SARUMAN (VO): Who is "we"?
SOPUH: We're the Society of Profiteering Uruk-hai!
SARUMAN (VO): Just look at what happens when the Uruks no longer belong....to ME.)

RADAGAST (VO)
That's right ladies and gentlemen! You heard right! It's "Cooking (Sinisterly) with Saruman!!!" The wild and crazy cooking/talk show, which will hopefully become the biggest cooking/talk show in the Fourth Age.

SARUMAN (VO)
It's also...the ONLY cooking/talk show.

RADAGAST (VO)
And there's our goofy host! Everyone put your hands together for SARUMAN!

(AUDIENCE claps feebly. SARUMAN enters, in white, carrying staff. HE sits behind morbid Orthanc desk on set.)

SARUMAN
Hello. Good day. And welcome to my show "Cooking Sinisterly with Saruman!!!" (The exclamation points are part of the title; no, that was not my idea.) Today, we have a very special show for you all. I am interviewing good ol' Aragorn, current King and all, and we will be making a delightful holiday treat. (sinisterly) In my KITCHEN. Yes. MY kitchen.

RADAGAST (VO)
Well, that sounds mighty sinister, Saruman! But it's time to go to our first commercial break already.

SARUMAN
Already? But I have only given my introduc—

RADAGAST (VO)
We'll be back in a Jiffy Jingle!

SARUMAN
(mutters)
I hate it when he says that.

---

RANDOM ANNOUNCER TYPE: Halflings! One and all! Got hairy feet? Time to buy some Hobbit Neet! That's right, Neet is now made with a special hobbit hair dissolving component, straight from the Dead Marshes! Tired of unsightly, curly hair growing out of your feet and your toes? Try some Hobbit Neet!
AUNT LOBELIA: (Brooklyn accent) It works for me!

---

RADAGAST (VO)
And now, back to the show!

SARUMAN
I do not recall asking for an announcer.

RADAGAST (VO)
But you sure got one, sugar dumpling!

SARUMAN
(shudders)
Ugh. I have not...felt....so OOKY since Lurtz made sickening overtures to me....But anyway, on with the show. Please welcome my very special guest, Aragorn, son of stupid Arathorn.

(TERIBBLE HORNS are played as ARAGORN enters, and seats himself
in the rigid chair next to the morbid Orthanc desk. AUDIENCE cheers.)

SARUMAN
(looks at audience pointedly)
I did not....receive such a warm greeting....But no matter. So. Aragorn.

ARAGORN
Son of Arathorn!

SARUMAN
Or Strider? Elessar? You go by many names. TOO many, it seems to me.

ARAGORN
Well, at least my men don't refer to me as "Sharky."

SARUMAN
It is so very hard to teach the halflings the BLACK SPEECH......OF MORDOR! (Gets that "Time to Make a Sinisterly Evil Speech" look in HIS eyes.)

ARAGORN
Whoa there buddy. Mordor fell, thanks to me.

SARUMAN
So tell me about your recent wedding. To the immortal, Arwen Undómiel.

ARAGORN
Yes. That. She's a very nice girl, but for the life of her, can't cook. Isn't that dreadful? To be immortal, and never eat good food?

SARUMAN
Being Immortal means one doesn't have to eat.

ARAGORN
Wait....but Elves can starve! Wow. Well assuming you're right...you've perfected your cooking skills anyway.....

SARUMAN
I......have.

ARAGORN
That doesn't make much sense, now does it?

SARUMAN
And you get one of the most attractive she-Elves in the entire realm, and you'd rather shag Legolas?

ARAGORN
(gasps)
You knew! But...how?

SARUMAN
The palantír tells me many things.

ARAGORN
You sick freak. You were watching us, weren't you?

SARUMAN
.....er...

RADAGAST
Well folks, we'll be right back with the cooking segment. Stick around!

---

(70's PORN MUSIC plays. ELLADAN and ELROHIR enter, all "pimped out.")
ELLADAN: Hi there. Ever wanted to shag an elf?
ELROHIR: Who hasn't!
ELLADAN: Well now is your Golden Opportunity!
ELROHIR: We Elves are quite practiced at our crafts, spending millennia perfecting our unique vision...
ELLADAN: Our vision being Sexual Devices.
(THEY give each other high-fives.)
ELROHIR: We all know who you think is the prettiest elf out there.
ELLADAN: So, we have manufactured the perfect "Legolas Sex Slave"!
ELROHIR: That's right!
(THEY reveal a life size LEGOLAS DOLL.)
ELLADAN: Not only is he anatomically correct and made of durable and lifelike plastic...
ELROHIR: But when you squeeze his right hand, he says True to Life Sexual Things! Behold this demonstration:
(ELLADAN squeezes hand of LEGOLAS DOLL.)
LEGOLAS: (robotic) Oh baby, oh baby, yes harder, right there.
(ELROHIR squeezes hand of LEGOLAS DOLL.)
LEGOLAS: (robotic) Don't stop, you stunning hunk of Man!
ELLADAN: You can also program him to say "woman" if you so choose.
ELROHIR: In addition to that, he makes life-like orgasm sounds, and sometimes comes yelling Elvish dirty talk.
ELLADAN: And who wouldn't want to hear that?
(THEY wink.)
BOTH: Buy your "Legolas Sex Slave" today!

---

RADAGAST (VO)
And we're back, and ho ho! In the kitchen!

SARUMAN
I hate Radagast.

ARAGORN
So what are we making today, evil guy?

SARUMAN
GINGERBREAD WIZARDS.

ARAGORN
Great! I've always wanted to make gingerbread wiz-- hey wait a minute! Aren't they usually gingerbread MEN?

SARUMAN
Selfish, selfish mortal. I see you are a blatant racist.

ARAGORN
No, no that isn't it at all...

SARUMAN
And therefore.....I must SMITE THEE!!!!!

RADAGAST (VO)
Now really Saruman, is that necessary?

SARUMAN
Who asked you? Fine. Fine. Aragorn, get the cookie cutters.

ARAGORN
I'm not your bitch.

SARUMAN
No, you reserve that right for the Elves.

ARAGORN
Hey!

SARUMAN
Fine. I will fetch them myself. (gets wizard cookie cutters) I bought these cookie cutters at Neiman Marcus: The Underground Pantry. My good old friend Thorin the Fourth and Final wanted to make a money venture, which has turned out quite well. These dwarvish cookie cutters are entirely non-stick, and you can see that besides being wizard shaped, the cutter also comes with a wizard staff, for even more accuracy.

ARAGORN
What should I do?

SARUMAN
Cut out the dough with these cutters. (Hands ARAGORN the cutters) I prefer frosting the wizards with white frosting. So they can be Saruman the WHITE!

ARAGORN
I think you're slightly ecru.

SARUMAN
That's it. Time for me to ....torture you.....perfect you....MY FIGHTING URUK-HAI!

SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI
We resent that.

ARAGORN
Dude, Saruman. A tree totally kicked your ass.

SARUMAN
(gets that really scary look in his eyes)
ASH NAZG DURBATULÛK, ASH NAZG GIMBATUL!

RADAGAST (VO)
Oh heavens to Betsy. Not the Black Speech! Well...that's all the time we have for tonight, folks. Join us next week when we have special guest Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood, in which Saruman will be (sinisterly) cooking tarts! Join us then.

(SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI: Was the pilot successful? We aren't sure. If we put Legolas in it then maybe we'll attract the fangirls.

SARUMAN (VO): I have no fangirls.
SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI: Deal with it buddy, we don't either.)

RADAGAST (VO)
Hi everyone! It's been another cra-zy week, so it's time for another cra-a-zy show!

SARUMAN (VO)
I still don't want an announcer.

RADAGAST (VO)
Tough luck. That said, everyone give a big round of applause for our cra-zy host, Saruman!

(SARUMAN enters looking Pissed Off, and takes his seat behind Morbid Orthanc Desk.)

SARUMAN
Welcome...one and all...to my SHOW! Last week you will remember we had the Isildur's annoying heir here, and he refused to make gingerbread wizards. Hopefully this week's guest will be better.

RADAGAST (VO)
Well, he's sure to boost our ratings.

SARUMAN
OUR ratings? Whose show is this? The Radagast is a Poncy Git Show? No. No. It is mine. All..........mine. Now where was I? Oh, yes. Our guest. This week our guest is none other than Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood.

RADAGAST (VO)
And it's time for a commercial break!

SARUMAN
No, it's time for Legolas to get out here.

RADAGAST (VO)
(in an undertone)
He isn't finished primping.

SARUMAN
Hmmmm. Well then. Commercial break it is.

RADAGAST (VO)
We'll be right back!

---

HALDIR: Hello one and all. Are you tired of stupid rope that just doesn't cut it?
(Camera pans to SAM, struggling and practically killing himself with normal rope.)
SAM: Aaaaah! This rope! It gives my little hobbit hands rope burn! And it DOESN'T STAY TIED!!!
HALDIR: That is bad. But you can avert such disaster, with our Lothlórien patented Elven Rope!
SAM: Elven Rope?
HALDIR: Guaranteed not break, come untied, or give you rope burn! It also knows when you want it to come untied, so all you have to do is give it a yank.
(Camera pans back to SAM, this time successfully using it to climb down a rock wall. HE then yanks on the rope and it falls.)
SAM: (exuberant) It works! It works! IT REALLY WORKS!
HALDIR: You betcha. Buy your very own Elven Rope today!

---

RADAGAST (VO)
And we're back! Time for everyone to put their hands together for Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood!

(AUDIENCE shrieks, cheers, swoons, etc. LEGOLAS enters and sits in spindly chair as a SEXY CLARINET plays. HE sits next to SARUMAN.)

SARUMAN
Well. There goes the neighborhood.

LEGOLAS
(beauty pageant wave)
Hi everyone!

SARUMAN
Ahem. Legolas.

LEGOLAS
Saruman.

SARUMAN
Tell me about....Aragorn.

LEGOLAS
Aragorn? Well, he's King now.

SARUMAN
No, no. I mean...tell me about......you two.

LEGOLAS
Umm. It was a pleasure to work with him? He was a great leader?

SARUMAN
You are simply no help. Never mind. I have a better idea. I hear you have a love of oliphaunts.

LEGOLAS
Well, they're okay....

SARUMAN
Come, come. I hear you can scale oliphaunts.

LEGOLAS
Well, I am quite skilled at scaling and mounting.

SARUMAN
You said it, not me. And now I have a surprise for us all. GRÍMA!

(GRÍMA shuffles out from backstage.)

GRÍMA
What?

SARUMAN
Bring out....the.......you know.

(GRÍMA goes backstage, and ushers out an OLIPHAUNT. The AUDIENCE oohs and aahs. The OLIPHAUNT stands next to the morbid Orthanc desk.)

SARUMAN
Now. I would very much like to see you scale this oliphaunt, Legolas.

LEGOLAS
(sighs)
Do I have to?

SARUMAN
Do it.

(LEGOLAS acts sullen. He starts scaling the OLIPHAUNT.)

SARUMAN
No, no, no! Get down! Now.

(LEGOLAS jumps back to the floor.)

LEGOLAS
What?

SARUMAN
Would you do us the pleasure of reciting the Oliphaunt Poem WHILE scaling?

LEGOLAS
Now that's just silly.

SARUMAN
Please. The fangirls await!

AUDIENCE
(swoons)

SARUMAN
How can you say no to that?

LEGOLAS
Fine. Fine! (starts scaling Oliphaunt and unenthusiastically reciting poem) Grey...as a mouse. Big as....a house....Oliphaunt am I—

OLIPHAUNT
BRAAAAAAAAAWRRR!!!

LEGOLAS
Do I have to say the poem?

SARUMAN
Do please continue.

OLIPHAUNT
(grunts)

LEGOLAS
(continues scaling)
O-Oliphaunt am I! Biggest of all....huge, old and tall.....If you ever met me, you wouldn't forget me....something something do, blabbity blabbity through...or true, But old Oliphaunt am I and I never—

OLIPHAUNT
(starts stampeding)
BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWRRRRRRR!!!

RADAGAST (VO)
Oh dear!

(The OLIPHAUNT starts running around the room like a madman. LEGOLAS starts screaming like a school girl as SARUMAN smiles sinisterly.)

RADAGAST (VO)
Goodness gracious. Well we'll be right back with the cooking segment once we get things...under control...

OLIPHAUNT
BRAAAWRRR!

RADAGAST (VO)
So we'll go to commercial. NOW.

---

(Cue: 70's porn music. Heavy drumbeat, probably bongos. ELLADAN and ELROHIR enter, even more "pimped out.")
ELROHIR: Hi folks. We're here to answer some frequently asked questions about our most popular product, "Legolas Sex Slave."
ELLADAN: Due to Leggy's remarkable popularity, we've received many letters we will now endeavor to answer.
ELROHIR: That was redundant. Oh well. Onto the letters. (pulls out a letter and reads) "I think my "Legolas Sex Slave" needs new batteries. What batteries does he take, and how often should I replace them?"
ELLADAN: An excellent question. Of course "Legolas Sex Slave" works much better when he has fresh batteries. Behold this demonstration:
(THEY reveal LEGOLAS DOLL. ELLADAN squeezes his right hand.)
LEGOLAS: (slow, robotic, with lots of vocal fluctuations) Y....eesss dooooooont sttttttoooooop................yoooooooooooooooooooooo stunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn unk........ooof...maaaaa.
ELROHIR: Oof. Now that is just no good. Looks like "Legolas Sex Slave" needs new batteries!
ELLADAN: Lucky for you, we have a special deal on the batteries you'll need for him! Call now for details on our special deal.
ELROHIR: To change Leggy's batteries, first you have to strip him naked.
(strips LEGOLAS DOLL.) He has a little compartment in the small of his back...
ELLADAN: And when you stroke it just right... (does so as tiny compartment in DOLL's back pops out.)
ELROHIR: The battery component pops out. And then you simply replace it.
ELLADAN: Depending on how often and vigorously you make use of "Legolas Sex Slave" you will have to change his batteries anywhere from once every couple of weeks to every other day. That works for most.
ELROHIR: Thanks for writing to us. Any way we can make our product better and more enjoyable is an exciting opportunity for us.
ELLADAN: And you just never know...we may come up
with...accessories!
(THEY high-five. Fade out.)

---

RADAGAST (VO)
Phew. Well we finally got that little hullabaloo under control. Now it's time for the cooking segment. Back to you Saruman.

SARUMAN
Today we are making some...delightful...fruit tarts.

LEGOLAS
I like fruit!

SARUMAN
Pretty, but stupid.

LEGOLAS
Hey!

SARUMAN
I prefer lining my pie tins with cookie crumbs first, and then puréeing the fruit. Legolas, bring me the lemons.

LEGOLAS
Ugh. I don't like lemons.

SARUMAN
Then bring me the strawberries......... my little Strawberry.

LEGOLAS
I'm not your little Strawberry!

SARUMAN
You're everyone's little Strawberry.

LEGOLAS
Am not.

SARUMAN
How do you feel about Elladan and Elrohir making you into a "Sex Slave"?

LEGOLAS
First of all, it is totally inaccurate. The "Legolas Sex Slave" is missing that one special mole... (catches self) Um. I've said too much. Shouldn't you be making the tart?

SARUMAN
You're a little tart.

LEGOLAS
I AM NOT A TART! Shut up. For your information, I am saving myself for marriage.

SARUMAN
That's not what Aragorn told me.

LEGOLAS
Pox on him! I'm a virgin!

SARUMAN
Oh whatever.

LEGOLAS
If you think I'm a tart, you had better have evidence to PROVE IT.

