To Lose Thyself Author: Celebrian. E-mail: Celebrian@datafull.com Web page: http://www.geocities.com/sabrinallo/index.html or http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Celebrianlotrsfanfiction Pairing: Elrond/ Erestor, Erestor/ Rumil, Erestor/ ? & Glorfindel/ Haldir . (Tiny little bit of Elrond/ Celebrian.) Rating: NC17. (Mature readers only) Summary: What happened to Elrond´s & Erestor´s dreamy relationship when the Lord of Imladris married Celebrian?. Disclaimer: I don't own them :o( But they all live in my mind. Warnings: Angst, non consensual sex situation (Rape) and suicidal tendencies/ thoughts. Author's notes: Prequel to Falling into temptation. - I might add another short story in the middle of this two, but I am not sure yet -- -@- Elladan and Elrohir were not born yet.. .-@- Elvish Translations: Amin mela lle: I love you. // Amin mela lle beika, Mela en´ coiamin: I love you too, love of my life // A´maelarain: Beloved.// Anor: Sun.// Ithil: Moon. Feedback makes muses happy. Happy muses make happy authors, happy authors write faster... ;o) * * Special Thanks to Betas Elaine & Emerald :) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Imladris, Year 100 of the Second age. Erestor stood quietly, leaning on the rail of the balcony of his private chambers, staring into the depths of the forest in the night. Everything seemed darker this night, darker than it had ever seemed. His heart had appeared not to find peace in the singing of the birds, the light of Ithil, or the light of Anor, nor he believed it would ever find peace again. Then why had he considered that the mere landscape of the valley he once considered his home would help ease his pain? He was a fool; for now, a deep hollow had set on his heart, a hollow that would never find fulfilment again and which would never let him live with out the constant pain and cloud of sorrow that swarmed his senses at that moment. He felt he would never be the same, he felt he was destined to live what was left of his life, feeling numb. Nor did he really want to awaken to face the truth. The truth that had led him to this state. He only wanted to forget... "Erestor." A hesitant voice called him from behind; in his distracted state he had not heard anybody approaching. He closed his eyes as tightly as he could. Maybe the other would go away if he wished strongly enough for it. The dark haired elf briskly shrugged his shoulder free from a tender hand's clasp. "You should not be here." He decreed, trying to control the tone of his voice, which managed to leave his closed throat. "There is no other place I should be..." The voice was sweet to the elf's ears, almost charming him to turn and sink his trembling body in those strong and so loved arms he so much cherished, those arms that once held him protectively away from any possible harm. "You should not be here..." He repeated, muttering painfully. "Where else you want me to be, if here is where you are." Erestor felt his heart wavering. Was he going to pass to Mandos' halls this quickly? So little strength his body had left?. He held himself steady gripping firmly the rail he was leaning on. As the now agonizing memory attacked his clouded mind. * * * * * * * * * "I will always be by your side..." His lover had promised after one of the most intense rounds of lovemaking he remembered, while still cradling him selfishly to his body. "Do not promise things you do not know you are going to be able to keep." Erestor had pleaded as he concentrated on the erratic breathing playing on his hair. "I would like to believe it to be truth, but it is not only up to you to hold a promise like that". "Are you planning on leaving me for another?". The elf spooning him had asked chuckling softly. He could remember the other's chest moving against his back as the other giggled heartily before nibbling possessively the tip of his ear. "I will not let you..." He had stated seriously, and with out giving him time to form any words he added. "I MUST keep my promise if I want to remain alive" At that comment Erestor had turned into the shelter of the embrace, so he was able to face his beloved with a puzzled look. "You are the owner of my heart. Meleth-Nîn. And like any other I will not survive with out it. So you see. You are destined to be near my side for eternity. Unless... you want me to die, that is." The other elf had arched an eyebrow in a mockery of inquiry, making him giggle, before pulling the concerned face near his own to kiss the alluring lips. "Are you giving me your heart A´maelarain?" Erestor had asked while cupping the other's face lovingly in his hands. "Nay, I have already done that. I am only letting you know I have done so..." * * * * * * * * * He had lied... "Erestor ..." The voice pleaded, this time the hand did not dare to touch him for fear of another imminent rejection. "You should not be here..." "STOP, saying that!" The other elf ordered annoyed as he tried to normalize the tone of his words. "There is no other place I should be right now but by your side." "What about your wives´ side? Your nuptial bed?" Erestor turned to face the other as the icy words left his mouth. "Should you not be there, My Lord?" "I have already explained to you how things are going to be handled, Erestor." "Yes. You have. Elrond." He mocked his lover's tone masterfully and managed to grin proudly at the pain on the other's face. "And I have already EXPLAINED to you that I will not be your illicit lover." "I would never ask that of you. And you know that." Elrond acknowledged hurt. "You want me to sleep with you while your rightful lover sleeps in another room." Erestor frowned his brow, faking to be thinking. "Mnnn. No... I can not think of another name for it but illicit lover. Can you?" He looked intently at Elrond who looked down defeated. "Thought so." Erestor laughed hurt. "Go to her and let me be... It is the least you can do." He managed to say as he passed the Lord of Imladris, heading inside his room, fighting tears from showing up in the corners of his eyes. "I can not live without you." Elrond´s declaration made him stop brusquely in his place. "You know I am not lying, Erestor. Please, you know I need you to breathe. Please..." His eyes shut painfully closed. How much he wanted to believe those words. How easy it would be to turn and let the other soothe his pain away. Erestor turned on his heels and managed to stare bitterly into Elrond´s grey pleading eyes. He could see the tears being held back as badly as his own, yet this was not reason enough for stopping the words which were already leaving his lips. "Our paths are no longer the same. You have taken that decision for both of us. Now... you have no right of asking me..." "I am only asking for your love. That love I still feel in your heart. I would not deny I miss your touch, or that my body wakes screaming for you every time I see you in my dreams. Yet what I miss the most are your caring words... A tender word that let me know I have not lost you." Elrond interrupted in a cracked voice. "You will not hear that kind of words from me because I no longer have the right to speak them." Without further delay, Erestor hurried from his room, leaving Elrond behind. It did not matter if he had to sleep on one of the benches in the garden and face the dawn's light chilly rain. It would always be more bearable than having the one he had loved so much and break his heart in an irreparable way, near him. * * * * * * * * * * * * * It was morning and the sun had risen a long time ago. The birds were happily singing and Arda had come to a daylight life once again under Elbereth´s blessing. Erestor had considered several times that he should pretend to be alive too, and start his usual chores. But he had failed in getting up, from the safety of his refuge, everytime he had considered so. Instead he snuggled closer to the cold stone and closed his eyes. He was tired, yet he could not sleep. He had not been able to, since Elrond went to Lórien to attend Galadriel's immediate summons. And the few times he managed to, he found his dreams harassed by nightmares, waking him abruptly within less than half an hour of rest. If that is how it could be named. "Erestor?" The familiar, tender and musical voice made his eyes snap open, despite the fact that his eyelids were feeling extremely heavy. "What are you doing here?" The golden haired eldar inquired while sitting next to him. "You have missed breakfast. Again." He added smiling tenderly. "I am not able to swallow the air I breathe. Much less I will be able to eat an entire breakfast." Erestor sadly mused out loud to himself. "Well, that answers the last sentence. What about the first one? Have you spent the entire night here?" At the lack of answer Glorfindel sighed. "Come with me inside. We can prepare you a nice hot bath, and maybe you can try to eat some fruit. Or drink some tea at least." He pleaded, and he knew Erestor only agreed to prevent worrying him more than he already was; yet Glorfindel knew it would suffice for the time being. Glorfindel stood after Erestor and, walking slowly, they headed to the house. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Elrond could see through the window of his study, both his beloved and his friend entering the gardens. Erestor had been missing every meal for months and he was sure, he was only sporadically eating the fruit on the tray of his room. He was looking thinner and paler with the passing of the days... * If you would only let me reach you beloved...* He thought as the oak door opened. "You seem troubled My Lord." Celebrian stated as she stood next to her husband. "I am worried." He affirmed calmly, staring at his friends until they disappeared under one of the balconies. "What is it that you need, My Lady?" Elrond asked, finally meeting her gaze. "What can I do for you?" "I heard there is a nice stream not far away from the house. I was hoping to see it today." "Of course. I will ask Glorfindel to show it to you, unless you are planning on taking somebody else." Elrond offered vaguely, due to his mind still lingered on his former lover's health condition, as he walked to his desk. "I was hoping you could join me My Lord. Since we have already married and I barely know what is your line of thinking respecting the matters of your ruling as Lord of this lands." She stated matter-o-factly. Elrond faced the daughter of the lady of the wood and there he could see the resemblance between them. "Yes, and I must apologize about that. I have been busy with other affairs and I have not taken the time to explain how we manage in this valley." "Oh. No. I would never dare to suggest you owe me an apology. Please forgive me if I sounded like you needed to apologize for anything." Celebrian´s voice was a musical whisper meant to enchant every creature able to hear it. "Yet, I do have to apologize. It was rude of me not to notice such an important issue." The Lord of the house searched visually his desk. "I can show you the stream now while we discuss whatever you want to ask and I will finish this paperwork later in the afternoon." "We can leave it for another time if you are busy." She assured, looking charming. "No. I can take some time off..." Elrond assured. "Please ask Lindir to tell Arthon to set the horses ready. I will meet you at the entrance hall within half an hour." With a slight reverential nod Celebrian left to go look for Lindir and, while closing the door, she saw her husband heading to the window where she first found him. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Glorfindel was leaving the public bathrooms with Erestor. Despite the cloud on Erestor´s heart the blond elf had managed to cheer him up a little with trivial talk and he had also managed to take his dark haired friend with him to the kitchen. Glorfindel was positive he would get Erestor to eat the small amount of food his stomach resisted at that moment. "Glorfindel!" Celebrian´s voice called for him, making Erestor tense the little he had managed to relax, or even more. Both elves turned to face the silver haired Lady walking towards them. "My Lady?" "Glorfindel... Erestor..." She bowed slightly in salutation to them. "My Lady..." Erestor managed to say sounding as natural as he could. "I am sorry to interrupt you, but I need to find Lindir and he seems to be nowhere around. Have you not seen him?" "No. I am afraid we have not. Why are you looking him for My Lady? We might be able to help." Glorfindel´s stomach twitched and he felt Erestor´s pain as his own, yet he could not let that get in the way. The Lady of the Wood was still the Lady of the House and she deserved to be treated as such. "Elrond asked me to find Lindir so he could get our horses ready. We are riding to see the stream." "I will make certain the horses are ready, My Lady." Glorfindel stated quietly. "Thank you Glorfindel." After smiling at both of them she pranced happily out of their sight. And before the golden haired eldar could form a soothing word, Erestor stormed out of his sight too. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * That same night, Elrond was standing on the balcony of his study. He could see the main path from there and he would notice if Erestor returned. According to the stable elf boy, Erestor had appeared in the stables a mere few minutes after he and Celebrian left to find the stream. Erestor saddled his mare in a hurry and stormed out the place with no explanation at all. This had been in the middle morning and now it was long past midnight. Elrond new that his lover might be back late after dinner time, Erestor always saddled his mare when he was going to leave the city but somehow Elrond was hoping he had been mistaken and he would return in a reasonable amount of time. He was just hoping he would return that night... Suddenly his heart froze at the possibility of not seeing Erestor again and he felt a cold shiver running down his spine. * What if he is not planning on coming back?