Haldir assigned Orophin and Maynfeln to accompany Legolas back to Lorien. He sent Mythis back to Amenden with payment and reassurance to the horse master that the animal would be returned to him in good time.
Orophin's party departed in the morning after a night of uncomfortable tenseness in the encampment. Haldir had spoken hardly a word all night, and even less at their departure, other than to advise Orophin in the sternest of terms that he wanted to hear of no further mishaps and that he was holding his brother personally responsible for Legolas's safety.
Orophin set an easy pace back to Caras Galadhon, preferring to move somewhat slower than to risk aggravating Legolas's injuries. Legolas, for his part, bore up well. He had tried to convince Haldir that morning that it was not necessary for him to go back, that he could manage the last ten days of the patrol without too much difficulty, so long as he could ride. But Haldir had dismissed the matter with very few words.
"You are going back to Caras Galadhon." That was all he had said, and Legolas had not dared to argue with him.
And so Legolas had parted with Haldir on less than pleasant terms. His thoughts, during the return to Lorien, were morose and consuming. By the end of the first day's travel, he had wearied himself from worry alone.
Below him, leading the horse, Orophin glanced up in the cool evening twilight. "You have been unusually quiet since we set out this morning, Legolas."
Legolas sighed. "I am pained by what has happened. I seem to have thrown an ugly twist into things. The patrol started out so well, and I . . ." He hesitated, searching for the words. "Haldir and I were growing very close."
Orophin nodded earnestly. "Yes, we had all noticed that. Haldir is very fond of you."
"But now all that is ruined! And I do not understand why. It was not such a very bad thing to happen, was it? Did he need to be so severe?" Legolas asked.
"Where foolishness is concerned, yes," Maynfeln replied. "And where the safety of an honored guest, who is also a prince, is concerned, certainly yes." A meaningful pause. "And where foolishness and said honored guest come together . . . I think he has a right to be severe."
"I wasn't being foolish," Legolas protested.
"Then you did not think that mounting maneuver was dangerous?" Orophin pressed.
Legolas colored slightly. "I only wanted to learn how to do it to impress him."
Orophin actually grinned. This was what he had suspected. Legolas was no more immune to Haldir's strange pull than any of the other patrol members. "I would say you were successful. You have definitely left an impression on him."
"Of my stupidity, apparently."
"Precisely," Orophin confirmed.
Legolas sat quietly. The petulance was draining away, leaving only sadness.
Orophin dropped back a step and pat the side of Legolas's leg. "He'll come around," he said comfortingly. "But you might want to consider apologizing to him."
The petulance returned instantly. "Apologize to him? I am the one who got hurt. I am the one who was dressed down in front of the rest of the patrol. And I was only doing it because I want him to be proud of me. Why would I apologize to him?"
Orophin's answer was simple. "For scaring him."
"You were very fortunate. It is only a bruise, when it could easily have been a broken pelvis. There is little to be done for it, other than to give you something for the pain. The ribs will heal on their own, as well. All that is required of you is rest."
Legolas grimaced. "I am afraid that 'rest' does not agree with me. I hate to be idle."
Meltheon, the healer, smiled indulgently. "I can certainly believe that. But rest, you must. And since the patrol does not come back for another week, you will have some time to recover peacefully." He stood up and moved to a row of shelves, stocked with vials, beakers, and boxes. From one of the boxes, he withdrew a sachet of herbs. "This makes an excellent brew. It will help with the pain."
Legolas accepted the sachet. "It is not that painful."
Meltheon eyed Legolas as if he were putting up with an expected behavior. "I have been in this world even longer than Lord Celeborn. Will you attempt to hide things from me? Your words mean nothing when your body shows all." He crossed his arms. "It is not a grievous pain, but a pain nonetheless. Do as your healer tells you and rest for the next few weeks. You may even be able to go out on the next patrol."
Legolas lowered his eyes. "If I am still in the patrol."
"Such injuries are hardly reason to cast you out," Meltheon said, helping Legolas on with a loose overgarment, to spare him as much movement as possible. He then called in Orophin and Maynfeln. It had been decided that Legolas would stay with Orophin, his talan being easily reachable and close to the patrol's talans.
And so, escorted by his two patrol mates, Legolas came to the dwelling that was to be his home for the next week at least. Beyond that, Legolas did not want to contemplate.
Orophin and Maynfeln ensured Legolas was made comfortable, after which the latter departed with a promise to come back later in the evening to see how the patient was doing. That left Orophin alone with Legolas, and the opportunity Legolas had been waiting for.
"I am afraid Haldir will ask that I be transferred to another patrol," Legolas blurted out as Orophin set to making the herbal brew.
"Nonsense," Orophin replied. "That will certainly not happen."
"Orophin, you saw how angry he was. I could not have imagined him so enraged," Legolas insisted.
"Enraged? Honestly, Legolas, that was not rage. He was angry, yes; and perhaps his anger was not in proportion to the event," Orophin replied. "But that only means that there must be something else on his mind, or he never would have reacted that way. And it must be something of great concern, for he was harsh with Ardamil, and that never happens."
"Yes, poor Ardamil," Legolas agreed. "The whole thing was my fault, yet he was the one who took the brunt of Haldir's anger."
"Your actions may have played some part in it, but not enough to incite Haldir to deride Ardamil like that. No, there is something amiss between Haldir and Ardamil. Your accident would not have merited such a response from Haldir had there not already been some kind of tension between the two of them," Orophin replied with certainty. He paused a moment, then added, "Haldir and Ardamil have been together for a very long time, Legolas. Ardamil is, for all intents and purposes, another brother to me and Rumil, but he is much more than that to Haldir. For Haldir to lose his temper like that with him is very unusual." He filled a cup with the herbal elixir and brought it to Legolas. "I only hope they soon reconcile whatever differences they are having, for both of them are suffering for it."
Legolas looked pensive but said nothing.
Orophin traded his rather somber manner for one more amenable to him and brightened up with a grin. "The cupboards are empty, and I am starving. Will you be alright if I go to restock?"
"I'll be fine," Legolas replied. "I am very tired, I must admit. I feel like a good sleep."
Orophin nodded once. "I won't be long." Then, before he left, he turned once more. "Do not fret over it, Legolas. It will all come out well in the end. Haldir can never stay angry for too long."
Three days passed, and surprisingly, Legolas did not have to fight any strong desire to be up and about, for in truth, he found himself exhausted and in great need of rest. Orophin was an excellent caretaker, and Maynfeln came to the talan at least twice a day, usually more, to check on Legolas's condition.
Word had reached Lord Celeborn within moments of Legolas's return to Lorien, and the Lord of the Golden Wood had made it a priority to check on Legolas and send word to Thranduil that there had been a minor accident, no need to worry. However, Celeborn's message to Orophin - "Tell Haldir I wish to see him directly he comes" - gave both Orophin and Legolas a sense of the impending wrath that awaited the Captain of the Wide Patrol.
A sense of guilt pressed on Legolas's shoulders, but he had already seen with these Lorien elves, that any attempt to deflect the blame from one of them onto himself was not possible. And so he bore his guilt with stoic patience until, by the fourth day of his convalescence, he could no longer bear its intrusion into his thoughts. He needed a distraction, something to help him get a bit out of his own head.
It was late in the day. Orophin had gone to the fitters with yet another rent cloak, and being that he enjoyed flirting with the elf-maidens who worked there, it was safe to assume that it was going to be a long visit.
Legolas found that he could get around fairly well, and the prospect of a bit of entertainment appealed to his spirit, and so he headed out for a walk, hoping to find some form of amusement. It was not long before he came upon a group of elves gathered about the base of one of the great mellyrns. Legolas recognized several of them, including Nenstil. Seeing Legolas, Nenstil waved him over and invited him to join the group. Legolas accepted the offer. They were taking turns reading out loud from a book of Dwarven tales, written in Dwarvish, translating as they went. They would read the sentence first in Dwarvish, and then give a rendering in Elvish. There was a great deal of laughter and merriment, for the Dwarvish pronunciations were abominable, and being that very few of the group had any degree of proficiency as translators, the meaning of the texts was frequently debated and questioned.
