A forest glade in the Shire. Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin enjoys a really hot summer day with absolutely nothing to do.

Frodo
So here we are. On a really hot summer day, with absolutely nothing to do.

Merry
Indeed. Here we are, the four of us. Makes one wonder. Don't we know any other hobbits?

Frodo
Just lying here, all cute, being of no use to anybody. Small and insignificant and not talking about anything important. Lying here, like redundant trash. Doing nothing.

Merry
Well. We could always try and meet new people.

Frodo
Being a general waste of space.

Pippin
But Frodo. It doesn't have to be that way.

Frodo
Oh, yes. Forever and ever and ever and ever.

Pippin
I know of a game we can play. I know a lot of fun we can do!

Frodo (yawns, lies back in the grass)
Games, games, games. There are more to life than games, you know.

Pippin
What? You mean, like ... eating?

Frodo
No, like something important. As opposed to this. (gazes at the horizon) I'm sure I'm destined to do great things. To suffer and struggle and save all things, alive and dead. I am destined to freeze and feel pain, to cross great mountains covered in ice and snow. I am the bearer of great power, always close to corruption and possible death. So what is this, here? Too much stillness, too much peace. The Shire is destined to burn. Can't you see that?

Merry
Um, no. But since you do, I'm sure everything will be alright anyway.

Pippin (impatiently)
Please! Can't we play or sing or steal something somewhere? Didn't you hear I know of a game? I want to eat, or run around chasing someone, or tickle somebody! I want to do funny things, don't you?

Merry
You could tickle me.

Pippin
I could?

Merry
If you promise not to tell anyone.

Pippin
Great! Where?

Frodo
Merry, Pippin, please. The enemy. Don't raise your voices. They can hear us, should they be close.

Pippin (to Merry, really happy)
Where? Where?!

Frodo and Merry (simultaneously)
Everywhere.

Pippin
This will be the best tickle you ever had.

Frodo (sighs, closes his eyes)
I am destined to do great things.

Pippin (ten minutes later)
Haha! That was perfect. What know?

Merry
God. I'm not sure I can move anymore.

Pippin
Let me tickle your feet too.

Frodo (sternly)
Peregrin. You should not be so light at heart in such a dark time.

Both Merry and Pippin ignore him.

Pippin
Please?

Merry
Well. If you insist.

Frodo (looking around the glade, five minutes later)
Where did Sam go?

Merry (hits Pippin in the side with his elbow to make him stop, looks also)
I don't know. Haven't seen him since lunch.

Frodo (shouts)
Sam!

Pippin
I know where he is.

Frodo (shouts higher)
Sam, where are you?!

Pippin
I know where he is, I said.

Merry
Well, I'm sure you do, but since you are the youngest we are all free to ignore you.

Frodo (fingers on something he has hidden in his vest pocket)
I knew it. Finally darkness has crept upon us. The Ring, though safe here in the Shire, has finally drawn them out.

Pippin
The Ring? What ring?

Frodo
The Orcs must have him.

Merry (yawns)
Of course not. Sam is just humouring you. Like he always does.

Frodo (misty-eyed, draws his fingers from the pocket)
Oh, Sam! Where have you gone? My anchor, my trusted companion.

Merry
Gardener, you mean?

Frodo (pained)
He has been gone too long. How did I fail to notice? If he is dead I will never forgive myself.

Pippin
But, Frodo, he stands over there, behind the tree. He's just hiding. He's been there for over an hour. I think he's inspecting an ant colony.

Frodo (spots Sam behind the tree Pippin has pointed out)
Sam!

Sam enters the glade. Frodo leaps up in joy, clasps Sam's hands in his own, looks radiant.

Frodo
Oh, Sam! Where have you been?

Sam (embarrassed)
I'm sorry, mister Frodo. I lost sight of you when we were back in the forest. Those ... um ... horrid Black Riders just leaped out from nowhere and I ran and ran, and then I couldn't find you, even though I tried. I never meant to loose sight of you, but the Riders just kept coming closer and closer and I had to ... well, hide for a while back there, in some bushes. Stupid of me, stupid of me to loose sight of you, mister Frodo, but that's what happened, and I'm sorry.

