Helm's Deep
Haldir gazed out over the darkened plain. The steady thump of many footfalls in unison had long preceded the image of the black mass, speckled with flickering light, that now swelled up into the neck of the valley. The sight was undoubtedly disconcerting to many of the men who formed the castle's defense-perhaps it was even so to some of the elves-but to Haldir it was yet one more face of evil. He had faced much worse, and that, recently. Here was an enemy he could fight. He had not been able to fight his previous tormentor. He had been completely at his mercy, but there had been no mercy. There had been only agony and terrible, consuming fear. There would be no mercy now on either side, as Aragorn was reminding them as he paced the length of the deeping wall, giving last minute instruction. No mercy. Haldir was glad to hear him say it, for in truth, Haldir did not flatter himself that he could feel any mercy towards evil. He would never try to pretend that evil was good. He knew what wickedness was: he had experienced it first-hand, and from a much more formidable enemy than that which he now faced.
Beside him, Ardamil was a bulwark of stoicism-steady and dependable. Now, as the enemy approached and a dull rain began to fall, Ardamil spoke quietly. "Do you suppose there is any possibility of victory against such an army?"
"Yes," Haldir answered simply, then sensing that this response was unlikely to satisfy Ardamil, he added, "Although we may die in the securing of that victory."
Ardamil was silent for a moment, then he asked, "Do you not wish for Legolas to fight beside us, Nikerym?"
"What I wish and what I know is best are two different things," Haldir replied.
Ardamil pursued no further. He knew what Haldir was suffering, no matter how well hidden. He understood the sense of loss his captain was feeling; and although Legolas was only one small part of the picture, he was a crucial part. It was Haldir's own abiding sense of shame that prevented him from returning to Legolas in the manner of bygone days. It was that same sense of shame that had put Haldir at a greater distance from even his own warriors. Ardamil had concluded that it was unlikely Haldir would ever fully overcome what he had been through; and, being Haldir, it was also unlikely that he would ever permit anyone to help him beyond a certain degree. In some strange sad way, it seemed to Ardamil that the strands of time and fate had no other possibility but to intersect at this point, where darkness threatened to cover the land, and evil raised its mighty hand against the meager forces arrayed against it. After all, his captain was living proof of a goodness so pure that evil was attracted to it, insistent upon crushing and destroying it. Evil spared no one.
The moving mass of blackness came to a halt perhaps a hundred yards away from the deeping wall. Individual creatures could be made out now, bound in armor, their weapons as brutal in appearance as in utility. There was a long few seconds of eerie quiet, then a cry went up, wordless and terrible. Immediately, the ground vibrated with the pounding of pikes and spears, a steady grinding rhythm, meant to strike fear into the hearts of the besieged.
Haldir continued to look out, his expression one of appraisal without fear. But he was not wholly without feeling. What he was harboring deep inside was not fear, but a sense that all had come to this intended moment. He felt not dread but readiness. This was the consummation, in preparation for which he had suffered torture and deprivation, for which he had, against his will, been reduced to nothing more than an implement and stripped of everything he had ever had dear. He was ready to fight this fight. He was ready to give whatever was required of him. It was the mark of a soldier, and that was what he was.
The troops of Theoden, lining the parapets of the keep, raised their weapons and took aim. The air vibrated with tension and terror as the enemy worked itself into a frenzy. Then, suddenly, a dead calm fell. An arrow had been loosed accidentally. One of the Isengarders dropped to the ground, dead. A single voice cried out in rage, followed by another, and then another, until, like a wave, the voices crescendoed into a cacophony of hatred and fury. One voice commanded the others, and the front line of the mass surged forward. The battle was on.
Aragorn's voice rose above the din. "Tangado a chadad!"
Haldir drew an arrow and prepared to fire, picking out his target. His exterior was placid, which bolstered the spirits of his warriors. To look upon him was to see confidence incarnate. It was a tremendous thing, for if any elf had reason to be afraid of the onslaught, it was Haldir. But again, if any elf had reason to fight to the death, it was Haldir.
"Hado i philinn!!" Aragorn shouted, and a hail of arrows flew from the deeping wall and the keep.
Haldir let his arrow fly but did not follow its progress before nocking another. Within a matter of seconds, his quiver was empty, and he was reaching into the re-arm barrel. Out of the corner of his eye, he had seen a number of the elven warriors fall, but he had not been able to tell if any of them had been from his patrol. The sea of bodies below surged forward like breakers against the foot of the deeping wall. Then, from the frothing bedlam below, there arose long narrow shapes, swinging like upsided pendulums.
