The LOM Secret Fetish Challenge: A Fic In One Chapter by MissWilde, who feels
rather ashamed of herself right now....
TITLE: ...But I Won't Do That
PAIRING: Aragorn/Legolas, implied G/E and twincest
WARNINGS: Extreme silliness
DISCLAIMER: Just a bit of fun. Apologies for harmful mental images brought about
by this fic.
A/N: Poor old Aragorn is finding married life a little bit strange....


"Mmmmm, darling, that was lovely," sighed Legolas as he flopped back onto the
pillow, having dismounted a panting sweaty Aragorn. "Are you sure? You seemed a
bit....well, bored..." ventured the man. "Really?" replied the blonde elf.
"Whatever gave you that impression?"
"Well, to be honest, the fact that you started asking me if I thought you needed
an eyebrow wax. That, and when you stopped to wave at Elrond out of the window."
"Oh sweetcheeks, I'm sorry. You know how it is...we're not exactly in the throes
of honeymoon passion anymore are we? Still, I thought you were very good. Well
done." With that, Legolas pulled the blanket over him and rolled over.
"No, Legsy, listen to me. I've been thinking. Perhaps we ought to...you
know....try something new."
"Hmmm, perhaps you're right. I've got it! We could take up linedancing. I hear
they're doing classes every Wednesday evening in the Hall of Fire?"
"Actually that's not exactly what I had in mind. I meant perhaps we should be a
bit more....adventurous in the, ahem, bedroom department?"
"Oh, THAT sort of 'something new'! Well heavens above, why didn't you just say so?
In fact, I've sort of had this thing in mind that I've always really wanted to
do....and I know how much you love me, Aggsy, and especially now you've suggested
spicing things up a bit....it's sort of embarrassing though. Promise you won't
laugh at me?" The elf did his best Bambi eyes at his mate.
/Oh, look at him,/ thought Aragorn. /How could I resist?/ 
"Anything for you, my precious....." he smiled, pulling Legolas closer.

(Five Seconds Later)

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGHHHHHHHH!"
Elrond jumped at least three feet up from his bench as a half-dressed Aragorn-
shaped blur crashed passed him. "Estel! Whatever is the matter? Calm down now, and
tell me what's upset you so." He grabbed a gibbering, trembling Aragorn by his
arms and shook him hard. /Bloody pathetic mortals,/ he thought, /when was the last
time you saw an Elf running around naked and screeching for Eru's sake? Apart from
the time Elladan filled Glorfindel's bed with cockroaches, but honestly, who'd
expect that sort of reaction from a Balrog slayer.../ He raised an eyebrow at the
man, who was struggling to form a sentence whilst gesturing towards his
bedchamber. 
"Come, sit down, tell Daddy Elrond all about it...."

(Five Minutes Later)

"Really? Well. Oh my. Oh dear. Estel, it seems there is rather a lot you don't
know about the habits of Elves. Perhaps it's time to, er, enlighten you a
little." Elrond took a deep breath. He'd anticipated a problem like this to arise
sooner or later...ever since Aragorn's binding with Legolas, in fact. 
"Now. Think of it like this. Legolas is several hundred years old, possibly more
depending on which Tolkien website the author's been on, isn't he?"
Aragorn nodded, blinking. 
"And he hadn't, you know, done it with anyone til he met you, had he?"
Aragorn nodded again, not entirely sure where this was going.
"Well then that's several hundred years of thinking about sex, but no actual sex.
What can I say, we get frustrated...all that repressed sexual desire has to
manifest itself somehow. And this, dear Estel, is why we have such
strange....tastes." Elrond cleared his throat and looked the other way, like a
proper dad giving a 'where babies come from' speech.
"Right. So it's not just Legsy being a TOTAL PERVERT then?" muttered Aragorn.
"No! Far from it. Honestly Estel, the things I could tell you about the Elves I've
known!" A faraway look drifted across Elrond's face, and an idea began to form in
his mind... "I know. Come with me,  my boy, there's a few people I want you to
talk to..."

~......~

Erestor looked up from his books as there was a knock at his door. "Come in," he
called, and the door swung open to reveal Elrond and a dishevelled-looking Aragorn
standing there. "Evening," said Elrond. "Have you got a few minutes? There's
something Estel and I would like you to tell us about." /Sounds interesting,/
thought the councillor. "Of course; how can I be of assistance?"
"Well, our young friend here has just discovered that his beloved has a little
secret...and I was wondering if you could perhaps put his mind at ease about a few
things," ventured the Elf-lord. "Remember that thing that Glorfindel asked you to
do that time?"
Erestor turned a bit pale as he realised what Elrond was referring to. "Er,
yes...you really want me to tell Aragorn though? It might frighten him a bit..."
"Actually, I think it would pale in comparison to what he's just been asked to
do," smirked Elrond. "Go ahead."
"Right. Well, make yourselves comfortable." The pair sat down on a couch opposite
Erestor's desk, and the councillor swung his chair around. 
A little while later, Erestor had turned a charming shade of beetroot, and Elrond
was struggling to contain his giggles. Aragorn just looked shocked. "Glorfindel?
Well, who'd have thought it...I always had him down as being the dominant type. He
really likes it when you slap him with a wet glove and call him Nancy? Blimey." He
breathed out. Pehaps this thing of Legolas's wasn't so curious after all.
"Thankyou Erestor. We'll leave you to your work now." Elrond and Aragorn bid the
dark-haired Elf goodbye, and made their way off down the corridor. 
"I think we ought to pay Glorfindel a visit now...I'm sure he's got a few stories
he could tell you," whispered Elrond.

