'I do not think he will ever be ready to leave the one he is in love with.'
The words echoed unceasingly in Haldir's mind. Thranduil had put no accusation into the statement, yet Haldir's own conscience was self-indictment enough. Left alone with the distressing truth of the nature of Legolas's love-for Thranduil had departed the healer's talans and Orophin and Rumil had not yet returned-Haldir began to feel, ever more acutely, that to which Thranduil had alluded: his aloneness. To whom could he go with the guilt that flooded every corner of his mind? Who could examine his actions and tell him whether he had acted prudently or foolishly? Who could help ease an anguish that very few understood? Haldir was not even sure anymore if he understood it. He could not recall the events leading up to the attack without an overwhelming sense of remorse and weakness on his own part. How could he have been so blind? And how could he be angry at Aluvater for putting an end to a relationship that never should have been allowed to progress to the point it had? No, Haldir had to concede that his own weakness had forced the situation and that he was no longer unsullied in Aluvater's sight-and this was the most horrible part of the whole thing. He had lost that which he valued most. He had broken his vow, broken faith with the One.
The door opened and Orophin peeked his head in. Seeing only Haldir, he stepped inside, and Rumil followed.
"That was certainly an honor," Orophin began. "Thranduil made it a special point to come see you-" He stopped abruptly, seeing the look on Haldir's face. "Haldir? What is the matter?"
Haldir shook his head slightly and remained silent.
"Was he unkind?" Orophin pressed.
Haldir hesitated before answering. "No, he was very kind."
"Then what is wrong?"
"Do you really need to ask me that?" Haldir questioned. "Have I not merited some small bit of melancholy?"
"You are being evasive," Orophin replied
Rumil nodded his agreement. "Certainly you have suffered, but there is something altogether different in your countenance right now." He stretched out a gentle finger and touched the translucent skin beneath Haldir's eyes. "You were crying?"
"Does that disturb you?" Haldir asked.
Rumil was honest. "Yes, it does," he replied. "I want to know what sadness brought forth these tears."
Haldir paused. When, at last, he spoke, his voice had lost some of its cool despondency. "Many sadnesses, Rumil. I am realizing that there is no place for someone like me in Middle Earth any more."
Both brothers were struck speechless. They stared at Haldir as if they could not possibly have heard him correctly. Haldir lowered his eyes uncomfortably.
It was Orophin who finally managed to find his voice. "How can you say that? How can you even think it?"
"All I have to do is look around me. I am the only one. All the others have moved on," Haldir replied morosely. "Perhaps Aluvater desires that I do the same."
"But you have never wanted to leave Middle Earth," Rumil reminded him. "Why do you want to leave now? Is it because of what happened to you?"
"Or is it because of Legolas?" Orophin added, a keen light glancing from his eye.
"I told you, there are many reasons," Haldir replied. "I-I am no longer a fit servant for Aluvater-"
"That is absurd!" Orophin burst out. "You could not help what they did to you!"
"That is of no matter." Haldir's voice was still dull and lifeless. "I am not whole anymore-"
"Why is that a reason to leave?" Rumil interrupted. "If that is what you believe, you will be unfit in Valinor, as well. You are using that as an excuse-"
"But I will not be so alone," Haldir replied.
"You are not alone!" Orophin stated emphatically. "And you are needed here! You are wanted here." He leaned over and took firm but careful hold of Haldir's shoulders. "Who has put these ideas into your head?"
"It is not a question of whom," Haldir said. "It is the result of events." He raised a hand wearily to his forehead. "I am grown very tired, brothers. Would you leave me to get some sleep?"
"No," Rumil replied. "You may sleep, but we will not leave you."
Haldir gave a disparaging laugh. "Do you fear I will run off? I am in no condition for it. Truthfully, I only wish to be alone for a little while."
"You only just bemoaned your loneliness-"
"You know this is different," Haldir replied. "I desire a moment's peace- not isolation. Please, brothers, how often do I ask anything of you?"
Orophin straightened up with a frown. "Very well. But you must put this ridiculous idea of leaving Middle Earth out of your head-"
"I thought you both wanted to go to Valinor," Haldir interjected.
