Title: Close Your Eyes
Author: Milly
Author's Email: ElrohiradoresElladan@gmx.net
Pairing: Glorfindel/Haldir
Rating: R
Summary: Haldir goes back to Lórien after a visit in Imladris.
Disclaimer: I'd so wish I'd own them but they belong to Tolkien and 
I bow before the copyrights. I make no profit with this, it is merely 
written to entertain those that like to read it.
Warning: angst
Authors Note: Azzy challenged me to write a fic 
with her, or rather with the same given ratings, the same pairing, the 
same warnings and the same plot. We wished to see how different 
they would get though we are used to writing together. There are two 
sentences that we wanted to show up in both fics, search them if you 
want. *winks*
I would love to get some feedback!!! :) I really adore receiving it and 
just a short "I read it." is so much better than not hearing anything 
about your fics. Please bear in mind that even those words tell a 
writer that the others at least read what (s)he spends hours of writing 
with. *hugs* Thanks for listening, it's really frustrating at times, a 
friend of mine isn't too happy about it and I was very sad to hear that 
she felt sad about it. 
Anyway, thanks to Az for her brilliant idea, I hope you enjoyed 
writing this like I did my love. *hugs Azzy* Oh and if you hate this 
fic please don't kill me immediately, it's not the last one I intend to 
write. 
Thanks and thanks again to Cali for betaing this story for me. It's so 
much easier not to try to find mistakes on your own and I hope that it 
wasn't too much work. Mel lle, nana, hannon le! *hugs Cali*


Close Your Eyes

It hurts, my love, it hurts so much more than I thought it would. Yes, 
I know that you told me that this would happen. You warned me that 
I would rue our relationship sooner than it started. And I know you 
are not to blame, I feel in my heart that it is not your fault and even 
if it was I would not wish to believe it. You are wonderful my love. I 
will remain craving for you even if it hurts me, I still love you far 
too much. Mine; you should have been mine. I would have loved to 
bind myself to you, but you are young, so young. And Erestor told 
me that I would scare you if I would ask that of you. 

My wise, wise friend. He warned me as well, told me that you are 
right and that we would never be happy. But I did not wish to hear 
this. I did not want to know the truth behind your words and neither 
did I want to believe that you would really leave, that after the Lady 
asks you to come back to Lórien you would leave both Imladris and 
me. It is not fair, neither towards you nor towards me that you had to 
leave. There was so much more I wished to tell you, I wanted to 
make you see just how much I love you. 

I am sure you would have stayed here if you had seen how dear you 
are to me. How much I crave for you every minute and that I will 
never be able to go on without you. And the Lady of the Forrest 
would allow you to leave, she would see how deep our love runs and 
she would never deny us this. She would not deny love to other 
beings since the day she has met Celeborn and refused to follow the 
other Noldo, staying with him instead. I am sure it would please her 
to know her daughter safely guarded by you whenever she leaves for 
Lórien and there would be an official reason in that to both live in 
Imladris and go to visit your old home... 

Why did I not tell you all this when you were around? I was too busy 
pretending that you would not leave at all, I know. But that 
knowledge doesn't help me. Maybe I should go after you, ask 
Asfaloth to run as fast as I know he can and find you the next time 
you're resting. Would you be surprised if I did that? I remember you 
have been laughing at me several times, called me foolish, even 
childish, though I'm nearly thrice as old as you are. It is so cute if 
you become mad at me for calling you an elfling who knows nothing 
of life. And even though I was joking it is almost true. You have 
seen no Great War yet, hopefully you will never meet Mandos or see 
your friends fall before your eyes. 

But I should act instead of thinking. I become far too much like 
Erestor lately. Maybe I should spend more time with Elrond, he 
knows what all these Wars are like, he commanded his troops at 
several of them or I could meet your Lady who lead the rebellion 
against the Valar, being banished as the rest of us. Or maybe 
Oropher's son, I think he knows how to fight as well. But who do I 
spent my time with? An advisor. The chief advisor, but nevertheless, 
he knows about as much about War as Lady Celebrían. Theoretically 
they know so much about politics but if they were to lead a War... 

Ai, this will not aid me to reclaim you, my love. I cannot help to 
wonder if I bore you with my talk of ancient history, of my friends 
you will never meet, of deeds and wars you read about in books. Is it 
difficult for you to cope with my thoughts? I never asked you if you 
think differently than I do. And you never told me. Believing Erestor 
that would mean that we weren't meant to be. He says that every 
couple talks about their feelings and thoughts, that they share their 
happiness and their fears. We never truly did that, do you remember? 
Not even during the last night, the night I will remember until I see 
you again.

***Flashback***

"Close your eyes," Glorfindel smiled at his lover. Haldir did his best 
to pretend that nothing was wrong, but he could read it in those 
pretty blue eyes, without being told by his gestures or his words. It 
was bitter sweet to ask him to close his eyes, as Haldir had always 
kept them open during their lovemaking and he loved seeing the 
blurry, passionate expression inside them. But tonight he couldn't 
look at the Galadhrim without feeling the pain growing inside him, 
the fear and the sorrow it would bring not to hold him anymore. It 
would be better if they would pretend that nothing would happen, to 
just close their eyes.

