Title: Stranded (prologue) Authors: Linil and Tur Kilo Email: stranded_slash@yahoo.com Pairing(s): too many. And they change. Rating: R Summary: The elves of Imladris go on vacation, but never quite make it to their destination. Warning: AU (major), gen, incest implied, and use of a wardrobe. Disclaimer: Alas, we do not own these characters. They own us. But happily enough we own the bunny. Although at times it runs away and it takes forever to catch it. AN: um. Yeah. Think of this kinda as the wardrobe from Chronicles of Narnia... but it looks like something different for everyone. Feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!! The sun rose over a sleepy Imladris at seven in the morning. The valley was filled with the sound of trees rustling in the morning breeze, of birds singing praises to Arien, of... “Ada! Have you seen my purple ribbons?”...One annoying elf-maid, “I’ve looked everywhere and I can’t find them” Elrond shut the door behind him and sat down at the breakfast table, ignoring his daughter’s whines. The table was empty except for Erestor and Gildor, the former drilling the latter on Imladris’ foreign policy. Today was the day Elrond, his family, and his closest friends would depart on a special camping trip to the wilds of Harlindon. Gildor would act as Elrond’s steward for the duration of the trip and Erestor wished him to be prepared for the worst. “What do you do if orcs attack?” “Have a glass of wine and kill them.” “What if there’s a flood?” “Have a glass of wine and evacuate to the sanctuary.” “What if Thranduil arrives and asks to see Legolas’ room?” “Give Thranduil a glass of wine, push him over a small bridge and have a glass of wine.” Erestor was mildly pleased, which meant he was not pleased at all. “You are a dimwit. Do you intend to save the valley and its people while drunk?” “No,” Gildor replied, “I intend to follow lord Elrond’s example to the fullest.” The blond elf cast a wink at his groggy lord who ignored the insult and downed his third glass of wine. As Erestor reviewed the evacuation procedures with Gildor, Elladan and Elrohir walked in together wearing purple ribbons in their hair. “Good morning Ada.” They said in cheerful unison before sitting down to eat. Moments later Arwen stormed in, her nanny Melpomaen in tow. After spotting the twins, she made her way to the table, to accuse her brothers. “Why are you wearing my hair ties?” she asked in mock nicety, the unattractive vein in her forehead beating with a life of its own, “you always take my things without asking! Now my trust in you has failed completely,” she turned to her nanny, “Melpomaen, fetch me my list.” Melpomaen complied, searching the folds of his painfully gay purple robe, “here it is milady.” Melpomaen said gleefully. His accent was so gay it was like the sound of a vacuum trying to suck up a dwarf. Melpomaen handed the list to his mistress, wrist disabled. “A number of ribbons, socks, shoes, and undergarments were found to be missing when Melpomaen did inventory last night. Master Lindir is searching your room as we speak,” she smiled menacingly, “however; just to be safe I will have you searched as well. Melpomaen, frisk my brothers.” Melpomaen who had been sipping green tea, pinky extended, looked up emulating a deer in the headlights. The words hit him like a mini-van full of soccer children. The twins of Imladris were very beautiful, and despite the rumors of their cross-dressing, they had semi-spotless reputations. Melpomaen was eager, for once, to do his mistress bidding. “But my lady, would it be right for a lowly servant such as myself to pat down and feel-up on every inch of the succulent flesh of your brothers?” “Knock yourself out.” Arwen replied sipping a cup of tea. “Can I help?” asked a dreamy voice that wet the underwear of heterosexual teenage girls for miles around. It was Legolas Greenleaf. He walked into the room accompanied by lady Galadriel, and her servants; Orophin, her bodyguard, and his brother Rumil, her stylist. “No, that’s alright.” Melpomaen said with pseudo-kindness. “No, I wouldn’t want you to over strain yourself,” Legolas replied as a serpentine cloud of smoke circled his head, “you do work so hard.” “I want to frisk them!” Melpomaen shouted as he flailed his fists. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at him. He was so gay. “We will frisk each other.” The twins said as they took turns patting down each other’s bodies. Melpomaen, taking a seat beside his mistress, crossed his arms and pouted. “Oh, milady,” Rumil said crossing his legs and turning to Galadriel who was drinking coffee religiously, “you should try this purple lipstick with the indigo blush. Your husband won’t sleep soundly for a year.” “I have no need for my husband, sex is vastly overrated.” Elrond looked up in shock. The twins spit out their milk onto Legolas who choked on his tea and fell off his chair. “Grandmother, you cannot be serious...can you?” “Dear sweet Arwen, you will find that men have very few uses, and pleasure is not one of them. You will soon find that there is companionship enough in your own hand-” “Now mother,” Elrond interjected, “I don’t think this train of thought is really appropriate to the situation at hand.” “Nonsense, Elrond.” Galadriel said, rolling a joint and lighting up, “she’s old enough to know the secret of the women of this family.” an awkward silence fell over the room. Erestor, who was well mannered, knelt down to help the post-choked Legolas. When the creamy blonde bombshell felt the touch of the pale ravenesque advisor, he felt that strange bubbly nauseating feeling well up in his stomach and spread to his liver and spleen. Ah, sweet infatuation. “Oh... um, thanks.” Legolas said blushing and looking away. “You’re welcome,” Erestor replied in disinterest. After helping up Legolas, Erestor left to attend his other duties, the puppy dog stares of the other elf following him out. “Make sure you are all prepared to leave at eleven.” Elrond said to his family. He followed Erestor out, bottle of wine in hand. *** *** “What should I do with my hair?” Glorfindel asked while examining himself in the mirror, “should I braid it? No, maybe that’s too fancy, perhaps just a ponytail, but I don’t want to look like a simpleton.” Lindir laughed to himself. It was quite a sight to see the great balrog-slayer stressing over how to do his hair, which he neither combed nor brushed on most days. The minstrel got up and stood behind the mildly distressed Glorfindel. “Let’s keep the side braids, and then put in a ponytail, but let’s curl the ponytail down.” “Okay,” Glorfindel sighed relieved. He scrutinized his face and hair again, “are my highlights diminishing?” he asked. “What?” “My hair, I think my highlights are diminishing, they look like honey blonde. They’re supposed to be golden blonde; I can’t romance Erestor with faded hair!” “Calm down, don’t worry. We’ll just have to steal some of the lady Galadriel’s shampoo before we leave.” A knock at the door drew their attention away from the mirror. Gothic Erestor entered with a bow, dressed in charcoal colored robes. “My lord, lord Elrond wishes you to be sure to inspect the horses before we leave.” Erestor said distractedly, looking past the other elves out the window. “Yeah, um... sure.” Glorfindel mumbled, blushing slightly. “Right, okay then,” Erestor said airily, making only brief eye contact with the golden lord. Erestor left and Glorfindel turned to face the mirror again. “Maybe I should give myself bangs too.” pondered Glorfindel. Lindir sighed, thousand-year-old men in a state of mutually misunderstood infatuation. *** *** Elrond wandered his own halls, searching for his father-in-law. It was ten forty-five and Galadriel had come down from her high and imminent doom awaited Celeborn if Galadriel found him before Elrond did. While crossing one of the bridges in the garden, giggles and heavy breathing alerted him to the presence of others. This part of the garden was usually busier than others duo to its proximity to the house. So Elrond concluded it must be Celeborn; only he could commit debauchery in semi-public so shamelessly. Elrond hiked up the folds of his robe as he deviated from the trail to find his slutty in law. Crushing through the bushes, he stumbled upon the most horrendous (not to mention heinous) sight he had ever had the misfortune to discover in the last few years. There was Celeborn and one of Galadriel’s staff (possibly the housekeeper, but maybe the kitchen hand) completely naked and eating. Celeborn was eating cherries out of a bowl while the woman consumed rice that she had smeared across his lower navel. Elrond was appalled, but he couldn’t complain too much, she was eating with a fork, so at least she had manners. “I don’t mean to interrupt but-” “Elrond! What brings you to my little party?” Celeborn sat up and smiled triumphantly, "I must say you weren’t invited but you’re welcome to stay.” It took a moment for Elrond to regain his composure before he could speak again. “Well, actually, I did mean to interrupt. You see, it’s your wife. Her weed is gone, so she is redecorating the room right now, but she won’t be high much longer so your presence will be needed soon. Most likely to satisfy her animal urges.” “Please Elrond, everyone knows that Galadriel hasn’t had sex with me since the conception of our daughter, your wife.” “Then what does she use you for?” the secret was not revealed, however, due to the fact that a lout telepathic voice echoed in their minds. “Celeborn, where the fuck are you?!” The maid shrieked and dove into the bushes attempting to hide from her mistress’ all seeing power. Celeborn dressed, not bothering to utter a word before dashing off, dressing himself in the process. *** *** “Which dresses should I pack milady?” Melpomaen asked, imagining himself in the red brocade evening gown he had just folded. “Use the trunk under my bunk.” Arwen said. Melpomaen bent over and strained to extract the weighty trunk. “There sure is a lot of junk in this trunk,” grunted Melpomaen. “There’s no junk in my trunk,” Arwen scoffed, “that trunk is filled with priceless dresses sewn with the seduction of males in mind.” “Lady, why are we packing your slutty dresses, will your father approve?” “He pays no attention to what I wear, grandmother does, but if I explain myself to her, she’ll understand.” “But why?” “Melpomaen, if you have a brain, please use it now. We are all going on this picnic camping trip.” “So?” “So, all of the people going are male, and I am single. Therefore I will need my good frocks to seduce at least one of them.” “Which one?” “That remains to be decided.” Melpomaen nodded and returned to the trunk. *** *** By noon, the sun was high above the valley and everyone had gathered in the courtyard for the departure. Gildor was performing the traditional blessing, and while everyone looked interested and composed, no one was really paying attention. Elrond was on the verge of falling into an alcohol-induced sleep, ‘I can’t believer Celebrian left me with three children. The twins are awfully close; I hope they’re not gay. If they are gay, I hope they don’t hook up, and if they hook up and I find out, they better not spew some crap about modern relationships. And what is Arwen wearing? Wait, why am I thinking so much if I’m so tired?’ Arwen was subtly hiking up her skirt whenever possible. ‘I hope it doesn’t get cold tonight. This skirt is so thin. So many beautiful blonde men gathered together for my choosing. Well, Legolas definitely has style, but sometimes I swear he’s more feminine than I am. Then there’s Orophin, but he’s so stony, and yet built like a bull. Rumil, nah too gay. Haldir has style but his harsh upbringing has made him a real man. Yup, definitely Haldir. I’ll have to carve our initials into my tree of lust and infatuation.’ Elladan and Elrohir were dressed in lavender and blue respectively standing only inches apart and appearing slightly awkward. ‘Why does Elrohir have to stand so close to me? Doesn’t he realize how gay this looks? Ai, what if he knows. We’ve always been so close; maybe he can see my dreams. Is it right to dream about your brother that way?’ ‘Why is Elladan standing so close to me? Does he realize how gay this looks? Ai, I hope I’m not getting a boner right now, that would screw everything up. Maybe I should try and date other people. Hmm, Legolas is single...’ Erestor tapped his foot, a nervous habit. ‘I wonder if Glorfindel noticed I’m wearing charcoal instead of my usual black. Oh, I hope he notices me, wait, why do I care? Did I forget to lock the door to my rooms?’ Glorfindel readjusted his sky blue robes and brushed the hair out of his face. ‘There’s Erestor. Damn that black beauty! Oh look at those robes; they’re charcoal instead of black. I should compliment him. Erestor, I will make you mine.’ Celeborn pulled up the collar of his tunic, attempting to hide the large welt on his neck. ‘Please let Galadriel get more weed. When she’s not smoking, she tends to become violent. I don’t want to get bitten again. Maybe I should come on to her. That would distract her form the fact hat I’m clearly cheating on her. Wait, she can read minds. Must, keep, thoughts, secret!’ Galadriel looked like crap. Without her daily smoking fix, she had lost the will to beautify herself. ‘Damn it. I need a smoke. I wonder how near the closest hemp store is. Is Arwen making moo eyes at Haldir? Ugh. I need a smoke.’ Haldir grabbed at his groin as nonchalantly as possible, some very strange things had happened to him in the last few weeks. ‘Valar, what is happened to me? Am I supposed to have hair in those places? I wonder what Celeborn looks like naked? Uh oh, Damnit! Why must I wear such tight leggings?’ Rumil was the only on actually paying attention to Gildor. ‘Gildor’s pretty, but he should have pomped his hair, and that green is so last season. Which reminds me, I need to buy new shoes.’ Orophin was intent of fulfilling his duties. ‘Which of the twins would be better to sleep with? I hope Legolas is over last summer. I told him it wouldn’t fit. I’m thinking Elladan; he’s definitely the stronger minded one. I can’t resist a challenge.’ Legolas made no attempt to mask the fact that he didn’t care about anything. ‘Flower, flower in my hand who’s the fairest in the land?’ the flower did not answer. ‘Stupid flower.’ He dropped it on the ground and stomped on it. Melpomaen was too busy hiding his secret porn stash in his robes. ‘I hope there’s enough room for them. Wait, why are my nipples tingling? Oh, my gay senses are tingling, but here? Who? I guess agent double O Melpomaen will have to solve the case... by coming on to all of them.’ So, yeah have a good trip or-Erestor you wrote the speech on my hand wrong- and May the Valar bless – there’s a smudge – till you return.” The company of elves mounted their horses and rode off into the forest. *** *** It was the ninth hour of the evening when the elves decided to discontinue traveling and set up camp. “If anyone needs me I’ll be taking a walk.” Elrond called out to the camp. He ducked inside his own tent to fetch some spirits from his liquor cabinet. He left for his walk shortly after followed by Bill the faithful pony, who was laden with every alcoholic beverage know to elven kind. “How do I look Rumil?” Celeborn asked turning to look at himself in the full-length mirror that was in Rumil’s tent. He was dressed in saran wrap and nothing else. “Why you look splendid my Lord. The lady is sure to jump your bones. May I ask what it is you are wearing?” “I think it is called saran wrap.” “Really?! I thought the stuff was just a myth.” “If it is a myth then what am I wearing? “Even if it is real you are still naked.” “I am not! I am completely covered.” “Yes I supposed if one goes swimming naked one is not nude so long as one is in the water.” “What are you talking about? I am not going swimming, especially with your mistress. The last time we went swimming our child was conceived.’ “But my lord, is this not the point of waltzing into the lady’s tent in a state of undress?” “Heavens no! I said I wanted to come on to her, not have sex with her! Have you ever had sex with Galadriel?!’ “My lord, do you take me for a charlatan?” “You mean a whore?” “My lord your wife is not my pimp!” “I meant to suggest that you were slutty, not a fraud.” “Oh, that’s okay, but no I have never slept with Galadriel.” “Well if you had you would know that doing it with her makes one wish that Sauron was their wife instead. I mean, at least the eye would not exhaust me so. Nor does the eye bite. Look at my neck!” He points to the enormous welt on his neck. Rumil scrutinizes it and then looks at the rest of Celeborn. “Oh my lord, look at this one betwixt your legs! How absolutely adorable! It’s shaped like a teddy bear.” “And those are only the ones you can see.” He shudders. ‘I still have nightmares.” Rumil pat’s his lord’s ass consolingly. “Well think of it this way, if she was a man you would not be walking.” “Ai Rumil do not say such things!” “I’m sorry my lord, I did not mean to insult your wife’s sensitive bits.” “There are no sensitive bits on Galadriel. The witch bathes in fire and still nothing happens. If only she had never met Gandalf, then she would not be using the herbs she does now.” “But my lord the lady’s weed is good stuff. Even Legolas of the woodland realm thinks so.” “Well I had better go and get this over with. Wish me luck my friend.” “Here take this my lord.” Rumil handed Celeborn a small strip of cloth and a little bottle of fluid. “ “What is this Rumil?” “The cloth is to wrap your wounds with.” “And this bottle is full disinfectant, no?” “No it’s green-silver eye shadow, but it doubles as orc poison should you need to excuse yourself by vomiting on the lady’s dress; she’s wearing the most hideous yellow and black evening gown. It was originally sewn for Elrond, he so loves stripes but it makes whoever wears look like a bumble bee that has drunk ent-draughts.” “Once again, thank you my friend.” Celeborn left the tent leaving a pensive Rumil behind “Wait, Sauron is a woman?” *** *** Elsewhere the Lady Galadriel was searching the perimeter of the camp on a quest for that rarest and most lovely of elven herbs. “Do you see anything over there Legolas?” called Galadriel. Legolas turned to Elrohir who had decided to accompany him on the search. “What does this herb look like?” asked Elrohir. “Just remember this little piece of poetry. Leaves of five get you high!” he bent over and patted the ground, searching for the elusive plant. Elrohir chose that moment to steal a glimpse of the other elf’s ass. He was blinded by the vision. No literally, his ass was blinding him; a strange light seemed to be emanating from it. “Um, Legolas? Why is your ass glowing?” Legolas straightened and looked at his own ass, “help me please.” He said gesturing at the waist of his leggings. “Legolas! Not with grandmother so close by!” “But I need to show you something! It’s important.” “How important?” asked Elrohir “Of enormous importance.” Said Legolas. “Oh, well in that case, I suppose I could help you.” Elrohir got down on his knees, positioning himself right in front of Legolas’ groin. “Oh, no,” Legolas said, “its better if you do it from this side.” “Wow Legolas, I had no idea you were into that kind of stuff.” Legolas turned around, positioning his glowing silver ass in front of Elrohir’s face. Elrohir had to shield his eyes from the brightness with one hand, lest he go blind. Using the other hand, he pulled the fabric down over the soft, luscious curves. “Legolas, your ass is glowing, literally!” “I know silly, isn’t it great, now I never get lost in the dark and I always have a nightlight.” “But what does this mean?” asked Elrohir “It glows when the weed is near.” said Legolas ominously. His eyes darted about with suspicion. “And may I ask how your ass gained powers of illumination?” “Well, you see, after the ring was destroyed Frodo didn’t know what to do with the phial of Galadriel. So when we first go stoned in Minas Tirith during the celebration, the lady suggested that we stick it where the sun does not shine. So that it might be a light in dark places where all other lights go out. So Frodo and I snuck off to a secluded place to do as the lady suggested. Only once it was in that most secret of shrines, the stupid phial opened and spilled all of the liquid inside of me. That is why the lady Galadriel brings me with her on all of her weed hunts. So that she may use my ass as a compass to guide her through the darkness of drugless ness.” “So let me get this straight. You have the light of Earendil in you ass?!” “Yes, the holy essence of your grandfather has made my ass the vessel of light for the world.” “Well, at least is being well used.” It was at that time that the lady Galadriel glided over to the two elves. Upon noticing that Legolas’ ass was glowing she was delighted, “have you found anything yet?” “No, but my ass guides us this way.” “The ass is very perceptive. Follow the ass!” she shouted as though she was following hounds on a foxhunt. Then turned to Elrohir and said, “The boy’s ass can suss out weed from five miles away.” She grinned and glided in the direction of the glowing ass. *** *** Arwen finished changing into her see-through red negligee and walked into the main chamber of her tent to find Melpomaen holding one of Arwen’s rather low cut dresses up to his body while blowing kisses and winking at his reflection in the three-way mirror. “This should be perfect.” He said giving himself one final look-over. “Perfect for what?” Arwen asked making her presence know. “Uh, for you to seduce one of the lovely bachelors that are on this trip with us. What better than this green dress to communicate your obvious fertility and desire to reproduce than this beautiful thing? Once any of them sees you they will all bow down in worship of your glorious beauty and be filled with the urge to make you the vessel of their progeny.” Melpomaen sighed with longing while Arwen snorted in disgust. “Ai Melpomaen I know you swing that way but must you make your desires and envy of my illustrious and womanly glory so obvious. I just want to get some, what else are males for? If I wanted children I would go to the fertility specialist at the healing house in Lothlorien.” “But my lady,” Melpomaen protested “what about the passion and intimacy?” “Please Melpomaen, we are elves, the only thing we are passionate about is trees, and if I wanted a relationship I would become a lesbian.” Melpomaen recoiled in distaste at the last remark. “Now I am leaving for a few hours to call upon the ancient spirits to aid me in my quest for pleasure and I do not wish to be disturbed. You may use this small break to read your porn and wear the dresses in my trunk.” “Which trunk my lady?” “The one with all of the junk.” She said gesturing at a new trunk, as yet unnoticed. Melpomaen walked over to it and opened it to see what was inside. “My, what are you going to do with all that junk?” he asked pointing down at the contents of the aforementioned device of clothing storage. “What junk are we talking about?” she asked as she studied her nails to make sure her cuticles were all of an acceptable length. “All that junk inside your trunk” Melpomaen said “I don’t know, but if my brothers come looking for some spare clothes tell them that they may use the chastity belts that are lavender or blue.” “Will do my lady.” Melpomaen said saluting her with his pinky extended. With that, she left to find a special kind of tree. *** *** “So Orophin, what is the best way to get into someone’s pants?” Glorfindel asked the galadhel. He cast a sidelong glance towards Erestor who was talking to Elladan and Haldir about something intelligent that would have bored Glorfindel’s genitals off had it come out of any other mouth than Erestor’s. Orophin glanced in the direction of the three elves and thought for a second, “I don’t know, knowing my brother it could be anything, from how to string a bow to tra-la-las.” Glorfindel looked confusedly at the galadhel, “what is a tra-la-la?” “You know, the fountain, the man flower. Your... you know.” Understanding dawned on Glorfindel and he snapped his gaze to the three elves as they burst into laughter, “why would they be talking about that?” Orophin shrugged and walked toward the laughing trio. “Let’s play a game!” Elladan said as Orophin approached. “What kind of game?” asked Erestor. “I once knew a man, who had heard from a galadhel, whose roommate’s best friend was married to a hobbit, who taught me how to play this game called Tablero de Gucci.” “What’s a Gucci?” asked Glorfindel as he joined the conversation. “I don’t know,” said Elladan scratching his head, “it sounds dwarvish. But, it’s a fun game. All we need is alcohol and a chess board.” “Where are we going to find alcohol?” asked Haldir. The rest of the group looked at him like he had the I.Q of a mentally disabled cave troll. “Where do you think we’re going to get it? Elrond’s tent is practically its own liquor cabinet,” said Erestor, “how much do we need?” “Well, each player needs at least one bottle. Oh, and we’re going to need shot glasses. Seven to be exact.” “Very well,” said Glorfindel, “I shall return shortly with the alcohol, but I have no idea where to find a chess board.” He walked away from the group heading for Elrond’s tent. “I have a chess board!” said Erestor and went off to get it. Orophin turned to the other two elves. “What were you two and Erestor talking about earlier?” he asked. “Oh, about random things, it started out with how to better string bows then we ended the conversation talking about the sizes of tra la las.” said Haldir. Orophin giggled. Glorfindel and Erestor appeared at the same time, almost bumping into each other. Erestor blushed and looked down at his feet and clutched the chess board closer to his chest. Glorfindel smiled at him, then looked at the other elves there. “I have acquired the alcohol and shot glasses.” “And I the chess board.” “Then let us find a quieter place to play,” said Orophin. “Okay, so, this is how you play...” Elladan began as they walked into the forest. *** *** Celeborn made his way to Galadriel’s tent. He stopped right outside and adjusted the saran wrap and thought about some good pickup lines. ‘Did it hurt when you fell from that talan. No, that’s stupid. Would you like to take a ride on my stallion. No! That’s the last thing I want. I need to come out of this alive and unbroken.’ He thought about the first time he had tried to seduce his wife. -Flashback- Galadriel was in her pink phase back then, everything had to be pink. At the time, she was in the middle of painting their talan a dark pink when Celeborn came sauntering in, wearing his warg skin loin cloth. She didn’t notice him until he came up behind her and whispered in her ear, “Are you a broom, cause you’ve swept me off my feet.” She turned and stared at him for a minute before glaring at him. He backed up a little, feeling uneasy under her gaze. Suddenly, he felt something hot around his netherlands. He looked down and saw that his loin cloth was on fire. He jumped up and down screaming, “ Put it out! Put it out!” he began to bat at the flames, trying to avoid his sensitive bits. He ran out of the talan to get water. When he returned, the garment was almost completely burned. Galadriel smiled and said icily, “ have you successfully extinguished the fire of your loins?” “Yes,” he squeaked. “Then leave me, I’m painting.” “But I’m just a love machine and I won’t work for anybody but you.” Whined Celeborn, “I have needs too.” “And that,” said Galadriel, turning back to her painting, “is why the Valar gave you two hands.” -end flashback- He smiled as he thought of a good line to use. He took a deep breath and entered the tent, “I’ve brought you a present, care to unwrap it?” he wriggled his eyebrows suggestively. “Um, my lord, why are you naked?” asked a voice that did not belong to his wife. Celeborn looked down at an elf. He wasn’t sure if it was a male or a female elf, because it was wearing a dress, and like most female elves had no noticeable breasts. “Who are you? And where is my wife?” asked Celeborn, confused. “ I know not where the lady is, I came here in search of a bustier suitable to my figure.” The elf then dropped its garter and slowly bent over to pick it up. Celeborn stared at the elf as it bent over, grinned and approached it. The elf stood up and handed the garter to Celeborn. “Would you kindly set this back in its proper place?” “Gladly my lady.” Said Celeborn, smiling and gently pushing the lady to a chair so she could sit. The lady extended her leg to him so he could set the garter in place. He began to slowly slide the garter up the lady’s leg. “So,” said the lady, “what are you doing in the Queen’s tent, thusly undressed?” “it is deep in the night, so I am looking for some fun. But since my wife is not here, would you be interested in tasting the forbidden fruit of the golden wood?” “Is it true that the trees grow tall in Lothlorien?” “See for yourself, you silly little wench.” “My lord, you tease me.” “Do I now?” “Oh yes, now will you please, please me?” “Of course, my precious blossom, since you asked so nicely. First, let me get you out of that pesky dress.” Celeborn pulled the lady up from the chair and removed the thin gown, revealing a flat chested Melpomaen wearing a pair of argyle panties that were decidedly too small for him. “YOU!” Celeborn shouted, withdrawing his hand and blushing. Melpomaen sat back down and looked at the floor, his hair falling around his face. “were you trying to seduce me?” asked Celeborn. “I am sorry my lord, I just wanted you to be my love toy tonight. Come near me, don’t fear me.” said Melpomaen, reaching out to Celeborn. Celeborn paused to consider his actions. He did not usually bed other males, but he was in heat... again. And this season had been rather heavy. Melpomaen was kind of girly pretty. “Well, I suppose I could honor your fantasies for this one night. I know that the real reason that you want to have sex with me is because you feel compassion for me and my marital situation. How noble of you. No good deed goes unpunished.” He pulled at the saran wrap, struggling to remove the transparent substance from his body, tripping and falling in the process. Melpomaen ran over to Celeborn and helped him to his feet. As he tore the saran wrap around Celeborn’s thighs, he noticed something strange. “My lord, is this a teddy bear tattoo?” “Yes, it is a sacred warrior tattoo that I earned in the first age.” Being in the position that he was, he couldn’t help himself and reached out to touch what only six thousand other women have touched. Celeborn gasped when he felt Melpomaen’s hand. “Oh, you touched my tra-la-la. *** *** The three elves had been walking for a short while when Galadriel suddenly stopped, if it wasn’t for Legolas’ glowing ass, Elrohir would have collided with her. She scented the air then turned to Legolas and said, “The prize is near, it is time to release the un-heavenly star.” Legolas nodded, and squatted. The look on his face reminded Elrohir of someone suffering from severe constipation. Suddenly the light from his ass faded completely. This surprised Elrohir, but not nearly as much as what happened next. Legolas’ ass expelled a small glowing orb. The orb rose into the air and circled Elrohir’s head emitting sparkly magical sounds that one normally associated with pixies. All of a sudden, the glowing ass orb took off like a bolt of lightning on crack leading the three weed-hunters into a clearing just yards away from where they stood. When they finally caught up to the ass-orb they found what looked to be a small shack in the middle of nowhere. The sign on the door read in Quenya, Sindarin, and Westron: “Hemp and other products” Galadriel squealed with the delight of a schoolchild and turned to Legolas. “Good job my young friend. Now return the guiding light to its proper home so that we don’t frighten the owner of this divinely placed establishment.” Legolas complied with the lady’s orders; bending over and raising his ass into the air he beckoned the shinning globe of starlight to come hither to its proper place. It was then that Elrohir noticed that Legolas still wore no pants. Elrohir was the first to enter the dimly lit room followed by Legolas and then Galadriel. “Be on the lookout for the salesclerk.” Galadriel advised. “It sure is dark in here.” Elrohir commented. “Don’t worry Elrohir,” Legolas comforted “ I’ve got your bottom.” “don’t you mean my back?” Elrohir asked, confused. “That too.” The idiotic blonde elf added. Just then they pushed past a large shelf of herbs and found themselves in utter darkness. *** *** Arwen had been walking for only about twenty minutes when she came upon what she had been looking for. She had long been a student of the darker arts under the tutelage of her grandmother. She reached for her small elven purse and pulled out a piece of parchment that she had torn from a book. “Item one: A tree shaped like a penis... check.” She looked up at the aforementioned tree, which was indeed in the shape of that most strange but wonderful anatomical unit. “Item two: The blood of a stillborn infant.” She pulled out a vial from her bodice and smiled at it wickedly. ‘Item three: pieces of the kidney of a homosexual hobbit.” She removed the last element from the bun her hair had been formed into. “I must remember to thank Frodo the next time I see him.” She carved her initials into the tree and then Haldir’s, surrounding them with a lopsided heart. She then proceeded to pour the blood of the stillborn infant around the tree and onto the initials; she formed a circle in the dirt with the pieces of Frodo’s kidney. She used the remaining infant’s blood to draw a lightning bolt on her forehead and put on a pair of thick, round, black, and extremely dorky spectacles that only a baseborn human whose stupid parents had gotten killed and left him to grow up with his retarded relatives only to discover that he had magical powers would be caught dead or alive wearing. Needless to say the look was not very becoming on her but had a blonde mortal who liked to sneer walked by he would certainly jump her bones to the glee of teenage girls everywhere (not to mention middle-aged woman with too much time on their hands.) She broke a branch off of the penis-tree and whittled it with her elf witch powers forming a perfect wand. “Elf-delightus in-my-sightus, Haldir of Lothlorien be My-power-sightus His-breches-tightus By the power of the phallus tree Amen.” Arwen pointed her elf-wand at the erect tree as she muttered the incantation three times over and a jet of horny green light ejaculated from her wooden implement in search of the unsuspecting Haldir. *** *** Erestor had just taken his sixty-sixth shot of this dwarvish stuff called vodka or something when he realized he might have gotten a little tipsier than he had first anticipated. He glanced over at Glorfindel and smiled, the blonde was so handsome. ‘If only he would notice me’ thought Erestor a little sadly, when he noticed that he had been staring at Glorfindel and that the blonde was now staring at him, he blushed and looked at the bored. He noticed that someone had lined up the glasses on the orgasm line. “Who’z line iz tha?” asked Erestor, speech slurred. “mine.” said Haldir. He picked up the first shot and was about to drink when he felt something hit his bottom. He turned around but saw nothing save a fading green-ish light. He turned back to the board and the shot in his hand, and downed the first one. He reached for the second glass, then stopped as a picture of Arwen naked crossed his mind. He shrugged it off and downed the glass, beginning to moan. He reached for the third glass, then a picture of a naked Arwen squirming under his hands, a fine sheen of sweat covering her body flashed before his eyes. He swallowed hard as he felt his breeches tighten. He tried to erase the picture but couldn’t do so, as he downed the third glass his breathing became heavy. He grabbed the fourth glass and another picture (too graphic for this story) passed before his eyes and he actually moaned, his body shuddering with the pleasure that filled him. He downed the glass and went to grab for the fifth one, when a wave of pleasure filled him and he cried out. He took the fifth shot, more and more pictures of Arwen filling his mind. ‘What mighty power has she over me’ Haldir thought as he picked up the sixth shot and downed it, the pleasure building almost to the point of pain. He grabbed for the last shot and as he downed it, his passion released, creating a stain on the front of his breeches. Haldir panted for a moment then looked around at the other elves there. They all had a look of utter disbelief. Except for Erestor who was too inebriated to understand what was happening. He clapped his hands. “That was the best fake orgasm I have ever heard!” he patted Haldir on the back. Haldir just sat there for a while, not trusting his own voice. He just smiled at Erestor, then at the rest of the group. “Haldir,” said Orophin “did you just orgasm?” “Of course he did!” said Erestor, “he