To Lose Thyself Author: Celebrian. E-mail: Celebrian@datafull.com Web page: http://www.geocities.com/sabrinallo/index.html or http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Celebrianlotrsfanfiction Pairing: Elrond/ Erestor, Erestor/ Rumil, Erestor/ ? & Glorfindel/ Haldir . (Tiny little bit of Elrond/ Celebrian.) Rating: NC17. (Mature readers only) Summary: What happened to Elrond´s & Erestor´s dreamy relationship when the Lord of Imladris married Celebrian?. Disclaimer: I don't own them :o( But they all live in my mind. Warnings: Angst, non consensual sex situation (Rape) and suicidal tendencies/ thoughts. Author's notes: Prequel to Falling into temptation. - I might add another short story in the middle of this two, but I am not sure yet -- -@- Elladan and Elrohir were not born yet.. .-@- Elvish Translations: Amin mela lle: I love you. // Amin mela lle beika, Mela en´ coiamin: I love you too, love of my life // A´maelarain: Beloved.// Anor: Sun.// Ithil: Moon. Feedback makes muses happy. Happy muses make happy authors, happy authors write faster... ;o) * * Special Thanks to Betas Elaine & Emerald :) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Imladris, Year 100 of the Second age. Erestor stood quietly, leaning on the rail of the balcony of his private chambers, staring into the depths of the forest in the night. Everything seemed darker this night, darker than it had ever seemed. His heart had appeared not to find peace in the singing of the birds, the light of Ithil, or the light of Anor, nor he believed it would ever find peace again. Then why had he considered that the mere landscape of the valley he once considered his home would help ease his pain? He was a fool; for now, a deep hollow had set on his heart, a hollow that would never find fulfilment again and which would never let him live with out the constant pain and cloud of sorrow that swarmed his senses at that moment. He felt he would never be the same, he felt he was destined to live what was left of his life, feeling numb. Nor did he really want to awaken to face the truth. The truth that had led him to this state. He only wanted to forget... "Erestor." A hesitant voice called him from behind; in his distracted state he had not heard anybody approaching. He closed his eyes as tightly as he could. Maybe the other would go away if he wished strongly enough for it. The dark haired elf briskly shrugged his shoulder free from a tender hand's clasp. "You should not be here." He decreed, trying to control the tone of his voice, which managed to leave his closed throat. "There is no other place I should be..." The voice was sweet to the elf's ears, almost charming him to turn and sink his trembling body in those strong and so loved arms he so much cherished, those arms that once held him protectively away from any possible harm. "You should not be here..." He repeated, muttering painfully. "Where else you want me to be, if here is where you are." Erestor felt his heart wavering. Was he going to pass to Mandos' halls this quickly? So little strength his body had left?. He held himself steady gripping firmly the rail he was leaning on. As the now agonizing memory attacked his clouded mind. * * * * * * * * * "I will always be by your side..." His lover had promised after one of the most intense rounds of lovemaking he remembered, while still cradling him selfishly to his body. "Do not promise things you do not know you are going to be able to keep." Erestor had pleaded as he concentrated on the erratic breathing playing on his hair. "I would like to believe it to be truth, but it is not only up to you to hold a promise like that". "Are you planning on leaving me for another?". The elf spooning him had asked chuckling softly. He could remember the other's chest moving against his back as the other giggled heartily before nibbling possessively the tip of his ear. "I will not let you..." He had stated seriously, and with out giving him time to form any words he added. "I MUST keep my promise if I want to remain alive" At that comment Erestor had turned into the shelter of the embrace, so he was able to face his beloved with a puzzled look. "You are the owner of my heart. Meleth-Nîn. And like any other I will not survive with out it. So you see. You are destined to be near my side for eternity. Unless... you want me to die, that is." The other elf had arched an eyebrow in a mockery of inquiry, making him giggle, before pulling the concerned face near his own to kiss the alluring lips. "Are you giving me your heart A´maelarain?" Erestor had asked while cupping the other's face lovingly in his hands. "Nay, I have already done that. I am only letting you know I have done so..." * * * * * * * * * He had lied... "Erestor ..." The voice pleaded, this time the hand did not dare to touch him for fear of another imminent rejection. "You should not be here..." "STOP, saying that!" The other elf ordered annoyed as he tried to normalize the tone of his words. "There is no other place I should be right now but by your side." "What about your wives´ side? Your nuptial bed?" Erestor turned to face the other as the icy words left his mouth. "Should you not be there, My Lord?" "I have already explained to you how things are going to be handled, Erestor." "Yes. You have. Elrond." He mocked his lover's tone masterfully and managed to grin proudly at the pain on the other's face. "And I have already EXPLAINED to you that I will not be your illicit lover." "I would never ask that of you. And you know that." Elrond acknowledged hurt. "You want me to sleep with you while your rightful lover sleeps in another room." Erestor frowned his brow, faking to be thinking. "Mnnn. No... I can not think of another name for it but illicit lover. Can you?" He looked intently at Elrond who looked down defeated. "Thought so." Erestor laughed hurt. "Go to her and let me be... It is the least you can do." He managed to say as he passed the Lord of Imladris, heading inside his room, fighting tears from showing up in the corners of his eyes. "I can not live without you." Elrond´s declaration made him stop brusquely in his place. "You know I am not lying, Erestor. Please, you know I need you to breathe. Please..." His eyes shut painfully closed. How much he wanted to believe those words. How easy it would be to turn and let the other soothe his pain away. Erestor turned on his heels and managed to stare bitterly into Elrond´s grey pleading eyes. He could see the tears being held back as badly as his own, yet this was not reason enough for stopping the words which were already leaving his lips. "Our paths are no longer the same. You have taken that decision for both of us. Now... you have no right of asking me..." "I am only asking for your love. That love I still feel in your heart. I would not deny I miss your touch, or that my body wakes screaming for you every time I see you in my dreams. Yet what I miss the most are your caring words... A tender word that let me know I have not lost you." Elrond interrupted in a cracked voice. "You will not hear that kind of words from me because I no longer have the right to speak them." Without further delay, Erestor hurried from his room, leaving Elrond behind. It did not matter if he had to sleep on one of the benches in the garden and face the dawn's light chilly rain. It would always be more bearable than having the one he had loved so much and break his heart in an irreparable way, near him. * * * * * * * * * * * * * It was morning and the sun had risen a long time ago. The birds were happily singing and Arda had come to a daylight life once again under Elbereth´s blessing. Erestor had considered several times that he should pretend to be alive too, and start his usual chores. But he had failed in getting up, from the safety of his refuge, everytime he had considered so. Instead he snuggled closer to the cold stone and closed his eyes. He was tired, yet he could not sleep. He had not been able to, since Elrond went to Lórien to attend Galadriel's immediate summons. And the few times he managed to, he found his dreams harassed by nightmares, waking him abruptly within less than half an hour of rest. If that is how it could be named. "Erestor?" The familiar, tender and musical voice made his eyes snap open, despite the fact that his eyelids were feeling extremely heavy. "What are you doing here?" The golden haired eldar inquired while sitting next to him. "You have missed breakfast. Again." He added smiling tenderly. "I am not able to swallow the air I breathe. Much less I will be able to eat an entire breakfast." Erestor sadly mused out loud to himself. "Well, that answers the last sentence. What about the first one? Have you spent the entire night here?" At the lack of answer Glorfindel sighed. "Come with me inside. We can prepare you a nice hot bath, and maybe you can try to eat some fruit. Or drink some tea at least." He pleaded, and he knew Erestor only agreed to prevent worrying him more than he already was; yet Glorfindel knew it would suffice for the time being. Glorfindel stood after Erestor and, walking slowly, they headed to the house. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Elrond could see through the window of his study, both his beloved and his friend entering the gardens. Erestor had been missing every meal for months and he was sure, he was only sporadically eating the fruit on the tray of his room. He was looking thinner and paler with the passing of the days... * If you would only let me reach you beloved...* He thought as the oak door opened. "You seem troubled My Lord." Celebrian stated as she stood next to her husband. "I am worried." He affirmed calmly, staring at his friends until they disappeared under one of the balconies. "What is it that you need, My Lady?" Elrond asked, finally meeting her gaze. "What can I do for you?" "I heard there is a nice stream not far away from the house. I was hoping to see it today." "Of course. I will ask Glorfindel to show it to you, unless you are planning on taking somebody else." Elrond offered vaguely, due to his mind still lingered on his former lover's health condition, as he walked to his desk. "I was hoping you could join me My Lord. Since we have already married and I barely know what is your line of thinking respecting the matters of your ruling as Lord of this lands." She stated matter-o-factly. Elrond faced the daughter of the lady of the wood and there he could see the resemblance between them. "Yes, and I must apologize about that. I have been busy with other affairs and I have not taken the time to explain how we manage in this valley." "Oh. No. I would never dare to suggest you owe me an apology. Please forgive me if I sounded like you needed to apologize for anything." Celebrian´s voice was a musical whisper meant to enchant every creature able to hear it. "Yet, I do have to apologize. It was rude of me not to notice such an important issue." The Lord of the house searched visually his desk. "I can show you the stream now while we discuss whatever you want to ask and I will finish this paperwork later in the afternoon." "We can leave it for another time if you are busy." She assured, looking charming. "No. I can take some time off..." Elrond assured. "Please ask Lindir to tell Arthon to set the horses ready. I will meet you at the entrance hall within half an hour." With a slight reverential nod Celebrian left to go look for Lindir and, while closing the door, she saw her husband heading to the window where she first found him. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Glorfindel was leaving the public bathrooms with Erestor. Despite the cloud on Erestor´s heart the blond elf had managed to cheer him up a little with trivial talk and he had also managed to take his dark haired friend with him to the kitchen. Glorfindel was positive he would get Erestor to eat the small amount of food his stomach resisted at that moment. "Glorfindel!" Celebrian´s voice called for him, making Erestor tense the little he had managed to relax, or even more. Both elves turned to face the silver haired Lady walking towards them. "My Lady?" "Glorfindel... Erestor..." She bowed slightly in salutation to them. "My Lady..." Erestor managed to say sounding as natural as he could. "I am sorry to interrupt you, but I need to find Lindir and he seems to be nowhere around. Have you not seen him?" "No. I am afraid we have not. Why are you looking him for My Lady? We might be able to help." Glorfindel´s stomach twitched and he felt Erestor´s pain as his own, yet he could not let that get in the way. The Lady of the Wood was still the Lady of the House and she deserved to be treated as such. "Elrond asked me to find Lindir so he could get our horses ready. We are riding to see the stream." "I will make certain the horses are ready, My Lady." Glorfindel stated quietly. "Thank you Glorfindel." After smiling at both of them she pranced happily out of their sight. And before the golden haired eldar could form a soothing word, Erestor stormed out of his sight too. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * That same night, Elrond was standing on the balcony of his study. He could see the main path from there and he would notice if Erestor returned. According to the stable elf boy, Erestor had appeared in the stables a mere few minutes after he and Celebrian left to find the stream. Erestor saddled his mare in a hurry and stormed out the place with no explanation at all. This had been in the middle morning and now it was long past midnight. Elrond new that his lover might be back late after dinner time, Erestor always saddled his mare when he was going to leave the city but somehow Elrond was hoping he had been mistaken and he would return in a reasonable amount of time. He was just hoping he would return that night... Suddenly his heart froze at the possibility of not seeing Erestor again and he felt a cold shiver running down his spine. * What if he is not planning on coming back?* "He will come back." Glorfindel assured, walking towards the Lord of the house. "How can you be so sure my friend?" Elrond asked as he turned to face the blond elf standing by his side. "You are here." Glorfindel smiled reassuringly at the Lord of Imladris while rubbing the other's back soothingly. "The more reason for him to leave." The dark haired elven Lord sighed heavily at his statement. "He will not be able to stay away from the one he loves for long." "I believe Erestor is far from loving me at this point Glorfindel. I would dare say he hates me. And I do not blame him..." "You think he would be suffering the way he is if he did not love you?" "I do not know what to do. Everything I say seems to be wrong. He avoids me all the time and the few moments I find him somewhere he..."Elrond trailed off to clear his mind. "He would not listen to reason. Not that there is any reason in this entire situation, but... I can not reach his heart. He won't let me. And I see him falling into this void of despair with no one but you to help him." Elrond looked desperately at Glorfindel. "He is not going to last this way." Now Glorfindel was the one to sighed. Elrond was right. He had noticed the increasing distance Erestor created to keep others away from his heart. Slowly he was secluding himself in his pain. "You know as well as me that he barely eats. He does not seem to be sleeping either..." The dark haired elf remarked, sounding more worried than he wanted to seem. "I know." The golden haired elder nodded quietly. Both elders stared quietly as they noticed Erestor climbing the external stairs which would lead him to the balcony of his private chambers. "Wait ´till the morning." Glorfindel ordered, politely yet sternly at the outraged pleading face of his dark haired friend. "Otherwise he will spend another night in the cold of the gardens." The Lord of Imladris sighed, despaired by this new information. He knew Erestor disappeared when he faced him, but Elrond thought his lover retreated to his room, not the inclemency of the autumn's night. "Try to get some rest. You seem to be needing some sleep too." After his friend nodded, the golden haired elf retreated to his own quarters while Elrond remained on the balcony, pondering different ways to reach his beloved's heart. TBC... To Lose Thyself Chapter: (2/?) Author: Celebrian. Pairing: Elrond/ Erestor, Erestor/ Rumil, Erestor/ ? & Glorfindel/ Haldir . (Tiny little bit of Elrond/ Celebrian.) Rating: NC17. (Mature readers only) Summary: What happened to Elrond´s & Erestor´s dreamy relationship when the Lord of Imladris married Celebrian?. Disclaimer: I don’t own them :o( But they all live in my mind. Warnings: Angst, non consensual sex situation (Rape) and suicidal tendencies/ thoughts. Author’s notes: Prequel to Falling into temptation. – I might add another short story in the middle of this two, but I am not sure yet -- -@- Elladan and Elrohir were not born yet. .-@- Elvish Translations: Amin mela lle: I love you. // Amin mela lle beika, Mela en´ coiamin: I love you too, love of my life // A´maelarain: Beloved.// Anor: Sun.// Ithil: Moon. Feedback, makes muses happy. Happy muses make happy authors, happy authors write faster… ;o) * * Special Thanks to Betas Emerald & Elaine :) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Three months had passed since Celebrian came to live as the Lady of Imladris, and for more than three months the Lord of the house and his advisor suffered the unbearable pain of broken hearts. * * * * * * * * * * * * Elrond sat in his usual place at the council, Erestor and Glorfindel sat at his sides and for the entire morning they listened to the main problems of the city, whilst proposing different possible solutions to them. The bell finally sounded, calling them all for lunch. Although Elrond paid attention to the business conversation, his eyes could not avoid distracting his mind every time he turned to his left and got a glimpse of Erestor. His was hair was just tied by two small clips at the sides of the head. He looked beautiful, as he always did, despite the considerable amount of weight he had lost, his beauty remained as the first time Elrond set his eyes on him. Elrond smiled, relieved, as he watched his former lover lightly smiling in the middle of his apparently enthralling conversation with Haldir and Galdor. And he also considered that there was no doubt, the most beautiful flower of the valley would not be able to compete with the brilliance of his beloved’s smile. How much Elrond loved those smiles, how much he had missed them… Luckily his beloved seemed to be less troubled with the passing of the months, and Elrond hoped he might have another chance to speak with him, now that Erestor´s pain had lessened a little. At least he did not run away from him like three months ago, nor leave him speaking alone… “You are staring my friend…” Glorfindel observed softly only to his friend’s ears. “Words will not work…” he offered, as soon as the rest of the elves passed to the dining rooms. “What then?”. Elrond asked, hoping for some advice. Words had not worked this far and he was not sure how to act around Erestor anymore. Deep inside his heart he had started to fear his lover’s blatant rejections and he was not sure how many more he was going to be able to handle. “You will know when the time comes.” Glorfindel smiled amused as he stood from his chair. “Is that all your advice my wise friend?. I will know when the time comes?.” Elrond arched a questioning eyebrow and stood from his seat too. “You will. Trust me.” The two elves headed to the dining room and as soon as The Lord of the house took his place the food was served. He ate quietly. Fortunately nobody addressed to him for long periods of time, giving him enough time to discreetly observe Erestor´s moves. He was still chatting with Haldir and Galdor. Glorfindel joined the conversation, favouring Haldir with his comments and Celebrian ate quietly giggling from time to time at the passion shown by the ones trying to prove a valid point. Erestor slightly turned his head to face Glorfindel -who was speaking at the time-sitting by his side and caught the intense, yet loving, gaze of the one his heart still held dear above all others. He might have blushed, or maybe the shy smile he was trying to hide had been seen, because Elrond´s eyes sparkled in a blink of hope. Erestor looked away swiftly trying to ease the quickening pounding of his heart. . He was not sure if he wanted to keep Elrond away from him anymore. He was not sure of what would he do if Elrond told him that he loved him… Maybe it was not a lie as he had been thinking these past months… * * * * * * * * * * * * Lunch had ended and everybody was leaving to attend to their chores. Elrond stood after finishing the last sip of his drink. “Erestor. Please come to the study as soon as you are free from your responsibilities. I need your opinion regarding the last message from Mirkwood.” “As you wish, my Lord.” The dark haired elf nodded in agreement at the Lord of the house and after a few seconds this one was gone. * * * * * * * * * * * * The day passed rather quickly, and sooner than expected Erestor was knocking the ancient oak door of Elrond´s study. The Lord of Imladris beckoned him in with a soft yet steady voice. “Please. Sit.” Elrond ordered lightly, as he searched the ordered, mess of papers on his desk. “I never really understood how come you always manage to find the paper you want in this … chaos…” Erestor mused softly out loud as he smiled. “It might seem a CHAOS…” Elrond laughed softly as he raised his gaze to face his fair lover. “…but it is not. I know exactly where every parchment is.” “I know…” Erestor assured, smiling warmly at his Lord, before pulling his gaze to the chaotic desk swarming with parchments. “Here…” After searching several scrolls the Lord of the House handed one to his chief advisor. “You want me to find something in particular or…”. The dark haired elf asked as he carefully unrolled the scroll of paper to read it. “I want your opinion on the importations they ask from us. Beyond the fact that we can not send that quantity of oat. Which leads me to another point, I will need you to answer the request…”. Elrond stared as his beloved quickly read the words drawn on the paper he just gave him and, leaning back into his chair, he waited for Erestor´s opinion, while hoping the other would not to find out the lame, rushed and desperate excuse he had invented to have him alone in his study. Suddenly the door opened, and Celebrian appeared, pulling both elves attention in her direction. “Oh. I am sorry. I thought I would find you alone…” She excused herself, pleased as Erestor wriggled uncomfortably in his seat. “I will go read this somewhere else…” Erestor stated uneasily as he rose from his chair “… and let you know as soon as I finish it.” After Elrond´s nod the other elf left the room, passing quickly by his beloved’s wife. * * * * * * * * What had you been trying to convince yourself about, Erestor?. That things could be like before?* He slightly shook his head at the awful sensation of his lost love and headed to one of the internal gardens under the house. * Things would never be like they once were because he is no longer yours… When are you going to understand that!. Foolish heart * He recriminated angrily to himself as he dropped himself on a stone bench near a small cascade. “I have been waiting for you to leave, but it seems I will have to ask it of you myself.” Celebrian declared as she let her figure be noticed by the elf near the wall. “I beg your pardon, my Lady?” Erestor asked, startled and unsettled. “You heard me.” A soft mocking laugh left the Lady’s lips. “And you know it as well in your mind. Yet it seems you have been not listening clearly to it. So I see myself in the awful position of reminding you that the one who was once yours is now mine.” Her eyes, as cold and inexpressive as ice, pierced Erestor´s soul as well as his heart. “And I ; unlike you, am not willing to share.” Amused by the lack of words from her rival the silver headed lady circled the bubbling pond and examined some purple little flowers growing in the stone crafted wall. “You must leave Imladris. I do not care where you go or what your excuse to Elrond will be, but you must be across the city frontiers by tomorrow night.” She glanced chillingly at Erestor who was at this moment standing petrified looking at her with a mix of rage and fear in his eyes. “I can not leave Imladris. I will not leave my home. You can not ask me that.” He stated in shock. “Yes I can…” Celebrian managed to say between her amused giggles. “I can ask that and more of you if I wanted so. Oh. Erestor please. Do not look so panicked! You remind me of a scared bunny!” The giggle had become laugh when she forced herself to continue. “But do not worry. I will settle with having you away from the city and my beloved husband. We are going to begin a family soon and I do not want you meddling in our lives. Nor I will allow you to.” She stated seriously, glancing menacingly to him. “I will not interfere in your lives, as I will do nothing to provoke Elrond into leaving your side…” “You will not provoke him? The mere fleeting look of you provokes him! Why do you think I want you away? It is the only way for him to settle and think clearly of his future; OUR future. You being here is the constant reminder of what could have been but never will. I imagine that if you love him a little you will not allow him to live in the past.” “I will not leave my home. I can only give you my word that I will not interfere with your lives but I can not stop loving him. The feelings in my heart are beyond my control to tame. The fact that I do not act upon them does not mean they are less strong than the first time I found them in me. I can not leave, and as I say I will not because Imladris is my home and its Lord is the only owner my heart will ever know. So I suppose, my Lady, that you will have to SETTLE with my word. Now if you excuse me I have things to do.” Without looking back and a little more quickly than he really wanted Erestor left the small garden under the city as he tried to figure out what had just happened. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * A week later, Glorfindel and Elrond were walking through the gardens while they discussed some matters about the imminent arrival of the Lórien elves. Three of the most important counsellors were being sent to Imladris to find a solution to the constant attacks upon their cities during springtime. During their quiet walk they saw Erestor sitting near the riverbank looking vaguely into the water. The blond and dark haired elven Lords looked at each other questioningly as they approached the other, without being noticed. Never, even in his worst moments, had Erestor let somebody or something get so close to him with out being seen or heard. “Erestor?”. Elrond called as he knelt next to the sitting figure of his former lover. “Are you feeling well?” “Yes. I did not hear you coming. I must be more tired than I had first assumed.” Erestor tried vainly to dissipate all concern from his friends´ minds, and expressions. “I must go inside and finish some pending things... Excuse me.” Without further delay, Erestor rose and hurried out of their sight, disappearing between the thick foliage of the forest. “He is acting distant and avoiding me again.” Elrond declared as he cleaned his robe of the dry leaves that hanged loosely from it. “I have noticed too. But I can not link this change of behaviour to anything I know.” “I hope he does not become as distant as he was. I will try to talk to him.” “Do you think he will talk to you?” Glorfindel asked matter-o-factly. “I will talk to him tonight after diner.” He assured. “And inform you if there is something for you to worry…” The Lord of Imladris nodded and they resumed their walking. “How are you feeling?”. The golden haired eldar asked softly after some minutes of silence. “I… miss him.” Elrond allow himself to confess. * Terribly * He added to himself. “And I know that I should start trying to get Celebrian pregnant but, I can not stop thinking of Erestor. He was doing better this past months and I know that if she ends up with child he will sink in despair again…” The Lord of Imladris sighed as the devastating sensation of defeat flooded his heart and soul. “Maybe it is only me who thinks he still cares for me. Maybe my heart denies facing the truth.” “What is you conception of THE TRUTH?” Glorfindel asked emphasizing his last words. “You more than anybody should know there is no such a thing as the truth, at least, not only one. Things we believe to be true can be only the mere illusion of our hearts and minds and things we believe to be lies are only so because we are not able to deal with them if they were real. My point is.” The blond eldar continued after some thinking. “You did not imagine your happiness and bliss with Erestor you LOVED each other. It would be easier to transform all that happiness into an illusion… it would be easier to carry and to live with it. Because if you have only imagined it, you would have never really lost it, and you would never feel as guilty as you feel for Erestor´s pain. It would be easier to believe your love as a lie, and illusion...” Glorfindel sighed heavily. “Do not let your heart take the easy way away from pain. THAT is the illusion, there is no such a thing as an easy way to stop the hurting. You can not escape the pain of a broken heart unless you solve the problems that lead it to be broken.” “I will not be able to handle more of this Glorfindel I feel like…I die every time I see him, knowing I might not be able to soothe him when he is distressed or pet his hair tenderly until he falls asleep in my arms.” Due his frustration Elrond spoke in a raising voice. “I do not know if I will be able to stand this mockery of my bond to Celebrian if he is not by my side. HE is all I ever cared. And HE can not see it! It seems I have failed in that too. Not only I, broke his heart marrying another but I also…” “Elrond” Glorfindel´s voice soothed as he placed a tender hand on the trembling, dark haired elf’s shoulder. “Stop blaming yourself. You are been too harsh my friend. I do not believe Erestor blames you half as much as you do.” “I wish I could believe you.” Elrond mumbled feeling exhausted. “You would not believe even if Erestor himself told you so. Because YOU are the one thinking that the fault was only yours.” The calming voice of the golden haired eldar explained. “Who else’s? I was the one to accept this foolish matter.” “You had no choice.” The even voice declared. “I could have said no.” Elrond growled to himself obviously still blaming himself for the distress of both his former lover and his own. “No, you were not allowed to.” Glorfindel stated sharing his friends despair. “I think it is time for you two to have a talk.” Glorfindel declared peacefully as he leaded the distressed elf Lord back to the house. * * * * * * * * * * * Elrond stood in the terrace of his room, his skin was starting to slowly prickle as the icy air of the winter night filtered through, the thin fabric of the shirt he was wearing, colliding with his recently bathed skin. Soon he would be summoned to attend the nightly meal; the guests would expect the presence of the Lord of the Valley. Once again he was forced to concentrate on his duties instead of his will. If he had been able to choose, he would have gone to continue the search of his beloved. Erestor had been nowhere to be found during the afternoon and Elrond had discreetly searched the entire house twice. The Lord of Imladris sighed longingly as he spotted two lovers fooling around in the shadows of the gardens. If he could only feel at least a tiny beat as he felt when he was loved… Maybe he was still loved; weeks ago Erestor had blushed and smiled shyly, when he spotted Elrond´s staring. And then in the study he had also smiled … Teasingly, perhaps… But then at night he acted distant again. Maybe he… Elrond complained, as the knocking on the door he had been trying to avoid for some seconds become insistent. “Only in Mandos Halls I will find peace!” He growled annoyed to himself. “Dinner is served My Lord.” The elf maiden stated most gracefully cheerful. “I will be right there.” The elven Lord assured and with that statement he dismissed politely the intruder of his privacy. It amazed himself sometimes to find how nonchalant and polite he could sound… After picking up his robe Elrond headed to the dinning room as he buttoned it, not really paying attention. “Elrond… Elrond!” The soft feminine voice insisted. “Celebrian” He recognized his wife as soon as he turned to see the origin of the musical sound. “I am sorry. I was distracted.” “I can see you are distracted” She giggled charmingly. “So distracted you are that you can not notice you are skipping some…” She started to unbuttoned the misplaced line and link each button with it’s respective hole. “Places… There you are.” She smiled at her husband. “You look much more distressed than other days. Something happened?” “No. Nothing for you to worry about” “But I do worry when I see you suffering.” The silvery haired Lady petted soothingly Elrond´s face. “Have you not talked to him?” Her voice was filled with concerned. “Erestor?. Has he not understood yet the true reason of our bond?”. “It is such a shame. Maybe If I speak to him…” She offered. “No. It would be the same. I thank you nonetheless, My Lady. Your heart is more than indulgent in all this affairs we see ourselves involved in.” Elrond managed to say, not being really able to mask his pain. “I will try to speak to him later. Now we have guests waiting for us. Shall we?” He offered his arm to the Lady of the house and they walked their way to the dining room where the guests were, indeed, waiting for them. * * * * * * * * * * * Later that night, knowing Elrond would not be there, Erestor entered the study. He still sighed in relief when he saw only a couple of candles lit. “Were you afraid he could be here?” “I am trying to keep my promise.” Erestor affirmed annoyed while calming the rushed beating of his heart. “Would it not be easier for you to leave? It will be less painful too…” Celebrian explained as she poured some Miruvor in two goblets. “Have you considered my words Erestor?” “I have made clear I will not leave this land for anything.” The dark haired elven Lord watched wearily the silver haired Lady who offered him a goblet filled with sweat strong wine. “Let the best one win then…” She joked after sipping her Miruvor. “This is not a competition and Elrond´s heart is not a trophy.” The elven Lord barked while he headed to place the parchments his Lord had handed him in the morning to read, and left the filled goblet on the desk. “Ah. Now I see why he likes you. You are romantic… and I would dare say you are extremely tender whilst in bed.” She grinned. “Am I right?” “My performance in bed is not a matter of your concern.” “Where are your manners Erestor? When have you started to exclude the Lady title when referring to me?” Celebrian played puzzled, while she suppressed an amused laugh. “A Lady would not be questioning me about my deeds in bed. CELEBRIAN” Annoyed Erestor walked to the window. “Ah. Indulge me. Please?”. The Lady of the House pleaded amusingly as she took the discarded goblet from the desk and walked towards Erestor. “Please?” She grinned as the elf Lord turned swiftly to face her furiously. “I see. You are also… discreet… Yes, I can see now what he sees in you. You are quite adorable. When you are not, looking at me like you are doing now. But…” handing Erestor the wine she grinned. “I understand you can not leave… Do not look at me so. I do have a heart!” “I do not doubt you do.” Erestor managed to say civilly, as he looked disbelievingly at her. “Let us make a toast for our beloved Elrond. Yes?” She pleaded charmingly at the elf standing in front of her and raised her goblet simultaneously with his in signal of a toast. A wide triumphant grin formed in her lips as Erestor drank the contents of his glass. “What?