* "He will come back." Glorfindel assured, walking towards the Lord of the house. "How can you be so sure my friend?" Elrond asked as he turned to face the blond elf standing by his side. "You are here." Glorfindel smiled reassuringly at the Lord of Imladris while rubbing the other's back soothingly. "The more reason for him to leave." The dark haired elven Lord sighed heavily at his statement. "He will not be able to stay away from the one he loves for long." "I believe Erestor is far from loving me at this point Glorfindel. I would dare say he hates me. And I do not blame him..." "You think he would be suffering the way he is if he did not love you?" "I do not know what to do. Everything I say seems to be wrong. He avoids me all the time and the few moments I find him somewhere he..."Elrond trailed off to clear his mind. "He would not listen to reason. Not that there is any reason in this entire situation, but... I can not reach his heart. He won't let me. And I see him falling into this void of despair with no one but you to help him." Elrond looked desperately at Glorfindel. "He is not going to last this way." Now Glorfindel was the one to sighed. Elrond was right. He had noticed the increasing distance Erestor created to keep others away from his heart. Slowly he was secluding himself in his pain. "You know as well as me that he barely eats. He does not seem to be sleeping either..." The dark haired elf remarked, sounding more worried than he wanted to seem. "I know." The golden haired elder nodded quietly. Both elders stared quietly as they noticed Erestor climbing the external stairs which would lead him to the balcony of his private chambers. "Wait ´till the morning." Glorfindel ordered, politely yet sternly at the outraged pleading face of his dark haired friend. "Otherwise he will spend another night in the cold of the gardens." The Lord of Imladris sighed, despaired by this new information. He knew Erestor disappeared when he faced him, but Elrond thought his lover retreated to his room, not the inclemency of the autumn's night. "Try to get some rest. You seem to be needing some sleep too." After his friend nodded, the golden haired elf retreated to his own quarters while Elrond remained on the balcony, pondering different ways to reach his beloved's heart. TBC... To Lose Thyself Chapter: (2/?) Author: Celebrian. Pairing: Elrond/ Erestor, Erestor/ Rumil, Erestor/ ? & Glorfindel/ Haldir . (Tiny little bit of Elrond/ Celebrian.) Rating: NC17. (Mature readers only) Summary: What happened to Elrond´s & Erestor´s dreamy relationship when the Lord of Imladris married Celebrian?. Disclaimer: I don’t own them :o( But they all live in my mind. Warnings: Angst, non consensual sex situation (Rape) and suicidal tendencies/ thoughts. Author’s notes: Prequel to Falling into temptation. – I might add another short story in the middle of this two, but I am not sure yet -- -@- Elladan and Elrohir were not born yet. .-@- Elvish Translations: Amin mela lle: I love you. // Amin mela lle beika, Mela en´ coiamin: I love you too, love of my life // A´maelarain: Beloved.// Anor: Sun.// Ithil: Moon. Feedback, makes muses happy. Happy muses make happy authors, happy authors write faster… ;o) * * Special Thanks to Betas Emerald & Elaine :) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Three months had passed since Celebrian came to live as the Lady of Imladris, and for more than three months the Lord of the house and his advisor suffered the unbearable pain of broken hearts. * * * * * * * * * * * * Elrond sat in his usual place at the council, Erestor and Glorfindel sat at his sides and for the entire morning they listened to the main problems of the city, whilst proposing different possible solutions to them. The bell finally sounded, calling them all for lunch. Although Elrond paid attention to the business conversation, his eyes could not avoid distracting his mind every time he turned to his left and got a glimpse of Erestor. His was hair was just tied by two small clips at the sides of the head. He looked beautiful, as he always did, despite the considerable amount of weight he had lost, his beauty remained as the first time Elrond set his eyes on him. Elrond smiled, relieved, as he watched his former lover lightly smiling in the middle of his apparently enthralling conversation with Haldir and Galdor. And he also considered that there was no doubt, the most beautiful flower of the valley would not be able to compete with the brilliance of his beloved’s smile. How much Elrond loved those smiles, how much he had missed them… Luckily his beloved seemed to be less troubled with the passing of the months, and Elrond hoped he might have another chance to speak with him, now that Erestor´s pain had lessened a little. At least he did not run away from him like three months ago, nor leave him speaking alone… “You are staring my friend…” Glorfindel observed softly only to his friend’s ears. “Words will not work…” he offered, as soon as the rest of the elves passed to the dining rooms. “What then?”. Elrond asked, hoping for some advice. Words had not worked this far and he was not sure how to act around Erestor anymore. Deep inside his heart he had started to fear his lover’s blatant rejections and he was not sure how many more he was going to be able to handle. “You will know when the time comes.” Glorfindel smiled amused as he stood from his chair. “Is that all your advice my wise friend?. I will know when the time comes?.” Elrond arched a questioning eyebrow and stood from his seat too. “You will. Trust me.” The two elves headed to the dining room and as soon as The Lord of the house took his place the food was served. He ate quietly. Fortunately nobody addressed to him for long periods of time, giving him enough time to discreetly observe Erestor´s moves. He was still chatting with Haldir and Galdor. Glorfindel joined the conversation, favouring Haldir with his comments and Celebrian ate quietly giggling from time to time at the passion shown by the ones trying to prove a valid point. Erestor slightly turned his head to face Glorfindel -who was speaking at the time-sitting by his side and caught the intense, yet loving, gaze of the one his heart still held dear above all others. He might have blushed, or maybe the shy smile he was trying to hide had been seen, because Elrond´s eyes sparkled in a blink of hope. Erestor looked away swiftly trying to ease the quickening pounding of his heart. . He was not sure if he wanted to keep Elrond away from him anymore. He was not sure of what would he do if Elrond told him that he loved him… Maybe it was not a lie as he had been thinking these past months… * * * * * * * * * * * * Lunch had ended and everybody was leaving to attend to their chores. Elrond stood after finishing the last sip of his drink. “Erestor. Please come to the study as soon as you are free from your responsibilities. I need your opinion regarding the last message from Mirkwood.” “As you wish, my Lord.” The dark haired elf nodded in agreement at the Lord of the house and after a few seconds this one was gone. * * * * * * * * * * * * The day passed rather quickly, and sooner than expected Erestor was knocking the ancient oak door of Elrond´s study. The Lord of Imladris beckoned him in with a soft yet steady voice. “Please. Sit.” Elrond ordered lightly, as he searched the ordered, mess of papers on his desk. “I never really understood how come you always manage to find the paper you want in this … chaos…” Erestor mused softly out loud as he smiled. “It might seem a CHAOS…” Elrond laughed softly as he raised his gaze to face his fair lover. “…but it is not. I know exactly where every parchment is.” “I know…” Erestor assured, smiling warmly at his Lord, before pulling his gaze to the chaotic desk swarming with parchments. “Here…” After searching several scrolls the Lord of the House handed one to his chief advisor. “You want me to find something in particular or…”. The dark haired elf asked as he carefully unrolled the scroll of paper to read it. “I want your opinion on the importations they ask from us. Beyond the fact that we can not send that quantity of oat. Which leads me to another point, I will need you to answer the request…”. Elrond stared as his beloved quickly read the words drawn on the paper he just gave him and, leaning back into his chair, he waited for Erestor´s opinion, while hoping the other would not to find out the lame, rushed and desperate excuse he had invented to have him alone in his study. Suddenly the door opened, and Celebrian appeared, pulling both elves attention in her direction. “Oh. I am sorry. I thought I would find you alone…” She excused herself, pleased as Erestor wriggled uncomfortably in his seat. “I will go read this somewhere else…” Erestor stated uneasily as he rose from his chair “… and let you know as soon as I finish it.” After Elrond´s nod the other elf left the room, passing quickly by his beloved’s wife. * * * * * * * * What had you been trying to convince yourself about, Erestor?. That things could be like before?* He slightly shook his head at the awful sensation of his lost love and headed to one of the internal gardens under the house. * Things would never be like they once were because he is no longer yours… When are you going to understand that!. Foolish heart * He recriminated angrily to himself as he dropped himself on a stone bench near a small cascade. “I have been waiting for you to leave, but it seems I will have to ask it of you myself.” Celebrian declared as she let her figure be noticed by the elf near the wall. “I beg your pardon, my Lady?” Erestor asked, startled and unsettled. “You heard me.” A soft mocking laugh left the Lady’s lips. “And you know it as well in your mind. Yet it seems you have been not listening clearly to it. So I see myself in the awful position of reminding you that the one who was once yours is now mine.” Her eyes, as cold and inexpressive as ice, pierced Erestor´s soul as well as his heart. “And I ; unlike you, am not willing to share.” Amused by the lack of words from her rival the silver headed lady circled the bubbling pond and examined some purple little flowers growing in the stone crafted wall. “You must leave Imladris. I do not care where you go or what your excuse to Elrond will be, but you must be across the city frontiers by tomorrow night.” She glanced chillingly at Erestor who was at this moment standing petrified looking at her with a mix of rage and fear in his eyes. “I can not leave Imladris. I will not leave my home. You can not ask me that.” He stated in shock. “Yes I can…” Celebrian managed to say between her amused giggles. “I can ask that and more of you if I wanted so. Oh. Erestor please. Do not look so panicked! You remind me of a scared bunny!” The giggle had become laugh when she forced herself to continue. “But do not worry. I will settle with having you away from the city and my beloved husband. We are going to begin a family soon and I do not want you meddling in our lives. Nor I will allow you to.” She stated seriously, glancing menacingly to him. “I will not interfere in your lives, as I will do nothing to provoke Elrond into leaving your side…” “You will not provoke him? The mere fleeting look of you provokes him! Why do you think I want you away? It is the only way for him to settle and think clearly of his future; OUR future. You being here is the constant reminder of what could have been but never will. I imagine that if you love him a little you will not allow him to live in the past.” “I will not leave my home. I can only give you my word that I will not interfere with your lives but I can not stop loving him. The feelings in my heart are beyond my control to tame. The fact that I do not act upon them does not mean they are less strong than the first time I found them in me. I can not leave, and as I say I will not because Imladris is my home and its Lord is the only owner my heart will ever know. So I suppose, my Lady, that you will have to SETTLE with my word. Now if you excuse me I have things to do.” Without looking back and a little more quickly than he really wanted Erestor left the small garden under the city as he tried to figure out what had just happened. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * A week later, Glorfindel and Elrond were walking through the gardens while they discussed some matters about the imminent arrival of the Lórien elves. Three of the most important counsellors were being sent to Imladris to find a solution to the constant attacks upon their cities during springtime. During their quiet walk they saw Erestor sitting near the riverbank looking vaguely into the water. The blond and dark haired elven Lords looked at each other questioningly as they approached the other, without being noticed. Never, even in his worst moments, had Erestor let somebody or something get so close to him with out being seen or heard. “Erestor?”. Elrond called as he knelt next to the sitting figure of his former lover. “Are you feeling well?” “Yes. I did not hear you coming. I must be more tired than I had first assumed.” Erestor tried vainly to dissipate all concern from his friends´ minds, and expressions. “I must go inside and finish some pending things... Excuse me.” Without further delay, Erestor rose and hurried out of their sight, disappearing between the thick foliage of the forest. “He is acting distant and avoiding me again.” Elrond declared as he cleaned his robe of the dry leaves that hanged loosely from it. “I have noticed too. But I can not link this change of behaviour to anything I know.” “I hope he does not become as distant as he was. I will try to talk to him.” “Do you think he will talk to you?” Glorfindel asked matter-o-factly. “I will talk to him tonight after diner.” He assured. “And inform you if there is something for you to worry…” The Lord of Imladris nodded and they resumed their walking. “How are you feeling?”. The golden haired eldar asked softly after some minutes of silence. “I… miss him.” Elrond allow himself to confess. * Terribly * He added to himself. “And I know that I should start trying to get Celebrian pregnant but, I can not stop thinking of Erestor. He was doing better this past months and I know that if she ends up with child he will sink in despair again…” The Lord of Imladris sighed as the devastating sensation of defeat flooded his heart and soul. “Maybe it is only me who thinks he still cares for me. Maybe my heart denies facing the truth.” “What is you conception of THE TRUTH?” Glorfindel asked emphasizing his last words. “You more than anybody should know there is no such a thing as the truth, at least, not only one. Things we believe to be true can be only the mere illusion of our hearts and minds and things we believe to be lies are only so because we are not able to deal with them if they were real. My point is.” The blond eldar continued after some thinking. “You did not imagine your happiness and bliss with Erestor you LOVED each other. It would be easier to transform all that happiness into an illusion… it would be easier to carry and to live with it. Because if you have only imagined it, you would have never really lost it, and you would never feel as guilty as you feel for Erestor´s pain. It would be easier to believe your love as a lie, and illusion...” Glorfindel sighed heavily. “Do not let your heart take the easy way away from pain. THAT is the illusion, there is no such a thing as an easy way to stop the hurting. You can not escape the pain of a broken heart unless you solve the problems that lead it to be broken.” “I will not be able to handle more of this Glorfindel I feel like…I die every time I see him, knowing I might not be able to soothe him when he is distressed or pet his hair tenderly until he falls asleep in my arms.” Due his frustration Elrond spoke in a raising voice. “I do not know if I will be able to stand this mockery of my bond to Celebrian if he is not by my side. HE is all I ever cared. And HE can not see it! It seems I have failed in that too. Not only I, broke his heart marrying another but I also…” “Elrond” Glorfindel´s voice soothed as he placed a tender hand on the trembling, dark haired elf’s shoulder. “Stop blaming yourself. You are been too harsh my friend. I do not believe Erestor blames you half as much as you do.” “I wish I could believe you.” Elrond mumbled feeling exhausted. “You would not believe even if Erestor himself told you so. Because YOU are the one thinking that the fault was only yours.” The calming voice of the golden haired eldar explained. “Who else’s? I was the one to accept this foolish matter.” “You had no choice.” The even voice declared. “I could have said no.” Elrond growled to himself obviously still blaming himself for