Title: Sorrow Author: Carolina (carolina30363@fastwebnet.it) Category: Slash Pairing: F/S minor M/P Rating: R/Nc17 Warning: Angst Credits: Thanks Flora and Shoe Summary: A hug, a fight, a new painful beginning. Sam... A nightmare. It can't be anything more than a nightmare," thought Frodo Baggins, waking up completely bathed in sweat. The sheets were tangled around is feet, and his nightshirt stuck to his body as another skin. Sam.. He had tried to sleep for hours, tossing and turning in his blankets damp with sweat and tears, but failed. His every effort had been in vain. Sam... He had ended up staring at the ceiling of his bedroom, even as a dull grief had burned deep in his throat and suffocating his chest, preventing him from breathing and even from thinking. Oh, Sam... "It can't be true," he murmured turning to the left side of his wide bed that was, for the first time after three wonderful amazing years, now empty. But he had to accept that Sam, his Samwise, his lover, his friend, his mate, brother had gone away. Sam had left him. Frodo was truly alone, once again. A tear..another.. one more... A sob... a moan... alone, without his Sam. With a swollen face, by tears, Frodo slowly got up and tried to take a step but he fell on his knees, the pain in his chest was unbearable, he couldn't breath... he couldn't...he just choked. He started to cough convulsively... he had never felt that way in his entire life.. He had never been so powerless with grief, so defeated, so helpless, and so empty, without a reason to continue. Sam had gone away. How could it be happening? What did he do to make the hobbit who, the previous night, held tight against Frodo's body, had murmured words about love and desire, leave everything without looking back? What spell had torn him from Frodo's arms? The only hobbit the Master of Bag End had ever loved, his light, his strength, his own life? Frodo heard the door opening slowly; "Sam?" asked choking his cries, but there was no answer just only two powerful arms around his shoulders. Held tight against a warm body that wasn't the one he was longing for with all his heart. Frodo whispered: "Merry, dear Merry why are you still here? You should be on the road to Tookland with Pippin." The young Brandybuck, stroking his cousin's curls glossy with the sweat of a night without resting, answered; "I couldn't leave you that way, I just couldn't" Frodo hugged tight his beloved cousin and asked: "Pippin?" "He is in the guestroom. He is sleeping, I tried to persuade him to go back home but he told me he wanted to stay where he was needed". Frodo almost smiled but, the memory caught him like a sudden raging storm: "I can't live without him." "I know Frodo, I know." "What am I supposed to do, I don't know anything anymore, I'm nothing without him Merry...what do I do now?" Merry sighed heavily and, shifting a little to look into Frodo's wide blue eyes said:" You have to try...you have to try to live." Frodo's desperate sobbing tore at his heart.. *** He had been running all night, without stopping, without looking back, even to catch his breath. He had been running away like a thief, and a coward. He left everything, the country, Bag end, his job and...Mr. Frodo. Frodo...Frodo...he couldn't even murmur his name, without bursting in tears. He just needed to close his eyes for an instant and he could see him smiling softly with those big, half-closed blue eyes of his, he could hear him sigh, and above all, he could feel his hands on his body, upon his heart. Frodo had become part of him, of his blood, his breathing, Frodo, with all his insecurities, his carelessness, his solitude... Frodo who, after their first kiss, had smiled like he never had before and who, after their first endless, sweet, passionate, consuming first time had murmured "I'm home...I'm home at last." Frodo betrayed him. He had betrayed him in the cruellest of ways, with his cousin Merry, a gentlehobbit, well educated, with hands so delicate the way Sam, a plain gardener, would never have. With Merry...he saw them, with his own eyes blinded with tears, clutching in a languid embrace under the moonlight. Time had stopped that very moment, his thoughts confused and his heart had fallen into darkness. He hadn't been able to face Frodo, he hadn't been able to bear his words or maybe his shy apologies: "I'm sorry Sam, I made a mistake..." Was this all that their love meant for Frodo? A mistake? A pitiful, stupid, unrepairable mistake? A mistake? The three happiest years of his life? Those which had been endless months of love, passion, complicity to the young Gamgee, what had it meant for the master of Big End? A break, a plain amusement, anything at all? Samwise stopped to catch his breath and shook his head. It couldn't just end this way...no...and he was a Gamgee...A Gamgee would never run off from his troubles, no