Title: AAHTISSSSHHHOOO! Author: Kate ( kates_brain@hotmail.com ) Pairings: A/L (barely), S/L (in Sam's dreams...) Rating: R Archive: Yes, take it and stick it wherever it pleases you. Summary: Legolas is befuddled by sneezes; help and chaos ensues. This was done in response to a plot bunny by Miranda, which was posted on the Library of Moria website. Disclaimer: These characters are not mine, they're Tolkien's. Nothing shall be made of this. Feedback: Always interested in how these things come across... Warning: Sillyfic alert. Possible non-consensual slightly-sexual situation, I guess, but I personally think they were all up for it. Authors notes: Thanks to Aunty Mib for beta reading this, any mistakes left are mine and mine alone. ** "AHHTISSHOO! Oh, ow." A blonde elf sat hunched down, holding the front of his face in pain. It was the fifth time that Legolas had violently sneezed, in as many minutes. Their curiosity piqued, the rest of the fellowship stopped what they were doing and gathered round, looking at him in surprise. Gandalf's look of surprise soon turned to recognition, and then a notable smirk appeared. "An Elf sneezing," said Sam "now there's an eye opener and no mistake." "Legolas, are you ok?" queried Aragorn. "It is becoming rather painfu... AHHHTISSSHOO!" "My great aunt Rosie sneezed a lot," began Pippin, "she was allergic to daisies..." "I'm not allergic to... AHHHTISSSHOO!" "Are you sure?" asked Merry. "The volume is quite comparable." "And the spray," added Frodo with disgust. Amidst the chatter, strange noises were beginning to surface from Gandalf. Those who glanced over could see his shoulders twitching in a very peculiar way, and his face contorted from trying to withhold his amusement. "I'm very... AHHHHTISSSHOO! ouch, oh, ow. Would somebody please help me?" "What can we do to help?" Aragorn asked Legolas, whose eyes were now moist and red-rimmed, a pathetic sight for any Elf to be in, really. Although Sam couldn't help musing how cute the Elf looked. "I don't know, I.... AHHHTISSSHOOO!" "Do you know what's caused them?" "AHHHHTISSSHOO!" "Probably some silly Elvish weakness," said Gimli, derisively, "possibly allergic to a bit of hard work." "I think I might be allergic to Dwarves. AHHHHTISSSHOO! oh, ow!" "Legolas, please be serious," Aragorn pleaded, whilst rubbing the Elf's back in sympathy. "If we can work out what's causing this, we should be able to stop you sneezing." Legolas nodded in defeat. "Ahhhhhhtisssshoooo!" Drawing his sleeve across the base of his nose in a most un-Elven-like manner, along with an undignified wet sniff, he then closed his eyes and leaned into Aragorn's touch. "Ahhtishoo!" Aragorn kept rubbing, and an expectant silence prevailed for a while, interspersed with a few minor explosions from the Elf's nasal cavity. "Even if they haven't stopped, they finally seem to be quietening down a bit." Gandalf gave out a snort at this, causing Aragorn to pause in his ministrations at the Elf's back. "Would it help if you had a drink or something to eat?" Legolas nodded weakly, "possibly, Ahhhhtisshhhooo!" The ranger walked over to the bags and began rummaging through, all the time being very conscious of Gandalf, who had moved to the shadows and was currently doubled up in silent hysterics. "AHHHHTISSSHOO! ouch, bugger!" "An Elf swearing! Now there's another eye opener and no mistake," said Sam. "AHHHHTISSSSHHHHHOOOO!" "It seems they are no longer subdued," said Pippin "so, is it really wise to give him food? We could all get splattered." Aragorn walked back over to Legolas, water in one hand, Lembas in the other, and a patronising but sincerely sympathetic, smile on his face. "Sorry, Legolas. But I think Pippin's made a good point." "So," began the enthusiastic hobbit, "does that mean I get to eat the Lembas then?" "Pippin!" scolded Merry. "AHHHHTISSSSHHHHHOOOO!" Legolas looked tentatively up at Aragorn, "perhaps if you rubbed my back again? It could've been that which helped me before." The ranger nodded and began to rub once more, wondering why Legolas looked so damn guilty when he suggested it. And, also wondering why Gandalf had reacted with a look that said 'oh really? I'm not buying that!' Once more Legolas leant into Aragorn's touch, and once more the sneezes were subdued. "Ahhhhtisshhhhoooo!" A ghost of a smile even managed to creep onto his fair Elven face in between sneezes. "Ahhtishoo!" Aragorn bent down and spoke close to Legolas' ear. "Would you like to drink something?" He was more than a little shocked at the affirmative moan issuing in response from Legolas' mouth. "Mmmm." The sound was dusky and guttural, after which a bellow of laughter could be heard from Gandalf's direction. "Gandalf, I like to think of myself as a patient man," began the future King of Gondor, "but I think this persistent laughter at Legolas' expense is inappropriate. Gandalf! Please, stop laughing. Can you at least