Title: Widows.

Author: Maeve Riannon (maeve_of_connaught@yahoo.com)

Characters: Indis and Míriel Serindë

Spoilers: Silmarillion-based.

Warnings: Female/female slash.

Rating:PG-13 or R, I´m not very sure.

Summary: Indis, queen of the Noldor, receives the visit of the re-
embodied first wife of her own dead husband.

Disclaimer: The characters are Tolkien´s.
 
 

Widows.
 
 

"And so it was that Finwë relinquished his claim to dwell once again in 
the World of the Living, and his first wife Míriel came again to see the 
Blessed Realm, but, unfortunately, when she arrived, she learned of the 
flight of the Noldor, and of her son´s rebellion against the will of the 
Valar. Never did she see him again, and, in pain, she left her people, now 
ruled by her stepson Finarfin with the help of his mother Indis, the 
Vanya.(...)" And Then Darkness Surrounded, Chapter Three.(*) 
 
 

* * * * * * * *
 
>/br> 
They were days of darkness, and of despair, those that followed the death 
of Finwë and the departure of the rebels for unknown lands. The light of 
the Two Trees was gone, and with it all spark of life, all the desire of 
achieving wondrous and beautiful things that had always been the joy and 
the pride of the Noldorin people until the time of their madness. Arafinwë, 
the only remaining heir of the King, had returned unexpectedly with some 
followers weeks after they went away, telling horrible and sorrowful tales 
about the massacre of their kin in Alqualondë and the curse of Mandos, 
and the Valar had proclaimed him sovereign of his remaining people, but, 
in spite of all his efforts to help them to heal and rebuild, everyone silently 
knew that nothing would ever be as it had been before.
 
 
Marred. 
And she, Indis the Fair, his mother and the wife of the dead king Finwë, 
until a short while ago the pillar of wisdom and gentleness that helped to 
sustain what remained of her divided house, knew it too.

"Mother, please. I do not want you to fade away!" her son said each time 
he saw her intently gazing at the window with an unnaturally fixed stare. 
"I need you, we all do!"

Oh, why! Why are you so wise, yet you cannot understand? You look at 
me with eyes that do not see, and no matter how hard you try, you will 
stay blind forever!

"Do not worry, my son" she answered him, smiling faintly. "I am not 
allowed to go to Mandos, even if I wished to do so." 

With small relief written over his concerned face, Arafinwë left her alone. 

Always.
 
 

* * * * * * * *
 
 

Time passed away, a long and unmeasured space of time only marked by 
perpetual darkness, and the fair Vanya fell even more to despair. She no 
longer spoke to her family, nor went to visit her kin, just wanting to spend 
her time in front of the window and thus causing everybody to whisper 
with pity and worry as they chanced to walk by her.

"This has been lasting too long."

"She is fading away." 

"She cannot stand the pain, yet she is doomed to stay here."

"She cannot go to Mandos."
 
 

* * * * * * * *
 
 

One day, as Indis was sitting in her customary place, something suddenly 
caught her eye. She saw it next to the courtyard door, and it seemed to her 
the shadow of someone wrapped in a cloak, perhaps seeking shelter 
against the cold that had swept over Valinor after the Trees died, or 
waiting for someone to appear. Indis was overcome by surprise and 
curiosity at the sight, and maybe a strange sense of foreboding came upon 
her at the time as well, for she did not remember having jumped from her 
seat with her heart pounding so loudly since life died for her months ago. 
Racing down the stairs, she found herself outside in a moment, feeling the 
chilly air in her delicate exposed skin, and facing the back of the bent 
dark- haired figure in the courtyard of Finwë´s house.

Shivers. Horrible shivers.

The figure turned her head, to peer at her with tearful grey eyes.

It was not possible.

She knew them. She knew those grey eyes. She knew that pale face, and 
she had often seen in her dreams her sad expression, but it was no dream 
now.

"Míriel. Míriel Serindë." she stammered brokenly. Her knees did not 
sustain her any longer, so she let herself fall down at the side of she who 
had been the wife of her husband, of she who lost him to her and had to 
stay imprisoned in Mandos until the end of Arda for the happiness of Indis 
and Finwë.

Valar, how in the world could I find the strength to dare to look at her in 
the eye.

