Love is the waking dream,
Which all men strive to find.
In the arms of dearest friends,
Will that aspiration bind.
Merry's eyes fluttered open and he glanced down at the ball of Pippin that had crawled its way into his lap. The blissfully peaceful look on Pippin's face made Merry sigh and shake his head. Even when faced with so much danger and hardship Pippin still managed to keep his childlike qualities.
The older Hobbit shifted ever so slightly so as to allow the blood to return to his leg without waking his cousin. The process caused the younger Hobbit to slip even further into the lap he occupied. Pippin's eyes flutter and he grabbed gently onto Merry's vest. Merry held his breath for a moment, wanting his friend to go back to the sleep he greatly needed. His wish was granted when Pippin mumbled something incoherent and then settled back to sleep.
With a wistful smile Merry leaned more comfortably against the tree behind him and began to gently stroke his friend's rather unruly curls. First pushing stray hairs out of his youthful face, then lovingly running his fingers through, taking care to avoid pulling on tangles. Merry knew that Pippin loved it when his hair was being tended to, especially when a certain Brandybuck would take the time to actually pet his hair; it always had a rather soothing affect on him.
'What are we doing here?' Merry silently asked whatever powers were willing to listen. 'We were never supposed to be this far from the Shire. We should never have been forced to be brave, to fight and to kill, to risk our lives for people whose big world cares nothing for that of our small one. I wish we could just go home...'
'Will there even be a home for us to return to?' The question had been plaguing Merry since they left Rivendell. He and Pippin had been ready to head home when the Council was called. Now he wished that he and Pippin had never eavesdropped on that bloody assembly. 'Though I suppose we would have demanded to be brought along anyway, once Frodo told us what was up; now we're in this awful mess.'
Merry glanced across the clearing and watched the Ents swaying to and fro. Treehearders, Shepherds of the Forest, ancient beings that had walked the lands of Middle Earth long before he and Pippin had been born, probably even long before the first Hobbit had settled in the Shire. If they decided to help them...well, it would, at the very least, lift part of the heavy burden he and Pippin had been carrying.
'Even if they do...' Merry looked back down at Pippin. 'We won't be able to go home, not yet, not until the quest has come to completion and the Dark Lord is defeated.' His head rolled back and he began to stare idly at the treetops.
Suddenly Merry felt Pippin's grip tighten, and he looked down to see the sleeping Hobbit's face contorted in fear and pain. He began to mumble in his sleep. "Merry...Merry come back...I'm sorry..."
Merry tried in vain to soothe his frightened friend, "It's ok, Pip, I'm here." He continued to run his fingers through Pippin's hair.
"Merry, please forgive me, please don't die!" Pippin voice grew louder and more terrified; Merry's heart cracked when he saw tears begin to creep their way out of the corners of his cousin's eyes.
"Pippin, hush," Merry soothed as he began to gently rock his cousin; like he used to do when Pippin would have nightmares when he was just a little Hobbit.
"You can't leave me Merry," Pippin pressed his face into Merry's chest as if trying to hide from some great evil. "I...I love you too much..."
Merry's breath caught in his chest and he felt as if his heart had stopped. Pippin had never uttered those words in such a way to him before. That was not the tone of a friendly pledge or a kindred declaration, it was something much more, and it frightened him. Pippin had been his closest friend growing up, the only person who would ever go along with his wild plans and mischievous schemes. Yes, Merry had considered, once or twice, the possibility of him and Pippin being more. He had even experienced a few rather memorable dreams, but they were only just flights of fancy, nothing he'd ever given any credit to...
'Get a grip on yourself, Meriadoc!' He scolded himself. 'It was probably nothing...' all the same he decide he'd better wake Pippin up now, before he let lose any other declarations. He gave Pippin a shake that was neither gentle nor harsh. "Pippin... Peregrin Took, wake up!"
Pippin's eyes sprung open and he blinked several times, slowly taking in his surroundings. He rubbed his eyes, looking very much like he did when he and Merry were still living carefree lives in the Shire. Pippin's face lit up when he realized whose lap he was curled up in.
"Merry!" He cried as he latched onto his friend. "I had the worst nightmare! we were fighting and everyone was dying and you...you...Oh Thank Elbereth it was only a dream! I never want..." Pippin grew silent as he realized that Merry had not returned his hug. He slowly loosed his death grip and looked up into Merry's eyes. "Merry?"
"You talk in your sleep," was all that the older Hobbit said.
Pippin looked perplexed. "Do I? Well, then I suppose you knew what I was dreaming about before I told you. Oh Merry, it was awful, Orcs and Trolls and Uruk-hai and Wraiths and Wights and trees that wanted to swallow us up, I couldn't move Merry I was so afraid, I watched as everyone died and I couldn't do anything, and you, you tried to save me but you were shot down and you were lying at my feet dying and there was nothing I could do, finally I..." Pippin's run on sentence trailed off and the color slowly drained from his face as he realized what he had been saying in his dream, what Merry must have heard.
He looked again at the position he was in on Merry's lap and his pale cheeks quickly turn as pink as calla lilies. He slowly crawled out of Merry's lap and sat with his back up against the tree, his knees tucked up under his chin. 'I wish I were anywhere but here...' he thought to himself. He shut his eyes tightly as if to block out the world. He imagined that he was still at home causing mischief with Merry, that this whole war had never happened, and that he had never experienced the dream that caused him to reveal his most guarded secret; the only secret he had ever kept from his beloved Merry.
