It truly is over now. I have taken my time to notice, a long time, almost too long to make at least a dignified farewell. I didn't want it too be true, I denied it all I could. I fought against it and thought, if I just closed my eyes hard enough, our journey together would continue. But it is over. Our ways are parting. There is nothing else to it. Looking back at it from a more distant perspective, all the sufferings and hardships we went through, begin to fade. I remember how tearing and dangerous, how tiring and hopeless it was, in fact how could I ever forget? It is were my past lies and it has changed the future forever. The future of all free people, as well as mine. It has made me, who I am now. For better or for worse, I do not know. I lost my happiness, but I gained ... in more ways than only wisdom.

All hardships therefore become of small matter compared to our time together. We were closer than brothers, we carried each other, because otherwise none of us could have made it. The ring forged us together and when it went, it left us knowing that our time too, must be over. We found out that we weren't meant to be, except in that time of sheer need.

We were lovers in mind, long before we ever touched each other. We knew it, we felt it, yet we hardly spoke of it. He had his love at home, Rosie, which I had always known. They were promised, a fact which I never questioned as much as I wished to.

As for me, I made my need clear, but I was too cowardly to act upon it. I saw that my feelings were returned, not in the same way, but every time I looked into his big brown eyes, I felt it. I knew I was not for him, what he was for me, that I couldn't be. But he was my best friend, my only friend who saw those sides of me, I had always feared myself. He might not have understood me, but he still loved me. Awkwardness was evident, desire followed swiftly.

Yet, to ruin our friendship on a burning feeling from which I knew it couldn't last? To threaten the mission for it? I couldn't do it.

But some things do not lie in our power, at least those things did not lie in mine. There was a time, when the fear and the anguish simply became unbearable and the only person to hold on to, was him. And so he felt, too.

One night it was, after we had reached the pass to Mordor at a point where there was no return and our futures didn't count anymore. We sat silent like so many times before, while the vastness of the enemy's land stretched before us, as a constant threat with no where to hide. There was no food left and I already felt my strength fading. The ring lay heavy on me, I felt the great eye watching and it was simply too much for a little hobbit, too much to bear all alone.

I don't recall if I first crawled over to him, or if he captured me in his arms all by himself. It matters little. We did not speak a word, but we held each other so close, that breathing was impossible. I felt like I was losing something, which hadn't even possessed yet. Our embrace had none of the gentleness, I would have liked to express for him. My companion, my sole friend at last, my lover. It was desperate and greedy, yet with a careful undertone to it. We were both holding back emotions that easily could become too much.

So when our lips met out of nowhere it was not with ease, but with a gentleness that strived to express a need it couldn't. Did it taste sweet? I don't remember, but I don't think so. Nothing in these days tasted of anything else than blood or fear.

But to feel his body so close to mine, broke something in me. My hands on his face, in his hair, and all over his body rejected reason and control. They needed comfort, they didn't care for treachery, they wanted comfort. Now.

Kissing him became more desperate and he returned it, in the same way. We bit and we sucked wherever we could grasp each other, not with the intention to hurt, but to find hold in this vastness of nothing, I believe. And it worked. Pleasure was there, bittersweet and urgent for a night, for as long as we didn't think.

We were lovers for the rest of our journey. I lived by it. I loved him. I denied the future. When this extraordinary mission ended, so did we. Friends we were, friends we would remain he said. Yet he told me, of his unbroken longing for Rosie. I could not compete with that. It is as simple as that.

A broken heart has nothing to tell of more. Pain does not fade in eternity. But you can become used to it. If you have lost everything and have no reason to go on, you might as well. Girls offer comfort, but not much more. The longing remains.

So here it is that the hobbit's tale is over. The war of the ring is over.

Tomorrow I will bide farewell to him. His destiny lies here, whether he finds peace in the love he has known all along or not. I cannot interfere anymore. If I don't go, he will send me away for it. I could not bear that. It is not for me, to keep on writing.

Those last pages are for you, Sam.