the distress of both his former lover and his own. “No, you were not allowed to.” Glorfindel stated sharing his friends despair. “I think it is time for you two to have a talk.” Glorfindel declared peacefully as he leaded the distressed elf Lord back to the house. * * * * * * * * * * * Elrond stood in the terrace of his room, his skin was starting to slowly prickle as the icy air of the winter night filtered through, the thin fabric of the shirt he was wearing, colliding with his recently bathed skin. Soon he would be summoned to attend the nightly meal; the guests would expect the presence of the Lord of the Valley. Once again he was forced to concentrate on his duties instead of his will. If he had been able to choose, he would have gone to continue the search of his beloved. Erestor had been nowhere to be found during the afternoon and Elrond had discreetly searched the entire house twice. The Lord of Imladris sighed longingly as he spotted two lovers fooling around in the shadows of the gardens. If he could only feel at least a tiny beat as he felt when he was loved… Maybe he was still loved; weeks ago Erestor had blushed and smiled shyly, when he spotted Elrond´s staring. And then in the study he had also smiled … Teasingly, perhaps… But then at night he acted distant again. Maybe he… Elrond complained, as the knocking on the door he had been trying to avoid for some seconds become insistent. “Only in Mandos Halls I will find peace!” He growled annoyed to himself. “Dinner is served My Lord.” The elf maiden stated most gracefully cheerful. “I will be right there.” The elven Lord assured and with that statement he dismissed politely the intruder of his privacy. It amazed himself sometimes to find how nonchalant and polite he could sound… After picking up his robe Elrond headed to the dinning room as he buttoned it, not really paying attention. “Elrond… Elrond!” The soft feminine voice insisted. “Celebrian” He recognized his wife as soon as he turned to see the origin of the musical sound. “I am sorry. I was distracted.” “I can see you are distracted” She giggled charmingly. “So distracted you are that you can not notice you are skipping some…” She started to unbuttoned the misplaced line and link each button with it’s respective hole. “Places… There you are.” She smiled at her husband. “You look much more distressed than other days. Something happened?” “No. Nothing for you to worry about” “But I do worry when I see you suffering.” The silvery haired Lady petted soothingly Elrond´s face. “Have you not talked to him?” Her voice was filled with concerned. “Erestor?. Has he not understood yet the true reason of our bond?”. “It is such a shame. Maybe If I speak to him…” She offered. “No. It would be the same. I thank you nonetheless, My Lady. Your heart is more than indulgent in all this affairs we see ourselves involved in.” Elrond managed to say, not being really able to mask his pain. “I will try to speak to him later. Now we have guests waiting for us. Shall we?” He offered his arm to the Lady of the house and they walked their way to the dining room where the guests were, indeed, waiting for them. * * * * * * * * * * * Later that night, knowing Elrond would not be there, Erestor entered the study. He still sighed in relief when he saw only a couple of candles lit. “Were you afraid he could be here?” “I am trying to keep my promise.” Erestor affirmed annoyed while calming the rushed beating of his heart. “Would it not be easier for you to leave? It will be less painful too…” Celebrian explained as she poured some Miruvor in two goblets. “Have you considered my words Erestor?” “I have made clear I will not leave this land for anything.” The dark haired elven Lord watched wearily the silver haired Lady who offered him a goblet filled with sweat strong wine. “Let the best one win then…” She joked after sipping her Miruvor. “This is not a competition and Elrond´s heart is not a trophy.” The elven Lord barked while he headed to place the parchments his Lord had handed him in the morning to read, and left the filled goblet on the desk. “Ah. Now I see why he likes you. You are romantic… and I would dare say you are extremely tender whilst in bed.” She grinned. “Am I right?” “My performance in bed is not a matter of your concern.” “Where are your manners Erestor? When have you started to exclude the Lady title when referring to me?” Celebrian played puzzled, while she suppressed an amused laugh. “A Lady would not be questioning me about my deeds in bed. CELEBRIAN” Annoyed Erestor walked to the window. “Ah. Indulge me. Please?”. The Lady of the House pleaded amusingly as she took the discarded goblet from the desk and walked towards Erestor. “Please?” She grinned as the elf Lord turned swiftly to face her furiously. “I see. You are also… discreet… Yes, I can see now what he sees in you. You are quite adorable. When you are not, looking at me like you are doing now. But…” handing Erestor the wine she grinned. “I understand you can not leave… Do not look at me so. I do have a heart!” “I do not doubt you do.” Erestor managed to say civilly, as he looked disbelievingly at her. “Let us make a toast for our beloved Elrond. Yes?” She pleaded charmingly at the elf standing in front of her and raised her goblet simultaneously with his in signal of a toast. A wide triumphant grin formed in her lips as Erestor drank the contents of his glass. “What?…” The elven Lord mumbled groggily. “You have … altered the …wine!” Erestor managed to say as he fall heavily on the green carpet of Elrond´s study. The transparent, almost empty, goblet crashed next to the body shattering into thousands tiny little shards. “So you have noticed…” Celebrian mumbled as she knelt next to the passed-out body and checked its pulse. TBC… To Lose thyself Chapter: (3/?) Author: Celebrian. Pairing: Elrond/ Erestor, Erestor/ Rumil, Erestor/ ? & Glorfindel/ Haldir . (Tiny little bit of Elrond/ Celebrian.) Rating: NC17. (Mature readers only) Summary: What happened to Elrond´s & Erestor´s dreamy relationship when the Lord of Imladris married Celebrian?. Disclaimer: I don’t own them :o( But they all live in my mind. Warnings: Angst, non consensual sex situation (Rape) and suicidal tendencies/ thoughts. Author’s notes: Prequel to Falling into temptation. – I might add another short story in the middle of this two, but I am not sure yet -- -@- Elladan and Elrohir were not born yet. .-@- Elvish Translations: Amin mela lle: I love you. // Amin mela lle beika, Mela en´ coiamin: I love you too, love of my life // A´maelarain: Beloved.// Anor: Sun.// Ithil: Moon. Feedback makes muses happy. Happy muses make happy authors, happy authors write faster… ;o) * * Special Thanks to Betas Emerald, Elaine & Gabriel :) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * She stood up and quickly headed for the balcony entrance where four young elves were carefully hiding from any possible viewer. “He is ready.” She stated and with no further words, the elves rushed into the room to pick up the unconscious body. “He seems dead.” The younger one worried out loud. “Are you having second thoughts? I remind you and the rest of you that you need to do exactly as I told you to do, to receive the rest of your payment. Not to mention that if you do not do this little favour to me I might remember the ones I saw hunting within the borders of the city…” “You need not to worry my Lady. My brother is young and he frightens easily. We will do as we have agreed, in fact I think we will enjoy doing it…” The one who seemed to have the definitive word stated as he ran an exploring finger over Erestor´s inert features. “He is indeed alluring.” “I do not care if you enjoy it or not. I only want you to do exactly as I ordered you to. No less!” “Then we can do more…”. The same blond elf mused wickedly out loud. “Take him.” He ordered at the ones holding Erestor´s dead-like body. “Give us half an hour to prepare ourselves…” He grinned wickedly and left after his friends, leaving Celebrian alone in the study. She went to pick up the glass shards scattered all over the carpet and in the process she cut one of her fingers. Once she had managed to pick up every little piece of crystal, she headed to find her husband. Luckily she found him rapidly staring into the back gardens of the house. “My Lord? Are you still searching for your beloved? Has he not appeared yet?” Celebrian´s most concerned voice asked pretending to be weary. “No. I am hoping to see him. He enjoys walking around the gardens during the night time.” “I do not think he would be walking under this cruel weather.” She assured as she walked to stand next to Elrond, to stare outside the window of the hallway. “Have you searched inside the house?” “I did.” The Lord of the House stated defeated. “Why do you not try again? You probably crossed each other at some point.” “You might be right.” Elrond sighed heavily. “It is late.” He looked at her puzzled. “What are you doing up at this hours of the night?” “Oh. I was thirsty, and I had no more water in the jar of my room.” She stated smiling broadly. “Come to the kitchen with me. We might find Erestor in the way.” Lingering her arm with her husbands´ Celebrian led the way to the kitchen. * * * * * * * * * * * * Once in the deserted room… “I need something to warm my body. Would you like to have tea with me?” “Yes I could use something warm.” “I will prepare it then. If only I could find where the things are…” She mumbled quietly. “The tea is on that shelf…” Elrond pointed, fighting not to look as far away as he was at that moment. The only recurring thing torturing his mind was Erestor´s disappearance and recent behaviour. “And… I will go get some sugar. The pot is empty.” “Alright” She agreed, sounding indifferent as she looked at him passing the entrance of the small hallway that would lead Elrond to the dispensary. Elrond quickly searched the dark room and found the big sugar container in one of the corners. While filling the small pot he held in his left hand, he got distracted by a distant noise. He recognized the nature of it as soon as he focused his attention on it. It was the unmistakable moaning of sex. It took him a little longer to notice that there were more than two participants. The pot of sugar, seconds ago empty, was now full to the top. And when Elrond was about to leave the room he felt the strange urge to follow the sounds. Something became heavier in his heart; he felt his breathing becoming uneven almost in a pattern with the increasing palpitations of his heart. Why was he so perturbed? He had certainly participated in orgies before and he was also aware that some took place within his household. So why was he feeling the urgency to follow the moaning to it’s source? Without giving himself more time to consider the idea, the Lord of Imladris headed down the corridor which would lead him to the noises´ source. Elrond froze at the image that the small open window revealed to his eyes. His hands clenched wrathfully to the sides of his body and within less than a couple of seconds he found himself storming back the same way he had come. Raging through the kitchen he avoided Celebrian´s puzzled words and left her somewhere behind on the way to his private chambers. The walls holding the doors of his quarters seemed to tremble as the slammed door collided sturdily with its almost identical companion. His clenched hands started to ache and his lips were barely capable of restraining an already formed shout of rage from leaving his lungs. Breathing heavily Elrond found himself throwing one of the glass vessels, accommodated on the nearest table, against the wall. The shattered container fell on to the floor in several pieces while the water that filled it, ran it’s way down the wall in the form of thin transparent lines, the brutally battered flowers fell into the small pool of water formed on the stone floor. Suddenly he found himself stepping down the stairs of his terrace and the last time he focused his mind he found himself at the stables. Taking his mare without answering the worried questions of the young elf in charge, he left with the order to remain silent. He stormed out and forcing the animal to the extreme, he headed to the top of the valley. Dismounting briskly he cried out in frustration to the air over and over, while clenching his hands at the sides of his body. That seemed not to be enough, for his fisted hand hit the trunk of the nearest tree making it shake despite its deep roots. Dry yellowy leaves started to fall around him while his body fell heavily to the dirty ground. His hands cupped his face as the held back tears started to scroll down his cheeks. The anger developed into a mix of despair and pain, the cries once of rage became a steady, uncontrollable sob of hurt. He could not breathe, the pain in his chest became almost intolerable, he fell into the grass, the torturing images kept coming to his mind over and over, making his chest constrict even more than it already was… Erestor´s head had been resting in the shoulder of the elf taking him forcefully from behind as another sucked greedily on his cock. His moaning had been faint, responding to the pleasure his body was receiving, he was groaning at the touch of other… others… Another two blond elves worked his nipples sucking and licking them from time to time… not stopping even when Erestor had cried his release and filled the other’s mouth… Elrond shut tightly his eyes as the cry of Erestor´s release sound in his mind. He could still hear his beloved panting tiredly in the arms of another, not his… How could he have been such a fool? To let himself be hurt in this way…? So blind had he been that he had not noticed Erestor had taken others? The distance, the apathy, the disinterest… Elrond blamed his lack of cleverness at the time for his failure to be aware of his beloved’s activities. He had been a fool… The Lord of Imladris stayed curled up against the wet grass until Anor started to bless Arda with its first rays of light. He was feeling extremely weak, his eyes hurt and so did his chest. His breathing was calmer now but that did not mean he was breathing well, every gasp of air that managed to pass into his lungs seemed to set them on fire every time… He stood dizzily and after whistling twice his mare appeared, he mounted with difficulty and headed to the house… * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Erestor rolled uneasily under the heavy covers that kept his naked body from being completely exposed to any of the elves heading to the kitchen. He complained faintly as his muscles screamed silently as the sore places had been suddenly awoken. His numb eyes closed tightly as he acknowledged the nature of the pain. *What have I done?* He thought as he tried to curl up painfully while trying to remember how he had ended up there…* What have I done…?