Always
Dear Merry,
Please do not worry about me when you discover I am gone. I have decided it would be best for me to stay away from The Shire now. I am not strong enough to stand at your side and watch as you marry her. Forgive me for this cowardice in not telling you face to face but I cannot bear to see you yet. I know that I need not explain why; you know me as well as I know myself. You always have done.
Merry, I cannot pretend to disguise my hurt, nor would I wish to lie to you. I do not reproach you for your actions. I understand them now, even if my heart cannot quite accept them. I beg you to forget the hasty, ill-considered things I said to you two months ago. I was not thinking clearly and I wish I could un-say them. I never aimed to hurt you.
I hope you will be very happy with Estella. I am returning to Gondor and my position in the Tower of Guard. I can never forget the time we spent together. I will treasure it all my life, and I hope you will do the same.
With all my love.
Always your
Pippin
When Merry read the letter he clutched in his hand, his mind returned for the umpteenth time to the day when he had told Pippin of his decision. Merry regretted hurting Pippin but he knew what he had to do. As he stood at his mother's bedside he remembered all too clearly the promise he had made to her a few short hours before her strength had given out. His cousin Estella was a lovely, lively, friendly girl and they got on well. He had promised his mother that he would settle down with a nice girl and Meriadoc Brandybuck always kept his word.
"You always keep your word?" Pippin cried angrily, "What about your promise to me Merry? You said you would always love me! You said nothing could keep us apart! Have you been lying to me these past three years?"
Merry's heart was torn in two by the tears streaming down Pippin's cheeks and the hurt evident in his eyes and posture. He tried to explain again, knowing in his heart of hearts that it was almost certainly futile.
"I never lied about that, Pip. I will always love you."
"How can you say that? How can I ever trust you again? If you love me so much then why are you marrying Estella?"
I have to Pippin." Merry replied sadly.
"You don't have to do anything. We could go away together if you don't want to be seen with me in The Shire. We could go anywhere and we'd be together with no one persecuting us. Please?" Pippin pleaded desperately, looking beseechingly up at Merry with tears fluttering on his eyelashes.
"I cannot."
"I hate you Merry!" Pippin spat vehemently, "I never want to see you again. Never!"
After he had said this he ran out of the room, leaving Merry standing motionless in a deserted room. As he passed the window, Pippin's heart forced him to glance inside for one last look at his Merry. He saw Estella enter and hug him tenderly, talking softly. Merry's reply carried audibly through the open window.
"I will be all right thank you, Estella. I don't know what I'd do without you. I love you. Always."
Pippin fled, his heart breaking and tearing at his chest, his soul crying in anguish. The clear spring day and happy voices of his fellow hobbits mocked his despair, and he too knew what he must do.
Postcards From Gondor
Aragorn and Arwen stood in the elvish manner to greet their guest. As the small figure straightened from his graceful bow, Aragorn stepped down from the dais and clapped Pippin in the shoulder.
"It is very good to see you again, Pippin."
"It is good to see you as well, Strider, and it is always a joy to see the Lady Arwen." Pippin answered with a smile to Arwen that did not quite reach his eyes.
"You must be hungry and fatigued from your ride, Pippin. Come and eat." Arwen said, leading the way into a small antechamber where food was set out on the table.
The three sat and chatted companionably as they ate. Once the meal was ended Aragorn and Pippin pulled out their pipes and tobacco pouches. Arwen smiled indulgently as the pair savoured the taste and aroma of their favourite Southfarthing Leaf.
Lazily Aragorn opened one eye and called out "Come in Legolas, if you wish.", before returning to his relaxed position. Legolas walked in silently and greeted Arwen and Aragorn before turning to Pippin.
"Hello, Master Took." he said cheerfully, "Is Merry not with you? Usually you pair are inseparable."
"Oh, we are not inseparable." Pippin said wryly, "It is just that no one has managed it before."
"And who has managed this miracle?" Legolas asked as he sat next to Arwen.