…” The elven Lord mumbled groggily. “You have … altered the …wine!” Erestor managed to say as he fall heavily on the green carpet of Elrond´s study. The transparent, almost empty, goblet crashed next to the body shattering into thousands tiny little shards. “So you have noticed…” Celebrian mumbled as she knelt next to the passed-out body and checked its pulse. TBC… To Lose thyself Chapter: (3/?) Author: Celebrian. Pairing: Elrond/ Erestor, Erestor/ Rumil, Erestor/ ? & Glorfindel/ Haldir . (Tiny little bit of Elrond/ Celebrian.) Rating: NC17. (Mature readers only) Summary: What happened to Elrond´s & Erestor´s dreamy relationship when the Lord of Imladris married Celebrian?. Disclaimer: I don’t own them :o( But they all live in my mind. Warnings: Angst, non consensual sex situation (Rape) and suicidal tendencies/ thoughts. Author’s notes: Prequel to Falling into temptation. – I might add another short story in the middle of this two, but I am not sure yet -- -@- Elladan and Elrohir were not born yet. .-@- Elvish Translations: Amin mela lle: I love you. // Amin mela lle beika, Mela en´ coiamin: I love you too, love of my life // A´maelarain: Beloved.// Anor: Sun.// Ithil: Moon. Feedback makes muses happy. Happy muses make happy authors, happy authors write faster… ;o) * * Special Thanks to Betas Emerald, Elaine & Gabriel :) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * She stood up and quickly headed for the balcony entrance where four young elves were carefully hiding from any possible viewer. “He is ready.” She stated and with no further words, the elves rushed into the room to pick up the unconscious body. “He seems dead.” The younger one worried out loud. “Are you having second thoughts? I remind you and the rest of you that you need to do exactly as I told you to do, to receive the rest of your payment. Not to mention that if you do not do this little favour to me I might remember the ones I saw hunting within the borders of the city…” “You need not to worry my Lady. My brother is young and he frightens easily. We will do as we have agreed, in fact I think we will enjoy doing it…” The one who seemed to have the definitive word stated as he ran an exploring finger over Erestor´s inert features. “He is indeed alluring.” “I do not care if you enjoy it or not. I only want you to do exactly as I ordered you to. No less!” “Then we can do more…”. The same blond elf mused wickedly out loud. “Take him.” He ordered at the ones holding Erestor´s dead-like body. “Give us half an hour to prepare ourselves…” He grinned wickedly and left after his friends, leaving Celebrian alone in the study. She went to pick up the glass shards scattered all over the carpet and in the process she cut one of her fingers. Once she had managed to pick up every little piece of crystal, she headed to find her husband. Luckily she found him rapidly staring into the back gardens of the house. “My Lord? Are you still searching for your beloved? Has he not appeared yet?” Celebrian´s most concerned voice asked pretending to be weary. “No. I am hoping to see him. He enjoys walking around the gardens during the night time.” “I do not think he would be walking under this cruel weather.” She assured as she walked to stand next to Elrond, to stare outside the window of the hallway. “Have you searched inside the house?” “I did.” The Lord of the House stated defeated. “Why do you not try again? You probably crossed each other at some point.” “You might be right.” Elrond sighed heavily. “It is late.” He looked at her puzzled. “What are you doing up at this hours of the night?” “Oh. I was thirsty, and I had no more water in the jar of my room.” She stated smiling broadly. “Come to the kitchen with me. We might find Erestor in the way.” Lingering her arm with her husbands´ Celebrian led the way to the kitchen. * * * * * * * * * * * * Once in the deserted room… “I need something to warm my body. Would you like to have tea with me?” “Yes I could use something warm.” “I will prepare it then. If only I could find where the things are…” She mumbled quietly. “The tea is on that shelf…” Elrond pointed, fighting not to look as far away as he was at that moment. The only recurring thing torturing his mind was Erestor´s disappearance and recent behaviour. “And… I will go get some sugar. The pot is empty.” “Alright” She agreed, sounding indifferent as she looked at him passing the entrance of the small hallway that would lead Elrond to the dispensary. Elrond quickly searched the dark room and found the big sugar container in one of the corners. While filling the small pot he held in his left hand, he got distracted by a distant noise. He recognized the nature of it as soon as he focused his attention on it. It was the unmistakable moaning of sex. It took him a little longer to notice that there were more than two participants. The pot of sugar, seconds ago empty, was now full to the top. And when Elrond was about to leave the room he felt the strange urge to follow the sounds. Something became heavier in his heart; he felt his breathing becoming uneven almost in a pattern with the increasing palpitations of his heart. Why was he so perturbed? He had certainly participated in orgies before and he was also aware that some took place within his household. So why was he feeling the urgency to follow the moaning to it’s source? Without giving himself more time to consider the idea, the Lord of Imladris headed down the corridor which would lead him to the noises´ source. Elrond froze at the image that the small open window revealed to his eyes. His hands clenched wrathfully to the sides of his body and within less than a couple of seconds he found himself storming back the same way he had come. Raging through the kitchen he avoided Celebrian´s puzzled words and left her somewhere behind on the way to his private chambers. The walls holding the doors of his quarters seemed to tremble as the slammed door collided sturdily with its almost identical companion. His clenched hands started to ache and his lips were barely capable of restraining an already formed shout of rage from leaving his lungs. Breathing heavily Elrond found himself throwing one of the glass vessels, accommodated on the nearest table, against the wall. The shattered container fell on to the floor in several pieces while the water that filled it, ran it’s way down the wall in the form of thin transparent lines, the brutally battered flowers fell into the small pool of water formed on the stone floor. Suddenly he found himself stepping down the stairs of his terrace and the last time he focused his mind he found himself at the stables. Taking his mare without answering the worried questions of the young elf in charge, he left with the order to remain silent. He stormed out and forcing the animal to the extreme, he headed to the top of the valley. Dismounting briskly he cried out in frustration to the air over and over, while clenching his hands at the sides of his body. That seemed not to be enough, for his fisted hand hit the trunk of the nearest tree making it shake despite its deep roots. Dry yellowy leaves started to fall around him while his body fell heavily to the dirty ground. His hands cupped his face as the held back tears started to scroll down his cheeks. The anger developed into a mix of despair and pain, the cries once of rage became a steady, uncontrollable sob of hurt. He could not breathe, the pain in his chest became almost intolerable, he fell into the grass, the torturing images kept coming to his mind over and over, making his chest constrict even more than it already was… Erestor´s head had been resting in the shoulder of the elf taking him forcefully from behind as another sucked greedily on his cock. His moaning had been faint, responding to the pleasure his body was receiving, he was groaning at the touch of other… others… Another two blond elves worked his nipples sucking and licking them from time to time… not stopping even when Erestor had cried his release and filled the other’s mouth… Elrond shut tightly his eyes as the cry of Erestor´s release sound in his mind. He could still hear his beloved panting tiredly in the arms of another, not his… How could he have been such a fool? To let himself be hurt in this way…? So blind had he been that he had not noticed Erestor had taken others? The distance, the apathy, the disinterest… Elrond blamed his lack of cleverness at the time for his failure to be aware of his beloved’s activities. He had been a fool… The Lord of Imladris stayed curled up against the wet grass until Anor started to bless Arda with its first rays of light. He was feeling extremely weak, his eyes hurt and so did his chest. His breathing was calmer now but that did not mean he was breathing well, every gasp of air that managed to pass into his lungs seemed to set them on fire every time… He stood dizzily and after whistling twice his mare appeared, he mounted with difficulty and headed to the house… * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Erestor rolled uneasily under the heavy covers that kept his naked body from being completely exposed to any of the elves heading to the kitchen. He complained faintly as his muscles screamed silently as the sore places had been suddenly awoken. His numb eyes closed tightly as he acknowledged the nature of the pain. *What have I done?* He thought as he tried to curl up painfully while trying to remember how he had ended up there…* What have I done…?* After several minutes he ordered his fevered mind to focus his eyes on the room in search of the tiniest of the clues, something that spoke to him of how he had ended up naked in a strange bed. But there was no such a thing, all he noticed was that the bed he was laying was a mess and his clothes were strewn all over the floor. For a moment he considered the idea that he might have spent the night with Elrond and he had only left him there to go get something but the illusion vanished as he tried to sit on the edge of the bed and the soreness of the entrance to his body proved itself to be capable of hurting even more. Tears of pain rolled down his pale cheeks as he moved to stand. It had not been his lover; he would never hurt him the way the one he had spent the night with did… He stood with difficulty and gathered all the discarded pieces of clothing. Dropping down the coverlet stained with semen he once held tight around his neck as if it were a cape, he saw himself in the cracked mirror. His body was tinted with purple and black marks, some of them obviously bites, the other ones he assumed had been inflicted by sucking hard on the delicate skin and others were inflicted by the strong hold of uncaring hands… He looked away feeling sicker than he already did and managed to put his pants on. He closed his eyes and once again tried to remember how he had ended there, and with whom. But it was useless… No memory came to his confused brain. Sighing heavily Erestor pulled his shirt over his head and left the small room to head to his private chambers. Once there he filled the bathtub and sank in it. It took him some time to fill it but he could not risk going to the public bathrooms, someone might see his abused body and he was not going to be able to explain how it had come to happen. And even if they did not ask, the rumour of the obvious marks might reach Elrond´s ears. And that was the only thing Erestor cared: for Elrond not to find out. Never to find out what he had allowed another to do to him… * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Erestor went to Elrond´s study; one of the three counsellors of Lórien stopped his speech when he noticed the late arrival of Elrond´s chief advisor. “I mean no interruption Counsellor please feel free to continue.” Erestor forced his voice to sound even and painfully bit his tongue when he sat in his usual chair. Using the last self control his body had left, he managed to keep the tears from leaving his eyes while awkwardly trying to shift in the now uncomfortable seat to find the least agonizing position which allowed him to actually listen to the other’s words. Two hours later the bell calling them for lunch sounded, ending the meeting. After the agreeing to continue the discussion after the midday meal, the Lórien elves left the study. “I am glad you decided to honor us with your presence. Erestor.” Elrond stated icily as he headed to his desk. “Are you feeling well?” Glorfindel asked, worried as a mask of pain appeared on Erestor´s face as he rose from his chair. “Do not trouble yourself Glorfindel. It is natural to end up sore after being part of an orgy. It will pass.” The half elven Lord tried to look casually at his golden haired friend, who looked at him and then back at Erestor without being able to form any words. “I did not think you were going to be able to join us after your activities last night… But once again you proved me wrong.” He smiled mockingly. “I would advice a private place for next time unless you have been expecting an audience that is…” “I… How?” Erestor mumbled felling dizzy; he had not only been with one but with more... “You saw me…” He whispered ashamed as he closed his eyes. “Erestor?” Disbelievingly Glorfindel asked in a whisper. “I do not know… I …” Elrond smiled shaking slightly his head, playing to be amused. “You never mentioned you enjoyed orgies…” “I do not!” Erestor cried with a cracked voice as the tears started to run through his face. “I do not know what happened…I cannot remember!” “I can help you remember…”The Lord of Imladris said cynically as he approached to stand in front of his former lover. “Picture the cheapest whore in Bree surrounded by four lusty immoral elves and then change her image for your own. THAT is a short summary of what I saw. Hope that helps your memory…” He smiled awkwardly and stepped out off the room. Erestor looked at Glorfindel, who was about to speak, and ran out of from the room. He could hear the blond eldar calling his name worriedly but he could not come back. He could not answer questions about something he could not remember. He ran and ran until he fell onto the dirt of the riverbank after slipping his foot over a rock and losing his balance. His forehead sank in the mud, and there he cried miserably for hours until thick droplets of rain started to hit him on his back and all around him. He sat and looked around him, there was no place to refuge from the storm and he was too far away from the house to try to go back. He needed to talk to Elrond, to try to explain something… If maybe he pointed the ones that were with him, he might be able to remember... Or to interrogate them about the facts of the entire night… The chief advisor of Imladris stood and walked towards the waterfall. Jumping over the slippery rocks, he entered a small cavern he had spotted behind the increasing curtain of water. He needed to talk to his beloved; he needed to tell him he was the only one in his heart that he would never hurt that way… But he had, for his own pain spoke of the events he had been involved in… But why and how had he come to that? Had those elves gotten him drunk? Erestor sighed in frustration. He had made love before after drinking large quantities of alcohol and yet in the morning he had been able to remember his beloved’s touch… His beloved who now thought of him as no more than a cheap whore… TBC… To Lose thyself Chapter: (4/?) Author: Celebrian. Pairing: Elrond/ Erestor, Erestor/ Rumil, Erestor/ ? & Glorfindel/ Haldir . (Tiny little bit of Elrond/ Celebrian.) Rating: NC17. (Mature readers only) Summary: What happened to Elrond´s & Erestor´s dreamy relationship when the Lord of Imladris married Celebrian?. Disclaimer: I don’t own them :o( But they all live in my mind. Warnings: Angst, non consensual sex situation (Rape) and suicidal tendencies/ thoughts. Author’s notes: Prequel to Falling into temptation. – I might add another short story in the middle of this two, but I am not sure yet -- -@- Elladan and Elrohir were not born yet. .-@- Elvish Translations: Amin mela lle: I love you. // Amin mela lle beika, Mela en´ coiamin: I love you too, love of my life // A´maelarain: Beloved.// Anor: Sun.// Ithil: Moon. Feedback makes muses happy. Happy muses make happy authors, happy authors write faster… ;o) * * Special Thanks to Betas Emerald, Elaine & Gabriel * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Glorfindel knocked on Elrond´s bedroom door and hurried in as soon as he was beckoned. Elrond was looking distractedly at the horizon beyond the heavy screen of rain between his eyes and the distant imaginary line. “Erestor has not come back…” Glorfindel stated, worried. “He will. His lovers are here…” Elrond assured heavily despite his efforts to sound uncaring. “Are you sure he…” Glorfindel stopped speaking his thoughts as the Lord of Imladris turned crossly to face him. “I know what I saw Glorfindel!” The half-elf tried to control the tone of his voice, although he could not manage not to sound annoyed at the fact that his friend considered he had mistaken Erestor´s deeds, as if it were easy to misunderstand seeing your lover’s penis in another’s mouth. “One was taking him from behind; another sucked his shaft and the two left worked on his nipples. Does the picture leave any reason for a doubt?” “Maybe he was drunk…” “I should be the one trying to find a believable excuse for his acts Glorfindel. Not you. I should be the one trying to invent a plausible excuse to justify the unbearable pain in my chest that barely allows me to breathe, but I do not, because I know there is none…” Elrond approached Glorfindel and looked at him. “I SAW him…” The blond eldar sighed. Something did not fit in the entire scene. Why would Erestor suddenly participate in an orgy if he had not touched a soul since Elrond married Celebrian… Why now? He wondered over and over. “You still have doubts…” Elrond said exasperated as he pulled back from the eldar´s gaze. “Sometimes I think you are too naïve my friend… I wish I could be more like you.” “It has nothing to do with been naïve…” Glorfindel talked quietly, yet the tone of his voice warned the Lord of Imladris not to repeat the attitude he had used. “I only do not understand why now. Why has he decided to take four lovers at the same time when he has remained untouched since he found out about your engagement?” “Maybe he WAS drunk… I do not know… And frankly I do not care…” Glorfindel opened the door after a soft knock to find Celebrian waiting patiently outside. “Celebrian. Please come in.” Elrond asked courteously. “Can you leave us alone Glorfindel? Thank you.” He said after Glorfindel´s faint nod. “I only wanted to see how you were. I got very worried last night. And this morning you did not appear for breakfast. Has something happened?” She asked extremely concerned. “Yes… But I do not wish to discuss it now. I need to apologize for the way I behaved last night and I know I must have worried you…” “You did My Lord.” “I apologize. I was not myself…” “Are you feeling better now? Is there something I can do?” “I am afraid not my Lady…” He stated sadly yet politely. “If this is all about me…”She started to speak her line of thinking and stopped to consider her words for some moments. “I insist I talk to him. I can not bear to see you hurt… I do not want to be the cause of your unhappiness… Nor his…” “The pain in my heart could once have had something to do with our bond. But now it has turned into something more.” Elrond agreed sadly with the silvery haired Lady. “I have finally lost everything…” He whispered to himself. “Do not say that…” Celebrian whispered soothingly as she approached to pet Elrond´s back, making him turn to face her. “You have not lost everything. I do not know what is making you believe so, but it is not truth. You still have me. I am your friend and eventually I will be the mother of your children… YOU will have a family. So do not consider you have lost everything. Think you might have lost some to gain even more…” “Your counsel is wise to my thinking, though my heart can not see it the same way.” “It is still grieving… You should let it weep for as long as it need to… But eventually you will have to start thinking of yourself and the future of your people. These lands would disappear in less than a round of the sun without your ruling.” The Lórien Lady softly placed her right hand on Elrond´s heart “You will be happy again… I promise…” * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The following day Erestor knocked on Elrond´s private chamber’s door and waited impatiently for him to answer. The sun was still hiding and the clouds might not allow it to shine in full light, but it was struggling to rise and take its important place in the sky. The hallway where he was standing was dark, as the storm’s draughts of air had put the candles’ lights out. Erestor had hurried to get himself decent enough to come to see his beloved. Although it had only taken him half an hour to take a quick bath to remove the mud from his body, it had seemed an eternity to his heart. And now he was waiting in the door he once crossed without the need for permission… The door made the usual creak Erestor remembered. And he looked up from his feet to face the still angry Lord of Imladris inquiring silently what he was doing there at that hour of the morning… “I need to talk to you…” Erestor pleaded. “I have nothing to discuss with you Erestor, much less at this improper time...” Elrond barked coldly. “I am sorry if I woke you, but I do need to explain…” “Explain? You remembered, then?” The Lord of the house interrupted, amused as he crossed his arms around his chest showing his aloofness. “No… I …” “Then what are you planning on explaining Erestor? There is not much explanation for what I saw, nor would I like to hear it if there was. Now I want to try to go back to sleep even if it is for half an hour. And I recommend you to do the same. You are expected to appear at the morning council. ON TIME!” Without paying attention to his heartbroken lover, Elrond closed the door on Erestor´s face and headed to his bed where he dropped himself heavily. “I love you…” The Noldor elf mumbled to the closed door, crying softly, and after the few seconds that took him to think relatively clearly he went to his own room. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Erestor did not appear for breakfast, and he could hear Elrond´s annoyed bark from a distance as he was heading to the study with Glorfindel for the morning council. “I do not want to discuss this topic anymore Glorfindel. He can sleep with as many as he wants, for I will never be able to touch him again after what I saw. Not even the worst of the whores would allow herself to be treated that way!” The chief’s advisor breath caught up in his throat as he heard those angry derogatory words coming from his lover. He did consider him filthy scum… He felt so disgusted he did not want to lay a hand… “What are you doing here Erestor?” Rumil asked softly, obviously aware of the secrecy of the chief advisor’s presence in the room next to the one the other elves were speaking. “Eh…” The dark haired elven Lord could not find his vocal chords or a good excuse for his lame peeping actions. He was listening through the walls shamelessly. His mind was crowded by the sudden flashes of his beloved’s tender touch, reminding him of what Elrond would never be able to give him again. He started to cry. A soft hand came to rest on his cheek and petted it tenderly while wiping the tears away. The tenderness of the touch made Erestor tremble while his skin remembered what he had not have in a long time and now never would again… His face sought desperately for the warm, feathery like, soothing fingers brushing against his skin. He closed his eyes trying to forget about his life. The dark haired elf’s arm encircled swiftly around Rumil´s slim waist, pulling the blond elf to his body. Erestor trembled as the warm figure came to rest against his own, long arms rounded his neck pulling him into even greater contact, whilst the long pale fingers tangled in his dark untidy locks. Soft kisses started to trace their way down from his ear to the base of his neck and there, the faint bite made him moan weakly. His face moved politely away as the line of kisses headed for his lips and, seeming to understand Erestor´s choice to avoid the tender ministrations to be inflicted upon his alluring lips, it trailed down once again following down from the rushing pulse to the half open shirt. Erestor´s body leaned heavily against the wall as Rumil´s hands moved from his waist line to the opening of his pants. His hips bucked instinctively forward as one warm hand cupped his groin in it. His breathing became louder as the hungry touch rubbed regularly against his arousal, and after a few teasing moments he felt his pants been pulled completely open releasing his erection to the cold air of the fall morning. The dark haired elf looked down between fluttering eyelashes and the image almost undid him, the long pale fingers were stroking rhythmically his need harder and harder, he could not hold back a throaty moan. Rumil smiled with accomplishment and as if in slow motion, knelt in front the chief advisor of Imladris. Erestor´s eyes shut closed as the warm wet cavity took his need deeply into the blond elf’s throat. His hands instantly tangled in the silvery locks to guide the other to a pleasant steady rhythm and moaning louder than he meant to, he came into Rumil´s eager mouth. “Are you planning on joining us now?” The irritated roar asked from the side entrance. “Or are you planning on having a second round?” “No…I will be right there…” Erestor panted, grinning cynically. “Unless you want to join us that is…” He could not help but to laugh heartily at the outraged fuming look on his beloved’s features. The Lord of Imladris inhaled deeply and gathering his fury, decided to leave the room before he lost the little self control he had left. He never thought himself able to hurt Erestor but since the previous night the only thing he had in mind was to hit him as hard as he could… * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The meeting passed swiftly, and somehow Erestor felt a little better as he noticed Elrond´s annoyance with what he had witnessed. He was not sure why though. Glorfindel, instead had been looking at him with concerned, caring eyes… Now evening fell and Erestor was heading to the dinning room where dinner was about to be served, when he heard someone calling his name. “Rumil?” He asked puzzled as he approached the entrance of a dark, hidden garden inside the house. “Did you have any trouble with Lord Elrond? He looked angry.” He whispered. “Do not worry about that… What are you doing here?” “Haldir has just left. I was talking to him. Actually, HE was talking to me…” The blond young elf stated a little annoyed. “Ah, I was starting to think you had hidden from Elrond here…” Erestor teased softly, “What did Haldir tell you for you to look so gloomy?” Erestor asked tenderly while pulling a stray braid out of Rumil´s sight. “I was hiding from Lord Elrond too…” Rumil declared shyly trying to make Erestor forget about the conversation he had recently had with his older brother. Erestor nodded, smiling with amusement at the younger elf’s comment; and since his mind was still clouded with lots of things he did forget about his earlier question. “He will say nothing to you. Do not worry… Are you hungry? I was going to eat something in one of the gardens. Would you like to join me?” “Yes.” The blond elf smiled broadly. He was famished, but for nothing in the face of Arda would he have dared to show up for dinner that night. “Let us go get some food then. Come.” Erestor offered his hand to the younger elf still sitting in the stone bench and when he rose, they headed to the kitchen. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * It was late; Erestor had managed to relieve himself of his torturing constant thinking with the enjoyable company of the young Galadhrim. But it had only lasted a few hours. Now that he was heading to his room, to actually lie on his bed and stare at the ceiling of his room, his ghosts started to attack him again, if possible with even more power… He sighed deeply due to his frustration, but suddenly for the fist time in years he did not want to run to Elrond´s arms… In fact he did not even want to cross with the Lord of Imladris… The dark haired elf entered his darkened suite and approached one of the main chandeliers to light some candles. “I do not want to see you near him again…” The forbidding voice stated icily making Erestor jump in surprise. “Haldir? What are you doing in my private chambers?” The dark haired elf asked outraged as the other walked closer to the recently lit candles. “He is in love with you. And you will only hurt him.” The blond elf waited for a retort he knew he would never get. “You will never give him what he wants. So do not tease him with a lie.” “I have never promised anything.” Erestor managed to say, looking away from the piercing glance. “You can not love him. In fact you are not able to love anybody in your condition. So let him be.” With these last words Haldir vanished from Erestor´s sight. Breathing deeply, the dark haired elf realized he was lonely… He had been banished from his circle of friends… And the only one who had showed a tender word of comfort had been reasonably denied to him. For much as it pained his heart at this moment he decided he would bear this burden alone. He had already committed a big mistake allowing Rumil to get that close to him. He knew the young Galadhrim kept special feelings for him, yet in the middle of his pain Erestor forgot about them, forgot about avoiding the future pain he would cause the other… He inhaled deeply again and stared at his untouched bed for some seconds before he stormed out of his room, heading to the quarters in which the soldiers gathered during the nights. TBC… To Lose thyself Chapter: (5/?) Author: Celebrian. Pairing: Elrond/ Erestor, Erestor/ Rumil, Erestor/ ? & Glorfindel/ Haldir . (Tiny little bit of Elrond/ Celebrian.) Rating: NC17. (Mature readers only) Summary: What happened to Elrond´s & Erestor´s dreamy relationship when the Lord of Imladris married Celebrian?. Disclaimer: I don’t own them :o( But they all live in my mind. Warnings: Angst, non consensual sex situation (Rape) and suicidal tendencies/ thoughts. Author’s notes: Prequel to Falling into temptation. – I might add another short story in the middle of this two, but I am not sure yet -- -@- Elladan and Elrohir were not born yet. .-@- Elvish Translations: Amin mela lle: I love you. // Amin mela lle beika, Mela en´ coiamin: I love you too, love of my life // A´maelarain: Beloved.// Anor: Sun.// Ithil: Moon. Feedback makes muses happy. Happy muses make happy authors, happy authors write faster… ;o) * * Special Thanks to Betas Emerald, Elaine, Gabriel & Anu * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * A week later Erestor was coming back to the house through the gardens. It was not easy to avoid Elrond, Glorfindel, Rumil, Haldir, and Lindir… Well, actually, he tried to avoid everyone he knew. He could not stand that inquiring look everybody gave him as soon as they noticed him entering a room. He frowned as he heard a familiar giggle from not far away. * Celebrian. The last thing I needed today*. “Erestor…” Celebrian sang playfully happy from where she was sitting under a bower. The dark haired Lord turned to face the silver haired Lady grinning at him arrogantly. There was not way to avoid her. “My Lady” “Please. Come; keep me company for a while.” She asked politely while showing an empty seat in front of hers. “I am sorry but I am in a hurry” He tried to sound civil but he was aware of the tint of hate shading his voice. “Ah! It will not be necessary after all…” Celebrian smiled accomplished as she saw her husband approaching to them. “I would invite you to share tea with us but I have the strong feeling you will decline my offer” the mocking voice trailed off as the Lord of the house was coming closer. “My dear husband, I thought you were going to make me go look for you” “I am sorry I kept you waiting.” He smiled politely to her and then with a completely transformed face looked at Erestor almost menacingly. “Some of your chores are still undone. And some are from yesterday. Do you think you will be able to stop frolicking around the soldier’s quarters and the guest rooms for the rest of the day? You might be able to finish them.” “I do not think so. No… But I promise you. I will do my best.” Grinning mockingly Erestor left with out even looking back to enjoy the fuming expression on his Lord’s face. He could hear Celebrian asking Elrond not to worry as he walked away them… As he was climbing the stairs Erestor spotted Glorfindel sitting on Elrond’s small balcony. He was reading some parchments. He sighed as the blond elf saw him too. He could not escape now. At least he could not make a polite exit, and Glorfindel certainly did not deserve any other sort… Erestor needed not to worry his friend even more than he already was. “What are you doing Glorfindel?” Erestor asked his friend as he leaned on the rail of the balcony. “Reading some petitions from other lands.” The golden haired eldar announced dimly as he spared himself a moment to rub his eyes. “Should not Elrond be doing that?” The younger elf Lord could notice the weariness in his friend’s eyes and voice as clearly as if he was looking to a rock at the bottom of a pond filled with pure, crystalline water. “It seems he is busy…” Glorfindel stated smiling faintly. “You are tired... You should tell him to help you. He is the Lord of this Lands and he should be taking care of that”. “He is not feeling well. He needs to clear his mind.” The elder elf declared calmly. “He should not rely on you to fulfil the responsibility of keeping the entire valley running smoothly.” “Well, he is having a difficult time and I am trying to help the best I can… But paper work it is not the main reason I feel so weary.” The blond elf sighed sorrowfully. “My main concern is that I believe I do not know my two best friends anymore. Elrond is terribly irritable. And you… you avoid me every time we cross paths. Neither of you will tell me how I can help you and THAT troubles me deeply. I can not bear see you two suffering the way you are.” “You need not to trouble yourself for me my friend. I am well…” Erestor muttered, not even trying to convince himself about his supposedly reassuring statement. “I know you and I can see you are not well.” Glorfindel sighed once again as the dark haired elf looked away painfully. “I know you are not well. No one would be if they were doing what you do”. The blond eldar spoke, calmly trying not to set the internal warning alarm in Erestor´s heart which would make the other aware that someone still cared about him. Only someone who believed himself to deserve nothing would have chosen the kind of life Erestor was starting to live, and Glorfindel was sure Erestor thought that he was not worthy of love or caring. The golden haired eldar would daresay the other was also starting to consider himself unworthy of his own life. That is why he was drifting away and away from the ones who cared about him. Because they would stop him from hurting himself. Elrond did not help either, treating his former lover worse with every second that passed. “I do nothing the others do not…” Erestor chided like an annoyed child. “YOU are not others and you are not sleeping with all those elves because of sex, like they might do... You are doing it to forget and escape your problems.” Glorfindel stood from he was sitting and, after putting down the parchments he was reading, stood close to the dark haired elf that moved slightly away as if he was in some kind of danger. “I do not know what happened to make you act this way but I do know that THIS Erestor...” The younger elf Lord closed his eyes momentarily as the tender, caring hand came to rest on his cold cheek. “Is not who you are.” Erestor´s internal alarm warned him and forced him to back off, breaking the tender contact. “I do not know who I am anymore! Maybe THIS is me and the other was a mere fool. At least now I will not get hurt like I did…” Erestor´s voice trailed off quickly as he asked himself where had that come from? Recognizing to himself that he was hurt was NOT the same as speaking it out loud. Much less confessing it to Elrond’s best friend… Erestor trusted Glorfindel but he had also trusted Elrond… “To not be loved might be more painful than being loved.” The elder elf interrupted the other’s thinking. “You will not be able to bear a life like the one you are trying to live…” “You will not even spare my friend, would you?” Elrond barked as he climbed up to the same level Glorfindel and Erestor were on, talking. “Elrond!” Glorfindel admonished, raising slightly the tone of his voice. “You should consider moving to Bree. I am sure your NEW lifestyle will pass unnoticed there…” The Lord of Imladris grinned evilly as he saw the pain in Erestor´s eyes. But that pain only lasted a fraction of a second until Erestor´s eyes tinted with anger, an anger that chilled Elrond’s soul. An anger that will not be easily lifted from those now inexpressive blue eyes he had once so much loved. “I might consider that idea My Lord. When I had tasted the whole pleasures the valley can offer me.” Grinning cynically Erestor pierced coldly Elrond with his eyes. “Now if you excuse me I have to go find someone to share my bed with this night…” Glorfindel looked angrily at Elrond and for the first time since he had met the half-elf, he felt he was about to yell at him, but instead he managed to sound angry enough for Elrond to look puzzled at him. “I do not know what are you trying to do but THIS is not the way to go about it. Why do you push him like this? You KNOW he will act worse if he believes YOU consider him…” “A WHORE?” Elrond asked, interrupting the other’s speaking while arching an eyebrow to remark his words before he smiled mockingly. “But I do consider him so… I would be a hypocrite if I hid my thinking, would I not?” “Are you not one already?” Glorfindel asked in retort as he crossed his arms over his chest to wait for an answer that never came. Instead the Lord of the house kept eye contact defiantly with him. “You are the one hiding your real feelings from yourself and there is no worst hypocrite than one who lies to his own heart.” Elrond looked at his golden haired friend enraged, as Glorfindel did not relinquish his staring. “I do NOT hide from my feelings. I certainly could not care less about his life! He can fuck whoever and what ever he wants! AND I WILL NOT CARE!” Elrond roared, not able to control his anger. “Then why are you so angry and upset?!” Glorfindel retorted evenly, keeping a similar tone of voice, yet not yelling. “Because YOU, are continuously trying to talk about him when I have CLEARLY told you I DO NOT CARE about him!” “You will never stop caring about Erestor. You might not be able to see that now. But I do. I witnessed what you two had and that kind of bond is not easy to find. So if you want to keep lying to yourself, go ahead. But do not ask ME to sit with my arms crossed as I see the only two elves I care about destroying their lives in the way you are doing it!” Enraged Glorfindel stormed furiously off the balcony, leaving a livid Elrond behind. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Erestor headed to the stables, practically running to get his mare and not paying attention to the ones who looked at him puzzled. “Erestor!” The voice called for him firmly making him turn in his place. “You left while I was asleep…” “I had things to do…But now that I have finished them…” Erestor started to say with a husky voice. “Now… We can finish what we started”. His dark lusty eyes stared into the other elf’s. He smiled, accomplished as the other trembled noticeably despite his efforts not to do so. The chief advisor of Imladris cornered the other against the wooden door, not caring about the public that pretended not to be paying attention to the scene they were witnessing. His body pressed hard against the other’s until he found himself briskly pulled inside an empty stall. He felt rough uncaring hands worked free his erect penis and the cold fingers stroked him almost painfully. Erestor closed his eyes tightly while whimpering under an uncomfortable mix of pain and pleasure. It was too rough, but biting his lower lip he forced himself not to say a word. Suddenly his body was uncaringly thrown across the short wooden wall. His pants were yanked down, probably ripped, his face buried in his arms clinging from the edge of the wall, until an abrupt agonizing pain made him cry out loud. With that Erestor managed to get the attention of the ones who were actually not watching the show. And between held back tears he could see as the greater part of the working elves left the place with a revolted expression on their faces. Despite the dreadful, uncaring impaling of the other’s member in his body Erestor smiled to himself. He had managed to sicken almost everybody in the stable. THIS was NOW him! “I will give you a real reason…” He muttered between clenched teeth. “I will give you more than one…” He held himself steady from the edge of the insecure wall as the other elf came inside him with a deep throaty moan. Erestor felt sick. Yet he grinned with accomplishment. If Elrond had decided to hate him and feel disgusted about him, the chief advisor of Imladris decided he would definitely give his former lover a good reason to feel the repulsion he felt… Somehow Glorfindel´s words came to his mind…But at this point Erestor did not care if he would be able to bear a life like this one or not… in fact he did not care… * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Celebrian entered her husband’s study and, without being noticed, she filled two goblets with wine. Quietly she walked to Elrond’s side. “This might help you forget.” She stated as she offered the full glass. “Thank you…” The Lord of Imladris drank a sip of the glass’s content and looked absentminded away, through the window. “Have you argued with him?” She asked softly, as if wishing to entrance him. “No.” “I would like to see you forget about him. He does not deserve to be the owner of your heart. He obviously did not know to appreciate the beautiful gift you made him…” “I can not forget all I have felt. And for as much I try I still …” Elrond swallowed hard not wanting to speak his feelings out loud. . “I wish I could stop feeling like I do. All this is… too much pain… I …will not be able to handle it…” after confessing his heart to his wife, between gasps, he finally dared look at her. As if waiting for a magical solution or magical advice which could stop the pain in his heart. “I do know what to do, or say. All I have to offer you is my love. But for that you first have to let me in your heart. I know I will not be able to take Erestor´s place in it. But… I will NEVER be able to hurt you like he did.” Celebrian stated most tenderly, as her hand rose to pet Elrond´s pale cheek. “I will take care of you.” Her body came to be closer in front of Elrond´s as she clung feather-like from the Lord of Imladris´ neck, her breasts barely teasing the other’s senses. Her lips brushed against Elrond´s, barely touching them. A smile of accomplishment was born on her face when the other closed his eyes to enjoy the soft ministration inflicted upon him. Leaning forward again she kissed him. This time allowing more contact until her mouth was finally covered by her husbands. Elrond pulled her slim body to his own as his arms circled her waist. The kisses grew more desperate, their hands running all over their bodies… “Let us … go to my bed…” She managed to gasp between kisses and the extremely distracting hand cupping one of her breasts. “Please…” Elrond looked at her with lusty eyes and nodded vaguely. He was aroused but he was not sure he wanted to go to bed with her. Yet… he started to let her guide him out off the study and towards her private chambers. Perhaps, he thought, this will help him forget… And after all, sooner or later he would *have* to sleep with her. Heirs were needed and *that* had been the only reason for their marriage. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Glorfindel sighed as he closed the book in his lap. He was too tired and crowded minded, to read it. He felt as if he was living in a parallel world. What had happened to the ones he thought he knew? Both his friends were incapable of hurting a fly, yet they were hurting each other as if it was some sort of contest they needed to win. Vainly, Glorfindel had tried for the past days, to reason with Elrond and Erestor, but a rock would have been more open minded to his advice than those stubborn elves. The blond eldar was aware that Elrond had seen his lover having sex with others but the golden haired elf was sure something had happened. Erestor was in love with Elrond and what had happened, just, did not make any sense. Tired and defeated due his constant thinking, Glorfindel sighed heavily. He was feeling tired, the managing of practically the entire house was starting to take it’s toll on his body, and dealing with the new personalities of his dark haired friends exhausted him, even more than he could imagine. He was feeling tired… and lonely… All this seemed a shared nightmare from which none of them was able to wake. A nightmare; in which, each one of them lived a different reality. He ran his right hand along his skull after rubbing his forehead insistently while a muffled complaint escape his lips as he moved his head to one side. A pair of hands placed on his tense shoulders made him painfully snap his head back, to face the intruder of his privacy. “You look weary Glorfindel.” Haldir stated as he stroked rhythmically the elder’s shoulders. “Look forward.” The guardian of Lórien ordered, smiling at the outraged face staring at him. He could not help but smirk when silently the other complied. “You are awfully tense. I can not imagine what can be troubling you this much” The silver haired elf purred never stopping the even movements of his hands. “I do not think anyone can”. The Imladris Lord muttered as he closed his eyes surrendering to the pleasurable movements of the other’s massage. It had been a long time since he felt another’s touch… Glorfindel moaned faintly as the relaxing ministrations to his tensed shoulders started to have the expected effect and his body moved, instinctively seeking greater contact with the alluring touch. One of Haldir´s hands slowly started to slide across his chest to end up resting on one of his erect nipples, over the thin fabric of his shirt whilst a warm mouth captured his ear, nibbling it fervently before whispering nonsense to his now rushing pulse. Glorfindel´s head moved to the opposite side from where the pleasurable taunt came, allowing better access to his pale and alluring neck. Haldir gave a soft provoking bite to the moon-like flesh and rounded the chair to end up kneeling between Glorfindel´s parted and inviting legs. The golden haired eldar managed to see the Lórien elf working his pants open and in the fraction of a second the other’s mouth was moving against him. His body quivered as the warm cavity took him fully into Haldir´s throat. Holding himself steady from the arms of his chair Glorfindel growled as the pace increased until it suddenly stopped. When he opened his eyes he saw Haldir grinning wickedly at him. He wanted more than that... Glorfindel rose from his seat, and tugging his pants closed ordered steadily for Haldir, to follow him. They went to his room and there the golden haired elf removed his shirt. Between half open eyelids he could see the other staring at him lustily. Not precisely what Glorfindel looked for, in a lover’s eyes. Love was not an easy thing to find, but at least he liked to see a caring glimpse mixed with the obvious lust of the moment, which Haldir´s did not have… His usual random lovers were not near Imladris… so he decided to settle with only lust for this night… “And I thought you were going to show some resistance…” The Galadhrim mused as he approached to stand in front of the other elf, waiting for his move. “You would have enjoyed that…” “Indeed I would. But either way I had to have you…” The guardian of Lórien stated as he ran his hand across Glorfindel´s chest muscles. “You only chose the easy one…” “Are you planning on talking much longer?” “My… Are we in a hurry tonight… You surprise me Glorfindel…” Haldir laughed as he turned around to walk to the window. “Now that I consider the entire situation, I think… I would like to…” His voice trailed dramatically off as a strong arm encircled his chest from under his own and a confident hand cupped his arousal. The strong grip held him steady pressing in the middle of his chest, as the other hand rubbed tauntingly his aroused member through the too thick fabric. Haldir could feel the other’s erratic breathing playing on his neck, teasing him… Despite the fact, that he had not wanted to surrender so easily his head fell back to rest on Glorfindel´s shoulder. “And I thought you were going to show some resistance…” The Imladris elf mocked as Haldir moaned loudly, fluttering his eyelashes. Glorfindel grin when a loud restricted ‘Ahhh…’ managed to escape Haldir´s throat. “I can tease too Haldir. I can make you plead if I want.” A playful smirk formed on his lips as the Lórien elf could do nothing but tremble in his arms. “Do you want me to make you plead?” Glorfindel purred with a husky voice to the other’s ear. The Lórien guard closed his eyes as the soft whisper of the blond eldar collided with his flushed ear. Did he want to beg Glorfindel for his touch? He had never before had to beg. Did he want to? He was shivering in the ancient elf’s arms like he had never done before… But suddenly he found enough strength to turn around in the strong grip. He looked into Glorfindel´s darkened eyes and grinned. “You will not… You want me to take you…” “Indeed. I do. But I will make you cry out with need if you dare try to tease me again tonight.” Haldir trembled hard at the promising yet confusing words. Glorfindel´s warning had been real… And he knew the elven Lord would accomplish it. He stared into Glorfindel´s inquiring eyes and after some seconds dropped his head to suck the other’s nipples making Glorfindel twist in his grip. Haldir smiled, perhaps relieved, he had all under his control once again. At least that was what he wanted to believe. He yanked open Glorfindel´s pants once more and slid his hand into them. He steadily rubbed the hard erection while the Imladris Lord kicked the discarded trousers off his feet. Swift, skilful hands untied his own pants, letting them fall to the floor. The guardian of Lórien pulled the one in his arms almost clumsily to the bed. And with this action he wondered where all his need came from… Lying on top of the other, Haldir opened a small bottle which was waiting in his hand. He had managed to pull it out of his pocket before the fabric came to end disregarded on the stone floor. Glorfindel closed his eyes as Haldir´s member impaled and penetrated him with one swift move. His hands clenched the bed covers as hard as they could until the other hit that special spot which would lead him to the ecstasy of release. It did not take them long to find it so. Glorfindel´s trigger was the other’s body brushing against his awakened flesh, and Haldir´s was the eldar´s sounds… After a few seconds the Lórien guardian rolled off Glorfindel´s body, still panting for air. Resting one of his hands on his agitated chest, he looked at the one lying next to him. And wondered how it would have been if he had had enough courage to surrender… A few moments later Haldir leapt from the bed, making Glorfindel turn to see him as he picked up his clothes from the floor and slipped his naked body into them. “You did not think I was going to hold you in your sleep, did you?” The guardian of Lórien mocked the one staring at him while pulling his pants up. “I would have never expected that from you.” The Imladris elf stated as his gaze changed to the ceiling above his bed. “It relieves my heart to hear that…” Haldir laughed softly before he hurriedly left the room. TBC… To Lose thyself Chapter: (6/12) Author: Celebrian. Pairing: Elrond/ Erestor, Erestor/ Rumil, Erestor/ ? & Glorfindel/ Haldir . (Tiny little bit of Elrond/ Celebrian.) Rating: NC17. (Mature readers only) Summary: What happened to Elrond´s & Erestor´s dreamy relationship when the Lord of Imladris married Celebrian?. Disclaimer: I don’t own them :o( But they all live in my mind. Warnings: Angst, non consensual sex situation (Rape) and suicidal tendencies/ thoughts. Author’s notes: Prequel to Falling into temptation. – I might add another short story in the middle of this two, but I am not sure yet -- -@- Elladan and Elrohir were not born yet. .-@- Elvish Translations: Amin mela lle: I love you. // Amin mela lle beika, Mela en´ coiamin: I love you too, love of my life // A´maelarain: Beloved.// Anor: Sun.// Ithil: Moon. Feedback makes muses happy. Happy muses make happy authors, happy authors write faster… ;o) * * Special Thanks to Betas Elaine, Anu & Ania :o) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * In the morning after breakfast everybody who was gathered for the council were leaving to start with their daily chores. Erestor had been the first to leave, followed by Haldir and Rumil. Elrond clenched his fist as the image of Erestor´s cock sliding in and out of the youngest Lórien guardian came to his mind mixed with the one of the orgy he had accidentally witnessed. Why could he not stop feeling this way? Why did those images kept torturing him this way? His gaze came to rest on his long time friend tidying up some papers on the main strategies table. Something was not right with Glorfindel today… He had been quiet for most part of the council, not to mention distracted…and that was very unlikely conduct for him. “Are you feeling well?” The Lord of Imladris asked as he approached the blond elf. “Yes. Only tired.” “Why do I have the feeling you are lying to me?” Elrond asked in a friendly tone, as if trying to throw down the icy wall that had been constructed between them the previous day with their fight. “Because I am…” Glorfindel said, chuckling to himself. “There is something I can do to help you? Besides saying that I am sorry for my behaviour yesterday?” “No… I am afraid you are not” Glorfindel smiled wearily at his half- elven friend and went back to ordering the papers. “I am tired. Elrond… I am tired of seeing you and Erestor hurting each other, I am tired of not knowing either of you any more… And I deeply regret…” His voice suddenly trailed off and his gaze, which he had raised to momentarily face Elrond, went back to the papers. “What is that you regret?” The Lord of the house asked concerned for the pain in the other’s eyes. “Never mind… The fact is that the only family I know is disintegrating…and I find myself unable to do anything to stop it. The worst is that I know how things are going to end…” Glorfindel knew that both Erestor and Elrond would not last for long with out each other’s affection. Their hearts were broken and no elf was able to survive a broken heart, no matter how much they tried to hide that fact… Elrond swallowed hard. He knew Glorfindel was right, it was of no use to fool himself and try to believe he was going to be able to handle the situation… He was sure that a few more times of seeing his still loved one in any arms but his own would finally take him to Mandos Halls. But it had been enough for him and this problem that haunted him had no solution. Maybe his blond friend had… “What is that you regret?” Elrond asked again as he searched the mental images in his head since he first saw his friend in the dawn…and sighed “You regret that you slept with Haldir?” He finally plainly asked, knowing by both elves actions there was little scope for error in his assumption. “Yes. I … the only reason I found plausible last night vanished completely from the reasonable side of my thinking …and something within myself tells me that I will regret it even more in the future… I … can not explain… the feeling” “You do not have to. I know how it feels.” “Honestly, I do not know how Erestor manages to handle this …empty feeling remaining in yourself after having sex with someone you do not care about…” “I do not wish to speak of Erestor nor now, nor ever, Glorfindel. I am tired of that topic. I cannot justify what he did… Hard as I try I can not. And believe me; I DO try more than I would ever like to admit…” Elrond stated, waving his hands faintly as he walked to the little table which held the wine and the goblets to serve it. Three were usually left there for the nights on which Erestor, Glorfindel and himself used to stay late, discussing the affairs of the city or merely frivolously talking … One was missing. He searched the entire study visually and found nothing. Then, paying no more attention to the triviality his mind had managed to waver, the Lord of Imladris poured the sweet scented liquid into the transparent receptacles. “Something is not right with this situation, Elrond. I do not know what, but I can sense it. Only someone who hates himself would be doing that to his soul and body. He is punishing himself…and you”. “Why would he be punishing himself? It does not make sense… And if he is punishing me, he is doing an excellent job… I have tried to reach him before all this madness was unleashed and he did not let me near him… Perhaps he does not want me near him anymore. Have you never considered the fact that he might actually enjoy this… new life of his…?” The half-elven Lord asked painfully. “No one would be able to enjoy a loveless life.” Glorfindel stated to himself as he took one of the offered goblets filled with wine. “He might be punishing you, but do you not think it might be a way to get your attention? Is it not too early to be drinking wine?” He asked, reacting to what he had just drunk unawares. “Mnnn.. Not for me…I will get myself drunk if I cannot rest this night.” Elrond dropped himself gracelessly into one of the chairs next to the window and drank the entire contents of his goblet. “Maybe that will help…” As much as he loved Erestor he also hated him for hurting him the way only he could. And, as much he wanted it, he could not forget what he had seen, nor he could forgive… * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Erestor was heading to the kitchens to get something to eat. It was now a habit to get up practically in the middle of the morning, just in time for a quick bath before attending the counsel when it gathered. “Erestor. Can I speak with you?” Rumil´s soft voice almost pleaded, making the dark haired elf turn, not only to face the loving gaze of the younger Galadhrim but also his brother’s threatening face. It was not necessary for Haldir to speak. It was made perfectly clear to Erestor that he would not allow him, by any chance, to hurt Rumil. “I am in a hurry now.” Erestor stated as the oldest guardian of Lórien left him and his brother alone. “I only want to know why you are avoiding me… It is something I have done?” The chief advisor of the valley sighed at hearing of the young elf’s words. So young and innocent… Looking into those emerald green eyes on the edge of tears Erestor saw the true pain he can cause to the other’s heart and he certainly did not want to hurt Rumil… “I do not understand what I might have done…” The blond elf voice was soft and sweet yet filled with the fear and insecurity of someone who had not been touched… “Rumil…what happened in the Library…” “You wish it had never happened…” came the hurt whisper. “I can not give you what you want…what you *deserve*” “Did Haldir speak to you?!” “No…” Erestor lied believingly, considering it best for the young elf not to know about his brother’s intrusions into his personal affairs... Rumil would certainly need someone to listen to him or at least be with him the following days… Although if the dark haired elf acted before hurting Rumil´s heart, it did not mean that it had not been badly injured and the worst was that Erestor knew that…“Why would he speak to me?” “Well… He…” “Does not want you to be with me?” Waiting for an answer that never came Erestor smiled tenderly. “He is right. You should not” “But…” “Rumil…” Erestor whispered as he came to be in front of the young Galadhrim. “Look at me…” He pleaded in a honeyed voice, cupping the other’s chin for Rumil to meet his gaze. “I will only hurt you Pen- Neth…” “You will not…” “Yes. I will. I am not myself anymore.” Erestor´s face hardened as his own words found a home on his lips. “I will not bother you anymore then…” Pulling away swiftly Rumil whispered. “I am sorry if I ever did…” With that last phrase the young Galadhrim disappeared down the labyrinth of hallways. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * More than half a year had passed and everything in Imladris was running smoothly, everything but the hearts of the ones who ruled her. * * * * * * * * * * * “Ahhh… Harder!” He ordered to the one taking him at that moment. Erestor ´s eyes were closed painfully tight as the other’s cock impaled him mercilessly. He was being taken so hard that he was aware of the ripped muscles within his body. Yet it did not seem to be enough. Lately it never seemed to be enough to make him forget. The pain was now a conscious, constant and unpleasant companion which he was not able to get rid of, even in the few minutes he found his release. His sex rounds had increased in number and frequency as his feelings grew more and more insistent with their torturing. At the beginning, these rounds of uncaring touches seemed to help but now… “Harder!” Now…it was not enough… Nothing was… A loud cry of release came from the one behind him, then he was crushing carelessly into Erestor’s back. After a couple of minutes the other finally moved, allowing him to slip from the bed and into his clothes. “Leaving so soon? I thought we might have a second round!” “I am not in the mood. I will see you tonight” Erestor stated and disappeared as quickly as he had come in the elf’s private rooms. He hurried along the lowest terraces to the public baths. He could not stand the other’s sweat on his body anymore, he wanted to clean himself. On his way he passed over the main garden, Celebrian´s favourite… and there she was… sitting under the bower. Erestor sighed; annoyed as her chidings reached his ears… she was complaining again about, Elbereth knows what this time. Elrond was standing by her side, looking lost somewhere, anywhere, but his wife’s words… She seemed to notice that too… for she snapped the Lord of the house out of his reverie, calling his name demandingly… Probably it would be the best to give up life and finally go to Mandos Halls… Erestor thought to himself. The little, tiny hope he had left vanished completely when Celebrian fell pregnant more than half a year ago. He entered to the main bath house and, pulling his clothes off on the way he sank entirely into the warm water. Several minutes later his head popped up, breathing harshly from the lack of air on his lungs… “I should have stayed down…” He panted, coughing to his only listener, the air. * * * * * * * * * * * Elrond entered the study while unlacing his robe and speaking to himself. After discarding the robe on to one empty cabinets he headed to where the recently filled bottle of wine was waiting for him. “You are drinking too much.” Startled the Lord of Imladris turned to face his friend. “I know…” With two filled goblets Elrond sat clumsily in front of Glorfindel and handed him one. “And, I am making you drink with me.” He bitterly mused before drinking a sip of wine. “It is not the solution.” “There is no solution…And do not dare try to convince me. As you always try to do, to go talk to that… whore…” Sighing, defeated, the blond eldar drank his wine silently. “Are you drunk?” The elder elf asked as he noticed the other’s lethargic motions and detectable slurring whilst talking. “Not yet… Hopefully I will be, within an hour…” The Lord of Imladris stated, pouring more wine into his already empty glass. “You never considered that you might still be this… angry because you still love him?” The golden haired elven- Lord asked matter of factly. “Mnnn… Not again Glorfindel… Can you not spare me a single day with out having to discuss this…?” “Am I interrupting something?” The voice from the door asked. “It is most strange to see *you* here…” Elrond stated dryly, as he managed to accommodate his now tensed body elegantly into the chair. “I’ve come for the letters you wanted me to check…” “Mnnn… Yes…” The Lord of the house stood inelegantly from his chair and headed to his disorderly desk. “Do you think you will have them checked by tomorrow afternoon? Or is it going to interfere with your… daily schedule in attending the entire population of Imladris?” “I will do my best…” Erestor answered, grinning widely. “And do not worry. It will not interfere with my usual activities…” Before Elrond could retort Erestor was out of the room. “I am in love with a whore…” Muttering between his teeth the half-elven Lord sat in his previous chair. “What?” Asked Glorfindel stunned as he pulled his gaze from the fireplace. “I said was in love with a whore…” Elrond muttered once again as if he did not want to repeat his words. “That was not what you said…You said * I AM *…” “I did not…” Elrond stated, outraged, after drinking his wine. “I am afraid you did…” “I know what I said and it was not that. Do you want more wine?” Serving nervously Elrond went on “He is nothing but a whore…” “If that is what you still want to believe…” The golden haired elf muttered tiredly. Elrond and he never agreed on this particular topic… “I will go see that Lindir has everything ready for dinner. I assume you are not going to eat tonight…” Glorfindel´s answer came in a disgusted grimace “Thought so… Well … I will come back later then…” “I do not need you checking on me as if I were…” “You re acting like one…” Glorfindel cut the other’s complaint as if reading the Lord’s of Imladris mind. “I will come back as soon as I am free…” *Yes father… * was what Elrond wanted to add but he did not want to give Glorfindel another reason to bother him, so he just nodded and stared into the blazing fire. Why was his friend obsessed with treating him like if he was 50 years or less? How clear was it that his elder friend did not have to deal with Celebrian´s practically all day chiding, and watching the one who once was the only reason Arda gave you to live for fucking everybody… No one had the smallest idea how it was to be the Lord of this valley… Smirking derogatorily to himself Elrond reached for the bottle of wine. He would certainly be better off if he were but a worker in the stables… He would only have to worry about tending the horses… He would certainly be happier… And he would undoubtedly still be with Erestor… Scratching his head Elrond considered the idea that Erestor would have fallen in love with him if he had been a stable worker back then. After some consideration, and pouring the last contents of the bottle in his goblet he came to the conclusion that Erestor would, indeed, have loved him even if he were but a servant. Elrond sighed at this idea. How much he missed his lover’s tenderness… How could his beloved have managed to became the arrogant, disgusting elf he had became… how could this two different beings live in the same lovely body the half – elven Lord had loved? Annoyed at his own thinking, Elrond rose from his chair and headed to the kitchen. He had run out of wine, and he was still not drunk… TBC… To Lose Thyself Chapter: (3-5/12) Author: Celebrian. e-mail: Celebrian@fibertel.com.ar Pairing: Elrond/ Erestor, Erestor/ Rumil, Erestor/ ? & Glorfindel/ Haldir . (Tiny little bit of Elrond/ Celebrian.) Rating: NC17. (Mature readers only) Summary: What happened to Elrond´s & Erestor´s dreamy relationship when the Lord of Imladris married Celebrian?. Disclaimer: I don’t own them :o( But they all live in my mind. Warnings: Angst, non consensual sex situation (Rape) and suicidal tendencies/ thoughts. Author’s notes: Prequel to Falling into temptation. – I might add another short story in the middle of this two, but I am not sure yet -- -@- Elladan and Elrohir were not born yet. .-@- Elvish Translations: Amin mela lle: I love you. // Amin mela lle beika, Mela en´ coiamin: I love you too, love of my life // A´maelarain: Beloved.// Anor: Sun.