You are troubled.
I know this, and yet you appear to have no idea. How? I always know... I have always known. You, however, seem to be content to go about your life with your concealing façade safely in place and never let anyone see your problems. Not even yourself, I should think...
I see, though. How can I not? From the moment you first arrived, you caught my eye. Not through your looks (though, admittedly, they are impressive) or even your rapier-like wit and the charm that you use to make sure that your mask never falls out of place (in public, anyway). Rather, I saw your sorrow. I saw the subtle restless melancholy lurking beneath your painstakingly polished surface, a surface you had constructed to keep said melancholy from breaking free.
But barriers, especially self-made ones, are not infinitely strong. They all break eventually, even yours. Yes, even yours. I wonder what will happen when they do...
Glorfindel stood near the edge of the roof and surveyed the stars with a bittersweet expression upon his face. So beautiful, the stars... but so cold, too. So distant...
He looked down at the Bruinen below him. It would be the last thing that he would see in this lifetime, for he had chosen to go this way, to fall. He had fallen to his death before, yes, but this time was different.
This time there would be no searing heat, no burning flames that engulfed him all the way through to his soul and charred the very air about him and turned living flesh into nothing more than dead black ash. This time there would be only the cool caress of the night against his skin, and, perhaps, the stinging nip of impact as he hit the water.
After that, Glorfindel reasoned, the shock to his body from the fall would render him unconscious and he would be aware of nothing as he drowned.
He closed his eyes and drew one last breath of the sweet, summery-scented air, and prepared to take a step forward and bring an end to it all. Suddenly –
"Glorfindel! No!"
He spun round as fast as he was able (mindful of the edge) and saw to his utmost astonishment Erestor standing there, clad in a lightweight shirt and leggings. His appearance was even more surprising than his sudden intervention – before now, Glorfindel had only seen the advisor wear robes, and heavy robes at that.
What an odd thing to be thinking about just now, he mused, before returning to the subject at hand. "Leave, Erestor. I do not wish you to witness this." He almost sounded bored.
Erestor marveled at the calm with which the seneschal spoke those words. "Do not do it, Glorfindel!" He knew that merely saying that was not likely to change Glorfindel's mind, but it would delay him for a few more seconds.
The seneschal said nothing for a bit. Erestor, seeing this as progress, took a step forward to try to better reason with him.
Glorfindel took half a step back, the back of his heel hanging over the roof's edge. "Come no closer, Erestor!"
That stopped the dark-haired Elf completely, and Glorfindel turned back around to face the river.
Quick as a flash and silent as a ghost, Erestor came up behind him and, knowing he would only get one chance at this, flung his arm about the seneschal's waist. He began dragging them both away from the edge, and Glorfindel struggled unsuccessfully – they were equally matched in strength, but Erestor had better leverage and his bare feet gave him a better grip on the roof than Glorfindel's boots did.
The blond Elf flailed his right arm, trying to break away, but Erestor pinned it with his own and slowly but steadily they made backward progress.
"Why are you doing this?" Glorfindel growled as Erestor dragged him back towards the trapdoor that led inside.
"Why are you?" Erestor countered breathlessly – Glorfindel was putting up quite a fight.
"You could not possibly understand," Glorfindel told him angrily, as Erestor pulled him through the trapdoor and began to head down the inclined ladder that served as a means of access.
Glorfindel tried to knock him away, knowing that this was his last chance at escape, but Erestor was more athletic than he had anticipated and would not be overbalanced. Indeed, he even managed to reach up and latch the trapdoor behind them while losing neither his footing nor his grip.
Once that was done, and both Elves were standing on the floor, Glorfindel again attempted to break free. Erestor let him, but quickly moved to stand in front of the locked door. He did not plan on letting the seneschal kill himself...
Glorfindel, turning towards the door and finding Erestor standing there, arms crossed, growled in frustration.
"Why could I not understand?" Erestor questioned quietly. What has you so upset? Why would you want to take your own life?
