FIC: If I Can Author: Roska Durton (solaris_789@hotmail.com) Rating: will be NC-17 (I think) Pairing: Hugo/Orli Hugo/Billy Orli/Vig Disclaimers: I do not claim to know theses people or own them I make no profit from this work of fiction and by reading this fic you are agreeing not to sue me as all I have to offer is my cardboard box on wheels! Series' summary: Hugo likes Orli But Orli Likes Viggo and doesn’t notice Hugo, well what is an all powerful elf lord going to do about it!! Summary: First day on set Archives: OEAM, CIB, Daydreams, Fellow shippers and anyone else who wants it! Just ask I wont say no! Feedback: Makes the world go round Author's notes: There will be one OC female and a mate of Orli’s (those who have read the unnamed series yep you guessed it its Jessica) she will be involved with Liv but there will be no close detail on the relationship unless I am asked for it! The lyrics are ‘Dead in the water’ by David Gray, and one line is stolen shamelessly stolen from the English advert for yellow pages (the one with yoga and James Nesbitt). Beta: Thing and Almost Grey Dedication: Duke Donatello (Co author of “Chocolate muffins with the mask of Zorro”) the creator of the ferret fish, which she is kindly lending me for this fic, and Jess because without her I wouldn’t have my OC xxxxx If I can – chapter one introductions all around! I get the weirdest of roles. I’ve been a drag queen and a kung-fu computer bad-guy agent and now I’m playing a fucking elf! Pointy ears flowing robes and all. This is just too weird… I’m sitting at my make up station and its 5am (how ungodly is that!) and I don’t see me in the reflection of the mirror, I mean I know its me… but its not. If that make any kind of fucking sense what so ever. I look to my left and see some bloke called Bret Mackenzie (one of the extras) going through the same bizarre transformation he looks about as scared as me, well fuck you mate! My character has a name and lines; I'm more likely to screw up than you plus I have to get on with the rest of the fucking cast! Strewth! What the hell have I gotten my self into! Right Hugo, calm down, this is just another role, pick up the script like a good little boy and read through your scene one last time…see not so hard is it now… keep reading and memorising, well done now all you have to do is keep this up for another… ‘Hugo You’re needed on set!’ bloody runners disturbing my reading! Well I supposed I should face the firing squad. I step out of the trailer trying not to fall over the robes and make my way on to set. I have to congratulate the set builders the set is in a word breathtaking. Now is that one word or two, maybe even hyphenated? God I’m thinking crap its too fucking early and I need a coffee! Opps I think I said that last bit out loud the same runner has just run off to the food tent. Personal slaves not bad ill have to remember that one. Crikey here come PJ ‘G’day Hugo, How are we feeling excited about being our very own lord Elrond?’ I am a natural born liar ‘G’day Pete. I’m good thanks, never been more excited in my life!’ said with the ease and grace of, well, an elf! Oh the irony! ‘Come with me I want to introduce you to the rest of the cast!’ FUCK FUCK FUCK I’m not ready for human contact yet!!! I walked with PJ to the centre of the set biting my nails all the way (every one has to have the dirty hobbits biting my nails and smoking just happen to be some of mine!) all I can say is I'm not the only one who so tired they can barley keep there eyes open PJ introduces me to ‘the fellowship’. “Every one gather round I would like to introduce you all to Hugo Weaving our every own Lord Elrond!” if I said PJ enthusiasm about me was as great as the rest of the cast I would be lying they all vaguely looked up grumbled ‘hi’ then went about looking dead. Great start! ‘Come on guys, wake up! Where is our elf? ‘ The question was yet again met with grumbled ‘dunno’ ‘Viggo can you look after Hugo and introduce him to people *properly*! I have work and some one find the elf! Hugo I will talk to you later.’ And with that Peter Jackson the human hobbit hobbled of to see to some of the extras. ‘Great guy. A bit eccentric. But a great guy!’ I turned to the source of the voice to see a very rugged looking attractive tall bloke with the most amazing blue-grey eyes. ‘Hi I’m Viggo Mortensen lets get you acquainted shall we? Hugo met: Sean Bean’ ‘Hi mate’ Only just got round the accent. ‘Ian McKellen’ The Veteran. ‘Great to met you fine fellow!’ Ever the gentleman. ‘John Rhys-Davies’ WOW the guy from Indiana Jones! A little wave. ‘The hobbits: Elijah wood’ ‘Hey! How does it feel to be in a movie!’ I glared at the youngest hobbit. You just stuck your foot in it little man, those blue eyes of you’re wont get you any where after that comment! Thankfully another hobbit saw my conundrum and save me from doing something stupid! ‘Hi I’m Billy Boyd!’ defiantly a Scot. ‘Great to finally met you! You were FAN-BLOODY-TASTIC in the matrix by the way amazing to have you here!’ After that I sneaked a look at Elijah going bright red as realization of who I am dawned upon him and the stupidity of his comment. Ha think before you speak little ma or you career will go straight down the dunny! ‘Have you met the other elves yet?’ continued the Scot who appeared to be on drugs ‘i.e. the prissy prince of Mirkwood?’ I had to laugh at the obvious friend ship that shone from the little guys green eyes, he was short man youthful looking about 5” 7’ with a sandy brown colour for hair, he was taller than Elijah, who was about 5” 6’ who, although could be called a man because of age still maintained his boyish good looks. Bastard. ‘Nah our primping prince still hasn’t got his scrawny arse to set yet’ piped in a British voice ‘Hi there mate! Dom Monaghan at your service. I play merry.’ This guy was a very good-looking little fellow with what I am guessing is a very fine physique under that fat suit. ‘ I see you’ve met every one cept for the twat.’ ‘Twat?’ I asked confused by the bounciness of all the hobbits. ‘Orlando Bloom, Our elf, great guy, very affectionate and the cheekbones of Adonis!’ I laughed at that comment cheekbones of Adonis sound nice! ‘Maybe we should send Viggo after him, but who knows how long them two will be playing with Anduil! If you get my drift?’ giggled the Scot I have to say at this point it is very disturbing to see a grown man giggle and not look like a complete wanker. ‘The old man couldn’t keep up.’ Drawled the sexiest voice I have ever heard in my entire life. The voice came from behind me and the Scot immediately shut up and said. ‘Orli met Hugo weaving you know Agent Smith from the matrix?’ I turned round slowly to see if the creature matched the voice. All I saw was a glimpse of long golden hair (obviously a wig cause of chestnut eyes brows) two blues eyes, perfect bone structure and a mouth begging to be kissed. He was quite literally stunning. Cause I fell to the floor as I fainted. Chapter two- Escapades at the pub. Do you know that feeling when you wake up with a really, really bad hangover your head is pounding, you don’t want to move and you feel like your going to empty the contents of your stomach on the next person to touch you? Imagine that but ten times worse mixed in with the smell of vinegar. That’s how I felt when I woke up. I believe my opening line for this chapter was: ‘Grrrrpghffff’ followed by the worlds classiest ‘fuck off’ ‘He’s OK!’ Why wont that bloody Scot shut up! He (Billy) then proceeded to lean down by side and helped me sit up. Oh how dignified “Hi! I’m Hugo weaving I make great first impressions!” ‘Are you allrigh’ mate you hit your head quite hard on the table when you fell. You’ve been out almost an hour Peter shat a brick and was just about to phone an ambulance! Do you need one?’ Nice guy. Hell laugh at me later they all will unless…. Excuses think of an excuse! ‘Nah I’m ok. I don’t know what came over me, could be the drugs, I’m trying a new type for my headaches’ Nice one! No small wonder why you were top of the class Hugo, old boy! ‘Doctor said they could cause blackouts didn’t think he was serious!’ Billy just nervously laughed he was about to reply when the human Hobbit ran into the room smiled at me said ‘Can you act?’ I nodded and he bounded out of the trailer and yelled ‘EVERY ONE ON SET NOW!’ I got up aided by the Billy (I like this little man) and exited the trailer, to be met with cheers from the cast and crew and… cute very cute pity there not the first; most the fellowship were there ‘Lij, Dom, Sean A, Beanie, Sir Ian, John RD, the Dane (I forget his name) and finally orlando no don’t look at him, Well done! Smoothly does it! Any way they were all in a line standing straight, all with dark glasses and earpieces. I did the friendly thing and laughed then …whatis name? The Dane…. God is it V…V.. Viggo? Yeah that’s it Viggo, came up to me. ‘How ya doin’? Sorry bout that we can get a lil carried away’ he then gestured to sunglasses clad group. ‘Bet you get it all the time.’ It wasn’t a question but I answered anyway as I took my que on set. I whispered in his ear so not to attract attention, of course. ‘You have no idea, none what so ever.’ This man was annoyingly attractive and had a voice almost as sexy as beanie’s. This has to be the best looking cast on a film ever. Not that I’m complaining. ‘Lights..Camera.. ACTION!’ Shit! Work to do, lines! ‘Strangers from distant lands, friends of old.’ Oh my fucking god I should not have done that . ‘You are summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor.’ I looked at him. No wonder I fainted he’s just grihngnkjklnsjr!!!! ‘Middle-Earth stands on the brink of destruction. You will unite or you will fall.’ Calm breaths don’t look! DON’T! I SAID DON’T now I’m not concentrating. ‘Bring forth the ring, Elijah. FUCK! I mean frodo sorry Pete’. Peters kiwi accent boomed over the loud speaker ‘don’t worry Hugo take it from the top’ ‘Strangers from distant lands, friends of old.’ Here we go again. And this is why the council of Elrond scene took five days to shoot cause I couldn’t take my eyes of the prince of Mirkwood. So we had to do the same lines again and again and again. Though I hate to admit it, it *was* a laugh and Orlando is a really nice guy once you get over the looking at him and not fainting part! Sadly though, I spent most of my time talking to Sir Ian McKellen about plays we have done and about plays we would like to do. I also found my self-enjoying the company of the hobbits. Yes even Elijah, who it really rather charming, pity he is so young. But Billy he could be fun…if you catch my drift. But I still couldn’t keep my eyes off Orlando every time I look at him I feel like I’m going to throw up (in a good way) or cry cause he is just so damn beautiful. Stop it you’re staring again. God I need to find a fault in this man or I am so screwed. I want him, and I will have him. If I can… I’ve been invited for drinks with the fellowship, well the hobbits, elf and men. The wizard and dwarf declined the offer and wished me good luck. I have to admit I was getting a bit nervous. I went over to make up and got out of the wig, robes and semi- pointy ears (bloody half-breed, I wanted the full pointy ears dammit!). Then I Changed into my jeans, and met Billy and Dom mucking around by the car waiting for ‘Lij, Sean A and me. I swear If those do don’t hook up at some point in these two years of filming I will wear that bloody butterfly clip that Elrond, the poof, wears for my wife… In bed! (God bless my wife and our open relationship!) She’s off shagging our lawyer at the mo if I’m correct and if I get my way ill be shagging the elf. But at the moment I’m so horny I’ll shag the Scot while he is still single! All of us drove to the pub talking, joking, flirting, me asking questions about Orlando. So far I’ve found out he's bi, which is good. He likes older men, which is bloody fantastic, he’s a daredevil, clumsy, forgetful and gets what he wants…I like! We arrived at the pub, had a few drinks got to know a few people saw Orlando or Orli, as he likes to be called out of costume. He lacks that certain Elvin grace and true he is clumsy but even with that god awful Mohawk he still manages to look sexy as hell. Even with that ridiculously loud PINK shirt and YELLOW socks. I have never wanted him more. But all he seems to do is eye up Viggo. Fuck him – grrrrr! I casually push my way over to the pair and join in their conversation easily fitting in. Orli makes fun of my Ozzie accent and I make fun of his posh boy Kent accent. All is very, very good. I’m sitting drinking subtly flirting. But Orli only wants to talk to Viggo fair enough the Dane is rather attractive but I want in! Both seem oblivious to my actions and it’s driving me up the wall. I’m just about go in the deep end with a cheesy chat up line – “ If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?” – when Orli decides he needs the loo, so me and Viggo carry on chatting and I can feel the green eyed monster eating away in side of me, Viggo is everything I’m not rugged, deep, artsy etc and its impossible to dislike him so I hate him. In the love hate sort of way. ‘Hey Hugo! What you doing over here your missing Dom and Elijah make complete fucking idiots of them selves!!!’ I look down into the Scots green eyes for a wee fellow he’s very attractive and very my type if it wasn’t for Orli id be shagging him into the mattress! I was about to decline, to try again with Orli, but then Viggo decides to join Orli in the loos and buggers off so I follow Billy over to the hobbits and Beanie’s table where Dom and lij. As promised were making arses of themselves by were having a fight over the nature of space and time, why people get philosophical when there pissed is beyond me! But then again I just get horny. After about 10mins general chat and a well placed couple of touches to Billy, which I have to add were returned! I started to worry about my favourite elf; he and Viggo had been in the loos an awful long time. I got up and headed for the loos I’ve had a bit too much to drink so my vision is slightly blurry. I opened the door to the men’s to find it’s completely empty, strange, I look into all the cubicles and can hear really strange moaning noises, some cheeky buggers shagging in here! Who’s the lucky lass then? Me being the perverted fucker I am has to have a look. I walked down the isle of loos opening one at a time one, empty, two, empty, three… empty. Four…Oh my god…Viggo is leaning against the cubicle side and orlando is on his knees sucking him off, Orli hasn’t noticed me but Viggo has and gives me one hell of a wicked grin then moans loudly as he closes his eyes. I slowly turn around gob smacked and head out. Great now I’m horny, with a raging hard on I need relief. I grab the Scot by the hand and drag him with me on my way out and hail a taxi. Chapter 3 – Pillow scheming I woke up this morning blissfully happy. Like right after fantastic sex. So expecting to find the bed empty flung my arm, out only to encounter flesh. Here is my train of thought for that amazing moment in time. Hmmmm soft…fleshy…. human…. got some! Score! Who…so very drunk…. Orlando? Shit voiced that…STREWTH!!! BILLY… fuck what now. I'm sorry, but isn’t that one of the nastiest things you can do? Call out last night’s playmates, friend’s names, one word, miaw. I am so going to have an even bigger reputation of being a wanker now, bollocks. Any way back