// Ithil: Moon. Feedback makes muses happy. Happy muses make happy authors, happy authors write faster… ;o) * * Special Thanks to Betas Elaine, Anu & Ania :o) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Chapter: (3/?) She stood up and quickly headed for the balcony entrance where four young elves were carefully hiding from any possible viewer. “He is ready.” She stated and with no further words, the elves rushed into the room to pick up the unconscious body. “He seems dead.” The younger one worried out loud. “Are you having second thoughts? I remind you and the rest of you that you need to do exactly as I told you to do, to receive the rest of your payment. Not to mention that if you do not do this little favour to me I might remember the ones I saw hunting within the borders of the city…” “You need not to worry my Lady. My brother is young and he frightens easily. We will do as we have agreed, in fact I think we will enjoy doing it…” The one who seemed to have the definitive word stated as he ran an exploring finger over Erestor´s inert features. “He is indeed alluring.” “I do not care if you enjoy it or not. I only want you to do exactly as I ordered you to. No less!” “Then we can do more…”. The same blond elf mused wickedly out loud. “Take him.” He ordered at the ones holding Erestor´s dead-like body. “Give us half an hour to prepare ourselves…” He grinned wickedly and left after his friends, leaving Celebrian alone in the study. She went to pick up the glass shards scattered all over the carpet and in the process she cut one of her fingers. Once she had managed to pick up every little piece of crystal, she headed to find her husband. Luckily she found him rapidly staring into the back gardens of the house. “My Lord? Are you still searching for your beloved? Has he not appeared yet?” Celebrian´s most concerned voice asked pretending to be weary. “No. I am hoping to see him. He enjoys walking around the gardens during the night time.” “I do not think he would be walking under this cruel weather.” She assured as she walked to stand next to Elrond, to stare outside the window of the hallway. “Have you searched inside the house?” “I did.” The Lord of the House stated defeated. “Why do you not try again? You probably crossed each other at some point.” “You might be right.” Elrond sighed heavily. “It is late.” He looked at her puzzled. “What are you doing up at this hours of the night?” “Oh. I was thirsty, and I had no more water in the jar of my room.” She stated smiling broadly. “Come to the kitchen with me. We might find Erestor in the way.” Lingering her arm with her husbands´ Celebrian led the way to the kitchen. * * * * * * * * * * * * Once in the deserted room… “I need something to warm my body. Would you like to have tea with me?” “Yes I could use something warm.” “I will prepare it then. If only I could find where the things are…” She mumbled quietly. “The tea is on that shelf…” Elrond pointed, fighting not to look as far away as he was at that moment. The only recurring thing torturing his mind was Erestor´s disappearance and recent behaviour. “And… I will go get some sugar. The pot is empty.” “Alright” She agreed, sounding indifferent as she looked at him passing the entrance of the small hallway that would lead Elrond to the dispensary. Elrond quickly searched the dark room and found the big sugar container in one of the corners. While filling the small pot he held in his left hand, he got distracted by a distant noise. He recognized the nature of it as soon as he focused his attention on it. It was the unmistakable moaning of sex. It took him a little longer to notice that there were more than two participants. The pot of sugar, seconds ago empty, was now full to the top. And when Elrond was about to leave the room he felt the strange urge to follow the sounds. Something became heavier in his heart; he felt his breathing becoming uneven almost in a pattern with the increasing palpitations of his heart. Why was he so perturbed? He had certainly participated in orgies before and he was also aware that some took place within his household. So why was he feeling the urgency to follow the moaning to it’s source? Without giving himself more time to consider the idea, the Lord of Imladris headed down the corridor which would lead him to the noises´ source. Elrond froze at the image that the small open window revealed to his eyes. His hands clenched wrathfully to the sides of his body and within less than a couple of seconds he found himself storming back the same way he had come. Raging through the kitchen he avoided Celebrian´s puzzled words and left her somewhere behind on the way to his private chambers. The walls holding the doors of his quarters seemed to tremble as the slammed door collided sturdily with its almost identical companion. His clenched hands started to ache and his lips were barely capable of restraining an already formed shout of rage from leaving his lungs. Breathing heavily Elrond found himself throwing one of the glass vessels, accommodated on the nearest table, against the wall. The shattered container fell on to the floor in several pieces while the water that filled it, ran it’s way down the wall in the form of thin transparent lines, the brutally battered flowers fell into the small pool of water formed on the stone floor. Suddenly he found himself stepping down the stairs of his terrace and the last time he focused his mind he found himself at the stables. Taking his mare without answering the worried questions of the young elf in charge, he left with the order to remain silent. He stormed out and forcing the animal to the extreme, he headed to the top of the valley. Dismounting briskly he cried out in frustration to the air over and over, while clenching his hands at the sides of his body. That seemed not to be enough, for his fisted hand hit the trunk of the nearest tree making it shake despite its deep roots. Dry yellowy leaves started to fall around him while his body fell heavily to the dirty ground. His hands cupped his face as the held back tears started to scroll down his cheeks. The anger developed into a mix of despair and pain, the cries once of rage became a steady, uncontrollable sob of hurt. He could not breathe, the pain in his chest became almost intolerable, he fell into the grass, the torturing images kept coming to his mind over and over, making his chest constrict even more than it already was… Erestor´s head had been resting in the shoulder of the elf taking him forcefully from behind as another sucked greedily on his cock. His moaning had been faint, responding to the pleasure his body was receiving, he was groaning at the touch of other… others… Another two blond elves worked his nipples sucking and licking them from time to time… not stopping even when Erestor had cried his release and filled the other’s mouth… Elrond shut tightly his eyes as the cry of Erestor´s release sound in his mind. He could still hear his beloved panting tiredly in the arms of another, not his… How could he have been such a fool? To let himself be hurt in this way…? So blind had he been that he had not noticed Erestor had taken others? The distance, the apathy, the disinterest… Elrond blamed his lack of cleverness at the time for his failure to be aware of his beloved’s activities. He had been a fool… The Lord of Imladris stayed curled up against the wet grass until Anor started to bless Arda with its first rays of light. He was feeling extremely weak, his eyes hurt and so did his chest. His breathing was calmer now but that did not mean he was breathing well, every gasp of air that managed to pass into his lungs seemed to set them on fire every time… He stood dizzily and after whistling twice his mare appeared, he mounted with difficulty and headed to the house… * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Erestor rolled uneasily under the heavy covers that kept his naked body from being completely exposed to any of the elves heading to the kitchen. He complained faintly as his muscles screamed silently as the sore places had been suddenly awoken. His numb eyes closed tightly as he acknowledged the nature of the pain. *What have I done?* He thought as he tried to curl up painfully while trying to remember how he had ended up there…* What have I done…?* After several minutes he ordered his fevered mind to focus his eyes on the room in search of the tiniest of the clues, something that spoke to him of how he had ended up naked in a strange bed. But there was no such a thing, all he noticed was that the bed he was laying was a mess and his clothes were strewn all over the floor. For a moment he considered the idea that he might have spent the night with Elrond and he had only left him there to go get something but the illusion vanished as he tried to sit on the edge of the bed and the soreness of the entrance to his body proved itself to be capable of hurting even more. Tears of pain rolled down his pale cheeks as he moved to stand. It had not been his lover; he would never hurt him the way the one he had spent the night with did… He stood with difficulty and gathered all the discarded pieces of clothing. Dropping down the coverlet stained with semen he once held tight around his neck as if it were a cape, he saw himself in the cracked mirror. His body was tinted with purple and black marks, some of them obviously bites, the other ones he assumed had been inflicted by sucking hard on the delicate skin and others were inflicted by the strong hold of uncaring hands… He looked away feeling sicker than he already did and managed to put his pants on. He closed his eyes and once again tried to remember how he had ended there, and with whom. But it was useless… No memory came to his confused brain. Sighing heavily Erestor pulled his shirt over his head and left the small room to head to his private chambers. Once there he filled the bathtub and sank in it. It took him some time to fill it but he could not risk going to the public bathrooms, someone might see his abused body and he was not going to be able to explain how it had come to happen. And even if they did not ask, the rumour of the obvious marks might reach Elrond´s ears. And that was the only thing Erestor cared: for Elrond not to find out. Never to find out what he had allowed another to do to him… * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Erestor went to Elrond´s study; one of the three counsellors of Lórien stopped his speech when he noticed the late arrival of Elrond´s chief advisor. “I mean no interruption Counsellor please feel free to continue.” Erestor forced his voice to sound even and painfully bit his tongue when he sat in his usual chair. Using the last self control his body had left, he managed to keep the tears from leaving his eyes while awkwardly trying to shift in the now uncomfortable seat to find the least agonizing position which allowed him to actually listen to the other’s words. Two hours later the bell calling them for lunch sounded, ending the meeting. After the agreeing to continue the discussion after the midday meal, the Lórien elves left the study. “I am glad you decided to honor us with your presence. Erestor.” Elrond stated icily as he headed to his desk. “Are you feeling well?” Glorfindel asked, worried as a mask of pain appeared on Erestor´s face as he rose from his chair. “Do not trouble yourself Glorfindel. It is natural to end up sore after being part of an orgy. It will pass.” The half elven Lord tried to look casually at his golden haired friend, who looked at him and then back at Erestor without being able to form any words. “I did not think you were going to be able to join us after your activities last night… But once again you proved me wrong.” He smiled mockingly. “I would advice a private place for next time unless you have been expecting an audience that is…” “I… How?” Erestor mumbled felling dizzy; he had not only been with one but with more... “You saw me…” He whispered ashamed as he closed his eyes. “Erestor?” Disbelievingly Glorfindel asked in a whisper. “I do not know… I …” Elrond smiled shaking slightly his head, playing to be amused. “You never mentioned you enjoyed orgies…” “I do not!” Erestor cried with a cracked voice as the tears started to run through his face. “I do not know what happened…I cannot remember!” “I can help you remember…”The Lord of Imladris said cynically as he approached to stand in front of his former lover. “Picture the cheapest whore in Bree surrounded by four lusty immoral elves and then change her image for your own. THAT is a short summary of what I saw. Hope that helps your memory…” He smiled awkwardly and stepped out off the room. Erestor looked at Glorfindel, who was about to speak, and ran out of from the room. He could hear the blond eldar calling his name worriedly but he could not come back. He could not answer questions about something he could not remember. He ran and ran until he fell onto the dirt of the riverbank after slipping his foot over a rock and losing his balance. His forehead sank in the mud, and there he cried miserably for hours until thick droplets of rain started to hit him on his back and all around him. He sat and looked around him, there was no place to refuge from the storm and he was too far away from the house to try to go back. He needed to talk to Elrond, to try to explain something… If maybe he pointed the ones that were with him, he might be able to remember... Or to interrogate them about the facts of the entire night… The chief advisor of Imladris stood and walked towards the waterfall. Jumping over the slippery rocks, he entered a small cavern he had spotted behind the increasing curtain of water. He needed to talk to his beloved; he needed to tell him he was the only one in his heart that he would never hurt that way… But he had, for his own pain spoke of the events he had been involved in… But why and how had he come to that? Had those elves gotten him drunk? Erestor sighed in frustration. He had made love before after drinking large quantities of alcohol and yet in the morning he had been able to remember his beloved’s touch… His beloved who now thought of him as no more than a cheap whore… TBC… Chapter: (4/?) Glorfindel knocked on Elrond´s bedroom door and hurried in as soon as he was beckoned. Elrond was looking distractedly at the horizon beyond the heavy screen of rain between his eyes and the distant imaginary line. “Erestor has not come back…” Glorfindel stated, worried. “He will. His lovers are here…” Elrond assured heavily despite his efforts to sound uncaring. “Are you sure he…” Glorfindel stopped speaking his thoughts as the Lord of Imladris turned crossly to face him. “I know what I saw Glorfindel!” The half-elf tried to control the tone of his voice, although he could not manage not to sound annoyed at the fact that his friend considered he had mistaken Erestor´s deeds, as if it were easy to misunderstand seeing your lover’s penis in another’s mouth. “One was taking him from behind; another sucked his shaft and the two left worked on his nipples. Does the picture leave any reason for a doubt?” “Maybe he was drunk…” “I should be the one trying to find a believable excuse for his acts Glorfindel. Not you. I should be the one trying to invent a plausible excuse to justify the unbearable pain in my chest that barely allows me to breathe, but I do not, because I know there is none…” Elrond approached Glorfindel and looked at him. “I SAW him…” The blond eldar sighed. Something did not fit in the entire scene. Why would Erestor suddenly participate in an orgy if he had not touched a soul since Elrond married Celebrian… Why now? He wondered over and over. “You still have doubts…” Elrond said exasperated as he pulled back from the eldar´s gaze. “Sometimes I think you are too naïve my friend… I wish I could be more like you.” “It has nothing to do with been naïve…” Glorfindel talked quietly, yet the tone of his voice warned the Lord of Imladris not to repeat the attitude he had used. “I only do not understand why now. Why has he decided to take four lovers at the same time when he has remained untouched since he found out about your engagement?” “Maybe he WAS drunk… I do not know… And frankly I do not care…” Glorfindel opened the door after a soft knock to find Celebrian waiting patiently outside. “Celebrian. Please come in.” Elrond asked courteously. “Can you leave us alone Glorfindel? Thank you.” He said after Glorfindel´s faint nod. “I only wanted to see how you were. I got very worried last night. And this morning you did not appear for breakfast. Has something happened?” She asked extremely concerned. “Yes… But I do not wish to discuss it now. I need to apologize for the way I behaved last night and I know I must have worried you…” “You did My Lord.” “I apologize. I was not myself…” “Are you feeling better now? Is there something I can do?” “I am afraid not my Lady…” He stated sadly yet politely. “If this is all about me…”She started to speak her line of thinking and stopped to consider her words for some moments. “I insist I talk to him. I can not bear to see you hurt… I do not want to be the cause of your unhappiness… Nor his…” “The pain in my heart could once have had something to do with our bond. But now it has turned into something more.” Elrond agreed sadly with the silvery haired Lady. “I have finally lost everything…” He whispered to himself. “Do not say that…” Celebrian whispered soothingly as she approached to pet Elrond´s back, making him turn to face her. “You have not lost everything. I do not know what is making you believe so, but it is not truth. You still have me. I am your friend and eventually I will be the mother of your children… YOU will have a family. So do not consider you have lost everything. Think you might have lost some to gain even more…” “Your counsel is wise to my thinking, though my heart can not see it the same way.” “It is still grieving… You should let it weep for as long as it need to… But eventually you will have to start thinking of yourself and the future of your people. These lands would disappear in less than a round of the sun without your ruling.” The Lórien Lady softly placed her right hand on Elrond´s heart “You will be happy again… I promise…” * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The following day Erestor knocked on Elrond´s private chamber’s door and waited impatiently for him to answer. The sun was still hiding and the clouds might not allow it to shine in full light, but it was struggling to rise and take its important place in the sky. The hallway where he was standing was dark, as the storm’s draughts of air had put the candles’ lights out. Erestor had hurried to get himself decent enough to come to see his beloved. Although it had only taken him half an hour to take a quick bath to remove the mud from his body, it had seemed an eternity to his heart. And now he was waiting in the door he once crossed without the need for permission… The door made the usual creak Erestor remembered. And he looked up from his feet to face the still angry Lord of Imladris inquiring silently what he was doing there at that hour of the morning… “I need to talk to you…” Erestor pleaded. “I have nothing to discuss with you Erestor, much less at this improper time...” Elrond barked coldly. “I am sorry if I woke you, but I do need to explain…” “Explain? You remembered, then?” The Lord of the house interrupted, amused as he crossed his arms around his chest showing his aloofness. “No… I …” “Then what are you planning on explaining Erestor? There is not much explanation for what I saw, nor would I like to hear it if there was. Now I want to try to go back to sleep even if it is for half an hour. And I recommend you to do the same. You are expected to appear at the morning council. ON TIME!” Without paying attention to his heartbroken lover, Elrond closed the door on Erestor´s face and headed to his bed where he dropped himself heavily. “I love you…” The Noldor elf mumbled to the closed door, crying softly, and after the few seconds that took him to think relatively clearly he went to his own room. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Erestor did not appear for breakfast, and he could hear Elrond´s annoyed bark from a distance as he was heading to the study with Glorfindel for the morning council. “I do not want to discuss this topic anymore Glorfindel. He can sleep with as many as he wants, for I will never be able to touch him again after what I saw. Not even the worst of the whores would allow herself to be treated that way!” The chief’s advisor breath caught up in his throat as he heard those angry derogatory words coming from his lover. He did consider him filthy scum… He felt so disgusted he did not want to lay a hand… “What are you doing here Erestor?” Rumil asked softly, obviously aware of the secrecy of the chief advisor’s presence in the room next to the one the other elves were speaking. “Eh…” The dark haired elven Lord could not find his vocal chords or a good excuse for his lame peeping actions. He was listening through the walls shamelessly. His mind was crowded by the sudden flashes of his beloved’s tender touch, reminding him of what Elrond would never be able to give him again. He started to cry. A soft hand came to rest on his cheek and petted it tenderly while wiping the tears away. The tenderness of the touch made Erestor tremble while his skin remembered what he had not have in a long time and now never would again… His face sought desperately for the warm, feathery like, soothing fingers brushing against his skin. He closed his eyes trying to forget about his life. The dark haired elf’s arm encircled swiftly around Rumil´s slim waist, pulling the blond elf to his body. Erestor trembled as the warm figure came to rest against his own, long arms rounded his neck pulling him into even greater contact, whilst the long pale fingers tangled in his dark untidy locks. Soft kisses started to trace their way down from his ear to the base of his neck and there, the faint bite made him moan weakly. His face moved politely away as the line of kisses headed for his lips and, seeming to understand Erestor´s choice to avoid the tender ministrations to be inflicted upon his alluring lips, it trailed down once again following down from the rushing pulse to the half open shirt. Erestor´s body leaned heavily against the wall as Rumil´s hands moved from his waist line to the opening of his pants. His hips bucked instinctively forward as one warm hand cupped his groin in it. His breathing became louder as the hungry touch rubbed regularly against his arousal, and after a few teasing moments he felt his pants been pulled completely open releasing his erection to the cold air of the fall morning. The dark haired elf looked down between fluttering eyelashes and the image almost undid him, the long pale fingers were stroking rhythmically his need harder and harder, he could not hold back a throaty moan. Rumil smiled with accomplishment and as if in slow motion, knelt in front the chief advisor of Imladris. Erestor´s eyes shut closed as the warm wet cavity took his need deeply into the blond elf’s throat. His hands instantly tangled in the silvery locks to guide the other to a pleasant steady rhythm and moaning louder than he meant to, he came into Rumil´s eager mouth. “Are you planning on joining us now?” The irritated roar asked from the side entrance. “Or are you planning on having a second round?” “No…I will be right there…” Erestor panted, grinning cynically. “Unless you want to join us that is…” He could not help but to laugh heartily at the outraged fuming look on his beloved’s features. The Lord of Imladris inhaled deeply and gathering his fury, decided to leave the room before he lost the little self control he had left. He never thought himself able to hurt Erestor but since the previous night the only thing he had in mind was to hit him as hard as he could… * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The meeting passed swiftly, and somehow Erestor felt a little better as he noticed Elrond´s annoyance with what he had witnessed. He was not sure why though. Glorfindel, instead had been looking at him with concerned, caring eyes… Now evening fell and Erestor was heading to the dinning room where dinner was about to be served, when he heard someone calling his name. “Rumil?” He asked puzzled as he approached the entrance of a dark, hidden garden inside the house. “Did you have any trouble with Lord Elrond? He looked angry.” He whispered. “Do not worry about that… What are you doing here?” “Haldir has just left. I was talking to him. Actually, HE was talking to me…” The blond young elf stated a little annoyed. “Ah, I was starting to think you had hidden from Elrond here…” Erestor teased softly, “What did Haldir tell you for you to look so gloomy?” Erestor asked tenderly while pulling a stray braid out of Rumil´s sight. “I was hiding from Lord Elrond too…” Rumil declared shyly trying to make Erestor forget about the conversation he had recently had with his older brother. Erestor nodded, smiling with amusement at the younger elf’s comment; and since his mind was still clouded with lots of things he did forget about his earlier question. “He will say nothing to you. Do not worry… Are you hungry? I was going to eat something in one of the gardens. Would you like to join me?” “Yes.” The blond elf smiled broadly. He was famished, but for nothing in the face of Arda would he have dared to show up for dinner that night. “Let us go get some food then. Come.” Erestor offered his hand to the younger elf still sitting in the stone bench and when he rose, they headed to the kitchen. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * It was late; Erestor had managed to relieve himself of his torturing constant thinking with the enjoyable company of the young Galadhrim. But it had only lasted a few hours. Now that he was heading to his room, to actually lie on his bed and stare at the ceiling of his room, his ghosts started to attack him again, if possible with even more power… He sighed deeply due to his frustration, but suddenly for the fist time in years he did not want to run to Elrond´s arms… In fact he did not even want to cross with the Lord of Imladris… The dark haired elf entered his darkened suite and approached one of the main chandeliers to light some candles. “I do not want to see you near him again…” The forbidding voice stated icily making Erestor jump in surprise. “Haldir? What are you doing in my private chambers?” The dark haired elf asked outraged as the other walked closer to the recently lit candles. “He is in love with you. And you will only hurt him.” The blond elf waited for a retort he knew he would never get. “You will never give him what he wants. So do not tease him with a lie.” “I have never promised anything.” Erestor managed to say, looking away from the piercing glance. “You can not love him. In fact you are not able to love anybody in your condition. So let him be.” With these last words Haldir vanished from Erestor´s sight. Breathing deeply, the dark haired elf realized he was lonely… He had been banished from his circle of friends… And the only one who had showed a tender word of comfort had been reasonably denied to him. For much as it pained his heart at this moment he decided he would bear this burden alone. He had already committed a big mistake allowing Rumil to get that close to him. He knew the young Galadhrim kept special feelings for him, yet in the middle of his pain Erestor forgot about them, forgot about avoiding the future pain he would cause the other… He inhaled deeply again and stared at his untouched bed for some seconds before he stormed out of his room, heading to the quarters in which the soldiers gathered during the nights. TBC… Chapter: (5/?) A week later Erestor was coming back to the house through the gardens. It was not easy to avoid Elrond, Glorfindel, Rumil, Haldir, and Lindir… Well, actually, he tried to avoid everyone he knew. He could not stand that inquiring look everybody gave him as soon as they noticed him entering a room. He frowned as he heard a familiar giggle from not far away. * Celebrian. The last thing I needed today*. “Erestor…” Celebrian sang playfully happy from where she was sitting under a bower. The dark haired Lord turned to face the silver haired Lady grinning at him arrogantly. There was not way to avoid her. “My Lady” “Please. Come; keep me company for a while.” She asked politely while showing an empty seat in front of hers. “I am sorry but I am in a hurry” He tried to sound civil but he was aware of the tint of hate shading his voice. “Ah! It will not be necessary after all…” Celebrian smiled accomplished as she saw her husband approaching to them. “I would invite you to share tea with us but I have the strong feeling you will decline my offer” the mocking voice trailed off as the Lord of the house was coming closer. “My dear husband, I thought you were going to make me go look for you” “I am sorry I kept you waiting.” He smiled politely to her and then with a completely transformed face looked at Erestor almost menacingly. “Some of your chores are still undone. And some are from yesterday. Do you think you will be able to stop frolicking around the soldier’s quarters and the guest rooms for the rest of the day? You might be able to finish them.” “I do not think so. No… But I promise you. I will do my best.” Grinning mockingly Erestor left with out even looking back to enjoy the fuming expression on his Lord’s face. He could hear Celebrian asking Elrond not to worry as he walked away them… As he was climbing the stairs Erestor spotted Glorfindel sitting on Elrond’s small balcony. He was reading some parchments. He sighed as the blond elf saw him too. He could not escape now. At least he could not make a polite exit, and Glorfindel certainly did not deserve any other sort… Erestor needed not to worry his friend even more than he already was. “What are you doing Glorfindel?” Erestor asked his friend as he leaned on the rail of the balcony. “Reading some petitions from other lands.” The golden haired eldar announced dimly as he spared himself a moment to rub his eyes. “Should not Elrond be doing that?” The younger elf Lord could notice the weariness in his friend’s eyes and voice as clearly as if he was looking to a rock at the bottom of a pond filled with pure, crystalline water. “It seems he is busy…” Glorfindel stated smiling faintly. “You are tired... You should tell him to help you. He is the Lord of this Lands and he should be taking care of that”. “He is not feeling well. He needs to clear his mind.” The elder elf declared calmly. “He should not rely on you to fulfil the responsibility of keeping the entire valley running smoothly.” “Well, he is having a difficult time and I am trying to help the best I can… But paper work it is not the main reason I feel so weary.” The blond elf sighed sorrowfully. “My main concern is that I believe I do not know my two best friends anymore. Elrond is terribly irritable. And you… you avoid me every time we cross paths. Neither of you will tell me how I can help you and THAT troubles me deeply. I can not bear see you two suffering the way you are.” “You need not to trouble yourself for me my friend. I am well…” Erestor muttered, not even trying to convince himself about his supposedly reassuring statement. “I know you and I can see you are not well.” Glorfindel sighed once again as the dark haired elf looked away painfully. “I know you are not well. No one would be if they were doing what you do”. The blond eldar spoke, calmly trying not to set the internal warning alarm in Erestor´s heart which would make the other aware that someone still cared about him. Only someone who believed himself to deserve nothing would have chosen the kind of life Erestor was starting to live, and Glorfindel was sure Erestor thought that he was not worthy of love or caring. The golden haired eldar would daresay the other was also starting to consider himself unworthy of his own life. That is why he was drifting away and away from the ones who cared about him. Because they would stop him from hurting himself. Elrond did not help either, treating his former lover worse with every second that passed. “I do nothing the others do not…” Erestor chided like an annoyed child. “YOU are not others and you are not sleeping with all those elves because of sex, like they might do... You are doing it to forget and escape your problems.” Glorfindel stood from he was sitting and, after putting down the parchments he was reading, stood close to the dark haired elf that moved slightly away as if he was in some kind of danger. “I do not know what happened to make you act this way but I do know that THIS Erestor...” The younger elf Lord closed his eyes momentarily as the tender, caring hand came to rest on his cold cheek. “Is not who you are.” Erestor´s internal alarm warned him and forced him to back off, breaking the tender contact. “I do not know who I am anymore! Maybe THIS is me and the other was a mere fool. At least now I will not get hurt like I did…” Erestor´s voice trailed off quickly as he asked himself where had that come from? Recognizing to himself that he was hurt was NOT the same as speaking it out loud. Much less confessing it to Elrond’s best friend… Erestor trusted Glorfindel but he had also trusted Elrond… “To not be loved might be more painful than being loved.” The elder elf interrupted the other’s thinking. “You will not be able to bear a life like the one you are trying to live…” “You will not even spare my friend, would you?” Elrond barked as he climbed up to the same level Glorfindel and Erestor were on, talking. “Elrond!” Glorfindel admonished, raising slightly the tone of his voice. “You should consider moving to Bree. I am sure your NEW lifestyle will pass unnoticed there…” The Lord of Imladris grinned evilly as he saw the pain in Erestor´s eyes. But that pain only lasted a fraction of a second until Erestor´s eyes tinted with anger, an anger that chilled Elrond’s soul. An anger that will not be easily lifted from those now inexpressive blue eyes he had once so much loved. “I might consider that idea My Lord. When I had tasted the whole pleasures the valley can offer me.” Grinning cynically Erestor pierced coldly Elrond with his eyes. “Now if you excuse me I have to go find someone to share my bed with this night…” Glorfindel looked angrily at Elrond and for the first time since he had met the half-elf, he felt he was about to yell at him, but instead he managed to sound angry enough for Elrond to look puzzled at him. “I do not know what are you trying to do but THIS is not the way to go about it. Why do you push him like this? You KNOW he will act worse if he believes YOU consider him…” “A WHORE?” Elrond asked, interrupting the other’s speaking while arching an eyebrow to remark his words before he smiled mockingly. “But I do consider him so… I would be a hypocrite if I hid my thinking, would I not?” “Are you not one already?” Glorfindel asked in retort as he crossed his arms over his chest to wait for an answer that never came. Instead the Lord of the house kept eye contact defiantly with him. “You are the one hiding your real feelings from yourself and there is no worst hypocrite than one who lies to his own heart.” Elrond looked at his golden haired friend enraged, as Glorfindel did not relinquish his staring. “I do NOT hide from my feelings. I certainly could not care less about his life! He can fuck whoever and what ever he wants! AND I WILL NOT CARE!” Elrond roared, not able to control his anger. “Then why are you so angry and upset?!” Glorfindel retorted evenly, keeping a similar tone of voice, yet not yelling. “Because YOU, are continuously trying to talk about him when I have CLEARLY told you I DO NOT CARE about him!” “You will never stop caring about Erestor. You might not be able to see that now. But I do. I witnessed what you two had and that kind of bond is not easy to find. So if you want to keep lying to yourself, go ahead. But do not ask ME to sit with my arms crossed as I see the only two elves I care about destroying their lives in the way you are doing it!” Enraged Glorfindel stormed furiously off the balcony, leaving a livid Elrond behind. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Erestor headed to the stables, practically running to get his mare and not paying attention to the ones who looked at him puzzled. “Erestor!” The voice called for him firmly making him turn in his place. “You left while I was asleep…” “I had things to do…But now that I have finished them…” Erestor started to say with a husky voice. “Now… We can finish what we started”. His dark lusty eyes stared into the other elf’s. He smiled, accomplished as the other trembled noticeably despite his efforts not to do so. The chief advisor of Imladris cornered the other against the wooden door, not caring about the public that pretended not to be paying attention to the scene they were witnessing. His body pressed hard against the other’s until he found himself briskly pulled inside an empty stall. He felt rough uncaring hands worked free his erect penis and the cold fingers stroked him almost painfully. Erestor closed his eyes tightly while whimpering under an uncomfortable mix of pain and pleasure. It was too rough, but biting his lower lip he forced himself not to say a word. Suddenly his body was uncaringly thrown across the short wooden wall. His pants were yanked down, probably ripped, his face buried in his arms clinging from the edge of the wall, until an abrupt agonizing pain made him cry out loud. With that Erestor managed to get the attention of the ones who were actually not watching the show. And between held back tears he could see as the greater part of the working elves left the place with a revolted expression on their faces. Despite the dreadful, uncaring impaling of the other’s member in his body Erestor smiled to himself. He had managed to sicken almost everybody in the stable. THIS was NOW him! “I will give you a real reason…” He muttered between clenched teeth. “I will give you more than one…” He held himself steady from the edge of the insecure wall as the other elf came inside him with a deep throaty moan. Erestor felt sick. Yet he grinned with accomplishment. If Elrond had decided to hate him and feel disgusted about him, the chief advisor of Imladris decided he would definitely give his former lover a good reason to feel the repulsion he felt… Somehow Glorfindel´s words came to his mind…But at this point Erestor did not care if he would be able to bear a life like this one or not… in fact he did not care… * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Celebrian entered her husband’s study and, without being noticed, she filled two goblets with wine. Quietly she walked to Elrond’s side. “This might help you forget.” She stated as she offered the full glass. “Thank you…” The Lord of Imladris drank a sip of the glass’s content and looked absentminded away, through the window. “Have you argued with him?” She asked softly, as if wishing to entrance him. “No.” “I would like to see you forget about him. He does not deserve to be the owner of your heart. He obviously did not know to appreciate the beautiful gift you made him…” “I can not forget all I have felt. And for as much I try I still …” Elrond swallowed hard not wanting to speak his feelings out loud. . “I wish I could stop feeling like I do. All this is… too much pain… I …will not be able to handle it…” after confessing his heart to his wife, between gasps, he finally dared look at her. As if waiting for a magical solution or magical advice which could stop the pain in his heart. “I do know what to do, or say. All I have to offer you is my love. But for that you first have to let me in your heart. I know I will not be able to take Erestor´s place in it. But… I will NEVER be able to hurt you like he did.” Celebrian stated most tenderly, as her hand rose to pet Elrond´s pale cheek. “I will take care of you.” Her body came to be closer in front of Elrond´s as she clung feather-like from the Lord of Imladris´ neck, her breasts barely teasing the other’s senses. Her lips brushed against Elrond´s, barely touching them. A smile of accomplishment was born on her face when the other closed his eyes to enjoy the soft ministration inflicted upon him. Leaning forward again she kissed him. This time allowing more contact until her mouth was finally covered by her husbands. Elrond pulled her slim body to his own as his arms circled her waist. The kisses grew more desperate, their hands running all over their bodies… “Let us … go to my bed…” She managed to gasp between kisses and the extremely distracting hand cupping one of her breasts. “Please…” Elrond looked at her with lusty eyes and nodded vaguely. He was aroused but he was not sure he wanted to go to bed with her. Yet… he started to let her guide him out off the study and towards her private chambers. Perhaps, he thought, this will help him forget… And after all, sooner or later he would *have* to sleep with her. Heirs were needed and *that* had been the only reason for their marriage. