(SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI: Phew. Thankfully we are back to the fellowship this week.
RADAGAST (VO): But what about the two letters...?
SOPUH: Oh nothing to worry about really. It's just that Boromir sent us two letters saying he'd love to be on our show...
RADAGAST (VO): But they were worded and signed differently!
SOPUH: Oh let's just not worry about it. On with the show!)
RADAGAST (VO)
Hello! Welcome once again to our show! Frankly, I'm amazed we've made it longer than six shows without being cancelled...
SARUMAN (VO)
What can I say? The people...love...ME...
RADAGAST (VO)
Right...
SARUMAN (VO)
People...love......ME!!!
RADAGAST (VO)
Anyway. Let's give a great big hand to our favorite debatably loveable host, Saruman!
(SARUMAN enters as always. HE sits behind the Morbid Orthanc Desk.)
SARUMAN
Welcome, one and all. I have to say that I am very glad this week that we are going back...to...the FELLOWSHIP. I always thought they were all rather poncy, but...they are infinitely better than raging maniacs...
RADAGAST (VO)
With fish obsessions!
SARUMAN
(curls lip disdainfully)
Yes. Yuck. That was...icky. Today, we return to our roots! You will recall that during our very first show...our...fledgling...show...
RADAGAST (VO)
(fondly)
Awwww.
SARUMAN
Well...let's just say we're going back to basics. No more silly gimmicks, like that Elf whinging on about oliphaunts...no more...hysterics...no more aggravating hobbits...no more arguments about the SUPERIOR way in which I cook my food...No. We are returning...to...the race......of MORTALS!
RADAGAST (VO)
(gasps)
Men???
SARUMAN
Men. Today, we feature yet another scruffy man; Boromir of Gondor, son of that batty old steward Denethor.
RADAGAST (VO)
(fans self)
Oh Boromir!!!
SARUMAN
Cease and desist, Radagast! I realize we have a virile, dirty, scruffy man on the show today, but you must refrain from drooling!
RADAGAST (VO)
Well, if you insist. Goodness. My heart is just positively racing at the prospect. But it's time to cut to commercial break. Please stick around...to see...that stunning hunk of man...
SARUMAN
Radagast! We'll be right back, folks.
(Slow fade in, obvious MOVIE PREVIEW. A RANDOM ANNOUNCER VOICE (probably ELROND) narrates in the style of a Movie Preview Voice. Cue: dramatic violins. Camera cuts to scenes described by ELROND.)
ELROND: Deep in the heart of Drúadan Forest...there dwells a Wild Man...
(GHÂN-BURI-GHÂN appears, doing typical Wild Man things: poisoning arrows, sharpening sticks, etc.)
GHÂN-BURI-GHÂN: I am great headman Ghân-Buri-Ghân! Ugh ugh ugh!
ELROND: But among the Harad...there dwelt...a great Oliphaunt.
(MÛMAKIL appears, galumphing about.)
MÛMAKIL: BRAAAAAWR!
ELROND: (grandly) In a time...where love is forsworn...we cannot help but wonder what would happen...if two such unlikely creatures...should MEET?
(Cue: Sappy 80's love ballad. GHÂN-BURI-GHÂN sees the beauteous MÛMAKIL. They run toward each other, arms, trunks open. THEY meet and embrace.)
GHÂN-BURI-GHÂN: Never in all my days of counting have I seen a creature such as you...
MÛMAKIL: (fondly) Braaaaaawww.........
GHÂN-BURI-GHÂN: I count many things, dear one; the stars, the leaves on a tree, men in the dark.
MÛMAKIL: Braaaaaaw?!?
GHÂN-BURI-GHÂN: But all those men in the dark are as nothing when I see you...my Mûmakil...
(A rather large oliphaunty EMBRACE ensues.)
ELROND: But love is challenged, as it always is!
(GHÂN-BURI-GHÂN and MÛMAKIL are torn from each other in a dramatic star-crossed-lovers montage.)
ELROND: It will force one man...one...Wild Man...to ponder the eternal question:
(Overly dramatic pan to GHÂN's face, with meaningful drumbeats in the background.)
ELROND: (gravely) "What would you do for the love of a good oliphaunt?"
(Cue: Dramatic chase scene montage following GHÂN's inimitable adventures.)
ELROND: Coming to theatres this Forelithe—
MÛMAKIL: BRAAAAAAAWRRR!
ELROND: "For the Love of an Oliphaunt." Don't miss it! (This film is not yet rated.)
(Scene fades out slowly.)
SARUMAN
Hmm. Well, we are BACK. Back for some good clean fun with scruffy men.
RADAGAST (VO)
(emits a fangirl-esque squeal)
SARUMAN
And now, for the time you've all been waiting for, introducing the one, the only, Boromir son of Denethor, future Steward of Gondor!
(An orchestra of valiant violins begins play as...BAKSHI'S BOROMIR enters. (!?!) There is general uproar in the audience. "Boromir" sits next to morbid Orthanc desk.)
RADAGAST (VO)
What the???
SOPUH
Oh no...
SARUMAN
Boromir...