SARUMAN
I will. (Reveals palantír)

PALANTÍR
(slowly reveals LEGOLAS dancing in the nude)

LEGOLAS IN PALANTÍR
(sings to the tune of "I'm a Slave 4 U")
I'm a Taaaaaaa-rt...for you!

LEGOLAS
Hey! Stop it! Stop it!

SARUMAN
Bwa........ha...........................HA!!!

RADAGAST (VO)
Well, this has taken an interesting turn, but unfortunately, we're out of time on this episode. Thanks for tuning in. Next week we will have everyone's favorite gardener, Samwise Gamgee! Join us then. Have a stupendous week!

(SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI: It's a good thing we made him promise no more oliphaunts on set. What a nightmare.
GRÍMA: You would not believe the size of their....droppings.
SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI: That's pretty gross. Anyway, we have to hope that this show will get more viewers.
GRÍMA: But how is it going to? This episode's hotness factor is way down since the guest isn't some pretty fairy-boy who dances on snow and scales oliphaunts.
SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI: You are just bitter. And anyway, everyone loves that "down home adorable loyalty thing" that is embodied in Sam!
SARUMAN: I....do.....NOT.
SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI: (to selves) Why did we hire him?
SARUMAN: Because you are......MY....fighting uruk-hai—
SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI: Ai Ilúvatar.)

RADAGAST (VO)
Come one, come all, to this very amazing show in which amazing things happen every day!

SARUMAN (VO)
Seriously though, who thought he was a good idea?

RADAGAST (VO)
Welcome to Cooking (Sinisterly) with Saruman!!! The new, exciting, invigorating way to spend your afternoons, rather than going on quests to destroy rings! Who wants to do that anyway???

THE FELLOWSHIP, SOMEWHERE
........................................................................?

RADAGAST (VO)
Today we have a very special show for everyone. Ahem.

SARUMAN (VO)
You always say it's a special show. Why is it so special?

RADAGAST (VO)
Because you're the star, sugar dumpling!

SARUMAN (VO)
For your information, that is still really ooky.

RADAGAST (VO)
Oh right. That whole Lurtz thing.

SARUMAN (VO)
I'd prefer it if we didn't talk about that.

RADAGAST (VO)
Well, anyway, back to the point at hand: our very special show! Now let's all put our hands together for or extra special host, evil wizard extraordinaire, SARUMAN!!!

(SARUMAN enters sullenly and seats himself at the Morbid Orthanc Desk.)

SARUMAN
Welcome all......to my SHOW. Which I am so very glad to have. Because I LOVE working with chuckleheads like .........Radagast....

RADAGAST (VO)
Well, sir, I'm just going to take that as a compliment!

SARUMAN
(to audience)
I mean.....would YOU be able to put up with him?

SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI
Now that's enough, Saruman.

SARUMAN
(flashing eyes)
I am.....EVIL! What do you expect?

SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI
Saruman, control yourself. Must we go to commercial break already?

SARUMAN
(composes self, stops the flashy eyes thing)
Well....I suppose I can. Well. Yes. Well, today we will hopefully make a lot of delicious dishes, with one of our favorite domesticated hobbits, Samwise Gamgee. I say domesticated because I believe that if he worked at a hotel, he would be a maid, and have to clean up Gross Things. And he'd do it too, being the loyal little hobbit that he is.

RADAGAST (VO)
Wow, Saruman, you even sound sinister when you're just giving a simple introduction!

SARUMAN
Get ready for me to sound a whole lot more sinister in a moment...

RADAGAST (VO)
(clicks tongue)
Someone just can't take a joke, and it isn't me.

SARUMAN
(steam pours out ears)
I........hate.......this.

RADAGAST (VO)
Sheesh, you are SO negative.

SARUMAN
I WILL blast you.

RADAGAST (VO)
You wouldn't DARE.

SARUMAN
Oh, wouldn't I?

RADAGAST (VO)
(snippy)
Well even so, nobody will get to see it because it's time for commercial break.

SARUMAN
(mumbles)
How convenient.

RADAGAST (VO)
What did you say? I am so sick of you mumbling at me! Fine! Fine! Then come and get me, you....stupid.....WHITE WIZARD! Neener neener neener!

(GENERAL UPROAR ensues, so scene cuts to commercial break while the SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI attempt to control said SITUATION.)

---

(CELEBORN enters into an Elvish kitchen. GLORFINDEL nances in after him.)
CELEBORN: Hi there, folks. Ever been on a long voyage in which food was a bit scarce? Ate Lothlórien brand Lembas bread? Just absolutely loved it? Then this next product is right up your alley. Do you love Lembas bread, but are tired with its dry texture? Well, never fear my friends! Recently we Lórien elves have been exploring ways to make our Lembas bread better than ever and here is our magnificent new invention.
GLORFINDEL: Tee hee!
CELEBORN: (shoots GLORFINDEL A Look)
(CELEBORN reveals a giant blender in the middle of the kitchen table.)
CELEBORN: Behold, the Lembas Smoothie Maker 1000! Not only is this a revolutionary new invention, but it makes Lembas preparation a snap! Just watch as my lovely assistant demonstrates: (the following instructions are demonstrated by GLORFINDEL, who prances around, grinning madly) First, add lots of ice to the Lembas Smoothie Maker 1000. Second, take your Lembas bread, to break it up into smaller bits, and then add that to the ice. Third, you may add special flavorings to make your Lembas bread smoothie the most delicious smoothie in Middle Earth. After that, you press this dandy little "BLEND" button, (Lembas Smoothie 1000 makes shrill blending noise) and voilá! Wonderful, delicious Lembas Smoothies for one and all!
(pours smoothie into Elvish glasses) And now it's time to hear from a few of our Smoothie testers.
GLORFINDEL: (claps) Yippee!
CELEBORN: (defeated, sighs)
(Scene cuts to MERRY and PIPPIN sipping Lembas smoothies.)
CELEBORN: Well halflings, how do you like your brand new Lembas Smoothies?
PIPPIN: Err...well they're pretty all right. You know?
MERRY: Yeah, they don't taste as miserable as they did when we were all tired and shit when we were trying to get Frodo to Mordor.
CELEBORN: So...you like them?
MERRY: Eh, they're pretty good.
PIPPIN: I mean, don't get us wrong. They sure as hell beat eating just Lembas when we were in the Fellowship...
MERRY: But I don't know that I'd eat one of these every day.
CELEBORN: But they're healthy and nutritious!
PIPPIN: We ARE hobbits. D'you expect us to get all hot and bothered about healthy smoothies when we could be eating—
MERRY: Treacle tart!
PIPPIN: Treacle tart! I mean now really, Celeborn...
CELEBORN: So you like them? They're the best thing you've ever had?
MERRY:.....................er, yes. They're great.
PIPPIN: Uh, the best things EVER.
CELEBORN: Buy your Lembas Smoothie Maker 1000 today!
MERRY: (to PIPPIN, in an undertone) Poor ol' chap.

---

RADAGAST (VO)
Well hello everyone, we are back. We apologize for any inappropriate or inconvenient things we did prior to the break. Aren't we Saruman?

SARUMAN
Hmph.

RADAGAST (VO)
I'll just take that as a yes. Anyway, on with the show!

SARUMAN
Yes. The show. It bears remembering WHOSE show this is. But no matter. Anyway, today we have a very special guest, as always. Someone who has been described by friends and acquaintances alike as loyal, friendly, honest and kind. Everyone please welcome Samwise Gamgee.

(A TERRIBLE TRUMPET plays as SAM enters onto set and sits next to SARUMAN in spindly chairs. HIS feet do not quite reach the ground, in typical hobbit-style.)

SARUMAN
Well hello, Samwise.

SAM
You can call me Sam, Mr. Saruman, sir.

SARUMAN
Very well, Sam. So tell me, how was it to everlastingly be the sidekick?

SAM
The sidekick? Oh you mean to Master Frodo? Well, sir, y'see I wouldn' have made a very good ringbearer, and that's a fact. My ol' Gaffer always used to say "Samwise Gamgee, you'll never be a ringbearer," and he was quite right, he was.

SARUMAN
So he actually said you wouldn't be a ringbearer? Pray tell, how did he know that there was a Ring of Power, let alone that you wouldn't be the ringbearer? Does he even know what a ringbearer is?

SAM
Well, now that you mention it Mr. Saruman, I don't rightly think he used to say that exactly. It's just that I'm not the heroic sort, and neither is he, so it would'a made sense that he'd 'a said that I wasn't the right sort to be a ringbearer. But of course, Mister Frodo was a right proper ringbearer, an' my old Gaffer would agree.

SARUMAN
Hmmm. Yes. "Mister" Frodo. I'm very curious, why do you call him that?

SAM
Well sir, I've always called him that. I used to work for him, y'know.

SARUMAN
"Work for him." Very interesting. Then the fact that you refer to him as either "Mister" or "Master" has nothing to do with sado-masochism and bondage?

SAM
What? I never do understand these things you wizards talk about.

SARUMAN
Fine. Let me simplify then: do you have a Thing for "Mister" Frodo?

SAM
(genuinely innocent)
What?

SARUMAN
Do you like it when he ties you up and you get to play your little hobbit games?

SAM
I don't rightly think I know what you're talking about, Mr. Saruman, but it doesn't sound like something my ol' Gaffer would take a liking to.

SARUMAN
(getting frustrated)
Halflings....Well, okay Sam, let me put it this way. You are such a.....servile little hobbit, aren't you? Meaning you like to.....serve your master?

SAM
Well, I suppose so, when you put it that way.

SARUMAN
Well then, do you also.... "serve" Master Frodo in the sack?

SAM
In what sack?

SARUMAN
This.....is....impossible......

SAM
Well, Mr. Saruman, you aren't making things very clear for me.

SARUMAN
(sinisterly)
Fiddlesticks! Everyone knows you have a thing for Frodo, and that you both tie each other up and then have mad, passionate hobbit-sex with each other.

SAM
MR. SARUMAN! Now that was uncalled for. How many times must I tell everyone that I love Mister Frodo, but we don't have this "hobbit-sex" at all, and I think you're a pervy old wizard for saying so.

SARUMAN
Maybe I am, but I still don't believe you.

RADAGAST (VO)
But Saruman, what if he's telling the truth?

SARUMAN
Who asked you to butt in? This is MY SHOW, Radagast, I may ask my guests anything I please.

SAM
Well I think you're pretty smarmy, Mr. Saruman sir.

SARUMAN
And I still think you're a liar.

RADAGAST (VO)
Well, before this gets any worse, I think it's time we went to commercial break, folks. Stick around for some delicious treats right after this word from our sponsors.

---

(Cue: 70's porn music. ELLADAN and ELROHIR enter, v. "pimped out." They carry a LEGOLAS SEX SLAVE doll with them.)
ELLADAN: Hi there everyone. We just can't thank you all enough for the amazing sales we've been having for Legolas Sex Slave.
ELROHIR: It's true. Since these ads first started airing, we've sold over 250 Legolas Sex Slaves, to date. And that's pretty cool.
ELLADAN: But you know what's even cooler, Elrohir?
ELROHIR: What?
ELLADAN: Now Legolas Sex Slave comes with some new accessories and toys, which will be sure to keep you occupied for hours!
ELROHIR: And hours.
ELLADAN: You see right here, we have our plain Legolas Sex Slave, which, even plain, is pretty darn sexy.
ELROHIR: You can say that again.
ELLADAN: But now you can add some personalized accessories, to make your experiences with Legolas Sex Slave even more amazingly orgasmic.
ELROHIR: That said, we'd like to introduce our new products. Ahem.
(A drumbeat starts.)
ELLADAN: Presenting......The S&M Kit with equipment and costumes for Legolas Sex Slave!
ELROHIR: That's right. You may have noticed through use already that Legolas Sex Slave likes being spanked.
ELLADAN: So the S&M Kit is perfect for tapping into the kinkier sides of Legolas Sex Slave use.
ELROHIR: Here's everything the Kit includes: (he pulls the items out throughout description) A pair of black leather Fuck-Me boots, a little whip, a feather tickler, a Legolas Dominatrix costume, furry leopard print handcuffs and Elven Rope.
ELLADAN: This Kit is great with Legolas Sex Slave. Here's what he looks like in the Dominatrix costume. (HE strips LEGOLAS SEX SLAVE and puts him in the dominatrix outfit.) Ta da! Isn't that just marvelous and kinky?
ELROHIR: You bet it is. When you buy this great new accessory, you may find many uses for the furry handcuffs and Elven Rope, and I have to say, every new use will be really great.
ELLADAN: Some people have wondered if Elven Rope really is good for bondage. We are here to tell you definitively that it is.
ELROHIR: But you don't have to take our word for it...Let's hear from a satisfied customer!
(Scene cuts to something that seems to be the AD FOR ELVEN ROPE from the previous episode. Doesn't seem to bear much relevance on Legolas Sex Slave, but no matter.)
(SAM is seen holding rope, happy as a clam.)
SAM: (exuberant) It works! It works! IT REALLY WORKS!
(Scene quickly cuts back to ELLADAN and ELROHIR.)
ELLADAN: That's sure good to know, Sam.
ELROHIR: Yes. Indeed it is. We just love hearing such testimonials.
ELLADAN: Indeed. So buy these new accessories as soon as possible! Get Leggy Kinky!
(They high-five.)
ELROHIR: And one last thing: Leggy is a pretty special sex slave, and he'll respond differently to the S&M Kit and bondage than he has otherwise. As means of a quick demonstration:
(ELROHIR grabs the little whip, and whips LEGOLAS doll's ass.)
LEGOLAS: (robotic, orgasmic) OOOOOOOOOoooh yes! Spank me again please.
ELLADAN: And who wouldn't want that?
ELROHIR: I certainly don't know.
(Scene fades out.)

---

RADAGAST (VO)
Well, we're back! Now it's time for the cooking seg—

SAM
(interjects)
Now that just wasn't fair! Elladan and Elrohir had no right to take me out of context...

SARUMAN
So then you don't support Legolas Sex Slave?

SAM
(sputtering)
Well, you know, most elves are the most polite, interesting...But that! That's just gross! I DID NOT endorse—

SARUMAN
I guess you really are a prude.

SAM
Mr. Saruman!

SARUMAN
Well, never mind. Anyway, onto our down home cooking...

SAM
Coneys and taters?

SARUMAN
Coneys and taters! So tell me, how many ways are there to cook a brace of coneys?

SAM
There's only one way to cook a brace of coneys!

SARUMAN
But that soup you made for "Mister" Frodo and Gollum in Mordor looked not so good.

SAM
My coney stew is one of the best things ever! Ev'n my Gaffer told me so.

SARUMAN
Well. Yes. Sometimes I cook a "brace" of "coneys" with a nice teriyaki marinade with crisp vegetables—

SAM
No! There's only ONE way to cook coneys! One!

SARUMAN
(under his breath)
One ring to rule...

SAM
But I do agree with you about the vegetables, Mr. Saruman. I think the best are taters.

SARUMAN
Taters? Tell me about these "taters."

SAM
You know...taters. Po-ta-toes.

SARUMAN
Because sounding it out really clears it up. Anyway, taters. You're a gardener. What is the best way to grow po-ta-toes?

SAM
In dirt. And well...in dirt. Sometimes in special dirt! Did you know that Lady Galadriel gave me special dirt? I'll bet some mighty fine taters would grow out of my special dirt.

SARAMAN
You see Sam; this is why everyone is endeared to you. You are so....homey.

SAM
Why thank you Mr. Saruman! That's just the type of thing my Gaffer used to say to me. Some days he'd turn to me an' say "Samwise Gamgee, you may not be a worldly hobbit like that Bilbo Baggins, but you sure do make a good gardener down on the farm.

SARUMAN
Down on the farm......Speaking of which, have you visited the Library of Moria?