"Merry's wife, Estella." Pippin replied simply.
"Married? Merry? But I ..." Legolas saw Arwen's glare and changed the end of his sentence to "knew nothing of this! How like Merry."
"Did he send you here to tell us?" Aragorn inquired.
"No, he did not know I was coming." Pippin answered.
"Come, Pippin, you must tell me everything about Estella. What was her wedding dress like?" Arwen asked with wide eyes and a disingenuous air.
"I barely know Estella and I left before the wedding." Pippin replied shortly.
"I see." Arwen murmured quietly as Pippin turned to address her husband.
"I came here to resume my position in the Tower of Guard, if I may." Pippin said, with a semi-defiant air and a haunted expression in his eyes that made him look as if he expected to be turned away. Aragorn noticed this and stored it away to be thought on when he had the leisure. In the mean time he addressed his friend and endeavoured to reassure him.
"Certainly, I would be glad to have your company and service again, but not until tomorrow if you please." Aragorn smiled at him so that Pippin could not mistake his meaning.
"In that case, by your leave I will retire. I am very tired."
"Of course. Goodnight Pippin. It is very good to see you again." Aragorn said. A servant appeared from somewhere and indicated that he would show Pippin to his room.
As he reached the door Arwen said "May Elbereth guide your dreams, Peregrin Took."
Pippin glanced back and saw his friends watching him with concern evident in their eyes. Not wanting to be pitied, but not having the physical or emotional energy to discuss it now, he contented himself with saying "Goodnight" and following the servant out into the corridor.
Aragorn sat at his desk, quill in hand, pondering what he was to do. He found that he was caught in a moral problem and could see no way to resolve it. Absentmindedly he chewed on the end of the quill before noticing the disgusting taste and desisting. He was so immured in his thoughts that he did not notice the elf enter the room.
"You are thinking deep thoughts, my friend." Legolas observed, "You do realise that as a King you should refrain from thinking at all costs and just do as the Lady Arwen instructs."
Aragorn glared at Legolas, finding little humour in his words. "Are you here for a reason Legolas, or do you merely wish to waste my time?" he inquired tersely.
Legolas raised his eyebrows in surprise and felt a little hurt by his friend's manner. Worried though Aragorn was, he had never sounded so displeased to see him before. Legolas realised that trying to lighten Aragorn's mood with humour was very near impossible so he sat in a chair and regarded him soberly for a minute.
"I am sorry Legolas." Aragorn said after the elf had gazed at him for a while, a patient expression on his face, "I am worried and confused today but I should not have taken it out on you. Forgive me?"
"Of course I forgive you. You are my friend and I didn't save your life so many times just to ignore you the minute you snap at me." Legolas smiled at Aragorn before continuing, "Will you tell me what is troubling you or shall I leave?"
"It is the problem of Pippin and Merry that caused me to snap at you, although Legolas, now I think of it, I am fairly sure I saved your life more than a few times too."
A smile crossed Aragorn's face as he jested with his friend and Legolas decided that it was worth being snapped at if he lightened his friend's load and saw his carefree smile again. Legolas firmly closed the door on those thoughts, he and Aragorn had already talked about his feelings for the then Ranger, and the discussion was over. Returning to it would do no one any good and may risk their friendship. Still Legolas could not suppress a small, internal sigh before forcing his mind to what Aragorn was saying.
"I am worried about Pippin." Aragorn began before stopping, unsure how to phrase the next sentence.
"Pippin is in love with Merry who has now married Estella Something-or-other. Therefore he is pining, refuses to eat, tosses and turns at night and is generally making himself ill. It is further complicated by the fact that Merry was in love with Pippin so Pippin feels angry and betrayed. For such a small race they do make big, complex messes of their lives." Legolas summed up for Aragorn.
"Exactly. The problem is that I received a letter from Merry three weeks ago, just after Pippin arrived." Aragorn said.
"What did it say?" Legolas asked curiously.