After some time, one of the elves called an end to the pursuit and suggested a relocation to the fountain for a round of ale. Legolas went along with them.
"I was surprised to see you back before the patrol's return," Nenstil remarked to Legolas, as they headed for the fountain. "But then I heard you were injured. I see you are limping somewhat."
"I had a riding accident," Legolas replied. "It was nothing serious."
"Fortunately," Nenstil added, then he asked, "And how goes your time with the wide patrol?"
"It goes well, except for this little matter," Legolas replied.
"Then you are learning a lot?"
"More than I ever realized I was missing," came the good-humored answer.
"Nikerym Haldir is an excellent teacher," Nenstil said. "What has he taught you?"
"Ah, where to begin . . . languages. He knows so many and speaks them all so well, especially the Ancient Language. I enjoy to accompanying him in the songs and the prayers. He has also shown me a great deal about tracking . . . how to stay hidden, how to read the signs in the land and sky." Legolas gave a thoughtful pause. "But I learn the most important things just from watching him."
"Such as?"
Talking about Haldir in such positive terms helped dissipate some of the darkness that had rested on Legolas's heart as he had contemplated what might happen upon Haldir's return. But now, a light shined in his eyes as he recollected the things that seemed to make Haldir more than just another member of the Guardians of the Golden Wood. "His leadership. The way the elves under him would do anything for him. His ability to empathize with his surroundings. The care and loyalty that he shows to every member of the patrol."
Nenstil was still smiling. "What else has he shown you?"
Legolas considered. "He has great faith and . . . he is devoted."
Nenstil nodded. "I remember."
Legolas was so swept up in singing Haldir's praises that Nenstil's statement of "memory" went completely unnoticed. "Lady Galadriel said that he was rare, even among elves. Never was a truer word spoken."
"You are very much in awe of him, aren't you?" Nenstil asked.
"I suppose I am," Legolas replied with no hint of embarrassment. "How could I not be? There are few to compare to him."
"Spoken like a true student of the good captain," Nenstil said, a certain sadness coming into his voice, and this time Legolas could not help but notice.
"Does something grieve you?" he asked, placing a hand on Nenstil's shoulder.
Nenstil replied after a brief hesitation, "Only memories of bygone days." He paused and looked at Legolas with serious eyes. "I wish to say only this . . . that as you learn from him and adore and esteem him . . . beware of him. Be on your guard, for Haldir is complicated."
Legolas withdrew his hand. His eyes grew narrow with uncertainty, and his lips were poised to voice his protest, but Nenstil went on.
"I mean no disrespect or injury to Haldir. He is an excellent captain; there is no questioning that. Only do not let your infatuation with him blind you to some of his . . . less admirable qualities." He stopped walking, as Legolas had stopped. "Not even an elf is perfect, although Haldir might have you believe otherwise."
"He has never tried to convince me of his perfection," Legolas retorted. "He has always acted with humility."
"Always?"
Legolas swallowed nervously, for the conversation was disturbing. "Except for when he is boasting as a means of humor."
Nenstil did not say anything, but regarded Legolas in a strangely sympathetic way.
"Why are you saying these things to me?" Legolas asked.
"Because I can see that you are enamored with him," Nenstil replied gently. "Legolas, I do not say these things to make you angry or to insult Haldir. I want only to spare you any pain."
"I fear no pain at Haldir's hands. He would not do anything to cause me distress," Legolas replied, but almost as soon as he had spoken the words did he realize that he had already experienced the very thing which he was denying, and that experience was recent and still in force.
"Then I will not try to persuade you otherwise," Nenstil said with a gesture of acquiescence. "My conscience bade me give you warning. I have done, then, all that charity requires of me." He paused. "Will you still come to the fountain, or have I made an enemy of you?"
Legolas considered. He had no strong feelings one way or the other where Nenstil himself was concerned; he had enjoyed Nenstil's company before and was willing to enjoy it again. He was both intrigued and repelled by the veiled references to some part of Haldir's character that apparently merited words of caution. And even more incredible was that he had caught himself in a lie, defending falsehood against an unquestionable truth, for it was undeniable that he had felt pain because of Haldir's reaction to the riding accident. Whether or not Haldir had intentionally meant to hurt him was of no matter, for the fact was that he had been hurt. Haldir had hurt him.
"No, you are not an enemy," Legolas said at last. "I will come. I have been closed up for three days. A trip to the fountain shall do me good."
"How did it happen, Haldir? Did I not make my desires clear?"
From a posture of humility, with bowed head and hands tight at his sides, Haldir replied, "I was negligent, My Lord. I sent him on a mission without me. He was not alone, but I should have kept him in my sight."
"You must exercise greater oversight," Celeborn replied.
"Yes, my Lord."
"It is only by the grace of the Valar that he was not more seriously injured. I expect greater prudence on your part," Celeborn went on.
"Yes, my Lord."
Celeborn regarded the picture of perfect contrition before him and, rising from his chair, came down from the dias. "Haldir."
Haldir looked up to see a stern, yet compassionate expression on the elf lord's face.
"Do not be so troubled," Celeborn said, and his voice was kind and forgiving. "I am pleased with you. Legolas is headstrong and full of vigor, just like his father. While I hold you responsible for this accident, I will also tell you that you are doing very well by him. He speaks of you in the most glowing terms. I went to visit him when he came back. He was greatly worried about what impact this incident would have on you. He fears losing your friendship, which he clearly values very much."
"He is eager to learn," Haldir replied.
Celeborn regarded Haldir thoughtfully for a long time, so that Haldir felt his thoughts were being bared to his lord's scrutiny, and he colored, unable to hold Celeborn's gaze.
"Is that all you have to say of him?" Celeborn asked.
Haldir fumbled for something to say. "He is good company," he finally managed.
Celeborn gave a soft tap with one finger beneath Haldir's chin. "What disturbs your peace, Haldir?"
Still, Haldir could not rouse his courage and face his lord. He shook his head miserably and remained silent.
"This is not like you, Haldir," Celeborn went on. "It has been many centuries since I have seen such melancholy weighing upon you. Do you not wish to speak of it?"
"I would not wish to burden you with my concerns, my Lord," Haldir replied. "Besides, I would not know where to begin."
"Begin with the truth," came the simple response.
Haldir hesitated for a long while, trying to find the words. At last, he made a painful admission. "I was not a good captain on this last patrol."
"Are you basing this assessment on the incident with Legolas?" Celeborn asked.
"Partly," Haldir replied.
"And the other parts?"
Haldir hesitated again. This was his lord, and an excellent one at that. He had always treated Haldir with consideration and kindness, but there were limits in their relationship. Celeborn was an elf king. Haldir was a respected captain of the Galadhrim, but still only a captain. They had a strictly lord-servant relationship, and Haldir had always been keenly conscious of that fact.
But now, Celeborn was expressing an interest. He had seen Haldir's sadness, and he wanted to know from whence it stemmed. Granted, he had a legitimate concern. Haldir was known for his joyfulness. Even his moments of anger or sadness were quickly overcome. That was not happening this time. It was only natural that Celeborn wanted to know what had happened to upset Haldir so deeply.
At last, Haldir said, "I was angry at something one of the patrol said, and I treated them all badly because of it."
Celeborn regarded him steadily. "Is that all the explanation I am to receive?"
"It will all sound like foolishness to you, my Lord," Haldir replied, attempting to beg off any further pursuit of the matter.
But Celeborn was not so easily dissuaded. "Let me be the judge of that."
Haldir considered for a long time. At last, he said in a slow, tentative voice. "I think Legolas might follow after me."
Now, it was Celeborn's turn to hesitate. In truth, this was the last thing he had expected to hear. "I see," he said quietly. "And the reason behind this opinion?"
"He shows an inclination for it," Haldir replied.
Celeborn drew in a deep, troubled breath. "Are you sure you are not indulging in wishful thinking, Haldir?"
Haldir groaned. "That is what Ardamil said."
"Ardamil?" Suddenly, a picture began forming in Celeborn's mind that might explain Haldir's affliction. "You spoke to Ardamil of this?"
"Yes, my Lord."
"Did you argue with him?"