"You just... could not," Glorfindel answered hurriedly, and attempted to get around Erestor and to the door. The counselor easily blocked him at every turn. "Let – me – leave!"
"No." Erestor surveyed him almost warily. "I will not let you do it, Glorfindel!"
"It is not your choice to make!"
"Perhaps not," the counselor conceded, and then redoubled his argument, "But why would you want to make it?"
"You could not know."
"Why?" he persisted, determined not to leave until he got an answer.
Glorfindel saw this, and realized that it was futile to resist. "You are not... you have not..." Oh, how to explain his feelings? How to explain the constant crushing sensation of bleak despair that had been oppressing him ever since he had reawakened to this world? How to explain that this second life was hopeless, utterly so, and that he could no longer bear the weight of such sorrow?
There were no words to express it – there were no words, but Erestor understood, somewhat. "I have not died?" he guessed, asking in an oddly gentle tone of voice, "Is that it, Glorfindel?"
Glorfindel made no answer – he wasn't quite sure what to say.
Erestor stepped closer. "Is that why I could not understand?"
Glorfindel was persistently avoiding his gaze, arms crossed and eyes cast towards the walls, the ceiling, anything but the advisor. At length, he nodded.
Erestor sighed. Now what? He couldn't leave Glorfindel alone with his inner demons – he would probably try to kill himself again – but he didn't know how to help. After all, he hadn't died before, and neither had anyone he knew – except for Glorfindel.
"Are you sure I would not understand?" he asked, almost coaxingly. Glorfindel was silent, so Erestor continued, "Why not try to explain and see if maybe I understand it better than you think?"
"You would not," the blond Elf told him, so softly that Erestor almost did not hear.
"You cannot be certain of that," the counselor offered, and went on, "A problem shared is a problem halved, Glorfindel."
"That is not true," the other Elf replied, shaking his head. "Not in this case, anyway..."
"Why?!"
A bitter laugh escaped the blonde's lips before he could rein it in. "It is hopeless, Erestor, can you not see?"
Erestor's brows furrowed. "What is hopeless?"
"Life!" he exclaimed, turning away. He hadn't exactly meant to say that; it had just popped out of his mouth. Curiously enough, it made him feel slightly better...
'"Life, Glorfindel?!" the counselor questioned incredulously as the seneschal began to pace.
"Yes, you know, existence, survival, the continuation of this endless impossible reality! It is all doomed, just like every single one of us is! We are no more than the sum of our idealistic egos, teetering over the edge of the gaping abyss that is this world!" Out of breath, he stopped his rant and faced Erestor.
Shocked at the fact that someone could have such a bleak worldview, Erestor merely stared at him for several minutes. Finally, he asked, "How could you possibly know this?"
"I have died!" Glorfindel practically yelled, and then lowered the volume of his voice. Almost reasonably, with more than a healthy dose of bitterness, he went on, "I have died, Erestor, and I find it infinitely preferable to living."
"I do not understand." How can you think that way?!
"You do not have to," Glorfindel assured him with a small smile that was part forced, part bitter, and part reflective. "All you need to know is that I am doing this because it is what I genuinely want. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have unfinished business to attend to..." He turned back towards the ladder, hoping that the even tone of his voice had lulled Erestor into letting him go.
Erestor, however, was not so easily appeased, and Glorfindel cursed inwardly when the dark-haired counselor grabbed the back of his shirt, stopping him. "Leave me, Erestor," he stated warningly.
"I will not," Erestor informed him, using his hold on Glorfindel's shirt to make the blond Elf face him. Briefly they locked eyes, and the seneschal's steely stare was an equal match with the counselor's determined if mildly frustrated gaze. It shocked Glorfindel, certainly, and for a moment he could think of nothing to say.
Erestor raised his eyebrows, observing this, and continued, "Explain, Glorfindel. Why would you rather be dead than alive?"
"Why should I explain to you?!"