SAM
Why I didn't rightly know there was a library in Moria. I just thought there were orcs and balrogs and the like in Moria.

SARUMAN
No, no, no. It's a...well never mind. Back to this "Down on the Farm" business. I heard you posed for a nude photograph that is on display at the Library of Moria.

SAM
What? But...but I never...Hmm. Well that library don't sound like any sort of library my ol' Gaffer would take to, and as far as I'm concerned, his opinion is only second to Master Frodo's.

SARUMAN
Again with your partner—

SAM
My partner??? Mr. Saruman, I do believe you are being smarmy again. First all that stuff about me an' Mister Frodo, then those elf-twins making me out to be some sort of....some sort of....and then, then YOU saying I let people take pictures of me naked! Why Mr. Saruman, I do believe you're a very bad wizard, and up 'til now I always thought that wizards were good.

RADAGAST (VO)
You see, he's so SINISTER.

SARUMAN
Radagast, you are not needed in this discussion. Anyway, Sam, I have seen this "Down on the Farm" picture and I am led to believe that you are well hung......

SAM
Mr. Saruman! You're a bad, bad man!

SARUMAN
Mwahahahaha!

RADAGAST (VO)
Well, Saruman, now that you've successfully squicked us all completely, it's time to wrap things up. Thanks so much for tuning in. Next week we have the super-duper All-Wizard episode with Gandalf as our guest, so tune in then!

(SOCIETY OF PROFITTEERING URUK-HAI: We have a bad feeling about this...
SARUMAN (VO): Why?
SOPUH: You barely get along with Radagast, let alone Gandalf.
SARUMAN (VO): That is not my fault. I cannot help it if they are poncy gits.
SOPUH: ...this is going to be v. bad. (THEY cower in a corner.))

RADAGAST (VO)
Hello ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Elves and Orcs, Halflings and Dwarves, Ents and—

SARUMAN (VO)
(clears throat loudly)

RADAGAST (VO)
...pissy Wizards. Welcome to the show! This is an extra special episode because of our extra special guest, Gandalf the Whi—

SARUMAN (VO)
GREY.

RADAGAST (VO)
As I was saying, we have our special guest Gandalf...and today he and Saruman will be making...ROAST GOOSE?!?

SARUMAN (VO)
Yes. ROAST GOOSE.

RADAGAST (VO)
You know how I disapprove of that. Not only is it meat—

SARUMAN (VO)
Introduce me, you idiot.

RADAGAST (VO)
Right. Well, everyone give a warm welcome to Saruman, the goose-killer.

(SARUMAN enters, glaring, and seats himself behind Morbid Orthanc desk.)

SARUMAN
I did not personally kill the goose, Radagast.

RADAGAST (VO)
Regardless, I was under the impression that you two were going to make tofurkey, and not actually kill a poor, innocent—

SARUMAN
For the last time, I did NOT kill the goose.

RADAGAST (VO)
But you're still going to eat it!

SARUMAN
Some people like the taste of meat.

RADAGAST (VO)
Decaying animal carcasses!

SOPUH
Now Radagast, could you calm down just a little?

RADAGAST (VO)
(snippy)
I AM calm.

SARUMAN
You see how very difficult he is to work with...

SOPUH
(catching on)
Oh no you don't. You don't get off that easy...

SARUMAN
Whatever are you talking about?

SOPUH
You're trying to get poor Radagast fired...

RADAGAST (VO)
(gasps)
Is that true?

SARUMAN
No...

RADAGAST (VO)
(beginning to cry)
Why do you......hate me so?

SARUMAN
I don't hate you.

RADAGAST (VO)
(dramatically)
But you do!

SOPUH
Now Saruman, apologize to Radagast.

SARUMAN
....................................I......

RADAGAST (VO)
(between sobs)
Well...it's t-t-too late. W-we have to g-g-go to commercial break...

SOPUH
Ai Ilúvatar. Wizards.

---

(ARWEN enters carrying a SWORD, while FIGWIT stands in the background alternatively GRINNING LIKE A FOOL or CATCHING BUTTERFLIES in a NET.)
ARWEN: Hello everyone. I am Arwen Undómiel. Today I present you with ... (whips out SWORD in a dramatic fashion) HADHAFANG, "my sword."
FIGWIT: (in background) Hyuk hyuk hyuk!
ARWEN: Be quiet Figwit. Anyway: Hadhafang. "My" sword. And when I say "my" I really mean that it isn't my sword at all. That is to say, it was really cool and all to wave it at Aragorn and the Nazgûl in the movies, but you see, this sword isn't real.
FIGWIT: But I can see it!
ARWEN: That proves nothing. You see, I like to call it "Hadhafang: the Sword I Never Had." Because it's true. Nowhere in the books do I ever wield a sword...
GLORFINDEL (VO): And you stole my scene!
ARWEN: I'm most terribly sorry. But now onto the point at hand...owning your very own sword that never existed. I still think it's an awfully fun, albeit fake sword, and I think you would think so too. So that's why you should buy "Hadhafang: the Sword I Never Had."
GLORFINDEL (VO): You see they're trying to convince you in the movies that Hadhafang is real...
ARWEN: (brightly) But it really isn't. But fake sword or not, it's awfully fun.
FIGWIT: How's it fun???
ARWEN: (cheerfully) To chop up fake elves like YOU Figwit!
(ARWEN runs after FIGWIT wielding HADHAFANG, as FIGWIT screams like a fangirl.)
GLORFINDEL (VO): So buy your very own "Hadhafang: the Sword I Never Had" today! Guaranteed or your money back!
(Scene fades with ARWEN/FIGWIT chase.)

---

RADAGAST (VO)
And we're back! I'm dreadfully sorry for our outburst earlier.

SARUMAN
(flashing eyes)
As...am...I.

SOPUH
Now...on with the show!

SARUMAN
Well...now onto the part that everyone is waiting for. Ahem. Allow me to present the bane of my existence, former friend and colleague Gandalf the Grey.

(GANDALF enters while a DYING OBOE plays and the AUDIENCE cheers loudly.)

GANDALF
Why, Saruman, you seem to forget that I am no longer of the grey persuasion.

SARUMAN
No. You have chosen...white. MY color.

GANDALF
We've been over this, Saruman. Once you turn evil, your color is up for grabs—

SARUMAN
Well I disagree.

GANDALF
Well at any rate, my clothes are much whiter than yours. I still say you're faintly ecru...

RADAGAST (VO)
It's true!

SARUMAN
(to RADAGAST)
Well at last I'm not the color of poo—

RADAGAST (VO)
I prefer to think that it is the color of the earth.

SARUMAN
You are such a tree-hugging hippy...

GANDALF
Well, I suppose that's his prerogative.

SARUMAN
But that's not what he's meant to do!

GANDALF
Oh Saruman, put a sock in it.

SARUMAN
(flashing eyes)

(GANDALF pulls out pouch of SHIRE-LEAF, fills PIPE, and starts smoking prodigiously.)

SARUMAN
I would not...do that...if I were you, Mithrandir.

RADAGAST (VO)
He can smoke if he wants to.

SARUMAN
But this is...MY SHOW...

RADAGAST (VO)
But you have to respect your guest!

SARUMAN
Says who?

SOPUH
(nods at SARUMAN)

SARUMAN
Fine. Well...Mithrandir...you love the weed of the Halflings...

GANDALF
(blows smoke ring at SARUMAN)

SARUMAN
And well...I was wondering why...you have such a fondness for...these "little people."

GANDALF
Well, even if you look down on them, they are very worthy people, whether you want to admit it or not.

SARUMAN
Hmph. Well I wonder that you should play with your toys of fire and smoke, while I am speaking.

GANDALF
(laughing)
You would not wonder if you used this herb yourself. You might find that smoke blown out cleared your mind of shadows within. Anyway, it gives patience to listen to error without anger.

RADAGAST (VO)
Ha ha. Where have I heard that before?

SARUMAN
Be quiet, Radagast.

RADAGAST (VO)
Well at least I'm not ambiguously colored!

SARUMAN
I am Saruman the WHITE!

GANDALF
The faintly ecru.

SARUMAN
Mithrandir!

GANDALF
(chuckles jovially)

RADAGAST (VO)
Well, sorry to break up the hilarity, folks, but it's time for us to break for commercial. Please stay tuned.

---

(ELLADAN and ELROHIR enter wearing "pimped out" furry coats. Cue: A variation of 70's porn music.)
ELLADAN: Hello one and all!
ELROHIR: Do you own a Legolas Sex Slave, but have a few questions about his upkeep, etc.?
ELLADAN: Well never fear, for we are here to help you out.
ELROHIR: We have pre-selected some frequently asked questions the owners of our product have...
ELLADAN: Which we will read and answer now. Ahem. "Where is the best place to use Legolas Sex Slave?"
ELROHIR: Well, that may vary, but generally anywhere within the comfort of your own home...
ELLADAN: Or a tree-house.
ELROHIR: (gives ELLADAN a Look.)
ELLADAN: What? Legolas Sex Slave enjoys being in trees!
ELROHIR: Well, at any rate, make use of him wherever you deem fit, as long as it's private. Now onto our next question: "Is it safe to incorporate food when making use of Legolas Sex Slave?"
ELLADAN: Yes, and completely recommended too. Next question: "Is it normal for Legolas Sex Slave to yell 'Give me all your hot monkey love'?"
ELROHIR: No...and for prevention of further strange sayings it is recommended that you take away your Leggy's television. Question: "Is it okay if I bring my Legolas to the beach so we can have 'sex on the beach' and I don't mean the drink?" Hmm. Weirdo.
ELLADAN: Although you can definitely use Leggy in the bath, shower, pool, or hot tub, it is NOT a good idea to bring him to the beach. If he hears the seagulls calling, he will likely develop "Sea-longing" — sometimes in the middle of intimate acts. This means he will become restless, and have a dramatically lowered libido.
ELROHIR: Yikes. So don't take him to the beach. Next question: "My Legolas Sex Slave has become something of a 'dead fish' in the sack. He doesn't make any sounds, not even when I squeeze his right hand. Am I a really bad lover, or has my Legolas Sex Slave turned into a prude?"
ELLADAN: Now this will require a bit of a demonstration.
(ELROHIR sets up a LEGOLAS DOLL in the background.)
ELLADAN: Rest assured that your Legolas Sex Slave is not, and never will be a prude. There are a few techniques you might want to employ with your Legolas Sex Slave.
ELROHIR: It may be that you are simply not stimulating your Leggy enough before diving right in...
ELLADAN: But this isn't a major problem if you incorporate a lot more foreplay into your intimate experiences.
ELROHIR: Elves love foreplay.
(THEY high-five.)
ELROHIR: If you don't know how to go about this, it's best to experiment some. First remove all of Leggy's clothes (HE strips LEGOLAS DOLL.) and do an exploration of his body in which you look for erogenous zones.
ELLADAN: Might we suggest: ears, nipples, lips, buttocks, feet, ankles and other obvious places.
ELROHIR: (nibbles on LEGOLAS DOLL'S ear.)
LEGOLAS: (robotic) Oh yes, oh yes, please more.
ELLADAN: And who wouldn't want that?
(Scene fades out along with the porn music, as ELROHIR gets frisky with LEGOLAS DOLL and ELLADAN smiles.)

---

RADAGAST (VO)
And once again we are back, for you delight and enjoyment! Now we join Saruman and Gandalf in the kitchen...where there are still discussing the "little people" of the Shire.

SARUMAN
Mithrandir...I wonder at your love of the Halflings.

GANDALF
And why is that?

SARUMAN
Because...I have reason to believe...that you like these hobbits in more ways than one...

GANDALF
I like hobbits in many ways...I enjoy their company, I love their lore and simple way of life...you know they may be the most honorable race in Middle-earth as far as I'm concerned.

SARUMAN
Hmm. Well then are you not also concerned with getting in their pants?

GANDALF
Curunír!

RADAGAST (VO)
Ooooh......dragging out the Elvish names!

(SARUMAN and GANDALF look toward RADAGAST, bewildered.)

RADAGAST (VO)
What?!?

SARUMAN
I am just going to ignore that...now...onto the...roast goose.

RADAGAST (VO)
You heathen.

GANDALF
Now, dear Aiwendil...

RADAGAST (VO)
Oooh! I love my Elvish name!

SARUMAN
(forcefully)
Now...onto the ROAST GOOSE.

GANDALF
Yes, how do you prepare the roast goose?

SARUMAN
I BASTE it. And put it in my oven. Yes. MY OVEN.

RADAGAST (VO)
I still don't think you should be eating goose.

SARUMAN
Well...Radagast...how would you like to know...that this goose...was
YOUR FRIEND?!?

RADAGAST (VO)
(horrified)
Oh no! You didn't, did you?

SARUMAN
Mwa......ha.........ha!

RADAGAST (VO)
(begins sobbing)
Oh you fiend!

SARUMAN
Hahaha! Radagast the Brown! Radagast the Bird-tamer! Radagast the Simple! Radagast the Fool!

GANDALF
(powerfully)
SILENCE!

(EVERYONE shuts up as GANDALF takes a slice of the GOOSE and eats it.)

GANDALF
This isn't goose at all, Radagast...it's tofurkey.

RADAGAST (VO)
(snivelly)
Oh Saruman you meanie! You tricked me!

SARUMAN
And it would have worked too...if MITHRANDIR hadn't—

GANDALF
It's very good tofurkey though.

RADAGAST (VO)
Well, I think I might try some then.

SARUMAN
NO...

RADAGAST (VO)
Isn't it just great that all of us Wizards are together again?

SARUMAN
(starts looking possessed)
The Istari...

GANDALF
Saruman...stop that...I'll start smoking again!

SARUMAN
(sullenly)
Well...anyway......not all the Wizards are back together.

RADAGAST (VO)
(catching on)
Oh right...the Blue Wizards. Huh.

GANDALF
(puzzling)
Hmm...what were their names again?

RADAGAST (VO)
You know...I don't remember.

GANDALF
Well anyway...they do not come into these tales...

SARUMAN
(vehemently)
Because they failed their mission!

GANDALF
(twinkling eyes)
Yes well...Pray refresh us, Saruman...what was our mission?

SARUMAN
I won't answer that.

RADAGAST (VO)
Oh I know! To try and destroy Sauron and the One Ring!

GANDALF
I think it bears pointing out who came the closest to fulfilling his mission...

RADAGAST (VO)
Ha ha, and it wasn't YOU, Saruman!

SARUMAN
(steam pours out ears, flashing eyes)
I hate you all.

GANDALF
Oh calm down. You want some pipe-weed?

SARUMAN
(sinisterly)
NEVER!!!

GANDALF
A simple "no thanks" would have sufficed.

RADAGAST (VO)
Hahahaha. This is TOO funny. But unfortunately, we've run out of time this week. Join us next week when we have not one, but two amazing guests: Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took! Join us then.

(SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI: Phew...at least we won't be having another All-Wizard episode again soon...
SARUMAN (VO): I was...a very good...sport about it.
SOPUH: All things considered, you were...now just please be good to the Halflings today.
SARUMAN (VO): We shall see.
SOPUH: This could all go wrong at any moment.)

RADAGAST (VO)
Heloooooo! And welcome to the show! We're so very happy you tuned in, aren't we, Saruman?

SARUMAN (VO)
Charmed.

RADAGAST (VO)
Righty-o! Well folks, we've got some might fine guests today...and you heard right! I said "guests": plural!

SARUMAN (VO)
Who is Captain Obvious?

RADAGAST (VO)
Well, usually it's Legolas.

SARUMAN (VO)
True.

RADAGAST (VO)
But anyway, we've got two adorable, lovable, huggable hobbits here today!