"Yes, my Lord," Haldir replied dejectedly. "He said I am misreading Legolas's intent."
Celeborn nodded once. "What else did he say?"
"That mine is a difficult life, and Legolas would not be able to follow it." Now, Haldir sounded perturbed. "But I think he is wrong. I think he is jealous of my friendship with Legolas."
"Nonsense," Celeborn disagreed. "Ardamil is not a squeamish elf-maiden to get jealous over his captain's shared affections. He has stood by you for far too many centuries to forsake you over one visiting prince. He has concerns over your hopes that Legolas will take your path. I share his concerns. It is simply not realistic, Haldir. You are unique. There are no more of your kind-none in any of the three known Elven kingdoms of Middle Earth. It was a legacy passed on along family lines. Legolas is not suited for such a life. And even if he were, his father would absolutely forbid it." Celeborn brushed Haldir's cheek gently with his fingers. "I am sorry, Haldir. I think Ardamil is right." A pause. "And I think you must make amends with him and Legolas. There is nothing good to be gained from so much misery."
"Yes, my Lord," Haldir replied without enthusiasm, for he was unconvinced. Or rather, he was convinced of his misery, but unconvinced that Celeborn was any more correct than Ardamil had been.
"Go, then," Celeborn said gently. "You have things to set aright."
Haldir went, but he held out little hope that any action on his part could "set things aright".
Orophin and Rumil were waiting in Haldir's talan when he returned. The two had lit the brazier and begun to cook supper. Haldir had not been expecting them, but he was glad to see them. When he entered, looking more careworn and wretched than either brother could ever remember seeing him, their lavish attentions were welcomed in earnest.
Rumil caressed Haldir's cheek with his own and pressed a glass of wine into his hand. Orophin took his brother's cloak and laid it aside. "Come onto the colonnade," Orophin insisted, and it was then that Haldir saw the steaming bath prepared for him. A powerful blush colored his cheeks, for in a moment of particularly foul temper, he had decided to bypass the patrol's usual dip into the Nimrodel before entering Caras Galadhon. Yet, here were his brothers, overlooking the manifestations of his bitterness and going to special lengths to make him comfortable. He could not help but smile.
"A bath? Are you trying to tell me something?" he quipped with as much humor as he could muster.
"We are trying to tell you that you are covered with six weeks of patrol duty," Orophin replied. "Hard duty, I might add. It is time to wash all that off." He gave a cheeky grin. "We are also trying to tell you we love you."
"Someone has to take care of you, Haldir," Rumil added. "You do such a poor job of it, yourself."
"We know you had a hard time on patrol," Orophin picked up. "We wanted to relieve some of the burden. So, I am preparing your favorite meal. Rumil is ready to sing to your heart's content. And I will even rub out your muscles, if you desire it. You look very tense and tired. Come along." Orophin led him to the colonnade. "Get undressed. Everything is ready. It's steaming hot-just as you like it." He reached up, took a handful of Haldir's hair, and grimaced. "Yes, I will let Rumil deal with this. It needs a good wash, and then the touch that only Rumil can give it."
Haldir willingly accompanied his brothers onto the colonnade. They had him stripped naked and settled into the tub within seconds. While Orophin returned to his meal, Rumil set about loosening Haldir's braids as Haldir lazed in the tub.
"Come now, Haldir, you are supposed to be bathing, not lounging," Rumil chastised. "There is a meal to follow, and then singing."
Haldir gave a close-eyed, dreamy grin. "I may not last that long."
Ruil reached over and handed him a wash cloth. "This will help you keep awake. Wash!"
Haldir did as he was told, while Orophin, from his place by the simmering pot, asked, "What did Lord Celeborn have to say?"
"Ah, I knew there was a reason behind all this pampering," Haldir grinned.
"You offend us, brother," Rumil protested. "Our curiosity over your meeting forms only part of our kindness. The greater reason is that we thought you might need it."
"Is that so?" Haldir said, wondering just how much Orophin had told Rumil about what had happened on patrol. Surely, Rumil and the rest of the patrol had, upon regrouping, noticed how out-of-sorts Haldir had been, but it was unlikely than any of Haldir's smaller group had passed on more details than were absolutely necessary to explain the absence of Legolas, Orophin, and Maynfeln. They were none of them given to gossip, but it was certain that Orophin and Rumil had talked upon the latter's return to Caras Galadhon, and come to the agreement that their captain, their dearest older brother, would need some looking after. And so here they were.
"Yes, it is so," Rumil replied. "You have had a rough time, and we are here to comfort you."
"And who is comforting Ardamil?" Haldir asked.
Orophin grinned. "I think Mythis and Lostilsil have him well in hand."
"And Legolas?"
"He has been recuperating with me. Right now, he is out and about, probably brooding somewhere," Orophin replied impatiently. "But come, come! You have not answered my question. What did Lord Celeborn say?"
"Nothing that I shall repeat to either of you," Haldir replied.
"Oh, of course not," Orophin groused. "You demand to know all the details of our lives, yet you are unwilling to share even the smallest bit of yours."
"My poor, dear Orophin," Haldir teased. "You are truly misused."
"Truly," Orophin agreed. "Alright then, if you will not tell us what Lord Celeborn said, at least tell us when you intend to apologize."
"Apologize?!" Haldir's head jerked up as his voice soared. "To whom?"
"Why, to Legolas and Ardamil, of course," Orophin replied.
Before Haldir could respond, Rumil nudged him slightly forward. "Lean forward and tilt your head back." He filled a large urn with water heating on the brazier beside the tub and used it to dampen Haldir's hair.
"You think I should apologize to them?!" Haldir sounded incredulous.
"Or they should apologize to you," Orophin replied. "Either way, so long as this foolishness ceases. At the very least, you must talk to Legolas. He is very worried. He is afraid you will ask that he be sent to another patrol."
"I do not know if I can talk to him yet," Haldir replied. "I am still angry."
"Miserable is more like it," Rumil said.
"Haldir, you know Legolas did that maneuver to impress you," Orophin said.
"Oh, I am very impressed, let me assure you-"
"Haldir! He wanted to learn how to do it, so that you would be proud of him. Your good opinion means a great deal to him."
"His good sense means a great deal to me," Haldir replied, sounding uncharacteristically flippant. "I never should have agreed to take him into the patrol."
"Now, that isn't fair, brother," Rumil chastised, pouring a generous amount of soapy liquid into his hand and setting to work on Haldir's hair. "Until this accident, he was your prize student. You can't pretend that you didn't favor him more than you've favored anyone else in a very long time. That's what upsets you so much about this, isn't it? You're feeling betrayed, because he did something without your approval."
"I'm upset because I don't want to have to be the one to tell the Lord and Lady that Thranduil's son has been injured or worse," Haldir shot back.
"Absurd." Rumil's curt response caused Haldir to look up at him with a questioning eye.
"Are you being disrespectful?"
"Never, Nikerym!" Rumil replied. "I am only trying to be honest and tell you what I see. He adores you. He practically worships you. This was one small incident. Do not hold it against him."
Haldir smirked. "I will consider it."
"And Ardamil?" This from Orophin.
Haldir grunted. "You said you were trying to help me relax. You've both suddenly become very bad at it."
"Our profuse apologies, Haldir," Rumil said, sounding anything but contrite. "Very well, no more questions." He set himself diligently to his task, and Haldir savored the feel of his fingers massaging his scalp; and when Rumil began to sing in Elvish, a deep contentment settled over Haldir's tired senses.
'When the rains fill the heavens, it will be the call of your eyes that makes waterfalls of me.
When the winter comes with its chill, I will be the ivy That clings round your door.
Open all the shutters on your windows. Unlock all the locks upon your doors. Brush away the cobwebs from your daydreams. No secrets come between us anymore.
I will come to you in the silence. I will lift you from all your fear. You will hear my voice. I claim you as my choice. Be still and know I am near.
When the seas and mountains fall and we come to end of days. In the dark I hear your call. Calling me there, I will go there, And back again.' (all of these lines are taken from existing songs)
Haldir smiled with closed eyes. "And you are still prodding me."
"I thought you liked that song," Rumil replied.
