Author: Indy Baggins
Pairing: Various
Rating: R 
Warning: Mentioning of het, sexual innuendo, incestry, whips, fetishes, etc
Disclaimer:  This is what happens when a British lit student hears one thou or thy to many… It is based on Chauser’s Canterbury tales. I am sure that both Tolkien and Chaucer are spinning in their graves right now, so excuse me for that. Although Chauser was quite the pervert himself- you never know he might enjoy the occasional spin…


In middle-earth this tale takes place
There is represented every race,
The elves, the oldest of them all
In shining beauty they stand tall
The race of man, great in bravery
In war, deceit and prudity
The hobbits, who hold their home so dear
Full of life, joy and cheer
And the dwarfs, living under ground
To the mining of stone bound


The Moria tales


When in December the cold wind starts to blow,
And green leaves no longer grow,
In Rivendell, a far-away land,
A fellowship was strand

A council was held, to decide where to ride
What to do with this ring, in the world far and wide
At length there was discussed what was best
The decision made, all went to rest

They rose with the sun, to go on their way
To Mordor, to cast the ring away

By speaking, fighting and sleeping together, all on this trip
They soon became a “true” fellowship

There was Strider, of the race of man
Who from the day on which we first began
To ride on this perilous journey
Had shown truth, honor and courtesy
Eventough his frequent bathroom stops caused us delay
He did it nobly in every way
Although a king, he possessed
Not but a sword, nor was he gaily dressed
He wore a fustian tunic stained and dark
With smudges were his armor had left mark
The name of this man was Aragorn
For the noble fate of king he was born

The other of the race of man, was named Boromir
In our group he walked, but with little cheer
He was the son of the steward, from the far white tree
And seemed very renowned to me
In statue he was of moderate length
With wonderful swordplay and strength
His clothes were embroided like a meadow bright
The greens and reds doing him right

At front, there walked one of the elvish race
At front of every group would be his place
He was a prince of Mirkwood, his name Legolas
His senses keen, lightness in his pass
He wore a coat and pants in green
Every thing that passed, he had seen
His arrows never dropped their feathers low
And in his hand he bore a mighty bow
His hair shone brightly in the sun
His tight muscles be seen when he run

There was a dwarf walking at his side
No other insulted him so in his pride
This was Gimli, son of Gloin
A mighty axe hung at his groin
His posture was small, his beard was brown
He knew the craft of mining up and down

Then there was a group of hobbits, from the Shire’s end
Far out of their lands they now went
A bunch of merry fellows
Their bellies round, their chatter shallow
They sang songs and poems they would recite
Knew how to jest and dance, draw and write

First there was Frodo, the one who carries our fate
His beauty and courage none could debate
In his eyes shines the grievance of counting every hour
His skin is whiter than a lily-flower
Every word sounds sweet upon his tongue
When he made a rare joke, or sung
His blue eyes would twinkle in his face as bright
As any star upon a frosty night

His cousins were named Pippin and Merry
And merry those lads were, walking steady
As close as brother and brother
Many a time they clung to eachother
Wine or food, they liked to take
Even now, stuffed in their pants, they have some cake
Merry, the one would say, all hot
Look what I in my pants got
And then they would disappear together
What they did, it does not matter
But happy both of them were
Even walking on the rocks, their feet bare

The servant of blue-eyed Frodo was Samwise
To any word from his master he would rise
The shy gardener he once was
Was left behind, with things to pass
He promised Frodo he would never depart
In his chest a good and tender heart
He showed more bravery too
Than anyone else knew

And finally Gandalf, a wizard old and gray
The weight of wisdom upon his body, but his eyes twinkle gay
He wears a pointy hat and coat
To Mordor, he leads the road
But all the things in his heart he can desire
Are to be found in the far-away Shire
Tobacco and hobbits, young and sweet,
Those things his eye would like to greet

And now the time has come to tell
What happened here, as the evening fell

But first I beg of you, in courtesy
Not to condemn me as unmannerly
If I speak plainly and with no concealings
And give account of all their words and dealings

As you could guess I think,
This evening began with many a drink
Carefulness of speech, wisdom and tact
All of them after drinking lacked
In drunkenness they came up with the idea
To have a contest, the subject free
Of telling a smart and entertaining tale
While drinking good wine and ale
The one who would be chosen as best
Would have that night no sleep, no rest
Would get merrily served till dawn grew pale
By who he chose to be his “nightingale”

