Cooking (Sinisterly) with Saruman!!! by Calaquende

Chapter notes: Yup. Still not mine. Bollocks. Song taken from "The Two Towers."
(SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI: Well, we've diverted from the fellowship this week...Unfortunately the last three members were not available this week.
SARUMAN (VO): Well they are probably busy...shagging...
SOPUH: What is with you, Saruman?
RADAGAST (VO): That's just part of his Down-Home-Charm.
SOPUH: Right...)

RADAGAST (VO)
Welcome one and all to our sixth thrilling episode of "Cooking (Sinisterly) with Saruman!!!" It's thanks to viewers like you that we get such great guests every week.

SARUMAN (VO)
(snorts contemptuously)
Great?

RADAGAST (VO)
I think all of our guests have been perfectly marvelous. I wish I could say the same of the host—

SOPUH
Don't tease him, Radagast...let's try to make it to the first commercial break without an "evil moment."

RADAGAST (VO)
Oh okay. Let's give a big round of applause for our very own evil wizard, Saruman!

(SARUMAN enters amidst AUDIENCE clapping looking cross, but sits behind morbid Orthanc desk with dignity.)

SARUMAN
Thank you. Now...today's episode...is very special because we are departing from the "fellowship." Now today we have—

(SARUMAN is cut off by a loud GOLLUM SCREAM and a terrible CRASH from offstage. GRÍMA rushes onstage, flustered.)

SARUMAN
(to GRÍMA)
What in the name of Aulë is going on?

GRÍMA
Er, nothing. Um, nothing is broken, everything is fine.

(THEY hear another CRASH and GOLLUM SCREAM.)

GRÍMA
I'll go, and um, take care of—

(GRÍMA runs offstage.)

SARUMAN
GO! ...Now, on today's show I am fortunate to interview the creature Gollum. In our cooking segment we will be making fish fillets: salmon, sole and halibut. Fish fillets...and we will cook them...on...a GRILL...

RADAGAST (VO)
That sounds like one mighty sinister grill!

SARUMAN
(to RADAGAST)
Why must you always interrupt me?

RADAGAST (VO)
(cheerful)
Now don't get ornery. It's time for a word from our sponsors. Please stay tuned.




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(Scene fades out.)




RADAGAST (VO)
(grandly)
And we're back, ready for a lively interview!

SARUMAN
(flashes an insulting look at RADAGAST)
Yes. Today we depart from the "fellowship" to get a perspective from our ambiguously hobbit-like guest, Gollum.

(GOLLUM sneaks onstage suspiciously while a TREACHEROUS TUBA plays in the background. After sneering at the AUDIENCE, GOLLUM seats himself next to the morbid Orthanc desk.)

SARUMAN
Well hello, Gollum.

GOLLUM
We wants it! Wheeeere iss it?

SARUMAN
Where is what, Gollum?

GOLLUM
(livid)
The precious! MY preciousss! They stole it from usss!

SARUMAN
Ah. I see. WHO stole it?

GOLLUM
Filthy, nasty hobbitses they are...

SARUMAN
Which hobbits? Now I know you spent a lot of time with Sam and Frodo...and I'm curious, how was it to lead them to Mordor?

GOLLUM
Nasty, tricksy hobbitses!

SARUMAN
So, not good?

GOLLUM
No precious...but nice master had the precious, so we had to help.

SARUMAN
I see. I was wondering if maybe...you might answer...a question about the "hobbitses." Tell me, did you ever witness...anything...between Frodo and Sam?

GOLLUM
We sees everything, yes precious.

SARUMAN
What did you see them do?

GOLLUM
Eat nasty elf-bread, sleep—

SARUMAN
Ah yes. And would these hobbits "cuddle" when they were asleep?

GOLLUM
We saw them cuddle, yes, but not when they were sleeping, no precious.

SARUMAN
Ah ha! So the hobbits do cuddle?

GOLLUM
Nice master often gets sick and weary...then the fat one cuddles him.

SARUMAN
And do they whisper "sweet nothings" to each other then?

GOLLUM
(recoiling)
We is not watching them then.

SARUMAN
(confused)
But...you said you see everything that goes on between them...