"You well know it is my favorite, and you well know why."
"Perhaps you would have appreciated it more had Ardamil been singing it," Rumil countered, pouring another urn of water to rinse away the soap.
"You are not even attempting to be subtle," Haldir said.
"Subtlety is lost on you, brother," Orophin remarked.
"Ardamil created that song just for you, Haldir. It is an indication of how much he loves you," Rumil said with sincerity. "Whatever disagreement you had with him, it should not be permitted to continue. You are being exceptionally stubborn."
"Very well," Haldir gave in. "If I agree to talk to Ardamil and Legolas, will you two agree to stop talking about it?"
"Agreed."
Rumil finished his work, taking perhaps a little longer than necessary but only because he loved the feel of Haldir's water-laden tresses, heavy and damp in his hands. When he had done, he handed Haldir a towel and a dressing gown of ivory with painstakingly detailed embroidery of golden swans dancing with brown foxes.
"Come, sit by the fire," Rumil said.
Haldir sat down as Orophin held out a glass of orange liquid the consistency of syrup.
"Oliame," Haldir whistled, sounding surprised. "How long have you been holding this out on me, Orophin?"
"Holding out, indeed! I only break it open when it is needed," Orophin replied. "And tonight seemed like the perfect occasion. We only want you to have the best things tonight, to try and lift your spirits. All you have to do is enjoy."
"That is exactly so," Rumil agreed, making his first tentative attempts to run a comb through Haldir's tangles.
Haldir smiled softly. "I am grateful." Then he added, almost as a concession. "It has been a difficult time."
"So relax, and let us take care of you."
The dinner was excellent. The Oliame would have made anything taste good, but in truth, the meal was superb - another masterpiece for Orophin. After dinner, Rumil sang. Whatever Haldir wanted to hear, Rumil obliged. The hour had grown late when Haldir, half asleep already, heard Orophin's voice in his ear.
"We're going now, Haldir."
Haldir opened his eyes and started to sit up, but Orophin stopped him, leaning over from behind and hugging his neck. "Don't get up," he whispered, pressing his cheek to Haldir's, then turning his head to kiss him on the temple.
Haldir reached up and pat Orophin's arm. "Thank you both. This was very good of you."
Orophin kissed him again. "You knew we would take care of you."
"You return now to Legolas?" Haldir asked.
"If he is there," Orophin replied. "He has not stayed in my talan for the last two nights, although I have seen him during the day."
Immediately, Haldir was alert. "Then where has he stayed? In the patrol's talans?"
"I believe he has made friends in Thlayrah's patrol and has been spending time with them," Orophin replied. "This is their week off."
Haldir appeared momentarily stunned by this news. At last, he asked, "Does he desire to go to another patrol?"
"What an idiotic question!" Orophin blurted out, straightening up. "Clearly, you are all in. Get some sleep and we'll talk about it tomorrow. We will come to look in on you in the morning."
Rumil bent down and kissed the top of Haldir's head. "Sleep well, brother." Then he and Orophin left, and Haldir was quite alone.
Legolas had taken up the art of wood carving. Nenstil was very good at it; and when Legolas had shown an interest, Nenstil had begun to teach him the basics. That was three days ago. Legolas a natural talent for it and pursued the activity with vigor. He had spent the last two nights in the talans belonging to Nenstil's patrol, which was under the command of an excellent elf named Nikerym Thlayrah. The Wide Patrol's talans had been, of course, empty. And Legolas had his reasons for vacating Orophin's talan: his first and weakest reason was that he felt he had been imposing upon Orophin's good will and kindness long enough; but the greater reason was that, if he stayed with Orophin, he would surely see Haldir upon the patrol's return, and Legolas wanted the circumstances of that meeting to be within his own control, so that he could prepare himself for whatever might ensue. He had thought a great deal about what he might say, how he might approach his captain, how the scenario could play out. But he had come to no conclusions, no set course of action. Instead, during such thoughtful moments, he had begun work on a block of wood, whittling haphazardly, waiting for the shape to emerge. And it was in this state of occupation that he found himself one evening being addressed unexpectedly by Nikerym Thlayrah.
"I am surprised to see you still here."
Legolas stood up. "I am just working on this a bit."
"Sit, sit," Thlayrah insisted. Then, as Legolas sat, Thlayrah examined the piece of wood in his hands. "What is it?"
"I have not figured that out yet," Legolas replied with a grin.
Thlayrah nodded, then announced with no preliminaries, "The Wide Patrol got back this morning."
"Yes, I had heard."
Thlayrah noticed the tentativeness in Legolas's voice. He pursued amicably. "I thought you would have gone to greet them."
"I will," Legolas said, but he did not sound convinced or determined.
Thlayrah grinned knowingly. "You are afraid of Haldir," he ventured.
Legolas saw no point in denying it. "I fear that he may still be angry," he admitted. "I do not want to see him turn such a harsh eye on me again."
"Yes, Orophin told me he was quite severe with you," Thlayrah said.
"He was, deservedly so," Legolas conceded.
"But you need not fear that he is unforgiving or one to carry a grudge. Haldir does no such thing. He has never been that way," Thlayrah assured him.
"I can not feel quite so confident as you, Nikerym Thlayrah."
Thlayrah regarded Legolas thoughtfully for a moment, and he actually felt pity for him. He reached down and took the piece of wood from Legolas's hands. "I can tell you what this is," he said, inspecting it. "It is a gift for Haldir."
Legolas colored. "I confess I had thought of that, but nothing I could make would ever be worthy of him."
Thlayrah grinned and handed the wood back to him. "That is certainly not true. If it is made with your own hands, coming with the wish of your own heart, then not all the wealth of Moria could compare." A pause. "You are, of course, free to stay in the talans if you wish. But as you know, we go back on duty tomorrow, and next week we take the northern fences for three weeks."
Legolas did not catch the last part of Thlayrah's speech, for his mind had suddenly caught on an idea spurred by Thlayrah's talk of a gift. While Legolas felt certain that his own meager skills could produce nothing that he would dare present to Haldir, he did have in his possession, something that he would be proud to offer. And so, when Thlayrah had finished speaking, Legolas got anxiously to his feet. "You have given me an idea, Nikerym Thlayrah, for which I thank you most gratefully. If you will excuse me, I must return to the Wide Patrol's talans."
Thlayrah's smile widened at the turn of Legolas's countenance. "Tell Haldir that Thlayrah sends his greetings."
Legolas returned the smile brilliantly. "Indeed, I shall!"
Haldir awoke before dawn. His sleep had been peaceful, and now he felt almost desperate to begin the day. He hurriedly threw on a dressing gown and headed for the front room. Here, he took a splinter of flame from the lantern just inside the door and proceeded to one end of the room. He lit two candles on wall mounts, one on either side of a crude stone statue several feet tall. It was a representation of Aluvater, but nondescript in its antiquity. Haldir knelt on the bare floor and began his prayers. He went through them with a fervor that made him tremble. As he prayed, other lights in the room kindled themselves to flame, in rapid succession, one after the other, so powerful and forceful were the prayers being uttered. Haldir had never been left unanswered, if his questions were made in earnest. They were in earnest now. What was he to do? With Legolas? With Ardamil? Was he being stubborn? Was he being unreasonable? Should he approach them? Or was he justified in thinking they should both come to him? He simply did not know what to do. And his brothers-oh! how he loved them-had prodded his conscience, yet not moved him to any action other than prayer.
He lost track of the time in that room, the most holy room in his home. One prayer followed upon another, and then another, and still another, frantic in their petition, glorious in their praise. When a knock came at the door, Haldir was so surprised that he physically startled. He wrenched around and stared at the door as if it were itself a living creature, purposefully hiding that which was on its far side. It could not be Orophin and Rumil, for they never knocked. Ardamil never knocked.
He stood up and went to the door, and opening it, found himself eye-to-eye with Legolas.
"Legolas," he said, his voice barely a breath, thinking that it was nothing short of miraculous that his dilemma appeared ready to solve itself.
"May I come in?" Legolas asked.
"Of course."
