(SAM ascends ladder in RANDOM ORC TOWER and finds FRODO lying on the ground tied up, stripped of all his clothes, save his pants.)

SAM: Oh, Mr. Frodo!

FRODO: Oh Sam! You're here.

SAM: Right you are, Mr. Frodo. Yessir. Glad I found you! Why, Mr. Frodo, they tied you up, they did!

FRODO: Yes, Sam. They did.

SAM: Right then, well, I ought to get you untied before those Orcs come back. We need to be gettin' to Mount Doom.

FRODO: Yes, Sam. Oh, but wait! (Pause) Sam.....

SAM: Mr. Frodo? What is it?

FRODO: Oh Sam. Sam...before we go...I have to confess something... SAM: Yes, Mr. Frodo? FRODO: Sam, I have needs...

SAM: Needs? I don't rightly think I know what you're talking about, sir.

FRODO (slightly desperate): Sam....Well, I thought that before we went to Mount Doom, we ought to do....something else first.

SAM: Something...else, Mr. Frodo?

FRODO (desperately): Oh take me, Sam!

SAM: Take you, Mr. Frodo? Take you where?

FRODO (insistent, flailing on the ground): Take me, Sam!

SAM: Why, Mr. Frodo, I still don't think I know what you're talkin' about, but it don't sound like something my ol' Gaffer would take a liking to.

FRODO: Sam! Now is NOT the time to be talking about your Gaffer.

SAM: Oh, sorry Mr. Frodo. ...Well, begging your pardon, sir, but when would be that time when I can talk about him? Because I do like talkin' about my Gaffer.

FRODO: Just...not now. Not.....oh Sam! A hobbit has needs, you know!

SAM (pensive): Needs. ...Well my ol' Gaffer always says--

FRODO: SAM! No more talking about the Gaffer.

SAM: Oh, well, I'm sorry, Mr. Frodo. It's just that sometimes I get to thinking about what my ol' Gaffer would think if he could see where I was right now, and I'm afraid he wouldn't think this any too proper.

FRODO: Oh Sam, your Gaffer can't see you right now; there's nothing to worry about. (whispers) Please, Sam...take me!

SAM: Well, there you go again with this "taking" business. Hmmm. Well, leastways I suppose I'd better get you untied.

FRODO: NO! No Sam! Take me NOW!

SAM: Well, begging your pardon, Mr. Frodo, but maybe it's best if I keep you tied up right now. You're mighty riled up, an' that's a fact, sir.

FRODO (writhing on the floor): Oh Sam! Can't you see my need?

SAM: Well sir, I haven't been looking, 'cause that wouldn't be proper, now.

FRODO: Oh Sam.....look!

SAM (gasps): Why....Mr. Frodo, I....

FRODO (frustrated): Oh Sam, can't you see I'm in great need?

SAM: Well, you're mighty riled up about something, that's for sure -

FRODO (slight note of seduction): Oh, Sam, just look at me.....tied up.....nearly naked.....on the floor....

SAM: Well. Mr. Frodo, that's quite the picture, and no mistake...but -

FRODO: Oh Sam, don't you have needs?

SAM: Well I'm not sure 'bout that, Mr. Frodo. I think maybe sometimes I might have needs, but then again....it's not as desperate-like as....as you.

FRODO: Oh Sam, I could help you have needs. ...Untie me! Now!

SAM: Now wait just a minute now. I'm not sure that's such a good idea...

FRODO: UNTIE ME! Sam, I will give you needs!

SAM: Well, begging your pardon, Mr. Frodo, sir, but that sounds like playing with fire, that does.

FRODO (desperate frustration): Oh Sam!

SAM: Mr. Frodo! Now don't be sounding so upset....I'm sorry. It's just that....all that business about me taking you....well I just don't understand, and I'm sure sorry I don't.

FRODO (less desperate): Oh Sam. I'm sorry too. I didn't mean to upset you so.

SAM: Now don't you worry 'bout it, Mr. Frodo.

FRODO: Sam....just.....Would you please just kiss me, Sam?

SAM: Oh! Well, if it's just kissing you....well, then, I suppose I will.

(A beat.)

SAM: Oh! Oh, Mr. Frodo, what was that???

FRODO: That was a real kiss.

SAM: I feel kinda....funny. But don't get me wrong...it's a good kind of funny.

FRODO: Do you want to....do it again?

SAM: Well I dunno....I think I do.

(A beat.)

SAM: Well, that's right nice, that is.

FRODO: Come closer to me, Sam.

SAM: This close, Mr. Frodo?

FRODO: Closer.

SAM: Why, Mr. Frodo, I'm already sitting right next to you.

FRODO: Just a little closer. There. Now untie me, Sam.

SAM: Well, you do seem to have settled down a bit. I think I will.

FRODO: Thank you, Sam.

(A beat.)

SAM (shocked): Mr. Frodo!!! Why I didn't think that anyone was s'posed to touch me there 'cept myself, and leastways not very often.

FRODO (v. sly): Did you like it, Sam?

