Title:   Frodo Unspoken
Author:   Amanda    (ladymelian2000@aol.com)
Pairing:   Frodo/Sam
Rating:   R (for mature themes)
Contents:   Angst
Feedback:   Much appreciated.
Notes:   These *might* have been the thoughts of
Frodo after he told Sam that he and Rose could
live with him at Bag End after their marriage.
Companion to "Sam Unspoken".
Disclaimer:   The characters and locations
portrayed in this fiction are the creation of
J.R.R. Tolkien and belong to his estate.  I make
no money from this.





It is late afternoon at Bag End and I am sitting
at my desk in the study.  My eyes are focussed,
but unseeing, upon an unidentified object in the
middle distance.  The Red Book lies in front of
me but I am too weary to continue with my task.
My hand aches with the labour of trying to hold
my pen.  The loss of my finger is never greater
than when I am writing.

I try to calm myself and rid myself of the sick,
untidy thoughts and feelings which are reeling
through my head at dizzying speed.

Yesterday.

It had happened yesterday.  A day when what
little life I have left in me was shattered
forever.

Sam is getting married.  Sam.  My Sam.  My Sam is
getting married.

*My* Sam.  What right do I have to call him
that?  He was never *my* Sam; it just pleased me
to think of him that way.  Soon he'll be someone
else's Sam.  He'll be Rose's Sam.  Rose's husband.

Pain.

I have never known pain like it.  I would rather
face all of the pain I suffered on my journey
again than suffer the pain which grows in my
heart.  This is the sort of pain which cannot be
healed by herbs or plants or the hands of a
healer.  Even the skilled hands of King Elessar
would be of no use to me now.  I hurt.  Every
fibre of my being throbs with the knowledge that
the only person I've ever loved will soon be torn
away from me forever.

Love.

What do I know of love?  Who has ever truly loved
me?  Bilbo was fond of me, yes, but I can't see
that he ever really loved me.  He went off and
left me without even saying goodbye.  How long
ago that all seems now.  How different would my
life have been if my parents had lived?  Would I
have lived at Brandybuck Hall and never met Sam?
I wouldn't have been adopted by Bilbo and I would
never have become the Ringbearer.

I've got beyond the stage of asking "why me?"  I
no longer question the role I was called upon to
play in my life.  It happened so I have to accept
it.  The Ring was destroyed.  Our land was
saved.  Joy all round for everyone except me.  No-
one to come home to, no-one to welcome me back,
no-one to take me in their arms and tell me
they're glad to see me again.

Sam.

I saw him again this morning.  Briefly.  He's
busy now, of course, has a job of work to do.  I
sit and stare when I'm not writing but my
thoughts always drift back to the same thing.
Sam.  Always, always Sam.

I love him.  I fully admit that I love him.  I
don't know when I started to love him but I do
know that there is no point in me trying to deny
my feelings any more.  Deny them to whom?  Who is
there to care?  Except Sam himself but he's
busy.  He has things to do.  I can't interfere.

I don't want to live here with him and his wife.
I dread the day when he brings her home here.
She will be happy, smiling, blushing, safe in the
arms of Sam.  My Sam.  My Sam.  Yes, he will
still be my Sam until he marries.  But then?  I
shudder.  I cannot bear it, it will tear me apart.

But I must be brave, I must be strong.  Strong
like I was yesterday when Sam told me Rose was
expecting to marry him.  Strong like I was when I
told him he could bring her back here to live.
Somehow I have to continue to be brave although
it will take every ounce of my strength, what
little strength I have left.

My health is failing fast.  In a way that is a
comfort, it makes Sam's marriage easier to bear.
How could I possibly let him devote his life to
an ageing cripple like me?  Cripple, yes, that is
what I am, that is what I have become for I no
longer feel like a complete person.  So much has
been taken from me.

And now Sam is going.

I have to find a way to make it easy for him.  I
want him to have a home and when I've gone it
will make it easier if he is already living
here.  That is the very least he deserves, he has
given me so much.  I cannot live without him yet
I know that I must.  So near yet so far.

He did not see the tear in my eye as I turned
away from him yesterday.  Sam, dear Sam, how it
tore my heart out to see him standing there, so
much concern in his eyes, concern for me.  So
much devotion, so much love.  Love.  Yes, I saw
it there, I saw it in his eyes.  It is not the
first time I have seen love in his eyes.  He
cares for me, cares for me like no-one has ever
done.  He gives me strength but this time my
strength is fading.