~....~

They found the legendary seneschal in the garden, waving a sword around at nobody
in particular. "Good evening, Glorfindel. I wonder if you'd care for a chat with
Estel? He's just heard all about your alter-ego Nancy, and I'm sure he's keen to
find out a few of Erestor's little quirks..."
Glorfindel's eyes narrowed. "So he told you, did he? Right, well there's no way
I'll be getting the feather duster out for a good few nights now." Aragorn's jaw
dropped. "Oh yes, I'll bet he neglected to tell you how much he likes it when I
get all hygienic on his arse now, didn't he? The dirty bitch. He goes wild when I
pull out the rubber gloves and the furniture polish, you know!"
"Er, yes, thankyou Glorfindel. I think we'll be on our way now," muttered Elrond
quickly as Aragorn looked like he was about to throw up. Glorfindel shrugged and
went back to shouting curses in Quenya at his shadow.

"Perhaps we should find the Twins. As much as I hate to think about what my
offspring get up to in the privacy of their bedchamber, we really need to calm you
down about poor old Legolas." Elrond grabbed Aragorn's arm and marched him off in
the direction of the Hall of Fire.

~....~

"Boys! Stop that, we need to talk to you." Elladan and Elrohir stood up quickly at
the sound of their father's voice, dusting themselves off and straightening their
clothing. "Sorry Ada, we were practising our best elf-to-elf unarmed combat
moves," said Elladan by way of explanation. Elrond, predictably, just raised an
eyebrow at them.
"Do you two remember when I caught you doing that thing with the Shards of Narsil
once? Well, perhaps you'd like to tell Estel here all about it. He's just
discovered Legolas has a rather unusual, er, interest."
The twins exchanged glances, and simultaneously burst into giggles. "I think I'll
leave you to it," sighed Elrond. "Just seeing where you two were putting those
bits of metal has put off swordfighting for life..." He gave Aragorn a reassuring
pat on the arm, and shut the door behind him.

~....~

A little while later, Elrond looked up from his newspaper to find Aragorn
approaching him with a smile on his face. "I just wanted to say thankyou, Lord
Elrond. At first I couldn't believe what Legsy was asking me to do - I thought I'd
married a pervert. But thanks to you, and the Elves you took me to see, I think I
understand my beloved a little bit better now. And I think it's time I let him
have his way..." Aragorn winked at the dark Elf, before making his way back across
the garden towards the chambers he shared with Legolas. 
Elrond sighed with relief. Relief not only that he had done his fatherly duties
and put his foster son's mind at rest, but relief at the fact that he had managed
to hide his copy of 'Hot Dwarf Honeyz' under his cloak before Aragorn had seen
it...

~....~

That night, strange noises could be heard coming from Aragorn and Legolas's
bedroom. Disturbed, Elrond quietly made his way down the corridor to their room.
He stopped in his tracks when he saw Glorfindel and Erestor crouched outside the
door, doubled up in silent laughter. At their feet were Elladan and Elrohir, lying
on the floor with tears streaming from their eyes. They both had a fist in their
mouth to prevent their cackles from breaking loose and disturbing the pair on the
other side of the door. 
As Elrond moved closer, he realised why the others were finding it so difficult to
control themselves. Erestor moved away from the door, gesturing to Elrond to peer
through the keyhole.
He really, really wished he hadn't bothered.

Aragorn was on all fours, wearing a saddle and bridle, with a nosebag over his
face. On his head was a giant pair of ears, and sticking out of his rear end was
something made of horsehair that looked rather uncomfortable from where Elrond was
crouching. Legolas was marching back and forth wearing full chainmail, armour and
a steel helmet, waving a nasty-looking spear in the direction of Aragorn's
haunches. He seemed to be shouting something...

"SHUT UP! Your name's not Aragorn, it's Bill the Fucking Pony! Neigh for me,
bitch! NEIGH! DID YOU HEAR ME??!!!" (thwack) "There'll be no hay for you if you're
a bad pony....SO NEIGH LIKE YOU MEAN IT!" (thwack)

Elrond didn't wait around to hear Aragorn's response. He crawled back to his
chambers, desperately trying not to piss himself with mirth. He'd heard rumours
about Mirkwood elves...Valar, they were one kinky bunch.


THE END