to the present situation. “No sorry to disappoint but its Billy, a hobbit.” Arrg didn’t sound to happy “Shit Bill’s I’m sorry.” “Not a problem mate, not like were married or anything plus I was thinking of Dom.” It took a moment for that comment to register being ridiculously early. But when it did I think my expression then was that of a goldfish. You know mouth agape wide eyes. Its not that I didn’t know they would get together it was the fact he was sleeping with ME! If your going to shag me then at least think of me! Am not happy now. “I’m not surprised. I always thought there was something between you two.” “Well not yet, but I have a plan. Any way that’s for later. You and Orlando?” “No. Orli and Viggo” Ego is still hurting might I add, hence the next comment “I found Orli giving Viggo head in the loo’s yesterday. You should have seen the look on Viggo’s face. Talk about the cat that got the cream” shouldn’t that be Orli though? Kinky, I know but really couldn’t care less…but I do… which is an arse. “Harsh man… have ye thought of telling him?” “Gods no! I want him to come to me… Why haven’t you spoken to Dom?” “I want him to come to me” Oh that little grin is back. Now I remember the night before properly, I will tell you a little known secret about William Boyd…He is the kinkiest little bugger I know, and I no a lot of kinky people. “We appear to have got our selves into a bit of a situation Mr Boyd” I said in my, oh-so-wonderful Smithy voice. I got a giggle. If he weren’t up for another round he wouldn’t giggle. (well that’s how I took it anyway) So I did what any man in my position would do. I started to molest him. Running my hand down his pleasantly surprising well-formed chest he replied. “It appears we have… What are we going to do about it?” I didn’t answer, just grinned wickedly as I moved down the bed to take his already hardening cock into my mouth. “Well that’s one option buut it doesn’t. OH! Sort anyyyytthhhing out...” it was about then when Bill lost his power of speech. Now for an analogy of bill: Name: William Boyd (fuck knows if he has a middle name) Age: 30 Nationality: Scottish Build: Small but perfectly formed (especially in the nether regions…mind you its really not so small at all I guess what they say about short people is true…they really do have big dicks.) Hobbies: Acting, Singing, Bass, kinky bugger, little slut. Fetish: dirty talk and when I say dirty I mean diirrrtttyyy, grrrr. Now it is important to know that from reading this little part of my life, that I come across as a crass, rude arrogant, obnoxious bugger. The main thing to remember is that I have a caring side too. Its just not showing much today… You see I got bored to sucking his cock so I stopped; all is fair in love and war. I climbed up to met Bill yet again and kissed him soundly on the lips be fore he could protest. Determined to take control this time, but he was having none of it. Within a split second I found my self one my back, wrists held above my head and a Scots man in between my legs. “Last night was good yes?” I didn’t trust my self to speak, last time I did he didn’t let me come for ½ an hour. Not good. So I simply nodded. “Then this will blow your mind. Yes it will hurt. But by the end of it you will be writhing so much you wont give a flying shite and will be beggin’ me for more faster and harder. I swear to god I actually shivered. Then the tosser in a very romantic proceeded to spit on his hand rub it over his dick and stuck it in me. Sarcasm is great at times don’t ya think? It didn’t actually hurt as much as I expected which was a good thing but as he was pounding away he kept prattling on, not the usual dirty stuff but a plan, I was trying my hardest to listen but I was in a very vulnerable position so I wasn’t really paying that much attention, I think that’s why I agreed. This is all I under stood: B: “I have a. Oh my fucking god, so tight…Plan” thrust, thrust, trust Me: “OH AHHH GRRR AHHH” god I’m so loud B: “ It will ahh! Help both…of…us” nibble, bite, change angle. Me: “OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” I come very hard all over my stomach B: “All we 'ave to JESUS do is to AHH Orli and DOM… jealous… and FORget and VIGGO!” not finished yet keeps attacking my prostate. Me: “ STREWTH FUCK ME!” growing hard again B: “So if we pre-FUCKING HELL –tend to be together…OHHHH or just Slut about That should do the TRICK!!!” getting harder and faster Both: “OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH AAAAARRRRRRRRRRG! *Pant pant pant*” both have one of the best orgasms in the world. So that is how I agreed to help Billy get Dom, and me get Orli. After that I didn’t think much about our little scheme just got up showered together, did it again (horny little shit), got dressed and went to the set usual day really. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Look at them sitting there practically shagging each other in between takes, Viggo keeps looking at me with his silly little artists smile. Bastard. Billy of course whenever Dom was around was on me like a shot. Yet although Dom’s interest was being piped Orli didn’t give a shit and just looked happy for us. This went on for weeks. This little charade we we’re playing: Billy wants Dom, Dom wants Billy both to chicken shit to say anything, I want Orli, Orli wants Viggo and Sean Bean keeps giving me eyes…fat chance mate you’re going to be Viggo’s fall back, I have it all planned every thing was fine and working out… Then she came along and ruined every thing. Chapter 4 – Of Hobbits, elves, rangers and models. Jessica fucking Ashton I hate her already… She is stunning, clever, talented and Orli best mate; I hate her; look at her all over him. “Oh I love you honey how have you been, lalala…Look at me I’m a fucking whore; watch me drape my self all over him” die bitch… Every thing was going so well! Actually no… it bloody well wasn’t, I mean things are going fine for Billy. Even though he cant see It; Dom’s anger is slowly welling up he will burst any day now, but good old Viggo (who, now, is one of my best friends; remember in the words of Choderlos De Lalcos “keep your friend close and your enemies closer”) is still obsessed with Orli, pity he no longer pays any attention to him cause he is so wrapped up in her. Take this for example: The cast were out for dinner the seating arrangement was something like Sir Ian at the head of the table (going clockwise) followed by Liv, Jess, Orli, Viggo, Beanie, JRD, Dom, Billy, me, Craig and finally Elijah. This has to be one of the worst nights in existence. I am sitting opposite the beaut that is Orlando and am being molested very subtly under the table by a kinky Scot who appears to be in deep conversation with Viggo. Orli is having what appears to be a very funny convo with dear slut who is sitting there batting her eyelids, prattling on about some casting she went to for some poncy company, Oh did I forget to mention? She’s a Fucking model for fucks sake! Craig and ‘Lij are chatting away merrily about some band called the breaking marrows… Moldy peaches…Smashed Tomato, any way some band about destroying vegetables; Liv, bless her, is trying in vain to get Jess and Orlando’s attention but is failing miserably. Dom looks like he could skewer my head right here right now and Beanie and the dwarf are oblivious to everything. About the time I’ve taken every one in, noticed what is going on; things get a little bit more, lets say, difficult to pay attention. The molesting is getting worst; Billy’s hand is idly running up and down my cock in a slow agonising way. I had to look somewhere else rather than the bulge in my trousers, which is soon going to become very obvious to Craig and I really don’t want to have to answer his questions. I needed somewhere to look. So my eyes, naturally, fell on Orli, beautiful, sensual, charming, witty and probably a hell of a fuck, Orli. I watched the slow curve of his cheeks redden when the whore said some thing “amusing”. I watched his eyes light up and his mouth open in a wide toothy grin. God I was getting harder by the second, and having a Scot, rodgers you under the table really doesn’t help. I let a moan and an embarrassingly loud one at that. All conversation stopped and all eyes were on me, including the gorgeous ones of Mr Bloom. I had to think quickly. “Cut my finger,” I said placing it in my mouth and sucking it, while kicking a sniggering Billy under the table. Every one seemed to accept this and went back to there conversation but two pairs of blue-grey eyes were still on me; Dom, looking like he would kill me then and there and the slut, Jessica, I watched her as a slow grin spread on her face; she flicked her eyes from Billy to me to Dom and finally to Orli. My scowl confirmed her suspicion and she turned back to Orli with a know-it-all expression and took up the earlier topic. So in conclusion life is no longer good; I have one hobbit after my blood, one after my balls a ranger who I want gone, a fellow elf who I am falling for and a cocky model who has worked every thing out. Plus on top of all that I have a scene where Elrond briefly talks to Legolas, I don’t have a fucking clue how I am going to survive. I am just going to stay seated in my make up chair and relax, think un- sexy thoughts and calm down…. “Oi! ‘Rondy!” oh fuck there goes that plan out the window “ I though we could go over the script; I really want to get this part right?” there is that smile, god damn the boy and that smile. “Um yeah sure,” trying not to sound to desperate I think it worked; cause the temporary prince of Mirkwood didn’t look scared and sidled up on the chair right next to me. “Now I feel this scene should be really intense you know? I mean Thranduil and Elrond hate each other (lovers tiff in my opinion) but I feel that Leggy and Elrond would have a good relationship” this all came out in a rush, like he couldn’t wait to get started. God I wish I had his enthusiasm. “Hello? Hugo. Are you listening to me? I asked what you thought” “Sorry got distracted,” by that mouth of yours. “ I completely agree, except for the part about Elrond and Thranduil being lovers,” “Well most of the obsessed book fans think it was a lovers tiff” his faced morphed into a devilish little know it all grin, too bloody similar to