was supposed to wasn’t he?” “No, I think he means for real.” Elladan handed him a hanky to clean himself off. “I-” began Haldir, reaching for the handkerchief but was cut off by Erestor standing up and announcing “I am going to be sick.” He gave the group just enough time to move the board and themselves before Erestor got sick on his own robes and the grassy ground underneath them, “that’s the last time I eat garlic before I get wasted. Ew. Vodka mixed with garlic.” He placed his hand on his stomach and turned to run to a safer place to be sick. “I think I should go make sure he is okay. We don’t want him to pass out in a pond somewhere,” with that, Glorfindel stood and turned to leave when Orophin spoke. “Someone’s going to get some tra-la-la tonight.” Glorfindel raised an eyebrow at Orophin, but brushed the comment off and went in search of Erestor. *** *** Glorfindel did not have to go far to find Erestor, who was now crawling on the ground singing about how one day he would fly away. “Now where do you think you’re off to?” Glorfindel asked trying to keep his wits about him since he was drunk as a skunk. Glorfindel looked around searching for a certain mushroom that he knew cured drunkenness. He squatted down to check the small fungi that he was standing over. The mushroom he was looking for was white with a red head and white spots, but since Glorfindel had consumed enough alcohol to give all of Gondor cirrhosis, the sour-faced purple mushrooms that he was looking at looked like the mushrooms he thought he needed. He picked a couple of them and handed them to Erestor. “Here Erestor, eat these, they’ll make you feel better.” Glorfindel said as he ate a couple of the mushrooms. Erestor crawled over to Glorfindel and took the mushrooms. He put them into his mouth and chewed, then pulled a face of utter discomfort. He was about to tell Glorfindel that these mushroom tasted like fried hamster intestines that had been molding for the past seven years, but passed out before he got the chance. Glorfindel saw that he was out, so he picked him up and went in search of a stream or pond in which to wash Erestor. He had been walking for a little over three minutes when he saw a faint light shinning up ahead. Still pretty far off. Then out of the middle of the forest, a large manatee floated up to him and gently nudged him. “Glorfindel,” the manatee spoke, “ my name is Barbara.” It said in an ethereal voice. “am I in trouble?” asked Glorfindel eyeing the manatee suspiciously. “fourscore and seven years ago, the purple mole people brought forth a new cheese that was to be worshiped by all.” “Really?” asked Glorfindel, awe in his voice. “Yes, but you must swear an oath of allegiance to the bible. Now, raise your right ear and repeat after me. I pledge allegiance to the bible, Cheese holy word. I will make it a food unto my feet and a guide to the vehicular manslaughter of the seventh dimension.” Glorfindel stared at the manatee for a while, a confused look crossing his features. Then he repeated the oath to the cheesy bible as the manatee had previously stated, “okay, now what.” “Well, you see, our princess is in danger. A large turtle-like creature with spikes on his shell has stolen her.” The manatee opened her mouth and a mushroom like creature that was seated on a large sofa spoke to him. “You see, there is a bath house up ahead that is home to the monstrous creature and we need a warrior that is worthy enough to slay him and save our princess.” “I’ve slain a balrog before. Does that count?” asked Glorfindel eagerly. “Yes of course that counts, I mean come on if Jonah could survive in the belly of a large fish, you can certainly fly into the sun with pigtails and a pretty pink tutu.” “Okay!” said Glorfindel and climbed onto the sofa with Erestor still in his arms. The manatee turned and headed for the faint light in the distance. Glorfindel heard the faint squeal of a sultry female voice. When they arrived, Glorfindel ran to the door of the bathhouse, then turned to thank the helpful manatee and her mushroom friend, but there was nothing but darkness behind him. He shrugged and carried Erestor into the building. The first thing he saw was a tiny little person. Like a hobbit, but shorter with green hair and orange skin. The creature turned around and took in the sight of the two elves at his bathhouse door. It smiled warmly and said its name was Chocolate. He showed Glorfindel to a large bath, where he started the water and poured a capful of Elderberry oil into it, then left the two elves. Glorfindel slowly stripped off Erestor’s charcoal colored robes, then stripped his own and carried Erestor to the bath and stepped inside the heated water. He sighed at the feeling, then began washing Erestor’s hair with elderberry shampoo. ‘Elderberry’ thought Glorfindel, ‘this stuff is so rare.’ Erestor suddenly sat up and said, “But square cut or pear shaped,” he then grabbed Glorfindel’s family jewels, “these rocks don’t lose their shape.” He shook his head, trying to clear the cobwebs then realized he was naked in a bath with Glorfindel. He blushed deeply then looked into Glorfindel’s azure eyes and smiled. “Lets make love” he said sheepishly. Glorfindel smiled and kissed Erestor softly, but the kiss was broken when both heard a sound and looked toward the drain. The tub was draining rapidly. Erestor grabbed Glorfindel and held him tightly as they both got sucked down the drain. *** *** Rumil was sulking with jealously on the deserted forest path. No one wanted play with him. His brothers bless their souls, were off cavorting with members of Elrond’s household, lord Celeborn was either in the throws of passion somewhere or else chained to a wall about to have the lady Galadriel’s personal seal branded into his less powerful bits. It had been Rumil who suggested that a symbol that was a mix between a triangle and heart would look really cool., he called it a heartagram. But back to his previous train of thought: and lord knew where Arwen or Elrond were. It was then that Rumil heard what sounded like chanting. His curiosity got the best of him and he decided to pursue the sound to its source. He stumbled through a few bushes and came across what could only be described as a tree shaped like a penis. There beneath the tree was a shadowed figure hunched over the ground. When the creature sensed the presence of an intruder it began to speak in a harsh hissing language. At first Rumil did not know what to do, or what was happening but it soon became quite clear. The head of the penis-tree opened up like a rose that blooms in the spring, but poetic as a giant genital shaped tree opening up that was not the point. The point was that a giant milk white serpent slithered out of the tree and fixed it’s gaze on Rumil. Rumil was scared shitless. There was not shit to be found in him, in fact he was nowhere to be found because he was running as fast as one could while wearing high heeled Greek-like sandals and having the most diaphanous night gown this side of the universe. The snake pursued Rumil, wanting nothing more than to swallow him whole, after all this snake had had thousands of years of practice and he had managed to overcome his gag-reflex completely. No one could say that the snake ( who called himself a spermalisk.) was one to choke. Anyway returning to Rumil. Rumil was sure to be overcome by his pearlescent foe when he heard the most beautiful sound he had ever heard. Even the sound of Gil-galad orgasming by the light of the full moon could not compare to the sound that filled the air. Rumil looked about to find the source of the lovely song. It was not difficult to trace the moaning to the large peacock that was wailing and wagging it’s tail feathers suggestively. The spermalisk forgot about Rumil completely when faced with this beautiful creature. The spermalisk in all his days deep in the throat of the tree had never seen such a sexy bird the two creatures went off into the woods to make babies that would make even the lady Galadriel nauseous. Rumil turned around not daring to ask what in Mandos name had happened but he was greeted with the sight of a wardrobe sitting in the middle of a clearing. Now Rumil was by practice a stylist and so if there were clothes to be found then he would be the one to find them. So it was with hope and trepidation that he opened the wardrobe door and stepped inside. The frocks were horrible, one catastrophe after another assaulted his eyes some with sequins others with glitter, and still more with rhinestones. The further Rumil pushed into the stand-alone closet the darker things became until Rumil could no longer see or feel any other hideous frocks that populated the closet. *** *** “So, do you think they’re having sex?” Orophin asked, rolling the dice. “Who?” asked Elladan. “Erestor and Glorfindel of course!” “What do you think Erestor looks like naked?” asked Haldir, trying to imagine the advisor without his robes. Just as Erestor’s robes were beginning to disappear, the image turned to one of Arwen without clothes on. The rise and fall of her breasts as she breathed deeply, her creamy white skin glowing softly in the moonlight. Her raven hair caressing the pillow, falling over the edge of the bed like a billowing waterfall. “Is it just me, or does naked Erestor look a lot like naked Arwen?” “Since when did Erestor have breasts?” asked Elladan. “Since when do you know what Arwen looks like naked?” asked Orophin. “it wasn’t on purpose, that is, I wasn’t meaning to, but, well, you see... okay so one day I was doing inventory in Lord Celeborn’s library, when I came upon a old and dusty chest. I thought there may be illuminations of naked women in it. But, I was wrong; there were magazines of naked women. The magazine that was on the top of the stack was one of Play Elf. I flipped through it and when I got to the center fold, there was a picture of Arwen, in a witch’s hat, using a stirring rod in a most inappropriate way.” “Wait, Celeborn had a magazine with a naked Arwen in it? Ew!” said Elladan, “why would he have something like that?” “Well, the hat was pulled down well over her face; it was kind of hard to tell that it was her.” “Have you ever done anything like that?” asked Orophin. “Like what?” “Like your sister, posing naked in a magazine or for an illumination?” “No! Why would you ask that?” “Well, a lot of times siblings are a lot alike.” “Are you exactly like your brother?” Elladan asked, gesturing towards Haldir. “No, not at all, I like my lembas buttered.” “And I’ll take mine dry,” said Haldir. “I like the knives” “I’m a bow kind of guy.” “I have fine taste.” “And I like things cheap.” “I like to stay up all night.” “I just want to sleep...with your sister!” Haldir gasped and clamped his hands over his mouth. ‘Where did that come from’ he wondered. “What did you say?” asked Elladan, surprise on his face. Haldir moved his hands away from his mouth slowly and took a slow steadying breath, “I said, I want to nail your sister!” his eyes widened at what he said and he held a hand over his mouth again. “You mean... to a tree?” “Haldir! That’s so barbaric!” said Orophin. “No, I don’t want to nail her to a tree. I... want to fuck the shit out of your sister!” “Haldir! You shouldn’t say such things, if I wasn’t so drunk, I’d be offended! So instead of skewering you, I will applaud!” he clapped his hands together. “Do you really want to fuck his sister?” Orophin asked. “Yes,” said Haldir. “But... why?” “I don’t know...” he tilted his head and looked into the sky, as if the moon would suddenly begin speaking to him and giving him all the answers to his problems. “I feel like doing something that doesn’t involve pouring more alcohol down my throat.” Elladan said as he stood. “Oh, I know, I know! Pick me, Pick me!!” “Orophin?” “Let’s go find a brothel!” “Why? Who’s getting married?” asked Haldir. *** *** “Oh...oooh...ooooooh...I just can’t get enough of you boy...oooooooooooh!!!” screamed Melpomaen to the heavens. Well, to the ceiling of Lady Galadriel’s tent. “Oh! I think I’m going to cum!” “Okay” Celeborn threw his head back and tightened his grip on Melpomaen’s hips as he spilled his passion into the willing warm vessel beneath him. His movements slowed and came to a stop. “well, that was fun.” “What do you mean ‘that was fun?’ we’re not done yet! I’ve only orgasmed six times.” “And you’re complaining why?” “I need my daily dosage of