matter how much they could seem insurmountable, a Gamgee faces them with the strength of his work, with the sweat of his brow, with the iron will of one who would fight to the death for what he believed. Frodo was all he had ever wanted. He must go back. He started to run again....... in the opposite direction. *** Sam... Pippin was eating, almost without chewing, his third portions of biscuits and Merry was gazing, worried, at Frodo. Frodo who had not eaten since the previous evening, since before Sam had left, Not a bite since Sam had gone away. He almost had to force water down his throat. Sam... The kitchen was empty to Frodo's heart, even if his cousins were there, it was silent. Silent in spite of the unceasingly chatting of the young Took. It was empty and silent because Sam wasn't there. Sam was not cooking, was not laughing with him and wasn't smiling for him. Sam wasn't there, not anymore. How could Frodo even try to bring the cup to his lips, when all his strength was focused on the effort not to cry, not to show his sorrow, not to worry Merry even more? "Frodo why don't you try this biscuits? They are very sweet, they taste all buttery and..." said Pippin. Enough!...Frodo suddenly stood up. He could not just sit there any longer, this endless chatter was more than he could bare and he ran to his bedroom. "Don't' cry...not yet...not again..." he said to himself as he bolted for his bed chamber. With the door locked at his back, Frodo let his tear fall, without control, down his cheeks soaking his shirt, as he stared into the barren room. The joy that was once their love was now meaningless, As empty as this room, cold and gloomy as the day had been.. How could things have gone this far? Where was his Sam? In the kitchen Merry couldn't help to look, with plain disapproval, at the Thain heir: "Pippin didn't you realize that..." Pippin, suddenly, turn around, his green eyes had a sparkle that Merry had not seen before then. "Yes I did realize it, I was trying to help him. I was trying to get him to think about something else. I'm not a child anymore Merry, I wish someone would understand that, and I'd like you to understand that, above all." Merry took a deep breath, he wasn't facing the usual careless and childish Pippin. The one he stood before him now, was a grown and worried hobbit.. His posture, his attitude, everything about him seemed different somehow. "And Merry it's you who seems not to realize it." Added the cinnamon-haired hobbit. "Couldn't you two have been more discrete? Was your passion so uncontrollable? Really, you could have at least gone inside!" "What?" asked Merry sincerely confused and vaguely irritated by the ravings of his cousin who just a few minutes before had seemed, finally, an adult. "What are you talking about?" he asked again, standing up to better face the Took. Pippin looked into Merry eyes, without smiling, and spoke lightly, "You and Frodo...yesterday, embracing, under the moonlight...I saw you...and Sam saw you too!" Merry opened and shut his month many times trying to articulate an answer but Frodo was quicker. Frodo who, in the meanwhile, had come back to the kitchen in order not to worry his cousins even more. Frodo seemed to be calm, but his eyes were wide and he was breathing hard. He kept his arm along his sides and clutching his fists so fiercely that his knuckles had whitened. "What? What do you believe you saw?" he asked approaching slowly, Pippin faced his elder cousins look without being frightened; "I saw you with the hobbit I'm in love with, and so did Sam!" The look in Frodo's eyes as this knowledge was revealed to him, brought even more rage in Frodo's body. New understanding seeped through him as he looked to Merry then back to Pip. That is why Sam was gone. That is what this was all about. Pippin could feel Frodo's anger from across the room. He lowered his gaze, bolting like a frightened colt, he ran to the door, opened it and tried to leave. But something blocked his escape. ...Sam. *** "I saw you and the hobbit I'm in love with...together..." Pippin's words echoed in Merry's mind, again and again, how could Pippin say a thing like that? How? Pippin wasn't in love with Merry. Pippin couldn't be, could he? Merry, after seeing the fight between Frodo and the young Took, was petrified, astonished. He had seen Pippin's fear. Watched as he hopeless ran to the door, Frodo's anger and ...Sam. Sam, with the clothes soaked in mud, hard breath and red and swollen eyes. Sam... Only then, looking at Sam still at Bag End's threshold with a hurt but also aggressive look, could Merry understand what the young gardener must have felt seeing Frodo in someone else's arms. He had been so stupid, during the previous evening. Now he could understand his huge mistake. He wasn't in love with Frodo and he never had been. It had been an infatuation, admiration