And that was what they did... closing their eyes and undressing each 
other, knowing the other's garments better than their own they did 
not need to look at what they were doing anyway. It was still feeling 
different than any other time. But not worse, it felt better. Glorfindel 
smiled to himself. He had never tried to make love to anyone with 
closed eyes. Had never considered how much clearer you absorbed 
every caress and every lick if you did relax your other senses. Haldir 
felt good, so good, caressing his ears and gently tickling his rips by 
placing butterfly kisses on his stomach. It was like a present to be 
with this elf. He never ceased having new ideas and neither did he 
lack the courage to propose trying them.

The last time... Glorfindel kept himself from screaming in 
frustration. Of course it was, but it didn't make it better to remember 
that. Not know now, he could worry about that tomorrow. When 
Haldir was gone, when he had left to go back to Lórien to rejoin his 
family and his friends, it hurt, it hurt so much to remember all this. 
He had pleaded Haldir to stay this last night though he had said that 
it would be better if he left without it. And now there was no turning 
back unless he wanted his lover to think him a total fool. 

Haldir's lips were traveling downwards now, towards his navel, 
licking and kissing every spot as if he needed to keep in touch to 
find his way. He didn't of course, they knew each other's body, but it 
felt good. Tonight there would be no whispers against his skin, just 
licks, kisses and caresses. They would not speak to spoil this, 
reassurings were necessary at the first time, sweet promises felt 
wonderful during making love, but not if you knew that they were 
not true.

They had agreed not to speak and apart from his request about the 
eyes he would keep to that. Though not crying Haldir's name whilst 
he came would feel strange as well. He realized what his lover was 
doing pretty late, but he managed to push him away. No, he didn't 
want this tonight, he wanted to spill himself inside Haldir for the last 
time, not his mouth, that was something you did if you didn't have 
the time to do it properly. Not to say goodbye if you had a full night 
for it. 

It was obvious that his lover wasn't surprised, eagerly submitting to 
his touch. This would be good, he groaned, suppressing his wish to 
whisper to the lovely elf who was shaking beneath him. And while 
he slipped his first finger into his lover's entrance he wondered how 
Haldir could still be so tight after all the times they had made love. 
But no matter why, it pleased both of them a lot like this and while 
he wetted his fingers again to slip a second inside he heard his lover 
moaning. Yes, this was what Haldir wanted, no matter how often 
Glorfindel had asked him, Haldir had refused to claim him, he had 
always insisted on being taken and even though Glorfindel had 
thought it strange at times it felt good to dominate his lover like this.

He knew that Haldir would tense a bit now when he added another 
finger, he always did though Glorfindel knew he didn't hurt him. But 
for some reason Haldir reacted like this every time. He hadn't 
bothered to ask him and now that he wondered about it he knew that 
it wasn't his place to speak. Why was it that every thought and 
question hit him as soon as he couldn't speak freely?

Never mind,  this was real, this was what he would enjoy and he felt 
the drops of his pre-come on Haldir's skin while he was thrusting 
inside and feeling his lover push his hips up against him immediatly, 
moaning impatiently like he always did. If he had asked his lover, he 
would be told they weren't meant to be, but whenever they made 
love Haldir enjoyed himself immensely. Rubbing against his body 
like a cat and encouraging him to go deeper, to thrust harder. And 
that was what he did, though Haldir didn't beg and plead for him he 
could feel what his lover wanted and he was happy to comply, their 
wishes were the same as usual. 

When Haldir moaned in bliss Glorfindel groaned as well, knowing 
that he would come soon, so soon that he almost regretted that he 
would be too exhausted to claim his lover again. He would be able 
to, but knowing from experience that the first time they shared each 
other during a night was so much better than a second or a third time 
he wished to keep this time in mind. And suddenly without anymore 
thought he lost himself to pleasure, spilling his seed into his lover's 
body and pulling him into a tight embrace. This was what he had 
longed for, this was what he wished to bear in mind. His lover 
moaning blissfully and his own body slowly relaxing from its 
climax. Hugging his love close and letting him feel how much he 
would miss him. 

Slowly and carefully he pulled out again, before allowing the 
younger elf to cuddle into his arms. This was not the time to praise 
Haldir's abilities as a lover now. Instead he pressed his lips softly 
against the smooth skin, to finally start whispering to him. Not 
whilst the act, he had promised, but this wasn't the actual love-
making and he needed to speak to Haldir, needed to tell him of his 
dreams and fears before he fell asleep.

"Can you imagine this?" Glorfindel asked, speaking of Valinor, 
trying to explain what it was like, trying to make sure that his love 
understood how he had felt when he had reached Valinor after the 
pain of death in the fight against the Balrog and the stay in Mandos. 
It had been incredible. But he did not say that it would be like living 
without him for a while to see him again after some time. Haldir 
didn't like romantic love declarations and comparing the time 
without him to suffering death and the halls of waiting, he didn't 
want to find out if he would scare him away before he left.

