Title: Never Trust an Elf
Author: Tinker Bell (kellywischerath at gmail.com)
Pairing: Éomer/Haldir
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Haldir seduces a king or two.  PWP smut…yay!
Disclaimer:  I’m not Tolkien, I just borrow his elves.
Notes: Written for mano mardenna at the Library of Moria Forums, since she 
wanted to see Haldir with a filthy human (and strawberries!).  Many thanks to 
Trignifty for the beta, and for telling me that “lustful curiosity” was now a real 
emotion.



Obscene.

That was the perfect word for what that damned elf was doing.

The young King of Rohan pushed his food around his plate, wishing at that 
moment that Haldir really had perished at Helm’s Deep. Damn Legolas for 
finding him still alive once the battle was over, and bringing him straight to 
the healers. Éomer would certainly be much more content at that moment, not 
to mention more comfortable below the waist, if Haldir wasn’t around.

Éomer looked back to where Haldir was sitting at Aragorn’s banquet table. He 
nearly dropped his fork when he saw the elf reach for a strawberry on his plate 
and push it gently past his lips, wrapping them around the luscious fruit before 
taking a bite. Éomer had never seen someone eat so obscenely – every move 
was suggestive. Haldir didn’t even appear to notice that half the table was 
staring at him as he ate, or if he did, it didn’t faze him in the least. The young 
king’s eyes darted back to the plate in front of him – his food uneaten. He 
wondered if Haldir was putting on this show for someone in particular, or if 
he just liked the attention he was getting.

Éomer looked back towards the elf. Either way, he thought, his shenanigans 
were becoming increasingly annoyi –

Wait, did Haldir just look at him?

Éomer looked away momentarily, only to see Haldir’s eyes focused in his 
direction when he glanced back, just as the elf was beginning to suck the 
sweet red juice off his long, pale fingers.

Oh those fingers….

Damn.

Éomer shifted in his seat as he found the elf’s gaze flickering towards him 
every few seconds, continuing to lick now non-existent juice from his hands. 
The king almost groaned out loud as he caught a glimpse of Haldir’s tongue as 
it wrapped around a pinky. When the elf finally finished with his fingers, he 
shot another glance towards Éomer, accompanied with a knowing smirk.

Éomer nearly choked, and let out a pathetic cough. He felt a hand slap roughly 
against his back, and turned to his other side to see Aragorn looking slightly 
concerned.

“Are you well, my friend?” the king asked, removing his hand as Éomer 
stopped coughing.

“It’s nothing,” Éomer shook his head. “Just swallowed a bit too quickly, that’s 
all.”

Aragorn said nothing, though he could tell Éomer hadn’t eaten a thing on his 
plate.

Daring to look back at the fiendish elf, Éomer saw that Haldir looked a bit 
sad, staring down at his now empty plate, a sharp contrast to Éomer’s. Haldir 
looked up towards him, and Éomer suddenly felt the strange desire to give the 
elf the food from his own plate, just for the experience of being able to see 
him eat again.

He didn’t have the chance though. With a pointed glance towards a bowl of 
fruit sitting on the other side of the table, Haldir pushed his chair back and 
stood up, murmuring his excuses to Legolas, who sat beside him. He paused 
then only to smile and wink in Éomer’s direction, then left the hall quickly. 
The young king let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding, and 
leaned back in his chair.

Had Haldir been eating like that on purpose? It certainly had been suggestive. 
Éomer felt a strange urge to get up and follow the elf, but if he stood up now, 
everyone else at the table would be able to see just how much the elf’s 
performance had affected him. So he remained in his seat, oblivious to 
anything around him. His eyes were locked on the bowl of fruit Haldir had 
glanced at – a bowl filled with ripe red strawberries along with pieces of 
melon. After a moment, Éomer realized that looking at the fruit was doing 
nothing to repress his arousal, so he tore his eyes away and tried to focus 
instead on Aragorn speaking next to him. The king was discussing some sort 
of trade negotiation – thankfully, it was something Éomer found quite boring.

About twenty minutes later, Éomer deemed that it was now safe to excuse 
himself. He leaned over to Aragorn, explaining that he did not feel well, and 
needed to return to his guest rooms.

“You did not eat much, Éomer,” Aragorn commented, looking down at his 
friend’s plate. “Was the food not to your liking?”

Éomer shook his head and muttered something about how he was sure the 
food was fine, but that he had not felt well enough to eat anything. In part, this 
was true, as he hadn’t been able to look at the food in front of him after 
watching Haldir.

“Well, if you find that you desire something to eat after this, the servants in 
the kitchens would be more than happy to provide you with anything you’d 
like.”

