FIC: Title: "Haldir's House of Beauty " Author: Lavingaround Rating: 'NC-17 ' Pairing: Humor Haldir/Aragorn Author's Note: Archive Lists OK, libraryofmoria.com, ff.net, OK. Others: yes you may , OK. Setting: A Beauty Shop in Lothlorien. Disclaimer: Characters are not mine and this story is just for fun and not to be used for commercial purposes. Setup and Add Notes: Just for Fun. Hurt/Comfort I make no apology, I went to TTT again and felt strongly that the Ranger was looking too grubby and needed it. Lunacy. I took liberties. Inspired by an 'Elven Hair' discussion with friends. Summary: Humor/Parody Hurt/Comfort Legolas isn't who Aragorn hoped he was. Aragorn is hurt and upset. Haldir understands and lends Aragorn a hand; literally. "Oh" it was so awful," Aragorn sobbed. "He was so coarse and rough and nothing at all like I'd imagined." Haldir vigorously back-combed the leaves and bits of twig from Aragorn's hair. "Sweetie nothing ever turns out the way you expect...you know that. Some elves are just different from others that's all. Just goes to show that you can never judge a book by its cover. Thank goodness at least he didn't physically hurt you." "He just flattered me so he could be nasty." He wailed. "I thought he really cared about me." "Oh honey, really" Haldir intoned. "You're not an easy man to impress Aragorn. Maybe he was just trying to make an impression and he went too far." "Like I believe that" he sniffled "If he really wanted to impress me he could have been more gentle...or brought me flowers or something." Haldir didn't respond right away. He gave Aragorn a minute to re-think that asinine comment. Right, sure, like Legolas Greenleaf would give anyone flowers. He thought of a catty reply but he bit his tongue. No use rubbing salt into a sore. "My goodness Aragorn but you are a mess." He placed his comb on the counter and picked up a large brush. Vigorously he applied it to the Ranger's clothes, sending gouts of dust into the air and assorted forest crap all over the floor. "If I'm going to do this right... I need you out of those clothes." Haldir stopped brushing and wheeled the beauty chair around to stare at Aragorn. Dramatically he placed his hands on his hips. "Right Now...and down to your underwear. I am going to clean your clothes and wash your hair." He paused. Tapping his index finger on his lips, he smiled and said "and maybe a bath and a nice invigorating scrub." "Haldir, I am not in the mood, and besides it won't help me to feel any better...Oh Legolas how could you?," Aragorn broke down again into sobs. "Baby that's just nonsense. Everyone feels better after they get a little cleaned and pampered," Haldir quipped. "and honey, you need it badly." He reached under his arms and pulled the smelly and bedraggled Ranger out of the chair and to his feet. Aragorn raised his head to look tentatively at Haldir. "I am sorry. Oh I am such a mess." His tear streaked face looked pleadingly into the elf's eyes. "I know I'm stinky and dirty and I need it." "You certainly do" Haldir said and began to strip off Aragorn's clothes. "And stop fussing. He's not worth it." Aragorn simply raised his arms and let Haldir finish stripping him till his tattered clothing lay in a pile on the beauty shop floor. His clothes were complete rags. They looked as if they had gone through a shredder. "That boy is an animal! He's savage and he's brutal!...I tried to tell you Aragorn. Just look what he's done to your clothes." Haldir's eyes lowered to look at Aragorn's underwear. The Ranger was still wearing them. "There is really no point in keeping those" Haldir said as he grabbed the man's undies and ripped them from his body in one quick motion. "There now, that's better." He held them to his nose and sniffed them once. "Boy these are really bad" He voiced softly and then tossed them backward over his head. Aragorn gasped at his sudden exposure and backed up a step. "Haldir" he stammered. "Stop sniffing my underwear!" "Oh relax Ranger-Man...I am not Legolas" Haldir soothed. "Come on to the tub sweetie and we'll get you clean and you can tell me all about it....What that brat did to you." Gently he reached to clasp Aragorn's hand in his own. The Ranger's feet shuffled slowly toward the large tub. Once there, Haldir turned on the taps and felt for the water temperature. He adjusted it, and then gently lowered Aragorn into the tub while it continued to fill. "I'll be right back sugar so just relax." He moistened a washcloth in the warm water and lay it softly across the Ranger's shoulder's. Haldir moved to the front of his shop. 'Haldir's House of Beauty' was the most prestigious shop in all of Lothlorien. It was where all the pretty and important elves had their hair done. Ransacking a large cabinet near the front door he found the items he needed: Shampoo.... 