Title: A Bond of Brothers Chapter Twelve - Departure Author: Oakenshield (Oakenshield@lonelymountain.zzn.com) Rating: PG-13 Pairing(s): Elladan/Elrohir Warnings/Spoilers: Incest, implied rape and torture Archive: Anyone who wants it is welcome to have it, just let me know first. Disclaimer: The characters and the places all belong to J.R.R. Tolkien, and I am making no profit from this at all. Summary: Celebrian leaves for Valinor ------ Chapter Twelve - Departure Imladris Year 2510 of the 3rd Age Spring had come and gone twice since Celebrían had been brought home by her sons after being taken captive by the orcs of Caradhras. In the first weeks that had followed her return, she had lain in her bed, sick with poison, feverishly shivering in the winter chill, longing for spring. She had longed for crisp blue skies and the sight and scent of cherry blossom from the tree outside her window. Yet when spring had arrived, it had made no difference. To her heart the blossom had not been pink, but grey. Cold and unpromising, like everything else. Two warm summers had offered her no comfort either. Arwen had picked fruit for her daily, and the twins had brought her fresh flowers. Come early autumn, the fruit jams that Celebrían had once loved so much had been in abundance, but they had been tasteless to her mouth. She had tried to recall the nights when she had sat up late with Elrond, sharing toast and crumpets spread thick with the harvest jams, but it had been to no avail. All food had stuck in her throat. On hearing of their daughter's misfortune, Galadriel and Celeborn had ridden from Lothlórien as quickly as they had been able to and had both stayed in Imladris to be with her. Her mother had been caring for her like she was a child again. Celeborn, who Celebrían had not seen fight in many long years, had insisted on riding out with every hunting party Glorfindel sent into the mountains. It frightened her to see him in such a way, but she knew that if her cruel fate had befallen Arwen then nothing could have stopped her taking vengeance. The children had been a great comfort to her, for their part. Arwen had spent a lot of time with her and had brought her many gifts. Things were not well between the twins, however. Elrohir had told her that they had parted, and he clearly bore the grief heavily, though he was remaining strong for Celebrían's sake. Elladan she had not seen quite so much, and he had been aloof with everyone but her. She had heard him weep over her bed at night when he thought she had been asleep, and she had longed to comfort him. If only she could. The news of the twins parting had naturally reached Elrond's ears, but he had done nothing to approach them, even though Celebrían had begged him to. He blamed them for her torment, and said that the damage was already done and could not be undone. As far as she knew, he had not spoken to them at all since they had returned to Imladris. She had not the strength to argue with her husband, and he had looked so heartsick as he had cared for her that she doubted he had the strength to argue either. It was Glorfindel who had been her rock. He had sat with her many nights when she had not been able to bear for Elrond to look at her. He had supported Elrond, he had tried to counsel the children. He had listened to her fears, his song had crept into her darkest nightmares and soothed her. He had secretly helped her purge her body of the last piece of filth the monsters had left inside it. And it was Glorfindel who had helped her make the hardest decision of her life, to leave this place and sail West where she would know peace again and her soul would be healed. He had told her of a vision Elrohir had once had as a very small child in which she had died from her torture. It could happen. She felt like she was dying a little every day. She had discussed the matter carefully with all her family, and after much protest from Elladan, who had eventually been convinced by Galadriel, Elrond had sent word to Círdan. A ship was waiting for her now and she was ready to go. The first leaves of autumn were blowing into the house as Celebrían stood on the terrace, waiting to say her goodbyes to those who were so dear to her. She had asked Glorfindel to watch over everyone for her, and he had promised that he would. Imladris was in his charge while Elrond and her parents were to accompany her to the Havens. Elrohir had wanted to come too, but Celebrían had asked him not to. Her children were not ready to see the Sea yet. And she did not want to have to say goodbye to them twice. She might yet see them again, though she felt in her heart that she would not. So long as they were happy and lived their lives honestly, then she was prepared to let them go. The twins were not being honest, but there was nothing she could do about it now. She had tried to speak to Elladan about his leaving Elrohir, but he had calmly told her that he had done it for her. Oh, Elrond was right about one thing, wrongs could not be undone. Elladan