But he did not want to speak about this. He wanted to tell Haldir of 
flowers and waterfalls, of something beautiful that carried their 
hearts away from the pain that was waiting for them. Instead of 
voicing his love, he just held the other elf closer against his chest 
and kissed his hair before resting his head on Haldir's shoulder. 
Wishing so much that the news from Lórien had been a bad dream 
and that his lover did not even know why he was so sad. Did Haldir 
know that he was sad? Did he try to ignore it for the sake of their last 
night? 

Glorfindel realized he didn't care. They did not speak of any trouble 
while they lay back and shortly before he lost his thoughts to join 
Irmo's realm his ears picked up a soft song, very much like those 
parents used to hum for their children and once again his feelings 
told him that Haldir tried to protect him, from whatever might come, 
trying to keep the hurt and the sorrow from his heart and trying to 
ease his pain, now that he needed to be comforted the most.

And as the song continued and gentle hands caressed his temples he 
relaxed totally, finally giving up the fight to try to stay with his lover 
as long as possible. He couldn't wait, he was so tired and somehow 
Haldir seemed to be relieved when he drifted to sleep, still 
continuing to sing with the softest voice, no longer trying to hide the 
tears which were now running down his cheeks so freely. Glorfindel, 
the gentle, wonderful lover he had been with for so many years and 
he would hurt him a lot, but some things needed to be done for the 
sake of others.

***End Flashback***

A note, my love? You left me a letter? Why did you not tell me what 
you think while you were still around? You could have woken me, 
you know that. But do not worry, I will read it, read your words of 
love, knowing that your pain runs deeply, like mine. And you are so 
much younger, you did not see a lover die before your eyes... so you 
cannot possibly know what it means to part until now. My poor 
sweet love, you will feel even worse than I do and I am complaining. 
Only this piece of paper is left of you and your scent, filling my 
room. Love, even my hands are shaking, now that I unfold the paper 
to read aren't I stupid?

My eyes have been running over these lines again, again and again, I 
do not understand your words, maybe I do not want to, but I cannot 
comprehend the meaning. I will miss you so much, my love, maybe 
Erestor will be able to explain to me why you wrote this. Though I 
do not know if I wish to show it to him. Not even to my most trusted 
friend. You cannot mean this, maybe I did not really read those 
words? Maybe I am  having a nightmare and have not yet awoken?

I cut my hand on the paper, it is almost ironic. During the last 
centuries only my enemies was spilled and now it is a letter of my 
lover which cuts my hand, spilling my blood over the sheet that cut 
into my heart like no dagger could. Shall I believe what you told 
me? That a visit would only worsen the pain? I presume you 
considered this longer than I did... have you asked Erestor for his 
advise? You have been close friends, have you not? Almost as dear 
to each other as he is to me, though never as dear as you are, ai,  
Haldir, loveliest being in my life, please find bliss like you did not 
find it in my arms.

*****The letter*****

Glorfindel, 

I do not have much time left for I considered how to explain this to 
you for hours. So I beg you to forgive me that I am not more gentle 
and tried to comfort you before hurting you badly, even worse than 
you are already. This is hard for both of us and I am truthfully sorry 
that I did not find the courage to tell you before. 

It is terrible, but I do not love you, dear friend, not as a lover, I care 
for you more deeply than I would for a friend, but I misjudged my 
feelings and feared you would reject me if I told you later. You are 
my mentor, you taught me more than anyone and you are the closest 
to a father another elf could be. It is not possible to explain to you 
how I feel without having you hate me for pretending about my 
feelings to you for so long. 

But you have the right to know. I am a coward, I know that, I should 
have looked into your eyes while I told you and endured your wrath 
or your tears, no matter how you reacted, but I could not. Not that I 
fear your anger, there could be nothing you could do that could 
wound me enough to make me feel better about hurting you like this. 
What I fear is your pain, seeing you cry or shocked was what I could 
not endure. 

In every night I will pray to the Valar for you, asking for their help 
to protect you and have you find happiness. And on everyday I will 
do whatever I can to honor the gift of love you gave to me. Please 
try to be happy, dearest friend of my life, do not let the pain and 
grief take over your heart. Know that whatever I will be reminded of 
you every day of my life. But we must never meet again, I do not 
wish to hurt you further than I did by not speaking to you earlier 
than I did. 

You will remain in my heart and I will carry your love with me, 
knowing how deeply you cared for me will protect me from doing 
wrong. And maybe one day you will understand that I had to flee. To 
run from you before you could propose a bonding ceremony to me. I 
would not have had the heart to tell you then and finding yourself in 
a unhappy bond for the rest of your life would have been even worse 
than the pain I cause you now.

Try to understand that my only option was to hurt you now, later 
would have made it even more unbearable. I pleaded with my lady to 
ask me to come home and she did, understand my reasons.. please do 
not come to the golden woods, I will not return to Imladris again. 

You are turning in your sleep, I fear that you might wake soon, so I 
must leave.
Curse me, scream and yell however much you wish, but please try 
not to cry, please do not pain my heart by letting me hear that you 
are grieving.

Im mel lle, hîr-nin,
Haldir

*****The End*****