As Legolas came inside, Haldir noticed that he carried a wrapped bundle in one hand. Upon entering, Legolas stood still and looked around him in wonder, for the room that had been dark was now illuminated. It was a shrine of sorts, clearly a room whose purpose was worship. And it was magnificent. The entire room was of carved wood and etched, multi-colored glass. There were depictions of the Valar running the length of both of the longer walls. Manwe taming the winds, Ulmo riding upon the waves of the sea, Yavanna tending her gardens. The ceiling was ornately painted with stars and sea creatures, woodland animals and any number of skybirds. At the end opposite the statue of Aluvater, there was a great depiction in colored glass of the formation of Arda. And before it was a stringed instrument the likes of which Legolas had never seen before. And finally, to one side of the statue of Aluvater was a small case of shelves with a thin sheer of finest silk hanging in front. Through the sheer, Legolas could see several objects, though he could not make out their identities.
"It is a beautiful room," Legolas commented. "Do you use it in your devotions?"
Haldir nodded once. "Yes."
"I think you would never want to leave it." He walked the length of the room, looking at the glasses, coming to the stringed instrument on its pedestal. "What is this?"
"An instrument of the Ainur," Haldir replied. "Not one that any of them have ever touched, but one that was made by the first of my line. It was said that when the final music would begin, the harp would pick up the notes."
Legolas looked up at Haldir with questioning eyes. "Do you still believe that?"
"I do," Haldir replied without hesitation. He held out a gesturing arm. "Please come inside," he said, motioning to his living quarters. Legolas complied, but Haldir remained in the sanctuary for a moment longer. He doused all the lights except for the two beside the statue, and then he joined Legolas. "You look like you are recovering well."
The formality of Haldir's manner made Legolas's determination waver for a moment. "Yes, I think everything is almost healed," he replied.
Haldir acknowledged in silence.
A painful moment of quiet followed before Legolas spoke his reason for coming. "I am here to apologize, Haldir. And to ask your forgiveness," he said, and there was no mistaking the genuine sorrow in his voice.
For Haldir it was very simple. "You are forgiven," he replied, but this did not suffice for Legolas.
"I never should have tried that trick," he went on, eyes now downcast. "I wanted so badly to be able to go back to you and tell you how I'd learnt it. I want to be able to do all the things you do."
Haldir felt his insides softening again. Legolas spoke with such earnestness, and he had a way of saying just the right words, so much so that Haldir was beginning to think that the Prince of Mirkwood was turning him to a fair pushover.
"I want you to learn those things, too, Legolas," he replied. "But at the right time and under the right conditions - with a healer present and someone to supervise. You didn't tell any of them what you were planning to do-"
"I told Ardamil-"
"You told him you were doing a mounting maneuver," Haldir interjected. "And he told you not to do it."
Legolas colored.
"He should have tried harder to stop you," Haldir went on, "but he is not solely to blame. You had your part in it-the greater part, I must say. You are impetuous, Legolas." He paused, weighing the course of speech he desired to pursue. He was almost frightened to sound the depths which he had been warned did not exist. "It is difficult to know what you take seriously, or how far your commitment reaches."
Legolas was puzzled, but Haldir continued. "You say you want to learn to do the things I do, but if your reasons for that desire are only transitory and shallow, you shall never have the perseverance to stay with the training when it gets harder."
"I have the perseverance," Legolas insisted. "And my reasons are neither transitory nor shallow."
"What are your reasons?"
Legolas thought for a moment, then answered in a quiet voice. "I want to be like you. I want to have your courage, your goodness, your skill, and your devotion. Is it wrong for me to admire you so? Someone told me they thought I was in awe of you. I had to admit that he was right. But why not? I am not ashamed to tell anyone that I esteem you."
Haldir was dumbstruck into silence. Suddenly, it was impossible to take Ardamil's and Celeborn's warnings to heart.
Legolas broke the peculiar silence by holding out the wrapped parcel. "This is for you."
Haldir took the package. "What is it?"
"It is a gift," Legolas replied. "You must open it to see what it is."
Haldir unwrapped the coarse cloth, revealing a long, narrow vase of polished deep blue stone, carved with intertwining vines and brilliant blossoms of orange and yellow. It was of such workmanship and of rare stone that Haldir easily counted it as the most expensive gift he had ever received.
"This is splendid," he breathed, running his fingers over glossy surface. "Wherever did you find it?"
"It is from the hands of the finest Mirkwood stone artisans," Legolas beamed.
"You brought it with you?" Haldir asked.
Legolas nodded, somewhat self-consciously. The truth was that it was a gift from his father to Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel. It had been sitting in his much forgotten and neglected pack, along with other gifts, since the day he had arrived in Lorien. And even now it was not to make its way into the hands of its intended recipient, but rather into the hands of one chosen by its bearer. In fact, Legolas had selected the finest of the gifts to give to Haldir, and still he had felt it could never match Haldir in splendor. And, as he fully intended to deliver the remaining gifts to the lord and lady, he felt only a very slight twinge of guilt at his diversion of the vase.
If Haldir wondered at the vase's unexpected presentation into his hands, he did not show it, nor did he inquire. Instead, he was an immensely gracious recipient. "This is truly a tremendous gift, Legolas. It will be the finest thing in my home."
"The second finest," Legolas corrected.
Haldir looked up at him, prepared to be puzzled, but then he saw the look on Legolas's face, and he understood his meaning. He actually blushed, which was a rare thing for the Captain of the Wide Patrol.
Legolas began to speak again, slowly, plaintively. "I do not want to be separated from you, Haldir. There is still so much for you to teach me."
"We will not be separated, Legolas," Haldir replied. "Not until you-or your father-desire it."
"Then you will not ask that I be reassigned to another patrol?"
Haldir was amazed that Legolas feared the very thing Haldir had been contemplating; and now Haldir felt guilty for having even considered it. "Of course not," he replied assuredly. "The patrol would be up in arms if I did that." A pause. "And I would not be happy either." He set the vase down and motioned for Legolas to sit. "Orophin told me you had been spending time in Thlayrah's patrol," he remarked, pouring a glass of Oliame, left by Orophin. "I feared it might be your desire to be transferred to another patrol."
"Far from it," Legolas replied. "I was terribly bored sitting around all day, and I did not want to impose any more on Orophin, so I spent a couple days with Thlayrah's patrol, and they were good company."
"Thlayrah is a good captain," Haldir said. "He has been a great help to me on several occasions."
"Yes, I liked him very much."
"And how did you like the rest of the patrol?" Haldir asked.
"I did not meet all of them, but the ones I did meet were a good lot. They aren't a spot on the Wide Patrol, but still they are pleasant elves."
Haldir nodded his agreement.
Legolas was quiet for a few seconds, then in a moment of particular boldness, he asked, "How is Ardamil?"
The question had also been on Haldir's mind. Even though he had spent the last part of the patrol with Ardamil, he had shunned Ardamil's company-not so much out of anger, but out of fear of another disagreement.
"He was well when we parted," Haldir replied.
"Then you are no longer angry at him?"
Haldir drew a deep breath. "Not as angry as I was," he replied. "But you should not worry about my dealings with Ardamil." In the privacy of his own thoughts, he added, 'I am worried enough for both of us.'
Ardamil needed no convincing to go reconcile with Haldir. He knew his captain well enough to know that Haldir would not seek him out to mend damaged fences. That simply was not Haldir's way. It was Haldir's way to be approached, at which, upon the offer of an honest apology, he almost invariably melted like ice. Haldir did not have it in him to hold onto slights and insults; but oddly enough, despite his humility, he also did not have it in him to make the first move. And, in truth, it was not a defiency that he had suffered from; every elf who knew him knew he was forgiving, and they knew his shortcoming, so they had no difficulties approaching him to apologize.
Except for this time. Ardamil, who knew better than anyone else what Haldir's idiosyncracies were, actually felt apprehensive as he neared the top of the rope ladder that would bring him to Haldir's door. He knew he was doing what was right and necessary; only he feared that the problem might not truly be solved, for Ardamil's opinion had not changed: he simply could not bear to be at odds with Haldir. He would keep his misgivings to himself and only speak out if he felt Haldir was in imminent danger of being hurt. Ardamil was hopeful that Haldir might proceed more cautiously now-especially as Ardamil had heard that Legolas had spent some time with Thlayrah's patrol. That alone had to have raised Haldir's level of wariness.