* After several minutes he ordered his fevered mind to focus his eyes on the room in search of the tiniest of the clues, something that spoke to him of how he had ended up naked in a strange bed. But there was no such a thing, all he noticed was that the bed he was laying was a mess and his clothes were strewn all over the floor. For a moment he considered the idea that he might have spent the night with Elrond and he had only left him there to go get something but the illusion vanished as he tried to sit on the edge of the bed and the soreness of the entrance to his body proved itself to be capable of hurting even more. Tears of pain rolled down his pale cheeks as he moved to stand. It had not been his lover; he would never hurt him the way the one he had spent the night with did… He stood with difficulty and gathered all the discarded pieces of clothing. Dropping down the coverlet stained with semen he once held tight around his neck as if it were a cape, he saw himself in the cracked mirror. His body was tinted with purple and black marks, some of them obviously bites, the other ones he assumed had been inflicted by sucking hard on the delicate skin and others were inflicted by the strong hold of uncaring hands… He looked away feeling sicker than he already did and managed to put his pants on. He closed his eyes and once again tried to remember how he had ended there, and with whom. But it was useless… No memory came to his confused brain. Sighing heavily Erestor pulled his shirt over his head and left the small room to head to his private chambers. Once there he filled the bathtub and sank in it. It took him some time to fill it but he could not risk going to the public bathrooms, someone might see his abused body and he was not going to be able to explain how it had come to happen. And even if they did not ask, the rumour of the obvious marks might reach Elrond´s ears. And that was the only thing Erestor cared: for Elrond not to find out. Never to find out what he had allowed another to do to him… * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Erestor went to Elrond´s study; one of the three counsellors of Lórien stopped his speech when he noticed the late arrival of Elrond´s chief advisor. “I mean no interruption Counsellor please feel free to continue.” Erestor forced his voice to sound even and painfully bit his tongue when he sat in his usual chair. Using the last self control his body had left, he managed to keep the tears from leaving his eyes while awkwardly trying to shift in the now uncomfortable seat to find the least agonizing position which allowed him to actually listen to the other’s words. Two hours later the bell calling them for lunch sounded, ending the meeting. After the agreeing to continue the discussion after the midday meal, the Lórien elves left the study. “I am glad you decided to honor us with your presence. Erestor.” Elrond stated icily as he headed to his desk. “Are you feeling well?” Glorfindel asked, worried as a mask of pain appeared on Erestor´s face as he rose from his chair. “Do not trouble yourself Glorfindel. It is natural to end up sore after being part of an orgy. It will pass.” The half elven Lord tried to look casually at his golden haired friend, who looked at him and then back at Erestor without being able to form any words. “I did not think you were going to be able to join us after your activities last night… But once again you proved me wrong.” He smiled mockingly. “I would advice a private place for next time unless you have been expecting an audience that is…” “I… How?” Erestor mumbled felling dizzy; he had not only been with one but with more... “You saw me…” He whispered ashamed as he closed his eyes. “Erestor?” Disbelievingly Glorfindel asked in a whisper. “I do not know… I …” Elrond smiled shaking slightly his head, playing to be amused. “You never mentioned you enjoyed orgies…” “I do not!” Erestor cried with a cracked voice as the tears started to run through his face. “I do not know what happened…I cannot remember!” “I can help you remember…”The Lord of Imladris said cynically as he approached to stand in front of his former lover. “Picture the cheapest whore in Bree surrounded by four lusty immoral elves and then change her image for your own. THAT is a short summary of what I saw. Hope that helps your memory…” He smiled awkwardly and stepped out off the room. Erestor looked at Glorfindel, who was about to speak, and ran out of from the room. He could hear the blond eldar calling his name worriedly but he could not come back. He could not answer questions about something he could not remember. He ran and ran until he fell onto the dirt of the riverbank after slipping his foot over a rock and losing his balance. His forehead sank in the mud, and there he cried miserably for hours until thick droplets of rain started to hit him on his back and all around him. He sat and looked around him, there was no place to refuge from the storm and he was too far away from the house to try to go back. He needed to talk to Elrond, to try to explain something… If maybe he pointed the ones that were with him, he might be able to remember... Or to interrogate them about the facts of the entire night… The chief advisor of Imladris stood and walked towards the waterfall. Jumping over the slippery rocks, he entered a small cavern he had spotted behind the increasing curtain of water. He needed to talk to his beloved; he needed to tell him he was the only one in his heart that he would never hurt that way… But he had, for his own pain spoke of the events he had been involved in… But why and how had he come to that? Had those elves gotten him drunk? Erestor sighed in frustration. He had made love before after drinking large quantities of alcohol and yet in the morning he had been able to remember his beloved’s touch… His beloved who now thought of him as no more than a cheap whore… TBC… To Lose thyself Chapter: (4/?) Author: Celebrian. Pairing: Elrond/ Erestor, Erestor/ Rumil, Erestor/ ? & Glorfindel/ Haldir . (Tiny little bit of Elrond/ Celebrian.) Rating: NC17. (Mature readers only) Summary: What happened to Elrond´s & Erestor´s dreamy relationship when the Lord of Imladris married Celebrian?. Disclaimer: I don’t own them :o( But they all live in my mind. Warnings: Angst, non consensual sex situation (Rape) and suicidal tendencies/ thoughts. Author’s notes: Prequel to Falling into temptation. – I might add another short story in the middle of this two, but I am not sure yet -- -@- Elladan and Elrohir were not born yet. .-@- Elvish Translations: Amin mela lle: I love you. // Amin mela lle beika, Mela en´ coiamin: I love you too, love of my life // A´maelarain: Beloved.// Anor: Sun.// Ithil: Moon. Feedback makes muses happy. Happy muses make happy authors, happy authors write faster… ;o) * * Special Thanks to Betas Emerald, Elaine & Gabriel * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Glorfindel knocked on Elrond´s bedroom door and hurried in as soon as he was beckoned. Elrond was looking distractedly at the horizon beyond the heavy screen of rain between his eyes and the distant imaginary line. “Erestor has not come back…” Glorfindel stated, worried. “He will. His lovers are here…” Elrond assured heavily despite his efforts to sound uncaring. “Are you sure he…” Glorfindel stopped speaking his thoughts as the Lord of Imladris turned crossly to face him. “I know what I saw Glorfindel!” The half-elf tried to control the tone of his voice, although he could not manage not to sound annoyed at the fact that his friend considered he had mistaken Erestor´s deeds, as if it were easy to misunderstand seeing your lover’s penis in another’s mouth. “One was taking him from behind; another sucked his shaft and the two left worked on his nipples. Does the picture leave any reason for a doubt?” “Maybe he was drunk…” “I should be the one trying to find a believable excuse for his acts Glorfindel. Not you. I should be the one trying to invent a plausible excuse to justify the unbearable pain in my chest that barely allows me to breathe, but I do not, because I know there is none…” Elrond approached Glorfindel and looked at him. “I SAW him…” The blond eldar sighed. Something did not fit in the entire scene. Why would Erestor suddenly participate in an orgy if he had not touched a soul since Elrond married Celebrian… Why now? He wondered over and over. “You still have doubts…” Elrond said exasperated as he pulled back from the eldar´s gaze. “Sometimes I think you are too naïve my friend… I wish I could be more like you.” “It has nothing to do with been naïve…” Glorfindel talked quietly, yet the tone of his voice warned the Lord of Imladris not to repeat the attitude he had used. “I only do not understand why now. Why has he decided to take four lovers at the same time when he has remained untouched since he found out about your engagement?” “Maybe he WAS drunk… I do not know… And frankly I do not care…” Glorfindel opened the door after a soft knock to find Celebrian waiting patiently outside. “Celebrian. Please come in.” Elrond asked courteously. “Can you leave us alone Glorfindel? Thank you.” He said after Glorfindel´s faint nod. “I only wanted to see how you were. I got very worried last night. And this morning you did not appear for breakfast. Has something happened?” She asked extremely concerned. “Yes… But I do not wish to discuss it now. I need to apologize for the way I behaved last night and I know I must have worried you…” “You did My Lord.” “I apologize. I was not myself…” “Are you feeling better now? Is there something I can do?” “I am afraid not my Lady…” He stated sadly yet politely. “If this is all about me…”She started to speak her line of thinking and stopped to consider her words for some moments. “I insist I talk to him. I can not bear to see you hurt… I do not want to be the cause of your unhappiness… Nor his…” “The pain in my heart could once have had something to do with our bond. But now it has turned into something more.” Elrond agreed sadly with the silvery haired Lady. “I have finally lost everything…” He whispered to himself. “Do not say that…” Celebrian whispered soothingly as she approached to pet Elrond´s back, making him turn to face her. “You have not lost everything. I do not know what is making you believe so, but it is not truth. You still have me. I am your friend and eventually I will be the mother of your children… YOU will have a family. So do not consider you have lost everything. Think you might have lost some to gain even more…” “Your counsel is wise to my thinking, though my heart can not see it the same way.” “It is still grieving… You should let it weep for as long as it need to… But eventually you will have to start thinking of yourself and the future of your people. These lands would disappear in less than a round of the sun without your ruling.” The Lórien Lady softly placed her right hand on Elrond´s heart “You will be happy again… I promise…” * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The following day Erestor knocked on Elrond´s private chamber’s door and waited impatiently for him to answer. The sun was still hiding and the clouds might not allow it to shine in full light, but it was struggling to rise and take its important place in the sky. The hallway where he was standing was dark, as the storm’s draughts of air had put the candles’ lights out. Erestor had hurried to get himself decent enough to come to see his beloved. Although it had only taken him half an hour to take a quick bath to remove the mud from his body, it had seemed an eternity to his heart. And now he was waiting in the door he once crossed without the need for permission… The door made the usual creak Erestor remembered. And he looked up from his feet to face the still angry Lord of Imladris inquiring silently what he was doing there at that hour of the morning… “I need to talk to you…” Erestor pleaded. “I have nothing to discuss with you Erestor, much less at this improper time...” Elrond barked coldly. “I am sorry if I woke you, but I do need to explain…” “Explain? You remembered, then?” The Lord of the house interrupted, amused as he crossed his arms around his chest showing his aloofness. “No… I …” “Then what are you planning on explaining Erestor? There is not much explanation for what I saw, nor would I like to hear it if there was. Now I want to try to go back to sleep even if it is for half an hour. And I recommend you to do the same. You are expected to appear at the morning council. ON TIME!” Without paying attention to his heartbroken lover, Elrond closed the door on Erestor´s face and headed to his bed where he dropped himself heavily. “I love you…” The Noldor elf mumbled to the closed door, crying softly, and after the few seconds that took him to think relatively clearly he went to his own room. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Erestor did not appear for breakfast, and he could hear Elrond´s annoyed bark from a distance as he was heading to the study with Glorfindel for the morning council. “I do not want to discuss this topic anymore Glorfindel. He can sleep with as many as he wants, for I will never be able to touch him again after what I saw. Not even the worst of the whores would allow herself to be treated that way!” The chief’s advisor breath caught up in his throat as he heard those angry derogatory words coming from his lover. He did consider him filthy scum… He felt so disgusted he did not want to lay a hand… “What are you doing here Erestor?” Rumil asked softly, obviously aware of the secrecy of the chief advisor’s presence in the room next to the one the other elves were speaking. “Eh…” The dark haired elven Lord could not find his vocal chords or a good excuse for his lame peeping actions. He was listening through the walls shamelessly. His mind was crowded by the sudden flashes of his beloved’s tender touch, reminding him of what Elrond would never be able to give him again. He started to cry. A soft hand came to rest on his cheek and petted it tenderly while wiping the tears away. The tenderness of the touch made Erestor tremble while his skin remembered what he had not have in a long time and now never would again… His face sought desperately for the warm, feathery like, soothing fingers brushing against his skin. He closed his eyes trying to forget about his life. The dark haired elf’s arm encircled swiftly around Rumil´s slim waist, pulling the blond elf to his body. Erestor trembled as the warm figure came to rest against his own, long arms rounded his neck pulling him into even greater contact, whilst the long pale fingers tangled in his dark untidy locks. Soft kisses started to trace their way down from his ear to the base of his neck and there, the faint bite made him moan weakly. His face moved politely away as the line of kisses headed for his lips and, seeming to understand Erestor´s choice to avoid the tender ministrations to be inflicted upon his alluring lips, it trailed down once again following down from the rushing pulse to the half open shirt. Erestor´s body leaned heavily against the wall as Rumil´s hands moved from his waist line to the opening of his pants. His hips bucked instinctively forward as one warm hand cupped his groin in it. His breathing became louder as the hungry touch rubbed regularly against his arousal, and after a few teasing moments he felt his pants been pulled completely open releasing his erection to the cold air of the fall morning. The dark haired elf looked down between fluttering eyelashes and the image almost undid him, the long pale fingers were stroking rhythmically his need harder and harder, he could not hold back a throaty moan. Rumil smiled with accomplishment and as if in slow motion, knelt in front the chief advisor of Imladris. Erestor´s eyes shut closed as the warm wet cavity took his need deeply into the blond elf’s throat. His hands instantly