orgasms.” “What’s the daily dosage?” “Twelve now keep going!” Celeborn was surprised as Melpomaen began to move underneath him. Realization dawned on him, this wasn’t just the courtesy fuck. Having sex with Melpomaen was like wading waist deep into quicksand. Once you started, there was no going back. 6 hours and 6 orgasms later Celeborn lay sprawled across Melpomaen, panting, sweat pouring off his body. Suddenly Melpomaen’s ears perked up, he stood up and Celeborn’s limp and exhausted body fell to the floor with a thump. “Something’s wrong!” he said. “What could possibly be wrong?” asked Celeborn, his voice barely above a whisper. “I don’t hear any bitching.” “Why would you hear bitching?” “my lord, everyone knows Arwen is a big fat bitch, she’s the biggest bitch in the whole wide world.” “Ah.” “She must be in danger!” Melpomaen ran out of the tent and held his arms out, “come my animal friends!” *** *** Elsewhere in the woods, a small brown fawn was grazing in an open clearing. His ears perked up when he heard Melpomaen call for all the animal friends. He lifted his head and sniffed the air, running in the direction of the sweet feminine voice calling for his aid, he crossed a small stream and stopped to take a drink. The sound of an arrow being shot from a bow came singing through the air and straight through the eye of the fawn. It screeched and shook its head wildly about, then fell limp into the stream, his eye coming out of its socket and running down the now red river. The distinct sound of braying laughter could be heard through the forest as well as the sound of hoofs on the forest ground. *** *** Well, now back to Melpomaen and his animal friends... His arms were stretched wide and the echo from his call could be heard resounding through the forest. A small fox, a large owl, three little mice, and one hundred and one Dalmatians came to his aid. Celeborn then came out of the tent and looked at all the animals surrounding Melpomaen. “How did Dalmatians get in the forest?” “Don’t ask stupid questions, my lord.” said Melpomaen. He then turned to his animal allies, “have any of you seen the lady Arwen?” “I seen her!” said the large owl, raising her wing, “I seen her in the fo’est. She was kneelin on the ground and prayin to some weird penis lookin tree. If you ass me, that woman needs the lawd in her life. Then she wouldn’t be prayin to no tree.” “Which way is she Big Mama?” asked Melpomaen. “She that-a-way.” Said Big Mama, pointing in the direction of the tree. “Okay, we need everyone to help catch her. Um... what can you do?” he asked the fox. “ um, I can do this!” he began climbing up Melpomaen like he was a tree and sat on his head, curling up into a hat, his tail hanging down on the side of his head. “Aww how cute!” said Celeborn. The fox raised its head and hissed at Celeborn as he reached to touch it. He recoiled and looked at Melpomaen uneasily. “Okay, what can you... many puppies do?” Pongo whistled and all of the puppies began doing back flips and roundhouses. Showing off their ninja skills. Then one of the puppies fell over, Melpomaen ran to it and picked it up. It was dead. “Oh my gosh! What’s wrong with him? He died!” “Oh, don’t worry; he does this all the time. Give him a couple minutes, and he’ll be alive again.” Said Perdita. “Thank goodness” said Melpomaen. He then turned to the three little mice, “and what can you three do?” “Well, we can sew!” Melpomaen’s eyes lit up upon hearing this wonderful news, “in that case, while we are capturing the lady Arwen, you three can sew me a beautiful pink dress with pretty pink bows on it and a pink ribbon for my hair.” “We can do that!” the mice said and ran back into the forest. A small fat mouse stopped and turned back to Melpomaen, “do you have any cheese?” “I’m sorry, dear mouse, but I do not.” The mouse kicked his toe and ran off after the others, “ no good, dirty rotten, panty wearing, pansy!” he yelled as he disappeared into the forest. “Okay,” Melpomaen said, turning to the puppies, “go! Find the lady Arwen and bring her back here. Fly my puppies, fly, fly!!” he screeched, cackling like a wicked witch who turned green from eating too much asparagus. He then turned to Celeborn and smiled an evil smile. “It’s past midnight my lord. I need my daily helping of orgasms.” He walked back into the tent, dragging Celeborn with him. *** *** “Hearken to me ye spirits of Lucifer!” Arwen hissed at the penis tree. A large satyr stepped out from behind the tree and walked up to her. “My, aren’t you a cute little demon. What’s you’re name?” she asked. “My name is Satan...woo hoo. I’ve got little devil horns and a little goatee, and little devil specs to help a little devil see, and little cloven hooves that make it kinda hard to ski, I’m Satan!” Arwen clapped her hands together after the creature was done with his song. “How cute. Hey, since you’re Satan does that mean that you can help me with something?” “Of course, anything for one of my students. What did you need?” “Well, you see, I’ve been trying to use this spell on myself so I can fly, and it doesn’t seem to be working.” “hm.” Said Satan, pulling a broom from behind his back, “have you tried using a broom to defy gravity? Try using the spell on the broom.” “Oh, thank you Satan. The help is much appreciated.” She reached for the broom. When her hand enclosed around the length of if, a ninja star stuck into the wood. She turned in the direction that the star came from and saw a hundred ninja puppies flying effortlessly from limb to limb of the trees surrounding her. “Thaw she be! And thaw’s that penis tree, castrate it!!” screamed Big Mama. Five of the ninja puppies began throwing their ninja stars over and over at it until it fell crashing to the ground. Another puppy, who just so happened to be a fire bender with a hideous burn scar over her right eye, set it a flame. “No!!” screamed Arwen, “my penis!!” she mounted her broom and flew into the forest, dodging fireballs and ninja stars, and ninja stars on fire. She flew over a building in a clearing and turned her broom around. She landed in front of it and read the sign. “Strip club? What’s a strip club doing in the middle of a forest? O well. Hey, maybe they’ll let me watch! Or, better yet, I could earn a little extra cash. I could strip!” she said excitedly and rushed into the building. *** *** Elrond had been drinking all night long. Usually he was able to stomach multiple gallons of liquor, but tonight he must have packed the really strong stuff. He wasn’t sure what kind of wine PCP was supposed to be but the dwarf who had sold it to him had been a very convincing salesman. Now Elrond not only felt drunk but he began to see things that probably weren’t there. When he looked up into the sky he saw what looked like a shimmering dove or a star. As it got closer Elrond realized that it was neither a dove nor a star but rather a... thing, using any other word to describe it would be sinful. The thing lacked any visible nose and wore a shinny sequined glove on one hand and had on extremely tight pants. “I am your fairy-god thing.” The creature said in a voice that molested Elrond’s ears. “Come again?” “Your fairy-god thing. I grant wishes and the like, by the way do you have any children? “Yes, but they’re all grown up now, why?” “Oh, no reason I was just thinking of adding some new friends to my bedroom in Neverland. But never you mind that. I’m here to grant your wishes and make your dreams come true. So what do you want more than anything? Just imagine it in your mind. All you need to do is think of happy thoughts.’ The thing began to sing. “Think of Vodka, think of booze, think of glowing ruby shoes and bubbles in the sky! You can fly, you can fly, you can fly!!!.” Elrond closed his eyes and thought of all those things. *Elrond’s Fantasy* He saw himself arriving at the Grey Havens in a carriage shaped like a pumpkin (his favorite fruit) and greeted at the door by Gil-galad who presents him with a pair of ruby slippers that made Elrond look unabashedly gay. His date, Gil-galad lead him to the dance floor where he noticed Celebrian doing the Charleston with Thranduil. Later that night Elrond was crowned prom queen and given a beautiful tiara and the last rose of summer. When Elrond opened his eyes he was wearing a huge pink dress that must of had at least seventeen layers. There was a huge pink crown on his head, ruby slippers on his feet and a wand in his hand. But the most amazing thing was that Elrond was defying gravity, by means of an enormous pink bubble that encased his strikingly queenly figure. “Keep going!” called the fairy-god thing. “Second star to the right and all that jazz!” Elrond followed it’s directions until he lost all sense of everything. The fairy then turned to poor Bill the pony, who had blood-stained hooves. “Now that we’re alone how would you like to come to Neverland with me?” it touched Bill in a most inappropriate way. Bill the pony was so abhorred that he pulled out his hunting bow and shot the fairy in the face. If anyone asked he would just say that it looked like a quail, no one would think anything of this, his second kill of the night. *** *** ‘How exactly are we supposed to find a brothel in the middle of the forest?’ asked Elladan. ‘The star will guide us.’ Orophin said and pointed up at the sky, but there was nothing there. ‘I don’t see it, is it behind that big black thing.’ Haldir said, squinting up at the sky trying to see the stars. ‘You mean the sky?’ suggested Elladan. ‘Yeah, is it behind the sky?’ ‘No, I’m talking about the star,’ said Orophin, gesturing to the sky again, but nothing was there. He cleared his throat and said loudly, ‘I said, the star will guide us.’ *** *** It was Mardi gras in heaven... again. Everyone was boozing it up and having a good time. St. John the Beloved, who had taken communion decidedly too many times, took a long flowery garland and walked over to Jesus. Jesus was sitting at his desk, trying to come up with a way to feed the starving children of Africa, when St. John the Beloved came up behind him a placed a necklace of flowers around his neck and screamed ‘I laid Jesus!!!’ Jesus frowned and shook his head, deciding that he had had enough of this debauchery. With a flick of his saint fingers, St. John was transported out of his office and onto a balcony, where Mathew the Tax Collector, Joan of arc, and Marilyn Monroe sitting around a table. Mathew looked at him and patted the seat beside him. St. John went over to the table and sat down. ‘So, like I was saying, I can’t see why Jesus won’t let us ride unicycles,’ said Mathew. ‘I’m still hung up on the Jews not being able to eat pork,’ said Marilyn, extinguishing her cigarette. ‘I dunno, I think he’s starting to ease up on that ‘strong Christian overtones’ thing,’ said John, looking over at the ladies across the table from him. Marilyn and Joan were currently playing tonsil hockey with each other, and Joan seemed to be winning. ‘Yeah,’ said Mathew, his voice getting a little louder, ‘strong Christian overtones.’ He gave up trying to separate the two dueling women and looked over the balcony at the parade of glittering drag queens. He noticed Mary Magdalene among them, ‘hey Mary, show us your boulders!!’ He shouted, waving a rosary in the air. When she exposed her bosom, all of heaven was filled with a brilliant silvery light. *** *** A star broke through the din of night and shone down on a spot only a few yards from where the elves stood. ‘See, the star,’ said Orophin proudly, smiling at the other two elves. ‘Wow, where’d that come from?’ asked Elladan. ‘An old, old friend of mine,’ he chuckled. ‘So what are we going to do now?’ asked Elladan ‘We must follow the stars light to the exact location of the brothel,’ Orophin said, pointing toward the light. 2 hours and 0 orgasms later ‘We three elves or orient are, searching for that brothel a far,’ sang Haldir drunkenly. ‘I think we’re lost,’ said Elladan ‘Pah, I have a perfect sense of direction,’ stated Orophin, insulted at the very idea of him getting lost anywhere. ‘Yes, he does. He always told me that the sun rises in the west and sets in the east,’ stated Haldir. ‘I’m telling you, you should ask for directions,’ said Elladan, becoming impatient. ‘Fine,’ yelled Orophin and walked over to a group of animals sitting by a tree drinking and laughing. There was a Cougar wearing raver candy standing at the bar, a miniature dorky white chipmunk wearing a black leather corset, and a black and white cat, wearing glasses. The cat was talking to the chipmunk. ‘Bullshit, that scene was not too graphic for that story,’ said the cat, and the chipmunk and cougar laughed. They all stopped laughing and looked up as the three elves approached lead by Orophin. ‘Excuse me, my dear animals, can you please tell us the way to a brothel. I believe there is one somewhere in this forest.’ ‘ you’re looking for a brothel?’ the chipmunk asked, thinking of where one might be, ‘oh, well, there’s a place further up the forest path, passed a tree shaped like an Oliphant,’ she looked the three elves over, then dropped her drink and ran to Haldir and scurried up his pant leg, nesting in his crotch. ‘I found some nuts!’ called the muffled voice of the chipmunk from inside Haldir’s pants. ‘Get it out, get it out!!! Its biting me, it’s biting me!!!’ Haldir screamed running and jumping around, batting at the chipmunk. ‘Random, get out of his pants,’ said the bartending cougar. ‘Aww, fine,’ Random scurried out of his pants and back over to the group, ‘you’re no fun Spiral.’ ‘Don’t be mean,’ said the kitty, ‘we don’t even know these elves.’ ‘That’s never stopped her before Rouge,’ said Spiral. ‘Well,’ said Orophin, interrupting the animals, ‘thank you for the directions.’ ‘Do you have gold with you?’ Random asked. ‘What do we need gold for?’ ‘You can’t go to a brothel without gold.’ ‘Why not?’ asked Elladan. ‘Cause you’re not going to get any action without gold.’ ‘And the complimentary magic frankincense.’ Random tossed the elves a bag of gold and a bag of frankincense. They thanked the animals and walked away, grateful to have met their furry companions. ‘Wait you guys,’ said Haldir, stopping, ‘there’s something in my pants.’ He dug in his leggings and produced a small wooden box. ‘What’s that?’ asked Orophin and Elladan at the same time. Haldir opened the box and sniffed it. ‘It’s myrrh.’ *** *** Melpomaen and Celeborn were strolling through the forest. Well, Celeborn was more like limping through the forest while Melpomaen walked. “I wonder if my animal friends have located my Lady Arwen yet,” wondered Melpomaen aloud. “I wonder if you can bruise from so many orgasms...” wondered Celeborn aloud, but he kept limping after getting no response from Melpomaen. The source of his pain. After walking for a short while, Celeborn heard a faint rustling in the trees behind them. He turned to see what it was, but there was nothing there. He shrugged it off and kept limping. Unseen by the elves he was stalking, bill the pony slipped silently through the trees, making hardly a whisper or sound. He had already had two kills tonight and he was hoping to up his HP. If he didn’t level up, he would never be strong enough to beat Ansem at “End of the World.” But, just tracking the elves wouldn’t be enough. He had to bring out the big guns... well, sword to be more precise. Bill the pony leapt out of the bushes and attacked the obviously weaker elf. “My Lord!! Help me!!! Master Bill the pony is attacking me!!!” cried Melpomaen. “What am I supposed to do? It’s a pony!” said Celeborn, standing and watching Melpomaen being chased about by a pony with a key. “I don’t know!” he said trying to think while outrunning the pony, “seduce it!” “What?” Celeborn said, confused, “o-okay... hey pony.” He said in the most seductive voice he could muster. Knowing that he was trying to seduce a pony made it kind of hard. “What was that?!?” “I don’t know how to seduce an animal! I do not sleep with animals; does it look like I’m from Rohan? And my name is not rusty!” “Well, that’s surprising. Is the lady Galadriel not your wife?” “Does the goat want to be tied to the fence?” “Why would you want to tie the goat to the fence? Is something baaaad happening in oz?” “Something bad happening in oz? what’s an oz?” “I do not know, but I cannot keep outrunning this pony!” as Melpomaen had said he slowed down and bill the pony slashed out at him, tearing open his robe and avalanches of gay pornography came pouring out. This distracted the pony enough for Melpomaen to call forth another animal friend. This time a small razzmatazz hedgehog came rolling out of a bush and stopped at Melpomaen’s feet. It unrolled its self and looked up at Melpomaen, her short black hair with blonde streaks, her bright blue-ish, green-esque, would be hazel eyes... okay they were just damn pretty eyes, but moving on. A chain around her neck with a tiny plastic anthropomorphized blue hedgehog dangling from it. “You summoned me?” the hedgehog asked. “Yes, young hedgehog, can you do me a favor?” “Sure. Whatcha need?” “Can you seduce that pony with the key blade for me. It wants to kill me and I really don’t want to die. I haven’t had my yearly dosage of orgasms.” “Your yearly what? Ew!” she said, “never mind. My name is Avery by the way. So please don’t call me a hedgehog.” “Wait, aren’t you a hedgehog?” “Well, yes, but that doesn’t mean I want to be labeled as such.” “what kind of a forest is this?” asked Celeborn, watching Melpomaen converse with a small hedgehog the color of an old crayon box crayon that nobody really remembered anymore. Celeborn shook his head, it was a sad day when the colors of old were not remembered and celebrated with the colors of new. “Its sad, they stopped making that color after the second age.” He said, a little sadly. “so that’s what I need you to do,” said Melpomaen to the hedgehog. “no problem!” she said and went over to the still stunned pony, she reached out to touch him but, then the moon came out and the pony turned into a dorky, lanky, parachute pants wearing, big shoed, spiky haired, cheerful teenager. Avery the hedgehog screamed in agony at the site of a human and yanked her had away as if it burned. “He’s human!! I can’t seduce a human!! What do you take me for a tall silver haired, cute, big shoe wearing, darkness turning teenager who has the hotts for teenage boys that look like this?” she sighed in frustration, rolled into a ball and sped back off into the forest. Melpomaen and Celeborn took this chance to run into the forest before the now human version of Bill the pony could begin to attack them again. When they stopped running to catch their breath, they heard the snapping of twigs and looked behind them. The human Bill the pony came running into the space where they had stopped. “Stop! Don’t leave me, please! I need your assistance!” “What kind of assistance do you need?” asked Melpomaen, batting his eyelashes at the creature. He sauntered over to him and laid his hand on the ponies shoulder, squeezing it three times. “Why did you just squeeze my shoulder?” Bill the pony in human form asked. “It means, I love you,” Melpomaen said then proceeded to squeeze his shoulder in weird short and long squeezes conveying some sort of secret message to the human pony. “How can you say you love me? You don’t even know me!” “I know you served as the tenth member of the fellowship,” Melpomaen stated. “I heard you pooped in Aragorn’s shoes, and on Sam’s backpack, and in Gandalf’s hat and in Boromir’s horn. That’s why Aragorn and Legolas didn’t get to him in time to save him, because the horn was so full of shit that it wasn’t loud enough. Anyone whose defecation habits contribute to the death of an annoying asinine human is worthy of my love... and immense sexual prowess... oh yeah and you-” “Okay, I got it. I know. I was trying to get their attention. No one pays attention to a pony nowadays. But of course, I wasn’t always a pony. Oh, no. I used to be a human. My name was Sora... -Flashback- “Hey, Sora! I dare you to spy on Maleficent while she’s in the bathroom. See how much makeup it takes to make her face green like that!” said Goofy, taking another hit on the large nobody shaped hookah that was filled with weed. “Yeah, that would be great!” added Donald, laughing at the wall. “Okay. I bet it’s a lot,” Sora said, getting up from his large pillow. He tiptoed loudly over to Maleficent’s room and opened the door. She was already in the bathroom so he just walked over and opened it. He was taken aback by what he saw. Maleficent was in a large fuzzy pink bathrobe, singing into her toothbrush. “Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat? Wouldn’t you think my collections complete? Wouldn’t you think I’m a girl, a girl who has everything?” she was twirling and gesturing to random things on her counter. Like, makeup, toothpaste, a brush, and the most horrifying was an abnormally large metal vibrator with spikes on it. It was on and she went to go grab for it. Sora made a weird noise that sounded like an odd siren. Maleficent dropped her toothbrush and her vibrator, spinning around and coming face to face with a super high Sora staring like he just watched a weird movie where a girl crawled out of a well and came through his TV screen. “What are you doing in my bathroom?!?” she cried, pulling her robe closer to herself. “I uh... uh..... Uh...” “I curse you Sora! Listen well, you! You, princess, shall indeed grow in grace and beauty, beloved by all who know you. But, before the sun sets on your sixteenth birthday, you shall prick your finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel and die...die...die...die...” with that, she slammed the door in his face, shouted Die! and began singing again. -End flashback- “Well, the evening before my sixteenth birthday, I got a rather large gift. So, I opened it first and there was a spinning wheel inside. Then when I was running my fingers along it, I got pricked.” “Well, then shouldn’t you be dead?” asked Celeborn, not moved at all by the human pony’s story. “I wish I had died. But I have suffered a fate worse than death,” he stopped, for dramatic effect, took a deep breath, “I have been turned into a pony.” “Oh, I’m so sorry for you!” Melpomaen cried, tears running down his cheeks. “I think you should have been turned into a jackass.” Celeborn mumbled. “What was that?” asked Sora “Oh, nothing.” “Hm. Okay, well, I have something for you two.” “Oh oh oh!! What is it?” Melpomaen asked. “Well, he prefers to introduce himself,” said Sora. “He?” Celeborn asked. “Yes, he. Come on out!” Sora said, opening one of the numerous pockets in his black pants. A small rolled up parchment came jumping out of his pocket and started singing... “If there’s a place you gotta go, I’m the one you need to know I'm the map. I’m the map, I'm the map if there’s a place you gotta get, I could get you there I bet I'm the map. I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map!” he smiled and a piece of paper unfurled in front of their faces, “Celeborn and Melpomaen need to get to the Moulin Jew. They need to go through the garden of flesh eating flower, around the Lesbian Goat Milker, and over Candy Mountain. Yay!!” he rolled the piece of paper back up and jumped into one of the many porn infested folds of Melpomaen’s robes. “Well, in exchange for giving us this map, we shall give you a way to find a boyfriend,” stated Melpomaen. He reached into his robes a produced a medium sized fishbowl with two goldfish. “What am I supposed to do with goldfish?” asked Sora. “They’re not just regular fish silly.” The two fish jumped out of the bowl and turned into two fairly odd looking fairies. One with short indigo hair and one with red weird wispy hair. They had wands, and wings, floating crownie things. “To protect the world from devastation,” said the red haired one said. “To unite all peoples within our nation,” said the indigo haired one. “To denounce the evils of truth and love,” “To extend our reach to the stars above,” “Jesse,” “James,” “Team Fairies blast off at the speed of light,” “Surrender now or prepare to fight,” The map popped out of Melpomaen’s robe to say, “Meowth, that’s right,” then hid again. “Wow. I have fairy godparents now! Cool! Now maybe I can find a dirty blonde born again Christian from Texas!” Sora exclaimed happily. “Wow a fairy god child,” they said in unison, “now we can capture pikachu!” “What’s a pikachu?” asked Sora. “That’s not important. Just know that you’re going to catch us a pikachu.” “Is that like a hedgehog?” “Who wanted me?” asked Avery as she rolled back out of the forest. “There’s a rare pokemon! Catch it!” the odd fairies cried. “I choose you, Cher!” yelled Jesse “I choose you Joan Rivers!” yelled James. They both threw poke balls and out popped Cher and Joan Rivers. Cher hissed, “If I