for the elder and wiser cousin who had taught him how to fish, how to climb trees and how to run away in Brandy Hall, nothing more. Now in that one moment, he understood, he finally understood. In that evening he had waited for Frodo to be alone and, with a trembling voice, Merry had declared to Frodo what he had guessed to be his feelings. He had talked to Frodo about love, desire and solitude, hoping, believing, in his arrogance, that Frodo had loved him back. But Frodo had smiled sweetly saying the words that had made Merry burst in tears: "Dear Merry you are not in love with me, and when you find out what true love is, you will know I'm right." Frodo had held Merry tight and had let him cry. Merry had a broken heart and he thought that the pain he had been feeling in his chest had been unbearable... he had been wrong again. He understood it now. He could understand looking in Sam's eyes and seeing real pain. Seeing fear but also the will to know and to fight for his love. He could understand all that now seeing Frodo shaking and gazing at Sam without managing to speak. Above all, he could understand now from looking at Pippin's tears. Merry truly could understand, because now he felt like someone was tearing his heart from his chest. Pippin was hurting because of Merry, the Took really was in love with him. In that very moment Merry understood, Frodo had been right. Now he knew what love was. It was Pippin. *** Pippin looked at Sam, then at Frodo and, finally, at Merry. He could feel the tension in the air. His instincts were telling him to move Sam aside and run into the night. To find a place to hide, where he would be unable to hear anything, where he could be alone once again. To run away...to escape without looking back. His usual reaction when facing a problem. The reaction of a child. But Pippin was not a child anymore, and he wanted Merry to finally understand that.. He wanted Merry to stop looking at him with sweet condescending smiles and tepid affection; Pippin wanted the hot-blooded looks his elder cousin had always reserved for Frodo. He wanted to feel loved and wanted by Merry the same way Pippin desired him. With his heart, mind, breath and with his entire body. He was a grown-up hobbit and an adult doesn't run away, he never does. Slowly he turned around and went to sit back down again. Every single step Pippin took to the chair, was a small victory for proving he really had changed. The hardest struggle the young Took still had to do, was to persuade himself to gaze at Merry's face. What was Merry thinking about his declaration? Did he understand that Pip really was in love with him? Could he try to forget Frodo? Could he love Pippin back, one day? Or had he considered his heartfelt words as barely more than the stupid whims of spoiled little child? Or worse...was his love worth anything to Merry? Or...or was he utterly indifferent to him? It was one of the most difficult things Pippin had ever done in his whole life, but he took a deep breath then raised his face, finding all the answers he was looking for in Merry's face (in just a flick of an eye). "Frodo," Sam's voice caught Pippin completely off-guard. "Sam," the Master of Bag End managed to answer. The two hobbits were staring at each others intensely but none of them seemed to have the slightest intention to approach the other. "I think it was all my fault," murmured Merry "No Merry, it was not," answered Frodo smiling to his paled cousin...Sam suddenly felt like he was dying.. it was true then...Frodo and Merry...together...holding each other ...coming back had been for nothing...There was no place for him at Bag End, not anymore ...Sam was truly alone. He closed his eyes and turned around slowly. "Sam are you sure you want to run away again? Don't you want to know what happened?" asked Frodo, smiling again but with no joy. "I think I've heard and seen enough Frodo." Frodo sat boldly and whispered, "We don't have anything to talk about, then...not anymore." "I agree." answered Sam, closing the door behind him. When he finally was at his Gaffer's door he let his tears fall. Pippin couldn't believe it. What happened? If Merry was in love with him as he had read in his cousin's eyes, the embrace between Merry and Frodo couldn't have been part of a lover's encounter and if it hadn't been so, why did Frodo interrupt Merry? Why didn't he let him explain and, above all, why hadn't Frodo told Sam the truth, just letting him go away? Why? But it was Merry who spoke first. " Why?" asked the young Brandybuck to his motionless elder cousin. "He...He did not trust me..." *** "Frodo, You must follow him, you have to explain to him what happened, talk to him! You can't let him go this way!" "No, Pip, Sam saw me with Merry and ran away; he thought I was cheating on him. How could he do that? Even for an instant, how could he doubt of