PJ: CUT!!!!
*Peter Jackson storms onto the set.*
PJ: Orlando! What the fuck do you think you are doing?!
*Orlando Bloom looks up from trying to lick his own crotch, and starts licking his hand and rubbing it over his ear*
OB: What? I'm just trying to be graceful and cat-like.
PJ: *sigh* I thought we discussed this. Although elves are supposed to move with cat-like grace, they actually are not cats. Therefore, they do NOT attempt to give themselves head. Especially not on camera, on the studios time and money! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?! AND if you ruin one more set of ears I am taking that out of your salary. And I'm cracking your skull again! Clear?
*PJ smiles benignly*
LT: Peter?!
*Liv comes running up from offset, yelling in her normal voice...not the nice one she uses in the films*
LT: Peter! I want more scenes!
PJ: Cupcake, can I ask you a question?
LT: Uh huh.
PJ: Is your daddy doing the soundtrack for this movie?
LT: Um...no...
PJ: Yeah. That's what I thought. Can I ask you another question?
LT: Um...sure.
PJ: Have you read the books? You are aware that your character isn't actually IN any of the books, are you not?
LT: Um...
PJ: And you are aware that you didn't get me that night with Joe Perry, which is the whole reason why I cast you?
LT: Um...
*Liv is on the verge of tears*
PJ: Right. So why don't you go and purchase some seasonally appropriate clothing, and let me do my job?
*Liv goes off to sulk...and, Peter hopes, to call her daddy and ask about the soundtrack again*
OB: Um...Peter?
PJ: Yes Orlando?
*Peter turns around to see Orlando frolicking about with a water pitcher, dressed in a pink tutu*
PJ: WHAT THE FU...
OB: I think it adds something, don't you, man? What Legolas was missing was balletic qualities.
PJ: I...bu...who...I...uh?
OB: No? Huh, I really thought it was a nice tough.
PJ: Who gave you that tutu? I am going to KILL the wardrobe people!
*Peter turns a special shade of red that usually comes just before a heart attack*
OB: Oh fine, I'll take it off...oh...I almost forgot. Peter? Can I have a scene with Liv?
PJ: What? Legolas and Arwen don't have a fling. You have read the books haven't you? You can read, can't you?
OB: Yes, but she's really hot, man. And I think our combined prettiness would be awesome on screen.
PJ: *sigh* Fine! You can have your little scene with Liv. Maybe then she'll get off my case about giving her more screen time.
OB: Thanks Pete!
*Orlando nances off. Enter Viggo, carrying a sheep carcass*
VM: Peter! Look what I killed! He was crafty and put up a mighty chase, but in the end, I was victorious. Who da ranger? I da ranger! Damn my stubble's manly!
PJ: Um...Viggo? You do realize that killing an animal in a pen isn't really hunting right? I mean, it couldn't get away.
*Viggo starts to pout*
PJ: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to steal your thunder.
VM: That's ok. Can I have more scenes with Liv?
*Peter starts to go that colour again.*
PJ: NO! She's not in the books! She's in more scenes than she should be! I mean really! You know what? I'm taking away one of your scenes with Liv, and replacing it with your horse! How do you like that, you hairy dirty ACTOR?
VM: Okay okay. Don't have an aneurysm! Jeez.
*Viggo creeps off, trying to be all ranger like, obviously still proud of his kill.*
Peter?
*Peter runs over to Sir Ian. If he had a tail he'd be wagging it.*
PJ: Yes Sir Ian? Is there anything you need? A foot rub? Some bottled water from the Outer Hebrides? Can I trim your toenails with my teeth?
IM: Um, Peter, I do not believe I said anything.
PJ: A fruit basket? Some New Zealand beef? Some sheep Viggo just killed?
IM: Peter?
PJ: A scene with Liv?
IM: PETER! Although I wouldn't mind that fruit basket, a scene with Liv? Are we forgetting something?
PJ: Oh yes, of course. Sorry Sir Ian. Let me make it up to you. Would you like a scene with Orlando?
IM: Well, I'm sure I could be convinced. *wink wink* But really, is all this nece...
PJ: Done! Your wish is my command. Anything else? A spa day? Someone to carry you to and from the set?
*Ian starts backing away slowly, fear evident in his eyes*
PJ: You know what, I'll just take care of everything. You just relax. Thank you for being in my movie. I love you. Byeeeee.
Peter?
PJ: Where is that voice coming from?
Up here!
*Peter looks up and sees a lidless eye wreathed in flame*
Peter? I just got some sparkly mascara from the makeup people. Do you think I could get a lid and some lashes? Please?