Boromir started, raising his voice loud

“While my head is still fresh, and my statue proud
I will tell you a tale that in Gondor has fame
It talks about a pretty dame
Her ass was big, round and high
And every man she passed, wondered why
She would move those lovely globes in sight
When there was none who might
Grab them, touch them or just stroke
A behind so wonderful, none could joke 

Now there was a man, who made it his sport
To look at asses, from the finest sort
He bid her to come to his hall one day
And to touch her revered body, if he may
The wench said no without a doubt
But the brilliant Stewart of a plan thought
He made a contest, if the prettiest lass he had seen in his life
Come to his hall, he would make her his wife
Then he send for the lovely creature, so big, but tender
With her reverend body, no single curve slender

When she came to understand she pleaded
To not have the steward’s request repeated
If he was going to marry her, he should do so for her wit
Not for her behind, which he had admit
To long to look at those globes more
Than at any joker, food or whore

After a long discussion, they did get wed
And the Stewart had the lovely behind in his wedding bed
Which he had fallen in love with so hard
He just had to have her, but that was not smart
For the wench took his money and ran
Proclaiming she would never have any man.


So this is the story my father used to tell
To teach me and my brother well
To never pick a wife for her lovely ass
Or bad things will come to pass!”

The fellowship thought the tale slightly amusing
Finally Aragorn said: “I was musing,
Boromir, is it that you fancy a wife?”
“Oh no”, he answered serious, “not in my life!”
“Why is it than that such love is in thy tale?”
“Just put it down to too much ale”

All of them drunk and the party went on
Drinking and laughing in the setting of the sun
Aragorn suddenly sighed and said: “Dear man, I do wish to know
If not a woman, who love thou?”
Boromir looked down, very pale
“I did not tell this in my tale…
But I do love another”
He whispered: “It is my brother”.

All sat still around their fire
Then Aragorn spoke: “I must admire
The fact that you tell us all true”, said he
“Eventhough we could condemn you for incestery”

Than Frodo spoke, his face pale too,
“Tell me Boromir, does he love you?”

A fire came in the steward’s son’s eye
“My love for him runs as high
As any man could ever say
Without him, the light of my live is away…
As I left him in Gondor, he did cry
For he was afraid either he or me would die
And we would be taken away from eachother
As in youth was our mother

He loves me, I am sure
Our absence is as hard to endure
For him as it is for me
And so it seems to be our destiny
To love eachother from afar
And thinking of our love, die in war”

Frodo sighed and stared at his feet
“A love like that, should I ever meet,
I would love too, as much as I could
Hold him in my arms, and never let him go I would”

But Frodo never did see
While he spoke like that, his gardener looked up at he
With a tenderness in his eye
And some sadness, as if he would cry

Merry’s voice, usually full of jokes and wit,
Now wavered a bit
“No wonder you are sad Boromir
When you love is there, and you are here
I cannot understand thy pain
For the one I need, my sun and rain
Is always at my side
Whether we eat, sleep or ride”

Boromir looked at Merry and Pippin, to and fro
“I never knew your love was so”

Pippin looked shocked at his mate, and how shy he sat
“Why Merry, I never knew you could speak like that!”

Gimli broke their tender moment
“Come on-keep me from torment!
I will now tell a laughing history
Living in every dwarf’s memory”
They all settled down and took some more ale
To start listening to this new tale

“In Bara-Dur”, he began the story
“That hall, full of glory
There lived a miner and his wife
Together they had a quiet life

Until one day, in their house, the wife found a whip
And she started to give her man hardship
About how he had got a whip and why
While she thought her husband so shy…
The husband proclaimed it was to punish his men
If one of them not enough worked, he can
Whip them, once in a while a bit
Which he, with pain in his heart, did

Now this woman, she had read many tales in the library
About the beds of elves and men, and she was very
Intrigued by this thing in leather
How it looked by her husbands side and whether
They should try it once in bed
Since the couple, so many years wed,
Did no longer take any opportunity
And suddenly, she felt full of jealousy
For the workers, her man had to beat
It almost felt as lie and deceit

Because she wanted to feel his touch now
So she made herself a vow
To make this a night he would never forget
When time had come, they went to bed

The woman waited until she thought her husband asleep
She listened to his breathing, loud and deep

Then she tied around his hands a rope tight
And woke him up, saying: “I want you tonight!”