could turn back time.” “Botox. Darling your color is horrible it doesn’t match anything. Botox.” She coughed. “Is this all?” she asked as she unrolled and stood in a defensive stance. “Cher, use your hair morph now!” Cher opened her mouth and shot out a bright yellow light. “What now, I’m yellow bitch!” she yelled. Avery dodged the attack and laughed. “Voice pitch feminator attack.” Avery said and shot a large music note from her nose. It hit Cher straight in the adams apple. She screamed a very high pitched scream and fell over. “Joan Rivers, use Botox attack!” Joan puckered up her lips and shot a lip shaped beam of Botox at Avery. She dodged that too and laughed. “Toxob attack!” Avery shouted. The lip beam stopped and turned into a bright and sparkling Razzmatazz cloud of glitter. It shot back at Joan Rivers and all the Botox that was in her face was sucked out and into the cloud. Joan Rivers screamed and fell to the ground twitching. “Ha ha! I am victorious!” yelled Avery. Just then, a cute blonde guy with glasses and a goatee and a black and white striped shirt stepped out of the trees and looked around at the mess. “What happened here?” he asked. “Who are you?” Melpomaen asked, licking his lips. “I saw him first!” yelled Sora, running toward the guy. “Hi, I’m Edgar.” He said, a large anime sweat drop appearing on his head. While Melpomaen and Sora were fighting over the new guy, Avery was making her way over to him, eyes in the shape of hearts. “Uh…” said Edgar, noticing the advancing hedgehog, “who are you?” “I want to keep you,” said the hedgehog. “Uh, I have to go,” he turned and ran back into the forest, Avery on his heels. “Wait for me!” cried Sora, running after them both, “don’t leave me!” “Well, should we go?” asked Celeborn, looking around and only seeing Cher without an adams apple, and Joan Rivers shriveled up like a prune. “Sure!” said Melpomaen stepping on the bodies as he walked over to Celeborn. They both walked out of the clearing arm in arm. *** *** “Wouldn’t it be cool if all the Galadhrim rode on unicycles?” asked Haldir becoming bored with the silence of his companions. “That’s ridiculous! Can you imagine trying to defend the borders of your nation on a unicycle? How would you shoot your bow?” said Orophin, as he stopped and looked at his brother. Haldir also stopped and Elladan ran into him. “What’s wrong Elladan?” asked Orophin. “I was just thinking about my dark and haunted past,” Elladan said, turning away from the two and hugging himself as if he was cold, “it was eighteen years ago…” -Flashback- Elladan walked up to the large white and red striped tent, completely awestruck at its size. It was gynormus. He had never seen anything so huge. He walked up slowly toward the entrance, but stopped short when an oddly dressed man. His makeup made his lips seem several times larger than they truly were and his face whiter than his grandmother’s ass…not that he’d ever seen his grandmothers ass or anything. The clown had a multicolored afro. It peddled up to him and honked its nose, passing right by him. Completely dumbfounded, Elladan walked into the tent and almost cried out in ecstasy. There were weird men on unicycles all over the place. Riding around and running into each other. He walked into the center of the ring and watched as all the men on unicycles ride around him. He wanted to ride one so bad but he couldn’t see an empty one anywhere so he rushed one of the men riding one and knocked him off of it. He got on and began peddling. He peddled out of the tent and into the sunshine; he closed his eyes, feeling the sun on his skin, then he heard it. It was soft at first, just the faint sound of rustling wings as if a bird was flying overhead, then the sound grew louder and louder and the sounds of cooing could be heard mixed in. Elladan opened his eyes and turned his head to find thousands of pigeons chasing him. He screamed out in fear and peddled faster and faster. He kept looking back to see if he was getting away, but every time he looked it seemed the pigeons were flying faster and faster; getting closer and closer. He wasn’t paying attention to where he was going and the tire of the unicycle hit a rock. He went flying off the cycle and was swarmed by the pigeons; they tore at his robes and pecked at his face. He held his hands up to shield himself, but to no avail. The birds found the lembas he was carrying, took it, and his clothes, then flew away. -End flashback- Elladan looked over to his two companions and found them rolling around on the ground laughing so hard that tears were streaming down their faces. Haldir’s face was turning purple and Orophin was making weird gaspy- wheezy-snorting sounds. He stomped his foot in outrage and crossed his arms over his chest, “it’s not funny. It was actually a very horrible and traumatic experience!” he pouted. “O-o-okay,” Orophin tried to say between gasps, “k-keep telling yo- yourself th-that.” “Get up and let’s go!” said Elladan, he turned away from the pair and began walking away. The other two elves got up and followed him. They walked for about an hour in total silence. Then, something so terribly unspeakable happened…the whining began. “Are we there yet?” sighed Haldir, dragging his feet audibly on the ground. “No. now stop whining and be quiet,” said Orophin, sighing. “Isn’t there a faster way to get there?” asked Elladan. “Yes, there is,” said Orophin, “it all began last summer…” “Oh oh oh!” exclaimed Haldir, “I know what you did last summer, let me explain your flash back for you. So, Orophin was having sex with Melpomaen in the lady Galadriel’s pink bathroom…” -Flashback- Orophin had just finished with his sixth orgasm. He got off of Melpomaen and sprawled on the pink rug next to him, too tired to get up. “Wow Orophin, that’s the best sex that I’ve had since Thranduil. How can I ever repay you?” “Well, you could teach me how to do that one thing…” said Orophin, looking up at the ceiling. “Oh, well that’s easy, so you just have to learn to suppress your gag reflex-” “No not that thing!” Orophin interrupted, “do I look like a slut?” Melpomaen looked down at their naked bodies and replied. “Uh huh.” “Shut up!” Orophin said as he pushed Melpomaen away, “I want you to teach me how to call the animals. You know, to help you.” “Oh… that thing…”Melpomaen said a little dejectedly, “that’s kinda easy too. I learned how to do it from a magazine.” He reached over to his robes that were hanging on the side of the empty bath. It was a copy of Middle Earth Geographic. Orophin took the magazine from Melpomaen and looked at it confusedly. “What? This isn’t porn.” “oh ye of little faith!” he said happily, taking the magazine back from Orophin and opening it up to a picture of two naked tribal men wrestling in the dust. Their bodies glistening from the thin sheen of sweat, “see?” “What does that have to do with summoning the animals?” “I don’t know, but it came with this magical wand. Maybe it can help you.” Melpomaen said as he handed the wand to Orophin. “What do I do with this?” “How the hell should I know? I’m a bottom.” Orophin looked at Melpomaen and shrugged. -End flashback- “Wait!” Orophin said, thinking harder than he usually did, which needless to say wasn’t very hard to begin with, “how can you know my flashback if you weren’t there?” “Don’t try to make sense of the story, Orophin,” Haldir said dismissively, “the writers will be mad if you do.” “There are no writers,” said Orophin, in defense of himself. “Oh, are there not?” “What is that supposed to mean?” “How the hell should I know, I’m a bottom.” Haldir said, then whined, “are we there yet?” “Hang on, I’ll summon the animals!” said Orophin, pulling out the magic wand that Melpomaen had given him the summer before. He planted his feet and held his wand out, “I’m going to summon a herd of horses!” Nothing happened. “Um, a flock of pigeons?” Elladan flinched, but nothing happened. “Uh… I’ll summon a… um….” “A mongoose!” shouted Haldir. Still nothing happened. “Is this thing on?” asked Orophin as he tapped the wand onto his knee. A bright pink colored jet of light shot out of the wand and into the sky. There was a rustling noise, then a loud thud as the body of a huge eagle fell to the ground dead at their feet. “Orophin! You killed an eagle!!” Elladan shouted, staring and pointing at the large eagle. Orophin dropped the wand as if it burned his hand. “I didn’t mean it!” he said, looking from the eagle to Elladan, to Haldir, then back to the eagle. Suddenly, the eagle jumped up and looked from one elf to the other, then the other. “Are you hurt?” asked Haldir, approaching the eagle slowly. “My name is Helen Dekelleres,” it said, speaking slowly and annunciating each word in a strained voice. “Hello Helen!” said Orophin, waving at the large bird. It just stood there, not responding to the greeting, “I said, hello Helen!” he said again, louder this time. The bird just stared at him, “why aren’t you responding to me?” he yelled, hurt at the birds silence. “I can’t see anything!” the bird said, as thought talking to herself. “Why not?” asked Elladan. “Cause I’m blind.” “Oh, my that’s so unfortunate.” “What?” “I said oh my that’s so unfortunate.” “I can’t hear anything either.” “Why not?” “Because I’m deaf.” “Wait, if you’re deaf, how are you talking to me?” “I said I was deaf not dumb.” “No, I mean how can you hear me.” “I don’t know!!” the bird exclaimed, shaking her head and flapping slightly, “but I’m scared!” “Hey guys! Master Melpomaen once showed me how to speak to animals and people by squeezing their shoulders in various patterns.” Said Haldir stepping up to the eagle and placing his hand on her shoulder. He squeezed what he thought was hello. “What? You’re too sexy for what?” she asked. “What did you say to her?” asked Elladan. “I thought I said hello, but I guess not.” “Hmm. Maybe signing into her talon would work.” Said Orophin approaching the bird and grabbing for her leg. He picked it up and put his hand into the talon. He began signing. “Hello Helen. Would you mind terribly if we got a ride on you to the Brothel?” ‘What kind of a forest is this?’ the eagle thought. She shrugged and turned Orophin’s hand over and began to sign into it. “Sure. Hop on. How do I get there?” “Okay, she said we can get a ride guys!” he motioned for his two companions to get onto the eagle. Then flipped the talon over, “just follow the star, eagle, follow the star!” with that he jumped on the eagles back and it soared off into the night. *** *** “Shouldn’t we be coming up to our first stop soon?” asked Celeborn. “How should I know?” asked Melpomaen. “Check the Map.” “My lord, everyone knows that bottoms can’t read maps.” “What does being the receiving partner in a homosexual relationship have to do with ones ability to read maps?” “What exactly are you getting at my lord?” “I’m just trying to understand our sexual dynamic.” “Just like a top to make things dirty.” “We’re elves, should we really be entangling ourselves with all these labels?” “But we’re gay my lord.” “Never mind, just give me the map” said Celeborn holding his hand out. Melpomaen began digging in the folds of his robes, looking for the map, but he couldn’t find it. “I don’t have the map my lord. It seems to be missing. Time to call some more animal friends.” Melpomaen said, he walked a little ways away from Celeborn and held out his arms. “Come my anim--” he began, but a fly flew down his throat and choked him. He coughed till the fly came out, then looked around. There was a tall, blonde, and handsome man standing in the forest with them. He was wearing all black, had a large sword attached to his back, and his hair looked like it was cemented in place, “what are you?” “I am Cloud,” said cloud. “(Cloud poem)” “Um, Melpomaen, this is not an animal,” stated Celeborn matter-of- factly. “Of course not you silly, this is a person.” Melpomaen knelt before cloud and poked his crotch, “well, he may not be an animal, but he’ll do.” He got up and turned his back on cloud. Cloud, feeling violated, pulled his sword and slashed at Melpomaen, ripping open another fold of his robes and another avalanche of gay porn, and the map, came tumbling out. The map was reading Middle Earth Geographic and was currently looking at a picture of two naked tribal men wrestling in the dust. Their bodies glistening from the thin sheen of sweat. “Sweet Sanjaya,” mumbled the map. “There’s the map,” cried