Frodo
The Black Riders. Here, in the Shire. I knew it. That's what I've been warning you about all along. Oh, Sam. I'm so glad you are alright. They did not hurt you, did they?

Sam
No, mister Frodo. I'm not hurt. See? Not at all. I'm just fine.

Frodo clasps Sam's shoulders, then embraces him for a long time. Sam pats Frodo awkwardly on the back.

Sam
There, there, mister Frodo.

Merry (sternly to Sam)
What did we say yesterday about humouring him? And the day before yesterday, and the day before that?

Pippin (helpful)
And the whole year before the day before the day before yesterday?

Sam (makes an apologetic face over Frodo's shoulder)
I'm so sorry, Merry. I can't help myself. I mean ... it is mister Frodo. I just can't help it.

Merry (sighs deeply, shaking his head)
It can't go on like this. Not anymore. I'm supposed to be a fun hobbit, with no responsibilities and a good sense for mischief. You are spoiling everything. You are killing me.

Pippin
Come, now, cousin. Take a deep breath and let it out slowly.

Merry
First it was the barricades. Then the magic spell sessions. Then sword fights in Bag End and the secret summons of Gandalf. It can't go on like this anymore. This must stop.

Sam
But it's mister Frodo. Even if he told me to jump off a cliff I would do it. How can I not build a barricade if he asks me?

Pippin
If you tickle him, perhaps he'll forget everything.

Sam
What is a minor excavation compared to the well-being of mister Frodo?

Merry
Yes, well. We have a problem, I think.

Sam
He wants Black Riders, I deliver Black Riders. He wants the end of the world, I give him the end of the world. There is nothing mister Frodo cannot have.

Merry
Pippin. I don't know what to do. What should I do?

Pippin
We could always tickle some more.

Merry (considers this for a short while)
Yes, that is always a good alternative.

Frodo (has heard their last words and abruptly releases Sam)
No, Merry. Quick, we must get ourselves to safety. It is not wise to stay here when the forest is visited by the Black Riders.

Pippin (to himself)
Why does Frodo always try to interrupt tickles? Doesn't he like it?

Frodo (sighs)
I wish Gandalf was here. He would know what to do.

Sam (cutting in, sure of himself)
Oh, don't you worry, mister Frodo. Those evil looking creatures disappeared to the east and should not be coming back for quite some time. Just come and sit down here on this nice blanket, and we'll get you something to eat. You must be starving. You never know when we'll have a chance to eat next time, what with the end of the world, and all.

Frodo
Are you sure it's safe?

Sam
Yes, mister Frodo. Don't you remember? This blanket is the magic cloak the elves gave us. If the Black Riders come back we can hide under it and they won't see us. It's safe. Promise.

Frodo
That's true. I guess we can stay, then. For a while, if we take turns keeping watch for the Black Riders.

Merry
Pippin. Come here and hit me in the head. Take me to oblivion.

Pippin
Okay. If you just explain to me what oblivion is first.

Merry
Strange to feel so smart when usually I just resemble Pippin. Just hit me in the head and be done with it.

Sam
There, mister Frodo. That wasn't so bad, now, was it? Here. Eat this sandwich. Just sit back and let me take care of everything.

Pippin (mumbles to himself)
Hit him in the head. With what? He is so obscure sometimes.

Frodo
Oh. So nice. Relaxing for just a moment in the midst of unspeakable
danger.

Pippin
Perhaps the lunch box? Or the drinking glass? Something.

Sam
What's that strange looking ant doing?

Merry
Excuse me?

Pippin
Twig? Pebble? My fist?

Sam (putting his nose real close to the ground)
Rides on a cart, he does, and wears a hat. Do ants do that? I am sceptical. But it sure looks like he does.

Pippin
Sam's frying pan? So heavy. What is it doing here?