did not see that his decision to break away from Elrohir changed nothing, but he was adamant, and Elrohir wilted for it. She had hoped to talk some sense into her elder son before she left, but he had been missing since the previous night. Galadriel had assured her that he was all right, and still within the realm, wishing for some time alone, but it hurt her that he had not come to say goodbye. She had not imagined Elladan to be the one to run away. She had such little time left with her children. She did not want to waste a second of it. "You are Lady of Imladris now, my Evenstar," she said to Arwen as she embraced her. "Promise you will take care of your father and brothers for me. I do not like to leave them like this, especially Elrond." "I will take care of him," Arwen promised faithfully, not allowing herself the tears Celebrían could see in her eyes. "I swear I will never leave him." "No, my daughter, do not swear that. You may not be able to keep the promise." She kissed Arwen upon the cheek. "Only swear to me that you will always follow your heart, wherever it may lead you." Arwen nodded solemnly and hugged her gently one last time. "May fair winds speed you to peace," she whispered. "In weeks to come, I will look west from the windows and know that you are healing there, and my heart will be glad." "I am proud of you," Celebrían said as she reluctantly let her daughter go, before turning to Elrohir, who looked tearful and afraid. "You are not alone, my darling son," she told him as she embraced him as well as she could. Her arm had never regained its full strength or movement, and she longed to hold Elrohir properly. She could feel the turmoil in his heart. "Forgive me, Mother," he wept, clinging to her gently but tightly. "I cannot ask it enough!" "There is nothing more to forgive," she said. She had heard those words a thousand times or more from both twins and she could not bear to hear them again. "I forgave you a long time ago. I am only glad that you are both home and well. I have no ill thoughts about either of you. I love you both so much." "I wish this had not happened!" Elrohir sobbed. "Elladan and I should have died in the Wild, in your stead. We never should have returned." "No!" she cried, flinching in his arms at the thought. "Oh, Elrohir, never say such a thing! If you had not come home then you would not have found me and rescued me." He was silent but she knew his thoughts. "I know I said that I wished to die," she whispered, "but I am so glad that I did not. I am glad I lived to see your beautiful faces again, to hear your voices, to touch you and to speak to you. You are my sons, and you always will be. Whatever choice you come to in the end, I will always respect it and I will always respect you." "Celebrían." Celeborn appeared at the door dressed in travelling clothes. "Let us go now, if you are ready." "Goodbye, my darling one." She kissed Elrohir's tears as she released him, then reached back for Arwen's hand to squeeze it before she departed with her father, leaving her children to console each other. They were the most beautiful beings in the entire world, and more precious than the light of the stars. Their sorrow darkened their souls, but still they remained more lovely than anything in creation. She hoped that one day they might shine brightly again. One day they might know peace again. "They will be all right," Celeborn assured her as he took her arm to help her down the steps into the courtyard where Elrond and Galadriel were waiting. "We will take care of them. Worry not about the twins. If Elrond does not give in, then they will always have a home with Galadriel and I. We will not see them suffer again." "Thank you, Father." It comforted her, though only a little. All that she wanted was for Elrond and their sons to make amends and come to understand each other. But she felt like she was hoping for far too much. Celeborn gently lifted her before Elrond and then mounted his own horse. Elrond led the way out of the gates, his horse stepping through the red and golden leaves that covered the floor like a carpet, and Celebrían's heart felt heavy. She leaned into Elrond's arms and looked around as the trees passed by. She tried to take in the sight of every last detail of the land that had been her home for all of that Age, to hold the memory in her mind like a painting she could look at time after time. She would never see it with her eyes again. ****** Upon a hilltop overlooking the House of Elrond, a lone Elf man sat tall in the saddle of a black horse, his head held high and his face set with a stony countenance. The breeze tugged at his dark hair, whipping loose strands into his eyes and his cloak flapped behind him. One would have assumed him to be important, lordly, noble, and overlooking his land, but that was not at all the case. He was nothing. He was no one. He was ashamed and disgraced and alone, and had nothing left to hope for. He had destroyed everything he had ever loved, and no matter what