Éomer stood up and thanked Aragorn, nodded to several others around him, 
then left the hall. However, his steps did not lead him back to his rooms, nor 
did they lead him to where he knew Haldir was staying.

He only hoped the kitchen’s entire stock of strawberries had not been laid out 
on the banquet table that night.



* * * * *


Twenty minutes later Éomer found himself outside the elf’s room with a 
covered bowl in one hand. 

The young king kept muttering to himself that Haldir really had been putting 
on a show for him at dinner, and that Haldir was probably expecting him to 
show up here. Gathering his courage, he knocked on the elf's door.

He heard the muffled sounds of movement on the other side of the door, 
followed by a shout of "Enter!"

Pushing the door open, Éomer was completely unprepared for the sight that 
awaited him.

Haldir was sprawled out on a white divan facing the window looking away 
from him, clad only in a red robe which left very little to Éomer's imagination. 
He nearly dropped the bowl in his hands as Haldir shifted to sit up, revealing 
much more than a glimpse of a muscular thigh. 

"I was getting worried, thinking you weren't com-” Haldir turned to look at 
him. "Éomer?"

Éomer didn't catch the slightly surprised look that crossed Haldir's face as the 
elf saw him there. The young king's eyes were still hoping for another glimpse 
of pale skin below the robe. When Éomer managed to bring his gaze back up 
to meet Haldir's, he only saw a lustful curiosity there.

"Your...er...performance at dinner had me intrigued..." Éomer remarked, 
watching the elf stand up, the red fabric clinging to his body.

"Did it now?"

The elf sauntered over to where the Rohirrim stood with the covered bowl. 
Éomer found himself wondering just how Haldir could make a simple act like 
walking become so utterly sexy.

Walking like that really ought to be outlawed. Truly, it was doing dangerous 
things to Éomer's body.

"Mmm, did you bring me something, Éomer?" Haldir almost purred.

"I thought you might have not gotten your fill of fruit at dinner tonight," 
Éomer said, holding out the bowl to Haldir.

"Well, this evening is full of surprises then!"

Haldir set the bowl done on a small night table and uncovered it, revealing 
ripe strawberries. The elf reached down and picked the largest piece of fruit 
and brought it up to his lips. After taking a bite from the lush fruit, he offered 
a piece to Éomer, who shook his head.

"My enjoyment of the fruit comes from watching you eat it, Haldir," Éomer 
smirked, relaxing a bit. "I don't have the *skill* you possess..."

"That is a shame, my friend."

Haldir picked up another large strawberry and moved across to another table 
where a small dagger lay. Grabbing the dagger, he moved back to the divan 
and sat down. 

"Is there nothing I can do to entice you?" 

Éomer watched as Haldir cut the strawberry into slices. Shifting back on the 
divan, the elf spread his legs so that only his groin was left covered by the red 
robe. Haldir's powerful thighs were now fully exposed to Éomer's eyes, and 
the young king was nearly salivating as Haldir held out a strawberry slice to 
him.

"Come now, Éomer," Haldir beckoned. "Once you taste the fruit, your 
resistance will disappear."

Éomer knew better than to think that Haldir was referring only to the fruit as 
he spoke, as he knew full well that once he'd sampled Haldir, he wouldn't be 
able to stop feasting on his luscious skin.

He moved toward the elf and dropped to his knees between Haldir's spread 
thighs. He moved his hands so that they rested on Haldir's knees and leaned 
forward to eat the strawberry Haldir offered him. He wasn't sure what tasted 
better, the fruit or Haldir's skin as his tongue flicked out to catch the juice 
there.

"See? That wasn't so bad..." Haldir smiled and reached out to thread his 
fingers in Éomer's hair. He used his grip to pull the king forward so that their 
mouths finally met. 

Éomer wasn't surprised that Haldir's mouth tasted like ripe fruit mixed with 
his own unique flavor. It was intoxicating and Éomer pressed harder against 
Haldir's mouth, using his tongue to delve as deep as he could. The fact that the 
elf's tongue fought for dominance with his own only excited the king more.

"Surprising indeed," Haldir murmured when the kiss ended. He looked down 
at the King of Rohan kneeling before him. "I must say that the image of a 
flushed king of men is causing less-than-decent thoughts to cross my mind."

Éomer smiled. Two could play this game.

He moved his hands from their places on Haldir's knees and began to slowly 
draw them along the elf's inner thighs towards his groin. The evidence of 
Haldir's arousal was evident, and Éomer was sure his own member was 
responding in a similar manner.