GOLLUM
We sees everything when we is looking.

SARUMAN
(exasperated)
Well you must have seen something!

GOLLUM
Oh yes. We sees that they are wicked...tricksy...and FALSE!

SARUMAN
But the hobbit sex...did you see any of that?

(GOLLUM suddenly becomes angry and starts HISSING. Then HE hides behind SARUMAN's chair and SHRIEKS.)

GOLLUM
(screaming)
Wheeeere is it?!? We needs it!

SARUMAN
(calling offstage)
GRÍMA!

(GRÍMA rushes onstage.)

SARUMAN
Do something! Get a ring for him!

(GRÍMA rushes offstage.)

GOLLUM
(to SARUMAN)
So YOU stole it! Nasssty, slimy wizard...

SARUMAN
I don't have your precious.

GOLLUM
(throws self on ground dramatically)
It lies! It lies!

(GRÍMA runs back onstage with a TOWEL-RACK RING.)

GRÍMA
(sing-song)
Oh Sméagol! I have something nice for you!

(GRÍMA tosses the TOWEL-RACK RING toward GOLLUM.)

GOLLUM
(looks at RING appraisingly)
Precious...is bigger than before.

SARUMAN
Well...sometimes they change sizes.

RADAGAST (VO)
Uh, yes they do!

GOLLUM
(dancing)
My PRECIOUS!

SARUMAN
(in an undertone)
I'm glad that worked...

GOLLUM
(to TOWEL-RACK RING)
Oh my precious, we is hungry, yes?

SARUMAN
We'll be eating soon, Sméagol.

GOLLUM
(writhing)
But we starves! We STARVES!

RADAGAST (VO)
Well, we'll just go to commercial break now. Stay tuned for some...fun with fish.

GOLLUM
(frolicking)
Fissssh...nice FISH!




(ELLADAN and ELROHIR enter, "pimped out." In the background baby lullabies can be heard over a 70's porn music beat.)
ELLADAN: Hello one and all, current and future owners of Legolas Sex Slave alike...
ELROHIR: We always love the generous feedback we receive from you all; with helpful questions about maintenance and proper use of our product.
ELLADAN: And lately we have been receiving many letters dealing with the same issue: whether or not Legolas Sex Slave can become pregnant.
ELROHIR: We can definitely see why one would want Elvish offspring, what with the general attractiveness of all Elves as a race...
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(ELROHIR brings forward a LEGOLAS DOLL for demonstration.)
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(ELROHIR feeds MICROCHIP to LEGOLAS DOLL.)
LEGOLAS: (robotic) Yum.
ELLADAN: After this simple installation, you will find that your Legolas Sex Slave can indeed have your babies, just like you've always dreamed!
ELROHIR: And what could be better than that?
ELLADAN: Not too much, I'm thinking.
ELROHIR: Now onto a few tips we have for using the Legolas MPreg Kit: don't expect to get pregnant on the first try.
ELLADAN: I'm sure most customers won't complain about having a try a few times.
(THEY high-five.)
ELROHIR: Indeed. Also, you will know when your Legolas Sex Slave is pregnant when he adopts the following behaviors:
ELLADAN: 1. Vomiting when presented with whipped cream and/or other tasty implements you may have incorporated into your lovemaking routine.
ELROHIR: 2. A sudden shyness about being naked because he feels fat.
ELLADAN: 3. Inexplicable cravings for strange foods such as turnips and kumquats.
ELROHIR: 4. And heightened sensitivity during use. Usually these symptoms are not terribly problematic.
ELLADAN: Also we have included a lovely flowered maternity muumuu for Legolas Sex Slave to wear when he is due.
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(LEGOLAS DOLL in background starts having CONTRACTIONS. ELLADAN descends with HOT WATER and TOWEL in hand.)
LEGOLAS: (robotic, in labor) Ow, ow, having a baby. Ow.
(ELLADAN reemerges holding a BABY LEGOLAS in his arms.)
ELROHIR: Awww, isn't he darling?
ELLADAN: So buy your Legolas MPreg Kit today!
BABY LEGOLAS: (giggles adorably)
BOTH: Awwwwww!
(Scene fades out with ELLADAN and ELOHIR fussing over BABY LEGOLAS.)