"Pendraith!" Aragorn shouted, "Swords!! Swords!"
Haldir did not draw his sword right away, but continued sending arrows out to take down the orcs that were riding the ladders towards the top of the deeping wall. When the first ladders landed, he traded his bow for his sword. The swell of orcs was so great that he found himself toppling two to three enemies with each slice. Every parry turned into a counterthrust until the walkway beneath his feet was slick with blood and growing deep in bodies.
At his back was Mythis, whose task it was to guard his captain against any attack from behind, and whose hands were quite full. The red cloak and lack of head gear marked Haldir as an elf of importance and drew the attackers down upon him like a pack of wild dogs. Mythis, skilled sword master though he was, was finding it increasingly difficult to fend off the attackers. Further down the wall, he caught sight of Enthamis, still firing arrows into the mass below. "Enthamis!" he called out. "I need your help!"
Enthamis abandoned his position on the wall and joined Mythis.
Over his shoulder, Haldir shouted, "Where is Ardamil?!"
"He has moved down the wall towards the keep," Mythis replied.
"Do not lose sight of him!" Haldir ordered.
"We will do our best, Nikerym." Again, it was Mythis who spoke.
Close to the middle of the deeping wall, Ardamil had Orophin on one side and Ascalonn on the other. They were in the midst of a knot of Rivendell elves and the ranger, Aragorn. Somewhere not too distant, Ardamil heard Gimli's deep, rolling voice. "Legolas! Two already!!"
At the sound of Legolas's voice, boasting almost gleefully and certainly without worry, that he had already felled seventeen of the enemy, Ardamil strained to see through the swarm of bodies, and his eyes caught sight of a flash of blondish hair, whipping wildly with the movements of its owner. A moment later, he heard Legolas's voice again.
"Nineteen!"
"He is actually counting!" Orophin exclaimed, as he knocked one of the enemy off the wall.
"Of course, he is," Ardamil replied. "He is Legolas!"
If this were the worst Saruman could throw at them, then it seemed to Legolas that evil was highly overestimated. Yes, there were thousands upon thousands of the enemy, yet they came on like creatures without reason, watching their companions get cut down one after the other, and then walking directly into the same manner of death.
Legolas felt like little more than a killing machine, and a part of him revolted at the thought that he had been reduced to such a state; yet it was a necessary reduction. There was no other choice but to fight. As the battle continued, time ceased to have any meaning in this world of darkness and death. He had long since run out of arrows, the rearm barrels were empty, and he was now plucking arrows indiscriminately out of the bodies of the fallen - both friend and enemy.
He had kept track of Haldir's location from the moment the battle had started, and he was doing everything in his power to move in the guardian's direction. It seemed to him that his former captain was drawing closer; and when Orophin, Ardamil and Ascalonn suddenly appeared directly in front of Legolas, the Prince of Mirkwood felt his hopes rise.
"I told you we would fight side-by-side," Ardamil said, ducking an uppercut while delivering a deadly sword thrust to the groin.
"You did, indeed!" Legolas replied. "But you have left our captain behind!"
It was Orophin who replied. "Not for long! The tide of battle swells this direction!"
Legolas looked past Orophin's shoulder. He could see Haldir as a swirl of red and gold, moving with power and grace like a dancer. Every now and then, he caught a glimpse of his face and the combination of complacency and controlled anger displayed thereon; and he was amazed that he had never seen such an expression on Haldir's face before. It filled him with a sense of sadness on the one hand, for it made him realize just how much pain Haldir must have endured; but on the other hand, it stirred up the fire within his soul. If, despite memories of deepest pain, Haldir could comport himself with such dignity on the battlefield, then Legolas would live up to his example.
So intent had Legolas been on Haldir's situation that he did not, at first, realize that someone was calling to him-screaming, in all actuality.
"Togohon dad, Legolas!!"
It was Aragorn. Legolas looked for the ranger, found him and saw where he was looking. Following his gaze, he saw an orc carrying a sparkling torch, heading for the culvert in the deeping wall.
"Togohon dad, Legolas! Dago hon!" Aragorn screamed urgently.
Legolas took aim and let fly, piercing the joint between shoulder and neck. Still, the orc did not go down.
"Dago hon!"
Legolas felt terror burst fully open within him as he nocked another arrow. He fired again, striking again. The orc stumbled the last few yards into the culvert.