The husband, who had heard her remark,
Opened his eyes, but saw only dark
He tried to move his hands, but he could not
Despite himself, he felt suddenly hot
He loudly breathed: “wife, what did thou do?
Why am I tied, and where are you?”

But then he felt her hands going that way
And he muttered to himself: “bless this day!”

Then his wife made some candlelight
And her body was lit, all warm and bright
But in her hand she held the whip
And said: “I had enough hardship
Tonight I want to whip you bad
Until you’re hairy skin turns red”

When she did, it gave him a great rise
And than she whispered: “I have another surprise!”

Beside the bed, five of his workers appeared
They all started stroking him, or tugging his beard
The poor man could not resist
And since his wife did insist…

That night a lovely tradition was invented
Of workers, who could for all-purpose be rented
And often they will bring a whip
And cheer away any hardship”


The fellowship talked and laughed when he was done
But Legolas asked him: “Gimli, why have you gone
Away from a race with traditions so fine,
Well, I almost wish they were mine!”

Gimli seemed charmed by this
And said: “Legolas, ‘t is not sex you miss
But true love and companionship
I hold more dear than any whip”

And the elf seemed to understand
For together they sat, hand in hand

Pippin could not help but tease
“Be careful Legolas, that you not cease
To be an elf or your wits depart
Now a dwarf is in your heart!”

Legolas smiled a mysterious smile
And said: “master Pippin, it took me a while,
But now I know which story I wish to tell
And I am sure it will amuse you well”

He cleared his throat and spoke smart
“In Rivendell my story will start
Two hobbits were staying there
And to them, it seemed hardly fair
That they had to sleep in eachother company
While the elves at night did things so lovely

So they decided that, purely for cheer
They would try to have fun with Elrond and Haldir
At night they punched eachother awake
And snook in those rooms for pleasure’s sake

But when the one entered in the room that was of Haldir
His exited cheer was replaced by fear
For no elf was to be found
So he spent a while, looking around
Then he saw a closet, carved, so fair
He opened it in curiosity, but got a scare
Inside were instruments, of a sort he had never yet seen
But he could guess their purpose, his wit keen
So he took the objects, that in his mind so cunning
Looked like they could be, well… stunning

And ran with them through the hall
When suddenly, he stumbled and something broke his fall
Haldir! The hobbit in excitement moaned
“Dear hobbit”, Haldir spoke, “are those the things owned
By me-in thy arms? Why, thou art a thief,
A lovely hobbit, so full of mischief…”

Haldir than got a smile on his face
And accused the hobbit of disgrace
Stealing the things, he was coming to get,
For he was lying with Elrond and a hobbit in bed!

The halfling laughed and with no more ado
Said: “well, let’s go join those two!”

Through the hallway they hurried
Hands already buried
In eachothers clothes and heat
Stroking the hard, warm meat
Then they opened the door, to Elrond’s bed
When happened then, neither elf nor hobbit ever said

All that I did know
Is that the next day, they had marks to show
Upon their body, blue and red, as from blows…
And the hobbits had some on their tows
Apparently Elrond likes to use his tongue
On hobbitfeet, while wearing a thong!”


When this tale was over, all were laughing with open mound
Merry and Pippin so hard, they were rolling on the ground
Only Gimli, from the group was amis
So all assumed he had gone for piss

Pippin yelled: “Legolas, how did you know?”
“The morning after, there’s at Elronds face a glow”
“Yes, but still, how did you know it was Merry and me?”
“There are many things an elf can see”

They both snickered and said:
“Legolas, do not fret,
We have a present for you telling this story
Because your jest just gave us eternal glory
How many hobbits can tell
That there toes got sucked by the lord of Rivendell?”

The elf looked quite suspicious to me
and asked: “What present would that be?”
They both smiled proudly at him
And said: “Just follow us in this whim
Go to the forest, look with your keen eye
And you’ll see what we’ve got for you, and why.”
“Yes Legolas, go.” Merry replied
“And you will not come back dissatisfied”


With Legolas gone, they spoke many a word
‘till Aragorn stood up, holding his sword

“All sit down for a moment and wait
While I get the stories of this evening strait
You say my father-in-law likes to suck hobbit-toes?
While, he wearing a thong, they answer his woes?”

The fellowship looked at him, quite concerned
It took a lot to upset Aragorn, they had learned
But now, his face did something they hadn’t seen in a while
O by Elbereth- it was a smile!

“You say Denethor is fond of asses?
Why, that explains why he always wears his glasses
When Gandalf passes by!”