No, Ardamil struggled to convince himself, there was no reason for him to fear seeing Haldir. Besides, he still had a gift to deliver: the cloakpin he had purchased in Amenden. That, at least, he was sure Haldir would appreciate.
He came to the flet, drew in a deep, trembling breath, and knocked. After a few seconds, the door opened and there was Haldir, looking surprised and then anxious.
"Am I disturbing you?" Ardamil asked.
The question pained Haldir. How terrible he must have been if Ardamil had to fear being a disturbance. "No, not at all," he replied. "I am glad to see you."
"I see the candles are burning. I thought you might have been in the midst of your devotions," Ardamil ventured.
Haldir regarded him without speaking. A smile formed on his lips, the awkward sign of the creeping happiness he felt inside. While Legolas's appearance had been an occasion for uncertainty and guarded optimism, Ardamil's arrival was marked by joy and, dare he say it, relief. Haldir knew he should not have been surprised at Ardamil's appearance, for he knew how much Ardamil loved him. He took a step forward and pressed a brief, tender kiss on Ardamil's mouth. Drawing back, he whispered, "All my prayers have been answered this day." He kissed him again. "Do you have the slightest idea how much I love you?"
Ardamil peered into his captain's eyes. There were times when he felt he was looking into the eyes of one of the Valar. He imagined Tulkas, the strongest and greatest warrior of the Valar, the wrestler and the most skilled in acts of prowess. But he saw there also Manwe, closest to the will of Aluvater. And he heard in Haldir's voice, a remnant, far distant yet discernible, of the music of the Ainur. Why shouldn't Haldir's prayers be answered? He was highly favored by the Valar; and although Aluvater was a great mystery, the one thing Ardamil was certain of was that Haldir was covered with the blessings of the One.
And such a remarkable creature-his captain-loved him, a simple lowly elf of no consequence who had been fortunate enough to stumble upon him in the days of his youth, privileged to call him friend.
"Almost as much as I love you," Ardamil replied at last.
Haldir smiled. "I could never exceed your capacity for love. You are a gift, Ardamil, even if I forget it from time to time." He became very serious. "Do not ever let me go."
Ardamil drew Haldir to him, held him as if he wanted to draw him inside, to keep him in a place where he would always be safe, where he could feel Ardamil's love as a constant.
From within, Legolas watched them with fascination. He had never seen such a love between any two creatures as that which he was now witnessing. There was nothing erotic in their togetherness, but there was a sensuous aspect that Legolas wanted very much to experience first-hand. He wanted what Ardamil had-and what Ardamil had was Haldir, only he did not want to come between them. Rather, he wanted whatever piece of Haldir that Ardamil did not have, however small that piece might be. He strained to listen as Ardamil spoke again.
"Do you forgive me?"
"I should be asking you that," Haldir replied.
"I was out of line," Ardamil said, gently easing back. "I can not help worrying about you, but I will not talk out of turn anymore."
"I need you to worry about me, Ardamil," Haldir said. "I need you to love me as only you can."
"How can I refuse you when you say such things?" Ardamil smiled. "How could I refuse you in any way?"
Haldir grinned. "That is the idea." A pause. "Will you come inside? I have another guest."
For the first time, Ardamil looked through the archway and saw Legolas, who was now busily directing his attention elsewhere.
"Yes, I'll come in," Ardamil replied. He and Haldir went inside. Legolas stood up to greet them.
"Ardamil, it's good to see you," Legolas said pleasantly.
"You, as well, Legolas," Ardamil replied. He drew up to him, taking him by the shoulders and pressing his cheek to Legolas's in the same manner as he had greeted Haldir.
Legolas felt a tingle run up his spine at Ardamil's touch, at the extension of such an intimacy to include him. And in some strange way, being so close to Ardamil made him feel closer to Haldir.
As Ardamil drew back, he regarded Legolas thoughtfully. "You look well recovered."
"I am," Legolas replied. "There are only a few bruises left."
Haldir looked on happily. His heart was near bursting with joy at the sight of Legolas and Ardamil together. His prayers had indeed been answered.
"Sit down, both of you," he said, his voice ringing with cheerfulness.
As Ardamil moved to take a seat, he caught sight of something he had not seen before. He picked up the vase from the table. "I have never seen this before," he said. "It is very beautiful."
"Legolas gave it to me just now," Haldir replied.
Ardamil wondered if his face reflected his sudden embarrassment. The vase was exquisite, brilliant, and more wonderful than anything Ardamil could ever afford. The brooch in the folds of his cloak suddenly felt like a trinket. He certainly could not give it to Haldir now; perhaps at some other time when it would not pale by comparison to Legolas's magnificent gift. "It is truly a splendid thing," he said, doing a very good job of hiding his disappointment. He set it back down and sat beside Legolas.
"How was the rest of the patrol after I left?" Legolas asked.
Ardamil deferred to Haldir, who was getting a decanter and glasses. Haldir colored slightly. "It was not the most pleasant of experiences," he replied. "I was not in a good temper."
"That is true," Ardamil grinned.
"So, did the rest of the patrol blame me for your bad temper?" Legolas asked.
"No, no one blamed you," Haldir replied. "After all, it was really my own fault."
"It was not all your fault, Haldir," Ardamil corrected. "I contributed to your foulness."
Haldir turned an affectionate eye on his subaltern. "You were only saying what you thought was best for me."
Legolas knitted his brow. "Oh? And what was that?"
"Nothing that you need to be concerned about, Legolas," Haldir replied, smiling gently. "It is all over, anyway." He looked at Ardamil. "Is that not correct, Ardamil?"
Ardamil could not quite bring himself to agree with this statement, but he smiled and made an ambiguous gesture that could be construed as assent.
They passed the day in amicable companionship. Legolas told them about his days of recuperation and the time he had spent with Thlayrah's patrol, although he did not speak of Nenstil's words of warning. Haldir and Ardamil recounted the patrol's activities during the days of Legolas's absence. Orophin and Rumil came over late in the morning, but seeing Haldir so happily tended, they made some hasty excuses and left their brother to bask in the attentions of Ardamil and Legolas. Haldir made a meal in the afternoon-or rather, he attempted to and, failing miserably, gladly turned the task over to his two guests, who produced a small meal of simple fare.
Legolas discovered his enjoyment of Ardamil's company increasing. For whatever place the subaltern held in Haldir's life, he did not make a show of it. He did not flaunt his favored position in front of Legolas. In fact, he showed every kindness and consideration to Legolas. But that was not all. As Legolas observed Ardamil in action around Haldir, he began to see clearly that there was a certain reciprocity in their relationship. Ardamil had a quiet, unobtrusive way of watching over Haldir nearly every moment; and in return, Haldir gave Ardamil much to watch. Haldir's movements were fluid and graceful, but without affectedness, as if he did not know he were being watched. He was physical in the extreme, but this Legolas had already known. At every turn and opportunity, he touched, brushed against, pat, held. He unwittingly made himself a feast for the senses. His voice resonated, music-like, within the partially enclosed talan. And the aura of light that infused him appeared to shimmer in proportion to his joy, which at the moment was very great.
And all of this was as a treat to Legolas; and if the Mirkwood prince were not deceived, it appeared that it was also a treat to Ardamil, even though he had been privileged to witness it for century upon century.
The day waned into evening and then into night. At last, after singing and a good amount of laughter, Ardamil stood up to leave.
"I must be going back to my own talan," he announced.
"Must you?" Haldir asked, also rising.
"I am in desperate need of sleep," Ardamil replied. "I have not slept well at all for the past ten days or so." A wry smile curled one corner of his mouth. "I can not imagine why."
Haldir returned the grin. "I dare say you shall sleep secure with peace tonight. Faithfulness will be your joy." (this is also from an existing song)
Legolas stood, as well. "I will also take my leave, Haldir."
"I am now to be completely abandoned," Haldir said with feigned injury.
"Not for long, Nikerym," Ardamil replied. "I had hoped that tomorrow we might shoot arrows for sport. And I had hoped that your brothers and Legolas would join us."
