Title:  The Jerry Sauron Show
Author:  Limber and Deep Throat (limber_deepthroat@yahoo.co.uk)
Rating:  PG13
Summary:  Just imagine: Jerry Springer, Middle Earth,
and the Fellowship.  I really don’t think we need to
say any more.
Pairings:  I don’t even remember.  Lots.  And a male
pregnancy.  Woo hoo!
Disclaimer: We are poor university students
procrastinating.  We own nothing.  The characters are
Tolkein’s, Jerry Springer belongs to Jerry Springer,
although Jerry Springer, the Opera, is one at a
theatre near our house, and are we goin’ to see it or
what?
Comments:  If ya wanna, send them to
limber_deepthroat@yahoo.co.uk


The Jerry Sauron Show

<Jerry Sauron theme music plays.  Audience does the
Jerry chant.  Jerry enters and quiets the audience
down.>
Jerry:
Welcome to Middle Earth Jerry Sauron!  From my tower,
I see all.  On today’s show: males who love males who
are waist-height.  Let me introduce our first set of
guests.  Prince Legolas of Mirkwood and Gimli, son of
Gloin.
<Audience applauds politely.  Legolas and Gimli enter
and sit next to each other, being disgustingly
adorable, cuz you know they are the only ones in the
Fellowship who can get away with it.  Audience makes
rude comments re Legolas’s ass, Gimli gets all
possessive and brandishes his axe…no really, his
actual axe.>
Jerry:
Hi, and welcome to the show.
Leg and Gimmers:
Thank you for having us.
Jerry:
So tell us a little about your story.  How did it all
begin?
Leg:
Well, when I first met Gimli at the Council of Elrond,
I didn’t think I could be attracted to him that way,
although I did admire his axe-work.
Audience leers.
Leg:
I meant with his actual axe!  But as we got to know
each other, I came to love the way his eyes lit up
when he talked about mining caves, and how the sun
made his beard glow a golden reddish brown.  I must
admit, the fact that his head is the height of my
groin did occur to me.  By the time we reached Rohan,
I knew I had fallen head over heels for my Gimmers
when he was rudely insulted by that horsehaired
animal, Eomer.
Gimmers:
Oh Leggy!
Leggy:
Oh course, I still couldn’t bring myself to admit how
I felt.
<Gimli takes Legolas’s hand and squeezes it
reassuringly.>
Leggy:
After the battle at Helm’s Deep, when I came so close
to losing him, I knew I couldn’t hold my feelings in
any longer.  And we’ve been together ever since.
<Gimli and Legolas look adoringly into each other’s
eyes.>
Jerry:
And Gimli, what’s your story?
Gimli:
Well, I must admit that I was floored by Legolas’
beauty at the Council of Elrond, and I admired his
fiery temper, and loyal heart.  But I didn’t think I
had a chance with someone so beautiful.
<Legolas wipes away a tear.>
Gimli:
Admittedly, his Elven grace could get on my nerves.  I
mean, who does that to snow?!  Of course, I realize
the advantages of such grace now…
Leggy:
Oh Gimmers!  You are my sunshine!
Gimli:
When he told me he had feelings for me, I couldn’t
believe it!  I knew then and there that he had my
heart forever.
Jerry:
But the road hasn’t always been so smooth for the two
of you, has it?  I have another guest who knows
something about your relationship.  Please welcome
Eomer of Rohan.
<Enter Eomer.  Legolas pouts, and Gimli looks very
very nervous.  Eomer sits down and looks at Gimli
suggestively.  Gimli has to hold Legolas to the
chair.>
Jerry:
Now Eomer, do you know Legolas and Gimli?
Eomer:
Well, I never had the pleasure of riding Legolas, but
I can tell you that Gimli is a better ride than any of
the horses in Rohan.
<Audience boos.  Legolas goes pale.>
Leggy:
What do you mean?!
Gimli:
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.  It was before I knew how
you felt.  I had my needs.  And I was thinking of you
the whole time!
Eomer:
So that’s why you kept screaming my name.
Leggy:
You disgusting piece of orc shit!  I’m gonna shove
that ugly helmet so far up your ass you’ll be able to
floss you teeth with that stupid fucking horse hair!