SARUMAN (VO)
(sighs out of exasperation)

RADAGAST (VO)
And with the help of ol' Saruman here, they'll make some cream of mushroom soup and drink some home brewed ale!

SARUMAN (VO)
The ale was not my idea.

RADAGAST (VO)
Gee, you're always so cross. But on with the show! Presenting our demonic host who makes delicious food: Saruman!

(AUDIENCE clapping is slightly more than feeble as SARUMAN enters and sits at morbid Orthanc desk.)

SARUMAN
Yes. I was told the Halflings should have ale on this show...at first I was reluctant, but then I thought better of it.

SOPUH
Uh oh. We smell an evil plan brewing.

RADAGAST (VO)
Oh, now let's not be hasty.

SOPUH
Don't be a pushover, Radagast.

SARUMAN
Ahem. I was speaking. ME. Because this is my show...a fact that everyone...manages to forget.

RADAGAST (VO)
Well, just don't get your panties in a twist about it, sugar dumpling.

SARUMAN
How many times must I insist you NOT call me that?

RADAGAST (VO)
I always forget about that whole Lurtz thing. But I'm curious, what did happen?

SARUMAN
NO. Never.

RADAGAST (VO)
Would it hurt you that much to just tell?

SARUMAN
(flashing eyes)
Yes. Now let's please go to commercial break.

RADAGAST (VO)
But it isn't time...

SARUMAN
Nonsense! This is MY show, I call the shots. Now...commercial break!

RADAGAST (VO)
But it still isn't time, you great big silly.

SARUMAN
Radagast!

SOPUH
It's going to be a long day...

RADAGAST (VO)
And well, besides, you haven't properly introduced our guests.

SARUMAN
(sinisterly)
Two Halflings from the Shire: Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took.

RADAGAST (VO)
See? Now that wasn't so hard!

SARUMAN
I will TORTURE YOU! PERFECT YOU!

RADAGAST (VO)
(sing-song)
Your fighting Uruk-hai. But anyway, you would not. Oop – it's time for commercial break!

SOPUH
About bloody time.

SARUMAN
Mwa............ha...............ha!

---

(LEGOLAS and GLORFINDEL enter with v. shimmering hair.)
LEGOLAS: (beaming) My my, Glorfindel, but your hair looks absolutely radiant!
GLORFINDEL: Why thank you, Legolas. Yours is positively gleaming!
LEGOLAS: Tee hee!
GLORFINDEL: (to camera) Hello one and all. Ever wondered the secret behind how we Elves keep our hair looking so pristine?
LEGOLAS: Well wonder no more! The secret behind glimmering, shining hair is Wood Elf Brand hair care products.
GLORFINDEL: It's true. Now even you can have ravishing Elvish hair!
LEGOLAS: Using it is actually quite simple. I will demonstrate on my good friend Glorfindel.
(THEY share a meaningful smile. As LEGOLAS narrates, he also performs said instructions on GLORFINDEL.)
LEGOLAS: First you must wash the hair with clean water and Wood Elf Brand Shampoo. It smells like juniper berries, so your showering experience will no doubt be delightful.
GLORFINDEL: (slightly orgasmic) Oh yes!
LEGOLAS: Next, use Wood Elf Brand Conditioner: for deep conditioning, there's nothing better!
GLORFINDEL: (definitely orgasmic) Oooh! I think it's penetrating my follicles!
(A pause.)
GLORFINDEL: (sheepish) That sounded naughty.
LEGOLAS: Yes. Well after that you simply dry the hair, apply Wood Elf Brand Styling Gel, Sculpting Gel, and Luxurious Pomade!
GLORFINDEL: (slightly orgasmic) Ooh, my scalp is positively tingling!
LEGOLAS: To finish it off, a very natural Wood Elf Brand Hair Spray, to take care of all those nasty flyaways.
GLORFINDEL: Oh, I look beauteous!
LEGOLAS: You do...
(Amorous glances.)
GLORFINDEL: So nance on over to your nearest retailer...
LEGOLAS: And buy Wood Elf Brand hair care products!
GLORFINDEL: You don't even have to be a Wood Elf to love them!
LEGOLAS: Buy then today.
(Scene fades out as GLORFINDEL flicks soap bubbles at LEGOLAS.)

---

RADAGAST (VO)
Oh, that Wood Elf stuff looked like fun...Ah. Well back to the show!

SARUMAN
Elves.........Radagast, do you know the Orcs came into being?

RADAGAST (VO)
You've told us a hundred times...

SARUMAN
They were Elves once...and they belong......to MORGOTH.

RADAGAST (VO)
Saruman, now really. Enough of this Dark Lord business. What does he have to do with anything?

SARUMAN
The Elves in that commercial looked like they wanted to be tortured...by Morgoth!

RADAGAST (VO)
You are just SO sinister.

SARUMAN
(with relish)
I know. Now, the show. Today we are graced...by the presence...of two Halflings from the Shire, Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took.

(A LIVELY LUTE plays as MERRY and PIPPIN enter and seat themselves next to morbid Orthanc desk.)

SARUMAN
Well...Meriadoc...and...Peregrin...

PIPPIN
Oh, just call us Merry and Pippin.

SARUMAN
Merry...and...Pippin...

PIPPIN
Well what is it? Spit it out.

SARUMAN
All in good time...

(MERRY takes out his PIPE and POUCH of pipe-weed. PIPPIN does the same.)

MERRY
D'you mind if we smoke?

PIPPIN
(clamoring, to MERRY)
Mmm...Old Toby!

SARUMAN
I really...wish...you wouldn't...

MERRY
Aww, come on Saruman. D'you want some?

SARUMAN
(recoiling)
No...I was hoping...this could be an interview...

MERRY
Well, ask your questions while we smoke.

PIPPIN
We can listen and smoke at the same time!

SARUMAN
Very well. Have it your own way. Now...you two...were part of the "fellowship." Am I correct?

PIPPIN
Aye. Hasn't everyone else who's been on the show been in it too?

SARUMAN
Yes...

MERRY
(blowing smoke)
Well, how about you ask us some GOOD questions then?

SARUMAN
(flashing eyes)
I will. Well then, Merry, tell me, how is Pippin?

MERRY
What? Why don't you ask HIM?

SARUMAN
In bed! How is Pippin in bed?

MERRY
Well, he doesn't snore...sometimes he kicks though...

SARUMAN
That is NOT what I meant.

PIPPIN
Well then what DO you mean?

SARUMAN
You know perfectly well what I mean...but fine. Pippin...is Merry...skilled?

PIPPIN
Skilled?

SARUMAN
Skilled. In bed.

PIPPIN
(becomes overly fascinated with smoke rings HE just made)

SARUMAN
Pippin? Pippin!

(MERRY violently nudges PIPPIN.)

PIPPIN
Right. Well...I don't really think I know what you're talking about...

SARUMAN
Hogwash!

RADAGAST (VO)
(giggling)
That was hilarious! Say it again.

SARUMAN
Merry, Pippin, we all know you have hobbit sex.

MERRY, PIPPIN
Hobbit sex?!?

SARUMAN
With each other. And aren't you...cousins?

(MERRY and PIPPIN look at each other with slightly dazed but more like STONED faces.)

PIPPIN
Aye, we're cousins.

SARUMAN
Confound it! Answer my question!

MERRY
(stoned)
Question?

SARUMAN
About hobbit sex!

PIPPIN
(perplexed)
Hobbit sex...

MERRY
Now honestly, Saruman, did you never get the whole "birds and bees" talk?

SARUMAN
This...is...maddening...

PIPPIN
(still perplexed, to MERRY)
Birds and bees?

MERRY
Give it a rest, Pip.

SARUMAN
I know you have had hobbit sex.

MERRY
And how would you know that?

SARUMAN
My...palantír...

PIPPIN
(suddenly alert)
Your palantír is just filthy! Balrog pornography! Like I'm ever going to get THAT out of my head...

MERRY
Eew.

RADAGAST (VO)
Is that...true?

SARUMAN
...No...I...

MERRY
Hmm. Well, are you sure you don't want some Old Toby?

PIPPIN
(to MERRY)
Eeew, don't give it to him...the balrog p—

SARUMAN
Commercial break it is!

RADAGAST (VO)
It isn't time.

MERRY
You know Pip; I've always wondered how those balrogs get their jollies...

SARUMAN
Commercial break!

RADAGAST (VO)
But...

SARUMAN
(points staff at RADAGAST)
Do it. NOW!

RADAGAST (VO)
(exasperated)
Well Jiminy Crickets!

---

(ELLADAN and ELROHIR enter as always, "pimped out." 70's porn music pumps in the background.)
ELLADAN: Hello again one and all!
ELROHIR: Since our first airing we've had phenomenal sales.
ELLADAN: We've sold over 400 Legolas Sex Slaves to date.
ELROHIR: And so we've decided to expand our kits and accessories, so that you 400+ proud owners of Legolas Sex Slave can discover even more great ways to enjoy our product.
ELLADAN: After we released the S&M Kit for Legolas Sex Slave we have had many requests to make more dress-up kits for Leggy.
ELROHIR: Which is understandable; he looks positively delicious dressed up.
ELLADAN: Or undressed.
ELROHIR: Well, that too. But nonetheless, there is great demand for more dress-up kits for Leggy.
ELLADAN: And so, without further ado, we'd like to present (drumbeat rolls) the Legolas Schoolgirl Kit!
(ELROHIR reveals LEGOLAS DOLL in said outfit.)
ELROHIR: As you can see, Leggy looks quite nice in dresses.
ELLADAN: (winks) You may have figured that out already.
ELROHIR: This outfit includes the following: an adorable red plaid miniskirt, white blouse with convenient ties (so you can make the look racier), argyle knee socks, and cute penny loafers.
ELLADAN: We admit, not as spicy as Dominatrix Leggy...
ELROHIR: But wait! There's more!
ELLADAN: Oh yes. With the Schoolgirl Kit comes the following accessories: pink feather tickler, many scented oils (multi-purpose, I might add), and some spray on whipped cream.
ELROHIR: That's yummy. The Schoolgirl Kit also comes with feathery hair bands so you can put Leggy's hair in pigtails.
(ELROHIR puts LEGOLAS DOLL'S hair in pigtails.)
ELLADAN: Isn't that just adorable?
ELROHIR: As with the S&M Kit, you'll find your Leggy may respond a bit differently when in costume.
ELLADAN: One fun thing to try with Legolas Schoolgirl is to squirt whipped cream on him and lick it off.
(ELLADAN squirts whipped cream on LEGOLAS DOLL'S neck and licks it off.)
LEGOLAS: (robotic) Oh, oh, that's tasty.
ELLADAN: When in the Schoolgirl outfit, Leggy also has a tendency to sing.
ELROHIR: And you may be familiar with the song if you tuned into "Cooking (Sinisterly) with Saruman!!!" a few weeks ago...
(ELROHIR squeezes the right hand of LEGOLAS DOLL.)
LEGOLAS: (robotic, singing to tune of "I'm a Slave 4 U") I'm a Taaaaa-rt...for you!
(ELLADAN and ELROHIR high-five.)
BOTH: And who wouldn't want that? Buy your Schoolgirl Kit today!
(Scene fades out with 70's porn music with robotic "Tart" song sung in the background.)

---

RADAGAST (VO)
And once again, we are back.

SARUMAN
(to HOBBITS)
Now put out those pipes!

MERRY
Fine, fine, we will. I was finished with this bowl anyway.

PIPPIN
Me too. Y'know Saruman, you might loosen up a bit if you at least tried it...

SARUMAN
I won't. NO.

PIPPIN
Well suit yourself.

SARUMAN
I will. Now we're in the kitchen, where we are going to make...cream of mushroom soup...

MERRY
Mushrooms? Finally, something I want to hear about.

SARUMAN
Yes. Here are the mushrooms, already sliced.

(MERRY and PIPPIN clamor around the mushrooms and stare in awe.)

PIPPIN
Are these mushrooms from the Shire?

SARUMAN
Yes...

MERRY
Oh, the best food always comes from the Shire.

SARUMAN
Yes well, the mushrooms—

PIPPIN
(conspiratorially to SARUMAN)
So tell me...are these... "special" mushrooms?

SARUMAN
"Special" mushrooms?

MERRY
Aye. Are they?

SARUMAN
You two are just...the party hobbits, aren't you?

MERRY
What d'you mean?

SARUMAN
You do every manner of drug conceivable...

PIPPIN
Hey now...we don't do drugs. We experiment, more like.

SARUMAN
Mere semantics.

(PIPPIN looks v. confused.)

MERRY
(to PIPPIN)
Eh, don't worry about him. Let's just eat these mushrooms...

SARUMAN
No! They aren't in the soup yet.

PIPPIN
Oh right, the soup! You know, Sam can make a mean coney soup...

SARUMAN
But now...we will put...the MUSHROOMS in the SOUP.

(MERRY starts gobbling MUSHROOMS anyway.)

PIPPIN
Oy! Are they "special" mushrooms, Merry??

MERRY
No...

SARUMAN
(becoming frustrated)
Bother...Merry, Pippin, just forget about the soup.

(SARUMAN pulls out large flagons of ALE.)

SARUMAN
Here. Let's focus on these instead, shall we?

MERRY
(in awe)
Is that a whole pint?

SARUMAN
(evilly)
It......is.

(The HOBBITS get very wide eyes, then jump on the counter, flagons in hand, and start singing and dancing jigs.)

MERRY, PIPPIN
(singing)
Hey! Ho! To the bottle I go,
to heal my hear and drown my woe--

SARUMAN
(covers ears)
Stop...that!!!

PIPPIN
(singing)
Better than the rain or rippling brook
Is a mug of beer inside this Took!

(MERRY and PIPPIN clink mugs and start downing the ale like mad.)

RADAGAST (VO)
(clapping)
Oh that was marvelous!

SARUMAN
Get off the counter you fools of Tooks.

MERRY
I'm not a Took.

(THEY jump off the counter and slam their empty mugs down.)

SARUMAN
But you're still cousins......My, you finished your ale quickly.

PIPPIN
We did. Can I have another?

MERRY
And me?

SARUMAN
Why...of course.

(SARUMAN fills their flagons to the brim.)

SARUMAN
Now...I was wondering...which of you...could drink all that...the fastest?

MERRY
Why I could!

PIPPIN
No! I could.

SARUMAN
Well...we could...find out.

PIPPIN
(determinedly)
Right.

(THEY clink mugs and chug the ale. MERRY finishes slightly before PIPPIN.)

MERRY
(staggers)
See...I told you!

PIPPIN
No fair! I could still beat you!

MERRY
Could not!

(SARUMAN fills up their flagons again.)

MERRY
I'd like to see you try!

PIPPIN
Fine then. Let's have at it.

(THEY down they ale, and PIPPIN wins.)

PIPPIN
See???

RADAGAST (VO)
Now Saruman, don't give them anymore.

SARUMAN
But if they want it...

(PIPPIN stumbles and falls into a chair.)

RADAGAST (VO)
Those are such large glasses...

SARUMAN
(to MERRY, PIPPIN)
Well, do you want...more...ale?

MERRY
No more for Pip, he never can hold it as well, but I'll have one more.

PIPPIN
(slurred)
I want one too!

SARUMAN
Maybe we all ought to sit down.

(MERRY zigzags his way to a chair and flops into it.)

SARUMAN
So is it true...about...Sam and Frodo?

PIPPIN
(drunken laughter)
Sam and Frodo!

SARUMAN
(keenly)
Yes? Do they... have... hobbit sex?!?

MERRY
Eew! Don't talk about my cousin that way!

SARUMAN
So Frodo is your cousin too. That's...kinky.

PIPPIN
(v. slurred, drunken)
See, the question's not who's having hobbit sex with whom, but rather, who really really really likes Longbottom Leaf but won't admit it.