Then the fires of Melkor shattered the night into a million pieces.
Lothlorien
"Come, Legolas! I thought you would be able to keep up with me by now!" Haldir's voice was filled with mirth.
Behind him, Legolas was pounding along, following the path Haldir was blazing through the woods. "I thought this was supposed to be fun. Ardamil told me it would be fun," he said.
"I am having a wonderful time," Haldir replied.
"Of course, you are. You are trying to run me into the ground! But you will not tire me out! I will outlast you!" Legolas insisted.
"Running? We have not run a single step," Haldir grinned back over his shoulder. "And need I remind you that you were the one who kept begging me to take you hiking?"
"No, you need not remind me," Legolas replied. "But I only thought that this would be a more . . . leisurely journey."
"It will be," Haldir replied. "Once we reach the foot of the hills."
"You are the leader," Legolas conceded. "But tomorrow, we switch roles."
"You do not know the terrain, Legolas," Haldir protested. "If I let you lead, we will end up hopelessly lost."
"I did not think you ever got lost," Legolas replied.
"There is always a first time," Haldir said. "And it would be perfectly fitting for you to lead me completely astray."
Legolas laughed. "I will do what I can."
By the late afternoon, they had gone far beyond the borders of Lorien into the foothills of the highlands to the south. Haldir led them up a narrow pass, across shallow, pebbly brooks and through whispering sun-drenched woods. When evening fell, they took to the trees and slung hammocks for the night. The following morning, they started before sunrise with a prayer, then Haldir allowed Legolas to lead, but under his direction. The day was scorching, and by noon, they were both feeling the heat.
"Can we not take a stop in the shade?" Legolas asked.
"There is an old quarry lake a little further up. We can stop there for a swim," Haldir replied.
Legolas nodded. "Very well, only I hope it is not too far."
"Five more minutes."
It was not quite five minutes when they came to a small, still, green-watered lake surrounded mostly by high steep walls of gray slate but with a modest sloping approachway on one side. On either side of the approach, the ground was a few feet higher, covered with a carpet of mossy grass. It was here that Haldir threw off his pack, then walked to the edge of the water, shedding garments as he went. He had dressed in sturdy hiking garb, in browns and greens and blacks, which now lay in a multi-colored trail between his pack and the water.
He stood completely naked at the water's edge, like a statue of the finest white marble, hands loose at his sides, relaxed muscles drawing exquisite lines of definition on his skin. Behind him and still on the grass, Legolas was removing his own clothing and admiring the bodily perfection visible before him. No matter how many times he saw it, and he had seen Haldir naked many times now, he still appreciated the beauty of his captain's body. Haldir did not put himself on display. In fact, he guarded his body from most eyes, the exception being the members of his patrol, where a different sense of modesty prevailed, the sort of modesty between brothers.
After surveying the water for several seconds, Haldir dove in. The water was pleasantly cool and soothing after the morning's journey. He came to the surface and turned to see Legolas coming to the water's edge. He had to admit to the sense of satisfaction he felt upon seeing Legolas's form, strong and full of vigor, standing there on the rim, hands on hips, feet planted in a broad stance. This was not the same wiry youth who had come to Lorien sixteen months ago. While Legolas was unchanged in essence-he was still impetuous and prone to taking risks-he now struck Haldir as a much grown elf. And although Haldir tried not to feel a certain degree of pride at the transformation, he found himself falling victim to that very greatest of vanities from time to time.
"Are you going to come in or just stand there the whole day for my admiration?" Haldir asked.
Legolas grinned. His eyes scanned up to a high ledge on the far side of the lake. He trotted along the shore and climbed up the rocks to the ledge, fully aware of Haldir's eyes on him.
"Legolas, what are you doing?" Haldir asked.
"I am going to dive in," Legolas replied.
Haldir gave a doubtful smile. "It is very high. You had better be careful."
Legolas struck a pose on the precipice. "Do you dare me?"
Haldir laughed. "I know better than that! There is nothing you would not dare."
"Then watch closely!" He swept out his arms and leapt from the cliff, arching his back into a stunning swan dive. He disappeared against the sun, and then emerged like an arc across the azure sky. A moment later he broke the water's surface with scarcely a ripple. When he came back up, it was with an eruption of laughter. "That was fantastic!!" He shook the water out of his eyes. "It is your turn now."
"I think not," Haldir replied, backpaddling. "I am not crazy."
"Crazy?! You let me do it!" Legolas exclaimed.
