My Sam

You know those stories where the hero looks back after completing a hard task and says, "If I had to change it all I wouldn't?" This isn't one of them. There are a million things I'd change, a million things I would wish never to have lived through. Things I wish I had never seen, people I had never met and emotions I had never felt. I regret thousands of tiny things and hundreds of big things. I don't regret being a part of the experience, don't ever doubt that. I will never regret that. It taught me too much to ignore. I found a part of myself then, a part that I hadn't known was there. I guess that is the point of journeys like that one. Self discovery and self reliance are two emotions or skills that are necessary as one moves through life. I know this, but yet I can't help feeling like I was tricked. Tricked into believing that these two concepts make life easier. This what I'm trying to tell you. They don't. They make it harder to live.

How can you, how can anyone really, expect me to live here after everything I've seen? Everything I've experienced? There are hundreds of memories that I don't want to have. There are actions I took that I don't want to remember. And believe me, if I thought dying was the answer I would gladly lay down and end it all right now. But even death is not the escape it seems to be. I don't want things over, I want them different. I want to change my surroundings and be happy again. How long has it been since I've been happy? Can you remember? You probably can. You know me better than I do, I never deluded myself on that. Then how is it, I wonder, that you can't see how discontent I am here? Perhaps you pass it off as old age. But it is more than that. Much more.

I wish that you hadn't been there with me. That's my deepest darkest secret. Let me explain please. I survived because of you, this is true. I couldn't have done it without you, this is even more evident. But if you hadn't been there, then I wouldn't have had to spend every waking moment with you and know you better than I had before. I wouldn't have had to see your face every morning and feel my heart pull. And if you hadn't been there, maybe I would have failed. The world would have been in peril, but I wouldn't be able to feel everything at once like I can now.

But I know that these are silly wishes. It was in your nature to come and stay with me, and it was in my nature to never give up. Neither of us could have changed the passing of events, and it is futile for me to sit here and wish things were different. But I can't seem to help it tonight. Maybe it's the way my shoulder aches still, or the way my eyes often stray to "the finger that should be." What I wouldn't give to not be called The Nine Fingered...

I will have to explain these things to you tomorrow, this I know. I will have to explain why your Frodo can no longer stay in the land that used to fill his heart. When we started the quest, I thought of nothing but finishing so I could return to the Shire. And now that I am here, I can think of nothing but leaving.

Well almost nothing.

But that is something that I won't have to worry about explaining to you. Because it is something that I will keep to myself forever. I have my secrets, as hard as you may find that to believe, it's true. And there are some secrets that aren't meant to be repeated. Even to one you hold so dear. I hope you will forgive me one day. And maybe, just maybe, you'll discover it on your own. But until then, let it lie.

This restlessness must end. I can't live like this. I can't live day to day. I can't live just to live. I hope you'll understand this. I need to live because I am alive. I want to be alive the way I was all those years ago when we sat and celebrated Bilbo's birthday. I want to feel pure joy when the sun touches my face, or when the wind moves my hair. I want to feel again Sam. I haven't felt anything but pain and coldness in a long time. Not even at your wedding Sam.

Oh I tried my hardest to be happy, but it didn't quite touch me all the way Sam. I hope you understand that I tried my hardest to enjoy the day. I think most of the guests thought I did a fine job of it. I don't think I fooled Pippin, but then again he is the youngest of us all. And how often can you fool the very young? Your little Elanor won't be one so easily fooled, that's for sure! She has your instincts Sam, and that is a good thing.

So it is for these reasons that the hero must leave the kingdom he saved. I don't want you to be angry or upset with me. I want you to understand. I want you to understand that the main reason for leaving is you. Not because of you, but for you. I hope you see the difference. You and Rosie deserve happiness, pure untainted happiness. And it's something that I can't give Sam. I don't think I know the meaning of the word anymore. I'm tired of life Sam, so very tired. It's time I left before you grow the same way. Before I infect you with the same gray that has infected me.

Love is a tricky thing Sam. I can't feel happiness nor remember it, but I can still remember love and I can still cling to it. And I shall. No matter what happens to me, I will always cling to it. I have enough will to do this at least. And what this means for you is that I will always be there. You won't be able to see or hear me, but you'll be able to feel me. Let me live in your heart and memory and I will never truly be gone.

I suppose that's enough now. You never were good with emotional outpourings, and I know I will have to save my strength for tomorrow. I really believe that you think I am coming back. My silly sweet Sam. Always trusting and hopeful. But I suppose if you were any other way you wouldn't be my Sam would you? Not that you are my Sam anymore. I suppose I gave up that right on your wedding day. Still...

But enough. Tomorrow will be here and the struggles will be even harder in person than they are in letter. I want to tell you everything, but I might not remember or find words. So I suppose that is why I wrote you this letter. I want you to understand me Sam. And whether it takes my explanation or this letter, you will understand. And you will know. Know that I couldn't have done anything without you, but that it is time to move on. Know that I am hurt where your skills do not extend. Know that life is joyless and skies perpetually gray. Know that it is all your fault and not your fault...

So farewell my Sam. And who knows, if the Lady is kind, maybe we will meet again. Your time will come, I feel it in my bones. But we shall see. For now, farewell Sam. Take care of those who love you, and let the Shire comfort you as it can no longer comfort me.

Your Frodo