"Things have changed, Haldir," Rumil replied. "You know that. You have made us love this place as much as you do. Valinor will always be there, waiting. You are not ready to go, and neither are we."
Haldir watched them leave. He held out little hope that they would ever understand the pain he was in. He had no idea how badly he underestimated them.
When Legolas opened his eyes, a smile was already on his face. He had slept well, and today, if he had his way, he would see Haldir. He sat up and saw Ardamil sitting a few feet away, sipping from a steaming cup.
"Good morning," Ardamil said.
"It is," Legolas agreed, getting to his feet and stretching. "I had a wonderful sleep."
"Your father's arrival seems to have done you a world of good," Ardamil noted.
"Yes, that and the hope that I will see Haldir today," Legolas replied. He glanced around the talan. "Where is my father? And Mythis?"
"Your father left thirty or forty minutes ago-"
"Where to?"
"He did not say, but I believe he was going to see Lord Celeborn. He wanted no escort," Ardamil said. "And he did not want to wake you. Mythis went to the patrol's talans to get a few things." He stood up and fixed Legolas a cup of the tea. "I am glad they are gone. It gives me a few minutes alone with you."
Legolas took the mug from his outstretched hand, set it down, then stepped forward and took hold of Ardamil's arms. "I have been so involved in my own misery that I forgot how hard this must be on you." He looked him directly in the eyes. "Are you alright?"
"It has been difficult," Ardamil admitted.
"At least you were able to be with him," Legolas said. "I am sure your presence was a comfort."
"Perhaps," Ardamil replied, and his countenance grew long and cheerless. "He barely knew I was there. He slept most of the time. When he did wake up, it was usually because of a nightmare . . . and then he would fall right back to sleep. Believe me, Legolas, it was not a privilege to be with him. It was painful, and if I did not love him the way I do, I would not have been able to bear it."
Legolas embraced him. "I am sorry, Ardamil. I did not mean to sound petty. I truly meant that your being there had to be good for him." He paused. "My presence apparently would not have been."
"That is impossible to say, Legolas," Ardamil replied, easing back. "Meltheon did what he thought was best."
"Yes, I know," Legolas replied.
Ardamil was pensive for several seconds, then he asked, "Are you angry with me?"
"Angry? Of course not. Why?" Legolas was surprised.
"For not telling you what Lord Celeborn told you," Ardamil replied. "For withholding the truth about Haldir."
"No, no . . . Ardamil, no," Legolas replied. "It was Haldir's own choice not to tell me-"
"Are you angry at him?" Ardamil interjected.
"No." Legolas's voice was almost a whisper. "I am confused but not angry." He shook his head. "If anything, I am angry at myself. Now all the signs seem clear. Everything you told me before makes sense, but I . . . I never would have thought that . . . that he had chosen such a life. I did not even know that such a life existed." He sat down on the divan. "And all along, he was hoping that I would follow him. And why not?" He sighed heavily. "I could scarcely bear to be separated from him. I told him, I do not know how many times, that I wanted to be like him. Why should he have thought otherwise?"
"He did think otherwise, Legolas," Ardamil replied, leaning against the trunk of the mellryn. "He was not sure how you felt. That is why he did not tell you."
"Yes, Lord Celeborn said the same thing."
"But now you know the truth. Does it change how you feel about him?"
Legolas felt the smile returning to his face. "It makes him even more remarkable." The smile faded just as quickly. "But I feel no attraction to such a life."
"Then you must tell him," Ardamil said. "But not now, not yet. I do not think he could bear it right now-"
At that moment, there came a knock at the door, and Legolas hurried to answer it. It was Fintherfin.
"Meltheon sent me to tell you that you may come see Haldir," the assistant announced with a smile.
Legolas could barely contain his excitement. "I will be there shortly!" he exclaimed.
Fintherfin departed without another word, and Legolas turned to see Ardamil standing in the doorway between the holy room and talan.
"I can go see him!" Legolas said. "Will you come with me?"
"Not this first time," Ardamil replied. "You should see him alone. I will wait here to tell your father where you have gone." He paused. "I only . . . I . . . are you ready to see him, Legolas?"