"Did you want me to stop you?"
"That would have been a challenge," Legolas replied, his manner incredibly cocky.
"A challenge for you," Haldir countered in kind. He disappeared beneath the surface and swam back to the approachway. "I have another challenge for you," he said as he walked out of the water.
Legolas regarded him through narrowed eyes. The water streamed in rivulets down Haldir's body, leaving glimmering droplets on the alabaster skin. It was a pleasant sight, one that Legolas was thoroughly enjoying. "I am listening."
"Come here to the shore."
Legolas did so, coming to stand beside Haldir. "I am here. What is your challenge?"
"I will race you," Haldir proposed.
"Race me? To where?"
"See there under that ledge . . . " Haldir nodded towards the enclosed end of the lake. "That small cave, it disappears into the water. On the other side it comes up again into a cavern. The cavern goes clear through the hillside, two or three hundred yards, and comes out in another old quarry, also filled with water. Whoever makes it into the water first, wins."
"You have an advantage," Legolas replied. "You are familiar with the way."
"I will give you a head start," Haldir offered.
"That won't be necessary!" Legolas declined, and in the next instant, he sprang forward, threw Haldir to the ground, then dove into the water.
Haldir got up, a cunning smile crossing his face. "Very well, then!" He leapt into the water behind Legolas, who was already halfway across the lake.
Legolas disappeared into the cave, and where the roof came down to meet the water, he went under, feeling along the smoothworn surface until he passed under the wall and came up in another cavern. Here, there was a wide, high tunnel roughly sixty or so yards long, and beyond its opening, Legolas could glimpse the billowing heads of thunder breakers. He swam several yards, then the water grew shallow, and he climbed out onto the cave floor, damp and covered with a fine silt.
He had not gone but a few steps when he heard Haldir come up in the pool of water behind him. A glance over his shoulder showed his captain already climbing out of the water. Legolas ran faster, but it was no use. Just short of the mouth of the cave, Haldir pulled alongside him and was about to overtake him. But then Haldir did something unexpected, throwing his weight into Legolas, knocking him off balance and tumbling him to the ground.
"That is for tricking me!" Haldir grinned wickedly.
"You are just jealous, because I was going to win!" Legolas replied, pulling up to his knees. "I am going to win!" He got to his feet and lunged forward as Haldir turned to resume the race. He caught him around the waist, and they both went down, Haldir landing on his front and Legolas on top of him. Pressed down beneath Legolas's body, Haldir was nearly hysterical with mirth.
"You had best get off of me before you regret it!" he gasped between bursts of laughter.
"You are a cheater!" Legolas accused playfully, grappling for Haldir's wrists.
"Oh! This from the Prince of all Cheaters!" Haldir replied, rolling onto his side as he tried to dislodge Legolas.
But Legolas had learned well from his captain and maintained his dominant position. They wrestled for a while in some degree of equality, but never with Haldir getting the upper hand. Legolas relished the feel of Haldir in his grasp, the warmth of his body, the tautness of his muscles, the way it felt to have Haldir struggling against him. For a moment, as he pinned Haldir beneath him, a wrist encircled in each hand and pressed to the ground on either side of his captain's head, he experienced a fleeting sense of awkwardness. It lasted only a few seconds, but then as he gazed down at Haldir, their flushed, grinning faces so close that Legolas could feel Haldir's breath on his skin, the feeling fled and Legolas spoke in a trembling voice, "I think I have finally won."
"You think so?" Haldir asked, and before Legolas knew what had happened, he was on his back beneath Haldir's weight. "You may have improved, but you could not beat me if you tried."
Legolas beamed up at him. "I am not sure I want to beat you," he said. "Losing to you has its benefits."
"Has it?"
"It has," Legolas reasserted, then after brief pause, he said quietly, "It helps me understand why they love you so much."
"They?"
"The patrol," Legolas replied. "You have some kind of . . . incredible hold over them. I have never seen anything like it, but now I am beginning to understand it. Their loyalty to you is astounding, and I am not hardpressed to wonder why."
Haldir's smile grew more brilliant. "They are dedicated to the protection of Lorien," he said. "I am only their captain."
"You know that is not true, Haldir. You are so much more to them," Legolas protested.
"What more could I be?" Haldir asked, and suddenly to Legolas, he seemed to come even closer.
"You-you are like the firstborn among brothers," he replied, his voice quaking. "They all look up to you . . . to teach them and protect them. I am no different from the rest of them."
