Drug: Junkie by Alexa Bond

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Story notes: For Carmen because she's a great beta and friend and asked for this. Hope you enjoy!
Thanks so much to Carmen for amazing beta, support and encouragement. You're a true angel, lovely *hugz*
Chapter notes: Set during the filming of LOTR.
You tell me to stay away from him, that it's no good, this isn't right but, my dear friend, you don't understand. I'm not even sure I understand it. Yes he hurts me, yes, he burns me... but I let him. I don't want to admit it, I don't want to think about it... but I always let him do it. I let him use me, bruise me... do anything he wishes to me. It's his game and his rules... and I don't understand it so how can I explain it to you, Vig?

You want to know why I do this? Strange, you seem so sad when you ask me that. Why? I never answer because I don't know what to say.

There's the obvious reason... just take one look at him and that should be answer enough. More than half the crew is in love with Orli, in love with his beauty, his grace, his freedom, his humor... his spirit. I haven't found anyone who doesn't find him beautiful, doesn't feel drawn to him in some way or another... no matter what their age or sex. There's just something... something about Orli. I don't know what it is... but I do know that Orli is good at playing on it.

A man can get lost in his deep brown eyes and I've done just that. Falling, I've lost all sense of self.

In the daytime I hate myself for that, for being so weak, for being such a... a bloody junkie for him. If I don't see him during the day I fear I might go mad. When I see him with others it cuts my heart to pieces. If he doesn't come to me at night I find hot tears of humiliation and need burn my cheeks.

It's more than a fleeting thing; it's so much more than that - for me. He warns me that when he leaves, and he do love to remind that he <em>will</em> leave soon, I won't be able to forget... he'll remain my cursed phantom forever. The strange thing is that I'm sure he doesn't say that to hurt me, but is simply stating a fact. It's like when he comments on his own beauty... it's not arrogance when he says everyone loves him and finds him beautiful... it's the truth.

I try not to think too much about what I'm doing here. Because, if I do, I won't like where I'm going. Deep in the back of my mind I know this is destroying me, I know that I'm caught in a river of emotions which threatens to drown me but I can't stop... I can't. I spent my days hoping, longing for him to be with me. I spent my nights with him or alone, wishing I was with him. Every cut he brings me wounds and pains me, drives me further down. Cut and bruised, I do what I have always does when my world crashes down on me; I drink myself so drunk I wouldn't even be able to recognize my own mother.

Then you'll be there, Vig... helping me home, talking to me... trying to pick up the pieces of my life. But you can't help me now. No one can. My whole bloody life is a mess! I can't control it... I can't do anything.

Everything's collapsing in on me and I feel like I'm drowning.

If you asked me if I love Orli I'll say 'yes' in a heartbeat. I know you'll tell me that love isn't like this. My dear friend, this <em>is</em> love. Love is hurt and pain and guilt... I've never had a love that was any different. They all leave me in the end. They say pretty things and promise forever and then they leave me. Three wives I've had and they all left me. That should say somethin', shouldn't it? No, this is better.

Orli says no pretty words, promises me nothing... he's honest that way. He runs this show and why not? They ran the show anyway only they made me think I was in control but I never was. Now I know for a fact I'm not in control... I know I'm not loved, I bloody well know it already! Yes, it hurts... a lot but at least that's honest. There are no false promises and no false hopes. He will leave me... and I will be broken by it. I know I need him so much more than he ever does me. My heart, my love... my body... all his to play with and he does... and it hurts and it cuts me deeply but at least he's honest about it. They just played me in the shadows. You don't understand, Vig. Your world is a magical and calm place. You're so filled with spirituality and life. You wouldn't understand how it feels to be this confused and broken. Your love is clean and pure... mine have never been like that. This is the love I've always gotten... this is the only love I've ever known. And deep inside me I think... it's the only kind of love I deserve.

Your words are sweet to taste but I can't believe them. I'm not worth anything better than this. This is my love... my addiction. My hurt... always mine and never theirs. That's the way it is... always has been. I'm a junkie, Vig... I know I am. I keep looking for love but find only hurt instead. I begin to wonder, begin to think... that somehow I must have earned this much pain... I must have done something wrong to not deserve better than this.

I'm a junkie for his love, a fool needing a drug. I know he's my addiction, I know he doesn't care. What can I do? My mind is in chaos and my heart is in pain. I don't know where to turn. All I know is that everyone I love hurts me, uses me and leaves me. All I know is that he will do the same... but maybe... I feel that maybe... somehow... this is the only kind of love I've earned. Maybe this is all there is for me... a love so hot it burns, a heart so broken it falls to pieces... and a life missing something to cling to... something which refuses to be found.

Just another lost soul, another junkie on the road of life never finding what he's looking for. That's all... my friend... that's all. There is nothing more... not for me... never for me.


The End
Chapter end notes: Disclaimer: This never happened unless I have psychic powers and can change the past, present and future. Any likeness to real characters is all in your mind, nothing more. This is fiction, made up, never happened, not real... you want that in other languages as well? *LOL*
I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money off it. Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.
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