I could so easily have given in to my feelings.
How easy it would have been to falter, to let him
put his arms around me, to hold me like I've
never been held before.  How beautiful it would
have been.  To feel Sam pull me into his arms and
wrap them around me, to hear him whisper sweet
words in my ear and to stroke my hair.  So much
pain, so much yearning for what I can never
have.  Evil, evil pain, oh how I wish I could cut
out my heart and tear this pain far, far away
from me.

It hurts me more than I ever thought possible.
The pain is always there, it never really goes.
And it gets worse as time goes on.  Sam is
everywhere, he's all around me, he's inside me,
he lives in my heart.  I love him more than any
words created can ever say.  He is life, he is
love, he is my very will to survive.

And survive I must for a while longer.  I must
put my affairs in order.  I must finish my
writing.  And I must make sure Sam has everything
because I want him to be happy.  He has given me
the gift of realising that I am capable of love
because without him I would never have known
that.  I have never loved anyone else because I
couldn't.  I couldn't do the sort of things I
dreamed of doing with Sam with anyone else, it
would be horrible.  No-one can touch me except
Sam and Sam is promised to another.

He will go to his marriage bed and Rose will lay
in his arms.  I wonder how it would feel to lay
in his arms.  But of course, I have some idea.
We slept together all the time on our journey.
Not in the way that I would like, of course, but
at least we were close.  Near and far all at the
same time.  He was always concerned for me,
dearest Sam, how would I have managed without you?

Even in the filth and stench of that wretched
black tower there was a moment's beauty for me
because of Sam.  That morning when I woke up with
my head in his lap was for me the most beautiful
moment of my life.  Just for that brief moment I
forgot where I was, forgot I was in the land of
shadow and forgot that I had a task to fulfil.
Oh, Sam, I was in your arms then, laying in your
arms and I opened my eyes to the sight of you
looking at me and you had love in your eyes.
Protective love, cherishing love, love like you
wanted to hold me there forever.  It was
beautiful, so beautiful to feel your hand on my
forehead, like you'd been gently stroking my hair
before you woke me up.  Gollum was there but it
didn't matter because you were there and I loved
you.  I loved you and you loved me and for that
precious moment that was all that mattered.  I
loved it; it was a flicker of that could have
been, what might have been.

But now it can never be.  You must get married,
dearest Sam, even though it will tear me apart.
You must have your wife and then your children,
for they will surely come.  And I will have the
knowledge that I spared you the misery of
watching me shrivel up and die.  That will have
to be my comfort.  Somehow I have to find the
strength to believe that that is all I need.

Sam's happiness comes first, he must always come
first now, of that I am sure.  I no longer
matter, I have served my purpose.  I am all but
spent and my time in this world is limited.

Oh, Sam, I try to be strong but I know that this
will not be the end of my dreams.  I will still
think of you, I will think of us.  I will think
of us being together and sharing a life as I
once, long ago and far away, dreamed.  Walking in
the sun together, laying on the soft grass
together.  We are as one, Sam dearest, whoever
you marry.  She cannot love you like I do, it
would be impossible.  You know it and I know it.
We both know it yet we do not speak of it.

Being in the same room as you hurts me now.  It
hurts so much, so much, being so near yet so far
from you.  The invisible barrier which separates
us and keeps us from each other, the barrier of
words, of unspoken truths.  I hurt when I see you
standing there, so full of vigour and strength,
so much to live for.  How can I bear it?  Your
arms are so strong, your hair is so thick and
your eyes ..... your eyes are the thing I love
best about you because they speak of your love
for me.  The love I have yearned for and dreamed
of.

Dreams.

Dreams are all I have left now and even they will
amount to nothing.  I have fulfilled my destiny
but you, Sam, have yet to fulfil yours.  You will
never hold me in the way I dream of being held or
touch me in the way I would love to be touched.

Touch.

I know you looked after me in Rivendell.  You
undressed me and bathed me.  You have never
spoken of this yet I know it was you, I know you
would never have allowed anyone else to touch
me.  I tremble.  I feel weak and faint.  I
imagine your strong, strong hands touching me all
over, bathing me gently and carefully, never
hurting me.  So gentle, so much tenderness all
for me.  These thoughts always cause my body to
stir.  But it is the irony which cripples me the
most; the knowledge that I was there, naked
beneath your hands, yet lacking the consciousness
to appreciate or enjoy the experience.  Sometimes
I weaken and close my eyes and allow my
imagination to take me to places where I should
not allow it to venture.

I do not believe I can think any more at
present.  I am weary with thought and with toil
but most of all I am wearied by the knowledge
that what I most yearn for will never be mine, at
least not in this life.

Not in this life.



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