Title: Single-handedly Part One of Three: Sniper on the Roof!! Author: Satan's Little Helper, satanslittlejedi@yahoo.com Pairing: Aragorn/Haldir Rating: R Summary: Set in Rivendell, Estel/Aragorn/LSR/Strider/ Poofy Dumpling Pants is..16, thereabouts? Dumpling Pants gets his first hand job, Elladan and Elrohir act like Fred and George Weasley, Elrond gives the sex lecture, and Haldir suffers a fate worse than death: po-tay-toes. Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings. Hey, what if whoever DID own it was writing a fanfiction? Would they still have to do this? Probably. Warning (only if necessary): none, except to say that it's odd. Good, funny, pervy odd, but odd. Author's Note: Dedicated to food fight participants everywhere, and slightly inspired by Castle Anthrax of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. "Can't I have just a bit of peril?" "No, it's too perilous!" "I bet you're gay!!" And yes, Poofy Dumpling Pants. Why the hell not? ***** "Beat that” Estel taunted succinctly, even as Haldir shot an arrow cleanly into the exact middle of the target. Estel swore somewhat uncharacteristically and was rewarded with a smack on the behind. "Damn horny elves." "With perfect aim. Never forget the perfect aim." Haldir smirked. "I could beat your...*unique* interpretation of archery with one hand bound behind my back." He said, with a somewhat deranged and sick glee. "And how would that work, exactly?" "You would be surprised." Haldir said loftily. "That I doubt, Haldir, considering the obsession the whole elvish race has with archery." "Only because we're so-" "Delicious." finished Estel, as they both were caught up by something sweeter than mirth and stronger than victory -- the aromas of dinnertime. "We'll settle this later." Haldir said to Estel, who was as good as gone. "Are you sure you don't wish to forfeit?" he called over his shoulder, "I'll let you keep your honor!" Haldir raised his eyebrows. "Oh, a *challenge*, is it?" He smirked again, "We'll make an elf of you yet!" 'I hope not!' thought Estel. ** Supper was all that Estel had fantasized, and it granted the long table of elves freedom from the deeply philosophical thoughts that Estel found them FAR too fond of. He sat gladly next to Haldir and thought of his food with great affection. It was all he needed, really, lots and lots of hot food, and his family and Rivendell, and perhaps Haldir. 'Although I could easily do without him,' he thought as Haldir began running a hand up his leg underneath the table. "Damn horny elves!!!!" He searched around the room for a neutral item to stare at, because Haldir sitting smugly at his right was becoming less safe at every moment. Likewise for his brothers sitting across the table from him and probably fully aware of everything that went on under the table at meals. 'From experience' he scoffed, and then gasped as Haldir grabbed him through his pants. 'Neutral point! Neutral point!' he decided against his parents immediately, and disregarded everyone to his right when he realized that if any of them realized what Haldir was doing they would almost certainly tell his father. He settled on a blond elf to his far left that he had never seen before and who was engaged in lively conversation with one of the healers. With great mental focus he started to eat again, fully renouncing Haldir's existence. It was harder than he could have imagined. Haldir noticed his small measure of success, and stroked him though his pants. He heard Estel's breath catch and Estel looked at him pleadingly. His smirk grew even smirkier. He stroked him again. Estel flushed and blinked several times. When he looked down the table again, he was met with a pair of exquisitely handsome, exquisitely *blue* eyes that regarded him with amused curiosity. He trembled (Haldir's work) and silently mouthed "Help me." The elf's eyes flicked coolly over to Haldir, whose left hand was mysteriously AWOL. He smiled at Estel, and gestured for him to lean back. This he did as inconspicuously as possible, flushing a darker red as Haldir's grip tightened. He was becoming a real problem for Estel, whose adoptive father had conveniently decided to glance down the table at his three sons. Estel glared menacingly at Haldir again, who winked and smirked- as a misshapen glob of mashed potatoes (po-tay-toes!) flew deftly up his right nostril. "Thu-splunk!" They both snorted in unison. Estel took several deep breaths. Then he made the mistake of looking up from his plate. White goop covered the left side of Haldir's face, from his chin to his forehead. There was also quite a good bit in his hair. Estel clapped a hand of his mouth -to no avail- and began to laugh like what Haldir would describe as an 8 year-old maiden. That was what broke the silent tension that had taken control of the room- hysterical, effeminate giggles that may as well have been helium-induced. Estel paid no attention; there was no room in his mind for anything except his smug, dignified elf blowing potatoes out of his nose into a handkerchief. Of course, the noises from this covered up the giggling somewhat. Elrohir and Elladan started to clap. Whether it was a blocked air passageway or something else, no one could say for sure, but Haldir was the color that (severely homosexual*) interior decorators refer to as "FUUUschiaaa!!" The hall filled with talking again when they realized Haldir was NOT indeed going to kill them all. The nameless blond elf looked at him and winked before reverting to a look of pure, innocent shock. Estel snorted again. He figured it was better than dying of asphyxiation. **** And now, an interlude: At the lunch table one day, we started testing the rumor that you can shoot stuff really far if you half-inflate a Ziploc bag, push in one of the corners, put something in the corner, and smack the bag. So my friend- we'll call him…Goldilocks- put a chip in the corner of the bag and smacked it, intending to shoot it at my other friend-who we'll call Bob. It flew about 6 inches and would have missed even if it had gone further. I cannot impress upon you enough the CONSEQUENCES of what you have- the sheer MAGNITUDE of the suckage of this attempt. Naturally revenge was in order for Bob, whose honor had been gravely offended. So he took the bag, stuck a dime in the corner, aimed, and smacked the bag. It went over Goldilocks' head and half across the cafeteria to smack this idiot Future Dropout of America stoner** kid in the side of his big, pasty oblong head. A few minutes later he storms across the cafeteria to our table, flanked by 2 cronies. Because we are THREATENING people, let me tell you. I mean, I've got a dozen bodies in my basement. We all have a great problem with stealth, in that we laugh at inappropriate times and give ourselves away.*** So he says. "If you EVER do that again I'll.. " And naturally, we agreed. And he went back to his table, WAAAY on the other side of Outer Mongolia. And he gave us back the dime. *Not that there's anything wrong with that. ** Not that there's anything wrong with that. ***There's DEFINITELY something fatally WRONG with that!! ****** At long last (and it was a while), the future king of Men gained control of himself and returned to Middle-earth. He was just in time to see Elladan passing Haldir the gravy for the sixth time that night. Estel looked at him and found that his friend obviously recovered more quickly than him. Haldir sat perfectly composed and was quite obviously plotting slaughter for the lot of them. Estel repressed giggles again and reached up to affectionately wipe a large glob of off Haldir’s forehead. "I'm going to kill you," he said calmly, just like a sociopath who's about to go on a rampage. "I know!" Estel beamed. The rest of dinner was completely boring except for a few lapses in self-control on Estel's part and the rapid discussion of alibis. It really made no difference to Haldir who the guilty party was, he was quite sure it could quickly be traced back to the short, blue-eyed human who held his hand as they walked out of the hall. **** I'd like to thank the Creation Myth Skit, in which we got to beat people, savagely, with a loaf of bread. This'll be longer, but I need time to type the rest of it, and this was the only logical stopping point for ages...Oh, and as an actual author's note, you have to read this from the point of view of a complete perv or it's not funny. I know it's hard. ;) So ends Part One.... **** I'm impressed with myself; It's my first published fanfiction! Sadly, boromir/bill isn't going well at the moment, so I needed a distraction. i AM writing it though, I promise. Thank you! Evil: live backwards. -SLH