I hate Estella Bolger. No, I hate myself because I can't hate her. I can't hate her for the selfish, shallow reason that I want to. I want to hate her because every night after today she gets to share Merry's bed, share his thoughts, his words. And she gets his love. After today, she'll be Mistress Estella Brandybuck, wife of the Master of Buckland and the only person I'll ever love.
I stand by his side as she walks up the aisle toward him and their new life, seeing him beaming at her like she's the only hobbit in the Shire and I wish, not for the first time in my life, that I had been born a lass. Then maybe Merry'd be looking at me like that, and I'd be able to love him in the open, to love him the way love's supposed to be: mutual and perfect. But I didn't even have the courage to tell him and now I know that I can't. I'll never have him or his love.
I think again how much I envy Estella. And I marvel at how I don't hate her. I can't hate her, because she doesn't know how much I yearn for his touch, for his love. How much I just want Merry. She didn't take him away from me, I know, because I never had him in the first place. If only I wasn't a coward. But I see now that my feelings wouldn't have been reciprocated. Merry was so obviously in love with Estella that it was heartbreaking to watch them in their moment of bliss. But I have to be here because I am his best friend and I can't bear to lose his friendship because it's the only part of him that I'll ever have. I'd rather die than be without Merry completely.
Estella has reached Merry now. I inwardly cringe when they smile at each other. They're so happy, how can I not be happy for them? When they said their vows inside my heart was breaking into a million different pieces, shattering for the rest of my life. I became aware that I wasn't breathing properly, that if I wasn't careful I would faint and disrupt the ceremony. I couldn't take my eyes off the couple. My mind dwelled on how happy they looked, how blissfully in love. My heart ached again.
When the Elder hobbit asked if there was anyone who had an objection to this union, Estella looked at me. What was her expression? Anger? Hate? Suspicion? A challenge? My eyes widened. Understanding. She knows. She knows that I'm in love with Merry. She knows that it's almost physical torture for me to stand here and smile and act like my heart isn't shattered and I'm never going to love anyone again. She knows and she understands. I feel a sigh escape my lips as they kiss. Sam smiled at me then.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" He grinned and I gave a feeble smile back. I'll never love again.
After the ceremony everyone was gathered together. I gave the customary speech in honor of them and when I looked at Estella, there were tears in her eyes. Her expression was clear: 'I know your pain, and I'm not angry. I know your love because we share it: love for the same hobbit', her eyes said. I felt tears welling up in my eyes and I nodded. Everyone clapped at my speech, unaware that I felt like I was dying inside. But Estella knew. And she understood that I would always love Merry. And she felt sympathy for me, because she could love him openly while I could not.
So I cannot hate Estella Brandybuck, no matter how much I want to. Because she knows I love her husband with every breath in my body and she has every right to hate me for it. But she doesn't. She doesn't hate me so I cannot hate her. And, for her sake, I won't ever tell Merry that I love him. But inside I always will.
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The Wedding by Nfinity Nite
Story notes: Warning: Angst and unrequited love.
Feedback: I would be very grateful to know your opinions, whether they are good or bad.
This is my ode to unrequited love and the effect it has on the more cowardly of us. Not that Pippin's a coward or anything. I'm also using a traditional American wedding setting, just so you know. Inspired by an obscure conversation with an NSYNC fan fiction writer. BTW: I greatly dislike NSYNC and have dubbed them henceforth: NSuck.
July, 2004
