Title: Not Anymore Author: OKami ( baatezu@freemail.hu ) Pairings: Thranduil/Legolas Rating: nothing in this one... Summary: Thranduil' fate is decided now. Disclaimer: Tolkien's. NOT mine. Much to my regret. Don't sue, Hungarian money worths nothing. Warning: incest-ish A/N: Actually, this story is for my friend, Shiona. I love you girl, I'll miss you and I hope, you feel sorry, that I'm such a coward... Thanks for everything. Another thanks to my wonderful Beta, Christine, who gave me such sweet comments on this story. Domo arigato!! Not anymore I'm standing on the top of the green marble walls - the walls of my palace. All around me the Green Brothers are whispering - the trees of my beloved forest. They speak about my loss, I hear it and my heart feels a tiny bit less heavy, for I know that there are some, who understand my pain. Yes, I'm in pain, because I've lost something, that is dear to me. My inside throbs and my eyes burn with tears; my fist clenches and my body's so tense... I want to run like the wind, like the storm, over grassy planes and mountains... I want to grow wings and fly, to catch you, to bring you back safe in my arms, to kiss your cherry mouth and tell you, how much I love you... But I know I can't. You're far away now and besides - you wouldn't come with me, you wouldn't let me to seal your lips with mine. And you're right. My son, my dearest, my everything... Legolas! I want to scream, to curse all the Valar, the Sea, the war, that takes you away from me but I know, it'd be all in vain. I was the one who sent you away. I was the one who never asked you to stay and now I'm the one who has to suffer, to pay for the sins I've committed against you... Oh, how I grieve over my past deeds now! Oh, how much I have regretted my lack of kindness, my lack of courage... Kindness to show, courage to be weak... My only son, blood from my blood... Legolas! I taught you to be strong, to stand up for the things you believe in, to follow your heart's words; I taught you pride and bravery. But I never gave you enough love and comfort. I was afraid to. I was afraid, that if you see me weak, you'd mock me. You loved me. you admired me, the strong, proud and steel-hard father, warrior and king. And I thought, you're like me, you don't tolerate the weakness. So I showed no "weakness". Not even for you. No kisses, no embraces, no comforting words, anything. And now I know that I was a fool, a fool, a FOOL! My beloved son... my lonely one... Legolas!! I was blind, I was wrong, wrong, wrong! I sent you away to Rivendell when Elrond's message came in and you smiled at me and got up on your horse. You rode away and I looked after you and suddenly, my chest tightened and my feet became weak and the world went blurry before my eyes... I had to grab the railing to keep myself standing. And that night... I had a dream. I saw you and the others - shadows and ghosts comparing to your light - and grassy planes and mountains you will cross under the watching eye of Sauron... Then, I saw the Sea and a graceful ship sailing on the waves towards the setting Sun and I knew it is your ship for I saw the green- brown flag of Mirkwood flattering in the breeze. I tried to reach out but I couldn't and I woke up screaming your name. My heart was throbbing like an orc war-drum and I knew, that this dream would come true. I realized, that I'm going to lose you. My beloved son... my life... my love... Legolas!! From that day, I dreamt about you. I saw, where you are and I felt, that you're stubbornly resisting me; you didn't want me to know, what you are doing. Sometimes you shut your mind from me for weeks and I felt so cold on those nights... I wanted to see you, I wanted to touch you, for to be sure that you're still alive... And after the third time, I realized, that I fell in love with you. I didn't want to believe it first but as my dreams and the lonely nights went on, I had to admit it. Thranduil, King of Mirkwood fell in love with his son. I was ashamed, nervous and angry, I worked out my frustration with the Orcs, leading a patrol on our borders but it didn't helped. And I had only myself to blame; I guess all the love of the decades, which wasn't spilled out from my heart... it crystallized and turned into a burning flame. Now, it glows and dances and slowly turns me into ashes. My love, my soul, my everything... Legolas...! It is all over now; I felt your joy, so the quest has ended. I felt your relief, so you're heading home. But I feel something inside of you... something blue. Wind... water... soft murmur of the waves... You fell in love with the Sea. I can feel it and my heart feels like as though it could break any moment. I didn't lost you in battle. You survived for you're a strong and skilled warrior, a pride of Mirkwood... but you crave the Sea and you'll sail to the Undying lands... without me. I wanted to stay. I have dwelled in this forest for a long time and I just couldn't imagine that I'll go to the West. I had a fair chance to fall in battle before I could do it anyway. But since you'll leave, I have to leave too. The ships will be built. I've already sent the messengers to the Gray Havens. Some of my folk are eager to go; some of them want to enjoy life a bit longer, dangerously but freely, like they always did. I guess, I'll be the last to go... but in the end, I just have to leave my forest and sail away... for I can't go on without you. My Legolas... Legolas! LEGOLAS! Welcome, my son. Farewell, my son. I'm so sorry, that I wasn't a good father. I can only hope, that we can make amends and that you allow me to love you like I should have always done... But I guess, you will forgive me. You love me. My body relaxes, my breath slows down. A smile comes on my lips and tears come into my eyes. My son, we'll start over again. And now, I won't be afraid. Not anymore. I love you. Legolas...