There were memories crowding her mind, of a young couple, he tall and 
strong and she short and thin, but both very happy, beaming with joy as 
they kissed and joined hands while a little blonde girl would hide away to 
cry undisturbed. Then, the vision she had had all those years since the day 
of her wedding returned again, and she saw a nís trapped in a world of 
shadows, alone and longing desperately to escape.

Because of me.

"You are not asking what I am doing here." a soft melancholy voice 
stated, ending the silence. Indis still looked away.

"I...I know ´tis you who has the right to ask that. Not I."

"I came here to find him. But he is gone, they told me."

"Aye, he has."

Belatedly, she realised later that Míriel was speaking about Fëanaro. Of 
course, her son, the little child she herself was supposed to raise as a 
mother but who terrified her since the first day with the resemblance he 
bore to the accusing nís of her vision. The child that grew hating her for 
having taken his mother´s place, and who was now gone, driven by that 
hate to take the course of rebellion against the Powers.

"Why will you not look at me?" Míriel asked with a sigh. Tears trickled 
down her cheek as she spoke, and Indis could see them when she at last 
brought herself to do what she had asked. "I am alive, now. He stayed 
there to let me come here."

"He" was Finwë now, the Vanya guessed. At the sole mention of him, she 
felt as if there was a heavy hand pressed against her heart, and looked 
away again, this time because of her pride. How could she stand this re-
embodied creature to watch her shame?

"Then, he will never return?" was all she managed to ask.

Míriel shook her head.

"Alas, he cannot do so. He is in need of healing after the way he died, 
facing the Darkness alone, so he asked me to come instead to speak with 
my son and avert the doom of the Noldor. It seems, though, that I came 
too late."

Now, Indis had to flinch at those words, fiercely accusing to her ears. To 
her, they implied everything she felt guilty about; that she had been a bad 
wife, a bad mother and a worse queen.

Does she really ignore what she is saying to me? Or she is trying to tell me 
she would have acted otherwise?

Aye, she would have. She would never have left Finwë alone.

"Indis."

"Yes?" The Vanya whispered back. The sky was black and ominous above 
them, without even the soft glow of the stars that were the delight of the 
first Quendi in Middle- Earth. For all the greatness of the palace she lived 
in, and her family and people, she could not help feeling completely alone.

"I remember when we were living in the shores of Middle- Earth. "Míriel 
began, throwing her head backwards "You were a young girl, and I made a 
small present for you, a handkerchief with birds and flowers embroidered 
on it. Do you remember? "

An awkward silence was the only answer she got, for Indis was feeling too 
embarrassed to say a word, but she continued in spite of this.

"Next day, your brother was shocked beyond measure because you tore it 
in two. Surely you remember now!"

"Please, do not..." The Vanyarin queen was near to the point of tearing her 
own dress again with her hands. "Please, stop shaming me! I have already 
had enough of that before you came! "

"I am not shaming you, Indis." Míriel explained patiently, stretching a 
hand to caress her golden hair. "I just want you to realise that you suffered 
no less from me as I from you, and could you blame me for loving him?"

"What?"

The re-embodied nís gave her a smile of encouragement.

"The will of Ilúvatar is strange, you know. In Mandos, I learned that even 
the Valar did not know why He made love free, in a way that one of the 
Eldar could desire other that is already bound for his life. Some say it is a 
bad thing, others that freedom is good, but all we two know is that it 
caused us much pain. And I did not blame you. Oh, yes, my heart was 
broken when I learned about your betrothal, and I did not understand why 
he had done this to me, but I wanted you to be happy and so gave my 
consent. I..."

Her voice sunk to a low whisper that made Indis open her eyes wide.

"I only could blame him, and I did not. I loved him too much. I still do."

"I do, too." the Vanya echoed, holding Míriel´s hand as if what she had 
said was not the source of their distress, but just a way for both to feel 
closer in the cold winter night. Finwë´s first wife did understand it thus as 
well, for she squeezed it tight and pulled her close, wrapping the Queen of 
the Noldor in her cloak of fur.

"What did he say to you before you came?" Indis asked after a while.

"About you, do you say?"

Silence.

"I will deliver his words to you, if you give me his hröa."

"Sorry, what did you say?" 

Míriel simply smiled at the shocked look in the violet eyes that gazed at 
her. Before Indis could have possibly done anything to prevent it, she 
came nearer to her and kissed her lips, slowly tasting them until the Vanya 
pulled her back in astonishment.