Haldir gazed down at this handsome young prince who so clearly idolized him, and he was not sure what to make of it. "I am afraid we are becoming entirely too friendly," he said, but he was not sure that he meant it. "I am supposed to be your captain. How am I to command you when you are all flattery, and I am so willingly susceptible to it?"
"You can command me the same way you command the others," Legolas replied. "You are 'entirely too friendly' with them, as well. But they treat you with every respect, as will I."
"I am not too friendly with them," Haldir protested. "It is as you said, they are brothers to me. I treat them like brothers."
"And can you not treat me like a brother?"
"I do treat you like a brother-a brother who is also a prince and the son of a very powerful Elf lord and an honored guest for whom I have been made responsible," Haldir replied.
'But still a brother," Legolas persisted.
"Do I not already treat you like the others? Like a brother?"
"In some ways."
Haldir looked skeptical. "Then perhaps you will be so good as to tell me where I am deficient in my treatment of you."
Legolas did not hesitate. "This, for starters."
"This? What are you talking about?"
"Wrestling. You let the others win from time to time. You have never let me win."
"Let them win?" Haldir asked with an amused grin.
"That is how you let them know that you are now theirs, just as they are yours. It is the point at which you tell them that you are ready to give yourself to them," Legolas explained.
Haldir eyed him with mild astonishment. "And you picked all this up over the course of the past year and a half?"
"I had some help," Legolas admitted. "You are puzzling, but I was warned of that very early on. I have watched you and your interaction with the members of the patrol. You have a very particular leadership style."
Haldir regarded Legolas indulgently. "This is all very interesting," he said, "But I must own that I put no such degree of thought or planning into how I manage the patrol. Things simply happen the way they happen."
"You might believe that, but I do not," Legolas replied. "You make things happen, even if you do not realize it." He took a trembling breath. "There is no one like you, Haldir."
His words went straight to Haldir's heart. Haldir did not speak right away as he struggled for something to say. "Legolas," he began at last, "I will let you beat me one day . . . when I think the time is right." He straightened up and got to his feet, holding out a hand and drawing Legolas up as well.
"You think I am impatient," Legolas said.
"No," Haldir replied with a chuckle. "I think you are full of surprises." He took a step back and regarded Legolas's dirt-smeared body. "And you are filthy and hot and covered in perspiration. It is time for us to head back to the quarry. We can take a quick dip and then carry on up into the highlands. You see those storm clouds coming. We want to reach the caves before the rain comes."
"What about our race?"
"We can call it a tie," Haldir replied. "Come now, there is no time to lose. The caves are at least an hour away-we can race against the rain."
Haldir had one eye on the clouds as he pulled his clothes on. "It is going to be a powerful storm," he said. "You can hear the thunder already."
Legolas was also dressing hurriedly. "The wind is picking up."
Haldir hoisted his light pack and slipped his arms through the straps. "Quickly!"
They started at a fast trot up the mountain path, leaving the gradual slopes of the low hills for the narrow trails of the highlands. The black clouds chased them relentlessly as they crossed mile after mile. At length, crossing the treeline, they came to a large, open heather.
"Those cliffs are Manimott Shales," Haldir announced, nodding to a stretch of sheer rock faces half a mile distant. "They offer a spectacular view of the valley." He paused, then turned to face Legolas with a buoyant expression. "This can be our tiebreaker."
"A race?" Legolas asked.
"To the cliffs. No headstart this time."
Legolas did not speak again before springing into a run. Once again, the contest turned into a knock-down, drag-out competition of wills and wiles, cut-throat tactics and blatant trickery. Overhead, the storm rumbled and flashes of light lit up the clouds.
"We are going to get caught in the rain!" Haldir cried as he grappled with Legolas.
"You will not melt!" Legolas shot back, and with a mighty effort, he threw Haldir into a squat gorse bush. Even as he spoke, the sky opened and the rain came down in torrents.
Legolas was off again, crossing the last stretch of heather. He ran up to the ledge of the cliff, stopped with his toes just over the edge, spread his arms and raised his face to the sky.
"Victory!! Such a feeling!" he cried out joyfully. "At last, my senses are alive!" He glanced back over his shoulder. "Come, join me, Haldir!"
Haldir came up behind Legolas, halting several paces behind him. "Step away from the edge, Legolas," he said quietly.
Legolas threw his head back, opened his mouth and tasted the rain. "Don't be so dull, Haldir! Come! This is freedom!"