my love?" "Oh, curse you Frodo, are you really that stupid? How could he do it?" answered Pippin, raising his voice without even minding about Merry, who was staring at him open-mouthed. "I can explain it to you using just one word: jealousy." "Pippin, you don't know what you are talking about." said Frodo with the condescending tone he always reserved to his much younger cousin. "Frodo!!!" Pippin's despairing scream echoed through Bag End's walls. Merry tried to get close to the young Took to hold him, to comfort him or to just touch Pippin who was now trembling, shocked and pale as never before. It was in that very moment Pip began to speak; he spoke with a quiet voice and slow, measured words, but full of such a passion that they were making Merry's legs shake. "Looking at the hobbit you are in love with in someone else's arms is like feeling your heart breaking slowly. It is a white pain, a piercing pain, continuous. You can't breathe, you can't talk, you can't even think. You feel alone, lost... and very hopeless. Sam ran away, that's true, but he came back too. He wanted to talk, to explain, to know, but you rejected him, you let him go!" "I asked him to..." Frodo tried to say. "No, you must go after him! Please... or you will regret it for the rest of your life!" answered Pip, whose voice was still firm but whose face was now damp with tears. "Sam needs you and you need him!" "I know I need him, Pip, more than anything. I'm dying to see him, to hold him, but...he didn't trust me, after three years he thought I would cheat on him, and betray our love. He didn't ask me, ...he just ran." "But Frodo...Frodo you love him and he is in love with you!" Pip blurted out in frustration. Frodo was trembling. "You are right Pip, we do love each other, but I can't...I just can't forget what he did. We can't start again without trust...." "You were miserable when you did not know where Sam had gone and now...now you want...you, you just...let him walk away?" "It has nothing to do with want!" screamed Frodo, standing up abruptly. "I don't want...but how can I be with someone who doesn't trust me?" His voice now low and shaky. His eyes were desperately holding back the tears. Pippin did not know what to say, but when he saw Frodo putting on his coat and opening the door, he tried for the last time, "Frodo please, you love him!" Frodo turned around and smiled, a very sad smile, "You will learn, dear Pip, that sometimes love is not enough." Merry tried to stop Frodo. "Please Frodo, don't let me worry, where are you going?" "I need to walk, Merry, I need to think. Take care of Pippin, he needs you," he said, with deep resignation in his voice as he kissed Merry on the forehead Merry answered: "I will, cousin, but please think about what you are doing." Frodo looked deep into his eyes, and gave him them smallest hint of a lost smile. Then, without a single word, Frodo went out into the cold dark night. The Took's heart was beating fast. He had followed his instincts once again, but he regretted nothing. He had failed, but he had tried with all his strength. He hoped that Frodo would change his mind, that Sam would come back. He just hoped that they could find happiness again. Now he just wanted to give himself up to Merry's arms. He wanted to smell the scent of his skin and lose himself in his gray eyes but, before that, he had to know. "Merry.." he murmured as he turned to looking at him, "May I ask you about that embrace?" The Brandybuck stepped close to his cousin and cursed himself again; how could he be so stupid to think he was in love with Frodo, when just being beside Pip..Just the simple idea of touching and kissing him was making him so happy. "A mistake, a stupid mistake, I thought, but now...I know...you are..." Pippin laid a finger on Merry's lips. "I understand." The kiss they shared was much more persuasive than any declaration could ever be. Sam had refused to tell his father why he needed a place to sleep. He just wanted to have a place for grieving: for crying all the tears that were burning in his heart. A place to think about his love, a place in which he could try to begin to forget him...but he knew a place like that did not exist. So he curled up in his old bed and pulled the covers tightly around him. He clutched the pillow and wept into the darkness that filled his very soul. Frodo walked on through the darkness. He had no real notion where his was going. It did not matter. He hugged himself in the vain attempt not to freeze. His watery eyes and tear streaks along his cheeks were not helping matters either. He was cold and not just from the night air, but from the thoughts racing round his head. His heart was empty. Without realizing it, Frodo found himself in front of Number Three, Bagshot Row. He smiled: his legs did not seem to understand... Sam was not his anymore. Then Frodo heard