Sam (ignores everybody)
Oh. It's not an ant. It's Gandalf.

Merry
Why don't you just kill me instead?

Frodo
Gandalf?

Sam
Yes. He's coming to tell us the world is about to end and that you're his last hope. He is here. He is small, but yes. He is finally here.

Frodo (mighty pleased)
Well. I told you so. Can I talk to him?

Sam
Sure.

Pippin (grabs Sam's arm)
Sam! Your frying pan? On our little picnic? What for?

Sam (shrugs, tries to look indifferent)
If we must make a quick escape it's good to have it with us. Never leave home without a frying pan, that's what I've been told. And preparing meals outdoors can get tricky when you're on a dangerous quest like mister Frodo's. Best be really, really prepared.

Merry
Didn't I tell you to hit me in the head, Pippin?

Pippin
Yes, Merry. But–

Merry
Now would be a good time.

Pippin
With this?

Merry (doesn't bother to look)
Whatever you can get your hands on.

Pippin
Well. If you insist.

Pippin takes aim. Sam ducks. Frodo notices nothing.

Frodo
Gandalf? Can you hear me, Gandalf?

Pippin (with regret in his voice, dropping the frying pan on the ground, just where Sam spotted the ant)
Merry?

Frodo (with panic in his voice)
Gandalf?

Pippin
Merry? Can you hear me?

Frodo
Gandalf?!

Sam
Mister Frodo. He can't hear you.

Frodo
Oh, no!!

Sam (looks at Pippin with reproach in his eyes)
You shouldn't go swinging things that doesn't belong to you, mister Pippin. Just look what you have done. Squashed mister Gandalf like that. You should take greater care, him just being an ant, and all.

Frodo (with really, really small voice)
Gandalf ...?

But there is no reply.

Sam (hugging Frodo's arm, trying to comfort him)
You know he's a mighty wizard, mister Frodo. If he could turn himself into an ant like that, I'm sure he can survive a frying pan, too. Don't you worry. He'll come back as soon he's got his strength back.

Frodo
You think?

Sam
You just trust your Sam, and everything will be alright.

Frodo (still with a very small voice)
I think I want to go home now.

Pippin
Merry? Can you hear me?

Frodo (turns, sees Merry)
Oh, no. What happened? Why does Merry lie there?

Sam
He was hit in the head with a kitchen utensil.

Frodo (shakes his head, very upset)
No, Saruman, the traitor from Isengard, must have cast a spell upon him. I knew it. And tried to get rid of Gandalf at the same time. So! Terror has finally come to Middle Earth.

Pippin (quietly over Frodo's head)
Who is Saruman?

Sam
Well, hrm, in fact it's a new kind of flower hybrid. A cross between a red orchid and a white orchid. But don't say that to mister Frodo. He will be very upset.

Pippin
His life is so complicated.

Frodo
The Fellowship is breaking before it has even been assembled. The evil powers are winning beforehand. Can't you see that? (anguished) And I haven't even presented the Ruling Ring to the elves yet.

Pippin
The Ruling Ring? Please, Frodo. All this serious talk. Can't we just tickle instead? All of us?

Frodo
Tickle Pippin, Sam. I have more important things to ponder.

Sam (hesitates, looks unhappy)
But Frodo ...

Frodo
Yes?

Sam
I can't tickle him. I just tickle you. Don't you know that?

Frodo
Oh. Right. (softens) Oh, Sam. My friend. Where would I be without you?

Merry (sarcastically, raising his head)
In a mental asylum?

Pippin
Merry! You're alive!

Merry (lets Pippin hug him)
No thanks to you, imbecile.

Sam (mumbles crossly to himself)
He should know I just tickle him and no one else. Shouldn't he know that by now?

Frodo (to no one in general, whilst looking up)
Good, Merry lives still. What a relief. So the evils of Saruman only goes so far. But what is that? (stands up, pointing to a bird flying in the sky) What is that bird?