he did now, he could not put it right. It would have taken a high-flying bird of prey with a very sharp eye to see the tears that lined his cheeks. None could see his sorrow from afar. He felt that he had not the tears to cry for what had happened because of him. He was Elladan, who had once been the son of Lord Elrond of Imladris. He had once been the pride of his realm. He had once been the lover of his twin brother. Now, he was nothing. Hollow. Pointless. His mother was leaving for the Havens, and he did not know if he would ever see her again. He did not know if he was permitted to follow her. He did not know if he was still immortal. He felt cold, in body and in heart and not even love could warm him now for he had cast it aside in the hope that it would make things right. It had not changed anything. Would he and Elrohir die without their father's pardon? Elladan would not ask for forgiveness, whatever the case may be. He and his brother had done enough to try to make amends. He would not beg before the sire who had lied to him and tricked him. He blinked the tears from his eyes and looked down into the valley to see three horses walking some distance behind an escort of Imladris guards. The Lady of Imladris was on her way to the Sea. Elladan had left the house sometime before dawn. Elrohir would have called him a coward, and though he often resented being called such a thing, this time Elrohir would have been right. He was being a coward and he was glad of it. He would not have been able to hold his mother in his arms and kiss her goodbye knowing his father would be glaring on, blaming him for all their woe with icy glances. He'd had a moment with Celebrían the previous afternoon. They had sat together in the garden and watched the sun set. That was how he wanted to remember her. He dismounted and led his horse down a footpath to watch the party from a better point of vantage. The horses moved slowly but steadily along the path out of the valley. He could see the morning sun shining on Galadriel's golden head, and Celeborn rode beside her with his hood back. They looked like the sun and the moon. Before his grandparents rode his father and before him on his horse, in his arms, sat Celebrían. Elrond held her like she was his alone, like only he was permitted to touch her, to be near her. He had made it clear since she had returned that he had not wanted either twin to see her, but she had insisted. She had forgiven them, but it did not give Elladan relief. It only hurt him more. It was because of them that she had come to be this way. Galadriel had tried to assure him that it was the fault of all, but he could not believe it. Perhaps Elrond was to blame the most, but Elladan knew that he and Elrohir had started it. He could not say which of them was to blame the most. He had forgotten who had leaned in for the first kiss when they had been too innocent to be committing such a crime. It didn't matter. They shared the blame equally. Glorfindel had also tried to reassure him but Elladan had no time for his words of advice. The days when he had been able to take comfort from Glorfindel were long gone. After all, Glorfindel had been the first to betray them. Glorfindel, who was getting ever further into the bosom of the family, it seemed. Glorfindel, who had sat with Celebrían for so many nights. Glorfindel, who knew things that no one else did. Glorfindel, who had spoken alone with Celebrían the night before she had announced she was leaving. Glorfindel, who looked at Elrond with barely disguised longing in his eyes. Celebrían could not have missed the fact, though Elrond himself seemed blind to it. Elladan had been watching the golden Lord carefully, and he would continue to do so. Oh, if only there was more time! He could not escape the feeling of impending doom, and only his mother could put things right! If only he could speak to her of his troubles, if only she had the strength to advise and support him. /'It is not too late, Elladan,'/ the voice of Galadriel swept through his mind. /'You know you will never see her again. You have done enough that you cannot forgive yourself for. There is already so much that you regret. Do not let another chance slip through your fingers.'/ Elladan clenched his teeth and closed his eyes to try to still his tears, to try to still his panic, but the attempt was useless. He could not let her go! He could not spend long years trying to remember her face, her voice. He was forgetting already. He had to find courage to see her one last time. Leading his horse carefully down the steep, narrow path, Elladan lost sight of the party but he knew the road that they were taking. Once it was safe enough to mount again, he urged his mare to gallop as fast as she could. He left the path and cut through the trees until he sighted the other horses upon a bridge crossing the Bruinen. "Wait!" he called loudly across the roar of the water. "Mother, wait!" Celeborn was the first to stop his horse and turn back, Elrond was the