Haldir repeated his earlier entreaty. "Come away from there, Legolas."
Legolas turned a gleaming eye to regard Haldir with amusement. "Surely the gallant Captain of the Wide Patrol is not to be outdone by a mere Prince of Mirkwood."
"In foolhardiness, certainly," Haldir replied.
"You are calling me a fool?" Laugher resounded in Legolas's voice.
"I know of no other word to describe an elf who stands on such a precipice, in the rain and wind, when a single strong gust could carry him over the side," Haldir replied.
"So eloquently spoken! Yet, I will dare you to come stand here!"
"And if I am swept over?" Haldir asked, taking a step closer.
"Then I shall go over after you!"
Haldir could not suppress a smile. "Then we should both be dashed to pieces."
"Say what you will, but I will not move until you have joined me."
Without another moment's hesitation, Haldir strode forward and stood next to Legolas. He leaned far out over the edge, turning his head to cast a challenge in his companion's direction. "Does this satisfy you?"
"It does, indeed!"
"Good." Haldir stepped back again. "Now, I have done as you asked, and you must honor your word and st-" His voice broke off in abrupt terror. The single strong gust of which he had spoken now swept up behind them, catching Legolas's elven cloak like a sail. Haldir grabbed his arm as he toppled over the edge. The momentum threw Haldir to the ground, but he held on. With his other hand, he reached down desperately, grabbing the neck of Legolas's jerkin. "Grab my arms!!" he cried out.
Legolas wrapped the fingers of one hand around Haldir's wrist. The other arm stretched up and gripped him above the elbow. With his feet, he tried to find a purchase in the face of the cliff.
"Stop!!" Haldir ordered. "Do not try to help! Just let me pull you up!"
Legolas stopped struggling. He looked up into Haldir's face, high color lighting the Lorien elf's cheeks, determination showing in his eyes. Then, with one mighty and fluid effort, he found himself drawn up over the edge to safety. He lay on his back for several seconds, trying to catch his breath. Besdie him, Haldir slid slowly to the ground and gave a great sigh of relief.
At length, Legolas spoke. "You may chastise me as much as you please."
"And how should a captain chastise a prince?" Haldir asked in such a way that Legolas knew no answer was to be given, and so he remained silent. Haldir rolled onto his stomach and peered over the edge of the cliff. "That I might have had to bear the ill news of disaster back to Caras Galadhon . .. " He paused, still staring down into the grayness below.
Legolas crawled up beside him, pressed himself flat onto the ground, and looked over the edge.
Haldir continued. "And all because I had not the presence of mind to force prudence upon you."
Legolas looked at Haldir, whose focus was even now down in the reaches far below them. "I think you know quite well how to chastise a prince." He saw Haldir smiled. But he saw something else, as well. There was warmth in the flushed cheek that rose above the smiling mouth. There was mirth and brilliance in that smile. There was incredible strength and control in the body that had pulled him to safety. But these things had always been there. Legolas had noticed them the first time he had set eyes on Haldir and every day that he had been in Haldir's presence. Indeed, their existence could not be overlooked. Yet, inexplicably, Legolas felt as if he were seeing Haldir for the first time. The perfections he had once envied now represented something else - a temptation beyond resistance.
After a short time, during which only the wind and the rain could be heard, Haldir said in a voice of concession, "It is breathtaking."
Legolas forced his attention back down into the valley. "Yes, it is."
Another strong gust of wind came; this time it rose up the face of the cliff, blasting the two elves face-long, whipping their hair into tangles of sodden gold. They both laughed at the sensation.
"You look absurd!!" Haldir exclaimed.
Legolas turned his head and was about to reply, but he could not. Haldir was looking at him, brightness in a world of cloud and rain. Radiance to dispel even the deepest gloom. The face of the sun.
What happened then was one of the most bizarre, wonderful, repulsive and tender moments of Legolas's life. He did not know what was going on in Haldir's mind, nor was he sure whether or not he had imagined the slight movement Haldir made towards him. But it hardly mattered, for the moment Legolas perceived what he thought was a tentative advance, he reacted with the full intensity of his youthful body and met Haldir more than halfway, pressing towards him until his mouth met Haldir's in what was Legolas's first and would always be remembered as the most incredible kiss of his life.
For many years afterwards, Legolas would try to force himself to recall the kiss as being brief and without any sensuality. But the truth was that it had been deeply involved and passion-filled, as any first kiss should be. It was not short and it was not sterile. It was not the kiss of the seal, but something altogether different. Legolas did not back down, and neither did Haldir. It seemed to last forever, which was not long enough while it was taking place and was too long once it was over.