Merry
Oh, let me see. A giant eagle carrying elves and funny looking dwarves?

Frodo (impressed)
God, you have keen eyes.

Merry
Or perhaps just a very fertile imagination.

Frodo
Sam, what can you see? Tell me.

Sam
Well ... uh ...

Frodo (smiles warmly)
Just tell me, Sam. I won't be afraid. Not when you are here with me.

Sam
O... okay.

Frodo (smiles even more warmly, with shining eyes)
My brave Sam. Just tell me and we'll deal with it together.

Merry
Oh, why did I ever wake up?

Frodo
Sam?

Sam
Three elves. And ... eh ... dwarves. Yes. Twelve of them. On ... a giant eagle, exactly like mister Merry said.

Merry
Coward. Grow some self respect, will you?

Frodo
Twelve dwarves? Mighty allies, I'm sure. What are they wearing?

Sam
Well ... leather, I guess. And swords.

Frodo
Swords. And the elves?

Sam
Um ... swords also. Really, really, uh ...shiny ones. With ... with magic in them, so you can see when ... uh ... angry people arrive. Like ... my mother when we built those barricades.

Merry
I used to be merry once. I promise. (Turns to his younger cousin.) Pippin. Tickle me again. Make me merry once more.

Pippin
I thought you'd never ask.

Merry
And then we'll roll around in the muck and play dice. Just like old times.

Pippin
I hear you.

Frodo
The bird! Where did it go, Sam?

Merry (warning in his voice)
Sam.

Sam (hesitant)
Eh ...

Frodo
Sam?

Merry (sternly)
Sam.

Sam
I'm not sure, mister Frodo. I'm sorry, I ... (glances hesitantly at Merry) Perhaps it ... landed a little bit further up the hill over there? To drop of the dwarves?

Merry
Splendid.

Frodo
Well, then. What are we waiting for? Hurry, we cannot loose sight of them!

Sam (hurriedly starts to break camp)
Whatever mister Frodo wants, mister Frodo gets.

Frodo
Hurry! Race me, or something. Just hurry!

Pippin
Swell. Some racing. Finally.

Merry
But what about that tickle?

Pippin
Later. Must run first. Much more fun, come to think of it.

Merry
Oh, just knife me in the back, will you?

The four hobbits run through the forest. Sam gets a little behind, carrying lunch, the blanket and his frying pan.

Frodo
Quick! Before the Black Riders come back!

Pippin (excited and happy)
Run! Merry, Sam! Run! Hurry before the dwarves all disappear!

But suddenly Frodo stops dead in his tracks, making everybody else run into him. They all fall to the ground, in a heap.

Pippin
Oi! Great!

Merry
Usually I would agree, but not anymore.

Frodo
Look.

Sam
Frodo? What is it?

Frodo doesn't answer. He just points, trembles a little as he tries to get to his feet. There, on the ground before them, sits a frog.

Pippin
Oh, look! What is that?

Merry (hope in his voice)
A frog?

Frodo (whispers in wonder)
No! It is Gollum!

Merry
Who?

Frodo
Gollum. The old ringbearer.

Sam (who lies under Merry and Pippin in the heap, sticks his head out) Oh, mister Frodo. What a little slime ball he is. I had now idea he looked like that.

Frodo
Don't be mean to him. Perhaps he will help us on our quest. I'm sure he has some vital role to play in this before it's all over.

Sam
If you say so, mister Frodo.

Gollum
Croak. Croak, croak.

Pippin
How cute.

Frodo
He speaks!

Merry
I'll just go crawl under a rock and stay there.

Frodo
Sam, quick. Before he escapes, put him in the lunchbox. He will come with us to see the dwarves. Oh, look. Isn't he nice? All tormented and unhappy. We have so much in common.

Sam (glumly)
I think he's ugly. And slimy. I don't like him.

Frodo
Nonsense. There. In the box you go. Sam, no! Don't put the lid on. Do you want him to suffocate?

Sam
Come to think of it, yes.