The dark-haired Elf cocked his head to the side, just a little. "Because I am not going to stop questioning you unless you do."
"Pah," Glorfindel shook his head, "I can withstand any badgering you might put me through." He even added a sneer, hoping to irritate the counselor into distraction.
"Me, perhaps," Erestor conceded serenely, arms crossed, "But what about Elrond?" He said it so lightly, so nonchalantly, that Glorfindel knew he had to have been planning it all along.
The seneschal's eyes narrowed. "You would not."
"I would." It was tempting, very tempting, to grin rather smugly as he said that, but Erestor held back, not wishing to make himself even more of an aggravation than he knew he already was.
"No," Glorfindel replied, more to convince himself than inform Erestor, "I know you. You would not."
"Think what you will," Erestor told him, "But perhaps you do not know things as well as you think you do."
They were getting off the subject, far off the subject, but that meant delayed discussion of other issues, and Glorfindel much preferred it that way. "Fine, then. You can and will inform Elrond if your interrogation of me does not succeed, and I know absolutely nothing whatsoever. Now, will you leave?!"
"No." He spoke the word almost glibly, with an ease that spoke of maybe innocence, maybe ignorance, maybe some odd Erestorish combination of both.
Glorfindel began to pace again, and his tone took a gradual turn towards pleading. "Erestor, I am asking you to please leave. I do not want to get you involved in this. Please."
The counselor's voice was remarkably soft, and his tone unbelievably low, as he watched the seneschal pace. "It is too late, Glorfindel. I am involved already."
Still pacing, Glorfindel glanced at him. "You are not. You can still leave, and, quite frankly, I would rather you did."
Erestor raised an eyebrow. "I could leave, yes, but then I would be partially responsible for your death."
Glorfindel laughed, bitterly. "You would not be! You have nothing to do with this!"
Incensed, Erestor began to follow the blonde as he paced. "I do too! I know what you are going to do, and if I fail to stop you then that makes me an accomplice!"
"I do not think of it that way," Glorfindel assured him, and sighed. Calmly, as though the counselor were a pupil and he an instructor, he went on, "Trust me, you are helping me by allowing me to do this..."
If anything, this had the opposite effect than intended and the dark-haired Elf grew agitated. "I am not allowing you to do this!" he nearly shouted. A thought occurred to him. "And why do you want to do it so badly?"
The blond Elf clammed up at that. "I have already explained it to you, Erestor."
"Not well."
A question came to Glorfindel's mind; he stopped his pacing and looked at Erestor. "Why are you so determined to find out?"
"Because I do not want you dead!"
"Too bad, Erestor! I want me dead, and it is my decision to make!"
"It may be your decision, but no matter what you do, it impacts the rest of us! Do you even realize that, Glorfindel?!"
"Of course I realize that!"
"Then why are you doing this?"
"Because, quite honestly, I do not care!" the blonde spat, gesturing angrily and turning away. The fire quickly left his tone, though, and his stress was evident when he raised his hands to his head and began massaging his temples. "I just do not care..."
"I highly doubt that," Erestor snorted, serenity dissipating. "I think it more likely that perhaps you do not want to care, but –"
"You are wrong, Erestor!" Glorfindel cut him off, exasperated. This was getting to the point where it no longer mattered to him what they were arguing about – Erestor was becoming quite irritating and Glorfindel wasn't about to concede anything to him if he could help it.
"Am I?" Erestor questioned quite calmly, curiously, even. "Really?"
"Yes!" The seneschal's voice was venomous.
"Hmmm..." Erestor began, resting his chin on his hand in a pantomime of ponderance. "If you are truly so apathetic about it then why are you getting so angry?" As before, he spoke the words softly – to a casual observer they would have seemed almost a pleasantry – but there was a heavy undercurrent of provocation.
Glorfindel glared.
Erestor glared back.
Sighing frustratedly with more than a bit of ire, Glorfindel turned away. "All right, Erestor! Fine! I give up! Is that what you want to hear?!" His words were the complete opposite of his tone, however, and Erestor was not deceived.
