Title: Nellie Queen of the Orcs Author: Anne Anymous (Chobblebard@aol.com) Pairing: Saruman / Frodo Rating: NC 17 Summary: This is in response to the plot bunny Frodo Queen of the Orcs. She who will not be named had a plot bunny about Saruman falling in love with Frodo, and changing him/her into someone better suited to be a wife. With this plot bunny brain barf suddenly had a central story line. If it doesn’t make you laugh, it will definitely make you groan and shake your head in disgust. This is the crossover version of that plot bunny. Disclaimer: I do not make any profit from this brain slop. I do not own the Tolkien characters or the works of Alice Cooper, Tolkien, Burroughs, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Head Wig or anything else tied up in this brain poop. It’s just for fun just a concept and I mean no disrespect to any referenced characters or fans. Warning: Brain slop, contains implied wounding of character, bad puns, parodies, crossover. Please do not read if you are under 18, or if you don’t like truly tasteless Tolkien. Maybe a painful read, but if you can get through it you might smile a time or two. De-faming to Frodo’s wonderful, fictional character. Contains implied death/un-death of characters. Authors Note: This is exactly what the plot bunny brought to mind, so I apologize for this one! Flame me if you must, but remember, I did spare you from the rhyming of the word hobbit. Nellie, Queen of the Orcs By Anne Anymous Did I ever tell you about the wizard that taught a hobbit to do magic? It started out to be a two bit novelty, like a fifteen hundreds carnival act, you dig? At first he thought the hobbit was cute and built an act around him. After a while cute turned to sexy and after that pretty darned hot if you’d asked him. The wizard was an old German guy, had a fondness for bad sausage and worse tuba music. His name was Saruman Furter, the best necromancer in middle earth. Although his stage name was Saruman the White his friends called him Whitey. The little hobbit he longed for had the face of an angel. The kind of face grown men and elves alike would leave their families behind and follow around for miles. Saruman fell hard. It broke his old withered heart to think of all the others that came before him, an elf, a dwarf, a ranger, some guy named Sam and the fact that it was a boy hobbit made the whole thing worse. Saruman went mad and pretty soon all of his spells and incantations became nothing but tormented love letters. ”I want to love you but I better not touch.” they read, “I want to hold you but my senses tell me to stop. I want to kiss you but your lips are venomous poison.” The letters were found five hundred years later and made into a song, ironically by a man named Alice. Before that they were found by the hobbit. Frodo N. Baggins was his name, sort of a Shire version of John Q Public. Fortunately Frodo had landing a powerful old man with a fantastic castle on his to do list and the two were almost happy. Almost because there was something about Frodo that troubled Saruman, it was a little thing, he knew it; barely worth a second thought. But it made him angry and worries of it inched their way into Saruman’s mind. Once again Frodo surprised the old man, in being such a revolutionary. Although the concept was far ahead of his time, Frodo believed that surgical alterations to please a powerful old man was absolutely the right thing to do. In the fifteen hundreds cosmetic surgery was a new art, and included the nasty side effect of immortality. Although physically all went well for Frodo and no one including his closest friends ever noticed a difference, Frodo noticed because at that time there were no sufficient pronouns to describe him. People would just point at Frodo and say shhhh he, and Frodo assumed he was always being whispered about. To make matters worse Saruman decided Frodo needed a new name and since Frodo was his bride after all, he called him by a nice German name Frau Hedvig Furter. Unfortunately the orcs pronounced it Head Wig, which annoyed the hobbit to no end. The orcs then decided that as their new queen, the hobbit formerly known as Frodo N Baggins should just be called by his middle name. Although Nellie Queen of the Orcs really suited Frodo, for some reason Frodo just didn’t like it. ”Saruman” he said one day, “Let me be frank, I don’t want to be called Nellie Queen of the Orcs anymore.” So Saruman let him be frank and a new name was established as Frank N. Furter. Franki for short with the proper spelling of Sauron’s English, only one eye. At this point Franki/Frodo was every bit the orc queen one would expect from his lipstick stained cigarette butt to his black teddy, fish nets and platform heels. Inside, however Frodo was very much a hobbit lad of the Shire, and as such he ate all the time. One day after a particularly good bowl of old Toby, Frodo found out that the orcs, much like everything else, tasted remarkably like chicken. Saruman couldn’t comprehend why his orcs were disappearing, so he and his henchmen would go to find more elves to make more orcs and Frodo would eat all he wanted because, eventually they would make more. So strong was Frodo’s appetite that Saruman’s largest sorcery competitor, Gandalf Nichlaus took what was left of the dwindling elf population and went into hiding. In an effort not to be found they confessed to going west but went north instead, so far north they had to finally stop at the North Pole. Gandalf to preserve secrecy gave up sorcery all together and went into the toy making business. So great were Gandalf’s efforts at that time that the elves began to call him Saint Nichlaus, or Saint Nick for short. Frodo’s case of the munchies wasn’t the worst of it for Saruman either. As a young hobbit of the Shire would, Frodo talked constantly. Pretty soon he talked all the time day and night, started talking in the streets screaming that he wanted equal rights. You could here Saruman for miles screaming at him and telling him to Shut Up! But nothing did any good and finally Franki Frodo said to him.... ”In the end, Saruman it is you who will shut up, because we don’t need you around here anymore. I can do your magic and I can build a new man, with blond hair and a tan!” After that Saruman the White simply disappeared. Nothing left but an empty grave and a tombstone inscribed in elvish that read...Down With Whitey. Frodo fared a bit better without his preciousssss and decided to dig up…er look up some old friends. Cousin Merry was too far-gone, but immortality and androgyny seemed to fit Pip like a new pink hat. Frodo named him after the most renowned adventurer of their time.(Not Bilbo the other one... Columbus). With some help from his cousin Frodo discovered that re-animation was possible without gender re-assignment and Sam was next. Although a lowly gardener, basically riff raff to Frodo, good help was still hard to find. Sam of course wouldn’t come back without his wife, Rosie. Sam insisted he needed Rose to tint his world and keep him safe from his traveling pain. Frodo agreed on the condition that Rose be called by a new name, a prettier shade of pink, and to Sam, Rose by any other name was ok by him. So Frank N. Furter, Magenta, Columbia and the faithful handyman lived happily ever after, mostly because Frodo had discovered and alternative to chicken. Frodo Furter had discovered MEATLOAF! I know Sandyman’s peril, bent over a barrel After Shelob had took to the hills But I’d really get hot, if I saw Farmer Cotton Fight a balrog that spits poison and kills Good old Gandalf said prunes gave him the runes And passing them used lots of skills But when worlds collide said Aragorn to his bride I’m gonna give you some terrible thrills Like a “Slash fanfiction” double feature