SARUMAN (VO): Who is "we"?
SOPUH: We're the Society of Profiteering Uruk-hai!
SARUMAN (VO): Just look at what happens when the Uruks no longer belong....to ME.)
RADAGAST (VO)
That's right ladies and gentlemen! You heard right! It's "Cooking (Sinisterly) with Saruman!!!" The wild and crazy cooking/talk show, which will hopefully become the biggest cooking/talk show in the Fourth Age.
SARUMAN (VO)
It's also...the ONLY cooking/talk show.
RADAGAST (VO)
And there's our goofy host! Everyone put your hands together for SARUMAN!
(AUDIENCE claps feebly. SARUMAN enters, in white, carrying staff. HE sits behind morbid Orthanc desk on set.)
SARUMAN
Hello. Good day. And welcome to my show "Cooking Sinisterly with Saruman!!!" (The exclamation points are part of the title; no, that was not my idea.) Today, we have a very special show for you all. I am interviewing good ol' Aragorn, current King and all, and we will be making a delightful holiday treat. (sinisterly) In my KITCHEN. Yes. MY kitchen.
RADAGAST (VO)
Well, that sounds mighty sinister, Saruman! But it's time to go to our first commercial break already.
SARUMAN
Already? But I have only given my introduc—
RADAGAST (VO)
We'll be back in a Jiffy Jingle!
SARUMAN
(mutters)
I hate it when he says that.
RANDOM ANNOUNCER TYPE: Halflings! One and all! Got hairy feet? Time to buy some Hobbit Neet! That's right, Neet is now made with a special hobbit hair dissolving component, straight from the Dead Marshes! Tired of unsightly, curly hair growing out of your feet and your toes? Try some Hobbit Neet!
AUNT LOBELIA: (Brooklyn accent) It works for me!
RADAGAST (VO)
And now, back to the show!
SARUMAN
I do not recall asking for an announcer.
RADAGAST (VO)
But you sure got one, sugar dumpling!
SARUMAN
(shudders)
Ugh. I have not...felt....so OOKY since Lurtz made sickening overtures to me....But anyway, on with the show. Please welcome my very special guest, Aragorn, son of stupid Arathorn.
(TERIBBLE HORNS are played as ARAGORN enters, and seats himself
in the rigid chair next to the morbid Orthanc desk. AUDIENCE cheers.)
SARUMAN
(looks at audience pointedly)
I did not....receive such a warm greeting....But no matter. So. Aragorn.
ARAGORN
Son of Arathorn!
SARUMAN
Or Strider? Elessar? You go by many names. TOO many, it seems to me.
ARAGORN
Well, at least my men don't refer to me as "Sharky."
SARUMAN
It is so very hard to teach the halflings the BLACK SPEECH......OF MORDOR! (Gets that "Time to Make a Sinisterly Evil Speech" look in HIS eyes.)
ARAGORN
Whoa there buddy. Mordor fell, thanks to me.
SARUMAN
So tell me about your recent wedding. To the immortal, Arwen Undómiel.
ARAGORN
Yes. That. She's a very nice girl, but for the life of her, can't cook. Isn't that dreadful? To be immortal, and never eat good food?
SARUMAN
Being Immortal means one doesn't have to eat.
ARAGORN
Wait....but Elves can starve! Wow. Well assuming you're right...you've perfected your cooking skills anyway.....
SARUMAN
I......have.
ARAGORN
That doesn't make much sense, now does it?
SARUMAN
And you get one of the most attractive she-Elves in the entire realm, and you'd rather shag Legolas?
ARAGORN
(gasps)
You knew! But...how?
SARUMAN
The palantír tells me many things.
ARAGORN
You sick freak. You were watching us, weren't you?
SARUMAN
.....er...
RADAGAST
Well folks, we'll be right back with the cooking segment. Stick around!
(70's PORN MUSIC plays. ELLADAN and ELROHIR enter, all "pimped out.")
ELLADAN: Hi there. Ever wanted to shag an elf?
ELROHIR: Who hasn't!
ELLADAN: Well now is your Golden Opportunity!