BAKSHI BOROMIR
Yes. It is I. Boromir of GONDOR!
RADAGAST (VO)
You aren't Boromir!
BAKSHI BOROMIR
Ralph Bakshi thinks I'm Boromir.
RADAGAST (VO)
(spluttering)
But...but...you're wearing a helmet with HORNS! That's the most undignified thing I've ever seen! The real Boromir would never do that.
SARUMAN
Now, now, Radagast. We mustn't hurt our guest's feelings. So. Boromir...
RADAGAST (VO)
But WHY in the name of Ilúvatar is he wearing a miniskirt?
BAKSHI BOROMIR
Gondor has no pants! Gondor needs no pants!
SARUMAN
Why, I rather thought you would like Boromir in a miniskirt, Radagast.
RADAGAST (VO)
But this is NOT Boromir! This is a travesty!
AUDIENCE
Isn't that what Tolkien said?
SARUMAN, RADAGAST (VO), SOPUH, BAKSHI BOROMIR
Who?
AUDIENCE
(awkward pause)
Never mind.
RADAGAST (VO)
(to BAKSHI BOROMIR)
Well, if you aren't the real Boromir, then where is he?
(Suddenly a Majestic Horn is played offstage. The real BOROMIR runs onstage, horn, sword and shield in hand.)
RADAGAST (VO)
(swoons)
The horn of Gondor!
BOROMIR
(to BAKSHI BOROMIR)
So! You dare to pose as me? You call yourself a man of Gondor? Just look at you!
RADAGAST (VO)
He has an ugly beard!
BOROMIR
Yes! How dare you tie me up backstage???
BAKSHI BOROMIR
Saruman gave me some rope...
(EVERYONE looks pointedly at SARUMAN.)
SARUMAN
(innocently)
What?
BOROMIR
(to BAKSHI BOROMIR)
And now...get offstage! Go back to your dreadful, animated, rotoscoped world!
BAKSHI BOROMIR
I refuse!
(BOROMIR and BAKSHI BOROMIR start fighting each other with swords. GRÍMA rushes onstage trying to usher off BAKSHI BOROMIR. General uproar.)
SARUMAN
Mwa...ha......ha!
RADAGAST (VO)
Oh you. Well we'll be back momentarily, with the real Boromir. Tasty and scruffy. Stay tuned!
(A sunlit room in Imladris with two matching beds slowly fades in. ELLADAN and ELROHIR enter tentatively, without the "pimped out" fur coats. THEY still maintain the "pimped out" attitude, though. ELROHIR turns on some very quiet 70s porn music and ELLADAN sets up a LEGOLAS DOLL, wearing pink nightie in the background.)
ELROHIR: (whispering) Hi folks, this is Elladan and Elrohir back once again with another great accessory for your Legolas Sex Slave.
ELLADAN: (normal speaking volume) From the Elves who brought you—
ELROHIR: Shhh! Quietly!
ELLADAN: (whispering) Right. Well see, the reason we're in a different room this week and have to be quite is because Ada found out about...all this.
ELROHIR: And believe us, that was not a pretty picture.
ELLADAN: So now our Legolas Sex Slave business has to be strictly covert-ops.
(THEY high-five.)
ELROHIR: But don't worry faithful customers! We'll still be here providing for your every Sex Slave need!
ELLADAN: Right. Well, despite having to be hush-hush about this, we have managed to come up with a great new accessory for your Legolas Sex Slave.
ELROHIR: Introducing the Legolas "Like a Virgin" Kit!
ELLADAN: Are you tired of your Legolas Sex Slave always being so raunchy and experienced?
ELROHIR: Then you simply must try the Legolas "Like a Virgin" Kit. It's fantastic!
ELLADAN: This kit included a delightfully innocent pink baby-doll nightie, and our patented First Time microchip.
ELROHIR: The First Time microchip technology works just like the MPreg one; you simply feed it to your Legolas Sex Slave. Your Legolas will look positively demure in this nightie...and the First Time microchip will ensure that your Legolas keeps those innocent doe-like eyes...
ELLADAN: That shy, blushing bride look...
ELROHIR: Those sweet, virginal protestations...
ELLADAN: Yes! Now, time for a demonstration!
(ELROHIR brings LEGOLAS DOLL forward.)
ELROHIR: Besides looking positively adorable and inexperienced, he will have a new variety of True to Life "Like a Virgin" sayings!
(ELROHIR squeezes LEGOLAS DOLL's right hand.)
LEGOLAS: (robotic, fluttery eyes) Oh my. I've never done this before.
(ELLADAN squeezes LEGOLAS DOLL's right hand.)
LEGOLAS: (robotic) But we mustn't, darling! We must wait for the wedding night!
(ELROHIR squeezes LEGOLAS DOLL's right hand.)
LEGOLAS: I am an innocent Wood Elf!
ELLADAN: (boisterously) And who wouldn't want that?
ELROHIR: I certainly don't—
(Suddenly someone is POUNDING on the door. ELROND starts shouting behind the TWIN's door.)
ELROND: (enraged) What's going on in there? Is that...porn music I hear?!?