Legolas looked at him, perplexed. "Ready? I have been ready. I have been waiting for this moment for days now-"
"I know you 'want' to see him," Ardamil said. "But are you 'ready' to see him?"
Legolas regarded him in silent puzzlement.
Ardamil continued. "You witnessed first-hand the things that happened to him. And now-now you know what he is. You can understand what being raped did to him."
Legolas was silent for several seconds. At last, he said softly, "That is why I must see him."
"Legolas, be careful," Ardamil pleaded. "He is so deeply injured . . . I fear you may not recognize the elf you encounter in the healer's bed."
"He is still Haldir, and that is all that matters," Legolas replied.
Ardamil nodded slowly. "Then you had better go see him."
Haldir felt a coolness against his cheek and turned his face into the soothing softness. A moment later, something warm touched his lips . . . and lingered. It was a kiss, a wonderful kiss-gentle and loving. He opened his eyes to see Legolas easing away, gazing down at him with such an expression of love in his eyes that Haldir found himself verging on a smile, something he had imagined he would never experience again.
"I was renewing my seal," Legolas whispered, "which, I warn you, I intend to do very often."
Haldir could not speak. Legolas was so beautiful, so sincere. How in creation was he going to be able to keep his promise to Thranduil? And to himself? How was he going to let go of Legolas? How was he going to be able to bear the guilt of causing Legolas pain, which such a forced separation must surely do? The guilt he bore already was crushing him under its weight, and now he was about to add more . . . did he even know what he was doing? He had never felt such confusion in his entire life.
"I am sorry for disturbing your sleep," Legolas apologized.
"It is a pleasant way to wake up," Haldir replied, but his voice contained a certain wariness.
Legolas stared at him with unadulterated joy. "I have missed you terribly."
"And I, you."
"I would have come to see you sooner, but Meltheon would not permit it," Legolas explained.
A faint grin now formed on Haldir's face. "That was wise."
"He says you will recover." Legolas sounded particularly pleased with this prognosis.
Haldir's smile remained, but he did not speak.
"Are you in any pain?" Legolas asked, sitting down on the stool beside the bed.
"Nothing that can not be borne."
"And the memory of what happened . . . can that be borne?"
"It is being borne."
Legolas regarded him in silence: the stoicism, the reserve. But there was also a sadness in his features, the appearance of defeat. It made Legolas's heart ache. "I know what being attacked like that meant to you," he ventured cautiously.
Haldir's gaze drifted away. "Do you?" he asked, his voice somewhere between doubt and indifference.
Legolas leaned close. "Yes, I do. I know about your vow."
This announcement pricked Haldir's attention, but he looked only mildly surprised. "Who told you?"
"Mythis . . . and Lord Celeborn," Legolas replied.
"You were bound to find out sooner or later." Haldir's voice was dull, and Legolas sensed the fear that had crept in around the edges of his manner.
"Why did you not tell me?" Legolas asked. "We were so often together, and you never said a word - not once."
"Not directly," Haldir corrected. "But I tried to . . . to get you to realize it on your own."
"If I had known, I would never have let them do that to you-"
"You can not blame yourself, Legolas. Your actions saved both of us," Haldir said matter-of-factly.
"I should not have let them force me . . ."
"You had no other choice."
"I could have done what you told me to do. I could have refused," Legolas insisted.
"We would both be dead-"
"But it would have been a noble death, instead of giving in to fear!"
Haldir shook his head. "I was wrong, Legolas. What you did saved us. You made the right choice. I was wrong. It seems that my choices are often wrong whenever you enter the picture."
Legolas drew back, stunned. "What?"
"You cloud my mind. Nothing is clear when you are near me or even when you merely enter my thoughts. It is not a good thing, Legolas. What sort of danger have I been putting the patrol into, when your presence always overrides my own good sense?"
"But . . . it isn't like that!" Legolas protested warmly.
"It is," Haldir persisted. "We have just been fortunate."
"No!" Legolas shifted to sit on the side of the bed and looked at Haldir with the desperation of a one trying to prove his innocence. "You have never shown me any special consideration. You have never put the patrol in danger because of me! You have been my teacher, Haldir! If this is about what happened on the trail, then that was all my doing! It was my thoughts that had strayed, but they are back in order now!"