MERRY
Yeah!


(MERRY and PIPPIN look pointedly at SARUMAN.)

SARUMAN
What?

PIPPIN
C'mon old boy...

SARUMAN
What are you talking about?

MERRY
You ought to just come right out and admit it.

SARUMAN
Admit what?

PIPPIN
We know you have smoked pipe-weed before. Gandalf told us you had. But he said he'd never take you to task about it because he didn't want you to look bad...

SARUMAN
(sinisterly)
He's lying.

MERRY
Is not, and we all know it. You'd be best to just give up now, Saruman.

RADAGAST (VO)
(with glee)
Busted!

SARUMAN
You cannot prove it.

PIPPIN
Yes I can! Your palantír showed you smoking...

SARUMAN
Yes. Well my palantír saw you two having hobbit sex!

MERRY
Eew, your palantír is full of balrog porno...

PIPPIN
So you may as well give up. Besides, why else would you have Longbottom Leaf stored in Orthanc Tower? Hmmm?

SARUMAN
No...comment...

MERRY
Seems rather dodgy to me.

PIPPIN
And me.

SARUMAN
(flashing eyes)

RADAGAST (VO)
Well, I hate to break this up, but I'm afraid we're all out of time. Many thanks to Merry and Pippin for joining us today. Tune in next week when we have a very special, and I do mean "special" guest: Gollum! See you next week.

(SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI: Well, we've diverted from the fellowship this week...Unfortunately the last three members were not available this week.
SARUMAN (VO): Well they are probably busy...shagging...
SOPUH: What is with you, Saruman?
RADAGAST (VO): That's just part of his Down-Home-Charm.
SOPUH: Right...)

RADAGAST (VO)
Welcome one and all to our sixth thrilling episode of "Cooking (Sinisterly) with Saruman!!!" It's thanks to viewers like you that we get such great guests every week.

SARUMAN (VO)
(snorts contemptuously)
Great?

RADAGAST (VO)
I think all of our guests have been perfectly marvelous. I wish I could say the same of the host—

SOPUH
Don't tease him, Radagast...let's try to make it to the first commercial break without an "evil moment."

RADAGAST (VO)
Oh okay. Let's give a big round of applause for our very own evil wizard, Saruman!

(SARUMAN enters amidst AUDIENCE clapping looking cross, but sits behind morbid Orthanc desk with dignity.)

SARUMAN
Thank you. Now...today's episode...is very special because we are departing from the "fellowship." Now today we have—

(SARUMAN is cut off by a loud GOLLUM SCREAM and a terrible CRASH from offstage. GRÍMA rushes onstage, flustered.)

SARUMAN
(to GRÍMA)
What in the name of Aulë is going on?

GRÍMA
Er, nothing. Um, nothing is broken, everything is fine.

(THEY hear another CRASH and GOLLUM SCREAM.)

GRÍMA
I'll go, and um, take care of—

(GRÍMA runs offstage.)

SARUMAN
GO! ...Now, on today's show I am fortunate to interview the creature Gollum. In our cooking segment we will be making fish fillets: salmon, sole and halibut. Fish fillets...and we will cook them...on...a GRILL...

RADAGAST (VO)
That sounds like one mighty sinister grill!

SARUMAN
(to RADAGAST)
Why must you always interrupt me?

RADAGAST (VO)
(cheerful)
Now don't get ornery. It's time for a word from our sponsors. Please stay tuned.

---

(Various BURLY DWARVES enter, including GIMLI, THORIN (the Fourth and Final), DWALIN, and POOR, FAT BOMBUR. The DWARVES speak in Loud, Deep, and Rich DWARVEN VOICES.)
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DWALIN: Even an old dwarf like me can feel like his Johnson is protected with this product.
GIMLI: Quite right. And if there are any of you out there who are "Elf-friends" like me, I would highly recommend Mithril Prophylactics. You see, the Elves have been around for such a long time...and persistent Elvish rashes are not easy to cure...
THORIN: And that is simply no fun.
GIMLI: No fun at all.
BOMBUR: Why, I think I want to try Mithril Prophylactics!
DWALIN: But Bombur, you are so very fat...
GIMLI: So buy your Mithril Prophylactics today!
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(Scene fades out.)

---

RADAGAST (VO)
(grandly)
And we're back, ready for a lively interview!

SARUMAN
(flashes an insulting look at RADAGAST)
Yes. Today we depart from the "fellowship" to get a perspective from our ambiguously hobbit-like guest, Gollum.

(GOLLUM sneaks onstage suspiciously while a TREACHEROUS TUBA plays in the background. After sneering at the AUDIENCE, GOLLUM seats himself next to the morbid Orthanc desk.)

SARUMAN
Well hello, Gollum.

GOLLUM
We wants it! Wheeeere iss it?

SARUMAN
Where is what, Gollum?

GOLLUM
(livid)
The precious! MY preciousss! They stole it from usss!

SARUMAN
Ah. I see. WHO stole it?

GOLLUM
Filthy, nasty hobbitses they are...

SARUMAN
Which hobbits? Now I know you spent a lot of time with Sam and Frodo...and I'm curious, how was it to lead them to Mordor?

GOLLUM
Nasty, tricksy hobbitses!

SARUMAN
So, not good?

GOLLUM
No precious...but nice master had the precious, so we had to help.

SARUMAN
I see. I was wondering if maybe...you might answer...a question about the "hobbitses." Tell me, did you ever witness...anything...between Frodo and Sam?

GOLLUM
We sees everything, yes precious.

SARUMAN
What did you see them do?

GOLLUM
Eat nasty elf-bread, sleep—

SARUMAN
Ah yes. And would these hobbits "cuddle" when they were asleep?

GOLLUM
We saw them cuddle, yes, but not when they were sleeping, no precious.

SARUMAN
Ah ha! So the hobbits do cuddle?

GOLLUM
Nice master often gets sick and weary...then the fat one cuddles him.

SARUMAN
And do they whisper "sweet nothings" to each other then?

GOLLUM
(recoiling)
We is not watching them then.

SARUMAN
(confused)
But...you said you see everything that goes on between them...

GOLLUM
We sees everything when we is looking.

SARUMAN
(exasperated)
Well you must have seen something!

GOLLUM
Oh yes. We sees that they are wicked...tricksy...and FALSE!

SARUMAN
But the hobbit sex...did you see any of that?

(GOLLUM suddenly becomes angry and starts HISSING. Then HE hides behind SARUMAN's chair and SHRIEKS.)

GOLLUM
(screaming)
Wheeeere is it?!? We needs it!

SARUMAN
(calling offstage)
GRÍMA!

(GRÍMA rushes onstage.)

SARUMAN
Do something! Get a ring for him!

(GRÍMA rushes offstage.)

GOLLUM
(to SARUMAN)
So YOU stole it! Nasssty, slimy wizard...

SARUMAN
I don't have your precious.

GOLLUM
(throws self on ground dramatically)
It lies! It lies!

(GRÍMA runs back onstage with a TOWEL-RACK RING.)

GRÍMA
(sing-song)
Oh Sméagol! I have something nice for you!

(GRÍMA tosses the TOWEL-RACK RING toward GOLLUM.)

GOLLUM
(looks at RING appraisingly)
Precious...is bigger than before.

SARUMAN
Well...sometimes they change sizes.

RADAGAST (VO)
Uh, yes they do!

GOLLUM
(dancing)
My PRECIOUS!

SARUMAN
(in an undertone)
I'm glad that worked...

GOLLUM
(to TOWEL-RACK RING)
Oh my precious, we is hungry, yes?

SARUMAN
We'll be eating soon, Sméagol.

GOLLUM
(writhing)
But we starves! We STARVES!

RADAGAST (VO)
Well, we'll just go to commercial break now. Stay tuned for some...fun with fish.

GOLLUM
(frolicking)
Fissssh...nice FISH!

---

(ELLADAN and ELROHIR enter, "pimped out." In the background baby lullabies can be heard over a 70's porn music beat.)
ELLADAN: Hello one and all, current and future owners of Legolas Sex Slave alike...
ELROHIR: We always love the generous feedback we receive from you all; with helpful questions about maintenance and proper use of our product.
ELLADAN: And lately we have been receiving many letters dealing with the same issue: whether or not Legolas Sex Slave can become pregnant.
ELROHIR: We can definitely see why one would want Elvish offspring, what with the general attractiveness of all Elves as a race...
ELLADAN: So we have come up with our newest and most exciting invention yet: the Legolas MPreg Kit.
ELROHIR: It's true. Now you can help make even more little princes and princesses of Mirkwood!
ELLADAN: The most important part of the Legolas MPreg Kit is our patented MPreg Software that is a snap to install.
(ELROHIR brings forward a LEGOLAS DOLL for demonstration.)
ELROHIR: First you take our MPreg microchip and feed it to your Legolas Sex Slave. If he won't eat it, put it in some whipped cream from the Schoolgirl Kit.
(ELROHIR feeds MICROCHIP to LEGOLAS DOLL.)
LEGOLAS: (robotic) Yum.
ELLADAN: After this simple installation, you will find that your Legolas Sex Slave can indeed have your babies, just like you've always dreamed!
ELROHIR: And what could be better than that?
ELLADAN: Not too much, I'm thinking.
ELROHIR: Now onto a few tips we have for using the Legolas MPreg Kit: don't expect to get pregnant on the first try.
ELLADAN: I'm sure most customers won't complain about having a try a few times.
(THEY high-five.)
ELROHIR: Indeed. Also, you will know when your Legolas Sex Slave is pregnant when he adopts the following behaviors:
ELLADAN: 1. Vomiting when presented with whipped cream and/or other tasty implements you may have incorporated into your lovemaking routine.
ELROHIR: 2. A sudden shyness about being naked because he feels fat.
ELLADAN: 3. Inexplicable cravings for strange foods such as turnips and kumquats.
ELROHIR: 4. And heightened sensitivity during use. Usually these symptoms are not terribly problematic.
ELLADAN: Also we have included a lovely flowered maternity muumuu for Legolas Sex Slave to wear when he is due.
ELROHIR: And speaking of due dates, we've managed to significantly decrease the gestation period of these babies from about 9 months to 1 week.
ELLADAN: Talk about progress. At any rate, your Legolas Sex Slave needn't be taken to a hospital when he is in labor.
ELROHIR: You just need to be ready with hot water and a towel nearby when your Legolas baby is born.
ELLADAN: And that's all there is to it! We've also included some free sets of baby clothes in this kit.
ELROHIR: Additionally you will find that Legolas Sex Slave is quite resilient after giving birth: he will have no unsightly stretch marks, and will be able to be put to use again in about a day and a half after giving birth.
ELLADAN: So buy the Legolas MPreg Kit as soon as possible, so Legolas Sex Slave can be well on his way to having your babies.
(LEGOLAS DOLL in background starts having CONTRACTIONS. ELLADAN descends with HOT WATER and TOWEL in hand.)
LEGOLAS: (robotic, in labor) Ow, ow, having a baby. Ow.
(ELLADAN reemerges holding a BABY LEGOLAS in his arms.)
ELROHIR: Awww, isn't he darling?
ELLADAN: So buy your Legolas MPreg Kit today!
BABY LEGOLAS: (giggles adorably)
BOTH: Awwwwww!
(Scene fades out with ELLADAN and ELOHIR fussing over BABY LEGOLAS.)

---

RADAGAST (VO)
We're back! And much calmer. Let's join Saruman and Gollum in the kitchen.

SARUMAN
Welcome back. Now it is time for the cooking segment of the show.

GOLLUM
(to TOWEL-RACK RING)
We is hungry, yes precious!

SARUMAN
Well Gollum, I have a special treat for you today, since I know you like seafood so much.

GOLLUM
Fish!

(SARUMAN pulls out platters of SALMON, SOLE and HALIBUT and places them on the counter.)

SARUMAN
Now then, how should we cook the fish?

RADAGAST (VO)
Oooh, with the grill!

SARUMAN
I agree.

GOLLUM
(shrieks)
The GRILL?

SARUMAN
Yes...

GOLLUM
NO!!!!!!!!!!

SARUMAN
But I've always wanted to use the grill...

RADAGAST (VO)
(to SARUMAN)
Just start with the preparation...maybe he won't notice if you use the grill...

SARUMAN
Well...Gollum...which fish is your favorite?

GOLLUM
We likes all fishes, yes. Even ooky catfishes that live in goblin caves. We likes to bite into them when they are still wriggling, precious!

SARUMAN
That...is...gross...but anyway, the fish.

GOLLUM
(desperate)
We wants it! Give it to us!

(GOLLUM jumps onto the counter and grabs a handful of FISH. It is a FILLET, so it isn't even a WHOLE FISH.)

GOLLUM
(singing/slapping FILLET forcefully on the counter)
We only wish to catch a fish!

SARUMAN
Please...no sing—

GOLLUM
(singing, still slapping FILLET)
Juicy SWEET!

SARUMAN
Gollum, now the fish does NOT need tenderizing at this point!

GOLLUM
We is only trying to make it better, yes precious!

SARUMAN
Give me that fillet!

GOLLUM
No!

(GOLLUM ravenously gobbles up the entire FILLET.)

RADAGAST (VO)
I think I'm going to be sick.

SARUMAN
For once, I agree with you.

SOPUH
Yeah, even for Uruk-hai who like to lick our bloody knives, that squicked us.

SARUMAN
Now we have no more halibut...Well, fine. You like raw fish...I guess we won't use the grill...

GOLLUM
Good! Grill ruins it. It RUINS IT!

SARUMAN
(exasperated)
Yes, that's why we aren't using it. Well, we still have salmon and sole. I was thinking we could use some sticky rice and seaweed and make sushi instead...

GOLLUM
NO!

SARUMAN
But...the fish is still raw, Gollum.

GOLLUM
So hung up on cooking wizards are...just like Masster's friend...he RUINED the rabbitses...

SARUMAN
Coneys?

RADAGAST (VO)
What?

SARUMAN
Taters?

(GOLLUM suddenly looks shocked and horrified. HE looks at the TOWEL-RACK RING with contempt.)

GOLLUM
Filthy.....nassty, LIARS! They lies to Sméagol...

SARUMAN
No...nobody lied—

GOLLUM
(screaming, throwing TOWEL-RACK RING)
THIS ISN'T THE PRECIOUSSS! Did filthy, nasty, wizard keep it all to himself? It's mine! MINE!!!

SARUMAN
Now Gollum, I do NOT have your precious...would you please just—

(GOLLUM jumps on SARUMAN viciously, trying to bite HIS neck.)

SARUMAN
AAAAAH! Get him off me!

RADAGAST (VO)
Oh dear!

SOPUH
This is disastrous...

SARUMAN
(wrestling to get GOLLUM away)
Get off me, you fool!

(GOLLUM stops attacking SARUMAN. HE grabs the remaining FISH FILLETS from the counter, and runs offstage screaming whilst devouring aforementioned FILLETS.)

SARUMAN
(disgruntled)
Let's...go back...to having the FELLOWSHIP on my show...

SOPUH
You know, that isn't a bad idea.

RADAGAST (VO)
Well thanks for tuning in again this week folks. Hopefully next week will be a bit more...orderly than this week. Yes. Well anyway, join us in one week when we interview...a MAN! That's right! Boromir of Gondor will be on. See you then!

(SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI: Phew. Thankfully we are back to the fellowship this week.
RADAGAST (VO): But what about the two letters...?
SOPUH: Oh nothing to worry about really. It's just that Boromir sent us two letters saying he'd love to be on our show...
RADAGAST (VO): But they were worded and signed differently!
SOPUH: Oh let's just not worry about it. On with the show!)

