Alpha: Fawsley Beta: Half Elf Lost Pairing: Merry/Ghân-buri-Ghân Rating: R Warnings: Drug taking, body marking, implied anal sex, naked hobbits, great liberties taken with the distant history of the Took clan, sense of humour required Disclaimer: Not my characters, they belong to The Professor Author’s Note: If you don’t remember who Ghân-buri-Ghân is or if – heaven forbid! – you’re one of the sad unenlightened few who have yet to read the books, then please go here: (http://www.tuckborough.net/othermen.html#Gh%E2n-buri-Gh%E2n) first,You’ll have to scroll down a little to find the entry for Ghân. ******************** Not such a good idea after all ******************** After ten paces he was reminiscing about the other wooded places he’d explored. The Green-Hill Country, the Old Forest, Fangorn itself. He’d even seen the fringes of Mirkwood, though only from a distance. After twenty paces he realised that the climate inside the forest bore no relation to that outside. The heat and humidity were already almost unbearable. After thirty paces it seemed a good idea to shed some layers and rearrange his pack. Maybe leave a few items as a marker where he had entered the forest to ease his return journey. Turning around within the silent glade to check his route, he realised that he was not alone. In fact, he was totally surrounded. ************************************************************** ‘I am not a man, I’m a hobbit!’ ‘Look like man. Small man.’ ‘Not a man. A hobbit. My name is Brandybuck. Meriadoc Brandybuck of The Shire.’ ‘Hmmm. Why small man in forest when King-of-stone-houses says men must not enter?’ ‘I came to, well, to find things out. And I’m not a man, though some say hobbits and men must be related somehow, far back. But too far back now for any to remember how. Old Bullroarer was supposedly tall enough to ride a horse which does suggest that in elder days there was…’ ‘Silence! King-of-stone-houses say no man to enter forest. You enter forest. Ghân-buri-Ghân say you not enter forest. Rule is broken. Now you must die.’ ‘But I’m not a man! I’m a hobbit! How many times do I have to tell you? And Strider I mean Ara… I mean King-of-stone-houses – he says no man must enter The Shire either, so you see, we’re the same and I’m not a man.’ ‘What is this Shaaar?’ ‘Not Shaaar. The Shire. It’s my home, like the forest is your home. And King-of-stone-houses says no man may enter there either. Only hobbits. And I’m a hobbit, not a man. So you see, you can’t kill me.’ ‘Hhhmmmm. Ghân-buri-Ghân not want you in his forest. Why you come here?’ ‘Well, as I said, I came here to find things out…I was there when you spoke to King Théoden, I mean Father of Horse-men, and showed us the way along the Stonewain Valley. You helped us save Minas Tirith, I mean Stone- houses. And I was there with Ara…I mean King-of-stone-houses when he gave the forest to you forever. And, well, I…I just like finding things out. I have written much on the lore of hobbits and of The Shaaar I mean The Shire…’ ‘Lore?’ ‘Yes - lore! History! Memories! Unlike my good friend Peregrine Took who just remembers it off the top of his head, I actually write…’ ‘Tûk?’ ‘No – Took. Peregrine Took, he’s my cousin, sort of. Now he…’ ‘Tûk! Tûk Tûk Tûk!’ ‘Err, yes…Tûk…’ ‘You know Tûk?’ ‘Well, as I said, he’s my cousin but really he’s my best friend, in fact more like a brother because we’ve known each other since…’ ‘Tûk! Ah! Bran-meri-Bran know Tûk! Then Bran-meri-Bran brother to Ghân- buri-Ghân! In ages past Great Tûk lead Drughu from mountains to forest when bad tall men come. Great Tûk save Drughu! Great Tûk praised by Drughu! Bran-meri-Bran brother to Great Tûk! Now Bran-meri-Bran brother to Ghân-buri-Ghân!’ ‘Err, well it’s better than being killed I suppose…’ ‘Bran-meri-Bran and Ghân-buri-Ghân must bond in honour of Greak Tûk!’ ‘Bond?!’ ‘Tûk!’ The flames reached high into the night sky. An endless hypnotic throb of drums filled his ears, whilst all he could breath was the thick acrid smoke that surrounded him. He couldn’t remember anything from what had passed between Ghân-buri-Ghân deciding that they were brothers to his now being naked and bent forwards over a large stone and held there by two particularly well-muscled Woses. He was no match for either of them, let alone both. Deciding to explore Drúadan Forest by himself was maybe not such a good idea after all. Then the chanting began. Ghân-buri-Ghân approached out of the darkness into a pool of light cast by the fire. He had lost the grass skirt which was all he had worn previously. Not that it had covered much - Merry had hardly known where to look during their conversation. And now, there was the threat of ‘bonding’. He didn’t like thinking about that. ‘Ghân-buri-Ghân and Bran-meri-Bran brothers!’ ‘Hoy-thaa!’ shouted the assembled Woses. ‘Ghân-buri-Ghân and Bran-meri-Bran bond in honour of Great Tûk!’ ‘Hoy-thaa!’ ‘Ghân-buri-Ghân mark Bran-meri-Bran. Show bond! Show we are brothers!’ ‘Hoy-thaa!’ ‘Erm…mark?!’ ‘Brand of brothers! Mark of Tûk!’ Ghân-buri-Ghân was not only naked but shining with some sort of foul- smelling oil. He glistened as he danced lumpishly in the firelight, shouting and stamping to the rhythm of the drums, wielding what seemed to be a short wand. ‘Mark of Tûk!’ he yelled, shoving the wand into Merry’s face. Which was when the hobbit recognised it was not wand but a branding iron, and a Rhohirric one at that. An everyday object that had been lost or stolen had ended up as a sacred talisman to the Woses. ‘Ooooh no! No! Please no! Not a horse-brand! Nooo!’ But Ghân-buri-Ghân was ecstatic on drums and song and the delight of finding his long-lost brother-in-Tûk. An acolyte approached and doused the chieftain in yet more stinking oil as the beat grew faster and the flames shot higher. ‘Hoy-thaa! Hoy-thaa! Hoy-thaa!’ The brand was thrust into the fire until it glowed an angry red. ‘Hoy-thaa! Hoy-thaa! Hoy-thaa!’ as the púkel-man approached his victim’s upended backside. ‘Hoy-thaa! Hoy-thaa! Hoy-thaa!’ Merry cursed himself with every curse he knew. What had he been thinking of, entering the forbidden territory of the wild men on his own like this? Treebeard was not going to come crashing out of the undergrowth to save him. Gandalf wasn’t going to suddenly appear white and shining on Shadowfax to whisk him back to safety. ‘Brand! Bond! Brand! Bond! Hoy-thaa! Hoy-thaa! Hoy-thaa!’ He knew now what the branding was going to entail and he could guess, from the aroused state of Ghân-buri-Ghân’s far-too-large púkel-hood, what the bonding process would involve as well. He was less of a Bran-meri-Bran than a Tûk -fool-of-a- Tûk … As the drums grew wilder and more ferocious, as the double agony of brand and bond seared through him, he could only scream for his friend… ‘Pippin….!’ ‘Hoy there Merry! Hoy there!’ - cough cough cough - ‘Meriadoc Brandybuck what have you been doing in here? It’s taken me ten minutes to beat the door down! For goodness sakes let me open the windows and get you some fresh air!’ ‘Nngghh?’ ‘You’ve been smoking that weed we stole from Maggot’s barn, haven’t you? I knew there was something wrong with the stuff! My head’s spinning already! Let’s get you out of here. There’s a hot bath in my room, that’ll do you good. Well, it’s not as hot as it was, but it won’t be cold yet. And the water’s not too dirty, I was only in there for a while…’ ‘Pippin? Pip? Is that really you?’ ‘Course it’s me Merry! Who else did you think it was?’ ‘Oh Pip I had the most horrible dream!’ ‘Never mind, old chap. Let’s get you out of here and clear your head a little. Whatever it was, it was only a dream. Though I don’t think you should indulge in any more of Maggot’s weed for a while. Fine as it might look, I think smoking it might be not such a good idea after all.’ ‘Oh Pippin it was awful! There were… I was… I can’t quite remember now…’ ‘Just forget it, old man. Come on, let’s get you undressed and into the bath. There we go. Off with the shirt…pooh! You don’t half smell! And your trousers… and your drawers… goodness, what have you been up to? You’re all oily!’ ‘Oily?’ ‘And… Sauron’s balls, Merry! How did you get that brand on your arse?!’ Finis