It was agreed, and when Ardamil and Legolas left together, Haldir watched after them until they were out of sight in the depths of the wood below. He could hear their chatter and intermittent laughter long into their descent. It was not until it faded that he turned and went back inside. A glint of color caught his eye in the candlelight, and there on the pedestal, before the statue of Aluvater, rested a brooch of gold. He picked it up with a smile. It was beautiful, like its giver.
"Ardamil . . ."
Both Legolas and Ardamil kept the conversation fairly light and meaningless until they reached the steps at the bottom of the rope ladder. At this point, they were both assured of their words going unheard by their captain.
"I was very glad to see you today, Ardamil," Legolas began. "I felt terrible about what had happened, getting you into trouble with Haldir, and then being forced to go back to Caras Galadhon, leaving you to face his ire alone."
"His ire was not so very terrible. It manifested itself in silence," Ardamil replied, then he cocked his head to one side in consideration. "Or perhaps it was terrible. Silence from Haldir is nothing I would ever wish to endure again."
"I am truly very sorry," Legolas apologized. "You told me not to try that maneuver. I should have listened to you."
"Yes, you should have," Ardamil agreed. "But do not think that your accident was to blame for Haldir's anger. The truth is, Legolas, that Haldir and I had exchanged words prior to your accident, and he was already upset with me. He had tried to rally himself that morning, but then the accident happened, and he was ripe for such a reaction."
"Would I be pressing too hard if I inquired what you argued about?" Legolas asked.
Ardamil was silent for a long time. At last, he answered, "You."
"Me?! Why did you argue about me?" Legolas was genuinely surprised by this admission.
Again, Ardamil was slow in replying, choosing his words carefully. "Haldir entertains certain hopes for each member of his patrol. I believed his hopes for you may have been premature."
"Why? What are his hopes for me?"
"I am afraid you must ask him that," Ardamil replied.
"That is not fair, Ardamil. You can not tell me only so much and then withhold the crucial bits and pieces," Legolas protested.
"It is for Haldir to tell you what his desires are." Ardamil paused for a thoughtful moment. "But do you mean to tell me you have no idea what he might be hoping for where you are concerned?"
Legolas looked baffled. "I thought, quite frankly, that Haldir wanted for nothing. What could he possibly hope to obtain from me?"
"Not 'from' you, Legolas; 'for' you," Ardamil said. "He wants something for each of us. And . . . there are times when he wants something from us, but you are already aware of those desires."
Now, Legolas was truly at a loss. "I do not follow your meaning at all."
"Haldir wants our loyalty, our faithfulness. He wants us to be courageous and devoted to him and the patrol," Ardamil explained. "But the things he wants for us are much more subtle. He wants us to be happy, secure, at peace. He wants us all to feel as if we belong to him, and he to us."
"If that is what he desires for me, what makes you think that it would be premature?" Legolas asked.
"Those are not the only things he desires, Legolas. For each of us, individually, Haldir hopes for something specific, something that makes each different from the other. And to be quite honest, there have been very few times-I can count them on one hand-when Haldir's aspirations have not been fulfilled. And when that has happened, he has been hurt-badly. It is his nature to put all of his energy into any endeavor, any hope or dream. And so any resulting failure hits him hard. I believed Haldir was in danger of being hurt again, and I did not want to see that happen."
Legolas looked at him with wide, stunned eyes. "I would never hurt Haldir."
"Not intentionally," Ardamil replied. "But you do not know him so well yet, Legolas. You have learned how to move him; that is easily seen. But you do not know his vulnerabilities. You do not know-you do not know the things that injure him the most."
"And will you not tell me these things, that I may avoid them?" Legolas asked, and he sounded mildly distressed.
"It is not that easy, Legolas," Ardamil replied. "Haldir has his own ideas, and it would not be inaccurate to say that he . . . he almost . . . he unknowingly pushes others to hurt him. He builds up his own expectations of others, and when those expectations are dashed, he has a bad time recovering. That is why he is so guarded. It is why he stays within himself."
"I do not see Haldir that way at all," Legolas said. "I find him to be very outgoing."
"He is outgoing, Legolas," Ardamil agreed. "But I am not talking about his character. I am talking about his being. He does not give himself fully to anyone. He will only give as much as will not expose him to risk."
"But he has given himself to you," Legolas protested. "And to his brothers. I have seen it."
"To his brothers, yes, perhaps," Ardamil admitted. "But not to me-not entirely. He has put his seal on me, and I on him. He has done the same with every member of the patrol. Those upon whom he could not bestow his seal are no longer in the patrol. But not one of us could say that Haldir is completely open to us. He reserves that privilege for one alone, and that is Aluvater."
"What is this 'seal' of which you speak?" Legolas asked.
"It is a bond born out of love and loyalty," Ardamil replied. "It is the thing that makes the Wide Patrol what it is. No other patrol captain does it. Haldir makes it very clear that those in the patrol are commanded to love one another, even unto death. The symbol of that love is the seal, and the seal is signified by a kiss."
Legolas was silent for a moment, then he said, "He has not kissed me."
"I have noticed that," Ardamil said, "And I must admit, it puzzles me. I had felt certain that he would have put his seal on you by now."
"Perhaps he perceives in me the same threat that you do," Legolas said, his voice betraying his feelings of insult mingled with sadness.
"No, I do not think that is it at all," Ardamil replied. "He is quite taken with you, Legolas. If he perceives any threat now, it is only because I put the idea in his head. But I do not believe he perceives any threat. No, he has his own reasons for not bestowing his seal on you. Yet, after today, I can not believe it will be long in coming."
"I am not sure whether to be grateful to you for telling me these things or whether to be angry, for you have put me on alert, as it were," Legolas said. "But I give you my word, Ardamil, before the Valar, that I will do all in my power not to hurt Haldir. I can not even conceive of doing such a thing on purpose. But if you will not tell me what precisely it is that you fear from me, then is it not possible that I will mistakenly bring about the very pain that I wish to prevent?"
"It is not something I wish to tell you," Adramil answered. "And Haldir would not be pleased if I did. I am sorry, Legolas. It is something you will have to find out for yourself. And by the grace of the Valar, it will not be under unpleasant circumstances."
"But you may at least watch out for me, that I do not fall into disfavor," Legolas ventured.
"That I will do," Ardamil replied. "But you must do your part, Legolas. You must watch for the warning signs. Do not let your love for him blind you to the reality of the demands he may make on you. He will do it all out of love, and that love blinds him already-just as it has blinded him in the past."
Legolas drew in a deep breath. "This is all very confusing, I must admit," he began. "But I trust you, Ardamil. And I will submit myself to your advice. I will pay attention to his manner with me, if you help me stay out of the pitfalls. He is very important to me, Ardamil. I do not want to lose him over a misstep."
"I will do my best, Legolas," Ardamil replied.
They had come to an understanding.
It was in the light of this understanding that summer passed into fall and fall into winter. The patrols continued. Into the spring they continued, until Legolas could mark the one-year point of his time in Lorien. These were very good months, filled with cheer and much adventure. They were months that saw the improvement of Legolas's skill in tracking, hand-to-hand combat, tactical planning of small scale engagements. They were months during which his swordsmanship advanced at such a rate that he soon surpassed the skills of a number of elves in the other patrols, and his archery-already well developed when he had arrived-became a subject of envy at which many of Haldir's own elves could not help but marvel. They were months during which Haldir noted with satisfaction all these improvements. In the short space of one year, Legolas had put on a fair amount of muscle-as much as Haldir thought he would ever put on, at any rate. He had acquired a confidence and grace that were the natural accompaniments of the strengthening of his various skills. And he had shown himself a most determined pupil in all respects. It had been an occasion for much celebrating when, under Haldir's watchful eye, he had at last mastered the mounting maneuver that had caused so much earlier trouble. The fiery edge that had marked Legolas's arrival in Lorien was still with him, but it had taken on a cooler flame as he found his place within the patrol and settled in confidence of his own abilities.