"No, Glorfindel, that is not what I want to hear. What I want to hear is whether or not you still intend to kill yourself and why you wanted to jump off that roof in the first place," the counselor countered edgily.
The seneschal stayed silent, and the room was noiseless for a long while.
At last, Erestor sighed, "Fine. I can see that this is going absolutely nowhere..." He trailed off, waiting to see how Glorfindel would react.
The blonde said nothing, looked blatantly away. This went on for quite some time, and gradually the tension that had been building up inside him all day lessened, and his body became aware of just how late it was. Suddenly, with such an intensity that it was surprising that his jaw remained intact, Glorfindel yawned.
Erestor took notice. "It is late," he pointed out. "Sleep would do you good... you ought to go to bed, Glorfindel..."
Irritated, the seneschal made his retort. "I will go nowhere! Do not tell me what to do!"
"Stay here then," Erestor shrugged. "It does not matter to me..." He sat down on the floor then, back against the door. "I, however, am feeling rather drowsy and I think I shall sleep... feel free to wake me if you have anything to say."
With that, he rested his head on his knees and drifted away into the dreamworld. Glorfindel, his hands resting on his hips, opened his mouth and prepared to make an angry reply, but halted when he realized that it would be wasted on someone sleeping.
He stood there, glaring and irritated for a very long time, until he realized that it was pointless to glare, because Erestor would not see it. And then he realized – Erestor was asleep. Asleep as in not entirely aware of what was going on around him. Asleep as in Glorfindel could do anything except try to go through that door and there was a great chance that it would not be noticed...
Hmmm... He walked in front of Erestor, peered into his eyes. They were unfocused, and he waved a hand in front of them, trying to provoke a reaction. Nothing. Good...
Slowly, carefully, and even more silently than normal, he headed to the ladder that served as access to the roof. He climbed one step, then two, then three. At the top he halted, and reached for the latch...
"No!" Erestor was up in an instant, standing at the base of the ladder. "Glorfindel..."
"We have already spent too much time discussing this, Erestor. Leave me be!"
Erestor, instead of protesting, merely sighed and gave Glorfindel a questioning look.
"What?" the seneschal finally asked.
The dark-haired Elf's voice was quiet, extremely so, and he sounded genuinely interested when he inquired, "Do you honestly want to do this, Glorfindel?"
"Yes." The answer was given without hesitation, but with less enthusiasm than there had previously been. Either Glorfindel was so tired that talking was a chore, or Erestor was making progress.
"Why?"
"Because there is no other way!"
"No other way to what?"
"No other way to end this... anguish..."
Erestor's brow furrowed. Something is deeply wrong here... He said nothing, however, and Glorfindel sat down on a step and began to explain.
"Do you have any idea how depressing, how totally and utterly depressing," he began in an emotion-laden whisper, "it is to give your life for what you think is a final, noble cause? Do you realize how horrible it is to think that your sacrifice, your ultimate, absolute sacrifice actually accomplished something, only to find out that it did not matter? Do you have any clue as to how meaningless that can make a person feel?"
Erestor, not sure what to say, merely shook his head.
"I am meaningless, Erestor! I died for nothing! I died for nothing and I no longer wish to live..."
Not understanding, the advisor asked, "How are you meaningless?"
"The world is dark! Again, we are threatened by an evil power so great and terrible that he was not killed the last time we vanquished him! Again, he will attempt to take over everything and kill or enslave us all! I died in a war against a Dark Lord, Erestor, and I was stupid enough to think that perhaps his defeat would mean an end to such things! My death – indeed, the deaths of everyone who fought against him – served no purpose whatsoever, and then I was brought back, for nothing!"
"You are wrong, Glorfindel." Erestor answered fervently.
"I do not see how..."
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Story notes: Warning: Mentions of suicide (NON-graphic)
Chapter notes: This takes place around 1100 Third Age.