"Legolas . . ." Haldir's voice was deep and slow. "I think your father might be right."
"My father? Has he been to see you?"
"He was here earlier this morning."
Legolas looked disgusted. "So, they would let him in, but not me."
"He is a king-"
"And I am a prince!" Legolas caught himself and regained his composure. "What did he say?"
"He thinks that you are in love with me."
Legolas flushed. "And you agree with him . . ."
Haldir nodded. "I believe that is why I have had such difficulty making good decisions where you are concerned. Some part of me sensed your attachment and . . . this time I did not do anything to stop it."
"This time?" Legolas whispered, feeling a sudden sense of cold betrayal. "So, it's true, then. Those stories about other elves falling in love with you?"
Haldir nodded.
"And you turned them away." Legolas's voice was almost an accusation.
Another nod. "I had to."
"So, what was it you were hoping for from me? Why did you let me linger on?"
Haldir looked up at him, and his voice trembled as he spoke. "You must already know the answer to that question."
"Lord Celeborn told me you wanted me to follow in your footsteps," Legolas replied. "To become one of the Consecrated."
"He was telling the truth," Haldir acknowledged.
They were both silent for several long seconds. It was Haldir who spoke first. "What did you tell him when he said that to you?"
Legolas felt his throat constricting. Ardamil had warned him not to do this to Haldir, but Haldir was asking. Legolas would not lie to him.
"I do not believe I am suited to such a life, Haldir," he said, very nearly apologetic. "I can now see that, for you, there could be no other possibility. You were meant for such a calling. But I can not think that it is for me." He added quickly, "But that does not mean that I can not be with you! Even if I do not follow the path to Consecration, I can still be with you. I can be a member of the patrol! I will stay by your side, if you will let me."
So, here it was. This was the deciding point.
Haldir fixed Legolas with a steady gaze. "I will not let you."
Legolas stared in stunned silence.
"I can not have you near me, Legolas," Haldir went on. "Whenever I look at you, I will always see the one I wished to follow me. Your presence will cause me nothing but pain."
"But-"
"I think it best that you return to Mirkwood," Haldir said in precise syllables.
"No," Legolas protested. "That is not best. It can not be what you want! It certainly is not what I want. I want to stay with you."
"Legolas-"
"Maybe my father is right. Maybe I do love you, but what is the matter with that? We could go on the way things are! There is nothing wrong with that, is there?" Legolas cut him off, his voice soaring with emotion.
Haldir swallowed. "You are a prince, Legolas," he began softly. "You should not be forced to love something that has been soiled, that has taken dirt from other hands."
Legolas was horrified by Haldir's self-description. He wondered, for a moment, where the Haldir he had known and loved all those months had gone to; but then he remembered Ardamil's other warning:
' He is so deeply injured . . . I fear you may not recognize the elf you encounter in the healer's bed.'
His outrage and horror melted into sorrow and compassion. "You are no such thing," he said gravely. "And I am not being forced to love you."
"I would not be able to bear seeing you, Legolas," Haldir insisted, ignoring what Legolas had said. "You would be a constant reminder of things that I wish to forget." He paused. "And I am not so certain that I will stay in Middle Earth."
Legolas's face froze. "What?"
"There is little sense in me staying here," Haldir replied. "But you are not ready to leave yet."
"I-I do not understand any of this!" Legolas cried out. "You are not yourself! You are not speaking rationally!"
"I am speaking the truth-"
"It is not the truth!" He drew close, caressing Haldir's cheek with his palm. "Haldir, you-you are injured, and you are still in shock over what happened; but please . . . please believe me . . . the things you are saying are not what you really mean. They can't be!"
Haldir reached up and gently removed Legolas's hand. "I have made many mistakes throughout my life. I will not make another one with you."
Legolas was desperate. "Don't do this, Haldir," he begged. "Don't send me away."
"It is too late, Legolas. I have made my decision."
Legolas stood up. His legs shook. "With no thought for me?"
Haldir was silent.
