Title:  Reflections
Author: ripleynikki
Email: hisstah@aol.com
Pairing:  Frodo/Sam
Summary:  Frodo reflects on the turns his life has taken after the quest.
Disclaimer:  I make no money from this, Tolkien owns these characters.

He looked into the water and saw reflections. They didn't alarm him. 
Maybe they should have but it didn't seem to matter anymore. Instead of 
seeing the reflection of the graceful willow swaying across the pond in the 
warm summer breeze, he saw a broken, blackened stump. Instead of the 
reflection of a clear sky, there were roiling black and red clouds. Instead 
of the bright yellow sun, he saw a great Eye, lidless, wreathed in flame. 
And, of course, the Ring was always there.

Closing his eyes before he saw his own reflection, Frodo rubbed his face 
with his hand and turned away from the water. He had become quite 
familiar with the wretched, shrunken, empty creature reflected in his 
mirror lately. He's stopped looking into mirrors on purpose when the 
images from his nightmares began to invade his waking hours. There was 
a time when he had still cared about such things and had asked Sam if his 
physical appearance had changed much. Sam had told him he looked 
much the same as always, if a bit more frail. But it didn't really matter 
anymore.

He looked over to the happy family setting up a picnic lunch by the side of 
the small pond. Rosie was unpacking the large basket and Sam was 
smiling and rocking Elanor. At Sam's insistence, Frodo had seated himself 
on a small wooden bench by the pond in the cool shade of a large tree. He 
watched Elanor coo and giggle as her father lifted her up into the air and 
then swooped her down quickly, supporting her head and neck so 
carefully. Sam was standing near enough to the water to cast reflections, 
but Frodo wouldn't look, not wanting to see what might be there. 

Sam glanced over to Frodo to see if he was watching and smiled at him. 
Frodo remembered the proper responses and made his facial muscles 
move. The smile had never reached his eyes, but Sam was too far away to 
notice. Sam set Elanor face up on the blanket near her mother, where she 
immediately rolled over and got up on her hands and knees. She couldn't 
crawl yet, but she had just learned how to rock back and forth a bit. 

Frodo felt nothing as he watched the lovely scene. It was odd. He 
remembered that once he would have felt something wonderful. But now 
there was nothing. No joy. No love. He could still feel physical pain, he 
reminded himself. He felt that every waking moment. He looked over at 
Rosie and felt a stab of irrational anger. He could still feel that, too. *How 
dare she tell Sam he had "wasted" a year - he had nearly died saving all of 
Middle Earth! Frodo restrained the anger quickly. He could still do that for 
now, too. But he didn't know for how much longer. It flared up faster and 
was more difficult to control each time. 

After a few moments, Sam came over to stand beside the bench. Frodo 
looked up and squinted into the brightness that was Sam. He seemed to 
shine with health and immeasurable happiness. Love seemed to radiate 
from him like a physical force. Frodo could feel it flow around himself, 
sliding off, never touching him, never reaching him. Sam sensed this and 
reached out to stroke Frodo's cheek, looking sad and concerned. Frodo 
closed his eyes and leaned into the caress, actually able to remember how 
the touch used to make him feel. The wonder, the awe, the shivery feeling 
that would suffuse his entire body and make him weak in the knees. But 
he felt nothing now. 

Somewhere, deep inside, something grieved, wailing in anguish at the 
enormity of that loss of feeling. Again, Frodo was surprised that he could 
actually feel something echoing around within the empty, shrunken place 
that was himself. But it never reached the surface. Did it really matter?

"Are you feeling all right, Frodo?" Sam's voice was full of love and 
concern. Frodo opened his eyes and forced a smile onto his face. "I'm fine, 
Sam. Really. Go back to them. I'll come over when lunch is ready." Sam 
gazed dubiously into his face, then bent over to kiss him tenderly on the 
forehead. Resting his cheek on top of Frodo's head for a moment, Sam 
whispered to him, "I love you, you know." Frodo's smile collapsed as he 
said simply, "I do know. Thank you." Sam straightened up, looking 
troubled, but nodded and walked back to his family. 

Frodo wanted to feel happiness for him. Wanted to be a part of Sam's life, 
but memories were difficult to access now. It was getting worse. Soon 
there would be a time when it would be impossible to remember. Gandalf 
had said this would happen. 

The lack of feeling at first was a blessing on the Field of Cormallen. But 
later, when the numbness didn't abate, and when he still cared, Frodo had 
gone to Gandalf to find out why this was happening to him. Gandalf 
explained how unrelieved, constant exposure to fear, pain and suffering 
could burn away the capacity to feel or care. It was something that was 
common in wartime and affected all races. With proper care, some would 
get better, some would not. 

As Gandalf spoke to him, Frodo had thought back to Minas Tirith and the 
Houses of Healing where he had volunteered to help with the wounded 
after his physical hurts had healed. Over and over, he had heard hardened 
veterans of Gondor screaming that it didn't matter as their shattered limbs 
were removed to save their lives. He would see warriors of Rohan staring 
into the far distance with a strange look as they sat or lay unmoving in 
their beds, seemingly unhurt. It was explained to him that these brave 
warriors and soldiers had looked upon so much horror that their minds and 
souls were hollowed out and drained. The look on the faces of these men 
was familiar to Frodo, but he couldn't remember where else he'd seen it 
until he had looked into Merry and Pippin's eyes that evening, and then his 
own mirror. *And what about Sam's pain?* he would wonder then. But he 
was so terribly afraid to even consider it, and his mind would skitter away 
in denial. Sam *had* to be whole. Frodo couldn't live otherwise.

Gandalf had then explained to him again the effects of the One Ring. 
Frodo had known this before but had not fully understood. That there 
would never be true healing and that it would only get worse, as long as he 
stayed in Middle Earth. He had raged at Gandalf then and wept for what 
seemed like hours. Feeling cheated and infuriated at the unfairness of this 
turn of events, he'd horrified himself by cursing Gandalf and Bilbo and 
had even asked why Sam wasn't affected similarly. He'd carried the Ring, 
as well, hadn't he? Why was he whole, while Frodo was scarred and 
empty? It was so unfair! Gandalf had tried to explain that Sam had not had 
to carry it as far and that he had come from a loving family and wasn't an 
abandoned, neglected orphan, but Frodo had ceased to listen at that point. 
Gandalf had given up explaining and simply held him, rocked him like a 
baby as he'd cried for the loss of what he had had and could never have 
again. 

Frodo never told Sam about his visit with Gandalf. Sam had so desperately 
wanted things to be the same again. Frodo could not bring himself to try to 
explain to his dear friend and love how he was being progressively 
consumed from within by a desire for something that no longer existed 
and never would. That, due to the suffering caused by their experiences 
and the pain of his wounds, he had lost his ability to feel or care about 
anything that was important in his life. How could one explain something 
like that? 

The anger returned with an intensity that frightened him. He was mildly 
surprised at his fear - he had thought himself beyond fear. No, the fear was 
for Sam and his beautiful family. Frodo feared what he was becoming and 
did not want to inflict that on them. He had wanted so much that he could 
now never have. But that didn't matter anymore. Sam could have what he 
could not. Before it was too late and he had nothing left to offer. Frodo 
decided that this truly did matter. It mattered so very much. 

The realization of his decision shocked him. Frodo blinked and felt a tear 
track down his cheek as he looked up at Sam and Rosie waving to him to 
join them. He smiled a genuine smile, stood up and looked into the water. 
For the first time in many months, saw himself reflected truly as he heard 
the call of the Sea.