Legolas, becoming abruptly aware of what was happening, was the one to draw away; and when he did, he saw Haldir looking at him, a strange mixture of curiosity and compassion on his face. The guardian was not disgusted or angry. He appeared to be mildly stunned, but nothing more. He was Haldir as he had always been.
Legolas, on the other hand, was in utter chaos, unable to find his voice.
"That was unexpected," Haldir said with a gentle smile.
This statement, spoken without judgment, was meant to ease the obvious shock displayed on Legolas's face. But it was too late.
Legolas got to his feet and stumbled backwards, away from the edge of the cliff, his mind reeling with confusion. What had he just done? He knew the answer to that. He had kissed his captain and his friend - not the kiss of brotherhood, but a kiss of passion, a kiss of desire. A kiss that never should have taken place. How could it have happened? How could Haldir have lured him into such an action? How could he have allowed himself to be so lured? He felt as if he had completely lost control of his senses, given them up to an elf was beautiful and clever and sensual, who was demanding, seductive, and brilliant. He had lost himself. He had lost his dignity, his pride, but even more threatening . . . he had lost every idea of himself that he had ever had.
"Legolas . . . " Haldir stood up.
Legolas turned his back. He could not bear to look at him. He began picking his way back up to the trail.
"Legolas, wait!"
Legolas stopped. He waited. As horrified as he was over what had happened, even greater was his need for an explanation, some reason for his actions. "I don't feel that way about you!" he blurted out suddenly.
"I know that," Haldir replied evenly, the kindness still in his voice. "I do not think either of us feels that way about the other."
"Then why did it happen?!" Legolas demanded, whirling around to pin Haldir with a strangely pained glare.
Haldir stared back at him with impeccable calm. "It was the work of the moment."
"Oh, that is not true, and you know it!" Legolas cried.
"It happened because you love me," Haldir went on. "And you do not need to feel horrified at that truth."
Legolas's mind was in an uproar. "Yes, I love you-of course, I do! How could I not?! They all love you! It is expected, is it not?" He spoke rapidly as if he had much to get out of him. "It is one of the things you demand, and-and I gladly gave it! But I never-I never wanted this!"
"Legolas, it was only a kiss," Haldir replied. "You have seen me kiss Ardamil, Lostilsil, my brothers, every member of the patrol many times-"
"This is different, Haldir!" Legolas persisted. "When you kiss them, it is-is it not a thing of passion!"
"There is no need to be so upset," Haldir said, trying to soothe Legolas's outrage. "It was a strange thing to happen, an oddity. It wasn't anything either of us had planned. And it is over."
"Is that all you have to say?" Legolas ground out.
Haldir hesitated. "I am not sure what else is appropriate."
Legolas groaned and headed for the trail again. He hardly understood his feelings, which were so tumultuous and contradictory that he could not sift one from the other. He was disgusted at what he had done, for he had honestly believed that his admiration for Haldir had been without any motive that would propel him to commit such an act. But he was also incensed by Haldir's calm dismissal of what had happened. It was as if Haldir did were completely disinterested in the entire thing.
"Legolas," Haldir started after him.
"They warned me about you," Legolas said, as he continued to walk. "They told me this would happen."
Haldir was perplexed, and a terrible fear began to swell inside him. Ardamil's warnings, which had seemed so long ago, now came back to him in force. "Who told you what? What did they say would happen?" he asked anxiously.
"I should have listened to them," Legolas went on. "I have been such a fool."
Haldir grabbed his arm and spun him around. "Who told you what?"
Legolas jerked away and turned a glare on him. "I let myself grow intrigued with you, thinking all along that it was all in innocence, but the truth is that you lure elves in. You make them feel as if they are a part of you, as if they alone have a special closeness to you!" came the heated charge. "You make them contemplate and do things they would not normally do! I would not normally have done . . . that!"
Haldir stared at him, dumbfounded. "What are you talking about? Legolas, we are friends. Where is all this coming from? Are you so disturbed by one kiss?"
"Yes!" Legolas burst out. "How can I not be disturbed by it?! It is impossible for me to love you in that way, and yet look at what has happened!"