tangled in the silvery locks to guide the other to a pleasant steady rhythm and moaning louder than he meant to, he came into Rumil´s eager mouth. “Are you planning on joining us now?” The irritated roar asked from the side entrance. “Or are you planning on having a second round?” “No…I will be right there…” Erestor panted, grinning cynically. “Unless you want to join us that is…” He could not help but to laugh heartily at the outraged fuming look on his beloved’s features. The Lord of Imladris inhaled deeply and gathering his fury, decided to leave the room before he lost the little self control he had left. He never thought himself able to hurt Erestor but since the previous night the only thing he had in mind was to hit him as hard as he could… * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The meeting passed swiftly, and somehow Erestor felt a little better as he noticed Elrond´s annoyance with what he had witnessed. He was not sure why though. Glorfindel, instead had been looking at him with concerned, caring eyes… Now evening fell and Erestor was heading to the dinning room where dinner was about to be served, when he heard someone calling his name. “Rumil?” He asked puzzled as he approached the entrance of a dark, hidden garden inside the house. “Did you have any trouble with Lord Elrond? He looked angry.” He whispered. “Do not worry about that… What are you doing here?” “Haldir has just left. I was talking to him. Actually, HE was talking to me…” The blond young elf stated a little annoyed. “Ah, I was starting to think you had hidden from Elrond here…” Erestor teased softly, “What did Haldir tell you for you to look so gloomy?” Erestor asked tenderly while pulling a stray braid out of Rumil´s sight. “I was hiding from Lord Elrond too…” Rumil declared shyly trying to make Erestor forget about the conversation he had recently had with his older brother. Erestor nodded, smiling with amusement at the younger elf’s comment; and since his mind was still clouded with lots of things he did forget about his earlier question. “He will say nothing to you. Do not worry… Are you hungry? I was going to eat something in one of the gardens. Would you like to join me?” “Yes.” The blond elf smiled broadly. He was famished, but for nothing in the face of Arda would he have dared to show up for dinner that night. “Let us go get some food then. Come.” Erestor offered his hand to the younger elf still sitting in the stone bench and when he rose, they headed to the kitchen. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * It was late; Erestor had managed to relieve himself of his torturing constant thinking with the enjoyable company of the young Galadhrim. But it had only lasted a few hours. Now that he was heading to his room, to actually lie on his bed and stare at the ceiling of his room, his ghosts started to attack him again, if possible with even more power… He sighed deeply due to his frustration, but suddenly for the fist time in years he did not want to run to Elrond´s arms… In fact he did not even want to cross with the Lord of Imladris… The dark haired elf entered his darkened suite and approached one of the main chandeliers to light some candles. “I do not want to see you near him again…” The forbidding voice stated icily making Erestor jump in surprise. “Haldir? What are you doing in my private chambers?” The dark haired elf asked outraged as the other walked closer to the recently lit candles. “He is in love with you. And you will only hurt him.” The blond elf waited for a retort he knew he would never get. “You will never give him what he wants. So do not tease him with a lie.” “I have never promised anything.” Erestor managed to say, looking away from the piercing glance. “You can not love him. In fact you are not able to love anybody in your condition. So let him be.” With these last words Haldir vanished from Erestor´s sight. Breathing deeply, the dark haired elf realized he was lonely… He had been banished from his circle of friends… And the only one who had showed a tender word of comfort had been reasonably denied to him. For much as it pained his heart at this moment he decided he would bear this burden alone. He had already committed a big mistake allowing Rumil to get that close to him. He knew the young Galadhrim kept special feelings for him, yet in the middle of his pain Erestor forgot about them, forgot about avoiding the future pain he would cause the other… He inhaled deeply again and stared at his untouched bed for some seconds before he stormed out of his room, heading to the quarters in which the soldiers gathered during the nights. TBC… To Lose thyself Chapter: (5/?) Author: Celebrian. Pairing: Elrond/ Erestor, Erestor/ Rumil, Erestor/ ? & Glorfindel/ Haldir . (Tiny little bit of Elrond/ Celebrian.) Rating: NC17. (Mature readers only) Summary: What happened to Elrond´s & Erestor´s dreamy relationship when the Lord of Imladris married Celebrian?. Disclaimer: I don’t own them :o( But they all live in my mind. Warnings: Angst, non consensual sex situation (Rape) and suicidal tendencies/ thoughts. Author’s notes: Prequel to Falling into temptation. – I might add another short story in the middle of this two, but I am not sure yet -- -@- Elladan and Elrohir were not born yet. .-@- Elvish Translations: Amin mela lle: I love you. // Amin mela lle beika, Mela en´ coiamin: I love you too, love of my life // A´maelarain: Beloved.// Anor: Sun.// Ithil: Moon. Feedback makes muses happy. Happy muses make happy authors, happy authors write faster… ;o) * * Special Thanks to Betas Emerald, Elaine, Gabriel & Anu * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * A week later Erestor was coming back to the house through the gardens. It was not easy to avoid Elrond, Glorfindel, Rumil, Haldir, and Lindir… Well, actually, he tried to avoid everyone he knew. He could not stand that inquiring look everybody gave him as soon as they noticed him entering a room. He frowned as he heard a familiar giggle from not far away. * Celebrian. The last thing I needed today*. “Erestor…” Celebrian sang playfully happy from where she was sitting under a bower. The dark haired Lord turned to face the silver haired Lady grinning at him arrogantly. There was not way to avoid her. “My Lady” “Please. Come; keep me company for a while.” She asked politely while showing an empty seat in front of hers. “I am sorry but I am in a hurry” He tried to sound civil but he was aware of the tint of hate shading his voice. “Ah! It will not be necessary after all…” Celebrian smiled accomplished as she saw her husband approaching to them. “I would invite you to share tea with us but I have the strong feeling you will decline my offer” the mocking voice trailed off as the Lord of the house was coming closer. “My dear husband, I thought you were going to make me go look for you” “I am sorry I kept you waiting.” He smiled politely to her and then with a completely transformed face looked at Erestor almost menacingly. “Some of your chores are still undone. And some are from yesterday. Do you think you will be able to stop frolicking around the soldier’s quarters and the guest rooms for the rest of the day? You might be able to finish them.” “I do not think so. No… But I promise you. I will do my best.” Grinning mockingly Erestor left with out even looking back to enjoy the fuming expression on his Lord’s face. He could hear Celebrian asking Elrond not to worry as he walked away them… As he was climbing the stairs Erestor spotted Glorfindel sitting on Elrond’s small balcony. He was reading some parchments. He sighed as the blond elf saw him too. He could not escape now. At least he could not make a polite exit, and Glorfindel certainly did not deserve any other sort… Erestor needed not to worry his friend even more than he already was. “What are you doing Glorfindel?” Erestor asked his friend as he leaned on the rail of the balcony. “Reading some petitions from other lands.” The golden haired eldar announced dimly as he spared himself a moment to rub his eyes. “Should not Elrond be doing that?” The younger elf Lord could notice the weariness in his friend’s eyes and voice as clearly as if he was looking to a rock at the bottom of a pond filled with pure, crystalline water. “It seems he is busy…” Glorfindel stated smiling faintly. “You are tired... You should tell him to help you. He is the Lord of this Lands and he should be taking care of that”. “He is not feeling well. He needs to clear his mind.” The elder elf declared calmly. “He should not rely on you to fulfil the responsibility of keeping the entire valley running smoothly.” “Well, he is having a difficult time and I am trying to help the best I can… But paper work it is not the main reason I feel so weary.” The blond elf sighed sorrowfully. “My main concern is that I believe I do not know my two best friends anymore. Elrond is terribly irritable. And you… you avoid me every time we cross paths. Neither of you will tell me how I can help you and THAT troubles me deeply. I can not bear see you two suffering the way you are.” “You need not to trouble yourself for me my friend. I am well…” Erestor muttered, not even trying to convince himself about his supposedly reassuring statement. “I know you and I can see you are not well.” Glorfindel sighed once again as the dark haired elf looked away painfully. “I know you are not well. No one would be if they were doing what you do”. The blond eldar spoke, calmly trying not to set the internal warning alarm in Erestor´s heart which would make the other aware that someone still cared about him. Only someone who believed himself to deserve nothing would have chosen the kind of life Erestor was starting to live, and Glorfindel was sure Erestor thought that he was not worthy of love or caring. The golden haired eldar would daresay the other was also starting to consider himself unworthy of his own life. That is why he was drifting away and away from the ones who cared about him. Because they would stop him from hurting himself. Elrond did not help either, treating his former lover worse with every second that passed. “I do nothing the others do not…” Erestor chided like an annoyed child. “YOU are not others and you are not sleeping with all those elves because of sex, like they might do... You are doing it to forget and escape your problems.” Glorfindel stood from he was sitting and, after putting down the parchments he was reading, stood close to the dark haired elf that moved slightly away as if he was in some kind of danger. “I do not know what happened to make you act this way but I do know that THIS Erestor...” The younger elf Lord closed his eyes momentarily as the tender, caring hand came to rest on his cold cheek. “Is not who you are.” Erestor´s internal alarm warned him and forced him to back off, breaking the tender contact. “I do not know who I am anymore! Maybe THIS is me and the other was a mere fool. At least now I will not get hurt like I did…” Erestor´s voice trailed off quickly as he asked himself where had that come from? Recognizing to himself that he was hurt was NOT the same as speaking it out loud. Much less confessing it to Elrond’s best friend… Erestor trusted Glorfindel but he had also trusted Elrond… “To not be loved might be more painful than being loved.” The elder elf interrupted the other’s thinking. “You will not be able to bear a life like the one you are trying to live…” “You will not even spare my friend, would you?” Elrond barked as he climbed up to the same level Glorfindel and Erestor were on, talking. “Elrond!” Glorfindel admonished, raising slightly the tone of his voice. “You should consider moving to Bree. I am sure your NEW lifestyle will pass unnoticed there…” The Lord of Imladris grinned evilly as he saw the pain in Erestor´s eyes. But that pain only lasted a fraction of a second until Erestor´s eyes tinted with anger, an anger that chilled Elrond’s soul. An anger that will not be easily lifted from those now inexpressive blue eyes he had once so much loved. “I might consider that idea My Lord. When I had tasted the whole pleasures the valley can offer me.” Grinning cynically Erestor pierced coldly Elrond with his eyes. “Now if you excuse me I have to go find someone to share my bed with this night…” Glorfindel looked angrily at Elrond and for the first time since he had met the half-elf, he felt he was about to yell at him, but instead he managed to sound angry enough for Elrond to look puzzled at him. “I do not know what are you trying to do but THIS is not the way to go about it. Why do you push him like this? You KNOW he will act worse if he believes YOU consider him…” “A WHORE?” Elrond asked, interrupting the other’s speaking while arching an eyebrow to remark his words before he smiled mockingly. “But I do consider him so… I would be a hypocrite if I hid my thinking, would I not?” “Are you not one already?” Glorfindel asked in retort as he crossed his arms over his chest to wait for an answer that never came. Instead the Lord of the house kept eye contact defiantly with him. “You are the one hiding your real feelings from yourself and there is no worst hypocrite than one who lies to his own heart.” Elrond looked at his golden haired friend enraged, as Glorfindel did not relinquish his staring. “I do NOT hide from my feelings. I certainly could not care less about his life! He can fuck whoever and what ever he wants! AND I WILL NOT CARE!” Elrond roared, not able to control his anger. “Then why are you so angry and upset?!” Glorfindel retorted evenly, keeping a similar tone of voice, yet not yelling. “Because YOU, are continuously trying to talk about him when I have CLEARLY told you I DO NOT CARE about him!” “You will never stop caring about Erestor. You might not be able to see that now. But I do. I witnessed what you two had and that kind of bond is not easy to find. So if you want to keep lying to yourself, go ahead. But do not ask ME to sit with my arms crossed as I see the only two elves I care about destroying their lives in the way you are doing it!” Enraged Glorfindel stormed furiously off the balcony, leaving a livid Elrond behind. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Erestor headed to the stables, practically running to get his mare and not paying attention to the ones who looked at him puzzled. “Erestor!” The voice called for him firmly making him turn in his place. “You left while I was asleep…” “I had things to do…But now that I have finished them…” Erestor started to say with a husky voice. “Now… We can finish what we started”. His dark lusty eyes stared into the other elf’s. He smiled, accomplished as the other trembled noticeably despite his efforts not to do so. The chief advisor of Imladris cornered the other against the wooden door, not caring about the public that pretended not to be paying attention to the scene they were witnessing. His body pressed hard against the other’s until he found himself briskly pulled inside an empty stall. He felt rough uncaring hands worked free his erect penis and the cold fingers stroked him almost painfully. Erestor closed his eyes tightly while whimpering under an uncomfortable mix of pain and pleasure. It was too rough, but biting his lower lip he forced himself not to say a word. Suddenly his body was uncaringly thrown across the short wooden wall. His pants were yanked down, probably ripped, his face buried in his arms clinging from the edge of the wall, until an abrupt agonizing pain made him cry out loud. With that Erestor managed to get the attention of the ones who were actually not watching the show. And between held back tears he could see as the greater part of the working elves left the place with a revolted expression on their faces. Despite the dreadful, uncaring impaling of the other’s member in his body Erestor smiled to himself. He had managed to sicken almost everybody in the stable. THIS was NOW him! “I will give you a real reason…” He muttered between clenched teeth. “I will give you more than one…” He held himself steady from the edge of the insecure wall as the other elf came inside him with a deep throaty moan. Erestor felt sick. Yet he grinned with accomplishment. If Elrond had decided to hate him and feel disgusted about him, the chief advisor of Imladris decided he would definitely give his former lover a good reason to feel the repulsion he felt… Somehow Glorfindel´s words came to his mind…But at this point Erestor did not care if he would be able to bear a life like this one or not… in fact he did not care… * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Celebrian entered her husband’s study and, without being noticed, she filled two goblets with wine. Quietly she walked to Elrond’s side. “This might help you forget.” She stated as she offered the full glass. “Thank you…” The Lord of Imladris drank a sip of the glass’s content and looked absentminded away, through the window. “Have you argued with him?” She asked softly, as if wishing to entrance him. “No.” “I would like to see you forget about him. He does not deserve to be the owner of your heart. He obviously did not know to appreciate the beautiful gift you made him…” “I can not forget all I have felt. And for as much I try I still …” Elrond swallowed hard not wanting to speak his feelings out loud. . “I wish I could stop feeling like I do. All this is… too much pain… I …will not be able to handle it…” after confessing his heart to his wife, between gasps, he finally dared look at her. As if waiting for a magical solution or magical advice which could stop the pain in his heart. “I do know what to do, or say. All I have to offer you is my love. But for that you first have to let me in your heart. I know I will not be able to take Erestor´s place in it. But… I will NEVER be able to hurt you like he did.” Celebrian stated most tenderly, as her hand rose to pet Elrond´s pale cheek. “I will take care of you.” Her body came to be closer in front of Elrond´s as she clung feather-like from the Lord of Imladris´ neck, her breasts barely teasing the other’s senses. Her lips brushed against Elrond´s, barely touching them. A smile of accomplishment was born on her face when the other closed his eyes to enjoy the soft ministration inflicted upon him. Leaning forward again she kissed him. This time allowing more contact until her mouth was finally covered by her husbands. Elrond pulled her slim body to his own as his arms circled her waist. The kisses grew more desperate, their hands running all over their bodies… “Let us … go to my bed…” She managed to gasp between kisses and the extremely distracting hand cupping one of her breasts. “Please…” Elrond looked at her with lusty eyes and nodded vaguely. He was aroused but he was not sure he wanted to go to bed with her. Yet… he started to let her guide him out off the study and towards her private chambers. Perhaps, he thought, this will help him forget… And after all, sooner or later he would *have* to sleep with her. Heirs were needed and *that* had been the only reason for their marriage. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Glorfindel sighed as he closed the book in his lap. He was too tired and crowded minded, to read it. He felt as if he was living in a parallel world. What had happened to the ones he thought he knew? Both his friends were incapable of hurting a fly, yet they were hurting each other as if it was some sort of contest they needed to win. Vainly, Glorfindel had tried for the past days, to reason with Elrond and Erestor, but a rock would have been more open minded to his advice than those stubborn elves. The blond eldar was aware that Elrond had seen his lover having sex with others but the golden haired elf was sure something had happened. Erestor was in love with Elrond and what had happened, just, did not make any sense. Tired and defeated due his constant thinking, Glorfindel sighed heavily. He was feeling tired, the managing of practically the entire house was starting to take it’s toll on his body, and dealing with the new personalities of his dark haired friends exhausted him, even more than he could imagine. He was feeling tired… and lonely… All this seemed a shared nightmare from which none of them was able to wake. A nightmare; in which, each one of them lived a different reality. He ran his right hand along his skull after rubbing his forehead insistently while a muffled complaint escape his lips as he moved his head to one side. A pair of hands placed on his tense shoulders made him painfully snap his head back, to face the intruder of his privacy. “You look weary Glorfindel.” Haldir stated as he stroked rhythmically the elder’s shoulders. “Look forward.” The guardian of Lórien ordered, smiling at the outraged face staring at him. He could not help but smirk when silently the other complied. “You are awfully tense. I can not imagine what can be troubling you this much” The silver haired elf purred never stopping the even movements of his hands. “I do not think anyone can”. The Imladris Lord muttered as he closed his eyes surrendering to the pleasurable movements of the other’s massage. It had been a long time since he felt another’s touch… Glorfindel moaned faintly as the relaxing ministrations to his tensed shoulders started to have the expected effect and his body moved, instinctively seeking greater contact with the alluring touch. One of Haldir´s hands slowly started to slide across his chest to end up resting on one of his erect nipples, over the thin fabric of his shirt whilst a warm mouth captured his ear, nibbling it fervently before whispering nonsense to his now rushing pulse. Glorfindel´s head moved to the opposite side from where the pleasurable taunt came, allowing better access to his pale and alluring neck. Haldir gave a soft provoking bite to the moon-like flesh and rounded the chair to end up kneeling between Glorfindel´s parted and inviting legs. The golden haired eldar managed to see the Lórien elf working his pants open and in the fraction of a second the other’s mouth was moving against him. His body quivered as the warm cavity took him fully into Haldir´s throat. Holding himself steady from the arms of his chair Glorfindel growled as the pace increased until it suddenly stopped. When he opened his eyes he saw Haldir grinning wickedly at him. He wanted more than that... Glorfindel rose from his seat, and tugging his pants closed ordered steadily for Haldir, to follow him. They went to his room and there the golden haired elf removed his shirt. Between half open eyelids he could see the other staring at him lustily. Not precisely what Glorfindel looked for, in a lover’s eyes. Love was not an easy thing to find, but at least he liked to see a caring glimpse mixed with the obvious lust of the moment, which Haldir´s did not have… His usual random lovers were not near Imladris… so he decided to settle with only lust for this night… “And I thought you were going to show some resistance…” The Galadhrim mused as he approached to stand in front of the other elf, waiting for his move. “You would have enjoyed that…” “Indeed I would. But either way I had to have you…” The guardian of Lórien stated as he ran his hand across Glorfindel´s chest muscles. “You only chose the easy one…” “Are you planning on talking much longer?” “My… Are we in a hurry tonight… You surprise me Glorfindel…” Haldir laughed as he turned around to walk to the window. “Now that I consider the entire situation, I think… I would like to…” His voice trailed dramatically off as a strong arm encircled his chest from under his own and a confident hand cupped his arousal. The strong grip held him steady pressing in the middle of his chest, as the other hand rubbed tauntingly his aroused member through the too thick fabric. Haldir could feel the other’s erratic breathing playing on his neck, teasing him… Despite the fact, that he had not wanted to surrender so easily his head fell back to rest on Glorfindel´s shoulder. “And I thought you were going to show some resistance…” The Imladris elf mocked as Haldir moaned loudly, fluttering his eyelashes. Glorfindel grin when a loud restricted ‘Ahhh…’ managed to escape Haldir´s throat. “I can tease too Haldir. I can make you plead if I want.” A playful smirk formed on his lips as the Lórien elf could do nothing but tremble in his arms. “Do you want me to make you plead?” Glorfindel purred with a husky voice to the other’s ear. The Lórien guard closed his eyes as the soft whisper of the blond eldar collided with his flushed ear. Did he want to beg Glorfindel for his touch? He had never before had to beg. Did he want to? He was shivering in the ancient elf’s arms like he had never done before… But suddenly he found enough strength to turn around in the strong grip. He looked into Glorfindel´s darkened eyes and grinned. “You will not… You want me to take you…” “Indeed. I do. But I will make you cry out with need if you dare try to tease me again tonight.” Haldir trembled hard at the promising yet confusing words. Glorfindel´s warning had been real… And he knew the elven Lord would accomplish it. He stared into Glorfindel´s inquiring eyes and after some seconds dropped his head to suck the other’s nipples making Glorfindel twist in his grip. Haldir smiled, perhaps relieved, he had all under his control once again. At least that was what he wanted to believe. He yanked open Glorfindel´s pants once more and slid his hand into them. He steadily rubbed the hard erection while the Imladris Lord kicked the discarded trousers off his feet. Swift, skilful hands untied his own pants, letting them fall to the floor. The guardian of Lórien pulled the one in his arms almost clumsily to the bed. And with this action he wondered where all his need came from… Lying on top of the other, Haldir opened a small bottle which was waiting in his hand. He had managed to pull it out of his pocket before the fabric came to end disregarded on the stone floor. Glorfindel closed his eyes as Haldir´s member impaled and penetrated him with one swift move. His hands clenched the bed covers as hard as they could until the other hit that special spot which would lead him to the ecstasy of release. It did not take them long to find it so. Glorfindel´s trigger was the other’s body brushing against his awakened flesh, and Haldir´s was the eldar´s sounds… After a few seconds the Lórien guardian rolled off Glorfindel´s body, still panting for air. Resting one of his hands on his agitated chest, he looked at the one lying next to him. And wondered how it would have been if he had had enough courage to surrender… A few moments later Haldir leapt from the bed, making Glorfindel turn to see him as he picked up his clothes from the floor and slipped his naked body into them. “You did not think I was going to hold you in your sleep, did you?” The guardian of Lórien mocked the one staring at him while pulling his pants up. “I would have never expected that from you.” The Imladris elf stated as his gaze changed to the ceiling above his bed. “It relieves my heart to hear that…” Haldir laughed softly before he hurriedly left the room. TBC… To Lose thyself Chapter: (6/12) Author: Celebrian. Pairing: Elrond/ Erestor, Erestor/ Rumil, Erestor/ ? & Glorfindel/ Haldir . (Tiny little bit of Elrond/ Celebrian.) Rating: NC17. (Mature readers only) Summary: What happened to Elrond´s & Erestor´s dreamy relationship when the Lord of Imladris married Celebrian?. Disclaimer: I don’t own them :o( But they all live in my mind. Warnings: Angst, non consensual sex situation (Rape) and suicidal tendencies/ thoughts. Author’s notes: Prequel to Falling into temptation. – I might add another short story in the middle of this two, but I am not sure yet -- -@- Elladan and Elrohir were not born yet. .-@- Elvish Translations: Amin mela lle: I love you. // Amin mela lle beika, Mela en´ coiamin: I love you too, love of my life // A´maelarain: Beloved.// Anor: Sun.// Ithil: Moon. Feedback makes muses happy. Happy muses make happy authors, happy authors write faster… ;o) * * Special Thanks to Betas Elaine, Anu & Ania :o) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * In the morning after breakfast everybody who was gathered for the council were leaving to start with their daily chores. Erestor had been the first to leave, followed by Haldir and Rumil. Elrond clenched his fist as the image of Erestor´s cock sliding in and out of the youngest Lórien guardian came to his mind mixed with the one of the orgy he had accidentally witnessed. Why could he not stop feeling this way? Why did those images kept torturing him this way? His gaze came to rest on his long time friend tidying up some papers on the main strategies table. Something was not right with Glorfindel today… He had been quiet for most part of the council, not to mention distracted…and that was very unlikely conduct for him. “Are you feeling well?” The Lord of Imladris asked as he approached the blond elf. “Yes. Only tired.” “Why do I have the feeling you are lying to me?” Elrond asked in a friendly tone, as if trying to throw down the icy wall that had been constructed between them the previous day with their fight. “Because I am…” Glorfindel said, chuckling to himself. “There is something I can do to help you? Besides saying that I am sorry for my behaviour yesterday?” “No… I am afraid you are not” Glorfindel smiled wearily at his half- elven friend and went back to ordering the papers. “I am tired. Elrond… I am tired of seeing you and Erestor hurting each other, I am tired of not knowing either of you any more… And I deeply regret…” His voice suddenly trailed off and his gaze, which he had raised to momentarily face Elrond, went back to the papers. “What is that you regret?” The Lord of the house asked concerned for the pain in the other’s eyes. “Never mind… The fact is that the only family I know is disintegrating…and I find myself unable to do anything to stop it. The worst is that I know how things are going to end…” Glorfindel knew that both Erestor and Elrond would not last for long with out each other’s affection. Their hearts were broken and no elf was able to survive a broken heart, no matter how much they tried to hide that fact… Elrond swallowed hard. He knew Glorfindel was right, it was of no use to fool himself and try to believe he was going to be able to handle the situation… He was sure that a few more times of seeing his still loved one in any arms but his own would finally take him to Mandos Halls. But it had been enough for him and this problem that haunted him had no solution. Maybe his blond friend had… “What is that you regret?” Elrond asked again as he searched the mental images in his head since he first saw his friend in the dawn…and sighed “You regret that you slept with Haldir?” He finally plainly