'Scraggy No More' Skin Scrub.... 'Skin Like An Elf' Lotion....And just in case.... 'Light of Earendil's Star' Premium Anal Lube. "That's such a pretty phial they put that lube in" Haldir spoke quietly to himself addressing no one in particular. He put the lube in his pocket. "Hmm..maybe I'd better lock the front door," he said . Pensively he chewed his lower lip and turned so he could secure the lock. "Oops" he said softly as he saw a figure reflected in the opaque glass of the door. "Poop" He blurted. He opened the door quietly, just a crack, and peered out........There was Celeborn. "What do you want?" Haldir asked. "I need a re-braid and my hair lightened. How come you're closed?" Celeborn said; squirming and trying to catch a peek inside. "Make an appointment, .I am busy" Haldir toned. Seeing that Celeborn was not moving, he reiterated "I mean it Celeborn come back later this afternoon. I'm very busy." "Who have you got in there?" Celeborn queried. "I can't get into it now...I mean it...Come back later...." "What are you up to Haldir?" Celeborn arched an eyebrow. "Look Celeborn, please," Haldir pleaded. "Do you want me to call Galadriel and tell her where you were last week?" Celeborn stiffened acknowledging the implied threat. "Ok, No need to get testy...... I'll be back." He turned and left. "Well that worked" Haldir chimed, locking the door behind him. "Galadriel would never understand that man's frequent trips to the Shire." He smirked and gathered up his pile of grooming products. Quickly he made his way back to the tub and Aragorn. "How are we doing honey?" Haldir queried as he set the items down on a small table near the tub. He turned off the tub faucets. "I want to ask you a question and I mean really seriously Haldir. so don't lie to me. What has Legolas said to you about me?" Aragorn asked, still dabbing tears from his eyes with a washcloth. "Did he ever tell you that he loved me?" "Sweet Sugar Buns, never" Haldir said as he picked up another washcloth. Grabbing a bar of soap he began lathering Aragorn's muscular back. with it. "Use the soap Aragorn, plenty of it, here's another bar" He handed him another bar of soap. Aragorn began to soap up his chest, groin, and legs. "Tell me all about it baby. Start at the beginning." Haldir placed a good sized amount of Shampoo from the bottle into his hand. Wetting Aragorn's hair , he began shampooing the Ranger. "Well, he asked me to come out to the glade near Lothlorien....you know the one Haldir....the one with all those purple and blue flowers....with the little stream..... and those cool and large shady rocks....and all that soft moss." "I'm not sure of the exact one, but it's not that crucial honey.....go on." He continued washing his hair. "Well he looked at me kind of like you know....I mean I saw it in his eyes and then I kind of reached up and grabbed Arwen's neck thingy....Oh no I think I lost it in the Glade....I was wearing it....I always wear it you know, it's so pretty....and I guess I kind of gasped. I mean out loud.... so that he could hear.." "Lean back sweetie, and push your bare ass down toward the end of the tub and lean your neck back. Way back Aragorn. Oh and sweetie close your eyes, I need to rinse your hair." Gently he held the Ranger's back while he rinsed his hair with a small cup he kept by the tub for this exact purpose. "Keep them closed, Aragon ." Haldir rinsed him again. Pushing him gently back to a more sitting position he said "and then what happened?" "He smiled at me.... and kind of moved close to me ....and brushed up against me ....you know how he does....with his crotch....and like I knew that this was it. I mean he would touch me and kiss me all the time and just get me so worked up. "He was always grabbing my hand and putting it on his butt. I mean we were always both still clothed and stuff." Aragorn sniffled. "So he flirted with you Aragorn. ...All the way here. ...All the way from Rivendell. Legolas is a nasty prick-tease sweetie.... I told you he was....and so then you went with him....out to the glade?" "Yes"... Aragorn's lower chin quivered as he once more looked on the verge of crying. Haldir grabbed the tube of 'Scraggy No More Skin Scrub', removed the cap and squeezed a very generous amount on the Ranger's shoulders'. Moving around he placed an equally generous amount on the rangers' chest. Picking up a washcloth he began to firmly scrub his shoulders. "Sweetie I have wanted to get you into my tub for years." He smiled broadly and wiped Aragorn's chin and mouth with the warm washcloth. He moved down gently to the 'scrub' on his