<Legolas starts beating the crap out of Eomer.  Eomer
seems so surprised he doesn’t defend himself…who
knows, maybe he likes it rough…Audience starts
chanting for Lurtz, Jerry Sauron’s trusty bodyguard,
to break up the fight.  Lurtz pulls them apart,
getting bitten by Legolas in the process.  Jerry
returns from his pansy-assed hiding place.>
Jerry:
Gimli, it seems that the two of you have a lot to work
out, but don’t you have something else to tell
Legolas?
Leggy:
What?!  How many other Riders of Rohan did you mine?
Gimli:
No Leggy.  I wanted to wait for the right time, but…I
guess now’s as good as any.
<Gimli pats his stomach suggestively, no words needed.
 The realization dawns on Legolas.>
Leg:
You’re not!  Oh Gimmers!  We’re gonna be such a happy
family!!
Jerry:
You mean you’re bottoms?!
<Legolas nances over to Gimli and gives him a big hug.
 They start to cry and make out like Hobbits.  Fade to
commercial.>
Jerry:
And we’re back.  Please welcome our second set of
guests, Lord Elrond, lord of Imaldris, and Gandalf the
White.
<The aforementioned enter and sit.  Audience claps.>
Jerry:
Now you two are old friends.  Why don’t you tell us
about the things you have in common?
Elrond:
Well, I’ve known Gandalf for many years, and since my
wife and I separated, Gandalf introduced me to the
joys of hobbit-lovin’.  Not everything on them is
quite so small…  In fact, since then I have developed
a loving relationship with a special Hobbit, dear to
my heart.
Jerry:
And you, Gandalf.
Gandalf:
Well, it has been especially nice to be able to talk
to Elrond about my little fetish, since the other
Istari think I’m a bit off.  I too have a wonderful
Hobbit-mate whom I adore.
Jerry:
So do you think your Hobbits would mind if you told us
their names?
Gandalf and Elrond together:
Bilbo.  WHAT?!  You bitch!!
Gandalf:
Hobbit stealer!
Elrond:
Home wrecker!
Jerry:
How about we bring this hobbit out and let him explain
himself?
<Bilbo enters.  Audience boos.  Bilbo sits.>
Jerry:
Welcome to the show.  Why don’t you tell us about your
part in all this?
Bilbo:
Well, I met Gandalf long before I met Lord Elrond.  In
fact, Gandalf is the one who introduced me to Elrond. 
I didn’t want to hurt anyone.  I’m just a horny little
hobbit, but I love them both dearly and I was afraid
to lose them.
Elrond:
You told me you loved me…
Gandalf:
He said the same to me.  I feel so used!!
<Gandalf bursts into tears, as does Elrond.  The two
friends hug, seeking comfort.  Bilbo gets a
mischievous gleam in his eye.>
Bilbo:
You know, we don’t have to let this tear us apart. 
Since you two are so close, maybe you’d like to get a
little closer…you could…share me, as I would be
willing to share you…it could be…interesting.
<Gandalf and Elrond ponder…>
Gandalf:
The hobbit makes an interesting point.
Elrond:
As I’ve heard your hat does, Gandalf.  Shall we retire
to Rivendell?
<Gandalf and Bilbo nod.  The three run off stage
tearing off clothes as they go.  Commercial.>
Jerry:
Welcome back again.  Well, it seems we’ve solved our
first two groups’ problems, let’s see what we can do
for our next guests.  Please welcome Gorbag the orc
and Merry and Pippin from Bag End.
<They enter and sit, Merry and Pippin cowering as far
from Gorbag as possible.  Gorbag looks at them and
licks where his lips would be if he weren’t an orc.>
Jerry:
Now Gorbag, you tried to eat Merry and Pippin, isn’t
that right?
Gorbag:
Well, yes and no.  You see, when I said I wanted to
rip out their filthy little innards, I really meant I
wanted to make sweet sweet love to them.  I have a
thing for furry feet, what can I say?
<Audience says awwwww.  Merry and Pippin look even
more afraid if that’s even possible.>
Merry and Pippin together:
We only make sweet sweet love to each other!
Jerry:
But aren’t you cousins?
Merry:
So.  
Pippin:
What’s your point?
Jerry:
Jus…Nevermind.  Anyway.  Gorbag, how does this make
you feel?