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Glorfindel sighed as he closed the book in his lap. He was too tired and crowded minded, to read it. He felt as if he was living in a parallel world. What had happened to the ones he thought he knew? Both his friends were incapable of hurting a fly, yet they were hurting each other as if it was some sort of contest they needed to win. Vainly, Glorfindel had tried for the past days, to reason with Elrond and Erestor, but a rock would have been more open minded to his advice than those stubborn elves. The blond eldar was aware that Elrond had seen his lover having sex with others but the golden haired elf was sure something had happened. Erestor was in love with Elrond and what had happened, just, did not make any sense. Tired and defeated due his constant thinking, Glorfindel sighed heavily. He was feeling tired, the managing of practically the entire house was starting to take it’s toll on his body, and dealing with the new personalities of his dark haired friends exhausted him, even more than he could imagine. He was feeling tired… and lonely… All this seemed a shared nightmare from which none of them was able to wake. A nightmare; in which, each one of them lived a different reality. He ran his right hand along his skull after rubbing his forehead insistently while a muffled complaint escape his lips as he moved his head to one side. A pair of hands placed on his tense shoulders made him painfully snap his head back, to face the intruder of his privacy. “You look weary Glorfindel.” Haldir stated as he stroked rhythmically the elder’s shoulders. “Look forward.” The guardian of Lórien ordered, smiling at the outraged face staring at him. He could not help but smirk when silently the other complied. “You are awfully tense. I can not imagine what can be troubling you this much” The silver haired elf purred never stopping the even movements of his hands. “I do not think anyone can”. The Imladris Lord muttered as he closed his eyes surrendering to the pleasurable movements of the other’s massage. It had been a long time since he felt another’s touch… Glorfindel moaned faintly as the relaxing ministrations to his tensed shoulders started to have the expected effect and his body moved, instinctively seeking greater contact with the alluring touch. One of Haldir´s hands slowly started to slide across his chest to end up resting on one of his erect nipples, over the thin fabric of his shirt whilst a warm mouth captured his ear, nibbling it fervently before whispering nonsense to his now rushing pulse. Glorfindel´s head moved to the opposite side from where the pleasurable taunt came, allowing better access to his pale and alluring neck. Haldir gave a soft provoking bite to the moon-like flesh and rounded the chair to end up kneeling between Glorfindel´s parted and inviting legs. The golden haired eldar managed to see the Lórien elf working his pants open and in the fraction of a second the other’s mouth was moving against him. His body quivered as the warm cavity took him fully into Haldir´s throat. Holding himself steady from the arms of his chair Glorfindel growled as the pace increased until it suddenly stopped. When he opened his eyes he saw Haldir grinning wickedly at him. He wanted more than that... Glorfindel rose from his seat, and tugging his pants closed ordered steadily for Haldir, to follow him. They went to his room and there the golden haired elf removed his shirt. Between half open eyelids he could see the other staring at him lustily. Not precisely what Glorfindel looked for, in a lover’s eyes. Love was not an easy thing to find, but at least he liked to see a caring glimpse mixed with the obvious lust of the moment, which Haldir´s did not have… His usual random lovers were not near Imladris… so he decided to settle with only lust for this night… “And I thought you were going to show some resistance…” The Galadhrim mused as he approached to stand in front of the other elf, waiting for his move. “You would have enjoyed that…” “Indeed I would. But either way I had to have you…” The guardian of Lórien stated as he ran his hand across Glorfindel´s chest muscles. “You only chose the easy one…” “Are you planning on talking much longer?” “My… Are we in a hurry tonight… You surprise me Glorfindel…” Haldir laughed as he turned around to walk to the window. “Now that I consider the entire situation, I think… I would like to…” His voice trailed dramatically off as a strong arm encircled his chest from under his own and a confident hand cupped his arousal. The strong grip held him steady pressing in the middle of his chest, as the other hand rubbed tauntingly his aroused member through the too thick fabric. Haldir could feel the other’s erratic breathing playing on his neck, teasing him… Despite the fact, that he had not wanted to surrender so easily his head fell back to rest on Glorfindel´s shoulder. “And I thought you were going to show some resistance…” The Imladris elf mocked as Haldir moaned loudly, fluttering his eyelashes. Glorfindel grin when a loud restricted ‘Ahhh…’ managed to escape Haldir´s throat. “I can tease too Haldir. I can make you plead if I want.” A playful smirk formed on his lips as the Lórien elf could do nothing but tremble in his arms. “Do you want me to make you plead?” Glorfindel purred with a husky voice to the other’s ear. The Lórien guard closed his eyes as the soft whisper of the blond eldar collided with his flushed ear. Did he want to beg Glorfindel for his touch? He had never before had to beg. Did he want to? He was shivering in the ancient elf’s arms like he had never done before… But suddenly he found enough strength to turn around in the strong grip. He looked into Glorfindel´s darkened eyes and grinned. “You will not… You want me to take you…” “Indeed. I do. But I will make you cry out with need if you dare try to tease me again tonight.” Haldir trembled hard at the promising yet confusing words. Glorfindel´s warning had been real… And he knew the elven Lord would accomplish it. He stared into Glorfindel´s inquiring eyes and after some seconds dropped his head to suck the other’s nipples making Glorfindel twist in his grip. Haldir smiled, perhaps relieved, he had all under his control once again. At least that was what he wanted to believe. He yanked open Glorfindel´s pants once more and slid his hand into them. He steadily rubbed the hard erection while the Imladris Lord kicked the discarded trousers off his feet. Swift, skilful hands untied his own pants, letting them fall to the floor. The guardian of Lórien pulled the one in his arms almost clumsily to the bed. And with this action he wondered where all his need came from… Lying on top of the other, Haldir opened a small bottle which was waiting in his hand. He had managed to pull it out of his pocket before the fabric came to end disregarded on the stone floor. Glorfindel closed his eyes as Haldir´s member impaled and penetrated him with one swift move. His hands clenched the bed covers as hard as they could until the other hit that special spot which would lead him to the ecstasy of release. It did not take them long to find it so. Glorfindel´s trigger was the other’s body brushing against his awakened flesh, and Haldir´s was the eldar´s sounds… After a few seconds the Lórien guardian rolled off Glorfindel´s body, still panting for air. Resting one of his hands on his agitated chest, he looked at the one lying next to him. And wondered how it would have been if he had had enough courage to surrender… A few moments later Haldir leapt from the bed, making Glorfindel turn to see him as he picked up his clothes from the floor and slipped his naked body into them. “You did not think I was going to hold you in your sleep, did you?” The guardian of Lórien mocked the one staring at him while pulling his pants up. “I would have never expected that from you.” The Imladris elf stated as his gaze changed to the ceiling above his bed. “It relieves my heart to hear that…” Haldir laughed softly before he hurriedly left the room. TBC... To Lose Thyself Chapter: (6-7-8-9-10-11-12/12) Author: Celebrian. e-mail: Celebrian@fibertel.com.ar Pairing: Elrond/ Erestor, Erestor/ Rumil, Erestor/ ? & Glorfindel/ Haldir . (Tiny little bit of Elrond/ Celebrian.) Rating: NC17. (Mature readers only) Summary: What happened to Elrond´s & Erestor´s dreamy relationship when the Lord of Imladris married Celebrian?. Disclaimer: I don’t own them :o( But they all live in my mind. Warnings: Angst, non consensual sex situation (Rape) and suicidal tendencies/ thoughts. Author’s notes: Prequel to Falling into temptation. – I might add another short story in the middle of this two, but I am not sure yet -- -@- Elladan and Elrohir were not born yet. .-@- Elvish Translations: Amin mela lle: I love you. // Amin mela lle beika, Mela en´ coiamin: I love you too, love of my life // A´maelarain: Beloved.// Anor: Sun.// Ithil: Moon. Feedback makes muses happy. Happy muses make happy authors, happy authors write faster… ;o) * * Special Thanks to Betas Elaine, Anu & Ania :o) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * In the morning after breakfast everybody who was gathered for the council were leaving to start with their daily chores. Erestor had been the first to leave, followed by Haldir and Rumil. Elrond clenched his fist as the image of Erestor´s cock sliding in and out of the youngest Lórien guardian came to his mind mixed with the one of the orgy he had accidentally witnessed. Why could he not stop feeling this way? Why did those images kept torturing him this way? His gaze came to rest on his long time friend tidying up some papers on the main strategies table. Something was not right with Glorfindel today… He had been quiet for most part of the council, not to mention distracted…and that was very unlikely conduct for him. “Are you feeling well?” The Lord of Imladris asked as he approached the blond elf. “Yes. Only tired.” “Why do I have the feeling you are lying to me?” Elrond asked in a friendly tone, as if trying to throw down the icy wall that had been constructed between them the previous day with their fight. “Because I am…” Glorfindel said, chuckling to himself. “There is something I can do to help you? Besides saying that I am sorry for my behaviour yesterday?” “No… I am afraid you are not” Glorfindel smiled wearily at his half-elven friend and went back to ordering the papers. “I am tired. Elrond… I am tired of seeing you and Erestor hurting each other, I am tired of not knowing either of you any more… And I deeply regret…” His voice suddenly trailed off and his gaze, which he had raised to momentarily face Elrond, went back to the papers. “What is that you regret?” The Lord of the house asked concerned for the pain in the other’s eyes. “Never mind… The fact is that the only family I know is disintegrating…and I find myself unable to do anything to stop it. The worst is that I know how things are going to end…” Glorfindel knew that both Erestor and Elrond would not last for long with out each other’s affection. Their hearts were broken and no elf was able to survive a broken heart, no matter how much they tried to hide that fact… Elrond swallowed hard. He knew Glorfindel was right, it was of no use to fool himself and try to believe he was going to be able to handle the situation… He was sure that a few more times of seeing his still loved one in any arms but his own would finally take him to Mandos Halls. But it had been enough for him and this problem that haunted him had no solution. Maybe his blond friend had… “What is that you regret?” Elrond asked again as he searched the mental images in his head since he first saw his friend in the dawn…and sighed “You regret that you slept with Haldir?” He finally plainly asked, knowing by both elves actions there was little scope for error in his assumption. “Yes. I … the only reason I found plausible last night vanished completely from the reasonable side of my thinking …and something within myself tells me that I will regret it even more in the future… I … can not explain… the feeling” “You do not have to. I know how it feels.” “Honestly, I do not know how Erestor manages to handle this …empty feeling remaining in yourself after having sex with someone you do not care about…” “I do not wish to speak of Erestor nor now, nor ever, Glorfindel. I am tired of that topic. I cannot justify what he did… Hard as I try I can not. And believe me; I DO try more than I would ever like to admit…” Elrond stated, waving his hands faintly as he walked to the little table which held the wine and the goblets to serve it. Three were usually left there for the nights on which Erestor, Glorfindel and himself used to stay late, discussing the affairs of the city or merely frivolously talking … One was missing. He searched the entire study visually and found nothing. Then, paying no more attention to the triviality his mind had managed to waver, the Lord of Imladris poured the sweet scented liquid into the transparent receptacles. “Something is not right with this situation, Elrond. I do not know what, but I can sense it. Only someone who hates himself would be doing that to his soul and body. He is punishing himself…and you”. “Why would he be punishing himself? It does not make sense… And if he is punishing me, he is doing an excellent job… I have tried to reach him before all this madness was unleashed and he did not let me near him… Perhaps he does not want me near him anymore. Have you never considered the fact that he might actually enjoy this… new life of his…?” The half-elven Lord asked painfully. “No one would be able to enjoy a loveless life.” Glorfindel stated to himself as he took one of the offered goblets filled with wine. “He might be punishing you, but do you not think it might be a way to get your attention? Is it not too early to be drinking wine?” He asked, reacting to what he had just drunk unawares. “Mnnn.. Not for me…I will get myself drunk if I cannot rest this night.” Elrond dropped himself gracelessly into one of the chairs next to the window and drank the entire contents of his goblet. “Maybe that will help…” As much as he loved Erestor he also hated him for hurting him the way only he could. And, as much he wanted it, he could not forget what he had seen, nor he could forgive… * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Erestor was heading to the kitchens to get something to eat. It was now a habit to get up practically in the middle of the morning, just in time for a quick bath before attending the counsel when it gathered. “Erestor. Can I speak with you?” Rumil´s soft voice almost pleaded, making the dark haired elf turn, not only to face the loving gaze of the younger Galadhrim but also his brother’s threatening face. It was not necessary for Haldir to speak. It was made perfectly clear to Erestor that he would not allow him, by any chance, to hurt Rumil. “I am in a hurry now.” Erestor stated as the oldest guardian of Lórien left him and his brother alone. “I only want to know why you are avoiding me… It is something I have done?” The chief advisor of the valley sighed at hearing of the young elf’s words. So young and innocent… Looking into those emerald green eyes on the edge of tears Erestor saw the true pain he can cause to the other’s heart and he certainly did not want to hurt Rumil… “I do not understand what I might have done…” The blond elf voice was soft and sweet yet filled with the fear and insecurity of someone who had not been touched… “Rumil…what happened in the Library…” “You wish it had never happened…” came the hurt whisper. “I can not give you what you want…what you *deserve*” “Did Haldir speak to you?!” “No…” Erestor lied believingly, considering it best for the young elf not to know about his brother’s intrusions into his personal affairs... Rumil would certainly need someone to listen to him or at least be with him the following days… Although if the dark haired elf acted before hurting Rumil´s heart, it did not mean that it had not been badly injured and the worst was that Erestor knew that…“Why would he speak to me?” “Well… He…” “Does not want you to be with me?” Waiting for an answer that never came Erestor smiled tenderly. “He is right. You should not” “But…” “Rumil…” Erestor whispered as he came to be in front of the young Galadhrim. “Look at me…” He pleaded in a honeyed voice, cupping the other’s chin for Rumil to meet his gaze. “I will only hurt you Pen-Neth…” “You will not…” “Yes. I will. I am not myself anymore.” Erestor´s face hardened as his own words found a home on his lips. “I will not bother you anymore then…” Pulling away swiftly Rumil whispered. “I am sorry if I ever did…” With that last phrase the young Galadhrim disappeared down the labyrinth of hallways. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * More than half a year had passed and everything in Imladris was running smoothly, everything but the hearts of the ones who ruled her. * * * * * * * * * * * “Ahhh… Harder!” He ordered to the one taking him at that moment. Erestor ´s eyes were closed painfully tight as the other’s cock impaled him mercilessly. He was being taken so hard that he was aware of the ripped muscles within his body. Yet it did not seem to be enough. Lately it never seemed to be enough to make him forget. The pain was now a conscious, constant and unpleasant companion which he was not able to get rid of, even in the few minutes he found his release. His sex rounds had increased in number and frequency as his feelings grew more and more insistent with their torturing. At the beginning, these rounds of uncaring touches seemed to help but now… “Harder!” Now…it was not enough… Nothing was… A loud cry of release came from the one behind him, then he was crushing carelessly into Erestor’s back. After a couple of minutes the other finally moved, allowing him to slip from the bed and into his clothes. “Leaving so soon? I thought we might have a second round!” “I am not in the mood. I will see you tonight” Erestor stated and disappeared as quickly as he had come in the elf’s private rooms. He hurried along the lowest terraces to the public baths. He could not stand the other’s sweat on his body anymore, he wanted to clean himself. On his way he passed over the main garden, Celebrian´s favourite… and there she was… sitting under the bower. Erestor sighed; annoyed as her chidings reached his ears… she was complaining again about, Elbereth knows what this time. Elrond was standing by her side, looking lost somewhere, anywhere, but his wife’s words… She seemed to notice that too… for she snapped the Lord of the house out of his reverie, calling his name demandingly… Probably it would be the best to give up life and finally go to Mandos Halls… Erestor thought to himself. The little, tiny hope he had left vanished completely when Celebrian fell pregnant more than half a year ago. He entered to the main bath house and, pulling his clothes off on the way he sank entirely into the warm water. Several minutes later his head popped up, breathing harshly from the lack of air on his lungs… “I should have stayed down…” He panted, coughing to his only listener, the air. * * * * * * * * * * * Elrond entered the study while unlacing his robe and speaking to himself. After discarding the robe on to one empty cabinets he headed to where the recently filled bottle of wine was waiting for him. “You are drinking too much.” Startled the Lord of Imladris turned to face his friend. “I know…” With two filled goblets Elrond sat clumsily in front of Glorfindel and handed him one. “And, I am making you drink with me.” He bitterly mused before drinking a sip of wine. “It is not the solution.” “There is no solution…And do not dare try to convince me. As you always try to do, to go talk to that… whore…” Sighing, defeated, the blond eldar drank his wine silently. “Are you drunk?” The elder elf asked as he noticed the other’s lethargic motions and detectable slurring whilst talking. “Not yet… Hopefully I will be, within an hour…” The Lord of Imladris stated, pouring more wine into his already empty glass. “You never considered that you might still be this… angry because you still love him?” The golden haired elven- Lord asked matter of factly. “Mnnn… Not again Glorfindel… Can you not spare me a single day with out having to discuss this…?” “Am I interrupting something?” The voice from the door asked. “It is most strange to see *you* here…” Elrond stated dryly, as he managed to accommodate his now tensed body elegantly into the chair. “I’ve come for the letters you wanted me to check…” “Mnnn… Yes…” The Lord of the house stood inelegantly from his chair and headed to his disorderly desk. “Do you think you will have them checked by tomorrow afternoon? Or is it going to interfere with your… daily schedule in attending the entire population of Imladris?” “I will do my best…” Erestor answered, grinning widely. “And do not worry. It will not interfere with my usual activities…” Before Elrond could retort Erestor was out of the room. “I am in love with a whore…” Muttering between his teeth the half-elven Lord sat in his previous chair. “What?” Asked Glorfindel stunned as he pulled his gaze from the fireplace. “I said was in love with a whore…” Elrond muttered once again as if he did not want to repeat his words. “That was not what you said…You said * I AM *…” “I did not…” Elrond stated, outraged, after drinking his wine. “I am afraid you did…” “I know what I said and it was not that. Do you want more wine?” Serving nervously Elrond went on “He is nothing but a whore…” “If that is what you still want to believe…” The golden haired elf muttered tiredly. Elrond and he never agreed on this particular topic… “I will go see that Lindir has everything ready for dinner. I assume you are not going to eat tonight…” Glorfindel´s answer came in a disgusted grimace “Thought so… Well … I will come back later then…” “I do not need you checking on me as if I were…” “You re acting like one…” Glorfindel cut the other’s complaint as if reading the Lord’s of Imladris mind. “I will come back as soon as I am free…” *Yes father… * was what Elrond wanted to add but he did not want to give Glorfindel another reason to bother him, so he just nodded and stared into the blazing fire. Why was his friend obsessed with treating him like if he was 50 years or less? How clear was it that his elder friend did not have to deal with Celebrian´s practically all day chiding, and watching the one who once was the only reason Arda gave you to live for fucking everybody… No one had the smallest idea how it was to be the Lord of this valley… Smirking derogatorily to himself Elrond reached for the bottle of wine. He would certainly be better off if he were but a worker in the stables… He would only have to worry about tending the horses… He would certainly be happier… And he would undoubtedly still be with Erestor… Scratching his head Elrond considered the idea that Erestor would have fallen in love with him if he had been a stable worker back then. After some consideration, and pouring the last contents of the bottle in his goblet he came to the conclusion that Erestor would, indeed, have loved him even if he were but a servant. Elrond sighed at this idea. How much he missed his lover’s tenderness… How could his beloved have managed to became the arrogant, disgusting elf he had became… how could this two different beings live in the same lovely body the half – elven Lord had loved? Annoyed at his own thinking, Elrond rose from his chair and headed to the kitchen. He had run out of wine, and he was still not drunk… TBC… Chapter: (7/12) The Lord of Imladris closed his eyes, sighing at the comfortable feeling of soft grass under his bare feet… Breathing deeply he inhaled the particular smell the waterfalls gave to the entire valley. The cold bath had certainly helped him feel a little better… Yet the hollow in his heart remained the same. And it did not seem fair, for his body to feel liberated from its usual tensed state. Probably he might be able to sleep a couple of minutes with out the necessity of getting himself drunk… or using special herbs which had sleep as the only purpose… Leaving his shirt half unbuttoned Elrond took his robe and headed back to the house. Although sometimes, it bothered him that Glorfindel did not let him alone for longer periods than an hour, he was also glad of having such a caring friend. The half-elven Lord was aware that with out the golden haired elf, he would not have lasted a single day since… On his way back Elrond bumped into Erestor… but this time, he was not alone… The Lord of Imladris looked away breathing deeply as his former lover found his release in the human’s mouth… He felt sick, all the wine he had drunk coming back insistently to his throat. He could still hear the tired panting. A hard pain on the middle of his chest almost made him raise his hand as if to soothe it but he did not, for Erestor was looking at him, grinning widely, and Elrond was determined not to show any sign of hurting. “Did My Lord enjoy our performance?” Erestor managed to say between gasps as the man turned to face his Lord with a panicked look in his face. “Leave us alone…” The Lord of the Valley ordered to the mortal man, without leaving his lover’s mocking gaze. “I believe you frightened him…” The chief advisor laughed softly as he rose from the stone bench which he was leaning on, whilst lacing his pants closed. “Fortunately I know where to find him… It would be a real loss if I did not…” “Why are you doing this?” Elrond asked cold and inexpressive. “Do you enjoy this… life you have chosen to live?” Erestor´s heart froze for a couple of seconds while his eyes got lost in the inexpressive stare of the one he dearly loved. The chief advisor of the valley hated himself at that moment. How could he be so weak? How could he still want Elrond’s touch? How could he still let the other affect him the way he did? “I have no reason to discuss my private life with the Lord of the valley.” He stated dryly. Determined not to be weak. He would not be hurt again. “You have chosen your life and I have chosen mine.” “You have chosen to become the whore of the valley?!” Elrond interrupted, annoyed, frowning his forehead almost disbelievingly. “Because *that* is what you have become…” “At least my bed is never cold…” Erestor rebuked harshly. He was aware of the coldness of his beloved’s bed. Only twice Elrond had shared a bed with his wife, and once Erestor had been told, his lover had to be drunk. “Perhaps you are here talking to me, for only one reason…” “Which it would be?” “For me to bed you.” The chief advisor grinned proudly as his beloved’s face grimaced due to obvious repulsion. “You have only to ask. I will not say no like I used to… a *whore* never refuses… You should take advantage of that.” “Erestor…” Elrond started, restraining himself from hitting the annoying elf Erestor had become. How could such nasty words come out from such sweet lips? “I am trying…” “This is amusing. It must be the first time I see the Lord of Imladris lacking the proper words…” “Are you not tired of being angry? Of of sleeping with-” “The entire population of Imladris?” Erestor helped mockingly with Elrond’s new favourite exact words. “No.” he declared, staring coldly into Elrond’s grey eyes hardly managing it even, when the other looked away, revolted. “I am starting to believe that the elf I loved was not really who you are. And it shames me deeply, to recognize that I once gave you my heart. I will never be able to understand, how could you fool me to believe that you might actually be other than this …arrogant and repulsive being you are now, I do not know you. And I do not think I ever did.” “Mnnn… repulsive and arrogant…” Erestor purred as he circled Elrond as if he was his prey. “Yet… you still loved me… and yet, you are still here… and I know. That if I touched you… you would melt.” A long finger played softly with an uncared-for braid, running along its length. “If I kissed you… you would moan…” Grinning proudly because of the other’s lack of words the younger elf stood close in front of the elder. “You would let me take you right now… right here…” His finger, which was about to pet Elrond’s cheek was briskly intercepted. “You are wrong…” the almost threatening whisper declared while Elrond’s grip tightened painfully on Erestor´s hand. “I will never let *this* Erestor touch me. I will never insult the memory of what I once had, for a simple mockery of what it could have been a loving touch…” Erestor, with difficulty, retrieved his hand, suppressing the urge to rub the pain away. Elrond’s grip had been incredibly painful, what the dark haired elf was not sure of was if it had been more painful to his heart or his hand itself. “Then you are making me waste my time with you. I will go find someone who *does* accept my touch. Perhaps someone who might even crave it.” With those hurtful words Erestor left, practically running to leave the small clearing and Elrond behind. * * * * * * * * * * * Glorfindel was sitting in the window of the library, holding a book in his hands when Erestor spotted him. Four hours had passed since he had seen Elrond, and Erestor was hoping he would not cross the Lord of Imladris again for the rest of his life… Glorfindel had not noticed him yet. He was distracted staring out the window… Quietly, Erestor stood practically next to the golden haired eldar before he was noticed. “You are back.” Glorfindel said smiling tenderly at the young elf in front of him when he finally acknowledged the other’s presence. “Were you waiting for me?” “Yes. I was…” Declared the elder elf while standing. “I heard you took your mare and left the city late at night.” “Rumours fly… Let me guess you were also informed that I left in a very particular mood…”The dark haired elf purred seductively while placing his hand on Glorfindel´s chest to pet it teasingly. To Erestor´s surprise the blond elf did not pull away. Instead he stared into his eyes. No anger, no repulsion… “What are you doing?” Was the only thing Glorfindel asked, with an even voice, not moving a single inch from his place, nor trying to pull the hand taunting him or the other that joined it away. “What does it seem like I am doing?” The chief advisor of Imladris asked but in a whisper. “It seems like you are trying to seduce me.” The elder elf remained still as the taunting fingers slid to play at the nape of his neck. “I am…” Erestor whispered to the pale creamy neck waiting, near his lips, begging to be kissed. “Why?” “Why do you think?” Asked Erestor while trailing butterfly kisses all over the increasing pulse. “I want to be with you…” “Do you?” the elda´s voice only remained even. No sign of his feelings shown, not anger or arousal… Just Glorfindel´s plain, musical everyday voice… “Would I be doing this if I did not want to be with you?” The dark haired elf asked, but mere inches away from the blond elven-Lord’s lips. “Yes. I believe you would.” Glorfindel stated calmly. “To punish and try to forget. I think you *will* hurt me, for a moment of the so looked-for peace you need. Yes.” “You are so loyal to him!” Erestor snapped, annoyed, while pulling away. “I should have guessed you would not touch me… You probably think me to be a scum too!” “I never said I will not touch you and I certainly do not consider you a scum. If you consider yourself able to make *love* I will spend the night with you. But I will not be used for the petty reason of helping you to forget your pain and drown your sorrows in carnality.” Glorfindel sighed as Erestor looked at him with a mix of puzzled and surprised look on his face. “I will be with you if *love* is what you are looking for.” “You can not make love to me. You do not love me!” The dark haired elf chided from his secure place near the bookcase. “You *do* know I love you…” The elder elf stated calmly, yet firmly. Erestor stared at Glorfindel hesitantly. He would never have imagined this from him. Was he betraying Elrond’s trust? What was happening? Why would he hurt Elrond this way? Shaking his head, the dark haired elf stepped forward to the waiting figure near the window. * What do you care about Elrond? Hurt him! Like he hurt you!* His internal voice yelled at him, and as Erestor walked to the golden haired elf arms his heart started to beat harder and harder at the unconscious expectation of a loving touch. Hesitantly Erestor came to stand in front of the other who offered one hand, inviting him closer. Taking that hand the dark haired elf found himself softly crushed to the other’s chest while strong gentle arms enfolded him securely. The chief advisor of the Valley felt his legs wavering, but he was confident that the strong grip on his waist would not let him fall. So clinging both his arms around the elder’s neck he snuggled his head in the crook where neck and shoulder meet. His breathing was difficult and painful. His chest could barely hold his heart in its place. A firm hand strayed from the line of his waist, across his back to the nape of the neck to finally tangle within the dark untidy locks of dark hair. The restrained sobs were difficult to hold back, much less when Glorfindel´s cheek brushed tenderly against his own. “Do *you* love me?” Asked Erestor in a cracked voice, clinging what he considered desperately, onto the one holding him from falling. “I do.” Glorfindel whispered confidently to the pointy ear near his lips. “And I will always love you. No matter what, you are my friend.” It was then when all the suppressed crying escaped Erestor´s body. It was not possible anymore to control the sobs which became an hysterical, constant cry which would not allow him to breathe. He would have already fallen onto the stone floor if it were not for Glorfindel´s firm grip on him. Despite the desperate effort his arms were doing to cling to the other’s neck he could not manage to leave them in place, his strength wavered making them slide... His whole body was limp, heavy and shaking. The only sound in the room was the soft, calming shushing near his ear promising that everything would be better now… Erestor felt his legs giving up, but he was not falling nor did he crash against the floor. Glorfindel was seating them both on the cold stones. “Please… Please… I can not… bear it anymore. Please… I do not want to live like this… It hurts! So… much…” Erestor managed to say between his hysterical crying. “Shhh… Everything will be fine now Pen-Neth… Shhh…” “Please…” Gripping the other’s robe the chief advisor of the city pleaded frantically. “Shhh… It will be alright now Erestor. I promise…” After almost an hour crying Erestor finally managed to breathe relatively smoothly while resting in Glorfindel´s arms which worked to soothe his distress away. “Can you walk to your room?” The golden haired eldar asked, still petting soothingly the dark mane of hair. “I do not want to go to my room. I can not…” “Let us go to mine then. Come. Let me help you…” * * * * * * * * * * * It was late morning. And Erestor had finally managed to sleep a couple of minutes ago… Glorfindel was sitting next to him petting the dark hair decorating his pillow with his free hand, for the other was tightly cradled within the sleeping elf’s. The golden haired Elda almost shivered at the pain he saw in the unfocused eyes of his friend. Nightmares were obviously harassing his dreams for the trembling and sudden whimpers did not stop … “Come in…” The waked elf stated after a deep sigh and the Lord of the Valley crossed the door and entered the room. Glorfindel could see the outraged expression forming in the other’s face but did not make any attempt to move away from the sleeping Erestor. Instead he soothed away another bad dream disturbing him. “I was going to send Lindir for you…” “To see this?!” Elrond reproved irritated. “From HIM I could have expected it… but you?” “Lower your voice…” Glorfindel commanded quietly, whilst petting the stirring elf’s back calmingly. “He has just fallen asleep.” “What did you want me to see? That he has spent the night with you? I believe that is *my* point you are proving with that. He will sleep with-” “*Hush!