chest and began to wash and massage his muscular pecs. "Anyway, so we went down to the glade and just sat by the water...and then I just moved my head and I was resting it on Legolas' stomach and he had taken off his shirt and....he was stroking my hair and then he just pushed my face hard into his crotch." " Just like that!" Haldir cried, still scrubbing the ranger. " I like tried to reach to touch him and he slapped my hand away and then he stood up and took his pants off." Aragorn recalled. "He had a hard-on and he was stroking it and saying 'You want this human..don't you." "No kidding" Haldir said. "Yes,...... and then he was like stroking himself ....and he told me to lie down....but not to take off my clothes. So I just lay back on the moss ....but he kept slapping at me....and tearing at my clothes with his hands and fingernails.....and he wouldn't let me touch myself....or him ...and I was supposed to only watch him beat off ....and not to touch him. ....Or myself. Can you believe that?'" "Oh honey how awful." Haldir croaked. He moved the washcloth lower to wash Aragorn's stomach and the tops of his thighs. Aragorn tensed a little then relaxed. "That feels nice Haldir." The Ranger said. His dick reacted a little to Haldir's soothing touch. Quickly he moved his hands to conceal his partial erection. "So he knelt down and like started rubbing his elfhood on me ....While he was jacking himself off and finally I just lay there ....And I quit trying to touch him ....or anything...." "Because'......Aragorn's voice quavered with emotion,.....'He would just slap me..... And then suddenly, he just ejaculated all over my face ....And my neck ....And my neck chain was sticky ....and it was in my eyes." He began stifling sobs. "Then he just stood up and said 'filthy human scum' ....and like gave me this pathetic look and stuff....and I was crying....but he didn't care....he just got dressed and walked away... and I was screaming--- 'LEGOLAS DON'T GO...GIVE ME A CHANCE!' Aragorn broke into open sobs again. "He is so beautiful and I just don't care, anymore." "Snap out of it, baby,' Haldir said. 'One day you are going to be the king of Gondor. Where will he be? In time all memory of Legolas Greenleaf will fade away. You'll be a King and that nasty mean elf will be peddling his ass for Lembas in Rivendell." Aragorn smiled wanly and looked into Haldir's face. "I don't know why I didn't stay with you...here...I mean...." His voice trailed off. "Look, that was a long time ago, and you weren't ready for a commitment yet.....I couldn't even honey....I know I know...you weren't young but you were still so naïve and so innocent." Haldir said. "Not my style." He washed gently on the Ranger's long muscular legs. "You're still an innocent in a lot of ways Aragorn." "I would never let anyone do that to me but someone I really loved and trusted....besides.... there's soft tissue down there" Aragorn's voice trailed off. "I didn't say 'virginal', I said 'innocent'. Haldir said. 'It's just that kind of comment that makes my point sweetie." Reaching down he pulled the plug on the tub's drain. The water looked like mud. "Stand-up now and let me put some lotion on you while you're still wet." Haldir smiled and reached for his bottle of 'Skin Like An Elf'. Aragorn rose from the tub, his body dripping with water, and turned to face Haldir. "You have always been such a good friend to me Haldir." He opened the top spout and spurted gobs of lotion all over Aragon's back, chest, and ass. 'Such a beautiful ass.' Haldir thought to himself. Gently he slid his soft elven hands over Aragorn's muscled and richly tanned frame. "You spend so much time outdoors and you're so much darker then me Aragorn. You look so nice. Just look at the difference." He laid his forearm across and in contrast to the Ranger's brown stomach. Haldir's pale fingers dangled down to lightly brush and tickle against Aragon's genitals. "Put some lotion on my cock Haldir......there is skin on it too," The Ranger moaned and pushed his sex against the elf's arm. "I want you to, touch me, Haldir.... Stop the bullshit and do it. I know that you want it as badly as I do." Aragorn's eyes smoldered into Haldir's. "Please Haldir." Haldir hesitated for one tiny instant. He then slathered lotion from Aragorn's chest and ass around and down onto Aragorn's stomach. Using his nimble hands, Haldir stroked Aragorn.. Aragorn moaned and spread his legs wider offering up the area under his cock to the elf's silken touch. Haldir increased his stroke on the Ranger and moved his other hand to caress underneath. He thought about the lubricant in his pocket. No he was not going to go that far. Even though he was sure Aragorn would be willing. Not yet, not with his Aragorn, so masculine and sweet. He would save that for another time....A better moment that may or may not come...in the future. 