"Míriel!" 

"That is what I meant. You were the last he kissed, and the last he held in 
his arms as incarnate, so, somehow, you still have him inside you. Share it 
with me, and then I will share his words with you, and we will have him 
for both!"

Indis´s body stayed rigid long after the other ceased to speak, while her 
breath made a heavy and constant sound between them.

It has its logic.

The logic of madness. The logic of despair. 

But we could never share him without breaching the will of Ilúvatar and 
the Valar, except if we ourselves become one, could we?

This is wrong. I am not bound to her, but to Finwë.

"Finwë is bound to me too, Indis. That is why he is not allowed to come 
and rejoin us."

"But we cannot bring him back."

"I can find him in you, because he loved you. You can find him in me. 
This is only right."

Only right.

"Do you...do you think we could...?"

For all answer, the lean dark- haired nís took her mouth again and, this 
time, she did not found enough resistance to keep her from entering it 
hungrily. Indis moaned, letting herself be embraced, and both closed their 
eyes to feel the heat of the other´s body against their own.

It was wrong.

It was Míriel who was embracing her next to the door of her house. It was 
her Noldo black hair tickling her chin, and her legendary skilled fingers 
parting her thighs to raise cries of excitement that could be heard at any 
moment by those who lived in the palace behind. As she came in her arms, 
Indis knew it was not Finwë who held her, but a nís thin and frail, her rival 
and her companion; his wife.

And she felt ashamed.

"You do not know what you have just given me. "she could hear Míriel´s 
grateful voice somewhere near her. "Thank you."

"Yes, I do not know!" Indis buried her face in her hands, and began to sob. 
"Please, tell me what you promised, and forget all about the rest."

Now, what the Vanya heard was the rustle of silk, and a sudden cold that 
struck her when Míriel got up and took her body, together with the cloak, 
away from her. She did not raise her head again, even as the Noldo began 
to stroke her hair tenderly again.

"He told me he loved you and your sons, and that you should stay here to 
help them now he is gone. And he asks you forgiveness for his past errors, 
as well as for leaving you alone, but I am sure you have forgiven him 
already. Farewell, fair Indis! I must go now."

"Wait!"

Startled, the Noldo turned back to see the tearstained face of the other nís 
gazing at her, the trembling lips endeavouring to form words.

"Where are you going?"

"To see the Valar. My son has left, my husband is dead, and nothing else 
ties me to my people here. You will care for them, I see it in your eyes 
now, and Finwë will be happy when he knows."

"Míriel! Serindë!" the Vanya tried once more. Míriel complied again, this 
time even slower.

"He has always loved you more than me. I know it, am I wrong?"

"Indis.." said Míriel, sighing and shaking her head. "Farewell, my Queen."

Before Indis could ask anything more, her figure was lost in the shadows, 
never to be seen again by the Eldar in the Blessed Realm. 

Next day, her family found the Vanyarin queen lying in the courtyard, her 
body nearly frozen, and her mouth trying to mutter incomprehensible 
things in the oldest form of their language.
 
 
 
 

(The End) 
 
 
 
 
 
 

(*)Note: Although the quote in the beginning is from another fic of mine, 
"And Then Darkness Surrounded", and some of the elements in this fics 
are extracted from it, it is NOT a part of it, and they have nothing to do 
with each other.

So, was it an acceptable naughty idea? Well, even if not, having scribbled 
it in a day and a half, after all I am supposed to be doing, is already quite a 
remarkable feat for me. 




Title: Widows II: Triangle.
Author. Maeve Riannon (maeve_of_connaught@yahoo.com)
Rating: PG.
Pairing: Indis / Míriel.
Summary: Míriel reflects on Indis as she weaves her fate.
Disclaimer: Tolkien´s characters.
Note: At last! I overcame writer´s block! Thanks to those that reviewed 
last chapter, and especially to Finch for taking the trouble of reading it and 
making useful suggestions. Yes, it´s true, perhaps I´ll even write another 
chapter inspired on those comments.
 
Widows: Chapter Two.
 
 
He has always loved you more than me. I know it, am I wrong?
Are you?