"Less-than-decent thoughts?" The hands moved closer to Haldir's arousal. 
"Would you care to elaborate?"

Haldir threw his head back and laughed softly - his silver-blond hair spreading 
around him on the edge of the couch.

"Seeing you on your knees like that...you're in a most opportune position."

This elf certainly was wicked, Éomer thought.

"Mmmm, opportune position....for what?"

Éomer's hands continued up underneath where the robe covered Haldir's 
groin. His fingers touched the soft hair around Haldir's arousal and he heard 
the elf groan softly.

"For tasting me, Éomer...that is, unless you prefer the taste of strawberries to 
elf?"

Unable to resist the challenge in Haldir's eyes, Éomer pushed the red silk out 
of the way, revealing Haldir's erect member to his eyes. He leaned forward 
and bestowed a long lick on the hard flesh, making sure to pass over the tip of 
Haldir's member in order to taste him.

"You taste far better, my elf," Éomer said quickly before returning to his task.

"Then by all means," Haldir breathed out as Éomer bent down to take the tip 
of his arousal into his mouth, "taste more of me." 

And Éomer did just that. The young king took his time licking Haldir's stiff 
flesh, thoroughly coating it with wetness before sliding his mouth completely 
over his arousal. The elf let out a soft moan once his flesh was completely 
enclosed in Éomer's mouth.

For the next few minutes Éomer alternated between sucking leisurely on 
Haldir's flesh and licking up and down the entire length. Haldir's hands 
remained in Éomer's hair, but didn't force the king's movements. For Éomer, 
the sensation of Haldir dragging his fingers through his hair only added to his 
enjoyment of the elf's arousal.

As the sensation of Éomer's warm mouth started to become too much for 
Haldir, the elf guided the young man off his flesh and pulled him forward so 
that their mouths locked together once more.

"Éomer..." Haldir whispered after releasing Éomer's mouth, "that was divine."

"Then why did you stop me so suddenly, my wicked elf?"

"Because," said elf smirked, "there is so much more we could be doing..."

With a wink at the young king, Haldir pulled Éomer to his feet and both stood 
up. Haldir nudged the man in the direction of the bed and both shed their 
clothes along the way. By the time Éomer was pushed back onto the mattress, 
both were naked.

Each spent a moment admiring the form of the other; Haldir taking in the 
golden skin of the king as well as the slight dusting of hair that covered 
Éomer's chest, arm, and legs, not to mention the proud length that stood erect 
between the man's powerful thighs. Éomer, for his part, was entranced by the 
smooth pale skin the elf possessed, such a contrast to his own weathered skin.

The young king reached up to pull his elven companion down alongside him, 
but Haldir shook his head, smiling. Instead of joining the man, Haldir walked 
over to the small table where the bowl of strawberries sat. He picked up the 
bowl along with the small dagger then made his way back to the bed.

"You've not yet had your fill of fruit tonight?" Éomer asked, leaning up on his 
elbows to see what the elf was up to.

"I can never get enough," came the elf's reply as he knelt down beside Éomer, 
setting the bowl on the night table. "Especially when you seem to 
become...inspired...by my eating them."

To make his point, Haldir picked a large strawberry from the bowl and 
brought it to his lips, running his tongue around the luscious fruit. Éomer 
could just imagine those lips doing the same to his own flesh and his loins 
twitched in response to that thought.

Slowly, Haldir sucked the fruit into his mouth, causing Éomer's breath to 
quicken. Suddenly however, Haldir bit into the ripe flesh of the fruit and 
Éomer flinched involuntarily. Éomer sincerely hoped that specific action was 
reserved for the fruit alone. 

When Haldir had finished eating the fruit, his lips were nearly as red as the 
strawberries, creating the most erotic image Éomer had seen in quite some 
time.

The man tried to control his breathing as he watched Haldir stand up again 
and walk towards a dresser in the room - watching the play of muscles in the 
elf's shapely backside as he walked. When Haldir returned he carried a small 
bottle, undoubtedly filled with something to ease their next act. Climbing back 
onto the bed, Haldir straddled Éomer's thighs, grinning as he felt the king try 
to buck up beneath him in order to bring his heated flesh into contact with any 
part of Haldir's body.

"What would be your pleasure, Éomer?" he asked as he removed the stopper 
in the bottle of oil.

"Mmmm, something tells me you already know what you'd like me to say," 
Éomer replied breathlessly.

"Perhaps..." Haldir poured a generous amount of oil onto his fingers.

"Then I shall leave it up to you, my wicked elf..."

"Very well..."