make a suggestion which may help?" "Ahhtishoo!" Gandalf took several deep breaths, and managed to reply, in between suppressed sniggles. "For someone who spent so much time growing up with Elves, you really are surprisingly naïve." "Mmmm... Ahhtishoo!" Aragorn frowned and rubbed his brow with one hand, as he tried to think, still rubbing the Elf with the other. Recollection dawned upon the ranger's face, his eyes widening rapidly as he rapidly withdrew from Legolas. "Your 'in heat'?" "Ahhhhtisshhhhoooooo!" Legolas squirmed as he nodded, wishing that the earth would swallow him whole. Gandalf began to snicker once more. "Which means, to stop them...." Aragorn blushed, as he thought of the possible ramifications. "Perhaps, we should try thinking of more unconventional methods to end his sneezing." "What does 'in heat' mean?" asked a rather naïve Pippin, "and what would be the 'conventional' method of stopping him?" "AHHHHTISSSHOO!" "It means he's gagging for a bit of Elf-lovin', little hobbit." The dwarf was rather keen to disseminate this information, revelling in the uncomfortable expression on the Elf's face, and the enthusiastic wonder on the hobbit's. "And, I would guess, that the conven..." "Gimli!" Aragorn's expression put the fear of god, (well, the fear of Aragorn) into the Dwarf. "But, if only by rubbing his back, we can subdue them so much, surely it can't be..." began Frodo. "Frodo," said Gandalf, "that was merely a temporary sedation. Without the, er... How shall be put this? Er, let's just say, the 'full works', the sneezes will just return again." "Oh." "So, who's going to give Mr Legolas the, er, the..." began Sam, tentatively. "Nobody is Master Gamgee," said Gandalf with conviction. "That would be too dangerous. Elves have far too much stamina, strength, and way, way too many hormones to unleash on any one of us. No. Another way must be thought of." "AHHHHTISSSSHHHHHOOOO!" "I know!" Aragorn suddenly jumped up, his tone of voice proclaiming 'man who is desperately grasping at straws.' "You need to drink some liquid. Don't stop to breathe, until you absolutely have to, and when you've finished it should've stopped the... er... irritation." For his suggestion, Aragorn received a 'look' from the Elf, and a cackle from Gandalf. "Aragorn, are you serious? AHHHHTISSSSHHHHHOOOO!" "Er, Mr. Strider, sir," began Sam, "isn't that the cure for hiccups?" "Yes, but, it's worth a try. Anything's got to be worth a try." "AHHHHTISSSSHHHHHOOOO!" "You're not beginning to panic are you, Aragorn?" asked Gimli. "I've heard the tales of Elves on heat and, if what I've heard is true, it could very well put you, Boromir and Gandalf painfully out of action, for several days." The silence was notable for the lack of laughter, giggles, snickers and snorts coming from Gandalf. "I repeat, we will NOT be taking that course of action," said the wizard "after all, just me, Boromir and Aragorn may not be enough." He looked pointedly at the dwarf. "So, who would have to go next, Gimli?" Gimli merely grunted in annoyance at this. Then Gandalf spoke again, "I think we should proceed with the water 'experiment'." Aragorn was sure he could see Gandalf's mouth begin to twitch once more. So Legolas began to drink, and drink, and drink. As it is Elves are rather good at imbibing liquid at length, without the need to breathe. During this time Gandalf tried to unobtrusively move to a 'safe' distance, and only received enquiring looks from the hobbits as he did so. "I'm going to get some herbs. To cook with the food," he blatantly lied. So, several minutes later, the Elf was still drinking. Only now, there was a rather disturbing bubbling, gurgling noise occurring from within. The others, (after having waited with bated breaths for so long, and then having to 'unbate' their breath, due to their own lack of oxygen) had relaxed and were pretty much assuming that, after all this time, when Legolas finally finished, it would be over. There was no tenseness, no expectation of sneezing, or even any expectation of Legolas' drinking ever coming to an end. Aragorn was the one to tempt fate, "I think it's worked, Lego..." "AAAAHHHHH..." (Gurgle, gurgle,) "TISSSSSHHHOOOO!" The fellowship, on the whole, was not amused, except Gandalf, of course, who was now in hysterics. For a moment, the other members of the fellowship just stood there, shocked, covered with a spraying of snotty, salivary water. "Priceless!" the wizard thought. "Just wait until Elrond hears about this one." "Ugh," said Merry, as he wiped his hands down his front, and tried to flick the offending sticky substance onto the ground. "Sorry." Legolas had sat down, and was now looking up at them through his eyelashes, with a guilty, puppy look on his face. Any anger felt by the others was soon squashed by the adorable 'butter-wouldn't-melt' aura he was consciously trying to exude. "Ok, ok, let's, have a think about this," Aragorn began pacing again. "There's always more than one way to skin a cat." "You wish to skin m... AAAAAHHHHTISSSSHHHHOOO! oh, ouch!" "It might help!" piped up Gandalf, earning him another filthy look from assorted members of the fellowship, and a grin from Mr. 