Oh Indis, Indis. Fair, little Indis, daughter of the Vanyar and queen of the 
Noldor; poor lonely Indis. You are grieving because you can have now the 
vision of what you were; nothing more than a dim figure in the dreams of 
another. You see that this figure of you always had my eyes, my smile, my 
heart, my scent, even if only you were there, my dear Indis.

And this hurts.

I can feel you now, giving advice to your son, comforting his wife and 
sisters and guiding their people. They are grateful to you for being able to 
defeat the overwhelming grief that consumed your heart and returning 
back to them, to be once more the pillar of the kingdom of the faithful 
Noldor and of their diminished house. They say you are strong, and that 
you are wise.

But every night you cry, Indis, lying alone in your frozen bed.

What did Finwë feel the day he married you? What the night he held you 
first in his arms?, so I know you ask yourself so many times, unable to 
believe the answer that lies hidden in your mind. For I am sure he loved 
you, and he was too kind to cause anybody the least harm, but you should 
have known, Indis, that even all the power of the Valar, with all the 
confidence your people always put on them, cannot break a bond that 
consecrates the everlasting love between two fëar. That is why your 
feelings of guilt and remorse were misplaced, and why I pitied you. It was 
I who should have felt guilty for having said "Yes", knowing that your 
people, Finwë, the Valar and you were all wrong.

I doomed you. I doomed everyone. Perhaps I fooled myself into believing 
the bond was broken, and shut down my heart against the hard but true 
knowledge that none of you would indeed find happiness until I let him 
go, all because I was too selfish to sacrifice my own happiness for the sake 
of yours. But then, perhaps even if I had made my mind it would have 
been the same, for who in this world can consider himself entitled to play 
with love?

He never loved you, Indis. Not in the way he thought he did. When he 
looked at you as a friend, adviser, companion or supporter, he saw you, 
but, when he laid you on his bed and conceived wretched twice- mothered 
children, my fëa could feel his caresses and kisses, his whispers of love in 
your ears, and he wrapped in his embrace the body of his first wife and 
true love, the only one he could have desired, reviving in each curve of 
your body our lovemaking in the secret hiding places among the dark trees 
in Middle- Earth. He did notice it, I am sure, and he did his best to stop the 
unstoppable, believing it a crazy vision that failed to leave him after all 
this time, but what about you? 

The question is, did you really perceive it then?

I do not think so. You loved him so deeply, and the confidence that you 
both had in the power and wisdom of the Valar was so great that just guilt, 
and pain for your losses, were what drove you insane the day I came to 
you in the courtyard of our house. And, when, insane as you from my own 
sufferings, I deceived you into giving me the only thing that you ever had, 
your own hröa that he like me touched and pleasured while loving another, 
you for a moment had to see the truth in every thing I had always known. I 
could love him, whenever I wanted and in your arms or in anybody else´s, 
but you could not. Your eyes and your heart were empty, and you knew 
that all this, your bond, had been nothing but a lie.

You never existed.

Oh, lovely Indis, poor little Indis, you would not believe that now it is me 
who is sorry for you. I deceived you simply to ease my grief, so shallow if 
we compare it to yours, and gave you nothing in return for the love I had 
never ceased to hold as mine in the Halls of Mandos. Given the falsehood 
of your marriage, how could I still be jealous of what you had of Finwë? 
How could I think of shattering your illusions the same way I shattered his 
when he met me down there, and just a look into my eyes told him he had 
never had more than one wife?

He stayed in Mandos after that. You kept the terrible knowledge confined 
in a small part of your mind, deciding you had to be strong and learn to 
live for the other people that loved and needed you. And I am here.
I am here, weaving your fate. Picking the thread of your life with 
gentleness into my fingers, knitting it securely with the other threads of 
those who know how to make you happy, and smiling with relief when I 
see it has grown to be again one of the brightest in the whole tapestry of 
the Fates of the World. Hold on, little Indis. I am sure you must have 
something of him, even if you lost the memories of his touch and your 
illusions because of me, and the bond you never had. Remember that his 
ardent hopes of finding happiness in making you happy moved the very 
hearts of the Valar, the wise Valar that failed again, victims of their own 
compassion!

You have to live, and I want you to know it in some way.
 
But, still, forgive me if I am glad you were right.
 
 
 
(The End) 
 
Another Note: I was a little more explicit about the Valar just in the end, 
Finch, but I won´t criticise them too openly. Don´t really want to appear 
too heretic. :D