The four hobbits continue through the forest, with Frodo leading them. A couple of hours pass, during which Frodo stubbornly drives them on.

Pippin
Frodo! I'm tired!

Frodo
If you are tired now, wait till you get to Caradhras. Come on! We must find the dwarves before it's to late. Which way? Merry?

Merry
That way. I am certain.

Frodo
Then that way it is.

Pippin
I'm only twenty eight. I'm still technically a child. You should therefore not drive me so hard.

Sam
Mister Frodo. Pippin is right. We must rest. We have walked for hours.

Merry
And in circles, I might add.

Frodo
Rest? When we are so close?

Pippin (looks about, sees only familiar terrain)
Close to what? To home?

Merry
God, I am so clever.

Sam
We must be well rested when we meet the dwarves. Please, mister Frodo.

Frodo
Okay, then. We rest. But only because you ask, Sam. I'll do anything for you.

Merry
Or if it was the other way around.

Sam
I'll look and see if there is anything left to eat. I'm not sure. No. It's empty.

Pippin
But I'm starving!

Merry
Well, we could always eat the frog.

Frodo
Sam. You take the first watch. The rest of us sleep.

Sam
Whatever you say, mister Frodo.

Frodo falls promptly asleep. The others don't.

Sam
Poor mister Frodo. This delusion will eat him alive. He's so exhausted, having to fight evil all the time.

Frodo (in a shout)
Aragorn! Rescue me!

Pippin
Aragorn?

Sam
Don't ask.

Frodo
Gandalf!!! Noooo!!!

Sam (despair in his voice)
Oh, mister Frodo.

Merry
Rolling around in the muck. Stealing things. Getting pissed. Will I ever get it back?

Frodo
Evil is stirring in Mordor.

Merry
I will never get it back. Ever.

Pippin
Merry, why are you so bitter? Can't you just smile and be happy?

Merry
I could. But then where would we be?

Pippin
In Mordor?

Sam
Don't joke about that. Mister Frodo could hear you.

Pippin
Or in a pub, drinking beer and dancing. With girls.

Frodo
No! Boromir! Go away! It is not for you!

Sam
Girls? What's that?

Pippin
Don't look at me. I just thought it sounded good. Merry?

Merry
I'm not entirely sure. Perhaps we could ask Frodo when he wakes up.

Frodo
The Great Ring corrupts the race of men. Over and over and over again.

Sam (puts his hand on Frodo's shoulder, squeezes it)
Oh, how I wish he could get well again.

Pippin
Why don't we all tickle him?

Sam
No one tickles mister Frodo but me.

Pippin
So you tickle him, then. We just sit here, all quiet.

Sam (sad)
But Pippin, don't you remember? He has changed since he got that ring. He's not like before. He won't let me tickle him anymore.

Pippin
Oh. I'm sorry, Sam. I really am.

Frodo (wakes up with a cry)
Gandalf!

Sam (gruffly, holding him close)
Come, now, mister Frodo. Don't you start crying. We are here for you. We will help you.

Frodo
Gandalf is gone. Boromir is dead. The fellowship is breaking. I am alone.

Sam
If you say so. But you will at least always have me.

Frodo
I must travel to Mordor to stop all evil forever.

Merry
How very industrious of you.

Sam
We go tomorrow, mister Frodo. It's almost suppertime and I have to weed the garden before it gets too late.

Frodo
No, Sam. Now.

Sam (pats him again)
First thing in the morning we go to Mordor, mister Frodo.

Frodo
Promise?

Sam
Yes.

Frodo (hesitantly)
Okay. Tomorrow it is, then. Where is Gollum?

Pippin (giggles)
We ate him.

Frodo
What?!

Sam
Pippin! Of course we didn't eat him. The slime ball escaped, that's all. I'm sure he'll come back soon.

Frodo
Okay, then. And tomorrow we go to Mordor. You and I.

Sam
Yes.

Pippin
What is Mordor?

Frodo
It is pure hell.

Merry
Oh. Then I guess we're there already.