"And no thought for yourself? This can not be what you really want. Do you give no thought at all to your own feelings in the matter?"
Haldir's voice was a near whisper. "What good captain does?"
"Ardamil?"
Ardamil looked up to see Orophin and Rumil come in through the holy room.
"What are you two doing here?" he asked, standing up and coming to meet them.
"Haldir wanted some time alone," Orophin replied. "Is Legolas here with you?"
"He was until a little while ago. He went to see Haldir," Ardamil replied.
"And Thranduil? Is he here?"
"No, he left earlier this morning. I don't know where to."
"He went to see Haldir, but he left, and we thought he might have come back here," Rumil said.
"He went to see Haldir?" Ardamil was surprised.
Orophin nodded. "We don't know what he said to him. He asked to talk to Haldir alone." A pause. "And after he left, Haldir said . . . all kinds of crazy things."
"What sorts of things?" Ardamil asked.
"He says he will leave Middle Earth," Orophin replied. "He says he is unfit to serve Aluvater. You must come talk to him."
"Leave Middle Earth?" Ardamil was alarmed. "That can not be."
"But he says he will leave," Orophin restated. "Please, Ardamil, you are the only one who might be able to get through to him. He listens to no one else like he listens to you."
"I will go this very minute," Ardamil said. He was already heading for the doorway as he spoke.
Ardamil did not even see Legolas coming until the Mirkwood elf had ran headlong into him just outside the healer's talans.
"Legolas-" Ardamil began, but Legolas pushed past him, obviously upset, his movements agitated.
"Legolas?" Ardamil said again.
Legolas's only response was a startling, "Leave me be!"
Ardamil was tempted to go after him, but he could not deny that if Legolas were upset and coming from a visit with Haldir, then there stood a good chance that Haldir was also distressed. And his loyalty to and love for Haldir took precedence.
He took the last few steps two at a time, coming to the talan and heading directly for Haldir's room. Upon entering, he found Haldir lying quietly in the bed, eyes closed, apparently asleep. But closer inspection revealed the uneven breathing, the trembling limbs, the labored attempt at self-control.
"Haldir?"
Haldir gave him only a brief glance before closing his eyes again.
Ardamil sat down on the bedside and ran his fingers over Haldir's temple in a soothing manner. Neither of them spoke for a long time, but at length, Ardamil asked, "How are you feeling?"
"I am tired," Haldir replied.
"Do you want me to leave?"
"No," Haldir told him right away. "Stay, please."
Another long silence followed, and again it was Ardamil who broke it. "Is there anything I can do?"
"You are doing it," Haldir said. "Just your being here brings me some measure of peace."
Ardamil frowned. "Are you willing to settle for 'some measure' of peace?"
"It is the most I can hope for," Haldir answered.
"Look at me, Haldir," Ardamil insisted.
Haldir opened his eyes and regarded his subaltern with impassive eyes.
Ardamil continued. "Orophin and Rumil came to see me. They told me you want to leave Middle Earth. Is that true?"
Haldir hesitated a moment before answering, "It is true."
"Then I will go with you," Ardamil said bluntly.
The impassivity in Haldir's countenance was replaced with a shadow of surprise. "That is impossible," he said.
"It certainly is not," Ardamil replied.
"Someone must stay and take care of the patrol," Haldir stated.
"Someone will, but it will not be me," Ardamil said. "I will be with you."
"You can not help me, Ardamil," Haldir began. "There is no one in all of Middle Earth who can understand . . . who can help me find my way back-"
"That is not true, and you know it," Ardamil interrupted. "Wherever such an idea came from, it is sheer lunacy. The ones best able to help you are right here, the ones who love you."
Haldir regarded him for a moment, then confusion broke over his face. "What am I to do, Ardamil? I do not know where to turn. Everything is ruined, and it is my own fault."
"Everything is not ruined-" Ardamil protested, but Haldir cut him off.
"My vow is shattered! There is nothing I can offer to Aluvater anymore that He would deign to accept," he burst out. "I am broken in His sight." He lowered his eyes. "It is a just punishment."
"Punishment? What are you talking about?" Ardamil's voice was filled with doubt.