ELLADAN: No Ada! No...it's......it's nothing!
ELROHIR: Nothing, we're just....
ELROND: Are you selling those preposterous sex slaves still?
ELLADAN and ELROHIR: (petulantly) No.
ELROND: You better not be!
(ELROND stomps off somewhere.)
ELROHIR: Ai Ilúvatar, that was close.
ELLADAN: (whispering) I think Ada is just mad because Glorfindel bought a Legolas Sex Slave...
ELROHIR: (back to camera) Anyway, you should invest in a "Like a Virgin" Kit.
(ELROHIR squeezes LEGOLAS DOLL's right hand again.)
LEGOLAS: (robotic, very loud) I AM AN INNOCENT WOOD ELF! I AM AN INNOCENT WOOD ELF! I AM AN INNOCENT WOOD ELF!
ELLADAN: Oh no! Shut him up, shut him up!
(ELLADAN and ELROHIR frantically poke and prod LEGOLAS DOLL, trying to make it shut up. ELLADAN tries shoving an extra nightie in LEGOLAS DOLL's mouth; it does not work.)
LEGOLAS: I AM AN INNOCENT WOOD ELF! I AM AN INNOCENT WOOD ELF!
ELROHIR: It isn't working!
(There is ANGRY STOMPING outside the room, and then ELROND starts pounding on the door.)
ELROND: Let me in! You're selling those sex slaves again!
LEGOLAS: I AM AN INNOCENT WOOD ELF!
ELLADAN and ELROHIR: No Ada! It isn't what you think! Don't come in!!!
ELROND: (fuming) First I had to take away those foolish furry coats...
LEGOLAS: I AM AN INNOCENT WOOD ELF!
ELROND: Thranduil will NOT be happy...Let me in! Two elf princes...it's shameful!
LEGOLAS: I AM AN INNOCENT WOOD ELF! I AM AN INNOCENT WOOD ELF!
(Chaos ensues as ELROND breaks through the door and ELLADAN and ELROHIR frantically try to hide the screaming LEGOLAS DOLL under a bed. LEGOLAS DOLL continues screaming "I AM AN INNOCENT WOOD ELF" as the scene fades out.)
RADAGAST (VO)
You know, we should really thing about getting those twins to come to the show...
SARUMAN
Yes! Thranduil and Elrond must be positively seething...
RADAGAST (VO)
Anyway, we're back! And luckily with the help of hunky Boromir, we got rid of that dreadful imposter. No thanks to you Saruman! You'll get us cancelled if you keep doing that!
SARUMAN
Balderdash...now. It is time...to cook!
BOROMIR
Sinisterly?
SARUMAN
With...me. Yes. Well it just so happens we have enough time to make a delightful treat: blueberry muffins!
BOROMIR
Muffins?
SARUMAN
What's wrong with muffins?
BOROMIR
Nothing...well...I was hoping to make something a little more manly.
(RADAGAST swoons.)
SARUMAN
(shoots RADAGAST a Look, then returns to BOROMIR)
Muffins...aren't......manly?
BOROMIR
No. Not at all.
SARUMAN
(sinisterly)
Not even...banana muffins???
BOROMIR
Is that some kind of Prison Lingo?
SARUMAN
Well let's find out. Pass me the muffin tin, Boromir.
BOROMIR
(passing muffin tin)
This is dumb.
SARUMAN
(enraged)
What? My cooking is art! Pure unadulterated art! You dare to call my art "dumb"? My muffins are NOT dumb! Oh just you wait and see. Once you try my muffins, you won't be able to resist...
RADAGAST (VO)
Is that some sort of come-on?
BOROMIR
(boldly)
Gondor has no muffins! Gondor needs no muffins!
SARUMAN
No wonder you were always the odd one out...in the fellowship...
BOROMIR
What are you talking about?
SARUMAN
Does "blow the horn of Gondor" ring any bells?
BOROMIR
What??? Nobody blows the horn of Gondor except me.
SARUMAN
See Radagast? I told you he was a "loner."
RADAGAST (VO)
Oh stop it, you!
SARUMAN
I...am...evil!
BOROMIR
You're smarmy. I'm leaving.
(BOROMIR walks offstage.)
RADAGAST (VO)
Wait! Come back Boromir! Come back!
SOPUH
The network will have a field day with this...
SARUMAN
Mwahahahahaha!
RADAGAST (VO)
Damn. Well...join us next week. We'll be having a delightful secret surprise (poetic) guest! Hopefully Saruman won't ruin that show too...See you then!
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Cooking (Sinisterly) with Saruman!!! by Calaquende
Chapter notes: It's the battle of the Boromirs! And also, muffins aren't manly.
I do not own any of these characters, nor to I make any profit from them, unlike the Society of Profiteering Uruk-Hai. Which is sort of too bad; I need money, but I doubt anyone would pay me for this. Furthermore, I do not own Ralph Bakshi's version of Boromir. Why did people pay him for that? That is no good.
Thanks to Estelendur for the comment on Bakshi Boromir; I incorporated it in this.