Merry sat for a while in quiet contemplation, his fingers idly twirling his unlit pip round and round in an almost hypnotic rhythm. He pondered many things, his carefree childhood, his more mischievous tweens, the flight from the Shire to Bree, time in the underdark of Moria, mourning in Lothlórien, being taken captive by the Uruk-hai; it was all so mixed up. Like someone was trying to paint a picture but was using too many colors and too many brushstrokes and all the lines were running together into one big nonsensical splash of color. Through it all, who had been beside him? Who had been there to make him laugh when he thought he couldn't? Who knew how to get him to feel alive when he felt dead inside?
Pip.
"The road goes ever on and on" he mumbled softly to himself 'and I must follow it through to completion, wherever it may lead me. It's nice to know that Pippin will always be there by my side...' or at least he hoped that Pippin would always be there.
He set his pipe aside then got up and knelt down in front of Pippin's huddled form. Pippin's eyes were still shut up tight and Merry knew that there were probably fresh tears behind those barricades. He put a gentle hand on his friend's knee and spoke very softly "Pip..."
There was no reaction from the other Hobbit, save for the fact that his eyelids fluttered and almost revealed his tear-filled eyes. Merry felt a great pain in his heart for being the cause of those tears.
Merry sighed and then leaned in and gently kissed Pippin's nose. Pippin's eyes shot open at the soft touch of Merry's lips. He looked up at his friend and Merry saw the confusion of a thousand questions written in Pippin's eyes. Merry smiled at him.
"But-!" Pippin began to ask something but was soon cut off when his friend placed a silencing finger over his mouth. When Merry was sure that Pippin would remain silent he removed it and took one of Pippin's hands in his own.
Merry stared for what seemed like hours at their entwined fingers. Pippin's had always been much softer than his own, but even those youthful hands bore the calluses that came with wielding a sword. The war had changed them all, and it still wasn't over yet. Merry desperately hoped that Pippin could hold onto his happiness through to the end, for both their sakes.
Merry began to slowly glide his thumb over Pippin's knuckles. The younger Hobbit felt tiny shivers course through him at the gentle touch. "Where to begin," Merry muttered softly, his eyes never leaving their hands.
"At the beginning, of course," Pippin tried to help, earning himself a light chuckle from his companion.
"I...I think I've known for a long time that what I felt for you went beyond common friendship. Exactly how far I could never figure out, but I always swore to myself that, whatever it was I felt, I wouldn't let it come between our friendship, nor would I let it change how you felt towards me. You were so young and were always so impressionable. I just hope that nothing I ever did caused you to think you had to love me the way you think you do. I just-"
Now it was Merry's turn to be silenced as Pippin leaned in and quickly kissed him on the lips. It was a simple kiss, chaste and brief, yet it left both of them breathless and at a loss for words.
"I'm not really that much younger than you are, Master Meriadoc," Pippin finally broke the silence, a shy grin gracing his features.
"Oh, no?" the sly smile that Merry always wore just before he was about to cause some mischief slowly appeared and Pippin became a tad bit nervous. "Well, then there's no harm in this..." Merry cupped Pippin's face in his hands and slowly drew him near. Their lips met once again but this time the touch was full of desires that had been kept secret and suppressed for many years. Merry skillfully pried Pippin's willing lips apart and their tongues began a slow dance.
Pippin quivered with delight; Merry was a good kisser. He leaned in closer and felt Merry's arms wrap their way around him, one arm was content with remaining draped around his back but the other snaked up and found a nest in his hair. Waves of delight rolled over him and he coiled his own arms around Merry's waist.
The kiss delved deeper as their desire grew but it finally ended when they both needed air. Pippin whimpered softly when they parted and Merry gently laughed. He brought their noses together and stared into Pippin's eyes. "Was that a little like what you dreamt it would be?" he asked softly. Pippin, still breathless, nodded and their noses rubbed together causing a tickling sensation that was not unpleasant.
Merry smiled and, drawing Pippin close to him, leaned back up against the tree, returning them both to their former positions. Merry went back to stroking Pippin's hair and began to hum lightly. Pippin sighed happily and sleepily.
"Sleep now, Pip," Merry soothed. "The road before us is long and you'll need to be well rested for whatever we come to." Merry continued his humming until he thought Pippin was fast asleep and then he shut his eyes; willing himself to get some rest even though he was neither tired nor weak. He had almost drifted off into a pleasant dream when he heard a soft murmur from the Hobbit in his arms.
"I love you, Merry." Pippin said sleepily.
"I love you too, Pip, now get some sleep."
For in the peace of friendship
Love blooms strong and true
Over many perilous nights
Will it shine brightly through.
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Waking Dream by Lynn Cheshire
Story notes: This is set in movie canon, during TTT. Yes, I wrote the poem, it's mine, my own, my
preciousss. This is my first LOTR fic so be gentle, ok?
Many thanks go out to my best friend and beta reader Tai Chick (lady_of_rain_99@yahoo.com). This was truly a labor of love since she doesn't care for LOTR slash. ::gives her cookies and a Legolas plushie::