And, he continued, his humor dry,
“Boromir, you are in love with your brother?
And you two came from the same mother?”

Boromir nodded, vaguely sad,
Afraid Aragorn might become mad

But the future king started to snicker out loud
And jested: “Why, I should be proud
Of all you people, however shy
You still tell your stories without a lie

Quite plainly people this night spoke
About our beds and lovers we now joke!

This is my tale and true, my woes and all
For me it is a female who proceeds my fall

She is very hot, I will not lie
Her body fine, breasts round and high
The daughter of Elrond, very fair
And by him appointed as his heir
Because I quite liked the idea of a house and land
I tried to be her suitor, to win her hand

So lovely, well-descended
But strange things she of me expected 
I tried to please her in bed, as well as I could
I mean, through my blood and ancient heritage, I am quite good

Eventhough my hard sword would rise so high
She wouldn’t even scream nor sigh
The only blush I would ever on her face see
Was when she scrubbed the house, without me!

So one day, when I came riding back from my duty as ranger
I had lived through sword fights, countless leagues and danger
On the road to Rivendell (following the signs Elrond there put-
On hobbit-height, strangely) I fell in a puddle of mud

Without even washing my dirty face
I rode on, towards my Arwen’s grace

When my eye met her, I gave her, quite kingly, a peck
But she threw me down and started licking my neck!
I yelled: “Arwen, not here! Let me wash first!”
“No, dirty Aragorn! Let me quench my thirst!”

And then suddenly, she was all over me
Holding my arms, stroking my knee
Biting my ear-tip with her pearl-white teeth
A look in her eyes, like I was raw meet
She started to suckle and lick-everywhere!
Her tongue and teeth moving with the greatest care
In a low voice she growled: “You dirty man!
I’ll eat you all over, for as long as I can!”

That night (and the next day!) was truly the best of my life
After that I was sure I would make her my wife

But as soon as I bathed it was all over and done
Her interest for me, our steaming sex-life… gone!

When I talked with her, she with a tear confessed
That that lust she had possessed
Came purely from the stench of dirt
She left me feeling slightly hurt

But then I thought of a plan that could not go amiss
My royal seduction would go like this:
A mysterious note in her room I put
To come and meet me at noon, by that puddle of mud
I, totally naked, waited there for my Eveningstar
And when I heard somebody coming, very far

I put some mud over my… sword
And laid down in waiting, until I heard one word

“Aragorn” This was not my sweet!
It was by far the worst person I could meet
“Elrond” What in Middle-earth was he doing here!
With my heart pounding, my body trembling in fear
I looked up into the eyes of the lord of Rivendell
At his side Arwen. He coughed. “Well…”

I could see Arwen’s pale cheeks blushing in delight
“Ada” she pleaded, her eyes wide. “We might
Continue this walk some other day
Please leave me here to talk to Aragorn, if I may.”

Elrond than started hissing words in elvish
While Arwen kept on looking at me as I were a dish…

By this time all were sitting up strait, listening
“Come on Aragorn! Soon you’ll be our king
This is our only chance to hear about these things
About this Arwen, and your other flings.”

He sighed. “Why do you believe that I will jest no more
When I am king; as I did before?
Does a crown make a man purely politely?
When before he was forthrightly?
Will wars, suffering, and maybe a wife
Create an other Aragorn in this life?”

Boromir stood up and gave him a manly hug
“Aragorn, replace your sword by a mug
And you broody thoughts about things to be
With pleasure right now, you can hold and see
We might not know when, and in what way
But die we will one day
All of us, men, wizard, hobbits and elves
Until then, let’s at least amuse ourselves!”

“Hoy Aragorn, what happened with Arwen in the dirt? 
Did you prove your… kingly worth?”
“Yes Pippin, it all turned out well
I did not get banned from Rivendell…
Since I know now what makes my Arwen willing
Our time together is quite thrilling.”

Gandalf interrupted with a gay smile
Softly suckling his pipe all the while

“I think it is time for the young hobbits now
To tell an entertaining story-like about the why and how
Carrots are so much loved in the Shire
And every hobbit has a vegetable garden, for when desire…”

“Gandalf!” Frodo quickly cut in
“We could not possibly win
By telling a tale every traveler has heard
Eventhough we know you love every word.”
He strangely did not seem to think that offending
While Boromir obviously was pretending
To know all about this, looking to and fro
Between the wizard and Frodo

Finally Merry seemed to pity the man
He got up from his place, dragging Pippin and ran
To whisper an explanation in Boromir’s ear.
What they told him, none could hear
But understanding began to dawn on his face
And he yelled: “Why, what a wonderful race-
These hobbits, so small and resourceful
Life in the Shire simply cannot be dull!”