'sadistic-when-it-comes-to-Elves' Gimli. "In the shire," Merry began, "and this is only for hiccups as far as I'm aware, we hold our breath." "The last time I had hiccups," said Frodo "YOU held my breath for me." "I just wanted to make sure you wouldn't cheat, and take a sneaky breath." "AAAAAHHHTISSSSHHOO!" "That's a very good idea, Meriadoc Brandybuck." Mischief glinted in the wizard's eyes. "I think that, although Elves are usually notable in their resolve, in this case Legolas is likely to give in a little too soon. So it might be an idea for someone to hold his mouth shut and pinch his nose." Legolas's jaw dropped open, and he had a questioning look in his eyes, as if he were about to say something in protest but... "AAAAAAHHHHTISSSSHHHOOO! ow!" Aragorn's ranger abilities discerned the distinctive aura of a wizard causing further trouble. But what could he do, he had no other suggestion to make, even though it was plain to see that Gandalf was hopelessly trying to restrain another burble of laughter. Several pairs of feet began to shuffle restlessly. Who would be the one to venture near the Elf's nose? They all seemed very well aware of the danger... "I think, seeing as he's going to be a king an' all. Dear Mr. Strider should be the one," said Sam. "And," chirped in Pippin, "seeing as he was the one to come up with the last not-so-bright idea." Aragorn raised his hands in defeat, "ok, ok, I'll do it. He walked over to where the Elf was sitting, still nursing his sore nose. "I will not let you sneeze over me, Legolas. You're going to have to turn blue before I let go." Legolas remained mute. He was feeling more than a little persecuted at this point. What with having the exploding sneezes, a nose that felt it had been cleaned out with sandpaper, and a throbbing head, he was also providing vast amusement for Gandalf, (who was still notably out of 'firing' range,) and now, it seemed, he was bringing out Aragorn's S&M side. "AAAAHHHTISSSHHHOO!" Having expected another blast, Aragorn had managed to duck and thereby avoid the worst of this particular outburst. Unfortunately, Sam was not so prepared; as the ranger ducked, the hobbit received an eyeful. Sam blinked; the only thing his eyes could focus on were sticky strands of goo as they stretched across his vision. Aragorn took advantage in the brief, ensuing lull to grab the Elf's nose and mouth. Yet again the beginnings of a chuckle could be heard from the shadows, where Gandalf safely watched. Ten minutes later, and Legolas' pallor showed that he was decidedly on the de-oxygenated side, but as he was still conscious Aragorn had chose to persist. Gandalf was now giggling like a demented halfwit, and had moved even further away. Both Legolas and Aragorn were visually throwing daggers at the wizard, which only caused him to cackle more loudly. The rest of the fellowship were feeling increasingly worried, and had reached a silent consensus to move backwards, just in case. But, it seemed it was too little, too late. The only warning they received was a slight jerky movement of Legolas' chest. "AAAHHHTISSSSSSSHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOO! oh, ow, ow, ow." The force of the blast had knocked Aragorn back by a good six feet, so he was now on his back, just this side of consciousness and squashing an unfortunate Sam. The only thoughts that passed through the ranger's head for several minutes were, "it's even stickier than last time, I'm going to be sick." As he fully came round, he overheard the cries of disgust from the others. "It's gone in my pocket. The ring is completely covered with Elf-snot. Well, Sauron can have it now. I'm not looking after that anymore, it's revolting." "Your pocket?" Merry questioned angrily. "Your pocket? It's up my bloody nose!" "Bloody elves," said Gimli, "I knew we shouldn't have one on the quest. Never trust an Elf!" "AAAAHHHTISSSSHHHHOOO!" Another piece of gunk was dislodged from the depths of the Elf's nasal cavities, and ended up hanging from Gimli's helmet, dangling precariously in front of his face. Aragorn jumped up and restrained the Dwarf from doing any permanent damage, as Legolas tried, in vain, to withhold a smile from breaking around his lips. 