RADAGAST (VO)
Hello! Welcome once again to our show! Frankly, I'm amazed we've made it longer than six shows without being cancelled...

SARUMAN (VO)
What can I say? The people...love...ME...

RADAGAST (VO)
Right...

SARUMAN (VO)
People...love......ME!!!

RADAGAST (VO)
Anyway. Let's give a great big hand to our favorite debatably loveable host, Saruman!

(SARUMAN enters as always. HE sits behind the Morbid Orthanc Desk.)

SARUMAN
Welcome, one and all. I have to say that I am very glad this week that we are going back...to...the FELLOWSHIP. I always thought they were all rather poncy, but...they are infinitely better than raging maniacs...

RADAGAST (VO)
With fish obsessions!

SARUMAN
(curls lip disdainfully)
Yes. Yuck. That was...icky. Today, we return to our roots! You will recall that during our very first show...our...fledgling...show...

RADAGAST (VO)
(fondly)
Awwww.

SARUMAN
Well...let's just say we're going back to basics. No more silly gimmicks, like that Elf whinging on about oliphaunts...no more...hysterics...no more aggravating hobbits...no more arguments about the SUPERIOR way in which I cook my food...No. We are returning...to...the race......of MORTALS!

RADAGAST (VO)
(gasps)
Men???

SARUMAN
Men. Today, we feature yet another scruffy man; Boromir of Gondor, son of that batty old steward Denethor.

RADAGAST (VO)
(fans self)
Oh Boromir!!!

SARUMAN
Cease and desist, Radagast! I realize we have a virile, dirty, scruffy man on the show today, but you must refrain from drooling!

RADAGAST (VO)
Well, if you insist. Goodness. My heart is just positively racing at the prospect. But it's time to cut to commercial break. Please stick around...to see...that stunning hunk of man...

SARUMAN
Radagast! We'll be right back, folks.

---

(Slow fade in, obvious MOVIE PREVIEW. A RANDOM ANNOUNCER VOICE (probably ELROND) narrates in the style of a Movie Preview Voice. Cue: dramatic violins. Camera cuts to scenes described by ELROND.)
ELROND: Deep in the heart of Drúadan Forest...there dwells a Wild Man...
(GHÂN-BURI-GHÂN appears, doing typical Wild Man things: poisoning arrows, sharpening sticks, etc.)
GHÂN-BURI-GHÂN: I am great headman Ghân-Buri-Ghân! Ugh ugh ugh!
ELROND: But among the Harad...there dwelt...a great Oliphaunt.
(MÛMAKIL appears, galumphing about.)
MÛMAKIL: BRAAAAAWR!
ELROND: (grandly) In a time...where love is forsworn...we cannot help but wonder what would happen...if two such unlikely creatures...should MEET?
(Cue: Sappy 80's love ballad. GHÂN-BURI-GHÂN sees the beauteous MÛMAKIL. They run toward each other, arms, trunks open. THEY meet and embrace.)
GHÂN-BURI-GHÂN: Never in all my days of counting have I seen a creature such as you...
MÛMAKIL: (fondly) Braaaaaawww.........
GHÂN-BURI-GHÂN: I count many things, dear one; the stars, the leaves on a tree, men in the dark.
MÛMAKIL: Braaaaaaw?!?
GHÂN-BURI-GHÂN: But all those men in the dark are as nothing when I see you...my Mûmakil...
(A rather large oliphaunty EMBRACE ensues.)
ELROND: But love is challenged, as it always is!
(GHÂN-BURI-GHÂN and MÛMAKIL are torn from each other in a dramatic star-crossed-lovers montage.)
ELROND: It will force one man...one...Wild Man...to ponder the eternal question:
(Overly dramatic pan to GHÂN's face, with meaningful drumbeats in the background.)
ELROND: (gravely) "What would you do for the love of a good oliphaunt?"
(Cue: Dramatic chase scene montage following GHÂN's inimitable adventures.)
ELROND: Coming to theatres this Forelithe—
MÛMAKIL: BRAAAAAAAWRRR!
ELROND: "For the Love of an Oliphaunt." Don't miss it! (This film is not yet rated.)
(Scene fades out slowly.)

---

SARUMAN
Hmm. Well, we are BACK. Back for some good clean fun with scruffy men.

RADAGAST (VO)
(emits a fangirl-esque squeal)

SARUMAN
And now, for the time you've all been waiting for, introducing the one, the only, Boromir son of Denethor, future Steward of Gondor!

(An orchestra of valiant violins begins play as...BAKSHI'S BOROMIR enters. (!?!) There is general uproar in the audience. "Boromir" sits next to morbid Orthanc desk.)

RADAGAST (VO)
What the???

SOPUH
Oh no...

SARUMAN
Boromir...

BAKSHI BOROMIR
Yes. It is I. Boromir of GONDOR!

RADAGAST (VO)
You aren't Boromir!

BAKSHI BOROMIR
Ralph Bakshi thinks I'm Boromir.

RADAGAST (VO)
(spluttering)
But...but...you're wearing a helmet with HORNS! That's the most undignified thing I've ever seen! The real Boromir would never do that.

SARUMAN
Now, now, Radagast. We mustn't hurt our guest's feelings. So. Boromir...

RADAGAST (VO)
But WHY in the name of Ilúvatar is he wearing a miniskirt?

BAKSHI BOROMIR
Gondor has no pants! Gondor needs no pants!

SARUMAN
Why, I rather thought you would like Boromir in a miniskirt, Radagast.

RADAGAST (VO)
But this is NOT Boromir! This is a travesty!

AUDIENCE
Isn't that what Tolkien said?

SARUMAN, RADAGAST (VO), SOPUH, BAKSHI BOROMIR
Who?

AUDIENCE
(awkward pause)
Never mind.

RADAGAST (VO)
(to BAKSHI BOROMIR)
Well, if you aren't the real Boromir, then where is he?

(Suddenly a Majestic Horn is played offstage. The real BOROMIR runs onstage, horn, sword and shield in hand.)

RADAGAST (VO)
(swoons)
The horn of Gondor!

BOROMIR
(to BAKSHI BOROMIR)
So! You dare to pose as me? You call yourself a man of Gondor? Just look at you!

RADAGAST (VO)
He has an ugly beard!

BOROMIR
Yes! How dare you tie me up backstage???

BAKSHI BOROMIR
Saruman gave me some rope...

(EVERYONE looks pointedly at SARUMAN.)

SARUMAN
(innocently)
What?

BOROMIR
(to BAKSHI BOROMIR)
And now...get offstage! Go back to your dreadful, animated, rotoscoped world!

BAKSHI BOROMIR
I refuse!

(BOROMIR and BAKSHI BOROMIR start fighting each other with swords. GRÍMA rushes onstage trying to usher off BAKSHI BOROMIR. General uproar.)

SARUMAN
Mwa...ha......ha!

RADAGAST (VO)
Oh you. Well we'll be back momentarily, with the real Boromir. Tasty and scruffy. Stay tuned!

---

(A sunlit room in Imladris with two matching beds slowly fades in. ELLADAN and ELROHIR enter tentatively, without the "pimped out" fur coats. THEY still maintain the "pimped out" attitude, though. ELROHIR turns on some very quiet 70s porn music and ELLADAN sets up a LEGOLAS DOLL, wearing pink nightie in the background.)
ELROHIR: (whispering) Hi folks, this is Elladan and Elrohir back once again with another great accessory for your Legolas Sex Slave.
ELLADAN: (normal speaking volume) From the Elves who brought you—
ELROHIR: Shhh! Quietly!
ELLADAN: (whispering) Right. Well see, the reason we're in a different room this week and have to be quite is because Ada found out about...all this.
ELROHIR: And believe us, that was not a pretty picture.
ELLADAN: So now our Legolas Sex Slave business has to be strictly covert-ops.
(THEY high-five.)
ELROHIR: But don't worry faithful customers! We'll still be here providing for your every Sex Slave need!
ELLADAN: Right. Well, despite having to be hush-hush about this, we have managed to come up with a great new accessory for your Legolas Sex Slave.
ELROHIR: Introducing the Legolas "Like a Virgin" Kit!
ELLADAN: Are you tired of your Legolas Sex Slave always being so raunchy and experienced?
ELROHIR: Then you simply must try the Legolas "Like a Virgin" Kit. It's fantastic!
ELLADAN: This kit included a delightfully innocent pink baby-doll nightie, and our patented First Time microchip.
ELROHIR: The First Time microchip technology works just like the MPreg one; you simply feed it to your Legolas Sex Slave. Your Legolas will look positively demure in this nightie...and the First Time microchip will ensure that your Legolas keeps those innocent doe-like eyes...
ELLADAN: That shy, blushing bride look...
ELROHIR: Those sweet, virginal protestations...
ELLADAN: Yes! Now, time for a demonstration!
(ELROHIR brings LEGOLAS DOLL forward.)
ELROHIR: Besides looking positively adorable and inexperienced, he will have a new variety of True to Life "Like a Virgin" sayings!
(ELROHIR squeezes LEGOLAS DOLL's right hand.)
LEGOLAS: (robotic, fluttery eyes) Oh my. I've never done this before.
(ELLADAN squeezes LEGOLAS DOLL's right hand.)
LEGOLAS: (robotic) But we mustn't, darling! We must wait for the wedding night!
(ELROHIR squeezes LEGOLAS DOLL's right hand.)
LEGOLAS: I am an innocent Wood Elf!
ELLADAN: (boisterously) And who wouldn't want that?
ELROHIR: I certainly don't—
(Suddenly someone is POUNDING on the door. ELROND starts shouting behind the TWIN's door.)
ELROND: (enraged) What's going on in there? Is that...porn music I hear?!?
ELLADAN: No Ada! No...it's......it's nothing!
ELROHIR: Nothing, we're just....
ELROND: Are you selling those preposterous sex slaves still?
ELLADAN and ELROHIR: (petulantly) No.
ELROND: You better not be!
(ELROND stomps off somewhere.)
ELROHIR: Ai Ilúvatar, that was close.
ELLADAN: (whispering) I think Ada is just mad because Glorfindel bought a Legolas Sex Slave...
ELROHIR: (back to camera) Anyway, you should invest in a "Like a Virgin" Kit.
(ELROHIR squeezes LEGOLAS DOLL's right hand again.)
LEGOLAS: (robotic, very loud) I AM AN INNOCENT WOOD ELF! I AM AN INNOCENT WOOD ELF! I AM AN INNOCENT WOOD ELF!
ELLADAN: Oh no! Shut him up, shut him up!
(ELLADAN and ELROHIR frantically poke and prod LEGOLAS DOLL, trying to make it shut up. ELLADAN tries shoving an extra nightie in LEGOLAS DOLL's mouth; it does not work.)
LEGOLAS: I AM AN INNOCENT WOOD ELF! I AM AN INNOCENT WOOD ELF!
ELROHIR: It isn't working!
(There is ANGRY STOMPING outside the room, and then ELROND starts pounding on the door.)
ELROND: Let me in! You're selling those sex slaves again!
LEGOLAS: I AM AN INNOCENT WOOD ELF!
ELLADAN and ELROHIR: No Ada! It isn't what you think! Don't come in!!!
ELROND: (fuming) First I had to take away those foolish furry coats...
LEGOLAS: I AM AN INNOCENT WOOD ELF!
ELROND: Thranduil will NOT be happy...Let me in! Two elf princes...it's shameful!
LEGOLAS: I AM AN INNOCENT WOOD ELF! I AM AN INNOCENT WOOD ELF!
(Chaos ensues as ELROND breaks through the door and ELLADAN and ELROHIR frantically try to hide the screaming LEGOLAS DOLL under a bed. LEGOLAS DOLL continues screaming "I AM AN INNOCENT WOOD ELF" as the scene fades out.)

---

RADAGAST (VO)
You know, we should really thing about getting those twins to come to the show...

SARUMAN
Yes! Thranduil and Elrond must be positively seething...

RADAGAST (VO)
Anyway, we're back! And luckily with the help of hunky Boromir, we got rid of that dreadful imposter. No thanks to you Saruman! You'll get us cancelled if you keep doing that!

SARUMAN
Balderdash...now. It is time...to cook!

BOROMIR
Sinisterly?

SARUMAN
With...me. Yes. Well it just so happens we have enough time to make a delightful treat: blueberry muffins!

BOROMIR
Muffins?

SARUMAN
What's wrong with muffins?

BOROMIR
Nothing...well...I was hoping to make something a little more manly.

(RADAGAST swoons.)

SARUMAN
(shoots RADAGAST a Look, then returns to BOROMIR)
Muffins...aren't......manly?

BOROMIR
No. Not at all.

SARUMAN
(sinisterly)
Not even...banana muffins???

BOROMIR
Is that some kind of Prison Lingo?

SARUMAN
Well let's find out. Pass me the muffin tin, Boromir.

BOROMIR
(passing muffin tin)
This is dumb.

SARUMAN
(enraged)
What? My cooking is art! Pure unadulterated art! You dare to call my art "dumb"? My muffins are NOT dumb! Oh just you wait and see. Once you try my muffins, you won't be able to resist...

RADAGAST (VO)
Is that some sort of come-on?

BOROMIR
(boldly)
Gondor has no muffins! Gondor needs no muffins!

SARUMAN
No wonder you were always the odd one out...in the fellowship...

BOROMIR
What are you talking about?

SARUMAN
Does "blow the horn of Gondor" ring any bells?

BOROMIR
What??? Nobody blows the horn of Gondor except me.

SARUMAN
See Radagast? I told you he was a "loner."

RADAGAST (VO)
Oh stop it, you!

SARUMAN
I...am...evil!

BOROMIR
You're smarmy. I'm leaving.

(BOROMIR walks offstage.)

RADAGAST (VO)
Wait! Come back Boromir! Come back!

SOPUH
The network will have a field day with this...

SARUMAN
Mwahahahahaha!

RADAGAST (VO)
Damn. Well...join us next week. We'll be having a delightful secret surprise (poetic) guest! Hopefully Saruman won't ruin that show too...See you then!

(SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI: (to SARUMAN) Now remember you promised to make this show less racy.
SARUMAN (VO): Hmph. How can they even be racy when none of my guests will admit the obvious truth?
SOPUH: Give it a rest. But please remember, the show is at stake. Don't be a perv.)

RADAGAST (VO)
Welcome one and all! It is time for yet another thrilling episode of "Cooking (Sinisterly) with Saruman!!!" Woo hoo! We sure are excited for today's show because we have a super secret SURPRISE guest!

SARUMAN (VO)
I am not surprised. The audience isn't either.

RADAGAST (VO)
Oh you. You're just bitter it isn't a certain...hobbit.

SARUMAN (VO)
I...am...not.

RADAGAST (VO)
You're just always looking for a pervy story, but today you really can't do it.

SARUMAN (VO)
Hrmph. We...shall......see.

RADAGAST (VO)
But you know what the network said, Saruman! Now really, I'm surprised at you.

SARUMAN (VO)
But not surprised at the surprise guest?

RADAGAST (VO)
You rascally old curmudgeon!

(SARUMAN winces audibly.)

RADAGAST (VO)
Oh I heard that! But heavens to Betsy! Just look at me ramble on! Well folks, it's time to give a nice, warm, frothy welcome to our one and only (sinister) host, Saruman!

(SARUMAN enters with a dour look on his face and sits at the morbid Orthanc desk.)

SARUMAN
Yes. Today we have...a "surprise" guest. Now I'm going to spoil the surprise...Our guest is none other than the famous poet and songwriter...Tom Bombadil.

RADAGAST (VO)
Ooooh I love his songs! Do you think he would autograph my copy of his CD?

SARUMAN
You are a twit.