Jessica’s. Come to think of it there are very similar, both tall roughly bout the same height maybe she is a bit shorter around 5ft 9, and her eyes are blue-grey, not brown, but they both have gorgeous cheekbones but she has fuller lips and stronger features and of course the amazing curves, kinda make a difference too. They do look alike though if you know what I mean? If you don’t then screw you! “HUGO!” “What?” “Lost you again!” “I am really, not with it today,” “Want me to come back some other time?” “NO!” I couldn’t have just printed desperate across my forehead but I have a feeling makeup would have my guts for garters. “No its just I’m tired I’ve been working solidly for days, how about I drop by yours later?” Now I thought that was quite smooth. “Yeah, sure! That would be great! Know the way?” bingo. “Yes I do… ill be there at 6” “Class… I got to go, or Pete will kill me.” God that laugh, really can rub you up the right way; you know what I mean? Oh god I dint just say that did I? I’m stating to sound English, that cannot be good. I need a come back. “Careful, if he does kill you, your whole life will flash before your eyes… cup of tea, almost got laid, cup of tea, cup of tea, almost got laid” I’m so witty it amuses me. Actually I think it’s a line from Buffy, shite there goes my creditability out the window. “Now you see Hugo,” Orli minces as he walks to set “For me it would be 'Got laid, had a cup of tea, got laid, had a fag, got laid, had a cup of tea!” He is gone before I can throw my script at him. Why did I have to fall for someone like him? I all ways go for the ones I cant have and its fucking shite, I will tell you that now. My message to all of you is lower you’re standard and take what you can get, unless of course its some one like Orlando who I might add will be mine. Chapter 5 - The ferret fish kisser. I’m panicking like a little schoolgirl and it’s not funny. Its half six; cause I’m fashionably late, and I have been standing at Orlando’s front door for the past 10 minuets. I have dressed well for the occasion, nice dark blue jeans not to tight not so lose that I look like a wanna be teenager. I have a nice dark beige shirt with an added feel quality to it, paired with a dark brown belt and matching shoes, I feel sexy and sophisticated and for once in my life I know I wont be shown up. Cause we all know Mr Blooms dress sense. Any way back on track I’m still standing on Orlando’s porch looking like an arsehole. So I’m thinking its time I knock, after all, it’s the polite thing to do. I raise my fist ready to knock on the door, where its swings inward and I get ran into…By Jessica. “Oh its you.” I say. (I made it clear that I did not like the other day when she tried to confront me about the Dom, Billy, Me and Orli situation I believe my choice of words were – “Fuck off you meddling cow”) “Oh its you. What are your plans to seduce Orli today?” she drawled “I have to say….Good luck….cause he is head over heals with the mighty amazing Viggo…” Now that got my curiosity. “You don’t like Viggo?” “Its not that I don’t like him cause I do.” I gave her a very disbelieving stare. “Don’t look at me like that! I’m chuffed to buggery that Orli has some one.” “But …” I know I’m shit stirring but hey what can you do? “Hmmmm I shouldn’t be telling you this.” “NO you shouldn’t which is exactly why you should. She laughed “Point taken…. Viggo hmm ….He just a bit, I dunno too artsy, not quite there, I must spread my wild oats kind of thing, plus I think he is straight and its using Orli to be more… I dunno… alternative. You get me?” Wow the bitch made sense. “Yeah” “So I guess I don’t like him much he will hurt Orli, but then he will die…There is one thing you have to learn about me Hugo, Is that I’m very loyal to my mates, and if you ever hurt him, I will hang your balls on barbed wire. Capeesh?” I just nodded dumbly; if she didn’t drape her self over Orli I could like her… Actually… “Hey, is all this why you drape your self over him?” “Ha ha, umm, honestly? Partly cause it bugs you and Viggo, and partly cause I can. Now move you old codger. I have places to go and people to see!” She saunters off with an I’m about to get laid kind of air… Slut…But I have to admit she is growing on me, I turn round and head through the open door into the house. Orlando’s place Looks like a recently made over bachelor pad i.e. the place smells better, the washings been done but its still a pigs sty. I head towards the kitchen where I can here singing… “The killer’s angel eyes An Armageddon sky Tell it like it is It’s like the old man says We’re dead in the water now Dead in the water” Hmmmm he can sing, well you learn something new every day! I clear my throat loudly so he knows I’m here. I wish I had a camera; he immediately shut up and spun round; I swear he went beetroot. “Umm… I was just cooking, do you like Glamorgan Sausages?” I didn’t have a clue what they were but agreed anyway. After that conversation was easy we sat and discussed the scene even went through it a couple of time I stuffed up a few times but it was worth it, to see Orli pay me so much attention. The way he looks up to you is, is incredible! The