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Right, Azzy, I composed this long, long ode to your 2nd english fic yesterday while I was reading offline.
It has a nice plot and pace. But as you say, it does vary in the narration style somewhere in the middle though it did not seem harring at all to me. It was a mix of innocence, love and purity, something we rarely get to see in fanfiction here. I liked it for several obvious reasons. That it wasn't as bad as it could have been given you were new to writing in the language.
whoever Milly was, I am glad that she made you complete it! I am yet to seek my password...