something...a muffled sound...a strange sound...someone was crying, he could hear distinctly the sobs and the small screams of a deep pain.. He walked noiselessly closer to the place he heard the sound coming from: a window.... Sam's window... Sam was crying and he sounded hopeless...he was murmuring something...a name...his name... Frodo... Frodo's heart sank and he fell on his knees. "Oh Sam...." *** He had to stop crying, he had to be strong, he had to face the truth; Frodo did not love him anymore, he had chosen Mr. Merry. Sam was still curled in his old bed and was still crying, even if the heartbreaking sobs were finally quieter. He knew he had to talk to his old Gaffer, he knew he had to explain what happened but it was too painful and he was not able to find the strength to get up and start to live again, to live without his Frodo. Frodo who had been his life, his soul and his sun for the last three years, Frodo who had worked with him in the garden, who had shared his food in the kitchen, who had given him his body, his trust, his friendship and his love. Sam was still trying to breathe, when he heard a light knock on the window. Startled, he got up and approached the window... Frodo. Sam's heart was beating so fast it hurt in his chest, Frodo was there, and Frodo had come. Frodo! In that very moment he just wanted to hug him, to feel Frodo's body against his own, to smell his scent, to stroke his hair, but he just said: 'What are you doing here?". Sam's voice was cold and firm. Frodo had waited for a long time near Sam's window, he had heard his sobs, and his cries and he had understood his sorrow. He finally understood what Sam had felt seeing Frodo in Merry's arms, he had understood. "Sam" Frodo managed to say even if tears closed his throat, "Sam" he repeated with a small voice. Frodo was crying, Frodo was in pain. Why? Why was he crying? Why had he come to see Sam? And Merry? And Pippin? What had happened? All these questions were running into Sam's brain and he was sure he needed the answers, he was sure he had to know, but suddenly he realized that all he wanted, all he had ever needed was right there in front of himself. His Mr. Frodo. Frodo had come to him, that was all really mattered. Frodo was here. Frodo still wanted him. Merry did not matter anymore, not even the hug. Frodo was there, needing Sam. Sam couldn't ask for anything more. Sam had not trusted him. Sam had run away. Sam had been bitter and had thought something wrong. Sam had hurt him. That was all true. But Sam had come back, Sam had cried, and he was so in so much pain. Sam loved Frodo and Frodo knew it in the deep of his own heart, Sam loved him, Sam still loved him even if he had let him go, and Sam still wanted him. Frodo couldn't desire anything more. "Sam, please" said Frodo stroking Sam's swollen cheek. Frodo's hand on his face was soothing and healing, Sam could breathe and think clearly now. Sam felt whole again he put his own hand over Frodo's. "I'm here love" was the simple answer. "Let me be with you," murmured Frodo. Sam dragged his Master inside his old room. "We need to talk, dear" began Frodo and Sam held his breath. "But not now, not here. In this moment all I need is you, I need to feel your love. Will you help me?" "Yes we need to talk some, Frodo but will you have me now? Will you show me you are still mine?" Frodo unbuttoned his own weskit. "Always." And then they kissed, deeply hungrily. They fell on Sam's bed still kissing still touching each other with blind passion. Frodo tugged off Sam's shirt and threw it on the floor. Sam opened Frodo's breeches to touch his swollen length through his linens. Frodo moaned deep in his throat. "Let me hold you, Frodo, let me," whispered Sam, who was now naked. Frodo looked in his lover eyes and saw not only endless love but also a burning desire, the same need that was eating his flesh. "Yes I'm yours, Sam." Sam touched his Master's shoulders slowly, reverently. He stroked his nipples, smiling when he saw them erect. He licked Frodo's chest, stomach, and then slowly he went down. He deeply inhaled the musk scent of Frodo's arousal and he shyly licked it using just the tip of his tongue. Frodo, lying in the small bed, moaned again, helplessly. All he felt was Sam; he was feeling his lips his tongue, his mouth, he was feeling his Sam. Sam took Frodo in his mouth. He wanted to give to Frodo the most intense pleasure he had never experienced. He wanted to make him cry out in joy. He wanted to give him the perfect bliss. He wanted to make them both whole. Pure, white, strong bliss that was what Frodo was feeling while Sam was touching, licking, kissing and stroking his hard and needy flesh. Then Sam started humming and for Frodo it was like experiencing a clap of thunder surging through his own body. He came and almost fainted. But Frodo did not want to sleep, did