"You were right all along, Ardamil," Haldir replied. "Right about Legolas. Right about me. He never had any desire to follow my path, but I did not want to see that. And I let all my hopes for his future break down my defenses against the attraction I felt for him. I should have rebuked him from the beginning, but I encouraged him. I thought I could draw the line, but I couldn't. Or perhaps I could have, but I didn't. And then it was too late."
Ardamil listened with rapt attention. "Too late?"
"On the hike . . . before the rock slide . . . he kissed me. Not the kiss of the seal, but of passion and . . . and desire. He was in love with me. And he was horrified at that fact. Now he knows what he wants, which is to be near me . . . but I . . . it is not clear in my own mind what I want." He paused, anguish etched across his face. "And even if I knew what I wanted, how can I be sure it is what Aluvater wants? I do not-I do not even know if Aluvater wants me anymore. I have broken my vow. I had broken it even before the men took me, by refusing to renounce my feelings for Legolas."
Ardamil mulled over Haldir's words before speaking. When he spoke, his voice was low and assured. "Have you re-created Aluvater according to your own ideas? This is not the One that you have worshipped all the centuries that I have known you. Perhaps you must take your share of the guilt where Legolas is involved, but your interest in him was always with a mind towards Consecration. Am I right?"
"I don't know anymore," Haldir replied dolefully.
"But I do," Ardamil said emphatically. "If you are guilty of anything, it is of blinding yourself to Legolas's feelings, in favor of fueling your desire that he follow you. It is the same thing you have done in centuries gone by. And now, you decide that Aluvater is punishing you, but why would He? Was your failure to discourage Legolas so heinous as to merit being attacked like that? I do believe Aluvater punishes-you taught me that- but He does so in proportion to the crime. You did not break your vow, Haldir. You may have been tempted, but . . . unless there is something I do not know about, you resisted that temptation. Your vow is not broken."
"I can not be so certain," Haldir replied.
"Then I will be certain for you," Ardamil persisted. "Your vow is not broken." He leaned over and pressed his cheek to Haldir's temple, then whispered, "And there is none among the First-born whom Aluvater loves more." He eased back to see Haldir regarding him with uncharacteristic trepidation and uncertainty. "I will not let you go. None of us will. You belong with us, and with us you must stay."
Haldir's voice was air-thin. "Even if I were to stay, Legolas must not."
"Is that why he was so upset? I saw him leaving here, and he looked very bad," Ardamil said. "Did you tell him he had to leave?"
"I told him I thought it was best that he leave when his father leaves," Haldir replied.
"And do you truly believe that?"
Haldir considered. "Some part of me does."
"Is it the greater part?"
"It is the only part that matters," Haldir replied. "Ardamil, it is not important what I want. It matters what is right."
Ardamil could not argue with this. "And you are sure that you are right about Legolas?"
"I am sure."
"Then I will not argue with you," Ardamil said. "But you must give me your word that you will not leave Middle Earth . . . not until the lights go out in Lothlorien."
"I can not give you my word, Ardamil," Haldir told him honestly. "I can only tell you I will consider it."
Ardamil sighed and nodded. "If that is the most you can give right now, I understand. Either way, I will not be separated from you, Haldir. That is my vow, and I give it freely."
Haldir looked at Ardamil and wondered what he had ever done to deserve such friendship, such loyalty. "You are good to me, Ardamil," he said softly.
Ardamil smiled with a certain contentedness and was silent.
The sun was just above the treetops, glancing down into the glade, reflecting off the flowing waters of the Anduin. The air was without sound other than the occasional rustling of the grass and treetops. Every now and then, Legolas imagined he heard the sound of oars in the river.
No one disturbed him. No one even knew he was there in that field on the far side of the Anduin, the field where Haldir had chased Melthea, the field that marked one of Legolas's most joyful memories. He had come alone and on purpose to this place, feeling that he needed some memory of happiness, for it seemed that memory was all that remained to him.
He lay in the long grass and stared skyward, watching the flight of a swallow as it spiraled up towards freedom. Legolas felt almost envious. Never before had his body seemed so heavy, so out of touch with the natural world around him. He toyed with the idea of saying one of the prayers, but it did not feel right to him any longer. And so he lay there late in the afternoon, silent and preoccupied with sadness.