'Perhaps I should consider this as a new form of archery', he mused, congratulating himself on his aim. "BOOO!" Pippin appeared from over the Elf's shoulder, looking pleased with his idea of trying to scare the sneezes away. Legolas did not flinch, not one perfect hair moved. He blinked once and replied with "AAAAAHHHHTISSSHHOO!" Pippin staggered away gagging, "water, give me water, this tastes foul." "It was a good idea Pippin, but I don't think it's particularly safe to get that close. I suppose we could try making him jump, at a distance?" Sam suggested. "AAAAAHHHHTISSSHHOO!" "How can we do that?" asked Merry, "he's going to be expecting it now." "We could always throw a bit of flaming wood at him. Set him on fire," added Gimli, unhelpfully, "he'd have to jump then, whether expecting it or not." Legolas aimed, and ..."AAAAAHHHHTISSSHHOO!" He winced in pain, and in frustration that no loose stringy bits had been shot out that time. "As amusing as it's been," Gandalf stood up, and moved closer, pointedly remaining behind Legolas, "I really should say that enough is enough. If we let Legolas carry on we risk attracting unwanted attention." "You mean you've known another way to help Legolas all this time?" asked Sam, none too pleased with the wizard. "Of course! But, nobody thought to ask me, and nobody thought to ask the Elf either. I must say, Legolas, you've been decidedly quiet on the matter." Legolas' expression mirrored that of when Gandalf had mentioned the Balrog. Gimli, on the other hand, maliciously grinned at the Elf's apprehension. "AHHHHTISSSHOO!" "It's not holding the breath that stops the sneezing, that only makes them more potent," began Gandalf. "It's fear that restrains them. Hold an Elf paralysed in fear for long enough, and it will dissipate the sneezing. So, everybody grab an Elf appendage!" Gandalf noticed an 'expression' passing across Sam's face at this command, "not THAT appendage Sam!" Pinning down the wriggling Elf was hard work; his limbs thrashed frantically, occasionally sliding about as they made contact with goo-encrusted clothing. "Now, we need to get this done quickly," said Gandalf, who was constantly on the vigil for the next sneeze. "Grab his breeches, pull them down!" "Huh?" said the hobbits in unison. "Do it, NOW!" They all saw Gandalf suddenly duck, and all the rest of them could do was brace for the impact. "AHHHHTISSSHOO!" "Now, we need a volunteer; someone who can remain motionless when under pressure, someone who can carry out great deeds without question, someone who is brave, and a true warrior at heart." "Well, that sounds as if you're describing a dwarf," said Gimli. "Oh, but I don't think you're THAT brave Gimli." said the wizard, slyly. "No, I think this calls for a rather special kind of Elf-love. Personally, I'd suggest Sam, but I'm not sure if he's got the resolve to be able to keep still for that length of time, and that could prove disastrous for Legolas. No, I think it should be our stout-hearted ranger." A worried Aragorn looked across at Gandalf, wondering what the wizard was setting him up for. Gandalf ducked once more. "AHHHHTISSSHOO! oh, ow!" "Er, what exactly do you need me to do, Gandalf?" "I need you to put the Elf in a position where he wouldn't dare sneeze." "Why me and not you?" "AHHHHTISSSHOO!" "I'm getting old, I don't have as many teeth as I used to." "Teeth? You mean you want me to..." Aragorn stammered. "Just be grateful that Elves aren't as smelly as you men are." Aragorn stood rigidly before the restrained Elf. He could see saliva beginning to drip onto the floor from the other members of the fellowship, as they gawped at the free Elven appendage. 'I'm doing this because I have to,' the ranger told himself, 'I won't enjoy this at all...' The man, who would be king, bent over and positioned his mouth around a succulent Elven sac. Drawing back his lips, so that his teeth were next to the skin, he heard Legolas take in a sudden gasp of air and stop wriggling. The next few minutes passed in an anxious silence. Smiles were on Gimli's mouth, for obvious reasons, and on Gandalf's mouth, showing his complete faith in the ranger and general amusement for the whole episode. Fear for the precious commodity of the Elf that was at risk, shadowed across the eyes of the hobbits, Boromir, and, especially, Legolas. Aragorn's face was a picture of grim concentration. Suddenly Aragorn's attention was broken by something that moved briefly against his cheek. It did it again, and he heard a hobbit gasp, and a wizard snicker. Meanwhile, Legolas squeezed his eyes shut, and prayed to the Valar to rescue him from this, as he felt his cock twitch and, once more, rub against Aragorn's face. "Oh well, I guess the fun's over. We've done it, everyone. The fact that his sexual urges are kicking in once more is an indication that the urge to sneeze has passed..." Legolas finally felt the hold of the others begin to loosen and Aragorn cover his teeth over once more. Although the earlier discomfort had now been relieved, he was painfully aware of what awaited him in the form of permanent, never-ending, sadistic, verbal abuse from the others, especially that damn dwarf. He controlled his displeasure at the thought, and concentrated on something much more important; yes, it was definitely time for the Elf to go and have a private wank.