not need to rest, not yet. Sam was still aroused and needy and Frodo wanted to give his Sam all that he needed. *** Frodo was in his arms again breathing hard in his afterglow...Sam grinned, he couldn't ask for anything more...the love of his life was in his bed and he was... he was caressing his body with his gaze, he was loving him. Frodo did love him! Sam felt his cock twitching in answer, he felt his whole body harden; he wanted Frodo, he wanted his hands, his lips, his tongue, and his skin. He wanted all of him, there and then, without words, it wasn't the time for talking anymore ...no. No words... no explanations. No more tears, just this, just them, together, naked in that old bed Sam moaned deeply in his throat when Frodo kissed him on his chest carefully avoiding Sam's erect nipples; he sighed when his lover swirled his tongue in his navel and deeply inhaled his musky scent. "Love..." murmured Sam with his fingers buried in the black satin curls of the Master of Bag End. "My own..." answered Frodo taking Sam's swollen length into his mouth. Any coherent thought abandoned Sam's brain, all he could feel was Frodo, Frodo on the top of his body, over his thighs, on his cock, and he could feel Frodo's warmth, sweetness, and his love. All Frodo. Frodo licked Sam's hardness slowly, and Sam couldn't help but looking at that pink, wet lips and that teasing tongue...Sam was close... so very close it almost hurt. Frodo stopped his motions abruptly, ignoring Sam desperate whimpering, began to talk with a low husky voice..."I need you Sam."' You...have...me" Sam tried to articulate, lost in his pleasure. "Please" added Frodo lowering his gaze and Sam understood exactly what Frodo wanted, what his Frodo needed; he understood because he wanted the same thing, he needed to be one and whole with Frodo again, he wanted to make love to him now and forever. And he did, he made Frodo ready with skilled and teasing fingers, he stroked his body with languid touches and when Frodo was almost mad for his need, he penetrated him, he had Frodo, he possessed him. He moved inside him slowly, savouring every single moan of his lover, every single frantic whisper, every plea and when he felt the pleasure running through his own veins, when he felt his body stiffening in bliss, he took Frodo's hard flesh in his hand and stroked it with the same eager rhythm he was now plunging deeply into Frodo's sweating body. When he came, Sam screamed and Frodo with wide-open eyes echoed his lover's cries. They were together, they were one again, they were in love and their bodies were showing it. Feeling it. Lost to this moment of pure joy. Frodo's body was cooling down. He was naked in Sam's small bed. He was exactly where he wanted to be. Wrapped in the arms of his beloved Sam. He had almost lost Sam, he had almost lost everything...he had been so stupid, arrogant and selfish. He thought about Pip with his green eyes full of tears, begging him to go after Sam and thought about his stupid pride... he had almost lost Sam forever, but he hadn't...there was still love...there was still hope for them. Sam had fought for Frodo, had come back even if he was sure about his lover's unfaithfulness; now it was his turn. He had to show to Sam that he was ready to fight for him and that he was willing to show his love, his devotion any way Sam needed. He turned around, took Sam's hand in his own then lightly touched his face with the other. He looked deeply into those beautiful eyes, without lowering his gaze, he said: "I'm sorry..." but he couldn't go on because Sam put his index upon Frodo's soft lips and said: "No need Frodo, now I'm sure I was wrong, you are mine, your body can't lie, your soul is with me." Frodo felt love surging in his chest but after kissing Sam's finger just had to go on. "I'm so sorry Sam, I was so full of pride, so shocked you thought I cheated on you. I did not realize how much I hurt you, by holding Merry that way. Not telling you the truth immediately, when you came back. I've never, never been with Merry, I was just comforting him, it meant nothing. You are my life Sam and I don't want to feel alone anymore, I don't want to feel lost ever again...I want to stay with you forever. You are the most important thing in my life Sam, without you I'm nothing. Please love, forgive me, please." "I do." Sam answered simply and took Frodo in his arms murmuring in his hair. "If you'll forgive me as well. I won't be so stupid anymore, I will trust you, I will talk to you, I will stay by you, I won't make the same mistake again... I won't!" "We have been so silly Sam, so childish..." Sam's passionate kiss shut Frodo up. Merry and Pippin, outside behind the small rounded window down at number 3 Bagshot Row, smiled to each other; hand in hand they walked away, disappearing into the night. All was right in the world once again.