The sound of Ardamil's voice roused him. "Legolas? Elbereth! The patrol has been out searching for you half the day!"
Legolas sat up and looked over his shoulder to see Ardamil approaching.
"You have found me," he answered dully.
"Your father has worried himself to distraction," Ardamil said, coming to stand next to him. He crossed his ankles and sat down beside him. "What are you doing out here?"
Legolas shrugged with feigned carelessness. "I wanted to be alone."
"I know that you have reason to grieve."
"Haldir told you?"
"He told me some things," Ardamil replied.
Legolas was direct. "Did he tell you he wants me to leave Lothlorien?"
"Yes, he did, although he was cloudy about the reasons why," Ardamil replied. "Perhaps you can enlighten me?"
Legolas made a sound of doubt and disbelief. "He had all sorts of reasons," he said getting to his feet. "Does it matter?" he asked, starting to walk away.
Ardamil rose and gently gripped his shoulder. "Yes, it does. Because my captain, who is also my dearest friend, is suffering immensely already. And I do not want anything adding to his suffering."
"It is not me who is adding to his suffering," Legolas said. "He does it to himself. You even told me that once, that he almost forces people to hurt him. He is forcing me to leave, and yet I know that my departure will be painful to him. Why is he insisting that I leave? Does he not trust me anymore?"
Ardamil came around and stood in front of Legolas. "He trusts you." A pause. "Even after you kissed him, he still trusted you." At Legolas's wide-eyed shock, Ardamil went on without judgment. "But I am not sure he trusts himself."
"Did he tell you that?"
"He did." Ardamil smiled. "You see, Legolas . . . he can say these things to me, because I was in love with him, too. I still am, but in a different way. I outgrew the love that demanded his body. It gave way to a love that would do anything for him." He pierced Legolas with an intense gaze. "Are you capable of rendering that kind of love to him?"
Legolas was tempted to give a knee-jerk reaction, but he hesitated and gave the question silent consideration. At last, he replied, "I think so, but apparently Haldir does not."
"Many elves have fallen in love with him, Legolas," Ardamil explained. "But not all of those who pursued him were able to come to the same sort of happy situation he and I share. Their love was not genuine; it was lustful. They coveted all the beautiful things about him, but blinded themselves to the truth, which was that he could not love them the way they wanted. And Haldir was equally guilty of refusing to see the truth of their attachments to him."
"Yes, I have been told these things-"
"But not by me." Ardamil was emphatic. "My relationship with Haldir has survived."
Legolas nodded vaguely. After a few seconds, he asked, "Do you also think I should leave?"
Ardamil was pensive. "I do not know. I honestly do not know. It will be painful for him either way." He put his arm around Legolas's shoulders. "There will be no easy decisions."
Legolas shook his head. "For me, there are no decisions. They all belong to Haldir."
Ardamil was not so sure of this. He had a suspicion that the decisions, in fact, lay even outside of Haldir's control. Ardamil understood, as Legolas did not, the power of elven lords.
Haldir was breathing hard by the time he mounted the flet that was his home, but the mere sight of the welcoming structure made the exhaustion bearable. Four weeks in the healer's talans had left him weak and frail, short-tempered and agitated by boredom. And although he was not fully recovered from the physical injuries, it had been decided by Meltheon that it might speed his convalescence if he were in his own talan.
When he climbed onto the flet, he sat on the floor and rested for several seconds. Behind him, Orophin and Rumil mounted the flet and exchanged amused glances.
"Shall we leave you to sleep here on the doorstep or help you inside?" Orophin asked.
"Help me up," Haldir replied. With a brother on each arm, he got to his feet.
"We kept it clean for you," Rumil said, opening the door.
They went inside.
The two lamps on the far side of the holy room were lit. Haldir fixed his eyes on them, as if they were guiding lights in a storm. His passage through the room seemed to last a lifetime. He felt as if he were a fraud, as if the eyes of all the Valar were regarding him from their glass visages, frowning upon him with disapproval. A sense of cold isolation descended over his heart, and he wondered if his brothers noted the accompanying rigidity of his body.