ELROHIR: We Elves are quite practiced at our crafts, spending millennia perfecting our unique vision...
ELLADAN: Our vision being Sexual Devices.
(THEY give each other high-fives.)
ELROHIR: We all know who you think is the prettiest elf out there.
ELLADAN: So, we have manufactured the perfect "Legolas Sex Slave"!
ELROHIR: That's right!
(THEY reveal a life size LEGOLAS DOLL.)
ELLADAN: Not only is he anatomically correct and made of durable and lifelike plastic...
ELROHIR: But when you squeeze his right hand, he says True to Life Sexual Things! Behold this demonstration:
(ELLADAN squeezes hand of LEGOLAS DOLL.)
LEGOLAS: (robotic) Oh baby, oh baby, yes harder, right there.
(ELROHIR squeezes hand of LEGOLAS DOLL.)
LEGOLAS: (robotic) Don't stop, you stunning hunk of Man!
ELLADAN: You can also program him to say "woman" if you so choose.
ELROHIR: In addition to that, he makes life-like orgasm sounds, and sometimes comes yelling Elvish dirty talk.
ELLADAN: And who wouldn't want to hear that?
(THEY wink.)
BOTH: Buy your "Legolas Sex Slave" today!
RADAGAST (VO)
And we're back, and ho ho! In the kitchen!
SARUMAN
I hate Radagast.
ARAGORN
So what are we making today, evil guy?
SARUMAN
GINGERBREAD WIZARDS.
ARAGORN
Great! I've always wanted to make gingerbread wiz-- hey wait a minute! Aren't they usually gingerbread MEN?
SARUMAN
Selfish, selfish mortal. I see you are a blatant racist.
ARAGORN
No, no that isn't it at all...
SARUMAN
And therefore.....I must SMITE THEE!!!!!
RADAGAST (VO)
Now really Saruman, is that necessary?
SARUMAN
Who asked you? Fine. Fine. Aragorn, get the cookie cutters.
ARAGORN
I'm not your bitch.
SARUMAN
No, you reserve that right for the Elves.
ARAGORN
Hey!
SARUMAN
Fine. I will fetch them myself. (gets wizard cookie cutters) I bought these cookie cutters at Neiman Marcus: The Underground Pantry. My good old friend Thorin the Fourth and Final wanted to make a money venture, which has turned out quite well. These dwarvish cookie cutters are entirely non-stick, and you can see that besides being wizard shaped, the cutter also comes with a wizard staff, for even more accuracy.
ARAGORN
What should I do?
SARUMAN
Cut out the dough with these cutters. (Hands ARAGORN the cutters) I prefer frosting the wizards with white frosting. So they can be Saruman the WHITE!
ARAGORN
I think you're slightly ecru.
SARUMAN
That's it. Time for me to ....torture you.....perfect you....MY FIGHTING URUK-HAI!
SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI
We resent that.
ARAGORN
Dude, Saruman. A tree totally kicked your ass.
SARUMAN
(gets that really scary look in his eyes)
ASH NAZG DURBATULŰK, ASH NAZG GIMBATUL!
RADAGAST (VO)
Oh heavens to Betsy. Not the Black Speech! Well...that's all the time we have for tonight, folks. Join us next week when we have special guest Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood, in which Saruman will be (sinisterly) cooking tarts! Join us then.
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Cooking (Sinisterly) with Saruman!!! by Calaquende
Story notes: Word of introduction: One day I started thinking about how sinister Saruman always sounds. Then I thought about how funny it would be if he was making sweet potato pies, what with the holidays and all. This ridiculous series is the result. I will be updating it with new episodes every couple of weeks, unless otherwise noted. Comments appreciated.
Another note: There is no blatant slash in these. Mostly insinuation and ads. But it is important to keep in mind that Saruman always speaks very slowly....in a v. sinister fashion. That's all. Also many thanks to Moriquende, my fabulous beta.
Chapter notes: (This is a pilot, the series will not happen unless the audience likes it, A LOT, so we can make a ridiculous amount of money off of it!