RADAGAST (VO)
Oh! Speaking of which, it's time for our first commercial break! Great timing too, I might add.

SARUMAN
But I'm not finished introd—

RADAGAST (VO)
We'll be back momentarily. Ta ta!

---

(Scene fades in with TOM BOMBADIL dancing down of forest trail amidst loud, cheerful music. FATTY BOLGER does voice-over.)
FATTY (VO): Available today for the very first time is one special offer you don't want to miss! Now exclusively for you die-hard fans out there comes an exciting album from one of our most beloved musicians and songwriters.
TOM: (singing) Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow;
Bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow.
FATTY (VO): That's right folks! Tom Bombadil himself is releasing his greatest hits of all time! Old favorites like "Hop along the Withywindle," "Ballad to Goldberry" and the ever beloved "Ring a Dong Dillo."
TOM: (singing) Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo!
Ring a dong! Hop along fa lal the willow!
Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo!
FATTY (VO): This collector's edition album, complete with autographed jacket art can now be YOURS! Besides the golden oldies, Tom is also introducing a few new songs including "Old Man Willow (Reprise)," "Badger-Brock," and "Let the Song Begin."
TOM: (singing) Now let the song begin!
Let us sing together!
FATTY (VO): Speaking of singing, this unique album also features a Bombadil classic, "Call to Tom," redone in a lovely choral arrangement by the famous Hobbiton choir!
(HOBBIT CHOIR fades in as TOM dances by them. THEY wear matching forest-green choir robes and large HIDEOUS HAIRBOWS around their heads. Said BOWS are too big to be allowed, and every choir member, including the MEN, is wearing them.)
HOBBIT CHOIR: Ho! Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadillo!
By water, wood and hill, by the reed and willow,
By fire, sun and moon, harken now and hear us!
Come, Tom Bombadil, for our need is near us!
FATTY (VO): Is your need near YOU yet? It certainly should be! Order "Ring a Dong Dillo" today and treasure it for years to come!
(TOM flashes a smile toward the camera and dances away merrily.)
FATTY (VO): But that's not all! Order now and you can get a FREE pair of yellow boots and your very own river-daughter so that you too can share in the magic that is "Ring a Dong Dillo." Supplies are limited, so order now!
(Scene and music fade out slowly with HOBBIT CHOIR waving goodbye to TOM BOMBADIL.)

---

RADAGAST (VO)
Well now that serves as a marvelous introduction for our guest.

SARUMAN
I was supposed to give the introduction. But fine. Fine. Week after week I get cut out of my own show...

RADAGAST (VO)
(pertly)
Now don't be a bugaboo.

SARUMAN
Don't ever call me that again. Git. Now, introducing the man of the hour, a being of ambiguous descent whose poetry and music is said to touch so many (but touch certain hobbits in particular), Tom Bombadil!

(TOM BOMBADIL enters in a sprightly manner as a PERSNICKETY PICCOLO is piped. HE sits in spindly chair next to morbid Orthanc desk.)

SARUMAN
Hello Tom.

TOM
Hello, good day dear Saruman!
Whose beard is white and robe is tan!

SARUMAN
It's WHITE...

RADAGAST (VO)
(in an undertone)
Ecru...

SARUMAN
(gives RADAGAST a withering stare, then proceeds)
So, you've released your greatest hits plus some new songs...

TOM
Now, now dear Saruman, the faintly ecru,
Goldberry said releasing them would be the best thing to do.

SARUMAN
Hmm. Goldberry. Seems like a convenient excuse.

TOM
Excuses don't befit one such as Bombadillo,
Of what do you speak, Old Man Willow?

SARUMAN
What?!?

TOM
(to SARUMAN, grandly)
What be you a-thinking of?
You should not be waking.
Eat earth! Dig deep! Drink water! Go to sleep!
Bombadil is talking!

(A pause.)

SARUMAN
I fail to see how that was pertinent. Well, at any rate, we shall not be eating earth on today's program.

RADAGAST (VO)
Well then what's the dish today, Old Man Willow?

SARUMAN
I WILL smite you.

TOM
Hey dol! merry dol! Ring a dong dillo!
Don't you be a-smiting, Old Man Willow!

SARUMAN
(stands up)
I WILL NOT stand for this!

TOM
Be a-sitting down now, Old Man Willow!
Says Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo.

SARUMAN
If you promise to stop speaking in verse!

TOM
Now don't be such a sour peevish kind of fellow!
Be happy like Bombadil, whose lucky boots are yellow!

SARUMAN
This...is...maddening! I'd rather have Gollum back.

TOM
Poor old willow-man, tuck your roots away!

SARUMAN
Stop calling me that, you fool! Now, the food I will prepare today is—

RADAGAST (VO)
Commercial break! No time!

SARUMAN
But—

RADAGAST (VO)
Be back sooner than you can say "Ring a Dong Dillo!"

---

(Scene fades into reveal a dungeon. ELLADAN and ELROHIR are chained together in a cell. FIGWIT stands guard.)
ELLADAN: Hello once again! Although we are in a somewhat compromised situation...
ELROHIR: ...we will continue to make and sell our wildly popular Legolas Sex Slaves!
ELLADAN: You may wonder why we're stuck in a cell right now...
ELROHIR: Thranduil. Quite a temper, that one.
ELLADAN: He's mad we made his son a Sex Slave, so he had us kidnapped and imprisoned.
ELROHIR: Sure makes me wish we had a hobbit around with a magic ring...
ELLADAN: But fear naught! Where there is a will, there is definitely a way...
ELROHIR: And lots of bribes for the guard.
FIGWIT: (big smile) Sometimes I wear the Legolas Schoolgirl Costume for fun!
(ELLADAN and ELROHIR exchange HORRIFIED LOOKS.)
ELLADAN: Anyway, we thought we'd address an issue that has come to our attention concerning Legolas Sex Slave...
ELROHIR: It seems that there is a bug in the Legolas MPreg Kit. We have received many letters telling us that not only are the gestation periods for Legolas babies getting shorter, there is a malfunction which causes Legolas Sex Slave to have twins and even triplets...
ELLADAN: Causing a multitude of baby Legoli. This is a bit of a problem, as the software was designed to give owners of Legolas Sex Slave one to two children at most.
ELROHIR: As means of demonstrating this malfunction, our guard has brought in his pregnant Legolas Sex Slave.
(FIGWIT grins madly as he presents a pregnant LEGOLAS DOLL and helps deliver the LEGOLAS BABY.)
LEGOLAS: (robotic) Ow, labor, having a baby, ow, ow.
FIGWIT: My very own elven baby!
ELLADAN: Say, Figwit, would you mind untying us so we could...er, help?
FIGWIT: I don't think Thranduil would like that.
ELROHIR: What are you doing here anyway? Aren't you supposed to be in Imladris?
FIGWIT: Fake elves don't have to follow the rules!
LEGOLAS: (robotic) Ow, ow, having another baby, ow.
FIGWIT: Oh goodness, another one already?
ELLADAN: Hence the bug in the program...
(LEGOLAS DOLL starts having babies continuously.)
LEGOLAS: (robotic) Ow! Baby! Having! Ow, ow!
ELROHIR: Well, to ameliorate this bug, we would like to introduce Legolas Sex Slave Birth Control!
LEGOLAS: (robotic) Ow! Babies! More, ow, in labor.
ELLADAN: And we ask everyone to send their defective MPreg Kits back to us, and we will fix them.
ELROHIR: And concerning the multitudes of babies, we were considering having you all send them back to us, but then we realized we didn't very well know what to do with them.
ELLADAN: So instead we want you to send them to Thranduil.
FIGWIT: Oh no! He will be positively infuriated!
LEGOLAS: (robotic) Ow, must...stop...having...BABIES.
FIGWIT: Gah! Now there are eighteen of them!
ELLADAN: Speaking of infuriated, please untie us!
FIGWIT: No can do.
(Suddenly ARWEN rushes in wielding HADHAFANG. There is stunned silence for a moment. Then LEGOLAS DOLL goes back into labor.)
LEGOLAS: (robotic) OWWWW!
ARWEN: Guess what, Figwit?
FIGWIT: (tentatively) What?
ARWEN: (brightly) Fake swords don't have to follow rules either!
FIGWIT: Meaning?
ARWEN: Time to chop up some fake elf!
(FIGWIT screams ridiculously as a chase between the two ensues. ELLADAN and ELROHIR take advantage of the moment and move toward the cell door.)
ELLADAN: Oy, Arwen!
(As FIGWIT and ARWEN run by again, she cuts through the lock with HADHAFANG.)
ELROHIR: Thanks! So...buy your Legolas Sex Slave Birth Control today! Guaranteed to work, fake elf or not!
ELLADAN: And send the Legolas babies to pissy Thranduil!
(FIGWIT starts to chase ELLADAN and ELROHIR as ARWEN follows behind him, while LEGOLAS DOLL continues having babies. Scene fades out in chaos.)

---

RADAGAST (VO)
Huh. Elvish Birth Control. I ought to write that one down...

SARUMAN
You mean to tell me that YOU of all people own a Legolas Sex Slave?

RADAGAST (VO)
Nooo...

TOM
What be we cooking today, Mr. Sarumanny?
Some crumpets hot and jam, or perhaps some hard salami?

SARUMAN
(to RADAGAST)
You tell me that is not prison lingo!

SOPUH
Saruman, please!

SARUMAN
(sighs)
No. No hard salami today, Tom. Probably for those hobbits though, but anyway, today I thought we could make a lovely garden salad with some wild berry garnish.

TOM
A salad crisp with a nice big berry
Is sure to make Tom feel quite merry!

SARUMAN
And speaking of Merry...I hear you are...acquainted with the hobbits...

RADAGAST (VO)
Saruman! Cooking! Not pervy banter!

SARUMAN
Fine. Tom, please rinse the lettuce for our salad...and I...shall TOSS it!

(A pause.)

SARUMAN
I said...I shall TOSS IT!

(Another pause.)

RADAGAST (VO)
Okay...?

SARUMAN
Well. Erm. Anyway, Tom, why don't you tell us a little bit about the hobbits whilst I prepare...to TOSS!

RADAGAST (VO)
(defeated sigh)

TOM
Merry fellows are those hobbits
Full of mirth, joy and...and...

SARUMAN
Hah! Nothing rhymes with "hobbit!" Foiled! Now, I would rather like to know...why you told the hobbits to run naked in the grass.

(A pause.)

SARUMAN
You told them clothes didn't matter...Well, what did they do...when they were...naked?

RADAGAST (VO)
Now Saruman, I hardly think this is—

SARUMAN
Well someone must confirm my suspicions! What say you, Bombadillo?

TOM
(authoritatively, to SARUMAN)
Get out, you Old Wight! Vanish in the sunlight!

SARUMAN
What in the name of Morgoth...I am no Wight!

RADAGAST (VO)
Oh pish.

TOM
(indicating SARUMAN)
From now on I think he ought to be referred to as Saruman the Wight.

RADAGAST (VO)
Hehe, the Wight! It's perfect! But...oh goodness! Just look at the time!

SARUMAN
No! The show can't be over yet....you...you—

TOM
Shut thee up, Old Man Willow!

SARUMAN
(steam pours out ears)
I...hate...you...all.

RADAGAST (VO)
Sourpuss. Oh well. Join us again next week for another great show when we interview everyone's favorite Elven twins! You guessed right! Elladan and Elrohir will be here! You'll have to grab your Legolas Sex Slaves and a remote, and be sure to tune in. Cheerio!

(SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI: (collective clearing of throats)
SARUMAN (VO): You don't even have to tell me. I'm to keep the show clean?
SOPUH: Well, er, considering who our guests are, we're guessing it might be uh, hard to stay clean...
SARUMAN (VO): Yeeeees?
SOPUH: So, do your best. Don't get TOO pervy. Until the guests are
out. We mean.
SARUMAN (VO): The key qualifier being "too.")

RADAGAST (VO)
Well, howdy do folks! We're ever so happy to be back with yet another scrumptious show! You know, with all those great cooking skills, how could our...I mean, Saruman's show not be scrumptious?

SARUMAN (VO)
At last, you foolish Brown wizard, at last you've remembered whose show this is!

RADAGAST (VO)
Well, thank you kindly, Pudding Tart!

SARUMAN (VO)
(shudder)

RADAGAST (VO)
I mean, let's all put our hands together for the wizard of the hour, Saruman!

(SARUMAN enters in a slightly less dour mood than usual. He seats himself at the MORBID ORTHANC DESK.)

SARUMAN
Today, we have for you the show of shows! The absolute best in cooking/talk show entertainment, because today I am actually quite...intrigued by my guests...

RADAGAST (VO)
(squees)
Oh, who ISN'T?

SARUMAN
Silence, Bird-tamer! Today our guests are none other than the wildly popular makers of quality sexual devices, Elladan and Elrohir!

RADAGAST (VO)
I just would love to see what new things they've come out with for my Legolas Sex Slave!!!

SARUMAN
Radagast! That is more than any of us wanted to know...

RADAGAST (VO)
That is to say, in a totally hypothetical situation I would love to see what—

SARUMAN
Enough!

SOPUH
(emphatically)
Please...no more pervy insinuations!

(Long pause.)

RADAGAST (VO)
Uh. Yes. Off to commercial break we go! Don't touch that dial because we will be right back!

---

(Scene fades in to reveal a warm, sunlit bathroom in BAG-END. There is hot water being poured in the bathtub by SAM. FRODO enters wearing only a towel.)
FRODO: My dear Sam, thank you ever so much for drawing my water...
SAM: Why, of course Mr. Frodo.
(FRODO quickly disrobes and jumps into the bathtub.)
FRODO: Aaaah, there is nothing like a warm, steamy bath to lift the spirits.
SAM: (quietly) You can say that again, Mr. Frodo...
FRODO: And now, Sam, would you bring me my soap?
SAM: Surely!
(SAM grabs a traditional bar of soap, and as he's bringing it to FRODO, he slips in a CONVENIENT PUDDLE and the soap splashes into the tub.)
FRODO: Bother!
SAM: Oh, I'm so dreadfully sorry, Mr. Frodo!
FRODO: It's all right, Sam, but now however are we to find that soap?
SAM: I'll tell you, I haven't the foggiest, but maybe my old Gaffer—
(In a swift motion, FRODO splashes SAM thoroughly with water.)
FRODO: Not now, Sam! Well, it appears you're all wet. At this point you might as well take off those clothes and hop right in.
SAM: (scandalized) But Mr. Frodo!
FRODO: Don't be a prude, Sam my dear.
SAM: Well, I suppose it couldn't hurt.
FRODO: No, it most certainly won't. And besides, you can help me look for that soap!
SAM: Oh, well when you put it that way, it doesn't sound half bad...
(SAM disrobes and also jumps into the tub.)
FRODO: That's my Sam! Now, where could that soap be???
SAM: I'll find it, Mr. Frodo!
(There is much GIGGLING and SPLASHING. For a moment, SAM lifts the soap out of the water, but it slips between his hands and splashes back into the water.)
SAM: Shucks!
(More GIGGLING and SPLASHING.)
SAM: (out of breath) Why, Mr. Frodo, I think I found it...er...I...oh my...
FRODO: (huskily) Oh Sam...come closer, my silly gardener...
(More splashing and now some quite obvious questionable HOBBIT ACTIVITIES. Suddenly, MERRY and PIPPIN enter, clothed. SAM and FRODO pay them no mind.)
PIPPIN: (indicating SAM and FRODO) Well, if you don't want to be constantly losin' your soap and ending up in all that tomfoolery...
MERRY: Then buy this lovely Soap on an Elven Rope!
FRODO: (to SAM) Oh, yes, Sam, yes, yes!
MERRY: (nonplussed) Guaranteed never to break, so you won't have to worry about such, er, messy situations in the future!
PIPPIN: (winks at MERRY) I mean, unless you really want to.
MERRY: Right. Soap on an Elven Rope...
SAM: (to FRODO, orgasmically) Oh yes, it works, Mr. Frodo, it really works!!!
PIPPIN: Don't take it from us, take it from Sam.
MERRY: Buy Soap on an Elven Rope today!
(MERRY and PIPPIN scamper off, leaving SAM and FRODO clutching each other in a torrid embrace as the scene fades out.)