last, but Elladan was not deterred. He rode quickly onto the bridge, like he was racing against time, running for his life. "Let me down," Celebrían said, looking at Elladan with the only joy he had seen in her eyes since before all the trouble had begun. "Elrond, let me down this instant." Elrond dismounted and lifted her down, turning away from Elladan as soon as he could, but Elladan did not care. He was not there for his father. He dropped from his saddle and ran to Celebrían, tears pouring, and he could not stop them. "I do wish you could stay!" he cried, clasping her gloved hands within his own. "But I know you cannot. I would not ask you to stay for anything in the world, but.... Oh, stay just a minute longer?" "I would stay for hours longer, days, weeks, years, if only I could," Celebrían said softly, squeezing his hands as tightly as she was able. "I thought you would not come." "I meant not to," he confessed. "But... I had to. Something called me to you." He forced himself not to look back at his grandmother. He did not want Celebrían to think that he had only come because of Galadriel. "I realised that I may never see you again, and I could not bear it!" "You tremble, my child," she said, brushing his tears away with her fingers. "You must not be afraid." She led him away from Elrond and Galadriel and Celeborn and looked out over the water with tears in her eyes. "I do not want to leave, you do know that, I hope." "Of course I do," he whispered, forcing his eyes to study her face and remember the colour that had once painted her cheeks, the light that had once shone in her eyes. He could see it. He could see her as she had been; healthy and strong and full of life. He could remember how she had looked to him when he had been a child, tall and radiant and always there to protect him, then his eyes cleared and he saw the horror before him. Her face was ashen, her body was frail and she could not even stand straight. "Talk to your father, Elladan," she urged him, and he did not have the heart to deny her wish to her face. "He is hurting very badly. I know he has been a complete wretch to you, and he would not ask you to forgive him anymore than you would ask him to forgive you. But please, for my sake, try to make things right with him." Elladan nodded. "He does not have need to hate us anymore, really, seeing as we are parted." His tears threatened to buckle him. He wanted to throw himself to the floor and wail for all the pain he felt inside every time he thought of Elrohir. "You are not parted," Celebrían said. "Not here." She laid a hand against his heart. "There is no point in being apart in body, if you are still together in your hearts. It will tear you both in two. I know you still love Elrohir, just as he loves you. I would not ask you to break your bond for me. You made your choice to be with him years ago, and you thought that choice was true. I accept that choice now, though I am afraid I will never understand it." "But so much grief has come of it!" Elladan protested. "Yes, it has," she said. "So do not make all this grief be for nothing. Go to Elrohir when you return to the house, take him in your arms, and be with him forever if that is what your heart tells you to do. I would never rest, in Valinor or anywhere else, if I knew that you were not both happy and whole." Elladan nodded but did not have the strength or words to thank her. She was giving him her blessing to be with Elrohir, and that meant that he would never see her again after this moment. It was such an awful price to pay, but it was the only choice he had left. He would die anyway, and to die without Elrohir would be worse than any other punishment. "Take this." Celebrían removed from around her neck the pendant Elladan had given her in his childhood and put it into his hand. "Remember me when you look at it. If you feel lost, wear it and I will be with you. I will always be thinking of you." Elladan felt his heart go cold as his mother swayed a little and visibly paled further. "You must be on your way," he told her, catching her arm gently in case she fell. From the opposite side of the bridge, he saw Elrond make to move but Celeborn held him back. "Yes, I must." Celebrían nodded and looked into his face, before lifting her head to kiss him. "Hold me, my child," she said, hugging him with her able arm. "Hold me tightly, I do not care if it hurts." Elladan wept against her silver hair as he embraced her against his shoulder, feeling her cringe with discomfort but he could no more loosen his grip than he could fly to the moon. This was the last he'd ever know of her. "I love you, Mother," he whispered, releasing her into his father's hands as he felt her stumble in his arms. He could hold her there no longer. Galadriel gave Elladan an encouraging smile from where she waited on horseback as Elrond helped Celebrían back into the saddle, wrapping her cloak around her. He looked so tender with her, and Elladan felt sick. He had not seen his father act like that in many