sincere, desperate want of knowledge shines thorough in all its eagerness. He hangs on to your every word, questioning, not like interviewers, who want scandal or don’t really care. But questions I’ve never been asked before. It was then, that I realised I was head over heals in love with a sweet charming English boy, half my age. The thought that ran though my head “I am so screwed” When we finished we had dinner and I smiled politely and ate it all. Glamorgan Sausages turned out to be some weird vegetables-cheese hybrid that should have never come in to existence and even then only by default. Yet Orli seemed perfectly content and brought out the wine. After the first bottle we were chatting like old school friends; by the fourth we were giggling like schoolgirls and when we started on the 8th we were talking like them too, recounting tales of dates and sex gone wrong. This is where I could get black mail on Viggo. “So I asked what kind of kisser is Viggo I’ve always been intrigued?” “Viggo is a ferret fish” He stated like it would explain every thing. “A Ferret fish?” “Yeah, a Ferret fish.” “Care to explain?” He laughed like I’d asked the dumbest question in the world. “A ferret fish is some one who nibbles you then licks your face and around you lips. Can be very, very icky. But if done well, is bloody amazing.” He leant forward and I could smell the alcohol his breath “Between you and me it took Vig a little bit of practise to get it right!” Then his head slumped forward and he looked like he was about to pass out. “Bloody light weight” I said “want me to tuck you into bed?” “Feck off, tosser” and he waved him hand to dismiss me and knocked a glass of wine over in the process. “SHIT!” I yelled as it went everywhere, Orli on the other hand was oblivious. Then I realised I really did have to tuck him in to bed. I pulled him out of his chair and practically carried him to bedroom, then I sat him down and removed him shoes, socks, jeans and shirt (which I might add was a ghastly yellow) and left hi in just his boxers. I took my time; not knowing if this was the closest thing I would ever get to seeing Orli naked. When I finally got him lying down on his stomach I noticed his scar. Involuntarily my hand lifted and traced it. “Don’t” He mumbled sleepily “It tickles.” “How?” I asked “Tell you when I’m sober…You know what Hugo, thank you, you helped me allot and I’m very, very grateful cause you are mebestfriendandiloveyouman and I love Vig and I love Dom and I love lij and I love Billy and I love jess and I love Ian and I love…” ok know if I wasn’t sure he was plastered I am now. I tucked him in as he gave me a long list of whom he loved. I then found a glass in the kitchen and raided the cupboards for some paracetamol and left them by his bed with a note. Thanks for dinner, now go have a cheese toasty and a cup of tea and the world will make a lot more sense. Hugo Ps. I promise not to tell Viggo about the Ferret fish. I walked out of Orli’s house with the biggest smile I’ve had in along time. Chapter 6 – The S*** Hits the fan Life is good and life is fine cause I’ve met a man and no one like you! I feel fantastic; great nights sleep, fantastic breakfast, beautiful day, I look good, and I have a scene with Orlando today. Nothing could spoil my mood not even one annoying (but highly attractive and amusing Scot). “Hey Hugo! I hear Orli went all lightweight on you?” I smiled quite wickedly. “Yes he did… and I had my evil way with him” I smirked, you should have seen the look on Bills face he stopped dead in his tracks and gaped for a bit while I walked on, when he recovered his senses he ran up to me. “You didn’t did you? You lying FUCK!” he didn’t seem to bothered though as he was laughing his head off. “Anyway be glad you didn’t, I heard that Viggo is after you blood.” Now that surprised me “WHY?” “Err I dunno, maybe cause you got his boyfriend drunk then left some note by the bed side table, with very incrementing evidence in Viggo’s behalf, so I heard, but he wont tell anyone what you wrote, tell me Hugo what did u write?” “Oh that” my panic lessened “Orli just mentioned something about how Viggo kissed no biggy, just found it amusing.” “Really now? that is interesting, care to elaborate?” “Not really I enjoy my testicles and I think you do too.” “True, true… and speaking of testicles want to drop them round mine later? Cause I have a little plan and something in store for you…” Ahh my day just keeps getting better and better “I would love to I’ll be at yours after filming.” “Perfect” with that the bastard buggerd off. Now I have learnt some very intriguing information. Viggo is after my blood, eh? Where does that leave Orlando? I think I shall go seek him out and ask why, I mean, Me and Viggo were doing very well talking about plays and art he is a very bright man and very attractive…NO, don’t go down that road don’t ever go down that road… Any way I’m walking, minding my own business when I run into Frodo and Jess. “Hey Elrond! Come here!” Why not, they might have seen Orlando. “You my darling” started the brit “Are in sooooo much shite” “The shit has indeed hit the fan” “At 200miles per