PJ: Did we or did we not stipulate in your contract that you were hired specifically to be a big flaming LIDLESS eye?
Yes. I suppose so. How about some Visine?
PJ: If we gave you Visine, you wouldn't be flaming! And that rather defeats the purpose doesn't it. I have dozens of flaming lidless eyes who would kill for a crack at your role. Do you want me to have to call one of them and ask them to replace the eye that USED to work for me, because that one got trampled to death?
No.
PJ: I didn't think so. Go back to your tower.
*Peter thinks for a minute*
PJ: Hey! Isn't that eye computer generated? I think I need a vacation.
*Dude who plays Lurtz comes over to Peter, who has been arguing with himself*
DwpL: Excuthe me Peter?
PJ: Huh? Yes?
DwpL: Um, I had thome thoughth about the cothtuming of the Uruk Hai. That would be a wicked name for a band by the way. And it would have a mean rhythm thection.
PJ: Oh did you?
*Peter raises an eyebrow. He is not amused.*
DwpL: Well, I've really been getting into my character, and I think that the white hand of Tharumon ith really tho thecond age, and that the Uruk Hai would be more on the cutting edge of fashion.
PJ: Are you high? What the fuck is wrong with you? I gonna have you killed in the first movie, cuz damn!
DwpL: All right! All right! Forget I thaid anything.
*Dude who plays Lurtz starts to cry like a little girl*
DwpL: One more thing. Can I have a thene with Thir Ian? I've been reading thethe thtorieth on the internet, and he themes to have a very interethting pointy hat trick.
*Peter goes deathly pale and starts shaking. Dude who plays Lurtz runs, also like a little girl, away, and runs smack into Sean Bean who is coming up to Peter for a word*
SB: Ow!
*Peter composes himself as Sean approaches*
SB: Hiya Peter. How are ya?
PJ: *through gritted teeth* What can I do for you Sean?
SB: I've been thinking Peter, and I'm too hot to die in the first movie. Couldn't we kill off one of the hobbits instead? They seem expendable. And why did I have to get chubby for this movie? I'm so much hotter usually.
PJ: You have to die in the first movie because your rehearsals for the Scottish play on London's fabulous West End are starting soon. AND YOUR CHARACTER DIES IN THE FIRST BOOK! It's not like the second movie where I just made shit up.
SB : Ok, I see your point. Can I have a scene with Liv?
PJ: Yeah fine whatever. Go away.
*Exeunt Sean, enter Sean Astin and Elijah Wood*
SA: Hey Peter. Elijah and I have something we wanna ask you.
PJ: Oh for the love of Sir Ian, what now?!
EW: Well, we were wondering if we could have scenes with Liv.
PJ: You do realize that that would destroy all the homo-erotic undertones I have put in your storyline don't you? I mean, that's like the whole reason why people in the theatre won't take their bathroom breaks when you two are on screen.
EW: Really? I thought it was because my eyes are so blue and soulful.
SA: Yeah, me too...did I say that out loud. Damn, I'm getting too much into character...ok how about we have a scene together with Liv?
EW: Yeah! That's a great idea.
PJ: Boys, I'm going to say to you what I told other Sean when he asked the same question.
SA: He wanted a scene with us and Liv?
PJ: No! I...just yeah fine whatever. Go away.
(Sean and Elijah go off to practice their homo-erotic undertones, while Cate Blanchett comes to talk to Peter.)
CB: Peter?
PJ: Yes Cate?
CB: Peter I have some concerns.
PJ: Do you now? And what would those be?
CB: Well, firstly, I'm afraid Orlando might be prettier than I am. I mean, not normally, but when he's in his wig and ears.
PJ: He is. Next?
CB: Oh. Ok. Well, I was wondering if I could have a scene with Liv.
PJ: YES! THAT IS THE BEST IDEA I'VE HEARD ALL DAY!! I'll go get the camera, and you get the whips and chains!
CB: Oh! I didn't mean THAT kind of scene! I just thought it might give my character some...
PJ: Wait! What do you mean you didn't mean THAT kind of scene? Are you kidding me? I almost wet my pants at that suggestion, and you wanted to have a chat with Miss What do you mean it's not summer?
CB: I...
PJ: Oh what the fuck! Have your scene with Liv! I'll give myself a scene with Liv! I'll give myself a scene with everybody!! I don't fucking care anymore! Why don't you all direct this freakin' epic? I HATE ACTORS!!!!!!!!!!! Except for Sir Ian. I know! I'll have a scene with him!! La la la la la la la. Chaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
*Peter does jazz hands*
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