years. Though his parents had always been happy together, their marriage had always seemed a little loveless to anyone looking in, but Elrond did love her, Elladan could see it now. For that moment, he would have given anything to return to the days when his father had looked at he and Elrohir with love in his eyes. But those days were gone, never to return. He mounted his horse again and smiled at his mother one last time before he turned and rode back towards the woods. He had seen her one last time, he had said goodbye. He could not watch her ride out of his life. ****** Elrohir awoke beside Arwen some time deep into the night. She had returned to his chambers with him after Celebrían had departed and had stayed there. She had fallen asleep beside him after finally surrendering to the tears that for months had longed to release her from her inner suffering. Elrohir had comforted her and assured her as falsely as he had assured himself that everything would be all right. Then, as she had succumbed to dreams, he too had wept himself to sleep. Arwen looked peaceful, her fair face illuminated in the glow of the moon that shone in through the open curtains. She looked so young, so innocent. Perhaps she was the only member of the household who was truly innocent. She should not have had to suffer so for the crimes of others. Elrohir smiled down at her and kissed her forehead, remembering how she had often come to his room as a small child when something had troubled her. Then, it had taken little more than a song or a story to settle her. "I am sorry for all we have done to you," he whispered into her ear as she slept. He caressed her cheek lightly, then settled back into his pillows, closing his eyes in hope of going back to sleep. Things were easier in sleep. The horrors of his life were not real. In his dreams, he was safe and everything was right with the world. His mother was well, his father was not angry, Arwen was happy, and he and Elladan were together. If only he could stay in those dreams forever. Shifting to allow Arwen a little more room as she stirred, Elrohir flinched as his body touched that of another that lay behind him. He recognised the figure immediately. He must have fallen into dreams already. "Elladan!" he gasped, turning over to see his brother lying there as true as the light of the moon. He looked tired, as though he too had been asleep until moments ago. How long had he been there? Why had he not woken him? "I am back," Elladan whispered, lifting himself up on his elbow. "I rode after Mother, and we spoke." Tears were in his eyes as he looked Elrohir in the face for the first time in over a year. Elrohir felt his breath hitch in his chest. "What is it?" he dared to ask, lifting a hand to touch his twin. They had barely touched since they had parted, for fear of not being able to let go. But something told him that he should have no fear, and his hand closed upon Elladan's shoulder. Elladan looked down at the hand and took it in his own. "Mother said that I should not let you go," he said shakily. "I thought it was the right thing to do, but..." "It matters not to Father now whether or not we are together, he does not forgive us anyway," Elrohir told him in a hushed voice, his heart beating faster with hope that Elladan might take him back. "And I know it is not working. I cannot live without you, Elladan. I am fading without your love." "Oh, and I without yours!" Elladan sobbed, pulling Elrohir into his arms. "I need you, Elrohir! Forgive me for casting you aside!" "I forgive you anything!" Elrohir clung to him, fearing he would change his mind again. He could not take the agony another time. This would be the last time they would try to fool themselves. "Oh my brother! Oh my love! My Elladan! Do not leave me again!" Elladan gripped him in his arms so tightly that it hurt, but he was surely hurting Elladan too. "I swear I will not!" Elladan vowed, fisting a hand in Elrohir's hair before lifting his head to kiss him firmly on the lips. "I could not! Ai, I was such an idiot to think this would change anything!" Elrohir returned the kiss, tasting the salt of their mingled tears. It reminded him of the morning they had made their blood pledge to each other. It seemed like centuries ago. "Let us be true and constant this time." "I could have it no other way, even if I tried!" Elladan kissed him again, pressing him back against the pillows as his tongue sought entry between Elrohir's lips. From beside them Arwen gave a small sob and turned her back to them, huddling into the pillow. Reluctantly, Elrohir pushed Elladan away, and looked to her. As much as he wanted to kiss Elladan, and hold him, and love him again, it could wait. Arwen needed love more than they did at that moment. "My Evenstar," Elladan said, leaning over Elrohir to touch her arm. "Do not weep, my sister. We are all here. We are all together." Arwen turned her head to face them with new tears in her eyes, and Elladan lowered his head to kiss them away. "I feel so