RADAGAST (VO)
We're back! And much calmer. Let's join Saruman and Gollum in the kitchen.

SARUMAN
Welcome back. Now it is time for the cooking segment of the show.

GOLLUM
(to TOWEL-RACK RING)
We is hungry, yes precious!

SARUMAN
Well Gollum, I have a special treat for you today, since I know you like seafood so much.

GOLLUM
Fish!

(SARUMAN pulls out platters of SALMON, SOLE and HALIBUT and places them on the counter.)

SARUMAN
Now then, how should we cook the fish?

RADAGAST (VO)
Oooh, with the grill!

SARUMAN
I agree.

GOLLUM
(shrieks)
The GRILL?

SARUMAN
Yes...

GOLLUM
NO!!!!!!!!!!

SARUMAN
But I've always wanted to use the grill...

RADAGAST (VO)
(to SARUMAN)
Just start with the preparation...maybe he won't notice if you use the grill...

SARUMAN
Well...Gollum...which fish is your favorite?

GOLLUM
We likes all fishes, yes. Even ooky catfishes that live in goblin caves. We likes to bite into them when they are still wriggling, precious!

SARUMAN
That...is...gross...but anyway, the fish.

GOLLUM
(desperate)
We wants it! Give it to us!

(GOLLUM jumps onto the counter and grabs a handful of FISH. It is a FILLET, so it isn't even a WHOLE FISH.)

GOLLUM
(singing/slapping FILLET forcefully on the counter)
We only wish to catch a fish!

SARUMAN
Please...no sing—

GOLLUM
(singing, still slapping FILLET)
Juicy SWEET!

SARUMAN
Gollum, now the fish does NOT need tenderizing at this point!

GOLLUM
We is only trying to make it better, yes precious!

SARUMAN
Give me that fillet!

GOLLUM
No!

(GOLLUM ravenously gobbles up the entire FILLET.)

RADAGAST (VO)
I think I'm going to be sick.

SARUMAN
For once, I agree with you.

SOPUH
Yeah, even for Uruk-hai who like to lick our bloody knives, that squicked us.

SARUMAN
Now we have no more halibut...Well, fine. You like raw fish...I guess we won't use the grill...

GOLLUM
Good! Grill ruins it. It RUINS IT!

SARUMAN
(exasperated)
Yes, that's why we aren't using it. Well, we still have salmon and sole. I was thinking we could use some sticky rice and seaweed and make sushi instead...

GOLLUM
NO!

SARUMAN
But...the fish is still raw, Gollum.

GOLLUM
So hung up on cooking wizards are...just like Masster's friend...he RUINED the rabbitses...

SARUMAN
Coneys?

RADAGAST (VO)
What?

SARUMAN
Taters?

(GOLLUM suddenly looks shocked and horrified. HE looks at the TOWEL-RACK RING with contempt.)

GOLLUM
Filthy.....nassty, LIARS! They lies to Sméagol...

SARUMAN
No...nobody lied—

GOLLUM
(screaming, throwing TOWEL-RACK RING)
THIS ISN'T THE PRECIOUSSS! Did filthy, nasty, wizard keep it all to himself? It's mine! MINE!!!

SARUMAN
Now Gollum, I do NOT have your precious...would you please just—

(GOLLUM jumps on SARUMAN viciously, trying to bite HIS neck.)

SARUMAN
AAAAAH! Get him off me!

RADAGAST (VO)
Oh dear!

SOPUH
This is disastrous...

SARUMAN
(wrestling to get GOLLUM away)
Get off me, you fool!

(GOLLUM stops attacking SARUMAN. HE grabs the remaining FISH FILLETS from the counter, and runs offstage screaming whilst devouring aforementioned FILLETS.)

SARUMAN
(disgruntled)
Let's...go back...to having the FELLOWSHIP on my show...

SOPUH
You know, that isn't a bad idea.

RADAGAST (VO)
Well thanks for tuning in again this week folks. Hopefully next week will be a bit more...orderly than this week. Yes. Well anyway, join us in one week when we interview...a MAN! That's right! Boromir of Gondor will be on. See you then!
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