The Fellowship Of The Gay by Bill the Pony

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Story notes: Apologies and thanks to Cassieclaire.
It was evening in Rivendell, and Elrond perceived that the time was nigh for the Fellowship to take up their quest, and yet his heart was troubled, so he called for Aragorn to come unto him.

"Elessar," he said, "You have a long road and a hard before you, and though it is possible that you will come to ill, yet for my daughter Arwen's sake I would not see you stray. Thus I must warn you of the terrible tempting power of the Ring."

Aragorn gazed over the valley long in thought, and at last he said, "Yea, this power is known to me, for through it was the line of my fathers sundered from the throne of Gondor."

"And yet you do not know the half of it, my son-in-law-to-be," Elrond told him gravely. "For the Ring has subtle influences upon all who are exposed to it, turning their hearts aside from the path of heterosexuality! Look you now upon those who have lingered nearest to it."

And in that moment sight was given to Aragorn son of Arathorn, and he looked and perceived many things. Lo, the hobbits Meriadoc and Peregrin lay upon the green, half-concealed beneath a fir, frolicking indiscreetly with their mended carrot. And again Aragorn looked, and found Frodo and Samwise half buried beneath strawberry-scented soapsuds, and Samwise was learning to play well upon the skin flute.

"This is indeed a grave matter," Aragorn cried with dismay, and he thought him long upon all the remainder of the company. Stern Boromir, with his mighty horn. Comely Legolas, light of laughter and firm of ass. Brave Gimli, waist high and yet undaunted. His oldest friend Gandalf, with his pointy hat!

And in that moment Aragorn made his decision. "No peril will turn me from this quest!" he cried. "Though the road be hard, Elrond, I am up for it!"

"I rather thought you were," Elrond answered him drily, and they departed.
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