'It is always nice to have something to look forward to.' Haldir thought. "Oh Haldir," Aragorn said as he pumped his hips forward rhythmically. Haldir increased his hand pressure a bit and watched as the Ranger contracted slightly. Quickly, Haldir parted his lips and he moved to take Aragorn swiftly into his mouth...He sucked deeply and ran his tongue expertly along the underside of his manhood. Aragorn reflexively grabbed the back of the elf's head and pounded his hips and organ into him. "Oh Haldir," he moaned as a moment later he gushed out his sex-juice......deeply into the warm, moist, and friendly cavern of Haldir's mouth. Afterward, using the warm wet-washcloth from the tub, Haldir cleaned the Ranger. Standing up, Haldir moved quietly to a small cabinet where he retrieved a magnificent robe of elven make and design. Bright white and gleaming with wondrous elven words of love all spelled out in rich silver letters. Moving back to the tub he held it out so Aragorn could put his arms into it. Aragorn stepped out of the tub and put on the robe. "Thank you Haldir," The Ranger began. "Do not speak Aragorn please," Haldir intoned. "Just listen, A long time ago a beautiful elven king gave me this robe, as a loving gift, in much the same way that I give it to you now. I was naïve, not young, but an innocent to the ways of elves and men, sexually I mean. I played and pranced and always wanted their attention and their desires. I was a willful and vain elf. None would pay me any real mind. My forays into love left me feeling used, taken for granted, or ignored out-right. Blindly I looked for love in other eyes when it was right in front of me all the time. One night I found myself crying and in his arms Aragorn. I don't know how it happened, it just did. It was awkward. His people did not understand. This willful young elf, dancing with their king at royal balls and gala affairs. Riding in coaches drawn by horses. They wanted a queen as companion to their great king." "But instead they got me, simple and plain Haldir." "Haldir you are so full of baloney' , you just made that up!" Aragorn smiled. "So what, it sounded nice didn't it", Haldir snickered holding a hand over his mouth. "You are such a drama queen! Please get over yourself! You wish all that stuff happened to you" Aragorn said. "Maybe I do. But then again maybe it did happen, but what I'm trying to say is'..... Haldir laughed, ...'and please Aragorn, stand on the mat sweetie. Your getting water all over my floor." "Ok...Ok,' Aragorn said as he moved to stand on the mat, 'Where did you get this terrific robe?" "What I am trying to tell you Aragorn,' Haldir stopped and raised his hand to tenderly touch Aragorn's face,.....'Is that for some romantic dreamers, love is a far off notion. A bonding with a stranger that exists only in tomorrow. Projected into a future somewhere, unrealized and distant. Always measured against an impossible ideal and tempered by impossible hope. Flavored by unrealistic demands and expectations." "I have found that romantic love truly exists where it is noticed least, right in front of them, in the friendships of those that they hold dear." Haldir paused and looked at Aragorn. He waited a moment to give it time to sink in. Aragorn's face betrayed no trace of understanding. Feeling a bit foolish, Haldir broke the awkward silence. "That Robe...Oh isn't it gorgeous! It's an old one from Celeborn, he gives me all the old ones for the shop.' Haldir smiled. 'Feeling better Aragorn?" "Yes Haldir I feel a whole lot better now, but I'm a bit anxious about the fact that I lost that necklace thing that Arwen gave me. It's one of a kind she said and some kind of special piece of jewelry. I must have lost it at the glade. I guess I will have to go back and look for it. How am I going to explain losing it to her?" Aragorn fretted aloud to Haldir. "Oh that is easy,' Haldir said, reaching into a drawer at one of the beauty stations. He pulled the exact same necklace out and tossed it to Aragorn. Amazed Aragorn turned it over and over in his hands. "How did you get this, ........it's not the same one?" Aragorn stammered. "No honey, it's not the same one......It was given to me in exchange for a beard-weave. It came from Gimli, sweetie." " Sit down Aragorn and take this box of tissue. I may as well tell you a little more about Arwen and her necklaces." ***END*** Alternate Titles I considered for this story: 'Take Me Away Haldir', 'Maybe she's born with it, Maybe it's Haldir' and 'Cream Rinse and Spit'. lavingaround.