(SOCIETY OF PROFITTEERING URUK-HAI: We have a bad feeling about this...
SARUMAN (VO): Why?
SOPUH: You barely get along with Radagast, let alone Gandalf.
SARUMAN (VO): That is not my fault. I cannot help it if they are poncy gits.
SOPUH: ...this is going to be v. bad. (THEY cower in a corner.))
RADAGAST (VO)
Hello ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Elves and Orcs, Halflings and Dwarves, Ents and—
SARUMAN (VO)
(clears throat loudly)
RADAGAST (VO)
...pissy Wizards. Welcome to the show! This is an extra special episode because of our extra special guest, Gandalf the Whi—
SARUMAN (VO)
GREY.
RADAGAST (VO)
As I was saying, we have our special guest Gandalf...and today he and Saruman will be making...ROAST GOOSE?!?
SARUMAN (VO)
Yes. ROAST GOOSE.
RADAGAST (VO)
You know how I disapprove of that. Not only is it meat—
SARUMAN (VO)
Introduce me, you idiot.
RADAGAST (VO)
Right. Well, everyone give a warm welcome to Saruman, the goose-killer.
(SARUMAN enters, glaring, and seats himself behind Morbid Orthanc desk.)
SARUMAN
I did not personally kill the goose, Radagast.
RADAGAST (VO)
Regardless, I was under the impression that you two were going to make tofurkey, and not actually kill a poor, innocent—
SARUMAN
For the last time, I did NOT kill the goose.
RADAGAST (VO)
But you're still going to eat it!
SARUMAN
Some people like the taste of meat.
RADAGAST (VO)
Decaying animal carcasses!
SOPUH
Now Radagast, could you calm down just a little?
RADAGAST (VO)
(snippy)
I AM calm.
SARUMAN
You see how very difficult he is to work with...
SOPUH
(catching on)
Oh no you don't. You don't get off that easy...
SARUMAN
Whatever are you talking about?
SOPUH
You're trying to get poor Radagast fired...
RADAGAST (VO)
(gasps)
Is that true?
SARUMAN
No...
RADAGAST (VO)
(beginning to cry)
Why do you......hate me so?
SARUMAN
I don't hate you.
RADAGAST (VO)
(dramatically)
But you do!
SOPUH
Now Saruman, apologize to Radagast.
SARUMAN
....................................I......
RADAGAST (VO)
(between sobs)
Well...it's t-t-too late. W-we have to g-g-go to commercial break...
SOPUH
Ai Ilúvatar. Wizards.
(ARWEN enters carrying a SWORD, while FIGWIT stands in the background alternatively GRINNING LIKE A FOOL or CATCHING BUTTERFLIES in a NET.)
ARWEN: Hello everyone. I am Arwen Undómiel. Today I present you with ... (whips out SWORD in a dramatic fashion) HADHAFANG, "my sword."
FIGWIT: (in background) Hyuk hyuk hyuk!
ARWEN: Be quiet Figwit. Anyway: Hadhafang. "My" sword. And when I say "my" I really mean that it isn't my sword at all. That is to say, it was really cool and all to wave it at Aragorn and the Nazgűl in the movies, but you see, this sword isn't real.
FIGWIT: But I can see it!
ARWEN: That proves nothing. You see, I like to call it "Hadhafang: the Sword I Never Had." Because it's true. Nowhere in the books do I ever wield a sword...
GLORFINDEL (VO): And you stole my scene!
ARWEN: I'm most terribly sorry. But now onto the point at hand...owning your very own sword that never existed. I still think it's an awfully fun, albeit fake sword, and I think you would think so too. So that's why you should buy "Hadhafang: the Sword I Never Had."
GLORFINDEL (VO): You see they're trying to convince you in the movies that Hadhafang is real...
ARWEN: (brightly) But it really isn't. But fake sword or not, it's awfully fun.
FIGWIT: How's it fun???
ARWEN: (cheerfully) To chop up fake elves like YOU Figwit!
(ARWEN runs after FIGWIT wielding HADHAFANG, as FIGWIT screams like a fangirl.)
GLORFINDEL (VO): So buy your very own "Hadhafang: the Sword I Never Had" today! Guaranteed or your money back!
(Scene fades with ARWEN/FIGWIT chase.)
RADAGAST (VO)
And we're back! I'm dreadfully sorry for our outburst earlier.
SARUMAN
(flashing eyes)
As...am...I.
SOPUH
Now...on with the show!
SARUMAN
Well...now onto the part that everyone is waiting for. Ahem. Allow me to present the bane of my existence, former friend and colleague Gandalf the Grey.
(GANDALF enters while a DYING OBOE plays and the AUDIENCE cheers loudly.)