*” Came the muffled command. “Are you so blind not to notice that I am fully dressed and that he is not well?” “He is just…probably drunk Glorfindel…” Elrond stated with an even voice, waving his hands in an annoyed sign. “Are you going to spend your day here waiting for him to vomit or are you going to attend your daily chores?” “Mnnn…”Stirred the sleeping elf resting in the blond elda’s lap. “Elrond?” Erestor called in his sleep as he trembled uncomfortably. “Elrond…please…” “Shhh…” Glorfindel whispered rubbing the troubled elf’s back soothingly. “He has been calling your name since he fell asleep…” He declared, facing his too stubborn friend. “And what do you want me to do? Cradle him in my arms until he wakes?” Elrond laughed harshly, making the sleeping elf visibly tremble. “You *have* to be joking! *You* deal with him until he wakes if you want… I could not care less…” leaving the room with out looking back the Lord of Imladris left both the love of his life and his friend behind. After arriving to his study he ordered himself to push away the pleaded beseeching of his beloved’s words out of his head. Taking a deep breath, he crossed the room to go find the current documents he was working on. TBC… Chapter: (8/12) Later in the early evening the Lord of Imladris shifted, uncomfortable in his chair as a heavy sigh escaped his lips. Rising from his chair he stormed out of the place where he had been hiding from the world. Elrond stood in front of the carved wooden door for several minutes, his breathing deep and rushed. His heart beat so painfully against his ribs it was threatening to break them… That door, in front of him, was not the only thing separating him from the one who had hurt him the most… it was also the barrier separating him from the one he had loved the most, and still loved… Crossing the doorway or not was not an easy decision… for behind that door awaited the answer of how was he going to live for the rest of his life, with the blessing of love or the constant pain of cherishing what he once had had and lost… There was no need to try fooling himself anymore; it had been torture all day long… Erestor´s voice calling for him had been burning his ears as the fires of mount Doom itself and whispering to him like the one ring had once done… promising a possible future. Only that this time, it was not the ring speaking but his heart. Elrond crossed the door and looked around the room. Glorfindel was no where to be seen. “Glorfindel?” He asked in but a whisper and when no reply came to his ears, he started his hesitant walking to the sleeping figure resting on the bed. The half-elven Lord stood uncertainly next to the snuggled elf. Watching quietly as the too thin body trembled notoriously under the heavy coverlet… Erestor´s eyelashes fluttered quickly followed by unintelligible mumbling, showing clear signs of a nightmare… Elrond´s hand moved undecidedly to pet Erestor´s cheek. And the lord of the valley could do but close his eyes when his fingers made contact with his lover’s heated flesh. Erestor was feverish… The sleeping elf’s trembling quieted when the loving fingers started to move faintly over his face pulling the dark braids stuck to it by the tiny droplets of sweat. “Elrond… Elrond…” Called Erestor in his heated state. “I am here A´maelarain… I am here now. Shhh…” Elrond whispered again, kneeling next to his lover. Resting his chin in the soft pillow his lips ended only but a few inches away from Erestor´s … “Amin mela lle…” Whispered Elrond as his beloved’s face searched for greater contact with the tender ministrations of the loving caress his fingers were providing… “…Mela lle beika Elrond…” Came the tired, quiet and unconscious whisper. The Lord of Imladris sighed at the hearing of these words. An unconscious confession proved ten thousand times more reliable than a conscious one. For this way the true feelings were not able to be tainted with any treacherous internal lie of minds that were so willing to create for them. This way, feelings were expressed in their purest form. Blinking repeatedly Erestor´s eyes started to focus and an automatic expression of fear and confusion made appearance in his tired features. “What happened?! What are you doing here?!” The chief advisor of Imladris asked fearfully of his possible forgotten acts. He usually did not remember when he had slept with some of his lovers… Those images seemed to erase from his mind when he woke from a nap or the next day… “What happened?!” He asked, panicked, pulling away. The panicked look in his beloved’s eyes made Elrond shiver. Had he hurt Erestor *that* much?! Had he been *that* cruel to the only one he loved? “Erestor…” The Lord of Imladris pleaded as he vainly tried to reach the other’s cheek. “You can not leave the bed!” He ordered as his lover stumbled to the floor on the other side, obviously escaping from him. “You are not well! Your temperature is too high!” “WHAT HAPPENED?!” Erestor commanded his answer as he reached a small table near the door. Using it so as not to lose his balance he stared at the Lord of the Valley in strong inquiry. “I just arrived. You spent all day with Glorfindel.” Elrond spoke quietly from his place not to frighten Erestor more than he already was… It pained his heart deeply to see the pain, betrayal, and shame in his beloved’s eyes. Elrond knew, most of the reason of Erestor´s state was his fault and no one else’s. Erestor looked at the floor. Pushing his feverish mind to the edge he managed to remember the day’s events… Glorfindel embracing him, speaking tender words to his ear… catching him in his arms… Promising everything was going to be alright… “Where is Glorfindel? Why is he not here?!” “I do not know” “I have to get out of here,” Erestor mumbled, looking to all his possible usable ways out. “You have to get into bed. You are sick; your fever is too high.” Elrond tried to reason calmly, still not making a single move from his place despite the urge to hold tightly the scared elf within his arms. “What would you care about me?!” Erestor retorted angrily with a shout, clear tears showing in his eyes. “What is happening here?” Glorfindel asked as he entered his room before seeing his friend silently waiting to be noticed from the other side before rushing to catch Erestor from falling just in time. “You have to get back to bed…” He whispered, tightening his grip on Erestor´s weak body. “I do not feel well Glorfindel…” Erestor mumbled, feeling too sick to yell at Elrond to go. “Make him go…” He asked to the elf holding him steady. “We need to talk.” Elrond stated coldly. For if he had spoken showing the pain his heart was bearing, he would have fallen crying to the floor. “Talk?! To a whore my Lord?!” “I think this is not the time.” Glorfindel stated as he tried to lead the adverse elf he held within his arms back to the bed. After sitting a reluctant Erestor at the edge of the bed he ordered firmly but lovingly for him to get under the covers. “Please go.” The chief advisor of the city asked weakly to his former lover. “Maybe tomorrow …” The blond eldar started. “I will talk to him now.” Elrond interrupted, decisively looking confidently at Glorfindel. Erestor snorted. “Glorfindel, please. Leave us alone… I will send for you when we finish.” “Glorfindel stay here,” Erestor had to fight the imminent urge he was feeling to grab the blond eldar’s sleeve and not let go until Elrond had left. Perhaps not even then, but instead he kept his hands over the heavy coverlet. The golden haired eldar flipped his gaze from the inflexible Lord of Imladris to the feverish stubborn elf a couple of times before making up his mind. “You two *do* need to talk Erestor,” he said, but in a whisper. “It is time for you two to sort things out.” The chief advisor of the valley started to pull the covers off his body, making the an attempt to leave the bed, but Glorfindel´s strong hand pressed him steadily against the pillow. “You can not run away all your life.” He stated, tenderly covering Erestor once again as if the other was a five year old. “Listen what he needs to say and then …” “Why should I listen to him?!” He finally managed to chide “He never cared to listen to me when I tried to talk to him!” The younger dark haired elf cupped his forehead as he felt a hard pinch in the middle of it due his raised voice. “Because it is the only way to stop the hurting of your heart, that is why you should listen to him.Now you stay here, and you do not let him get out of this room.” He ordered staring at the Lord of Imladris before leaving the room. “What are you doing?!” Elrond asked as Erestor released himself from the warm blanket covering him. “I will not stay here to hear you calling me a whore again” *I cannot handle it… Not now…*He said angrily, while at the point of throwing up. Suddenly everything around him was spinning and a tender hand pushed him back to a lying position. Elrond had sat on the opposite side of the bed and was staring at him. Erestor could see as the other’s hand travelled way from his chest to settle in Elrond´s lap tangled with its mate. “I will not call you that. Now please, stay quiet.” Elrond ordered caringly, staring into his beloved’s ocean blue eyes He did not want to frighten Erestor or making him feel threatened because that was how he looked. His face was the one of someone who was under a great, imminent danger… “I will not hurt you.” He whispered, feeling the urgency to make that frightened glance go away. He could not actually bear for Erestor to look at him as if he was… death itself. *You already did* The young elf’s heart sobbed silently. “You are not going to go until after you talk, so talk and leave…” *Why did you sleep with those elves that night? What happened for you to change as you did over the passing of only one day? What did I do to you to stop you from loving me like you did…* Elrond wanted to asked yet he could not find the way to voice his insecurities and doubts, all he saw himself able to do was stare at the young elf bundled under the coverlet. “Go ahead. Insult me and leave. You know *that* is what you will end up doing…”Erestor mumbled as he snuggled in the fluffy pillow closing his eyes, waiting for his expected reprimand. He was so tired of being angry. He just wanted everything to end, no matter how. He wanted it to end. “Erestor… Please.” The mighty Lord of Imladris pleaded, as long held back tears started to scroll down his snow white cheeks. How much he wanted to touch the other, to make him look at him with a tender loving touch, a simple caress of his battered expression, or his hand resting on his breathing chest. But the fear of the imminent rejection was much more powerful, making him stay as quiet as a statue. He could not even move to dry the wet tears decorating his features. “I am sorry” He declared with a cracked voice and continued, with no sign of response from the other looking at the opposite wall to him. “I am sorry I hurt you, I am sorry I let myself believe what you wanted me to believe… I am sorry I let you do this to yourself when I knew I could have stopped you” “Why didn’t you?” The dark haired elf hiding his face in the imaginary safety of his pillow asked in a whisper, finally breaking before the one he thought he would never be able to show his pain again… “I was hurt … *too* hurt and confused… I was so angry for the pain you were causing in my heart and soul… I had to act that way to live…” “I needed you… So much…” Erestor declared crying against his pillow. “I … wanted you to make me stop. I … cannot do it alone… The pain I feel is too much… You never …” “What did you want me to do Erestor? I am not made of stone. I could not go take you away from your lovers’ arms as if I were your father. I was in pain too…Do you have any idea of how I felt every time I saw you with…them?” “But you never …tried to …stop me …to tell me to stop. I needed you. And you were not there.” the sick elf buried his face deeper into the pillow. “Leave me alone. Please…” He pleaded. “I … do not want you to see me…I am disgusting…” “Please, do not say that.” Elrond begged as he dared to place a hesitant hand on the agitated back of the figure bundled under the covers. The shaking body suddenly jerked off the touch as if acid had been thrown onto it, chanting repeatedly for him not to touch him. Yet the Lord of Imladris did not comply. Instead he climbed fully into the bed and embraced his reluctant beloved, holding him steady so he could not escape. “No! Let me go! I am soiled; I do not want you to touch me! Let me go!” Erestor struggled with the force of ten elves, despite his feverish state, his self believed taint and pained heart unable to bear the loving hold of the only one he truly loved. “Please! I do not want you to touch me…” He reiterated, crying desperately. “Please…” “Listen to me!” The half-elven Lord said with a raised, commanding voice. “Listen to me!” He repeated, adding a strong snapping shake to the hysterical elf panting in his arms. “I LOVE YOU!” He yelled, crying almost desperately, as the other one did not stopped his struggling. “I love you! I cannot let you go… I still… love you…” His voice faded as the one cradled within the safety of his arms quieted to a constant tired sobbing. “I love you…” Elrond assured, whispering to the other’s ear as he placed his head on Erestor´s shoulder resting his own cheek against the other’s. “I never stopped loving you. I tried so hard…I love you…” “You can not love me… I am filthy whore…” The Lord of the House closed his eyes as he acknowledged the tint of pain in his loved one’s voice. He truly believed what he was saying… He had made him believe that… *that* word had been the best way he had found to hurt him. “I … am unclean…” “I love you Erestor. I do not care what happened, we will sort it out… But please do not ask me to let you go. I cannot do so, I cannot lose you again. Not again…” Elrond sobbed into the dark hair beneath his face. And there they stayed spooned, holding each other for eternal hours. Thousands of fears and doubts crawled in to the suffered crowded minds, yet both of them knew that that was not the time to speak of them. So they remained silent, hearing each other breath in, sharing faint caring caresses to innocent parts of their bodies. Erestor suddenly felt the need to face his loved one and after almost three hours he dared follow his heart. Turning tentatively under the caring arm embracing him he was able to see Elrond. His face was tired and traces of his crying still showed on the lovely features. How much did he want to raise his hand and pet the tear traces away from the pale cheeks? How much did he want to feel himself worthy of one of Elrond´s kisses? But he was not… nothing would never change what he had done. He had let all those elves and men, do things … Soft fingers playing against his own cheek brought him back to reality, and he found himself looking at the wall… that was why they were playing there… Elrond wanted for him to look at his face. Apparently Erestor had looked away as his memories from no long time ago crept back into him. The fingers, now cupping his chin drew him to look at Elrond who was looking adoringly back at him as if Erestor was the most beautiful jewellery in Arda… “How can you still look at me like that?” he asked bittersweetly, vainly trying to look away again. “Because you are beautiful … and I love you like nothing else in the world.” Elrond answered, smiling devotedly to his better half, watching him in disbelief. He wanted to sigh frustratedly as his eyes set on Erestor´s half parted lips, they were calling to him… to bend and brush his own against them. But he thought that might be too much for his beloved. * Oh! Elbereth, I want to feel your lips again… * Locking his eyes with Erestor´s he finally started to softly bend over the alluring lips as the maddening voice in his head kept screaming for him to do so. He could not help it. He needed to feel those sweet, long missed lips again, even if it was but for a glimpse of a second he needed to know he was not dreaming. His lips pressed faintly against the others as his eyes automatically closed. His hand rubbing the captive cheek stopped its ministrations to give him the impression the kiss had deepened some. But that was just an illusion he chose to believe. Erestor pulled away ashamed, after some seconds, not permitting himself to do what his lips had automatically started for him. “I can not…” He mumbled feeling guilty and looking away. “I am sorry,” whispered Elrond ashamed at his lack of self control. “Please forgive me… I …” “I …” “I am sorry…” The Lord of Imladris muttered as he resumed the movements on the other’s face as if to soothe the distress away. Suddenly he came to think of something he never dared pay much attention to. What if his loved one did not feel what he had before all this… had started. What if … he…if his feelings…? Somehow he needed to find out, but nothing that would not jeopardize their approach came to his mind. Perhaps it was time to leave Erestor to assimilate what had happened. Perhaps he was being too selfish and invasive, not wanting to realize the elf he held captive under his upper body, not to mention his arms circling the figure over the blanket. Perhaps it would be better to call Glorfindel and… “I will go get Glorfindel.” He stated as he stood. Although he knew it was too soon for Erestor to want him by his side, he could not help feeling his heart shattering into millions of pieces when the so much loved voice did not call for him. Opening the door Elrond spotted his golden haired friend waiting patiently next to the closest window. And as soon as Glorfindel started to walk to his own room Elrond rushed out with out saying a single word. * * * * * * * * * * * * * Glorfindel entered the room, closing the door behind him and approached the bundled elf on his bed, he seemed asleep from the distance but as he approached he noticed that Erestor was well awake. He was crying. The younger dark haired elf raised his hand from under the pillow he was hiding it to ask Glorfindel to approach to him, and after the elder elf sat at the edge of the bed Erestor rested his head in the other’s lap. Glorfindel´s fingers worked combing soothingly the distressed elf’s dark hair. “I am confused…” Erestor muttered shivering. “What is confusing you?” The elder elf asked quietly. “Everything… He told me he still loved me.” “I think he does.” “I am disgusting, Glorfindel. How can someone love me? I can not see myself in the mirror with out hating me…” “That will change with time. You will get through this Erestor. All in it’s right time.” “I can not stand this anymore.” Erestor stated, darkly and tiredly “Things will change. They already started to change. And the pain will diminish with the passing of the years.” Glorfindel whispered tenderly as his fingers ran peacefully along the long locks of hair falling disregardly to the coverlet. “And in the meantime, you have us to help you bear it. It is not yours alone anymore.” “I do not know my feelings anymore.” Erestor stated quietly, fearing and hating the insecure words leaving his lips. “And it is extremely hard to trust his words…” “You will have time to figure things out. Do not worry about that now.” After saying that Glorfindel looked down and saw the dark’s haired elf’s expression lost somewhere towards the wall. Erestor had fallen asleep. His fever; finally taking him once more from the world of reason and into the one of his dreams and nightmares. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Two days had passed, and two nights had soared over since the Lord of Imladris had spoken with Erestor and now he could not find his sleep. The few, short visits he had paid his beloved were replaying over and over on his mind as a maddening dream. In none of those visits Erestor had kept eye contact, nor giving any sign to reveal his feelings. All, Elrond had to hold on to, was a feverish, unconscious declaration of love. Looking down to the gardens from the terrace of his study, he could see Erestor and Glorfindel talking near one of the fountains and it seemed they were heading towards the main path out of the city. He sighed and went back inside to end his paper work. * * * * * * * * * * * Despite Celebrian´s yelling and recriminations he had decided not to attended dinner, she had claim to be entertaining visitors from Mirkwood and Balar but Elrond did not cared about visitors, all he wanted to do was be with himself and think. Although his mind was starting to feel the lack of sleep and peace, and his body the lack of food, still; he did not want to move from the safety of his study, as if the possibility of crossing with one of Erestor´s uncaring looks might been to much for him to handle. He turned at the sound of someone clattering about, to see Glorfindel placing a tray with light food on the side of his desk. “I am not hungry.” He stated dryly and gloomily. “I already have Erestor to worry about. Are you going to give another reason?” Glorfindel asked musingly as he putted some papers away. “Come, eat, Elrond.” He ordered lightly. “My children are going to be lucky to have you as their second father.” The Lord of the house stated as he took his place in front of the arranged tray of food, leaving his blond friend out of words. “How is Erestor?” He asked as he picked at the plate of food in front of him. “I guess I can say he is doing better. He can not spend long periods of time alone though.” “I have noticed.” “And I still can not manage to make him eat at the main table.” “Did he know that I was not going to be present tonight? Perhaps he is avoiding me.” “He is avoiding everybody. Not to mention that you are avoiding him” “I… can not manage anymore that fearful expression he gets when I am around. It is too much.” “So, you are going to hide here for the rest of your life?” “It will not be long time…” Elrond mused bitter sweetly mostly to himself. “He is as much as afraid as you are Elrond. You two only need time to heal and believe in each other again.” Smiling to his dark haired friend Glorfindel sighed. “Now stop picking up your food and eat it. We will not move from this place until you do so” He ordered once again, making Elrond chuckle heartily. After some chitchat the golden haired elf Lord was gathering the tray to take it to the kitchen. “We will be in the gazebo tomorrow afternoon, around five I suppose.” And after saying that, he left Elrond to his torturing thoughts. TBC... Chapter: (9/12) He was walking fast. Perhaps too fast for an elf but he could not help it. If he considered the idea but for a mere second he was sure he would have turned in his heels to go back the same way he came. The grass under his leather slippers bent gently under the heavy weight crushing it. His robe slightly floating around him accompanying the few flying dark locks of his hair. He suddenly stopped at the entrance of one of the hidden gardens. Erestor was sitting there, in the steps of his favourite gazebo, his loosened hair thrown back in a way that left the too slim, yet still lovely features entirely at Anor´s warm light’s disposition, his eyes closed his breathing calm and even… both hands resting behind his body, on a higher step, supporting his weight. Elrond sighed deeply, for without noticing he had stopped breathing as he eyed such a breathtaking scene. He slightly moved toward the natural plant wall he was standing next to, and Erestor´s eyes opened to find him staring. “Glorfindel is not here.” Erestor announced, almost whispering while sitting straight on his step. “I believe he went to the stables to finish some chore, he said he had forgotten about it.” Well that was all, if Glorfindel was not there then Elrond considered, he should leave Erestor alone. There was not excuse he could invent to stay there, was there? No, there was not. Then why could he not move from his place? He was standing, next to the green vegetal wall staring at the resting elf, who, unlike him had finally seemed to have found a moment of peace. “Actually I was not looking for him.” He ended up muttering. “I am sorry, but I have not seen anybody else around here…” The younger elf stated quietly, staring at his hands. “I have found the one I was looking for, although I do not think he might want my company.” “Why would you be looking for me Elrond?” Erestor asked calmly and self-deceptively. “I wanted to spend some time with you. Do you think it possible?” He was pleading, shamelessly pleading his beloved not to reject him as he always did. And he did not care. He would have to learn to settle, with the little time Erestor allowed him to share with him. That little time would have to suffice. The dark haired younger elf raised his gaze from his hands to glimpse hesitatingly at Elrond, and smiled shyly at the pleading, puppy look his beloved was giving him. So long since he’d seen that, so much time had passed since he saw those lovely gray eyes sparkling like that. Erestor had never been able to refuse anything to Elrond and he found out at that precise moment he might never be, “I was only listening to the singing of the birds… I can not remember the last time I paid attention to them.” The beatings of Elrond’s heart fought between the possibilities of quieting down or beating even faster. He could barely believe Erestor had not asked him to leave him alone. Staring to no specific place, the Lord of Imladris concentrated his hearing in the little birds singing happily over their heads and smiled, as soon as he realized that he could also not remember when was the last time he had paid attention to them. “They sound happy”. “I think they are,” the sitting elf smiled while closing his eyes once again to concentrate on the blissful, relaxing sound. Elrond´s gaze went back to his loved one and there, at the sight of him he lost himself for endless minutes before he moved, to quietly sit next to him. *I miss you * The half-elf Lord wanted to whisper. “You look weary.” Erestor muttered softly, suppressing the urge to pull a rebellious braid out of Elrond´s face. It was not his place to do so… no matter how much he desired to raise his hand and softly push it away, he could not lay his tainted fingers on him. “I can not sleep well.” “It will always be hard to sleep well if you spend the entirety of all your nights in the study.” Elrond raised his look from his tangled fingers and gazed at Erestor. How did he know that? He wondered silently to himself, not even Glorfindel knew that. “It is hard to find some rest with so many ideas in my mind.” “Elrond!” “Yes?” He replied, not even trying to hide his annoyance. “What is it, Celebrian?” “The bridge architect wants to discuss something with you.” She urged, vainly trying to look adorable and unaffected by the display before her eyes. “I will meet him later.” The half-elven Lord declared. “It might be important.” She hurried, almost ordering. “Did he say so?” He asked, staring and matching her piercing gaze. “I will meet him later. Something else you need to tell me?” “No, My Lord. That was all.” She forced a weak smile to her lips and turned to leave. “You better go…” Muttered Erestor against his will. He did want his beloved to stay there with him even if they sat silently until the nightfall; he just wanted him to stay with him, to know that he was there. But the warning in his heart told him otherwise. He was not sure why though. “Are you dismissing me?” The half-elf Lord asked, elegantly arching an eyebrow while looking light-heartedly at his beloved who could not help but laugh. The laugh was soft, as soft as the summer breeze that invades a room when the sun is hiding in the horizon and as fresh as the mixed air announcing the coming of the rain. Elrond smiled, it had passed even more time than the one, since he stopped listening to the birds, that he found himself almost believing he might have forgot how was to see, and listen Erestor´s musical and warm laugh. “I can certainly not order the Lord of the house to abandon one of his own gardens…” The younger elf teased between chuckles. “Yes *you*, can. And you know so…” Their eyes met for endless seconds as the musical laugh diminished from heartily amused chuckles to a shy hesitant smile remaining in Erestor´s lips even, when he looked away. They remained silent almost for an hour, just listening to the fading singing of the birds and the upcoming sounds of the night. Elrond shifted slightly his head to ask Erestor for a walk and his heart stopped as he saw the same lost and troubled expression in his beloved’s face. The same one he wore a couple of days ago; after Elrond had kissed him…the same fear, doubt and terror. “Erestor?” Elrond whispered softly and smiled reassuringly when the other found his concerned eyes. “What are you thinking of?” It was measureless, the need of his heart to erase that pained expression, the need to soothe all worries and fears away with a tender caring touch, kiss… “Talk to me?” He asked, doing none of the things his heart and body yearned for. “I… have none other to ask…” Erestor muttered insecurely, avoiding his loved one’s eyes. “You … saw, me… that night…” He paused to measure the other’s reaction but for his surprised was no more than a tensed uncomfortable posture, perhaps even clenched teeth. “I need to… know what is it that you saw…I … can not remember…” “You can not remember?” Elrond asked, shaken. Had Erestor been telling the truth that day? He had claimed not to remember what he had done but… it had been a lie… Hadn’t it? Just a lie to cover… “You really, can not remember? I thought…” “I need to know what happened…” Erestor pleaded at the edge of tears. “I need to know what did I … you … were there.” Closing his eyes, Elrond looked away as he breathed in deeply as if the mere fact of reminding that disastrous day made him actually live it again. An insecure light hand came to rest on his arm making him gaze back at Erestor who instantly retrieved his hand. “Please…” “I only, saw you for a few seconds… I … could not stand to see you …” “Whoring myself…” The younger elf muttered, sick at himself. “No…I… could not stand, to see you, with others … I hated you at that moment but I also envied them… because they were the ones … giving you pleasure…” “Staring at his shaking hands Elrond went on, “I must have been there, for less than seconds… what I saw is very little…” “But, what did you see?” Erestor insisted, not daring to face Elrond. Instead his eyes were lost in his own mind as he tried as another thousand times to remember that night… that fatal night which had made him a new elf… The Lord of Imladris sighed as he ran a nervous hand along the dark mane of his hair. It was not easy to remember the sight, much less would be to retell it to Erestor. If he did truly not remembered, why adding more weight to his self conscious guilt and shame? “So bad, was it? That you not dare telling me… even if what you witnessed was but a glimpse of the entire night…” The chief advisor of Imladris bit his lower lip as the only remaining attempt to hold back his tears… Elrond’s hesitance in telling him the truth made Erestor realized that it might have been something really disgusting and low that made the little hope he had left vanished… His beloved would never be able to love him again… not after what he had done. “There were four others with you …” The half-elf Lord said before swallowing hard. “One, was… two of them worked your nipples… while the other two…” Looking at his loved one Elrond could see the distress his words were causing, he was not sure if Erestor needed to know or remember… It might trouble him even more than he already was. “Erestor…” “Please, tell me…” The young elf was crying now, his clenched hands white due the tighten grip. He felt he could not breathe, suddenly hyperventilation made him feel dizzy and about to throw up. But he needed to know. He needed to know how sordid he had been, how low he had fallen. “Are you positive about this?” A sudden nod beckoned the Lord of Imladris to continue, perhaps ordered him to do so. “One was … taking you… from behind… roughly and the other… sucked…” Watching the trembling elf sitting next to him Elrond realized as Glorfindel had done long ago that there was, indeed, something wrong with the entire picture. One does not erase an entire night, especially, one like that. No matter how drunk you were…you did not forget everything, and Erestor seemed to have not recollection at all of it, he looked as revolted as Elrond had seemed when he had seen him… “You do, not remember…” The half-elf said, still in wonder, to get a slight denying shake of head from the other staring at his feet. “What is the last, you remember?” He asked, almost inaudibly. But the other was too shaken to form a reply. The tremors were increasing and Erestor´s breathing was becoming more and more irregular with the passing of the minutes. His already colourless face went even paler. Erestor lifted his gaze as a warm hand covered his own, to find nothing less than love and calm in the gray eyes looking back at him. How could Elrond managed to look at him like that? Erestor knew he was a filthy whore, and he could not conceive how his loved one still managed to give him that soothing tender look. “What is the last you remember?” Elrond tried once again, suppressing a sigh when Erestor pulled his hands free whilst looking away. “The morning council... you giving me some parchments to check… ” The younger elf mumbled, confused. “I found them in my desk the next morning…” Elrond thought out loud. “You must have appeared after I left the study.” “I do not know.” “The dreams, you see nothing in your dreams that might give you a clue? Or reminiscences of that night?” “I only see distorted faces and bodies, shadows… nothing is clear.” Running both his hands over his face frustratedly. Erestor sighed, defeated. “I have been through this so many times, I am tired. It would be easier to forget.” “But not healthier. You can not heal your heart nor your soul in that way.” “Ah, I was wondering when the healer was going to appear.” Erestor chuckled sadly. “The fact is that I do not know if I do want my heart to heal nor I know if that is possible, either.” “It might be battered but it can be healed.” Elrond assured. “How come are you so sure?” “There is no wound that does not heal, some do not heal properly and some might leave scars, but they always heal. No matter how bad or deep they are.” “What about the ones which lead us to our deaths?” Frowning Erestor stood, descending some steps to feel the relaxing grass under his bare feet. “Those prove that not everything can be healed. Some wounds are mortal and are beyond our skills to heal.” “Is yours that deep?” Carefully watching his beloved walk idly around, Elrond tangled his fingers over his lap, waiting for an answer. “Are you going to let it kill you?” “I have nothing left to live for. Not anymore.” whispering sadly and lost in his pain, Erestor closed his eyes while lifting his face to the sky, to fell the soft tender breeze caressing soothingly his distressed features. “I only want to find peace now.” “I thought I might be a good reason for you to want to live.” Standing from his place Elrond dare approached his, at the moment, absentminded loved one. “I need you here Erestor.” He whispered pleadingly from mere inches away of the other’s body. “I need you with me A´maelarain.” Sighing tiredly, the younger elf turned to face the other. “You are an illusion, a beautiful tender illusion playing in my mind, but the problem with illusions is that they are not more than that. They are not real. For much I wish they were… You are going to have a family with your wife, and even were that, would not be a decisive enough matter; the fact that I do not deserve you any more is.” “I am not an illusion, I am yours. My heart is not Celebrian´s, nor mine; it is and always will be yours.” Daring to caress Erestor´s face, Elrond closed a little more distance between their bodies, praying his beloved would not back up “*You*are as much as not worthy of me as I am as much as not worthy of you, Erestor. I hurt you too. I failed you when you needed me the most. I saw you hurting yourself and I was not able to stop you.” “Our actions can not be compared, Elrond.” Pulling away swiftly, the chief advisor of the city looked away, avoiding the painful gaze of his beloved’s gray eyes. “You have not…” swallowing hard he tried vainly to continue until a soothing clasp grabbed his shaking shoulder. Disgusted with himself, Erestor shrugged it away. “I do not want you to touch me. I am soiled. I will always be and that will be my deepest irremovable scar. I…” Suddenly, not wanting to talk anymore, the dark haired elf flew through the Ithil-illuminated path to the main house. “Erestor!” Sighing deeply, Elrond looked up at Ithil shining brightly upon him from among the sparkly stars and begged to Elbereth once again, to return his loved one’s heart to him for a second time. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Some months later the elf Lords were quietly working on their respective tasks. Or at least two of them were, Glorfindel and Erestor were discussing the design of a new route for one of the border patrols and Elrond seemed not to been able to stop his distant adoration. Fortunately Erestor was immersed in his work and so was Glorfindel, working together had became a routine for his best friend and former lover, in fact they spent practically the entire day together. And although Elrond was happy for Erestor not been alone and depress as he used to be, he was also a little bit jealous of his golden haired friend, who had the chance to spend so much time with his beloved. Erestor was, fortunately, doing better. Baby steps-like changes happened once in a while, allowing him to fell a little more comfortable and secure with himself and the ones surrounding him. Three were the things that worried the half-elven lord the most. The first was that Erestor would not let him get near to him; a strange invisible wall was always between them, though there were times when things seemed to be less dense and disposed to give another small step in the healing of their relationship. It was as if Erestor somehow unconsciously managed to push Elrond away involuntarily, and it still hurt him. The second was that Erestor still did not wanted to appear in at the family table. It was impossible to make him attend a single meal or fool him to approach the dinning room during a meal time. Pretty much the same, thing always happened when visitors arrived. Erestor always managed to disappear. And third, last but certainly *not* the least important… Was the fear of the Lord of Imladris to the possible negative reaction of his loved one regarding his sons to be born within less than three weeks. Sighing deeply, Elrond got his former lover’s attention, who smiled briefly, timidly at him before his eyes went back to work on the big drawn sheet of yellowy paper. Smiling contently to himself for the smile he had been gifted with, the Lord of Imladris rested his chin in his closed hand. Little gestures like the recent one made him consider and hope that Erestor still felt something for him, although with the passing of the days it was easier to believe otherwise. Perhaps he did care about him, but not the same way the half-elf Lord wanted and needed. “I feel like drinking some tea.” Glorfindel declared as he caught Elrond’s object of distraction. “I will go prepare some. Shall I bring some for you?” He asked to none specific elf while stretching his inky fingers. “Yes, please. I feel rather cold. ” Elrond muttered from his place on his stuffed chair. “You look a little pale. Are you not felling well?” On his way to the door the golden haired elda stared searchingly to his half-elf friend who only denied him with a slight movement of his head. “I am only tired Glorfindel; it will pass as soon as I manage to sleep some.” “You will not sleep well if you spend all nights in the study.” Erestor offered quietly as he placed the quill carefully aside. “You should try going to your room tonight, and at least allow your body a proper rest.” “He is right.” Glorfindel agreed as he stepped out. “I will be right back”. Standing from his comfortable chair, Elrond headed to where his beloved was still studying his and Glorfindel´s work. “How do you know I do not retire to my private chambers after dinner?” He asked, not being able to hold back his intrigue any more, making his loved one to face him for a brief second before his gaze concentrated on the map once again. “No one knows I stay here.” “I see you when I walk around the gardens.” Distracted, Erestor acknowledged. “You should really try to get some rest.” “I wish I could. But I can not.” Sitting whilst allowing a tired sigh leave his lips Elrond looked at his beloved “Have you tried drinking a sleeping elixir?” “Mnnn… No.” “Perhaps you should.” Smiling tenderly to his former lover Erestor sat in the next empty chair. “Perhaps I should…” Smiling back Elrond crossed his arms over his chest. * Or perhaps I should slip into your bed and snuggle by your side * “You can not rest either?” He asked to his distracted object of admiration. “No, I can not sleep at night either.” “And you are not tired?” Arching an eyebrow, Elrond stared puzzled at Erestor who was at that moment staring back at him. “Naps. I fall asleep during the afternoons, and sometimes mornings too. Waking up from my recurrent nightmares seems to be less affecting if the sunlight is still up in the sky.” Shifting his gaze swiftly, Erestor concentrated his mind on the distant sound of the waterfalls. Sleeping during the day was not only, less scary when he woke from his perturbing dreams, but it also offered him the possibility to seek his friend and ease his mind with light talk. And insistent knock on the door made both elves to look at it in a worried look. “Come in.” Elrond beckoned, while standing from his place and approaching the anxious servant who had entered the study. “My Lord, Lady Celebrian has entered into labour. The midwife has sent me to inform you.” After swallowing hard, Elrond cleared his throat to speak, but no words came out from his mouth. He was in shock. Fortunately Erestor appeared by his side and with few words calmed the nervous maid and sent her back to her duties. Smiling tenderly, Erestor petted Elrond´s back, suddenly forgetting about his own fears and self-prejudices. His smile beamed even more when Elrond´s eyes found his own filled with silent reassurance. Another knock in the door distracted them both causing Erestor to retrieve his hand from his beloveds back. “Come in.” Elrond ordered lightly, appeasing the urge to start pacing around his study. Glorfindel appeared. “Has Nimur told you?” “Yes.” Was the only thing he managed to say. Suddenly not knowing what he was doing, Elrond felt he wanted to run away and hide. His life was a total mess and now two new innocent lives were about to be under his care and Celebrian´s… “Everything will be alright, Elrond.” Glorfindel assured, making Elrond snap from his mental wandering. “Where is Erestor?” Searching visually the entire place he found none other than the golden haired elf-Lord with him. Rubbing his brow insistently he sighed heavily. “I knew this was going to happen.” Picking up his robe from a close chair he putted it on and while buttoning it, he passed the blond elf distractedly. “You are not going to find him. None does when he hides.” “I have to try. You just let me know when I can see them.” “Elrond!” Glorfindel pleaded vainly, for the Lord of Imladris was already disappearing from his sight before he ended calling his name. TBC... Chapter: (10/12) It was night. Two new beings had been born and a welcome chant would be sung until Anor reached the sky the following day. Erestor could listen to the musical voices singing as one not far away from the tree he was sitting against. The only recurrent image coming to his mind was the panicked face of his loved one. He could imagine how much fears would be torturing his mind and heart, for despite all things that happened, he still knew Elrond better than none other creature in Middle Earth. Not that Erestor, himself believed it so, though. He also wondered what the babies would look like. If they would get their mother’s blond silvery hair or their father’s dark black, when they grew up… What colour their eyes were, and how pale their virginal skin was. He wanted to know if they were half as pretty as his beloved. He wanted to see them. Pushing his fears and recriminations aside, he stood and started his way back to the house when a sudden weight attacked him from behind making him fall in the grass hitting the side of his head with the ground. “It seems you want to ignore me now.” “Get off me!” Erestor struggled desperately. “Get off!” “That is not what you said before, love…” The body pinning him to the grass purred against his ear. The chief advisor of Imladris could fell the other’s arousal pressing presumptuously against his bottom. Stilling himself from his squirming Erestor tried to avoid the now unpleasant sensation. “I am saying it now! Let me go. Please…” He added, defeated, knowing that he had not enough strength to fight another, he was still weak from his feverish state of months ago and his own choice of skipping meals, not precisely a choice, but he did not forced himself to eat either. Little things were the things that passed his throat, mostly it was fruit. “Please…” “You will come back to me praying for me to touch you. *He* will not do it again, much less now…” Standing swiftly the attacker left his prey lying helpless in the grass. After pressing his forehead against the fresh pasture he stood clumsily to wipe his tears, he could not remember when they had started to flow but they were there now, and they were still falling down his check. Hurrying his steps he headed to the main house. Minutes later he was trying to control his pacing as he crossed the main hallway, he did not wanted to wake any strange ideas in any possible by, passers. A not so distant and insisting crying got his attention. One of the babies. Closing his eyes he tried to push the annoying noise away from his troubled mind. He had indeed started his way back with the idea to see the babies but now, he felt he just could not… Opening a door he entered a half illuminated room, and reaching the center of it he could see both babies, one crying restless and the other one searching visually the entire place. Standing next to the cradle he smiled as he noticed Elrond’s features in both infants, they were indeed as beautiful as his beloved. Watching them he realized that as this time, he would never be able to ignore any of this babies call. No matter how hard he had told himself to go to his room, he found himself unable to resist the calling of uncared cries. “You are going to upset your brother…” Erestor whispered as he placed his hands on the edge of the cradle. “Where is your nanny? She should be here.” What was so important as for to leave two newborn alone, what if they choke? If they stopped breathing? If they vomited? If they needed to be changed? Endless possibilities passed his mind only causing his outrage to increase. “Please stop crying…”He pleaded in a soft voice as his hand stopped on it’s way to perform a future caress on the petal rosy cheek. For as much as he wanted to soothe the babies’ discomfort he did not deserved to touch something so pure, it felt wrong, for someone as tainted as him to dare touching him. Yet the constant, demanding crying and squirming made Erestor end the remaining way to the baby’s face. A blissful smile blossomed in the chief advisor’s lips as the soft, pure skin of the infant’s cheek made contact with his fingers. “There, Shhh… It is alright…” Placing the palm of his hand in the baby’s chest he rubbed it soothingly. “Oh, it is alright, Shhh… you do not want to frighten your brother right? Look how calm he is…” Only those words were needed for the other baby to break into crying too. “No, no, no… I promise if you stop crying I will tell you a nice story… ” Sighing heavily, Erestor pulled the first crying baby up and hold him against his chest, petting the extremely small back soothingly, until the small figure in his arms quieted to a soft sob, seconds later he imitated the previous soothing movements on the smaller baby’s chest who had automatically quieted down when his brother did so. “He wanted you to hold him.” Elrond stated grinning and startling his beloved, from under the door frame he was standing in. “I am sure they would appreciate a nice story too.” With unhurried steps he came to stand next to his son and his loved one. “This demanding little one, I thought on naming him Elladan.” He declared, smiling to his firstborn whilst caressing the soft skull of the baby’s head. “And this one…” He interrupted his speech as he carried the smallest baby waiting patiently his turn in the cradle. “This one, I thought it might be Elrohir.” “Those are lovely names…” Erestor agreed distracted in his adoration of both infants at the same time as his fingers played with Elladan´s little hand. “They are so small and fragile…” The smile playing on Elrond’s lips vanished as he noticed a bruise to be, when some stray locks of dark hair moved faintly, revealing Erestor´s brow side. “What happened to you?” He asked softly, whilst pulling the re-accommodated locks away for better view. “Nothing,” was the only answer Erestor managed to say as a gentle finger traced the sides of the already formed bump. “I fell.” He mumbled aware that he could not make any sudden moves to avoid the touch due the baby within his arms, nor he really wanted to, so gentle and caring it was. “You fell?” the question accompanied by a distinctive arched eyebrow, was only asked due disbelief. “My Lord?” Asked the nanny, uneasily making both dark haired elven Lords turn to face her disapprovingly. “Why were my sons alone?” The nanny stared anxiously to her fidgeting fingers while feeling the intense gaze staring piercingly at her. “This will not happen again.” Elrond commanded, while placing Elrohir back in the cradle. “No my Lord.” Muttered the young maid while approaching to take Elladan from Erestor´s arms. “Please come with me Erestor.” The Lord of Imladris asked in a completely different tone of voice, while caressing both his sons for a last time. Both elves left the twins’ room and silently headed to the dispensary, where Elrond started to search the shelves for what he was looking for. “How is Celebrian?” Asked the chief advisor of the city as he approached the nearest window from which the pleasant sound of singing voices came. Noticing the sudden tenseness in Elrond’s figure, he stared at the other, not as worried as he would like to admit. “Elrond?” “She is well.” The half-elf Lord muttered between his teeth, as if not wanting to remember her at the moment. “Sit.” He ordered lightly as he approached Erestor, carrying a small bowl in his hands. Complying, Erestor sat in the window frame and looked up at his beloved standing in front of him. Taking the offered little, crafted bowl within his hands, his breath instantly caught up as Elrond’s hands pulled the falling hair cascading over his brow’s bruise away. “What are you doing?” he asked, but in a murmur and a tender smile was gifted to him as Elrond damped his fingers in the creamy greenish substance he had just prepared. Carefully the Lord of Imladris spread the substance of his fingers over the bruised area whilst his other hand cupped Erestor´s opposite cheek. Smiling when he sensed the other’s faint, silent and unconscious try to accomplish greater contact with it he automatically complied with the silent plea. His fingers started to move gently over the too pale cheek of the sitting elf while his other hand pulled a drifting braid away from the injured brow area. Erestor´s eyes were closed and his breathing was starting to become involuntarily erratic. Elrond’s hand traced it’s way to Erestor´s nape, causing him to pull slightly his head backwards, giving the half- elf Lord a better view to the alluring parted lips. He only needed to bend but a few inches, and those pleading lips would be his as they once were. Bending slowly, Elrond’s lips brushed tentatively with his loved one’s. He felt the sudden tension harassing quickly the other’s body, and trying to soothe away the unpleasant insecurity, he resumed the calming movements on the nape of the other’s neck. Erestor´s lips faintly started to answer the kiss in an extremely fearful way that made the half-elf Lord suppress an imminent cold tremble coming up from the base of his spine. Erestor was so awfully frail, Elrond realized only now, how much fear his beloved had within himself. The chief advisor of Imladris pulled off the kiss, looking guiltily away. “Erestor.” Elrond pleaded softly, while cupping the other’s chin tenderly for his advisor to face him. But there was no use, Erestor might be facing him but his eyes dared not, seeking refuge in some point of the fabric of Elrond´s robe. “Am I the only one feeling this? Am I so mistaken when reading your feelings towards me?” Looking even more guiltily at his beloved than when he had broken the blissful kiss, Erestor denied faintly with a swift move of his head. “I do not deserve your love after what I ...” His words trailed dramatically off as he looked away once again. “But I am not strong enough to be away from you anymore. Much less strong I become when you are so close to me…I feel I need to have you closer, yet when you kiss me I feel I am passing my taint to you somehow... and that is the last thing I want to do, I never meant to hurt you.” “I never meant to hurt you this much, but I did, and for that I do not deserve you either. But I am more selfish than what you might consider yourself. Because even though I know I do not deserve you, I still want to have you, and I will not stop asking for your love until you tell me you do not love me anymore.” “How can you still want me after what I did! I can not see myself in the mirror without hating myself, how…?” “Erestor, what happened is a two-way road. You hurt me, yes. But I hurt you as much, too. You are not guilty of what happened. We both were.” The elven Lord strongly assured. “I slept with all those… I let them… How can you get to forgive me…?” “The same way you might get to forgive me, if you are able to do so. Love.” Smiling lovingly at the shocked elf looking back at him, Elrond got the small recipe bowl cradled in Erestor´s hands and took it to the table. “Come,” he said from the under the door frame, waking his beloved from his sudden trance. “I will walk you to your rooms; I do not want you to ‘fall’ again.” Erestor smiled at the tone of voice his loved one had used to acknowledge him that he was well aware of what might have happened, deciding to leave it that way for the time been, and stood to go next to him. After walking in comfortable silence for several minutes, both elven Lords got to a disjunction that gave two different possible ways in result. Elrond stopped as Erestor did so. Apparently he was studying both hallways carefully, as if trying to make up his mind which one he should take. Looking puzzled at the dark haired elf the Lord of Imladris waited for some kind of reaction. Not really knowing what he was waiting for though, the only possible way he considered possible was the right hallway, which would lead them to their private rooms. The other corridor was being improved and it was still under construction. Not even candles were lit during the nights in it yet. “I am not going to my bedroom.” Erestor stated, cocking slightly his head to see Elrond. “Do you still want to walk me to where I am heading?” The Lord of Imladris blinked twice and frowned, not really understanding what was happening, but he nodded nonetheless, without thinking twice about his answer. Erestor smiled shyly at him and entered the shadows of the ghostly hallway, Elrond followed. At the end of the corridor a balcony gave one of the most beautiful views to the cascades of the entire house. Breathing in the half-elf Lord sensed the moist perfumed air of the valley invading his lungs. Closing his eyes he could fell the tiny little droplets of water missed in the air colliding gently with his face, smiling at the pleasant refreshing sensation Elrond sighed. “What are we doing here?” He asked, lost in the enjoyable sensation. “Here is where I stay.” Erestor declared calmly, while enjoying the view. “Are you telling me that you will spend the night here?” Disbelievingly and surprised Elrond opened his eyes to look at Erestor who had started to laugh softly. “No, not here. There.” Smiling amused at the disbelief in the other’s features Erestor pointed a big tapestry hanging from the nearest wall. “Come, I’ll show you.” Pulling the fabric of the carpet away Erestor opened a wooden door and entered the small room hidden behind it. Elrond followed and instantly searched visually the place taking in the new and never before seen surroundings. “The architects were going to close this room; apparently it turned out to be smaller than they had planned it.” While explaining this Erestor lit some candles to help Ithil illuminate the room. “Here is where you hide, when you disappear, and no one can find you. Why are you showing it to me?” Elrond asked puzzled and surprised; it did not made much sense that Erestor had recently pulled him away and now he was showing him the only place he knew the lord of Imladris could never imagine to find him. “Because I realized I do not want to hide from you anymore.” Lost in Elrond´s amazed eyes Erestor shyly and hesitantly asked. “Would you stay with me? And hold me during the night? Please?” Happiness and fear mixed in his stomach when Elrond nodded but he could certainly not help but beam with joy. He could never have imagine himself asking Elrond something like this again, a year ago it would have seemed as something natural but now it felt bold to the elf standing nervously next to the chandelier. Elrond approached Erestor and after looking lovingly at him he turned to blew off the few recently lit candles and cupping the other’s hand in his own he smiled reassuringly. “We do not need candlelight to sleep.” Pulling gently the elf’s hand cradled in his own, Elrond directed them both to a comfortable divan waiting patiently for them in the middle of the small room. Re-living the familiar synchronized movements, both elves lay on the cosy divan. Resting hesitantly his head in Elrond´s shoulder, Erestor allowed the inviting arms to enfold him securely yet loosely to the other’s chest. Closing his eyes, the chief advisor of the city took a deep breath in, his loved one’s perfume making him feel dizzy and blissful. How many times he had dreamt to be held again like this, he could not remember. He felt secure, protected and over all things he felt loved. Erestor knew he did not deserved it, he did not deserved to be embraced by Elrond´s caring arms… but he could not help wanting to stay tangled forever in them. *Are you comfortable?* The soft whisper brushed his hair as a tentative hand dared make the first move to pet the dark tangled mane of hair falling across his back and the Lord of Imladris´ chest. After a deep sigh Erestor nodded off, muttering a weak ‘mhmmm...’ His hand, resting quietly on the other’s chest started to draw incoherent patterns over the soft fabric of Elrond´s robe whilst concentrating his hearing on the beating heart muffled by the thick fabric of clothing covering Elrond´s body. Resting firmly a hand on the other side of the breathing chest -opposite to where his head was resting- Erestor smiled and sighed contently. It felt a sin to feel the way he was feeling at that moment. It felt too good, and perhaps even unreal. Lifting his face, he looked at his beloved in the eyes. And a hesitant hand moved to the pale cheek to trace a reassuring finger across it. The shadows and Ithil´s dim light gave an almost surreal aspect to the passive elf under him. “I am here.” Elrond said but in a whisper as if reading his loved one’s mind, while cupping the exploring fingers in his hand, driving them to his lips, for a sweet, loving kiss. The grey stormy eyes darkened unconsciously with passion and repressed desire as Erestor´s eyelashes fluttered naturally responding to the ministrations his fingers where receiving. “I … feel I might wake up at any moment.” Looking intently at the other between half open eyelashes, Erestor declared. “It frightens me. To think I might lose the little of you I have.” “’Tis no dream, Erestor.” Leaving the trembling hand aside to caressed Erestor´s face Elrond smiled. “I will not disappear with the rising of the sun, and you will *never* lose me. You never did, you never will.” Erestor smiled shyly as he fought back the urgency to close his eyes and surrender to the soothing motions playing on his face. How much he wanted to kiss the elf underneath him at that moment, his entire body craved for the innocent, intimate contact of a kiss, the tender brushed of their lips, the aching meeting of their tongues. But he dare not comply his feelings for he was not sure if he would be able to maintain the kiss. All the times his loved one had intended to do so, he had felt repulsive and soiled. And this time he did not want to hurt Elrond for something he did not know how to control. *What are you thinking about?* The tender whisper asked him, as his beloved tightened lightly the arms around his body. As if fearing the elf in his arms might jump away. Elrond smiled as he felt the other’s body drawing closer to him due the light tightening he had inflicted within his arms. The Lord of Imladris´ body would have relaxed if not for the enticing situation he was immersed in. “Talk to me A maelarain.” He whispered pleadingly. “I want to kiss you.” Erestor answered simply yet cautiously. “Yet, I am afraid I might not be able to…” “I think you will be able to.” The Lord of Imladris assured with a comforting smile. “I do not want to hurt you.” “You won’t.” Staring almost pleadingly into Erestor´s eyes, the half-elven Lord waited for the other to make up his mind. “If it is worth something, I do want you to kiss me.” He assured pleadingly. “I miss your lips.” He declared as the palm of his hand cupped once again Erestor´s face and a playful thumb traced delicately the line of the other’s soft lips. Bending as if in slow motion for both sides Erestor came to be within but few inches of his beloved’s lips. The brushing of them was as tender and light as a butterfly flying closely to skin. “You want me to kiss you.” Erestor muttered, increasing, with his whispered words, the contact of their lips. It was not really a question but self- reassurance as he still could not believe that the moment he was living was really happening. “Yes…” Whispered back the half-elf Lord in a cracked voice, ordering himself to control his longing to close the aching distance between his lips and his loved one’s. A soft moan escaped his throat as Erestor´s mouth finally covered his own. His arms ached as he commanded them to remain as loose as possible around the other’s body. His lips responded gently to the hesitant kiss they were been bestowed with. If Elrond had believed Erestor unconfident and shy the first time they have ever kissed he had been mistaken, for this present one, was timid and insecure. The other’s lips asked gently for entrance, which was instantly granted, winning another moan from deep in Elrond’s throat. The loose grip on Erestor´s body tightened greedily, as he drew closer to the half elf lords´. Their tongues played, numbly as if waking from a long dream, as if they needed to know each other all over again. Yet this barely awkward sensation did not dim the kiss, nor the feelings of the ones sharing it. Their lips melting with the other’s was a blessing by itself to their yearning souls. The kiss deepened noticeably with the passing of the seconds, so did the already raised beating of their hearts, and breathing, ending only when air was claimed by their aching lungs. Erestor blushed and looked away once the kiss had ended, only to find his face cupped by the other’s hands, ordering him gently to face their owner. He complied, finding a loving, caring smile in his beloved’s face. “If you look away you will make me think you did not enjoy the kiss.” Elrond teased lovingly, while petting the remnants of distress away from Erestor´s features. “It was a clumsy kiss.” The raven haired elf stated, smiling bashfully as he snuggled back in the safety of the half-elf Lord’s arms, crossing the other’s chest with an arm to find a stray dark braid to play with. “I never thought I might get to kiss someone again.” He declared, half asleep after an impossible to restrain yawn. “Why?” “Because, I never thought possible to be with you again,” Erestor mumbled before his eyes unfocused somewhere on the wall and his fingers stopped playing with the lock of hair they held captive. Elrond blinked confused at the recent words, what had he meant with someone again? His line of thinking wavered till it vanished from his mind when Erestor moved instinctively closer into the embrace. Smirking contently, Elrond kissed the other elf’s head, and petting the dark hair spread over the other’s back, he started thinking of the possible future to come, and with these alluring ideas of a happier future ahead he surrendered to slumber, feeling as content as he had not felt in a long, long time. * * * * * * * * * * * Erestor´s body moved naturally closer to Elrond’s holding him safe as his hand moved over the calmly breathing chest. He smiled still sleepily and snuggled even closer, feeling the arm tightening its grip on him. Allowing his body to rest in one of his arms, the raven haired elf straightened so he was able to see his still sleeping lover, practically, beneath him. His fingers travelled all the way to Elrond’s cheek and petted it softly. Bending gently as if not to wake the elven Lord, Erestor brushed his lips with Elrond’s, kissing softly each one of them. The half-elf Lord moaned faintly as a smile was born in his lips and his eyes focused on the loving elf. “I woke you.” Erestor blushed noticeably as he pulled faintly away. “Mnnn, I can not tell what would I give for you to wake me this way until the end of days…” Elrond smiled as his arms embraced Erestor closer. Smiling, the Noldor elf bent to kiss the elven Lord once again. This time, his lips parted as Elrond’s tongue asked for permission, taking control of the kiss. Deepening it gently, turning it into a passionate one with every swirl of Elrond’s tongue inside his mouth. Claming Erestor as his own once again. Erestor moaned, as he felt his body waking rapidly from its insensitive numb state. It was not only his body the one responding to the closeness of his lover’s body, but his heart as well. That heart, which had remained shut and safely protected in an iron shield for longer than a full year. It was starting to awake slowly with every loving touch, word and kiss… “I… do not think… I can…” Erestor muttered pulling shyly from the kiss as Elrond’s hands held him adoringly closer. Elrond looked into his beloved’s eyes in false puzzlement frowning slightly as if he did not know what Erestor was referring about before his hand pulled gently the naughty lock of hair away from Erestor´s view as he smiled pushing all distress from the Noldor elf’s face. “Having you looking at me the way you doing it know is enough for me as to ask for more Erestor. I would never ask of you something you are not ready for …” He assured, smiling devoutly at his lover. “The only thing I ever wanted, and I always will is to have you by my side, to protect you and to share my life with you.” “I never left your side” Erestor whispered. “I never left…I could not bear the idea of not seeing you everyday… Even though you did not want to look at me I had to see you…” The Noldor elf started to babble suddenly starting to get upset, his words speeding up slowly as anguish started to rise within his body and soul. Yet all seemed to diminish with the soft gentle touch of light fingers against his cheek. “I know.” The elven Lord whispered soothingly. “How can you know?” The chief advisor asked softly and sadly. “All I did was hurt you, I stayed but I could not stop hurting you.” “I just know it.” He reassured, caressing his lover’s back relaxingly, not wanting to start again the endless argument of whose fault it had been, if it had been someone’s. He just wanted to have his beloved’s love back as he had so long ago. He only wanted those eyes to set only on him. He wanted Erestor to want only his touch… And somehow he knew he still was the only one cherished by the Noldor elf’s heart. So this guilt they were both feeling was useless at this point, they should let it pass without recriminations or self dejection and move on in the healing of their relationship. “I could never let you go either.” He whispered, staring into his lover’s eyes. “We should probably go have some breakfast.” Elrond offered quietly and reluctantly after some minutes of mutual adoration, yet still lost in Erestor´s green eyes. “And I am sure Glorfindel might be worried of where you are by this point.” The dark haired elf nodded smiling at the half elf Lord and sat stretching lazily before he stood, considering he should have told Glorfindel he was alright. “You should check on the babies first.” He offered softly. “That maid seemed sweet but fairly young.” Elrond grinned at the statement, amused and happy. Realizing of the huge difference between his wife and his lover, the own mother to the babies had not even wanted to see them once they had left her body, and Erestor who had been only minutes with them was already caring for them. And something told the elven Lord that was only the beginning of a caring that would surely became into spoiling. “Come check on them with me.” he asked, holding out a an inviting hand to the other elf, who soon accepted it, tangling his own fingers with Elrond’s; smiling at the lazy fingers he petted them gently with his own and started to lead the way to the twins’ chamber. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * As Elrond had been expected, the twins were on their cradle the young maid taking care of them peeping longingly to the spring covered gardens outside the window. The elven girl turned as she heard quiet steps behind her and bowed elegantly as she recognized the elven Lord entering the room with one of his advisors. “Has she seen them yet?” Elrond asked, trying to cover the indignation he was feeling towards his legal wife at the moment as he approached the pair of babies looking curiously at any movement around them, smiling at the curios little ones as he caressed tenderly both his sons’ heads as his lover moved to stand next to him to see the small elflings too. “No My Lord, she has not asked to see them yet.” The nanny said quietly, wisely avoiding the fact that her own mother, Celebrian´s personal maid and assistant, had tried to convince the elven Lady but an hour ago when the babies had been hungry again, yet the only answer she had gotten was an optional method to feed the children. Erestor picked Elladan up as he had started to whimper quietly and more confidently than the previous night, he started to rock Elrond’s firstborn gently and he hoped he would not start crying as the previous night, his hand holding carefully the small head as he slowly swayed the infant in his arms protectively against his chest. Both the elf Lord and the elven maid could not help but smile at the image; both swinging elves were happy and fully lost in the others’ movements. Watching Erestor, Elrond wondered how he had managed to believe the lie his lover had created for him, how could he not saw, as Glorfindel always told him there was something wrong with the entire picture? *This* elf was his lover, and he should have always known that. His mind was rapidly pushed away of his constant coherent and not so coherent thinking in trying to give some meaning to all the madness they had been living in; when Elrohir followed his older brother’s steps and started to whimper too. Smiling, he carried his youngest one in his arms, vainly trying to calm him. The elven girl moved after a couple of minutes to carry Elrohir as he did not stop crying, yet the baby seemed even more upset to leave his father’s arms for the girl’s. Passing Elladan to Elrond’s arms, who had fortunately stopped whimpering and was now busy looking around the room from his father’s safe arms, Erestor held Elrohir up and even though the small elf quietened a little he nevertheless continued his crying. Rocking him did not work, walking did neither work, nor did singing or speaking seemed to calm the upset bundle in the Noldor elf’s arms. Elrohir had passed from everybody’s arms now, and had end up in Elrond’s again once the young girl’s experienced mother had given it a try too. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The golden haired elf hurried along the hallway as the crying became more and more insisted and desperate. If that girl had left the twins alone again she would have to deal with Elrond this time. Newborn babies could not be left alone and at no one’s hear- range. Sighing somehow relieved to see the elflings’ father there and Erestor, he approached Elrond to check on the crying, pouting little elf. Unable to help himself he reached to caress the baby’s head soothingly. Elrond smiled gladly as his younger son eased the squirming to end up in a quiet tired crying; looking up at the eldar he grinned as he quickly yet carefully passed Elrohir to the other’s arms who held the youngest elfling hesitantly at first to became more confident as Elrohir quieted down completely, his hand grabbing reflexively a golden braid of hair to playfully tug it. Glorfindel smiled at the youngest prince as green wide eyes stared into his blue ocean ones whilst his index finger trailed gently the blushed soft cheek “A lovely baby as yourself should not be crying like that, Elrohir” He said softly as Elrohir grabbed one of the eldar´s fingers, whose hand was playing with the baby’s. “Not unless something is really happening to you.” Still smiling at the babe, Glorfindel finally managed to look up at the elfling´s father smiling brightly back at him, and then at Erestor who was too busy rocking Elladan quietly as the small elf tried to sleep. The eldar´s own smile grew wider as he noticed the pure untainted happiness the Noldor elf’s eyes. Erestor surely deserved all the happiness and peacefulness these two new elves would bring to his tortured heart. Smiling, the elven girl’s mother instructed her daughter to pick one of the infants as she picked up the other one. “I think Elladan and Elrohir need some rest…” She said, taking Elladan to the cradle, “And the elven Lords need some breakfast.” she ended motherly like to the rest of the adult elves remaining in the room, making them smile as a mother only can as they left to the kitchen. She had been more than worried for the beautiful elven princes, knowing their mother had never wanted them and might never would. Yet, watching at their father and his friends made her realize Elladan and Elrohir would be alright, for they would have all the basics a child needs. Love, affection and devotion… TBC… Chapter: (11/12) “I will go start my chores.” Erestor smiled at both Glorfindel and Elrond as he stood from his place at the kitchen table they were having breakfast on, after having eaten a proper amount of food for what his stomach was willing to hold. “Will I see you when you finish them?” Elrond asked, lolling his head back as Erestor tried to squirm himself between his beloved’s chair, who was unwilling to let him go, and the wall. Blushing, the Noldo elf smiled and nodded before carefully sliding out of the corner he was sitting between the wall and Elrond. * * * * * * * * * * * “Remember he is still very frail.” The golden haired elf noted softly, looking back at Elrond once the Noldo elf had left the kitchen. “I do not think he will bear to lose you again, nor he your distrust.” “I know.” Elrond mumbled quietly considering the words and the scanning all the living situations from these last months and year. “You were right. Something does not feel well in this entire matter.” He snapped, looking suddenly up at the eldar. “I do not know what it is, but I just know it as you did from practically the begging. Watching him last night … with the hesitation he kissed me, the sweetness and love … it does not seem to make any sense, he is the same …” Rubbing his brow Elrond looked at the mug of tea resting on the table. “He is not the same; he is neither the one you saw these past months, nor the one you met at the hallways of Gil Galad´s palace. He is someone you will have to get to know again, and learn to love this new being he has become.” Leaning on the table the blond elf looked at his friend as Elrond mumbled a distracted *I know* “I do not understand how he managed to act so indifferently and cold … being with …I do not understand how he could bear it, I just …I was so foolish. I should have done something. I should have…” Looking up as a gentle hand pressed over his arm, he found tender blue eyes soothing his distress away. “What you could have done or should have done does not matter now.” Glorfindel whispered. “What matters is what you will do from now on.” “I wish I could understand” Smiling after the sigh, the elder elf leaned back on his chair to drink a sip of his tea. “What is that you wish to understand?” He asked sympathetically of his obviously still troubled friend. These past months he had been busier with Erestor, been the one to need practically twenty four hour a day company not to start having nightmares or ghosts haunting him mercilessly. And even though he took care Elrond ate and slept the minimal amount of hours at least to tolerate a regular day, he had not had time to help him ease the puzzles in his mind. And he should have known better as to know there was more than one puzzle in Elrond’s mind, for the dark haired elven Lord parted every idea passing though it, into tiny little pieces to form it once again over and over from different perspectives until he found a satisfying result. “I have difficulty seeing him as the same being” Elrond mumbled considering carefully his words, as he tried to explain. “I see him see me, for example just when he left; he blushed and looked into my eyes with no more than love in them. I just … do not understand how he cannot recriminate anything that happened to me when it was my fault. And… I cannot see him as the same elf I saw moths ago. I just can not understand how someone can change so much in so little time…” “When you go to war, you cover your body as to not being hurt” The elda started and paused to see he had his friend’s attention. “Well, Erestor somehow felt himself in the middle of a war and being this a war of his heart and soul instead of his body; his armour was his coldness and indifference. That was his way to protect himself from any possible attack, yet, even though he refused to feel the pain at the moment he was wounded. He might have not showed his enemy he was hurt, but he was well aware he was, and to know that he needed to feel, he needed to feel either pain or pleasure to know he was still alive. But, this was not as simple as that for the one he considered his enemy was at the time was the one his heart held dear over all others so in a way he was trying to hurt the other back.” “But he hurt himself too.” “Yes he did, but I think he considered he deserved to be hurt. He needed to hurt you but he could not stand to do so, so he made sure he was hurt too.” Glorfindel looked at Elrond, waiting for any question that would let him know if he had made any sense at all or if he had just managed to babble all this time. The golden haired eldar thought he might understand a little of all that was going on in Erestor´s head after their several talks and the things he had seen with time, yet putting his ideas into words could be something a little confusing. “What you are saying is that he wanted to hurt me but he could not stand it. So he found something it would hurt us both?” Elrond frowned, looking at his golden haired friend to see if he had understood. “Yes. In simple words I think that resumes it.” Glorfindel considered, trying not to complicate with more words the idea Elrond had formed. It was certainly not as simple at that but that would suffice for the time being, with the years things would settle and Elrond would be able to form a more satisfying profile for his lover’s behaviour. “Do not trouble yourself over this any more my friend. You have now to focus in what your life is becoming.” He said softly and smiled when Elrond looked up, puzzled. “You have a family, might not be a conventional one, but it still is a family.” He chuckled. “You do know she does not want to see her sons, do you?” Elrond tensed as he sat back. “Yes, I have heard.” The elder elf nodded quietly before ending the contents of his mug of tea. “How can a mother not want to see the babies she carried for so long? Her own flesh?” “Perhaps she does not want to be a mother.” “Is it not a little late for that?” The Lord of the Valley asked, arching a distinctive eyebrow. “No.” Glorfindel answered simply, knowing the blond Lady never had wanted to have children nor had she wanted to marry Elrond in the first place. She only wanted to be free and have a quiet life with the love of her heart. “Not everybody is meant to be a parent.” Elrond sighed and nodded considering the elda´s words as a maid retrieved the cluttering of breakfast from the table. “As I said before” Glorfindel said as softly as if he was almost whispering. “Now, the ones you should focus your attention on are those lovely twins and your lover. She will find her own life in due time. We all do, for better or worse.” He smiled as Elrond nodded as a small elfling who had just understood the task handed to him, a severe frown dawning as he considered the words. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Already prepared for dinner, Elrond left his private chambers, pausing as he walked to the halls for the twins´ rooms. He had seen his lover as promised after Erestor had finished his chores and had, had no luck at all trying to persuade his lover to attend dinner. “Has she left them alone again?” The elven Lord asked quietly as he entered the room to find Erestor near the cradle. One of the Noldor elf’s fingers tightly gripped by Elladan´s little hand. “Mnnn? No.” Erestor smiled as he looked up to find his beloved. “I was heading to your quarters and I stopped to say good night to them, she asked me if I could watch them for a little while.” “Have you eaten?” Elrond asked pushing a stray lock of hair back to his place under the pin adorning his loved one’s hair. “Yes, I have eaten something in the kitchen before I came here.” He looked up at Elrond and smiled as he noticed the other did not believe him. “Glorfindel was there, I have to eat if I do not want him following me around the house with a tray of food while explaining the several reasons I need food for.” He joked good heartily, making Elrond chuckle. “Yes, He does that.” He grinned. “And it does work…” He considered, smiling at Erestor who was looking at him amused. “Thank you, Lord Erestor.” The elven maid called as she entered to find Elrond’s hand softly stroking his chief advisor’s back idly. “My pleasure.” Erestor smiled straightening up after having touched both twins noses playfully making them smile. “Rest well and do not cry.” He whispered to the infants. Elrond kissed both his sons and lead the way out. “What were you going to tell me?” He asked once outside making Erestor look at him. “You said you were heading to my chambers.” he reminded. “I just wanted to know if you were going to come after dinner” He asked hesitantly, afraid the other would say no. “I will go only if you want me to.” The half-elf Lord acknowledged softly and looking caringly at Erestor, while trying to silently let the other know he had no intention of rushing things. He had no intentions of rushing Erestor in any aspect an elf could be rushed regarding matters of love. “I do want to sleep in your arms.” The Noldo elf said, but in a shy whisper. Slowly Elrond moved to cup Erestor´s face in both his hands to brush their lips together. “I will be there as soon as dinner is over.” He whispered to the soft lips before kissing them again and left for the dinning halls. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * He went to Erestor´s hiding place two hours later, once he had been able to get rid of visitor’s questions and several greetings regarding the twin’s birth. Luckily he was now here, about to spend another night with his beloved cradling the Noldor elf to his arms and body. He smiled as he found his lover already snuggled under a fluffy large blanket in the same divan they had spent the night before. Erestor was quiet and lost in his thoughts, the grip on the side of the coverlet strongly gripping it as he held it to his chest. “Are you cold?” Elrond asked ever so softly as he finally decided to move near his lover crouching by the distracted elf who smiled at him as soon as he recognized the voice. “What?” The Noldor elf blushed slightly as he snuggled to the cushion smiling happily at his lover’s arrival. “I did not hear you…” “I just asked if you were cold” The Lord of Imladris reached to caress Erestor´s face softly and tenderly. “A little, yet nothing your warm body can not solve” Pulling the blanket up, he invited his love to lay with him as he cuddled with Elrond, sighing contently. “I was starting to think you had changed your mind.” Elrond frowned at the statement as he stroked his lover’s ebony hair lazily. “Why would you think that, A´maelarain? I am determined to spend not another single night without you by my side…” He assured, before Erestor could answer. “And I will never change my mind, ever.” The Noldo elf purred softly as he snuggled closer, his hand idly caressing Elrond’s chest as he closed his eyes to enjoy the peacefulness of the moment. “Amin mela lle Elrond.” “Amin mela lle beika A´maelarain.” Elrond assured softly, kissing the other’s hair adoringly. Sighing one last time, Erestor allowed his eyes to glaze in the starry night he saw outside the window and fell asleep. Elrond embraced his lover closer, fiercely possessive as if afraid someone or something would take the elf resting in his arms away from him, not that night perhaps, but somehow he was afraid someday this might come to happen again, he might have to deal with more lonely nights …without his beloved. Yet, this night he had him, he thought with a pleased grin as Erestor moaned faintly due the tight grip on his body. “You are mine…” He whispered softly. “Forever.” Almost chuckling when Erestor mumbled a sleepy confirmation to the statement Elrond kissed the dark hair again before he settled a little down the divan and fell asleep following his lover to a beautiful peaceful and shared dreamland. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * “I will go prepare something to drink.” Glorfindel stated as he stretched to an upright position, after having been bent working on a map for almost an hour. Erestor stretched to from the other side of the table “Perhaps you can bring some of those new biscuits the baker prepared for breakfast? I think there were some left…” He smiled. Glorfindel looked faking to be amazed at Erestor. “Have I heard right? Are you asking for food?” He asked making the other blush as he nodded. “I am a little hungry.” Erestor declared, softly chuckling. “I would like a sandwich please.” Elrond mumbled, still concentrated on his last paper just having heard the food word and not much of the conversation. Glorfindel glanced at Elrond before his eyes went back to Erestor. “I think I will write the date down…” He joked as he was pleased to see both his friends starting to act as they did before all the madness unleashed in Imladris. “What date?” Elrond asked leaving the last paper aside and standing to embrace his lover tenderly, resting his chin on Erestor´s shoulder as he looked at the golden haired elf. “The date of this day.” Glorfindel smiled at the image. “Both of you asking for food is an event that I think had not happened in at least a year.” He assured, buttoning his open robe as he moved to the door. “Would you prefer us to be continuing as a couple of days before this one?” Erestor asked smiling teasingly. “Never.” Glorfindel smiled back before leaving the study and both his friends alone. Erestor smiled and snuggled to the strong chest behind him “I would have never stopped if not for him…” he mumbled thankfully even though the elder elf could not hear him. Elrond smiled and nuzzled his beloved’s neck softly and tenderly. “What did he tell you?” He asked curiously to the pale neck. “Just what I needed to hear.” Erestor smiled as he decided to keep a secret what had happened that night to be only shared by the participants of it. Sometimes Erestor wondered if Glorfindel would have really made love with him, if he had not broken down as he did… “Whatever he did I am glad…” Elrond smiled at the sudden secrecy though something inside him made him fell a tiny bit jealous he was being excluded of it, yet he found himself unable to complain over such little thing, Erestor was now in his arms and Glorfindel was the one who somehow had managed to accomplish that. Shifting his lover in his arms, he bent to kiss the other lovingly and devotedly. Erestor wrapped his arms along Elrond’s neck as he closed the short distance between their bodies, moaning ever so faintly to the kiss as it deepened in repressed need. Three nights had passed since they had started sleeping together and none had dared to do more than hold the other in their arms. Even though, both their bodies were on fire with every faint brush of a hand or a leg, they were still too frightened something might go too fast. And they were right, Erestor still considered himself unworthy of his lover, he would probably always feel that way, yet, with every day that passed, every kiss his lips were graced with, he could not help but want more; he could not help want to allow Elrond to *love* him. “How nice is to see you both together again.” Celebrian smiled falsely as she closed the door with a hard push, almost making the wing she had entered through slam with the force of it. Elrond tightened his grip automatically as he sensed the other pulling away from his arms. Instead the elven Lord allowed the other to shift in his arms as he held Erestor to his chest. “Oh, I am sorry If I interrupted, I did knock but perhaps you did not hear.” She smiled. “What can I do for you?” Elrond asked politely and coldly to his wife. “I only wanted to announce to you that I will be leaving for Lórien within two weeks from today.” The silver haired lady announced, unable to avoid hatefully glancing at the elf amorously held in her husband arms. “The twins can not travel yet, they are still too young.” Elrond snapped, trying to control his accumulated anger towards Celebrian, not wanting his sons in any possible danger or away. “I was planning on going by myself.” She stated calmly and coldly as if she actually had never given birth to those beautiful babies. “I am sure you will be able to take good care of them while I am gone.” The Lord of Imladris almost snorted at the last statement; if the elfling´s lives depended on Celebrian´s deeds this far, they would be already dead. Yet, Elrond managed to nod, a fake smile plastered to his face as again he was unable to speak his mind due political issues. “Good.” She smiled “I will leave you to your duties.” Celebrian smirked and after offering a polite bow she left the study. Elrond sighed as soon as she crossed the door, his brow falling tiredly to rest on Erestor´s shoulder. Erestor shivered as he felt something ill on his heart. Something like a warning or an advice, he was not able to distinguish. “The twins will be alright.” The Noldor elf assured, pushing his odd feelings away. “We can do this.” He mumbled softly, forcing with a thumb on Elrond’s chin the other to face him. “Promise me you will be by my side.” Elrond looked almost pleadingly at his lover “I can not do it alone.” He shook his head suddenly, feeling scared and overwhelmed by the task ahead. “I will be by your side at all times, and I am sure I will not be the only one.” He smiled as he petted Elrond’s cheek. Opening the door with one hand and carrying the tray in the other, Glorfindel entered the room, closing the door easily behind him with his foot before he moved to leave the tray in the table “I just crossed Celebrian, she is up…” He mumbled, serving the tea as Elrond and Erestor sat around the table. “She had just told Elrond she will leave to Lórien within two weeks.” Erestor acknowledged softly. “Elladan and Elrohir are still too small to travel such a long distance.” The golden haired eldar frowned worriedly, flipping his gaze from the chief advisor to the Lord of Imladris. “They will remain at Imladris.” Elrond smiled as his friend sighed softly, somehow relieved. “Do you know anything about babies?” He asked curiously as they all needed to start gathering information on raising methods and the usual common problems children had whilst growing up; sighing at the eldar´s shake of head, he leaned back into the chair, holding the mug of tea in both his hands as he enjoyed the warm sensation, as he thought of someone to ask such things… * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Late that night Erestor entered to his rooms directly heading to the drawers, in order to pick up the clothes he should wear after his bath, never bothering in lighting a few candles he missed the feminine form sitting by the window. “You are deaf to wise advice, are you?” Shifting in his place, startled, the Noldor elf easily focused his eyes to where the well known voice came, to see Celebrian standing and walking near the fire, allowing the glistening light of the burning wood illuminate her purple dress. “I thought I had been clear with my wishes when I asked you to leave Imladris and its Lord, yet I came to find I had been wrong…” “Is that what you are going to ask of me? To leave my home?” Erestor asked frowning in disbelief. “I thought you had learned your lesson after those four elves abused you to the point of death… and again I have been wrong…” She whispered, pacing slowly around the shadowy room. “Tell me Erestor, what do I need to do for you to realise that my only option left is to make you… disappear…” Smiling devilishly at the raven haired elf she laughed softly at the disbelief she found in the other’s eyes. “Yes… it was me who sent Elrond to see you being raped, and those elves to do it… you did not consider yourself that attractive, did you?” The fair haired lady laughed a little louder as she found herself amused by the other’s quiet and shocked reaction. “Oh, Erestor, you really are naïve.” She mumbled, shaking her head. “It was all so clear and before your nose, it amazed me you did not realize before…” Erestor swallowed hard as the images rushed to his mind in flashes of pain, anguish and fear. Everything finally coming back to him, coming to make sense in his mind…so quickly, he had to close his eyes momentarily to realise where he was standing and with whom he was dealing with. “I do not fear you.” He declared, finally managing to open his eyes to look as coldly as ice itself to the elven Lady. “Not after what you had put me through, death… as you are trying to threaten me with…” He grinned shaking his head, amused. “Would be a gift after what I have gone through.” He went on. “So if that is all you have come tell me, I suggest you to go think up something else, I fear not death, I fear nothing you can do to me, whatever it is it will never be as bad as what I lived these past months. I have lived in pain and mental torture for a year, and you try to scare me with the idea that you might kill me?” He laughed. “Go ahead, sooner or later someone will know. And you will be exiled.” He leaned back to the drawer crossing his arms on his chest, his trained heart easily going back to it’s previous icy state. “You have a very good point… I can not hurt you more, can I?” Celebrian almost pouted at the complaint. “But wait… I still can…” She grinned as she moved to the Noldo elf. “I can and I will, if you ever open your mouth about what really happened… I have four other beings to play with… and we both know you will suffer a thousand more times with a mere little cut in their hands than all you suffered by yourself…” She grinned. “Alright.” She raised both her hands as though determined to make a deal as she noticed the other elf still wearing that ice mask he had been so fond of till before she got the babies. “You will keep my secret about the rape and I … will not make Elrond kill me.” She grinned pleased with the idea. “I can plan a murder as well as I planed your rape, and I as yourself, have nothing to lose with my death… that way Elrond will end up been the expelled one… what will two babies do without a father or mother? They will certainly not be permitted to stay with any of the ones helping plot the slay, would they?” She frowned mockingly. “You will be parted of Elrond for the rest of your life, never see Glorfindel or the twins again and them… Elbereth only knows what might happen to them… after that.” “You are not brave enough as to kill yourself.” Erestor snorted as Celebrian moved to the door. “If that sure you are perhaps you should tell Elrond what really happened this same night.” Glancing back, Celebrian smiled at Erestor before she closed the door behind her, knowing behind that wall Erestor had built around himself, he would never put any of his loved ones in danger. TBC … Chapter: (12/12) Elrond knocked on Erestor´s chamber’s door after midnight, as he had already looked all over the house for the Noldor elf, finding Erestor in none of his favourite spots. Opening the door the Lord of Imladris peered inside trying to see in the shadowy room if he could see his beloved’s form, but it was useless, stepping in he moved to the bathroom, considering it vainly due the fact that Erestor had left him to take a bath three hours ago. Blinking at the image of Erestor embracing his legs to his chest and rocking faintly in the water, Elrond sighed before walking slowly near the tub, his hand gently tugging a braid of hair off his lover’s face as he crouched by the bathtub. The fingers of his right hand tested the water temperature to find it extremely cold. “What time is it?” Erestor asked softly coming back to reality as he smiled back at his beloved whilst stopping the autistic behaviour, his eyes easily focusing in Elrond’s face as they promptly came back to life to sparkle with only pure love. “It is close to midnight.” The half-elf Lord acknowledged quietly, reaching with his left hand for a towel. “I got worried when I did not find you in our room, come out now.” He cocked his head and stood holding out the towel to Erestor, embracing the other completely as soon as he left the freezing water. “I got distracted thinking…” Erestor mumbled as he leaned to Elrond’s arms for an embrace whilst his lover rubbed his back in order to get him warm quickly. “I did not mean to worry you, I am sorry.” “Whatever you were thinking must have been of great importance as for you to not notice the water was as cold as the one of the mountain.” Elrond teased, trying to push his worries away. “I was just thinking of everything that happened.” Erestor lied as best as he could. “Sometimes my mind seems to leave my body somehow and I lose track of time…” Elrond nodded and lead his lover to the bedroom, his hand still holding the towel as a cape over Erestor´s shoulders. “That happens to me too…” He assured soothingly as he noticed his lover appeared to be stressed. “I know…” Erestor smiled tenderly at Elrond. “Get in bed and I will bring you something warm to eat…Some tea then.” The Lord of Imladris offered, worried at the faint shake of the Noldo elf’s head when been offered food. “I do not want to stay here.” Erestor mumbled softly looking around the dark room, his heart aching as he could almost remember the endless lonely nights of hurt. He only came here for his clothes and baths, but that was mostly all he did there. He could not really stand staying in that place for longer periods of time, it felt as if he was in the middle of the desert…lost and all by himself. “Then we can spend this night in my room, *our* room…”Elrond assured, soothing the other’s distress as he placed a kiss to the wet dark locks at the same time as he stroked Erestor´s back tenderly. Nodding after having considered the idea, the Noldor elf moved to the drawer, picking up some light clothes and dressing quickly, still with the towel covering his body. Sighing softly, Elrond walked to the window and stared outside, the valley was dark that night, Ithil had decided not to show, nor grace the lands with it’s dim perfect light. Everything looked sad, and uncared-for under the pale veil of darkness. “I do not like when the moon hides…” He mumbled absent-mindedly, staring outside, almost saying it made him feel sad, but realizing many things did... and compared to Erestor´s problems that could sound almost as a mock, he knew it would not be taken as such, but he still decided to say something lighter, not really wanting to complicate simple things with words anymore. “Neither do I; the valley seems lifeless with out it’s grace…” Smiling at his lover’s mumble he stepped to Elrond’s side to be automatically embraced by caring arms, pulling him to the other’s body. “Can we go now?” He asked softly to Elrond, not daring to look in his beloved´s eyes for fear to be questioned of what frightened him so much of staying in that room, what was that distressed him so much…though the only thing he received as an answer was a soft kiss to his still wet dark locks and a soothing hand stroking the side of his body tenderly, before Elrond led them both out of that room. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * His eyes searched the place for something different, something that would make him notice that all this time had been real, though the only thing he found different was that his clothes were not all over the place as they usually were, the room was extremely tidy… “You can have things in place without me disordering the place.” He smiled gently, glancing back at Elrond. “I rather have it look as if a war had taken place than have it like this only to know you are not staying with me.” Elrond assured, coming to embrace his lover along his waist and nuzzle tenderly the soft skin of Erestor´s neck. “I know it might be soon but I would never stop asking myself if you have said yes, if I do not ask you to came back with me, to sleep here with me every night from now on…” He asked but in a whisper. “I… don´t think I am ready for…” Erestor mumbled softly shaking his head before a soothing kiss was placed on his lips. “No pressure, I just ask the right to hold you in my arms when you sleep” The Lord of Imladris pleaded at his lover. “Nothing more. When you are ready we will be together again in that way, but now I just need you close to me and to know you are mine…” “I always was.” Assured the elven advisor sadly, and unable to keep a hurt pout from his lips as the other still doubted that fact. “I might have slept with many others, but none meant anything to me.” He mumbled, distressed. “I only needed to *feel* something, anything to know I was not dead, because that is how it felt… I felt numb and alone… them whoever they were made me feel alive, mostly with hurtful and unpleasant touches… yet they helped me know I could still feel. Even if it was only pain.” Gasping softly, the elven Lord cradled his shaking lover in his arms, even though Erestor was not aware of the faint tremors running over his body. “I promise you…” He whispered, “I will never fail you again like this… ever.” He assured, rocking his lover in his arms soothingly. “I do not want you to promise me that, Elrond.” Erestor shook his head, smiling sadly. “You do not know if you will be able to keep your promise and honestly, I do not know if I can believe it now.” He acknowledged but in a soft whisper, smiling forlornly and shaking his head dimly. “The only thing I ask of you, is for you to love me as I can still feel you do, nothing more.” Stroking his lover’s face tenderly and soothingly, Elrond merely nodded, “Alright, I won’t.” He murmured soothingly, nodding slowly. “Come, let us go to bed Meleth Nîn” He asked in a whisper, leading Erestor to their bed and opening the covers for him to slide inside. “I will go change and be right back.” He assured, pressing a tender kiss to Erestor´s brow, before moving to the dresser to get his sleeping pants and to the bathroom to change; not wanting to upset his lover in any way, nor wanting Erestor to fell any kind of pressure. Even though he could not promise it aloud he decided to promise it to himself. He would never, ever again be so blind as not to notice Erestor´s pain again. Snuggling to his old pillow, Erestor embraced it as he looked outside the window, as he so many times had done whilst embraced in Elrond’s caring arms while his lover still slept, his mind only concentrating in the sound of the water falling outside the room, the soothing distinctive sound of the valley… the same one that allowed him to lose himself from his troubling thoughts sometimes. Shifting slowly in the bed with the soft noise of feathery like steps, he smiled at Elrond as the elven Lord left his morning respectable garments on a nearby chair, almost uncaringly for the routine Erestor remembered him laying the clothes perfectly and neatly folded, as not to get any unnecessary wrinkle over the night. Lifting the coverlets as his beloved had done for him minutes ago; Erestor welcomed Elrond by his side. His body moved closer to the elven Lord’s as the other pulled the covers up, to wrap one arm full of tenderness and love over the strong, breathing chest. Embracing his beloved, Elrond sighed softly as he tugged the other’s body even closer as he snuggled comfortably in the bed. “Try to sleep A´maelarain.” Elrond asked in a whisper to the black hair resting on his chest. Nodding slowly, Erestor allowed his eyes glaze somewhere on the wall as he entered his dreamland… just as if the peaceful voice had been the order he needed to find peace, at least for that day. Kissing Erestor´s hair tenderly, Elrond stared outside the window, his eyes easily focusing in the falling water, his hearing also concentrated on them though his entire body felt Erestor´s uneasy breathing brushing his bare chest. Closing his eyes he prayed to Elbereth for the strength to help his lover out of his nightmare world and for the strength to keep his promise… * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ~ Two weeks later ~ Erestor sighed, relieved as he saw the company of elves leaving Imladris, and with the silver haired Lady…somehow he felt himself able to breathe and able to see the beauties Arda was offering again. Sighing quietly, he opened his arms to the sky and the soft breeze of the valley, letting the hot sun warm his body as if helping it clean for all despair which had been amassing for a year. Elrond smiled and moved behind is beloved, slowly encircling his waist for a tender embrace. “You look happy.” He whispered to Erestor´s ear softly. “I think I am…” He whispered back, holding the arms resting on his stomach. “I think I am.” he smiled, relived at finally having solved the puzzle. Even though he had lost many things in this war, his heart was now somehow at ease, he had found the truth. The End … Note: I have decided to make a PWP with Elrond & Erestor´s first time after all this burden due the cause that if I added it here, I would have to jump like a year or so to make it believable…and it in my opinion did not feet the story. So this is not really the end as it will continue in the PWP and then in Falling into Temptation … :)