alone," Arwen sobbed. "We will not abandon you for each other," Elrohir told her, taking her in his arms as she rolled over to face him. "You are our sister. Whatever happens, we three will always be together." There would be no more rifts in his family, of that he was determined. "Always and forever," Elladan agreed. "Until death parts us," Arwen said quietly, kissing Elrohir innocently upon the mouth before rising and repeating the gesture to Elladan. "Sleep, my beautiful one," Elladan said to her, rising from the bed to walk around it and sit down at the other side of her. He took the coverlet from the end of the bed and drew it over her body. "Dream sweet dreams with no sorrow." Elrohir watched as Elladan stroked Arwen's hair and softly sang to her. He had not seen such a sight since Arwen had been a baby. It moved him to tears to know that Elladan was still tender, he had turned so bitter recently. Sometimes, it was difficult to look at Elladan and Elrond and tell which was which. Perhaps if Elladan knew how much like their father he was becoming then he would have changed, but Elrohir never had the courage to say so. Soon Arwen yielded to the lullaby and sleep pulled her into its soft bosom again. Assured that she was soundly asleep again, Elladan rose from the bed. He crossed the room and opened the doors to the balcony, looking back at Elrohir with a weak smile before he walked outside. Elrohir glanced back at Arwen then followed him, shivering in his thin nightshirt. The nights were getting colder again. Soon the trees would all be bare and the snows would come. The floor outside felt cold beneath his bare feet, the ghosts of a thousand winters still haunting the cracks in the tiles. "Hold me, my love," he whispered, melting into Elladan's arms as they wrapped around him. "Hold me forever and never let me go." "Forever," Elladan murmured against his hair. "Ai, Elrohir! I only feel whole when you are with me! I have been so empty this past year." "I too." Elrohir lifted his head from Elladan's shoulder to kiss him. "I have missed you so much," he whispered against his brother's lips, before parting them with his tongue and kissing him deeply. Elladan sighed softly and held him closer, a hand at the back of his head as if he was afraid that Elrohir would pull away, but he had no need to fear. Elrohir did not intend to pull away until he could no longer breathe. He could breathe in life through Elladan's kiss for many moments to come. Elladan's love was breath to him, and blood, and light. "Oh, my star rider, my brother, my love," Elladan sighed as he finally broke the kiss, panting. "My heart, my soul, my life," Elrohir replied, kissing him softly once more. As he withdrew, he noticed that Celebrían's pendant was hanging about Elladan's neck, shining beneath the collar of his tunic. He lifted it carefully from the folds of fabric. "She gave this to me," Elladan said, following his gaze down and unclasping the chain. "You may have it if you want it." "No." Elrohir stilled his hand. "It was your gift to her. You must keep it." Elladan nodded and closed the necklace in his hand. "I have been thinking," he said gravely, walking to the edge of the balcony to look out to the mountains where the moon hovered low in the sky, glowing red. "I was thinking about how we rode out with Grandfather and Glorfindel and the others last spring to hunt down the orcs." "I wish to do it again," Elrohir said, speaking the words he knew Elladan was thinking. "I wish to avenge her." "What else can we do?" Elladan asked rhetorically with a shrug. "We cannot stay here. I will stay a while, for Arwen's sake, but we never intended to stay indefinitely. Lord Elrond does not want us to be here, and I do not want it either. This place means nothing to me anymore. Especially not now Mother has gone." "Then that is what we will do," Elrohir said. "All this will not be in vain." In unspoken consent, Elladan placed the necklace on the table and withdrew a knife from his belt. "In blood." "In blood," Elrohir agreed, taking the knife from him and slicing into his palm. He winced as he closed his fist and warm blood trickled out, falling onto the golden chain of the necklace that had been stained with his mother's blood not so long ago. He tried not to think of the blood bond he and Elladan had made to each other to avow their love and loyalty. This scar would cover the other. "We will avenge you, Mother," he said. "We will kill any evil creature that crosses our path, and hunt down those that hide from us." Elladan took the knife from him and cut himself, his blood spilling over the jewel. "We will have no fear. We will face any animal and look him in the eyes, even if it means our doom. We will die before we run." "Together," Elrohir added, holding out his bleeding hand for Elladan to take it. "Let us renew our pledge to each other." Elladan looked into his eyes and clasped his hand, their blood mingling together and dripping onto their mother's necklace. "Together," he agreed.