GANDALF
Why, Saruman, you seem to forget that I am no longer of the grey persuasion.
SARUMAN
No. You have chosen...white. MY color.
GANDALF
We've been over this, Saruman. Once you turn evil, your color is up for grabs—
SARUMAN
Well I disagree.
GANDALF
Well at any rate, my clothes are much whiter than yours. I still say you're faintly ecru...
RADAGAST (VO)
It's true!
SARUMAN
(to RADAGAST)
Well at last I'm not the color of poo—
RADAGAST (VO)
I prefer to think that it is the color of the earth.
SARUMAN
You are such a tree-hugging hippy...
GANDALF
Well, I suppose that's his prerogative.
SARUMAN
But that's not what he's meant to do!
GANDALF
Oh Saruman, put a sock in it.
SARUMAN
(flashing eyes)
(GANDALF pulls out pouch of SHIRE-LEAF, fills PIPE, and starts smoking prodigiously.)
SARUMAN
I would not...do that...if I were you, Mithrandir.
RADAGAST (VO)
He can smoke if he wants to.
SARUMAN
But this is...MY SHOW...
RADAGAST (VO)
But you have to respect your guest!
SARUMAN
Says who?
SOPUH
(nods at SARUMAN)
SARUMAN
Fine. Well...Mithrandir...you love the weed of the Halflings...
GANDALF
(blows smoke ring at SARUMAN)
SARUMAN
And well...I was wondering why...you have such a fondness for...these "little people."
GANDALF
Well, even if you look down on them, they are very worthy people, whether you want to admit it or not.
SARUMAN
Hmph. Well I wonder that you should play with your toys of fire and smoke, while I am speaking.
GANDALF
(laughing)
You would not wonder if you used this herb yourself. You might find that smoke blown out cleared your mind of shadows within. Anyway, it gives patience to listen to error without anger.
RADAGAST (VO)
Ha ha. Where have I heard that before?
SARUMAN
Be quiet, Radagast.
RADAGAST (VO)
Well at least I'm not ambiguously colored!
SARUMAN
I am Saruman the WHITE!
GANDALF
The faintly ecru.
SARUMAN
Mithrandir!
GANDALF
(chuckles jovially)
RADAGAST (VO)
Well, sorry to break up the hilarity, folks, but it's time for us to break for commercial. Please stay tuned.
(ELLADAN and ELROHIR enter wearing "pimped out" furry coats. Cue: A variation of 70's porn music.)
ELLADAN: Hello one and all!
ELROHIR: Do you own a Legolas Sex Slave, but have a few questions about his upkeep, etc.?
ELLADAN: Well never fear, for we are here to help you out.
ELROHIR: We have pre-selected some frequently asked questions the owners of our product have...
ELLADAN: Which we will read and answer now. Ahem. "Where is the best place to use Legolas Sex Slave?"
ELROHIR: Well, that may vary, but generally anywhere within the comfort of your own home...
ELLADAN: Or a tree-house.
ELROHIR: (gives ELLADAN a Look.)
ELLADAN: What? Legolas Sex Slave enjoys being in trees!
ELROHIR: Well, at any rate, make use of him wherever you deem fit, as long as it's private. Now onto our next question: "Is it safe to incorporate food when making use of Legolas Sex Slave?"
ELLADAN: Yes, and completely recommended too. Next question: "Is it normal for Legolas Sex Slave to yell 'Give me all your hot monkey love'?"
ELROHIR: No...and for prevention of further strange sayings it is recommended that you take away your Leggy's television. Question: "Is it okay if I bring my Legolas to the beach so we can have 'sex on the beach' and I don't mean the drink?" Hmm. Weirdo.
ELLADAN: Although you can definitely use Leggy in the bath, shower, pool, or hot tub, it is NOT a good idea to bring him to the beach. If he hears the seagulls calling, he will likely develop "Sea-longing" — sometimes in the middle of intimate acts. This means he will become restless, and have a dramatically lowered libido.
ELROHIR: Yikes. So don't take him to the beach. Next question: "My Legolas Sex Slave has become something of a 'dead fish' in the sack. He doesn't make any sounds, not even when I squeeze his right hand. Am I a really bad lover, or has my Legolas Sex Slave turned into a prude?"
ELLADAN: Now this will require a bit of a demonstration.
(ELROHIR sets up a LEGOLAS DOLL in the background.)
ELLADAN: Rest assured that your Legolas Sex Slave is not, and never will be a prude. There are a few techniques you might want to employ with your Legolas Sex Slave.
ELROHIR: It may be that you are simply not stimulating your Leggy enough before diving right in...
ELLADAN: But this isn't a major problem if you incorporate a lot more foreplay into your intimate experiences.