Gorbag:
Sad…nobody wants me.  I’m unlovable…I’m so ugly!!!
<Gorbag bursts into tears.  Lurtz emerges from the
shadow.>
Lurtz:
That’s not true Gorbag.  I’ve always thought you were
kinda hot…
<Gorbag looks up at Lurtz.  They make eye contact. 
Sparks fly and…well, let me just say, orc-lovin’ is
not a pretty sight.  Commercial.>
Jerry:
Well, we’re back folks.  I appear to have lost my
bodyguard, so I’ll be doing the rest of the show from
way back here in the last row of the audience.  Let’s
bring out our last set of guests.  Welcome Frodo
Baggins and Samwise Gamgee, and Aragorn, son of
Arathorn.
<They enter and sit.  Sam and Frodo are almost as
sickening as Gimli and Legolas, but not quite.  Sam
keeps looking possessively at Frodo and stroking his
inner thigh.>
Jerry:
So, Strider, can you tell us why you wanted to bring
Sam and Frodo on the show today?
Aragorn:
Well, Jerry, when I was risking my life to save Middle
Earth, I developed some very powerful feelings.
<Aragorn looks sheepish.>
Jerry:
Go on Estel.
Aragorn:
So, I just wanted to ask Frodo if he would do his king
the honour of becomi…OW!!!
<Sam is beating Aragorn to a bloody pulp with a large
frying pan.  Audience starts to chant for Lurtz until
they remember that he’s off doing Gorbag.  Looks like
Aragorn will have to fend for himself.  Jerry
commentates from the last row of the audience.>
Jerry:
Oh!  There go the gonads of Gondor!!  That one looked
painful.  Looks like Gondor won’t be seeing any heirs
in the foreseeable future.  Elessar, look out!  Damn! 
That had to hurt.
<Aragorn has gone fetal, and is whimpering for Arwen.>
Frodo:
Samwise Gamgee!  You come back here and sit down this
instant!
Sam:
Oh all right Mr. Frodo.  If you insist.
Jerry:
Now Sam, that was a valiant defense of the honour of
your love, but can you tell me that you’ve never
considered straying?
Sam:
Never!!  I would never consider it!
Jerry:
Well, we have a guest who says differently.  Welcome
back from the dead, Boromir of Gondor.
<Boromir enters, winks at Sam and sits.>
Sam:
But how can this be?
Jerry:
I have my methods.  Now Boromir, tell me about your
final moments on Middle Earth, before you got shot so
full of orc arrows people mistook you for a big pin
cushion.
Boromir:
Well, after Frodo rejected me, I happened upon Sam in
a nearby clearing.  I figured, if I couldn’t have
Frodo, maybe I could find comfort with his gardener. 
He seemed pretty willing until those damn orcs showed
up and ruined my mojo.  Then he ran screaming like a
little girl and left me to die for that blue-eyed
pansy over there.
<Sam aims bloodied frying pan at Boromir’s head and
throws, defending Frodo’s honour…again…Boromir
dies…again…apparently Sam missed his calling as a
professional baseball pitcher.  Frodo’s abnormally
large eyes get even bigger and he starts to cry.>
Frodo:
Sam how could you?!  After all we’ve been to each
other!!
Sam:
I’m so sorry, Mr. Frodo!  But you were being so weird
with the ring and all, and you weren’t putting out
anymore, and…I know there’s no excuse, but…could you
stop doing that freaky-assed thing with your eyes? 
Really, it’s freakin’ me out.
<Frodo starts crying harder.>
Frodo:
I love you Samwise Gamgee, but I don’t have to like
you right now.
<Sam looks forlorn.  We’d love to sort this one out,
but it’s time for Jerry’s thoughts.>
Jerry:
Well, we’ve seen some interesting displays of love and
lust on the show today.  I think what we’ve learned is
that…oh fuck, I don’t care!  I’m goin’ to get me some
sweet sweet hobbit lovin’.  Take care of yourself and
each other.  Goodnight.  Tune in next week for Orcs
and the Elves who love them.
<Fade out.>
Are you a respected film director who is tired of
having his work defiled on slashie websites?  If so,
call Jerry at 1-800-S-A-U-R-O-N.

Did your husband lose his only extremity of any use to
you on our show today?  If so, call Jerry at
1-800-S-A-U-R-O-N.