SAM: Well now, I just don't know about that. I got a feeling, Mr. Frodo, that if my ol' Gaffer –

FRODO: SAM! We've talked about this, and now is still not the time!

SAM: That's mighty sad, Mr. Frodo, 'cause I can't help trying to think about what he said, about needs, and such. But for the life of me, sir, I can't seem to think of a single thing. One thing's for sure, though, I think he'd whip me proper if he ever knew that I had any goings-on with dear Mr. Frodo's need –

FRODO: Sam, that is more than enough about the Gaffer. There are needs to attend to, Sam, can't you see that?

SAM: Well...well, yes, I surely can, but I don't know as I'm very good at this sort of thing. I never had no practice, you see, sir.

FRODO: Oh Sam, neither have I but...well, how would it be if I...if I showed you?

SAM (v. nervously): Oh dear. I just don't—

FRODO: Don't worry, Sam. I'll take care of everything. (A beat.)

SAM: Now Mr. Frodo, sir, I don't think it's a very good idea to be holed up in this confounded Orc tower without a scrap on, if you take my meaning.

FRODO: Sam, I can't do this if you keep your pants on. Can't you see that?

SAM: Well, I just don't know –

FRODO: Relax, Sam. (A beat.)

SAM (taken aback): Oh! Oh my, Mr. Frodo, now just what do you think you're doing?! (FRODO is silent, out of necessity.)

SAM: Mr. Frodo, now I surely don't think this is proper. Can't we...oh. Oh, my. Can't we go back to that kissing bit, instead, sir? That was mighty fine, and not so indecent, like. (A few beats.)

SAM: Oh Mr. Frodo!!!

FRODO: Did you like that, Sam?

SAM: Oh my. Oh dear. I surely don't know what to say.

FRODO: Don't say anything.

SAM: I do feel right nice all over, Mr. Frodo, and that's a fact. Sort of sleepy-like, you know?

FRODO: This is called the afterglow, Sam. Just rest a bit and enjoy it.

SAM: You know, sir, maybe this wasn't such a bad idea after all. Why, I feel better than I've felt in a long – what, Mr. Frodo?

FRODO: Most people like to be silent during the afterglow, Sam.

SAM: Oh, do they, now? Well, that's interesting.

FRODO: You can be silent during the afterglow, too, Sam.

SAM: Right! Of course. I can do that, Mr. Frodo. (A beat.)

FRODO: Now, Sam dear, do you think you can do that to me?

SAM (doubtfully): Sir?

FRODO: A hobbit still has needs, Sam. Particularly this hobbit.

SAM: But I don't know as I'm very good at, well, taking care of such things, if you'll pardon my saying so.

FRODO: It's all right, Sam.

SAM: Now Mr. Frodo, sir, you just keep those pants on! It's right cold on this floor and no mistake!

FRODO: Sam, we've been over this. You can't do this if I keep my pants on.

SAM: But...but—

FRODO (desperate): Sam, we have to do this now! Before the Orcs come back.

SAM: Well, see that's what I've been sayin' from the very first Mr. Frodo. Oughtn't we to be going soon?

FRODO: But Sam! I'm in such need! Please...could you...?

SAM: Why, I surely don't know what to do.

FRODO (note of frustration): But you just watched me!

SAM: Well, to be honest, Mr. Frodo, I was looking the other way, most of the time, sir. (FRODO sighs in intense exasperation.)

SAM: I suppose I'll give it a try, but you mustn't laugh at me, now, sir.

FRODO: I would never laugh at you, Sam. (A beat.)

SAM (anxiously): Am I doing all right, Mr. Frodo?

FRODO: Sam, don't stop to ask questions...This isn't a talking sort of thing.

SAM: Well, I just don't want to keep on with a poor job, Mr. Frodo. It's like my ol' Gaffer –

FRODO: Sam –

SAM: Right. Sorry, sir. (A few beats.)

SAM: Oh! Oh, my, Mr. Frodo, what on earth's happening?! Oh dear! Now that was an eye-opener and no mistake! Startled me there, you did.

FRODO: Sam, you did the same thing when I did it to you.

SAM: Did I, now? Well, I'm surely sorry about that.

FRODO: It can't be helped, Sam.

SAM: You might have warned me, sir.

FRODO: I'm sorry, Sam.

SAM: That's all right, Mr. Frodo. It was nice all the same, and if you don't mind me sayin', you're right pretty when you're riled like that, you are.

FRODO: Oh, Sam, what a sweet thing to say. (A beat.)

SAM: I surely never did think we'd be getting up to such doings together, Mr. Frodo, but now that we have, well, I'm rather glad we did.

FRODO: Shh, Sam.

SAM: Well, yes, of course. I just wanted to say, sir, that if ever I had to learn about such things, I'm most glad that I could learn about them from you, Mr. Frodo.

FRODO: Sam. Shh.

SAM: Oh! Is this the part where we're supposed to be quiet, like?

FRODO: Yes, Sam.

SAM: What is it called again?

FRODO: Afterglow, Sam. Afterglow.

SAM: Oh, okay, Mr. Frodo.

FRODO: Thank you, Sam.