Melpomaen, “hey, he’s reading my porn!” Melpomaen began frantically picking up all the porn that had fallen out. He had lost too much already in the last battle with Bill the Human Pony, he couldn’t lose anymore. As he was picking up a small stack, cloud discretely picked some up and tucked it away in his ass. “Dare I ask what you are doing in this forest?” asked Celeborn, smoking a pipe contemplatively. “I’m cutting myself,” said cloud, using his large sword to slice open his arms as an example, “God may love me…but I don’t!” he said, making the sign of the cross then cutting himself again. “Why are you so anti-Cloud?” asked Melpomaen, still gathering up his porn. “Because, I’m having punctuation problems,” mumbled cloud. “What?” asked Celeborn. “I’m having punctuation problems,” he said, a little louder this time. “You’re having trouble writing something?” asked the map, looking up from the pornography. “No, I…” he said, quietly, then dropped his voice and whispered, “I’m on my period.” “What?” all three asked in unison. “I said I’m on my period!” Cloud screamed. All three were silent. Melpomaen and Celeborn stared at each other and the map just looked at his porn, giggling silently. “babble babble bitch bitch rebel rebel party party sex sex sex and don’t forget the violence blah blah blah got your lovey dovey sad and lonely stick your stupid slogan and everybody sing along.” chanted the map. “You’re not making me feel any better!” cloud said, a tear streaming down his face. Celeborn stopped paying attention to the conversation taking place in front of him and surveyed his surroundings. He noted that there were lots of pretty colored flowers but they just seemed really odd, “wait, map, what did you say our first stop was?” “The Garden of Flesh Eating Flowers.” “Didn’t we see a sign for that like five miles back?” asked Melpomaen, finally gathering up the last of his gay porn and stuffing it back into his robes. Melpomaen stood and looked up into a giant vagina-esque tulip. The tulip had large white teeth and was drooling. “What’s that?” asked Cloud, eyeliner running down his cheeks from the tears. “Um, I think that’s a flesh eating flower,” said the map. “Hm… I kinda imagined it differently,” said Celeborn. He tilted his head to the side, examining the flower as bubbles came out of his pipe. The tulip shot its tongue out, wrapped it around Melpomaen’s ankle, and began to pull him in. “My Lord!! Help me!!! Mistress Flesh Eating Tulip is trying to eat me!!!!” cried Melpomaen. “Don’t you know how to save yourself?” asked Cloud. “How should I know? I’m a bottom.” “You know there’s only one way to save yourself from a vagina,” said the map. “Oh, I know!!!” said Melpomaen, he pulled out his Platinum Excalibur dildo and threw it to Celeborn, “use this!!” the dildo went flying through the air and hit Celeborn in the eye. “Ah! My eye!!” screamed Celeborn, dropping to the ground, and holding his eye. “I’ll save you!” cried Cloud and began slicing up his arms. “How do you expect to save me when you can’t even save yourself?” “You know what? You’re right. I should write a poem about this.” Cloud sat down in the middle of the garden and began writing about how he couldn’t save himself from his horrible torment. With Celeborn taken out by a dildo and cloud sitting writing poetry, the only one left to save him was…the map. But, sadly, the map was still engrossed in the gay porn that he confiscated from Melpomaen. So, with no one left to save him, it looked like certain doom for our painfully gay bottom. But suddenly, from out of the sky, a large eagle carrying three very drunk elves landed in the garden and spread her large flannel wings. The tulip that was currently trying to eat Melpomaen spit him out and smiled at the large bird. “Hey, this isn’t the Brothel,” said Elladan. “No, its not. It’s the Garden of Flesh Eating Flowers,” stated Haldir matter-of-factly. “What kind of a forest is this?” asked Orophin, “and why did the eagle land here?” “She must have smelled something,” said Elladan, “being deaf and blind heightens her other senses. “But what could she smell in a garden of flowers?” asked Haldir. “Um, flowers?” said Orophin. The conversation between the elves on the eagles back went unnoticed by the eagle and the flower, for they were too engrossed in each other. The eagle shook and threw the three very drunk elves from her back. She approached the tulip slowly, lifting one of her wings toward the flower. Music began to play softly around them and the Helen dekeleres began to sing, “what would I give to live where you are? What would I pay to stay here beside you? What would I do to see you, smiling at me? Where would we walk? Where would we run? If we could stay all day in the sun? just you and me, and then I’d be, part of your world!” the last note was screeched so loud that the elves recoiled. The tulip smiled, a large drip of drool landing in Melpomaen's hair. “ Ah! My ears are bleeding!!!!” Haldir screamed. “ Oh! The stigmata!” cried Elladan “ Ai dios mio!” cried Orophin suddenly the heavens were split in two, down came the thrown upon which sat the holiest being that ever was, the creator, the Lord. Oprah. “yes?” she asked, “ how may I help my creations? Ask and you shall receive.” “okay, hold on, group meeting!” called Celeborn. Orophin, Haldir, Elladan, Cloud, and Melpomaen huddled together. “okay,” Celeborn said, “what are we going to wish for?” “ don’t we all have our own wishes?” asked Haldir. “yes, but don’t you think we should ask for good things?” asked Orophin. “okay, so I’ll ask to end world hunger,” said Elladan. “ and I’ll ask for peace amongst the nations,” Haldir. “and I’ll ask that we all find our own happiness,” said Celeborn “and I’ll ask for all booze to disappear from this land,” said Orophin. “ and I’ll ask for more space on my arms to cut myself,” said cloud. “and I’ll ask for “ the pack” we may need it to keep things in later in the trip,” said Melpomaen. “okay, then ready? Break!” said Celeborn, clapping his hands, “okay, oprah, we have our wishes. I wish for a bottle of Viagra,” he looked to Melpomaen, sighed, then turned back to oprah, “ you have no idea what I go through.” “wish granted.” She said. “okay, I want the sorcerer's stone!” cried Haldir. “wish granted,” oprah said. “I wish for Double D’s!!” cried Melpomaen excitedly, jumping in the air and waving his hands. “what?” asked oprah, “ but you’re a guy.” “yes, and I’m gay.” “what does that have to do with anything?” “how should I know? I’m a bottom!” “okay, fine, wish granted.” She waved her hand and two lovely lady lumps appeared on Melpomaen's chest. “ I wish for a diamond incrusted bottle of Vaseline.” Said Orophin. “wish granted.” “now all my dreams will come true!” “I wish for cookies!” cried Elladan. “uh… okay, wish granted.” Elladan took the cookies and scarfed them down, as if he had never eaten before in his life. “I wish...” cloud paused for dramatic effect, “to be straight!” he cried. Everyone, including oprah, burst into fits of laughter. Cloud looked at everyone and began to cry…again. He ran into the forest screaming something about no one getting him and that he was going to cut himself. “and I want Boku wa kuma.” “you want what?” asked oprah, not quite sure what them map was asking for. “Boku wa kuma!” shouted the map. “um… okay. Wish granted,” she waved her hand and the map turned into a fluffy beige, almost white, toape-ish colored bear, “ hence forth you will be known as Snuggles to all.” She then began to ascend back into heaven, singing to herself, “I’m a genie in a bottle baby, gotta rub me the right way hunney, I’m a genie in a bottle baby, come, come, come on and let me out.” Then she was gone. All of them decided to keep walking after the Lord Oprah ascended into heaven. Finally, they got to the end of the field of flowers and saw a woman sitting on a stool, milking a goat. “hello there,” said Celeborn. “I, am a lesbian. I think therefore I lick pussy.” “uh… ew,” said Melpomaen, “what are you doing here?” “milking a goat. Can you not see the goat in front of me?” “at two in the morning?” asked Elladan. “yes, but I’m tired, I think I should go to bed now.” ”bed is for Satan worshipers,” said Orophin. “all hail our master of darkness,” she replied and stood, knocking over the goat that was tied to a small piece of fence. “why is the goat tied to the fence?” asked Haldir. “because something Baaaaad is happening in oz,” said the lesbian, squinting. “well, we must be on our way then,” said Celeborn “wait,” said the lesbian, “take this. It should aid you on your travels,” she threw a purple colored bag at Celeborn, who caught it one handed. “what is that for?” asked snuggles. “I don’t know. I just thought you could use it.” The backpack came alive in Celeborn's arms, causing him to throw it to the ground. The backpack opened his eyes and began singing. “backpack, backpack, backpack, backpack. I’m the backpack loaded up with things and knickknacks too.” The bag began singing and snuggles glared at him, and pulled a flamethrower behind form inside of Melpomaen's robes. “anything that you might need I-” the backpack stopped singing and began screeching in pain. It was on fire and was rolling around on the ground, trying to put itself out. All the other elves just stood and watched it. The map began chanting, “ would you light my candle?” he pulled a candle out from Melpomaen's robes and lit it by the fire of the burning backpack. As the screams died down and the bag stopped writhing, they all looked to the lesbian, but she and her goat had vanished into the night. “alright then, off we go!” said Celeborn. “but how do we know which way to go?” asked Haldir. “do you think the map still works?” asked Orophin. “I don’t know, throw it on the ground and see if it points north!” yelled Elladan. “okay,” Melpomaen picked it up and let it drop to the ground. It didn’t do anything, “stupid map.” “well, fungus always grows on the side of the tree that faces the houses of prostitution,” said Orophin. “what? I thought it grew on the north side?” asked Melpomaen. “shh! You’re a bottom. How would you know? Anyway, we follow the mushrooms!” he cried, and before anyone could protest, ran in the direction that the fungus was growing. They walked for what seemed like hours without orgasms, but was really only twenty minutes, when they came a cross a huge pink mountain. There were letters on it and a bunch of large pieces of candy attached to it. “what kind of a forest is this?” asked Elladan. “where are we?” asked Melpomaen, his eyes were lit up like a kid having his first orgasm. “we are at Candy Mountain,” said snuggles. “really?” asked Orophin. “yes. That is where we are.” They walked up to the mountain, but the letters came alive and surrounded them. “ we demand a sacrifice in order to pass over our mountain.” “what would be required of this sacrifice?” asked Melpomaen. “unlimited sex for eternity.” Snuggles stepped forward, “ I accept your terms,” then he turned to the group of elves, and whispered, “fly, you fools.” They ran past him and over the mountain, but Celeborn was trying to save snuggles. “nooo, snuggles.” Cried Celeborn. Orophin came and threw Celeborn over his shoulder and ran over the mountain. They ran until snuggles screaming was very faint, then stopped to rest. Celeborn broke down into tears cursing the letters for wanting snuggles as a sacrifice. “he was a good bear… a soft bear. And we will miss him,” he said, sniffling. “ we must press on, we cannot stay here,” said Orophin. They all got up and began walking again. Their map was gone so they had no clue as to where they were going. Then the star that Orophin had conjured earlier broke through the trees and into a clearing. There was a large building with a red mill and a bedroom shaped like an Oliphant. Suddenly a dwarf dressed as a nun in a loincloth came up to them. “come this way, pressiousss,” he said. His voice in a harsh whisper. The five elves followed him into the brothel. There were lights everywhere and so many girls dancing around. Then the room went silent and confetti fell from the ceiling. A beautiful girl on a swing descended from above somewhere, wearing a silver dress and top hat. “that,” said the nun in the loincloth, “ is the sparkling diamond.” “For isreal!” she shouted and flashed her breasts. The room filled with light, and then, they were plunged into darkness. The End. To Be Continued…