When they came into the living quarters, Haldir felt some little respite of tension.
"You see, everything is in order," Rumil announced, gesturing about the talan with his arm. "We even have a meal prepared."
Haldir nodded. "I smell it."
"Come, sit down," Orophin said, and they directed him to a low-slung chair near the brazier. "Are you hungry or would you like to rest?"
"A little rest first," Haldir replied, then changing the subject completely, he said, "I wish you had both gone out with the patrol. You did not need to stay here and watch over me."
"Meltheon and Lord Celeborn do not share your opinion," Orophin replied, fetching a flask of wine. "Besides, if no one had stayed behind to keep an eye on you, you would have tried to catch up with the patrol and ruined yourself in the process."
"That is ridiculous-" Haldir began, a genuine smile forming slightly on his lips.
"But not unlikely," Orophin added. He poured out a glass and handed it to Haldir.
Haldir accepted it, and both his gaze and voice grew distant. "This is the first time I have ever missed a patrol."
"Ardamil will take care of them," Orophin said with surety.
Haldir nodded minutely. His thoughts were already moving out beyond the boundaries of Lorien, following down the pathways he imagined Ardamil was taking. He trusted his subaltern implicitly. But he had to admit that he missed him terribly. The patrol had set out three weeks ago, while Haldir had still been bed-ridden; and he had not been able to spend much time with Ardamil before the patrol's departure. He now wished that he had. Added to that was the fact that Legolas had not yet left to return to Mirkwood, but rather had gone out with the patrol, at his father's insistence and with his father's accompaniment.
True, Thranduil had told Haldir that there would still be some weeks to pass in Lorien; but Haldir had never even imagined that Thranduil would decide to go out with a patrol-least of all, the Wide Patrol. But why not? With Haldir removed from patrol duty, there was no reason for Thranduil to fear for his son's tender heart.
And here was another source of injury. Legolas had attempted several times to see Haldir before setting out with the patrol; but Haldir had managed to avoid such a meeting at every turn. He felt that he did not have the strength to maintain his resolve. It would be best for everyone if he saw as little of Legolas as possible in the intervening months leading up to the latter's return to Mirkwood.
Sitting opposite him, Rumil leaned forward and put his elbows on his knees. "What are you thinking, brother?"
Haldir glanced up and forced a smile. "The patrol. I hope I will be well enough to go out on the next one."
Rumil narrowed his eyes. "The next patrol?"
"Yes, the next patrol," Haldir replied.
"You have decided to stay, then?" Orophin asked.
"For the time-being, at least," Haldir replied. "I can not say what my final decision will be, but I can not bear the thought of leaving you two. It is unpleasant even being at odds with you." He paused. "And if Legolas is leaving, then things can return to the way they used to be."
Orophin found himself poised on the edge of an expression of doubt, but he opted for silence instead. It was unlikely that things would ever return to the way they had been; Legolas had already become a part of Haldir, no matter how much Haldir might want to deny it. Haldir's insistence on Legolas's departure had been met steadily by Legolas's resistance to the idea. Yet, the thing was already decided.
After several minutes of silent companionship, Rumil asked, "Do you not wish to spend some time in the holy room? We thought that would be the highlight of your return home."
Haldir hesitated before answering. "Later on, perhaps." He looked up into the dark archway. A feeling of fear stirred his innards, and his hand shook as he brought the wine glass to his lips. His greatest joy and consolation had become his greatest fear. He was wary of returning to his devotions, for he was not sure what awaited him. Would his prayers still be honored? Would he even be acknowledged?
Almost as if reading Haldir's thoughts, Rumil rose to his feet and came to wrap his arms around his shoulders. "You have stayed away from Him for too long. There have been no celebrations, Haldir. Nature and the elements wish to sing again."
Haldir reached up and squeezed Rumil's wrist. "I am not ready to try yet," he whispered.
"It will do you endless good, I am sure," Rumil persisted.
Haldir actually grinned. "Perhaps you should take up the banner, my dearest brother."
"It is not my banner to carry, Haldir." Rumil held him even tighter. "It is yours."
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