ELROHIR: Elves love foreplay.
(THEY high-five.)
ELROHIR: If you don't know how to go about this, it's best to experiment some. First remove all of Leggy's clothes (HE strips LEGOLAS DOLL.) and do an exploration of his body in which you look for erogenous zones.
ELLADAN: Might we suggest: ears, nipples, lips, buttocks, feet, ankles and other obvious places.
ELROHIR: (nibbles on LEGOLAS DOLL'S ear.)
LEGOLAS: (robotic) Oh yes, oh yes, please more.
ELLADAN: And who wouldn't want that?
(Scene fades out along with the porn music, as ELROHIR gets frisky with LEGOLAS DOLL and ELLADAN smiles.)
RADAGAST (VO)
And once again we are back, for you delight and enjoyment! Now we join Saruman and Gandalf in the kitchen...where there are still discussing the "little people" of the Shire.
SARUMAN
Mithrandir...I wonder at your love of the Halflings.
GANDALF
And why is that?
SARUMAN
Because...I have reason to believe...that you like these hobbits in more ways than one...
GANDALF
I like hobbits in many ways...I enjoy their company, I love their lore and simple way of life...you know they may be the most honorable race in Middle-earth as far as I'm concerned.
SARUMAN
Hmm. Well then are you not also concerned with getting in their pants?
GANDALF
Curunír!
RADAGAST (VO)
Ooooh......dragging out the Elvish names!
(SARUMAN and GANDALF look toward RADAGAST, bewildered.)
RADAGAST (VO)
What?!?
SARUMAN
I am just going to ignore that...now...onto the...roast goose.
RADAGAST (VO)
You heathen.
GANDALF
Now, dear Aiwendil...
RADAGAST (VO)
Oooh! I love my Elvish name!
SARUMAN
(forcefully)
Now...onto the ROAST GOOSE.
GANDALF
Yes, how do you prepare the roast goose?
SARUMAN
I BASTE it. And put it in my oven. Yes. MY OVEN.
RADAGAST (VO)
I still don't think you should be eating goose.
SARUMAN
Well...Radagast...how would you like to know...that this goose...was
YOUR FRIEND?!?
RADAGAST (VO)
(horrified)
Oh no! You didn't, did you?
SARUMAN
Mwa......ha.........ha!
RADAGAST (VO)
(begins sobbing)
Oh you fiend!
SARUMAN
Hahaha! Radagast the Brown! Radagast the Bird-tamer! Radagast the Simple! Radagast the Fool!
GANDALF
(powerfully)
SILENCE!
(EVERYONE shuts up as GANDALF takes a slice of the GOOSE and eats it.)
GANDALF
This isn't goose at all, Radagast...it's tofurkey.
RADAGAST (VO)
(snivelly)
Oh Saruman you meanie! You tricked me!
SARUMAN
And it would have worked too...if MITHRANDIR hadn't—
GANDALF
It's very good tofurkey though.
RADAGAST (VO)
Well, I think I might try some then.
SARUMAN
NO...
RADAGAST (VO)
Isn't it just great that all of us Wizards are together again?
SARUMAN
(starts looking possessed)
The Istari...
GANDALF
Saruman...stop that...I'll start smoking again!
SARUMAN
(sullenly)
Well...anyway......not all the Wizards are back together.
RADAGAST (VO)
(catching on)
Oh right...the Blue Wizards. Huh.
GANDALF
(puzzling)
Hmm...what were their names again?
RADAGAST (VO)
You know...I don't remember.
GANDALF
Well anyway...they do not come into these tales...
SARUMAN
(vehemently)
Because they failed their mission!
GANDALF
(twinkling eyes)
Yes well...Pray refresh us, Saruman...what was our mission?
SARUMAN
I won't answer that.
RADAGAST (VO)
Oh I know! To try and destroy Sauron and the One Ring!
GANDALF
I think it bears pointing out who came the closest to fulfilling his mission...
RADAGAST (VO)
Ha ha, and it wasn't YOU, Saruman!
SARUMAN
(steam pours out ears, flashing eyes)
I hate you all.
GANDALF
Oh calm down. You want some pipe-weed?
SARUMAN
(sinisterly)
NEVER!!!
GANDALF
A simple "no thanks" would have sufficed.
RADAGAST (VO)
Hahahaha. This is TOO funny. But unfortunately, we've run out of time this week. Join us next week when we have not one, but two amazing guests: Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took! Join us then.
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Cooking (Sinisterly) with Saruman!!! by Calaquende
Chapter notes: Wizard taunting abounds as Gandalf causes trouble.
Some text is taken from Tolkien's Unfinished Tales. Apparently there is a quite a bit to know about Wizards...
