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The Deadliest Sin by Alexa Bond
Story notes: For H though she'll never read it; lov' you! - Warnings: Discussion of religion. Don't like; don't read. Thanks so much to Natalie Richards for great Beta and for being a great friend to me. You've been a wonderful support to me in this hard time and helped me a lot; thank you, my angel *hugs*.
Chapter notes: Series: Comparison piece to "No Shame In Love" - Set during the filming of LOTR.
How can something so wrong feel so right? That question has been haunting me for weeks now yet I still haven't found the answer. I know I shouldn't do this; I know what I do is wrong, but when he wraps his arms around me I feel like I'm in Heaven, yet as soon as his warmth is gone, I'm lost in Hell yet again.
I wish I was stronger; I wish I could stay away, but I can't. Every night I promise myself this will be the last time, this will be the last touch, the last kiss... but it never is and I keep returning. This thing we have... what we do... it tears me apart because I know it's so wrong, so very wrong. I know I'm all wrong now... wrong somehow. That is what I've been taught, what I've always believed was the truth, but back then it was them and not me... always them. What can I do now? Where can I turn?
I never felt anger or hate towards them. I guess I was like most people; as long as I don't have anything at all to do with such people, then I don't mind. But what happens when they become me, when their world suddenly becomes your own? My life has never been turned upside down this completely before and I'm lost, so very lost.
This isn't fair to him, I know it isn't. He's my best friend and a good man. He deserves so much better than me. I hurt him, I know I do. I can't say the words he wants me to say because I can't even bring myself to admit we're even together. In the cover of night I can hide my shame, but in clear daylight I feel how it weighs me down and it makes me feel so helpless.
I only hurt him to hurt myself; I hope I can scare him away, to make him leave now that I don't have the strength to, but so far he hasn't. He's being so Goddamn understanding, so patient... he's breaking my heart and making me feel even worse than I already do.
He has got to know this can't last. I can't let it last. No one can ever know we were more than just friends... no one will ever know. This is my deepest secret and my deadliest sin... what we share is forbidden and oh, so wrong... but it feels so right.
Why did God create temptation this powerful, knowing no man could resist? If this has been a test then surely I've failed it completely. Am I damned now? Damned for my weakness? For what I do and how I feel? Strange... I never was much of a religious man before I went and shagged my best friend. Now I think more about it then I should, it haunts me, mocks me and makes me feel dirty and wrong. I remember my friends and my father... manly men as I thought I was... the jokes we had... the thoughts... oh, God... what did I do? What have I done?
The deadliest sin... I've committed the deadliest sin because I've fallen in love with my best friend and he can never know it. He will never know it. It would ruin both of our lives. When it comes down to it, I guess it's more because <em>I'm</em> not ready to say or do anything about this thing we have... because I can't even bring myself to admit it to myself and least of all the world. Because I feel so wrong, so dirty... because this thing we share is wrong and should be hidden away. Because this should never have happened. Because that is the way things are and the way I was taught it should always be.
But God how come the deadliest sin came to feel so right? I'm a sinner, I've fallen from grace... this I can't deny... but I'll find the strength to end this... somehow I will be strong. I'll walk away, I'll try and make this right... I'll end this thing we share and I'll try and forget... but how can you ever forget the only person who has ever made you whole? How can you ever forget the only nights in your life where you've ever felt alive; truly alive?
How come the deadliest sin feels so much like the greatest pleasure? How come what my mind tells me is so wrong, my heart tells me is just right?
The End
Chapter end notes: This never happened unless I have psychic powers and can change the past, present and future. Any likeness to real characters is all in your mind, nothing more. This is fiction, made up, never happened, not real... you want that in other languages as well? *LOL* I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money off it. Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.