Merry and Pippin started smirking together
“Say Boromir… Does size matter…
To you? We could show you many a thing
Surely your brother doesn’t mind if you have a little swing…”
Boromir’s eyes widened in surprise
Pippin swore he could feel a great rise
“You mean… You two together ánd me…
What an amazing fantasy…”
“Fantasy no more dear man
You’ll be surprised at what us hobbits can.”

Boromir glanced at Gandalf, to see of he approved
With a great amount of nods from the wizard, he moved
And pulled both hobbits behind some bushes

While Gandalf quickly stood and rushes
Muttering something about “in case they go astray”
And in the blink of an eye, he too was away.

Now only Aragorn and the two other hobbits remained
Samwise Gamgee looking as if he was about to faint
All evening he had been staring at his feet
Blushing, not even daring to move from his seat

Aragorn broke the silence. “So, what happened to elf and dwarf over there?”
Frodo smiled. “Go see if you dare.
My dear cousins tied up Gimli, son of Gloin
Without any garments, except on his groin
By his side, they left a whip
And then send Legolas for “companionship”.”
Aragorn laughed. “Well, I’m sure he’ll enjoy that.”
And then added thoughtful: “Maybe I should go and eugh… take a bath.”
With these words also the king was gone
And their contest was basically over and done

Frodo sighed: “Well, I guess they’ll never hear my tale”
And he got up, to get some more ale
Sam smiled shyly: “Sir, I would like to hear it
Your story, I mean, as I am sure yours would have had the wit
To be chosen as the very best tale.”
“O Sam… You think I wánted that nightingale?”

“Well sir, beggin’ me pardon, but that was the reward
And although the competition was very hard
I am sure you would have had a chance.”
“Sam…” Frodo’s head spun, as from a dance 
Rarely he had heard his servant speak so free
Does he know if I could’ve chosen it would have been he?

“Sam, I am curious, what story would you have told?”
“Sir, me telling a story like that… I am not so bold.”
“Although…” Sam smiled, “I did hear something from Ted Sandyman
About the man of the West and their horses…can
That be true you think, Mister Frodo?” He added whispering.
“Yes, it is. Bilbo once spoke to me of such a thing.”

“So what was your story about sir?” Sam changed the subject back light
Frodo than blushed for the first time this night

“Well, it was about a hero Sam
About a hobbit, who does all he can
to help me, to take care of me… yes you do!
This hero, Sam, this is you.”

Sam moved his gaze up to the sky
So Frodo wouldn’t see the tear in his eye
Softly he spoke, his voice heavy with fears
Sir, you don’t know… for every “sir” I call you there are a thousand “dears”
I wish to speak…” His voice broke. “I wish to whisper in your ear…”
“O Sam!” Frodo yelled, hugging him tight “Me dear…
Do you love me, as I love you?”
Sam cried: “I do sir, I do!”

So somewhere between Rivendell, Moria, and eternal bliss
Under these stars they shared their first kiss
They spend the night loving eachother more than a writer can tell
Even trying out the trick made famous by the lord of Rivendell

Legolas and Gimli spend the night of their lives
Now once and for all sure that one does not need wives
To handle a whip perfectly fine
And to say they found all this thanks to some wine…

Aragorn spend the night on the riverbank, in the dirt
Thinking about Arwen, and how much it hurt
To be away from her, for so long now
That he could hardly remember how…
But then the smell of mud reached his nose
To him smelling better than any rose
So he pulled out his sword, and had some fun by himself
After all, a man does not for everything need an elf…

The two hobbits and Boromir did some quite wicked things
For some positions, he would have sworn to have needed wings 
Pippin even turned out to have found a carrot somewhere
And gave Boromir quite a scare
By using it in an… extraordinary way
The poor man could not sit the next day.

The Grey wizard Gandalf had quite some pleasure too
Spying on every couple, without them having a clue
And using his hat and “magical touch”
It was also for him hard to sit the next day much.

In this one night, where nobody thought about danger or rings
This fellowship learned many things…

Life belongs to the open of mind
Do not always stick with you own kind! 

The end.