---

SARUMAN
(spluttering)
Why...that...those...BLASTED HOBBITS!

RADAGAST (VO)
Now, Saruman!

SARUMAN
They were having hobbit-sex the whole time! Hoh, that Samwise Gamgee tried to pull the proverbial wool over my eyes with his innocent act, but all the time, I KNEW! I could see through it! See it with my flashing eyes! (starts doing flashy eye thing)

RADAGAST (VO)
What, did you see it in your palantír again?

SARUMAN
Uh. No. Definitely not.

SOPUH
Please! We mustn't bring up that filthy Balrog pornography again!

(Pause. EVERYONE stares at the SOPUH.)

SOPUH
Bollocks.

SARUMAN
(self-satisfied)
Hmph! I knew those hobbits were up to mischief! Now, I wonder how many more of my...pervy predictions...will turn out...to be...true...

RADAGAST (VO)
Well, when you stop to think about it, we all know about Aragorn and Legolas, since Aragorn pretty fairly admitted as much in our first show...

SOPUH
Radagast!

SARUMAN
Hrm. Yes. And from that sickeningly cute display those hobbits put on, I can only imagine what those other two cousins get up to...heh heh, well; we can only guess what other revelations this day will bring...

RADAGAST (VO)
(stage whisper)
Saruman, what about the guests?

SARUMAN
Right! The guests! And now for the moment you've all been waiting for, introducing for your...enjoyment, the famous twins of Imladris, Elladan and Elrohir!

(A SCINTILLATING SAXOPHONE is played as ELLADAN and ELROHIR enter, smiling and waving. They seat themselves next to the MORBID ORTHANC DESK.)

SARUMAN
So, Elladan and Elrohir, I must say, I am positively fascinated by your unique ability to both disgust and enthrall the whole of a country...

ELLADAN
Well, it actually wasn't too hard.

ELROHIR
It's true, really all we had to do was make a controversial sexual device, and there goes the neighborhood.

SARUMAN
Indeed...

ELLADAN
And really, we never would have predicted that our product would be as popular as he is...

ELROHIR
I mean, Legolas is a mighty fine piece of...elf, but regardless, we were not expecting so many orders!

SARUMAN
Ah, and how many have you sold, to date?

ELLADAN
Well, you should know, shouldn't you?

SARUMAN
What? What do you mean?

RADAGAST (VO)
Oooooooh! Saruman, do you have a Legolas Sex Slave TOO???

(Pause.)

SARUMAN
(petulantly)
Nooooooooo.

ELLADAN
Well you needn't be ashamed! Practically everyone owns one...

ELROHIR
Really, our philosophy on the whole thing is that it's perfectly healthy to explore newer aspects of one's sexuality in the safe, loving arms of a Legolas Sex Slave...

ELLADAN
I mean, now really, who wouldn't want that?

ELROHIR
I certainly don't know.

RADAGAST (VO)
Oh, this is positively delightful! But I'm afraid it's time for another commercial break. Please stay tuned!

---

(70's PORN MUSIC plays as LEGOLAS enters, all "pimped out.")
LEGOLAS: Ever wanted to shag two elves at once? Who hasn't! Well, now is your Golden Opportunity! Although I have not spent millennia perfecting my craft, it is quite easy to follow in the footsteps of the trailblazing twins who have come before me. As you might guess, my new craft is that of Sexual Devices!
(LEGOLAS claps his hands in glee.)
LEGOLAS: Now, I know which two elves really get you all hot and bothered, so, I have manufactured the perfect "Elladan & Elrohir Sex Slaves"! It's true!
(LEGOLAS reveals two life-sized ELLADAN and ELROHIR DOLLS.)
LEGOLAS: Not only are they anatomically correct and made of durable and life-like plastic, but when you touch their hands together, the do True to Life Sexual Activities! Behold this demonstration:
(LEGOLAS sets up the ELLADAN and ELROHIR DOLLS to face one another, and makes them touch hands.)
ELLADAN: (robotic) Oh, Elrohir, let me help you get into something more comfortable.
ELROHIR: (robotic) Yes, yes, undress me now.
(ELLADAN and ELROHIR DOLLS begin stripping.)
LEGOLAS: But it gets even better!
(Nude ELLADAN and ELROHIR DOLLS begin sharing A LITTLE BIT MORE THAN BROTHERLY LOVE.)
ELLADAN: (robotic) Ai gwanur, ai pen-velui, yes harder, right there.
ELROHIR: (robotic) Don't stop, you stunning hunk of familial elf.
LEGOLAS: Double your pleasure and double your fun with my patented "Elladan and Elrohir Sex Slaves", perfect for fulfilling your all your ménage a trois fantasies!
(ELLADAN and ELROHIR continue questionable ELVISH ACTIVITIES.)
LEGOLAS: Additionally, you may want to consider incorporating any and all accessories manufactured for Legolas Sex Slave in your lovemaking rituals with your Elladan and Elrohir Sex Slaves. I assure you, they will be "tarts 4 u" in no time flat!
ELLADAN and ELROHIR: (robotic orgasm noises)
LEGOLAS: Because who wouldn't want that? I certainly don't know.

---

ELLADAN and ELROHIR
Ai Ilúvatar!!! Ai Eru! Ai—

RADAGAST (VO)
(gleefully)
Ai ai! Patented twincest is come!

ELLADAN
Oh, the shame, the shame!

ELROHIR
Legolas had no right to do that to us!

ELLADAN
It's disgusting! Horribly, wretchedly disgusting!

SARUMAN
Well, if you'd allow me to...interject, I would only point out that Legolas has simply done the same thing that you did to him...

ELROHIR
(fuming)
We did nothing of the sort! Oh, the horror!

ELLADAN
What will Ada say? Oh, what will THRANDUIL say?

SARUMAN
What...if...Thranduil got his own pair of Elladan and Elrohir Sex Slaves?

ELLADAN and ELROHIR
Auuuuuuuuuuuuuughhhhhhhhh!

RADAGAST (VO)
Saruman, that is just plain icky.

ELLADAN
Oh, and even so, they don't look right at all! Elrohir, they forgot that little freckle that you have on your...

SARUMAN
Do please continue.

ELROHIR
(turning on SARUMAN)
Well, speaking of icky, we were wondering what on EARTH it was that Lurtz said to you, because it cannot possibly be worse than being made into a twincestual Sex Slave!

ELLADAN
Yeah!

RADAGAST (VO)
See??? I told you that you should tell us!

SARUMAN
(glazing over)
Morgoth's teeth...must I?

ELROHIR
Well, since we're already humiliated, why not round it all off nicely?

SARUMAN
Well let me assure you all that it is HORRIBLE. Absolutely terrible and very...SQUICKY.

ELLADAN
Yes, of course, now TELL US.

SARUMAN
It was the most scarring experience of my life! It was horrid! Oh, I cannot speak of the horrors!

ELROHIR
Can it be as bad as say, a Like a Virgin Elladan or Schoolgirl Kit Elrohir?

ELLADAN and ELROHIR
(begin sobbing dramatically in each other's arms)

RADAGAST (VO)
Oh, there, there, it can't be SO bad...

SARUMAN
(gravely)
Not...nearly...as bad...as...my experience...with......

RADAGAST (VO)
Oh, spit it out already!

SARUMAN
(sinisterly)
I am the master...of...ELLIPSIS!

ELLADAN
(irritably)
Just tell us!

SARUMAN
Fine! Fine. I'll tell you. I'll tell you the torturous tale...about...Lurtz...but you will be horrified!

RADAGAST (VO), SOPUH, ELLADAN, ELROHIR, AUDIENCE
Enough!!!

SARUMAN
One day I was brooding in my tower malevolently, when Lurtz approached me. He said, with a cunning smile... "Saruman, you have a nice staff."

(Pause. CRICKET CHIRPING can be heard.)

RADAGAST (VO)
Yes?

SARUMAN
(vehemently)
He said "Saruman, you have a nice staff"!

RADAGAST (VO), SOPUH, ELLADAN, ELROHIR, AUDIENCE
That's it???

SARUMAN
Yes!!! Now you know! You know the horrors of it all! It is...the...AWFUL TRUTH...

RADAGAST (VO)
(spluttering)
But...but what if he was just saying that he liked your wizard staff?

SARUMAN
Cease and desist Radagast! The experience haunts me!

SOPUH
Oh no!!!! We're getting word in from the network...

RADAGAST (VO)
What?

SARUMAN
Oh, the horror that it is...to be...THE WHITE WIZARD...

ELLADAN
What's going on?

ELROHIR
And why haven't we cooked anything?

RADAGAST (VO)
Oh, no, this is dreadful, simply dreadful!

SARUMAN
I know!

RADAGAST (VO)
(pertly)
Not the silly staff joke, the—

SOPUH
Stop mentioning the staff joke!

SARUMAN
And he said "Saruman, you have a nice—

RADAGAST (VO)
The show is getting cancelled, you twit!

SARUMAN
What.........?!?

SOPUH
(grimly)
The network executive just called. We've been cancelled.

(Suddenly the screen goes blank.)

Please proceed to the Epilogue.

(RADAGAST, the SOPUH, and MINIONS are scattered about the set of "Cooking (Sinisterly) with Saruman!!!" and SARUMAN is of course seated behind the MORBID ORTHANC DESK.)

SARUMAN
(sobbing)
Oh, this is terrible! One lousy staff joke and it all gets thrown out the window, down the stairs, into the hands of a nasty little Halfling!

RADAGAST
I think you're talking about your palantír, not the show.

SARUMAN
(grand sobs)
Boo hoo hoooooo!

SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI
Well, pardon us for being impertinent, but didn't you positively despise this show, Saruman?

SARUMAN
(sniffling)
No, no...I just...oh, it's all ruined! All! Ruined!

RADAGAST
Well I know this is a rough time for you, Sweetie Pie, but always remember—

SARUMAN
Oh, shut up Radagast!

RADAGAST
(beginning to cry as well)
Well, excuse me, mister! It's not as if I was the one who broke off our relationship when we first got to Middle-earth!

SARUMAN
Don't mention that!

RADAGAST
Why??? Yavanna wanted us to go together. She could tell we had potential. And you...YOU, mister, with your terrible attitude, went and ruined it all!

SOPUH
Really, I think this is more than anyone needs at this point.

SARUMAN
I just...can't believe it. After nine glorious, BEAUTIFUL shows, we just get cancelled. And not for lack of an audience, but because we're "too pervy"!

SOPUH
We hate to say we told you so, but...

SARUMAN
I mean, just look at the way our guests behaved! The network executive acted like it was all MY fault.

SOPUH
Well...to their credit you WERE rather pervy. And did it ever occur to you that you never cooked anything on any of your shows?

SARUMAN
Hrm...

RADAGAST
I suppose it's true. Let's see...there were the gingerbread wizards, the strawberry tart, the coneys and taters, the tofurkey, the mushrooms and ale, the fish, the muffins, the tossed salad, and...

SARUMAN
And?

RADAGAST
Well, you didn't even TRY to make anything on the last show...

SARUMAN
A mere technicality.

SOPUH
But for a cooking show, there wasn't a whole lot of cooking going on...

RADAGAST
Ooh, and doesn't it just fry you that Lurtz is the network executive?

SARUMAN
Never mind him! But, but he acted like it didn't matter that the hobbits were practically jumping down each other's pants, he didn't even notice how plainly everyone else was acting pervy!

RADAGAST
Just one wretched staff joke and BAM!

SARUMAN
BAM! And LURTZ was the one who said it in the first place! And then HE kicks us off our show!

RADAGAST
OUR show???

SARUMAN
(pause)
Yes. I guess it was our show after all.

RADAGAST
(lovingly)
Oh, Saruman!

SARUMAN
Please now, don't get sappy...

RADAGAST
That is the best thing you've said to me since, since...That's the best thing you've ever said to me!

(RADAGAST begins uncontrollably HUGGLING SARUMAN.)

SARUMAN
Urgh! Get off me, this isn't dignified!

RADAGAST
Oh, and I thought you didn't care after all these long years of feigned antipathy, but I am so happily wrong!

SARUMAN
That...is...not...what I meant.

RADAGAST
(grateful, tear-filled eyes)
There's no need to act like that anymore, my dear Curunír.

SARUMAN
(sighs)
Fine. I suppose you're right. But what should we do now that there is no more "Cooking (Sinisterly) with Saruman!!!"?

SOPUH
Well, being a Society of Profiteering Uruk-Hai, we thought maybe we'd try to make a new show...

SARUMAN
Oooh, really?

SOPUH
We were thinking along the lines of "Talking (Pervily) with Elladan and Elrohir!!!"

RADAGAST, SARUMAN
What???

SOPUH
Well, let's not lie; they were the attention-getters of the show...

SARUMAN
You're...abandoning...us...for those pervy elf-twins?

SOPUH
Um. Yes.

SARUMAN
(flashing eyes)
But...but...you were MY FIGHTING—

SOPUH
Uh. Yes, well. Not anymore. Toodle-oo!

(SOPUH leave. SARUMAN begins pathetically sobbing again.)

RADAGAST
Oh, never mind them...but what shall we do now?

(There is a brief pause as SARUMAN's sobs become little SNIFFLES. RADAGAST looks on sadly. Suddenly SARUMAN sits bolt upright.)

SARUMAN
Wait! I know! I know what we can do, Radagast!

RADAGAST
Oh really? What?

SARUMAN
Ho ho ho...it is brilliant! I do not know why I did not think of it sooner!

RADAGAST
Think of what?

SARUMAN
It is...perfect!

RADAGAST
What?!?

SARUMAN
(to RADAGAST)
We must go into the Sexual Device business. Simple as that.

RADAGAST
Huh?

SARUMAN
Don't you see? We can make those ridiculously bendy and cuddly hobbits into Sex Slaves, that poncy heir of Isildur into a Sex Slave, that wanky steward of Gondor into a Sex Slave, and that ever-maddening prat Gandalf the GREY into a Sex Slave!

RADAGAST
Ooooh! That is a marvelous idea!

SARUMAN
We could even make that treacherous Lurtz into a Sex Slave!

RADAGAST
Eeew!

SARUMAN
I mean...assuming anyone would want that...

RADAGAST
I certainly don't know...

SARUMAN
But at any rate...it is perfect...my perfect plan! Mwa...ha...HA!

RADAGAST
(beaming)
Oh you.

(Scene fades out as SARUMAN and RADAGAST lay out their plans for the future. Camera pans out and fades out on the now defunct set of "Cooking (Sinisterly) with Saruman!!!")

THE END


Authors Note: Many thanks to everyone who has tuned into this series. I appreciate all the great feedback I've gotten on this, and would love any more comments you may have about these final episodes. I'm v. sorry to be ending this series, as it's been a very fun thing to do, and has provided me with hours of pleasure. I hope I got around to adding everyone's favorite characters, although I know I didn't cover them all. This series started as a bizarre little attachment to an e-mail I wrote last Thanksgiving, so I've been cooking with Saruman for ten months now. Even though this show is over, I'm leaving things open for another show, or at least a few updates from time to time to see how ol' Saruman is doing. Anyway, this is a very longwinded note, so I will close by saying thank you all. I hope you have a very sinister day.