Éomer closed his eyes as Haldir shifted above him. Expecting the elf to part 
his legs to prepare him, the man was surprised when a warm mouth enveloped 
his arousal instead. Opening his eyes, he moaned at the site of Haldir's red lips 
around his hard flesh. Seeing Haldir's arm moving, Éomer looked back and 
nearly spent himself when he saw that Haldir was preparing *himself*.

"You are too much..." the king groaned, throwing his head back and 
abandoning himself to the sensations Haldir was providing.

After a moment, Haldir released Éomer's stiff flesh and used more oil to coat 
the king's arousal thoroughly. Before Éomer could position himself, Haldir 
moved to straddle his waist and began to lower himself onto Éomer's arousal. 
The man's hands flew to Haldir's hips when the elf rested fully on his thighs.

Haldir truly was 'fit for a king', Éomer thought as his flesh was taken fully into 
the elf's body. All other thoughts soon left Éomer's mind as Haldir began to 
rock himself back and forth on the man's arousal.

After several moments, when Haldir's movements on top of Éomer started to 
become erratic, the king decided that the elf had been in control long enough. 
He brought his hands up behind Haldir's back and quickly flipped them both 
over so Haldir was now sprawled on the bed beneath him. A delightful groan 
came from Haldir as Éomer began to thrust into his body - something the man 
had not been able to do when Haldir was impaled on him.

Relishing the control he now had, Éomer varied his thrusts to draw out the 
experience for both. Soon however, he felt himself nearing release and, not 
wanting to deny the elf his own pleasure, brought a hand up to wrap around 
Haldir's flesh, stroking him in time with his own rapid thrusts. A moment 
later, Haldir shuddered and spent himself between their bodies with a long 
moan.

The elf's hands tangled in Éomer's hair, pulling the king down for tongue-
twining kiss as Haldir found his release. Feeling the evidence of Haldir's 
pleasure on his hand and the sensation of Haldir's shudders reverberating 
through his own flesh caused Éomer to achieve release soon after.

Haldir kept their mouths locked together as their tongues twined around each 
other. As Éomer's flesh softened once more however, the man found he could 
no longer hold himself up and he collapsed next to Haldir on the bed. 
Glancing over at the elf, Éomer saw a sated smile on his companion's face, 
and knew his own expression was probably similar.

Sated was an understatement.


* * * * *


Once Haldir had recovered enough to move, he got up from the bed and 
poured two glasses of wine from a decanter on the dresser. He brought the 
glasses back to the bed where Éomer lay watching him. The elf settled himself 
back next to the Rohirrim king, toasting him silently.

'To a most worthwhile night,' Éomer thought to himself. He was about to say 
this out load to Haldir when a knock sounded at the door.

Before the young king could look questioningly at Haldir, the elf called out 
for the visitor to enter. The door creaked open and Éomer heard someone 
approaching the bed, but it was too dark for him to make out the visitor.

"I'm sorry, Haldir," the guest remarked, moving closer. "The kitchens were 
out of strawberries when I went down there. It appears that someone else ha- 
oh!"

Éomer gasped when the visitor stepped into the dim light the surrounding 
windows cast on the bed. Aragorn stood over the bed looking down at him 
and Haldir with an amused expression on his face. A quick glance at the 
nightstand revealed the whereabouts of the missing strawberries.

"Well, I guess I know now who beat me to the strawberries!" Aragorn 
laughed, and to Éomer's surprise, so did Haldir. The young king turned and 
shot a questioning glance at the elf, but Haldir was still chuckling.

Embarrassed, Éomer tried to rise from the bed but was held in place by 
Haldir's strong arms which prevented him from leaving.

"My apologies, Aragorn," he muttered, trying to avoid looking at the King of 
Gondor.

"Apologies for what, my friend?" said Aragorn, bemused. "You're certainly 
not responsible for the effect Haldir's little performance at dinner had on you. 
Am I not standing here as well?"

"It appears I set out to seduce one king tonight, and got more than I bargained 
for," Haldir smirked, stretching his long limbs. "I can't say I'm complaining 
though..."

Never trust an elf.

The words echoed in Éomer's mind as Aragorn joined the couple on the bed.

"Well, now that I have two handsome kings in my bed, what shall I do with 
them? Éomer certainly brought more than enough fruit for the three of us to 
share..."

Haldir and Aragorn both turned their gazes to Éomer.

Thinking quickly, Éomer decided that there were worse ways to spend an 
evening, but he certainly couldn't think of anywhere he'd rather be. Leaning 
back, a wicked thought crossed his mind.

"I did bring plenty of fruit, but I do believe that strawberries and cream would 
prove to be quite the combination, wouldn't you say, Haldir?"

Wicked indeed.