"You are only confused, Legolas," Haldir replied. "It happens. You are not the first-"
"I know that, as well," Legolas cut him off, his voice caustic. "They told me you could be charming when it suited you, that you had your favorites, and that those favorites change. How well I see that now. I will not be the next Ardamil-"
Haldir's voice was tightly controlled. "Who told you these things? It was not any one of the patrol, I know that. And it certainly was not Ardamil."
"Does it matter? It is the truth."
"It is not the truth," Haldir protested warmly. "It has never been the truth-"
Legolas cut him off again. "Are you defending yourself now out of fear for your position? Now that your charge is angry? The honored guest? The Prince of Mirkwood, Thranduil's son. You need not fear. I have no intention of exposing my own weakness in order to expose your duplicity." He turned once again, but Haldir stopped him with a strong hand on his shoulder.
"Enough of this, Legolas," the guardian said gravely. "I have heard such charges before from a certain few elves. Tell me who said these things to you." Legolas tried to pull away, but Haldir had grown stern. "We are not elflings, and I will not play these games. Who told you these things?"
"Take your hand off of me," Legolas said with warning in his voice.
Haldir stared at him for several seconds. He could force the issue, but that would do no good. It was more likely that it would cause more damage, and that was unthinkable. Legolas meant too much to him to risk any further upset.
"You are too distressed to discuss this rationally." He let go of Legolas, turned, and without another word, began heading back along the path.
"You will not tell anyone about this?" Legolas called out, half statement, half question.
Haldir's reply was dull. "What would I tell them?"
Legolas's answer was meant to injure and it caught both of them by surprise. "You might share with them the secret of your success. Your wonderful style of leadership by seduction. And all along, I believed that the patrol was bound to you by-"
Before he could finish, Legolas found himself laid out flat. Haldir stood over him, eyes wide with anger. "Do not ever say anything like that again."
Legolas gingerly touched the back of his hand to his mouth. His hand came back with blood on it. "Another facet of your leadership?" he asked bitterly.
"And are these the manners that the Mirkwood princes are taught? Your conduct is disgraceful," Haldir spat. "Up until only a few minutes, you thought the world of me. Then you kissed me-you kissed me!-and now you are raving like a spoiled child. If you are feeling guilty over what you did, then be sorry for it and done with it. Do not blame me for decisions that you make on your own."
Legolas leapt to his feet and lunged at him. They fell to the ground together, and a scuffle ensued. Legolas found himself once again humbled by Haldir's superior strength, but then, suddenly, Legolas was on top and Haldir had stopped fighting.
Haldir looked up at the outraged elf atop him. "You wanted me to let you win," he said with no hint of emotion.
Legolas made a sound like a cry of pain. He got to his feet and raised his face to the rain to cool his burning cheeks and disguise the tears that were forming in his eyes.
"I was warned, too, Legolas," Haldir said, standing up. "I was warned about you, but I disregarded those warnings. I believed in my own hopes. I still do. This was a mistake, Legolas-nothing more."
"You do not even care, do you?" Legolas said. He did not wait for an answer but started heading back up to the trail. He could not stop shaking. He could not overcome the terrible feeling that everything had been ruined, that he had been made a fool of by the one elf whom he had counted as the most amazing friend he had ever had. The greatest brightness in his life risked becoming abhorrent to him. Haldir's complacency over the kiss had appalled him, but the thought that Haldir had been working on him as if he had been no more than the latest conquest was even more despicable. It was unforgivable.
They had been walking for nearly an hour when Haldir sidled up next to Legolas. "When we get back to Caras Galadon, if you decide to stay in Lorien, I will arrange for you to go to another patrol, if that is your wish."
"I do not want to think about it right now," Legolas replied.
"I thought you might rather not see me anymore," Haldir said.
"I do not want to talk to you right now!" Legolas exploded, breaking into a run for twenty or thirty yards, anything to put some distance between him and Haldir. He was breathing hard, and not from the exertion. There was some other emotion, something between fear and hatred that made his entire body shake.
It might have been because of that shaking that Legolas did not recognize the rumbling sound and feeling of vibration as anything unusual at first. But then suddenly, he realized the trembling was coming from outside him, and Haldir's cry of warning confirmed it.
Legolas whirled around to see Haldir looking at a point above them. Legolas looked straight up to see the mountainside crashing down towards him. Before he could even think of moving, he caught a flash of movement in the corner of his eye and felt the blow as Haldir hurtled into him, sending him through the air to land several yards further down the trail. A deafening roar filled his ears. He raised his head to see a torrent of mud, rock, and water cascading down behind him.
The path was gone. And so was Haldir.
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