asked, knowing by both elves actions there was little scope for error in his assumption. “Yes. I … the only reason I found plausible last night vanished completely from the reasonable side of my thinking …and something within myself tells me that I will regret it even more in the future… I … can not explain… the feeling” “You do not have to. I know how it feels.” “Honestly, I do not know how Erestor manages to handle this …empty feeling remaining in yourself after having sex with someone you do not care about…” “I do not wish to speak of Erestor nor now, nor ever, Glorfindel. I am tired of that topic. I cannot justify what he did… Hard as I try I can not. And believe me; I DO try more than I would ever like to admit…” Elrond stated, waving his hands faintly as he walked to the little table which held the wine and the goblets to serve it. Three were usually left there for the nights on which Erestor, Glorfindel and himself used to stay late, discussing the affairs of the city or merely frivolously talking … One was missing. He searched the entire study visually and found nothing. Then, paying no more attention to the triviality his mind had managed to waver, the Lord of Imladris poured the sweet scented liquid into the transparent receptacles. “Something is not right with this situation, Elrond. I do not know what, but I can sense it. Only someone who hates himself would be doing that to his soul and body. He is punishing himself…and you”. “Why would he be punishing himself? It does not make sense… And if he is punishing me, he is doing an excellent job… I have tried to reach him before all this madness was unleashed and he did not let me near him… Perhaps he does not want me near him anymore. Have you never considered the fact that he might actually enjoy this… new life of his…?” The half-elven Lord asked painfully. “No one would be able to enjoy a loveless life.” Glorfindel stated to himself as he took one of the offered goblets filled with wine. “He might be punishing you, but do you not think it might be a way to get your attention? Is it not too early to be drinking wine?” He asked, reacting to what he had just drunk unawares. “Mnnn.. Not for me…I will get myself drunk if I cannot rest this night.” Elrond dropped himself gracelessly into one of the chairs next to the window and drank the entire contents of his goblet. “Maybe that will help…” As much as he loved Erestor he also hated him for hurting him the way only he could. And, as much he wanted it, he could not forget what he had seen, nor he could forgive… * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Erestor was heading to the kitchens to get something to eat. It was now a habit to get up practically in the middle of the morning, just in time for a quick bath before attending the counsel when it gathered. “Erestor. Can I speak with you?” Rumil´s soft voice almost pleaded, making the dark haired elf turn, not only to face the loving gaze of the younger Galadhrim but also his brother’s threatening face. It was not necessary for Haldir to speak. It was made perfectly clear to Erestor that he would not allow him, by any chance, to hurt Rumil. “I am in a hurry now.” Erestor stated as the oldest guardian of Lórien left him and his brother alone. “I only want to know why you are avoiding me… It is something I have done?” The chief advisor of the valley sighed at hearing of the young elf’s words. So young and innocent… Looking into those emerald green eyes on the edge of tears Erestor saw the true pain he can cause to the other’s heart and he certainly did not want to hurt Rumil… “I do not understand what I might have done…” The blond elf voice was soft and sweet yet filled with the fear and insecurity of someone who had not been touched… “Rumil…what happened in the Library…” “You wish it had never happened…” came the hurt whisper. “I can not give you what you want…what you *deserve*” “Did Haldir speak to you?!” “No…” Erestor lied believingly, considering it best for the young elf not to know about his brother’s intrusions into his personal affairs... Rumil would certainly need someone to listen to him or at least be with him the following days… Although if the dark haired elf acted before hurting Rumil´s heart, it did not mean that it had not been badly injured and the worst was that Erestor knew that…“Why would he speak to me?” “Well… He…” “Does not want you to be with me?” Waiting for an answer that never came Erestor smiled tenderly. “He is right. You should not” “But…” “Rumil…” Erestor whispered as he came to be in front of the young Galadhrim. “Look at me…” He pleaded in a honeyed voice, cupping the other’s chin for Rumil to meet his gaze. “I will only hurt you Pen- Neth…” “You will not…” “Yes. I will. I am not myself anymore.” Erestor´s face hardened as his own words found a home on his lips. “I will not bother you anymore then…” Pulling away swiftly Rumil whispered. “I am sorry if I ever did…” With that last phrase the young Galadhrim disappeared down the labyrinth of hallways. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * More than half a year had passed and everything in Imladris was running smoothly, everything but the hearts of the ones who ruled her. * * * * * * * * * * * “Ahhh… Harder!” He ordered to the one taking him at that moment. Erestor ´s eyes were closed painfully tight as the other’s cock impaled him mercilessly. He was being taken so hard that he was aware of the ripped muscles within his body. Yet it did not seem to be enough. Lately it never seemed to be enough to make him forget. The pain was now a conscious, constant and unpleasant companion which he was not able to get rid of, even in the few minutes he found his release. His sex rounds had increased in number and frequency as his feelings grew more and more insistent with their torturing. At the beginning, these rounds of uncaring touches seemed to help but now… “Harder!” Now…it was not enough… Nothing was… A loud cry of release came from the one behind him, then he was crushing carelessly into Erestor’s back. After a couple of minutes the other finally moved, allowing him to slip from the bed and into his clothes. “Leaving so soon? I thought we might have a second round!” “I am not in the mood. I will see you tonight” Erestor stated and disappeared as quickly as he had come in the elf’s private rooms. He hurried along the lowest terraces to the public baths. He could not stand the other’s sweat on his body anymore, he wanted to clean himself. On his way he passed over the main garden, Celebrian´s favourite… and there she was… sitting under the bower. Erestor sighed; annoyed as her chidings reached his ears… she was complaining again about, Elbereth knows what this time. Elrond was standing by her side, looking lost somewhere, anywhere, but his wife’s words… She seemed to notice that too… for she snapped the Lord of the house out of his reverie, calling his name demandingly… Probably it would be the best to give up life and finally go to Mandos Halls… Erestor thought to himself. The little, tiny hope he had left vanished completely when Celebrian fell pregnant more than half a year ago. He entered to the main bath house and, pulling his clothes off on the way he sank entirely into the warm water. Several minutes later his head popped up, breathing harshly from the lack of air on his lungs… “I should have stayed down…” He panted, coughing to his only listener, the air. * * * * * * * * * * * Elrond entered the study while unlacing his robe and speaking to himself. After discarding the robe on to one empty cabinets he headed to where the recently filled bottle of wine was waiting for him. “You are drinking too much.” Startled the Lord of Imladris turned to face his friend. “I know…” With two filled goblets Elrond sat clumsily in front of Glorfindel and handed him one. “And, I am making you drink with me.” He bitterly mused before drinking a sip of wine. “It is not the solution.” “There is no solution…And do not dare try to convince me. As you always try to do, to go talk to that… whore…” Sighing, defeated, the blond eldar drank his wine silently. “Are you drunk?” The elder elf asked as he noticed the other’s lethargic motions and detectable slurring whilst talking. “Not yet… Hopefully I will be, within an hour…” The Lord of Imladris stated, pouring more wine into his already empty glass. “You never considered that you might still be this… angry because you still love him?” The golden haired elven- Lord asked matter of factly. “Mnnn… Not again Glorfindel… Can you not spare me a single day with out having to discuss this…?” “Am I interrupting something?” The voice from the door asked. “It is most strange to see *you* here…” Elrond stated dryly, as he managed to accommodate his now tensed body elegantly into the chair. “I’ve come for the letters you wanted me to check…” “Mnnn… Yes…” The Lord of the house stood inelegantly from his chair and headed to his disorderly desk. “Do you think you will have them checked by tomorrow afternoon? Or is it going to interfere with your… daily schedule in attending the entire population of Imladris?” “I will do my best…” Erestor answered, grinning widely. “And do not worry. It will not interfere with my usual activities…” Before Elrond could retort Erestor was out of the room. “I am in love with a whore…” Muttering between his teeth the half-elven Lord sat in his previous chair. “What?” Asked Glorfindel stunned as he pulled his gaze from the fireplace. “I said was in love with a whore…” Elrond muttered once again as if he did not want to repeat his words. “That was not what you said…You said * I AM *…” “I did not…” Elrond stated, outraged, after drinking his wine. “I am afraid you did…” “I know what I said and it was not that. Do you want more wine?” Serving nervously Elrond went on “He is nothing but a whore…” “If that is what you still want to believe…” The golden haired elf muttered tiredly. Elrond and he never agreed on this particular topic… “I will go see that Lindir has everything ready for dinner. I assume you are not going to eat tonight…” Glorfindel´s answer came in a disgusted grimace “Thought so… Well … I will come back later then…” “I do not need you checking on me as if I were…” “You re acting like one…” Glorfindel cut the other’s complaint as if reading the Lord’s of Imladris mind. “I will come back as soon as I am free…” *Yes father… * was what Elrond wanted to add but he did not want to give Glorfindel another reason to bother him, so he just nodded and stared into the blazing fire. Why was his friend obsessed with treating him like if he was 50 years or less? How clear was it that his elder friend did not have to deal with Celebrian´s practically all day chiding, and watching the one who once was the only reason Arda gave you to live for fucking everybody… No one had the smallest idea how it was to be the Lord of this valley… Smirking derogatorily to himself Elrond reached for the bottle of wine. He would certainly be better off if he were but a worker in the stables… He would only have to worry about tending the horses… He would certainly be happier… And he would undoubtedly still be with Erestor… Scratching his head Elrond considered the idea that Erestor would have fallen in love with him if he had been a stable worker back then. After some consideration, and pouring the last contents of the bottle in his goblet he came to the conclusion that Erestor would, indeed, have loved him even if he were but a servant. Elrond sighed at this idea. How much he missed his lover’s tenderness… How could his beloved have managed to became the arrogant, disgusting elf he had became… how could this two different beings live in the same lovely body the half – elven Lord had loved? Annoyed at his own thinking, Elrond rose from his chair and headed to the kitchen. He had run out of wine, and he was still not drunk… TBC… To Lose Thyself Chapter: (3-5/12) Author: Celebrian. e-mail: Celebrian@fibertel.com.ar Pairing: Elrond/ Erestor, Erestor/ Rumil, Erestor/ ? & Glorfindel/ Haldir . (Tiny little bit of Elrond/ Celebrian.) Rating: NC17. (Mature readers only) Summary: What happened to Elrond´s & Erestor´s dreamy relationship when the Lord of Imladris married Celebrian?. Disclaimer: I don’t own them :o( But they all live in my mind. Warnings: Angst, non consensual sex situation (Rape) and suicidal tendencies/ thoughts. Author’s notes: Prequel to Falling into temptation. – I might add another short story in the middle of this two, but I am not sure yet -- -@- Elladan and Elrohir were not born yet. .-@- Elvish Translations: Amin mela lle: I love you. // Amin mela lle beika, Mela en´ coiamin: I love you too, love of my life // A´maelarain: Beloved.// Anor: Sun.// Ithil: Moon. Feedback makes muses happy. Happy muses make happy authors, happy authors write faster… ;o) * * Special Thanks to Betas Elaine, Anu & Ania :o) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Chapter: (3/?) She stood up and quickly headed for the balcony entrance where four young elves were carefully hiding from any possible viewer. “He is ready.” She stated and with no further words, the elves rushed into the room to pick up the unconscious body. “He seems dead.” The younger one worried out loud. “Are you having second thoughts? I remind you and the rest of you that you need to do exactly as I told you to do, to receive the rest of your payment. Not to mention that if you do not do this little favour to me I might remember the ones I saw hunting within the borders of the city…” “You need not to worry my Lady. My brother is young and he frightens easily. We will do as we have agreed, in fact I think we will enjoy doing it…” The one who seemed to have the definitive word stated as he ran an exploring finger over Erestor´s inert features. “He is indeed alluring.” “I do not care if you enjoy it or not. I only want you to do exactly as I ordered you to. No less!” “Then we can do more…”. The same blond elf mused wickedly out loud. “Take him.” He ordered at the ones holding Erestor´s dead-like body. “Give us half an hour to prepare ourselves…” He grinned wickedly and left after his friends, leaving Celebrian alone in the study. She went to pick up the glass shards scattered all over the carpet and in the process she cut one of her fingers. Once she had managed to pick up every little piece of crystal, she headed to find her husband. Luckily she found him rapidly staring into the back gardens of the house. “My Lord? Are you still searching for your beloved? Has he not appeared yet?” Celebrian´s most concerned voice asked pretending to be weary. “No. I am hoping to see him. He enjoys walking around the gardens during the night time.” “I do not think he would be walking under this cruel weather.” She assured as she walked to stand next to Elrond, to stare outside the window of the hallway. “Have you searched inside the house?” “I did.” The Lord of the House stated defeated. “Why do you not try again? You probably crossed each other at some point.” “You might be right.” Elrond sighed heavily. “It is late.” He looked at her puzzled. “What are you doing up at this hours of the night?” “Oh. I was thirsty, and I had no more water in the jar of my room.” She stated smiling broadly. “Come to the kitchen with me. We might find Erestor in the way.” Lingering her arm with her husbands´ Celebrian led the way to the kitchen. * * * * * * * * * * * * Once in the deserted