hour” “You are the deadest dude on the set man, and that includes the Nazgul” “If I were you love, I would run. Viggo is on the war path.” “What the fuck do I do?” I ask “Sweet fanny Adams love, he will get you in the end!” “Fuck” “I think we will pass man, me and Jess are gonna go find good seats to watch this should be good free viewing!” “For starters you bloody yank its ‘Jess and I’ learn some English for Christ’s sake!” I yelled not really wanting to snap at the lad but my wonderful day is being spoilt. “Any way good luck mate you will sure as hell need it. Ta ta for now!” “Yes darling” Elijah’s English accent is actually quite good. “Toodlepip!” I could hear them bantering as they walked off yelling insults and fighting over who spoke proper English Jess claimed she won seeing as she is actually English…she has a point. But WTF do I do now? I was having the most fantastic day…shit I hate confrontations; I’m going to find Orlando and sort some things out. Seems to be everywhere I go I get looks of pity. I mean what the fuck did I do! All I did was have dinner, Orlando got drunk so I put him to bed with a note explaining. Unless…. Viggo knows my plan? But why would he? Billy would say anything and Jess doesn’t like Viggo and has no reason too? So that can’t be it? Hmmmm guess ill just have to ask. Well here it is, Orlando and Viggo’s trailer. Here goes nothing. Knock knock “Hugo? Hey ya what are you doing here Viggo is coming back in a minute!” “Which is why we need to talk” “Yes we do! But not now!” “Yes now” I walked in and sat down on one of the couches and Orlando giving in, passed me a can of diet-coke. I wonder what people would think if they were to walk in. Too people dressed as elves drinking coke and wearing fucking jewellery. God I hate that butterfly clip. Any way back on task. “Why is Viggo after me?” “He was the one who found me in the morning I was still sleeping, he found your note” Look at the shy smile he is too cute “ and thought you deliberately tried to get me drunk to take advantage…” “WHAT I WOULD NEVER TO THAT!” plot scheme and back stab yes but take advantage that’s just low. “I KNOW! But Hugo you know Viggo. When he has got something in his head…” “He has it in his head, I know, I know… I just thought me and Viggo were getting on, why would he think I would do something like that.” “I know Hugo I know I mean you’re not even gay!” No actually I’m bi, shit this situation could not get any worse. So I buried my head in my hands in a vain attempt to sort things through and Orli sidled up to me and put his arm round me. Realising what Orli said earlier was true and that Viggo would be back at any given moment; walking in on this little scenario would not be good so naturally wanting to save my own arse. I tried to disentangle my self from the young English lad. I succeeded and was about to start on my way out when I ….um…well…I might have tripped over my robes falling over and dragging a certain some one down with me. So here I am, in one big mess on the floor, me on my back with Orlando lying on top of me. A bit of a compromising situation for any one, not that I’m complaining that I had his smooth, subtle…young…lithe…(excuse me) body atop of mine it just at that precise moment some one decided to walk through the door and not some one I really wanted too. Viggo. “Hi Vig I actually wanted to talk to you if you don’t mind?” shit, shit, shit, shit, shit I am in so much trouble. Orlando jumped off of me in an oh-so ‘I am not at all guilty’ kind of way. As I pulled my self to my feet the rambling started. “What the fuck do you think you doing?” “I appeared to have fallen over…” “NO, You appear to be trying albeit BADLY, to seduce MY boyfriend.” “NO!” well kinda, maybe, just a little? “Vig, leave him alone, he wasn’t trying to seduce me we were going over lines?” we were? News to me! “Look Vig, I know Hugo isn’t even gay! Okay I’m girly looking, but I have a cock and to straight men that’s a major deterrent! I thought you two were friends?” If I slip out now do you think I could get away with it I might just edge towards the door? “Yes I did think you were my friend and Billy’s come to that!” Oh no don’t bring Bill’s in to this please! “What does he think of this? Going round houses, drinking and mysterious fucking notes!” “Leave Billy out of this OK? This is between you and me, and over nothing it seems!” “What has Billy Got to do with this?” “Orlando, you have to be blind NOT to see that there shagging each others brains out, they are all over each other!” “Is this true, Hugo?” Fuck what now, why is Viggo being such a prat? “Umm yeah it is.” “Why didn’t you say anything?” Right quick thinking is in order. “We didn’t want our ‘relationship’, if you can call it that, to get in the way of the film.” “No but your happy to try and RUIN mine and Orlando’s!” I really didn’t see it coming, but the truth of the matter is I left the trailer within the next minute holding my bleeding nose while Orlando and Viggo shouted it out. That it I’m going to sort this out in the bathroom then I’m goin over to Billy’s to get laid. God that man can punch now I know how the stunties feel! Tbc…