And while the months were weighed by the things that transpired, they were also viewed through the lens of the things that did not happen. So, while Legolas continued to learn the ancient language, saying the prayers and participating with Haldir from time to time in this or that ritual, he still had not probed the depths of Haldir's devotion. And while both Legolas and Ardamil watched for any indication that Haldir's expectations were increasing, they discerned no such increase. Even Ardamil's wary mind was lulled into a state of lessening vigilance as the months passed peaceably. He watched as Legolas lured Haldir into a wrestling match at least several times each patrol, and even when the patrol was not on duty. And he was not surprised when Haldir gladly engaged the Mirkwood prince, defeating every time. But he was surprised when week after week, month after month, Haldir did not put his seal on Legolas. And he was even more surprised that Legolas appeared willing, or at least resigned, to accept this state of things.
Legolas, not unexpectedly, had become a very popular elf in Lothlorien. He spent most of his time with the members of the Wide Patrol, but he still found the time to get out and visit with the other patrols, and Thlayrah's patrol was his favorite. He spent a fair amount of time with Nenstil, honing his skills in woodcraft. The first carving to come from his knife had not gone to Haldir, as Thlayrah had contended in the summer previous, but rather had gone to Nenstil as an appreciation for his patience and the sharing of his talent. It had been a carving of Varda - Elbereth, as she is known by the elves of Middle Earth. Even the second carving had not gone to Haldir, but to Ardamil: two dolphins intertwined in the wave. The third had gone to Haldir, and Legolas deemed it his finest work thus far: Tulkas wrestling with Tilion.
Nenstil had never again mentioned his concerns for Legolas with regard to Haldir, although Legolas had prodded, however gently, for more information. Yet, it did come to pass in the spring that Legolas found himself in a troublesome conversation with Nenstil and the other elf who had accompanied him from Mirkwood-an elf by the name of Flagon, who although pleasant enough, sometimes seemed to have a rather derisive manner toward Legolas. After an evening at the fountain, during which both Nenstil and Flagon had noticed the fond affections of Haldir for Legolas, Legolas had headed back to the patrol's talans, overtaking Nenstil and Flagon along the way as they returned to their own talans. Legolas, never one to miss an opportunity, determined not to miss this one.
"I did not hear either of you sing tonight at the fountain," he began, maneuvering to stand in between them, an arm about each of their shoulders. "Yet I know from experience that at least you, Flagon, have great talent."
Flagon smiled but his voice contained a strange element that sounded almost like bitterness. "How was I or anyone else to sing when you Wide Patrollers spent the entire time crooning love songs to one another?"
Legolas burst out laughing. "Crooning love songs?! Is that what it sounded like?"
"That is what it was," Flagon answered. "That is how it has always been in the Wide Patrol."
"I admit that we all like the sound of a good voice, and we enjoy singing . .. but love songs? To one another?" Legolas said with a chuckle.
"You were clearly pouring out your heart to Nikerym Haldir," Flagon said. "And it is not the first time we have seen him forsake his songs of praise to deliver songs of love. You are one of the fortunate few."
"This is strange talk," Legolas said, knitting his brow and losing perhaps a bit of his good humor.
"It is honest talk," Flagon replied curtly, at which Nenstil reached over and placed a hand on his arm.
"Do not make yourself angry, Flagon. Those days are passed," he said in a soothing voice.
But this was all Legolas needed to pursue with vigor. "To what days are you referring?"
Nenstil answered before Flagon could speak. His voice was low and neutral, as if he did not want to fan any flames. "Flagon and I were both once members of the Wide Patrol, not at the same, but both under the command of Haldir."
Flagon continued. "We are more than well acquainted with the attentions that he is showing to you, for we were once the recipients of those very same attentions." A pause. "Attentions that escalated in intensity, and which were gladly returned . . .until the captain grew bored, decided he had had enough. The end result was our . . . expulsion from the good captain's graces and our reassignment into another patrol."
Legolas looked at Flagon with an expression of incredulity. "I can not believe Haldir is capable of such a thing."
"It is hard to believe," Nenstil agreed. "He is very charming, after all. But you have also seen, certainly, that he is a disciplinarian. He demands loyalty and punishes those from whom he does not get it. Our presence was a discomfort to him-"
"I have not seen this in him at all-"
"That is because you are so in love with him that you refuse to see it," Flagon said, sounding now fully bitter. "I speak from experience."
Nenstil reasserted his comforting hand on Flagon's arm, but he directed his words to Legolas. "Haldir is surpassingly handsome, even among elves. He is well aware of his own beauty and the effect that he has on other elves. This is what makes him such an incredible leader. You, yourself, told me, Legolas, that you admired his leadership, the fact that his elves would do anything for him. Consider your own feelings . . . do you not find him attractive? Do you not find him occupying your thoughts a good deal of the time?" He leaned closer. "And is it not true that the reason you are here, attempting to learn more about him is because you are not able to figure him out on your own? You love him, but you are not sure he loves you."
Legolas looked back and forth between the two elves, a kind of horror reflecting in his eyes. "I am not in love with him. That is impossible. My inclinations do not tend in that direction," he stated emphatically. "I am fond of him. He has been very kind to me. I am loyal to him, just as the rest of the patrol is loyal to him-"
"Do you not see what is happening?" Flagon charged. "He is working on you . . . so much that even when he mistreats you, you are willing to defend him."
"Mistreats me?" Legolas was sharp. "What gives you the idea to say such a thing?"
"You strain after him and strain after him," Flagon persisted. "You do everything you can to attract him, but he will not give you what you want."
"You do not know what I want," Legolas retorted.
"It is easily seen in the way you look at him-" Flagon began, but Nenstil cut him off.
"This sort of talk can not do anyone any good," he said. "Flagon, you are still resentful; and Legolas, you do not know all the circumstances of Flagon's resentfulness. Your experiences with Haldir will inform your opinion of him. Nothing more need be said on the matter."
"Leaving you with the last word," Legolas countered, "after you both have spoken ill of him, veiled or direct. But I will not stay to listen to anymore. Haldir has been good to me. It is my own fault if I demand too much of him."
"Too much of him?" Flagon could not keep the ire out of his voice.
"Yes, too much of him," Legolas replied, matching Flagon's tone. "You are right about one thing. He is an excellent captain, and as long as I am in Lorien, I will remain under his command-"
"You are a prince-"
"And he treats me like one!" Legolas retorted.
"He will take everything you have to give; but when you ask of him, you will receive nothing in return," Flagon insisted.
Legolas smirked. "You are already wrong. He has given me more than I could have ever asked for."
"Flagon, come," Nenstil interrupted. "This conversation can not continue. Let us return to the talans." He led Flagon several steps forward, then turned to Legolas. "I am sorry, Legolas. I had hoped to avoid such an encounter; but now that it has happened, I hope you will be on your guard. I admire and esteem Haldir, but I also know, as Flagon does, things that you do not know that have forever colored his image in my eyes. If you continue to love the way you do, you give him the ability to injure you."
Legolas did not reply, but watched them retreat through the settling mists. For many days after this encounter, he experienced simmering anger. He spoke to no one of the conversation and forcibly discounted its veracity in the confines of his own thoughts. He had little difficulty convincing himself of its falsehood, but his anger over what he considered to be near slander on the part of Flagon and, to a lesser degree, Nenstil, did not abate for some time. He stopped going to Thlayrah's talans and met with other members of that patrol only in communal social settings.
And to bolster himself with the assurance of Haldir's affection for him, he spent even more time with him to the point where he would, on a regular basis, pass the entire night in Haldir's talan. He had a place on the rug-covered floor, amidst the pillows and throws, that he had claimed as his own, and there he slept, to awake every morning to partake in the recitation of prayers. He would pass almost the whole day in Haldir's company, of which he never tired. And in the evening, he would join Haldir again in the holy room. It was a life such as he had never known, and which he never wanted to leave.
The more he watched Haldir with the patrol, the more he understood Ardamil's explanation of the bond that held them together. Haldir was, as Nenstil had said, a disciplinarian, but he was also fair and just. The patrol trusted him implicitly, and he returned that trust.
In short, there was nothing missing, nothing wanting. Life in the Wide Patrol-life for Legolas-was perfect.
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