room… “I need something to warm my body. Would you like to have tea with me?” “Yes I could use something warm.” “I will prepare it then. If only I could find where the things are…” She mumbled quietly. “The tea is on that shelf…” Elrond pointed, fighting not to look as far away as he was at that moment. The only recurring thing torturing his mind was Erestor´s disappearance and recent behaviour. “And… I will go get some sugar. The pot is empty.” “Alright” She agreed, sounding indifferent as she looked at him passing the entrance of the small hallway that would lead Elrond to the dispensary. Elrond quickly searched the dark room and found the big sugar container in one of the corners. While filling the small pot he held in his left hand, he got distracted by a distant noise. He recognized the nature of it as soon as he focused his attention on it. It was the unmistakable moaning of sex. It took him a little longer to notice that there were more than two participants. The pot of sugar, seconds ago empty, was now full to the top. And when Elrond was about to leave the room he felt the strange urge to follow the sounds. Something became heavier in his heart; he felt his breathing becoming uneven almost in a pattern with the increasing palpitations of his heart. Why was he so perturbed? He had certainly participated in orgies before and he was also aware that some took place within his household. So why was he feeling the urgency to follow the moaning to it’s source? Without giving himself more time to consider the idea, the Lord of Imladris headed down the corridor which would lead him to the noises´ source. Elrond froze at the image that the small open window revealed to his eyes. His hands clenched wrathfully to the sides of his body and within less than a couple of seconds he found himself storming back the same way he had come. Raging through the kitchen he avoided Celebrian´s puzzled words and left her somewhere behind on the way to his private chambers. The walls holding the doors of his quarters seemed to tremble as the slammed door collided sturdily with its almost identical companion. His clenched hands started to ache and his lips were barely capable of restraining an already formed shout of rage from leaving his lungs. Breathing heavily Elrond found himself throwing one of the glass vessels, accommodated on the nearest table, against the wall. The shattered container fell on to the floor in several pieces while the water that filled it, ran it’s way down the wall in the form of thin transparent lines, the brutally battered flowers fell into the small pool of water formed on the stone floor. Suddenly he found himself stepping down the stairs of his terrace and the last time he focused his mind he found himself at the stables. Taking his mare without answering the worried questions of the young elf in charge, he left with the order to remain silent. He stormed out and forcing the animal to the extreme, he headed to the top of the valley. Dismounting briskly he cried out in frustration to the air over and over, while clenching his hands at the sides of his body. That seemed not to be enough, for his fisted hand hit the trunk of the nearest tree making it shake despite its deep roots. Dry yellowy leaves started to fall around him while his body fell heavily to the dirty ground. His hands cupped his face as the held back tears started to scroll down his cheeks. The anger developed into a mix of despair and pain, the cries once of rage became a steady, uncontrollable sob of hurt. He could not breathe, the pain in his chest became almost intolerable, he fell into the grass, the torturing images kept coming to his mind over and over, making his chest constrict even more than it already was… Erestor´s head had been resting in the shoulder of the elf taking him forcefully from behind as another sucked greedily on his cock. His moaning had been faint, responding to the pleasure his body was receiving, he was groaning at the touch of other… others… Another two blond elves worked his nipples sucking and licking them from time to time… not stopping even when Erestor had cried his release and filled the other’s mouth… Elrond shut tightly his eyes as the cry of Erestor´s release sound in his mind. He could still hear his beloved panting tiredly in the arms of another, not his… How could he have been such a fool? To let himself be hurt in this way…? So blind had he been that he had not noticed Erestor had taken others? The distance, the apathy, the disinterest… Elrond blamed his lack of cleverness at the time for his failure to be aware of his beloved’s activities. He had been a fool… The Lord of Imladris stayed curled up against the wet grass until Anor started to bless Arda with its first rays of light. He was feeling extremely weak, his eyes hurt and so did his chest. His breathing was calmer now but that did not mean he was breathing well, every gasp of air that managed to pass into his lungs seemed to set them on fire every time… He stood dizzily and after whistling twice his mare appeared, he mounted with difficulty and headed to the house… * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Erestor rolled uneasily under the heavy covers that kept his naked body from being completely exposed to any of the elves heading to the kitchen. He complained faintly as his muscles screamed silently as the sore places had been suddenly awoken. His numb eyes closed tightly as he acknowledged the nature of the pain. *What have I done?* He thought as he tried to curl up painfully while trying to remember how he had ended up there…* What have I done…?* After several minutes he ordered his fevered mind to focus his eyes on the room in search of the tiniest of the clues, something that spoke to him of how he had ended up naked in a strange bed. But there was no such a thing, all he noticed was that the bed he was laying was a mess and his clothes were strewn all over the floor. For a moment he considered the idea that he might have spent the night with Elrond and he had only left him there to go get something but the illusion vanished as he tried to sit on the edge of the bed and the soreness of the entrance to his body proved itself to be capable of hurting even more. Tears of pain rolled down his pale cheeks as he moved to stand. It had not been his lover; he would never hurt him the way the one he had spent the night with did… He stood with difficulty and gathered all the discarded pieces of clothing. Dropping down the coverlet stained with semen he once held tight around his neck as if it were a cape, he saw himself in the cracked mirror. His body was tinted with purple and black marks, some of them obviously bites, the other ones he assumed had been inflicted by sucking hard on the delicate skin and others were inflicted by the strong hold of uncaring hands… He looked away feeling sicker than he already did and managed to put his pants on. He closed his eyes and once again tried to remember how he had ended there, and with whom. But it was useless… No memory came to his confused brain. Sighing heavily Erestor pulled his shirt over his head and left the small room to head to his private chambers. Once there he filled the bathtub and sank in it. It took him some time to fill it but he could not risk going to the public bathrooms, someone might see his abused body and he was not going to be able to explain how it had come to happen. And even if they did not ask, the rumour of the obvious marks might reach Elrond´s ears. And that was the only thing Erestor cared: for Elrond not to find out. Never to find out what he had allowed another to do to him… * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Erestor went to Elrond´s study; one of the three counsellors of Lórien stopped his speech when he noticed the late arrival of Elrond´s chief advisor. “I mean no interruption Counsellor please feel free to continue.” Erestor forced his voice to sound even and painfully bit his tongue when he sat in his usual chair. Using the last self control his body had left, he managed to keep the tears from leaving his eyes while awkwardly trying to shift in the now uncomfortable seat to find the least agonizing position which allowed him to actually listen to the other’s words. Two hours later the bell calling them for lunch sounded, ending the meeting. After the agreeing to continue the discussion after the midday meal, the Lórien elves left the study. “I am glad you decided to honor us with your presence. Erestor.” Elrond stated icily as he headed to his desk. “Are you feeling well?” Glorfindel asked, worried as a mask of pain appeared on Erestor´s face as he rose from his chair. “Do not trouble yourself Glorfindel. It is natural to end up sore after being part of an orgy. It will pass.” The half elven Lord tried to look casually at his golden haired friend, who looked at him and then back at Erestor without being able to form any words. “I did not think you were going to be able to join us after your activities last night… But once again you proved me wrong.” He smiled mockingly. “I would advice a private place for next time unless you have been expecting an audience that is…” “I… How?” Erestor mumbled felling dizzy; he had not only been with one but with more... “You saw me…” He whispered ashamed as he closed his eyes. “Erestor?” Disbelievingly Glorfindel asked in a whisper. “I do not know… I …” Elrond smiled shaking slightly his head, playing to be amused. “You never mentioned you enjoyed orgies…” “I do not!” Erestor cried with a cracked voice as the tears started to run through his face. “I do not know what happened…I cannot remember!” “I can help you remember…”The Lord of Imladris said cynically as he approached to stand in front of his former lover. “Picture the cheapest whore in Bree surrounded by four lusty immoral elves and then change her image for your own. THAT is a short summary of what I saw. Hope that helps your memory…” He smiled awkwardly and stepped out off the room. Erestor looked at Glorfindel, who was about to speak, and ran out of from the room. He could hear the blond eldar calling his name worriedly but he could not come back. He could not answer questions about something he could not remember. He ran and ran until he fell onto the dirt of the riverbank after slipping his foot over a rock and losing his balance. His forehead sank in the mud, and there he cried miserably for hours until thick droplets of rain started to hit him on his back and all around him. He sat and looked around him, there was no place to refuge from the storm and he was too far away from the house to try to go back. He needed to talk to Elrond, to try to explain something… If maybe he pointed the ones that were with him, he might be able to remember... Or to interrogate them about the facts of the entire night… The chief advisor of Imladris stood and walked towards the waterfall. Jumping over the slippery rocks, he entered a small cavern he had spotted behind the increasing curtain of water. He needed to talk to his beloved; he needed to tell him he was the only one in his heart that he would never hurt that way… But he had, for his own pain spoke of the events he had been involved in… But why and how had he come to that? Had those elves gotten him drunk? Erestor sighed in frustration. He had made love before after drinking large quantities of alcohol and yet in the morning he had been able to remember his beloved’s touch… His beloved who now thought of him as no more than a cheap whore… TBC… Chapter: (4/?) Glorfindel knocked on Elrond´s bedroom door and hurried in as soon as he was beckoned. Elrond was looking distractedly at the horizon beyond the heavy screen of rain between his eyes and the distant imaginary line. “Erestor has not come back…” Glorfindel stated, worried. “He will. His lovers are here…” Elrond assured heavily despite his efforts to sound uncaring. “Are you sure he…” Glorfindel stopped speaking his thoughts as the Lord of Imladris turned crossly to face him. “I know what I saw Glorfindel!” The half-elf tried to control the tone of his voice, although he could not manage not to sound annoyed at the fact that his friend considered he had mistaken Erestor´s deeds, as if it were easy to misunderstand seeing your lover’s penis in another’s mouth. “One was taking him from behind; another sucked his shaft and the two left worked on his nipples. Does the picture leave any reason for a doubt?” “Maybe he was drunk…” “I should be the one trying to find a believable excuse for his acts Glorfindel. Not you. I should be the one trying to invent a plausible excuse to justify the unbearable pain in my chest that barely allows me to breathe, but I do not, because I know there is none…” Elrond approached Glorfindel and looked at him. “I SAW him…” The blond eldar sighed. Something did not fit in the entire scene. Why would Erestor suddenly participate in an orgy if he had not touched a soul since Elrond married Celebrian… Why now? He wondered over and over. “You still have doubts…” Elrond said exasperated as he pulled back from the eldar´s gaze. “Sometimes I think you are too naïve my friend… I wish I could be more like you.” “It has nothing to do with been naïve…” Glorfindel talked quietly, yet the tone of his voice warned the Lord of Imladris not to repeat the attitude he had used. “I only do not understand why now. Why has he decided to take four lovers at the same time when he has remained untouched since he found out about your engagement?” “Maybe he WAS drunk… I do not know… And frankly I do not care…” Glorfindel opened the door after a soft knock to find Celebrian waiting patiently outside. “Celebrian. Please come in.” Elrond asked courteously. “Can you leave us alone Glorfindel? Thank you.” He said after Glorfindel´s faint nod. “I only wanted to see how you were. I got very worried last night. And this morning you did not appear for breakfast. Has something happened?” She asked extremely concerned. “Yes… But I do not wish to discuss it now. I need to apologize for the way I behaved last night and I know I must have worried you…” “You did My Lord.” “I apologize. I was not myself…” “Are you feeling better now? Is there something I can do?” “I am afraid not my Lady…” He stated sadly yet politely. “If this is all about me…”She started to speak her line of thinking and stopped to consider her words for some moments. “I insist I talk to him. I can not bear to see you hurt… I do not want to be the cause of your unhappiness… Nor his…” “The pain in my heart could once have had something to do with our bond. But now it has turned into something more.” Elrond agreed sadly with the silvery haired Lady. “I have finally lost everything…” He whispered to himself. “Do not say that…” Celebrian whispered soothingly as she approached to pet Elrond´s back, making him turn to face her. “You have not lost everything. I do not know what is making you believe so, but it is not truth. You still have me. I am your friend and eventually I will be the mother of your children… YOU will have a family. So do not consider you have lost everything. Think you might have lost some to gain even more…” “Your counsel is wise to my thinking, though my heart can not see it the same way.” “It is still grieving… You should let it weep for as long as it need to… But eventually you will have to start thinking of yourself and the future of your people. These lands