"He wrote to tell me of his wedding, general Shire news, nothing serious. Well, not until the last paragraph. He wants me to tell him about Pippin, how he is, that sort of thing."
Legolas nodded sagely, understanding his friend's meaning. "He does not want Pippin to know that you are writing letters about him to his lover. He probably thinks that a clean break is best for Pippin, and that he will get over him quicker if he has no news from the Shire."
Aragorn took a minute to untangle Legolas' grammar and think on his implications before replying. "Yes, exactly. It is just that I do not want to lie to Pippin. He is my friend too, and in Gondor he is under my protection. I do not wish him to think that his friends are against him."
"I think that you need to let him know that you are still writing to Merry, if you try to keep something like that secret then it is sure to find its way to Pippin. It is not as if by writing to Merry you are betraying Pippin, and he will eventually realise that." Legolas said thoughtfully.
"Do you think he is happy, Legolas?" Aragorn asked after a few moments silence.
"No." Legolas replied succinctly, before elaborating. "At the moment he is downright miserable, and will continue to be for many months. He does not care how wonderful Gondor is in the spring, nor how lucky he is to be alive and to have such good friends. You need to leave him to wallow in his misery for a while and to remember all the times he spent with Merry in Gondor, then, during his summer leave, I will invite him to Ithilien and he will begin to heal. It takes a long time, Aragorn, and the betrayal that he is suffering cuts deep. It may never fully heal, but he will live through it. Do not worry, he will be well. Only elves die of a broken heart. Men are too prosaic."
Legolas smiled carelessly at Aragorn as he spoke, and the King felt reassured that the elf was not speaking of his own pain.
"Thank you, Legolas." Aragorn said sincerely, "You are a true friend."
Legolas bowed gravely and left Aragorn to his work. He decided that he should find Pippin and they could go for a drink together. Sometimes his conversations with Aragorn left a bittersweet aftertaste in his mouth, and for the sake of his sanity he had decreed that it could not remain there. Yes, Legolas concluded. It was only fitting for the two lovelorn fools of Gondor to go and, if not drown, then at least submerge their sorrows for a while. Trying to appear carefree, something he had become adept at. Legolas walked gracefully down the halls to find his friend.
Fire and Ice
Years passed, as they tend to do, regardless of human pain and suffering, never heeding mortals' needs for time. For Merry and Pippin the years crawled by. For twelve years they counted every minute, waiting for that day when something would happen to change their lives.
Pippin changed from the gregarious, fun-loving hobbit he had once been into a stern captain of the Tower of Guard. He was fair, kind and generally well liked and respected, yet he always kept himself aloof from the other men. Some said that it was because he was Ernil i Pheriannath, but the more observant realised that he carried a great sadness, and had borne it for so long that it had become second nature to him. It was only with Legolas that he felt that he could truly relax and they had very quickly become firm friends.
Merry soon discovered that others saw his life as charmed. He was frequently asked how he had found such ease and contentment. His answers were always unsatisfactory, as Merry could not see why others thought him so lucky. It was true that he had a beautiful wife who loved him and who he had grown to care a great deal for. The birth of his children and watching them grow was his chief source of joy. However, Merry always felt that there was something missing, something only he could see. The one person who he wished he could talk to and tell everything to was Frodo, but he had sailed before his marriage to Estella. Sam did not, almost certainly could not, comprehend his feelings and Merry always felt that he had to be careful what he wrote to Aragorn. There was a risk of letters being read by other people, Merry knew that Pippin was a very curious hobbit. Also, by their very nature, letters are considered and planned so he could not be spontaneous, as he knew that his feelings could change in the time it took the letter to arrive. Because of his caution, Merry felt very much alone.
Every single life has days which help define who we are and who we shall be. Although it took a long time, Pippin and Merry's day came.
The small, subdued group stood on the steps outside Brandy Hall as Merry said goodbye to his father. …owyn stood holding her little sister Esmeralda's hand, named for the grandmother that they had never known. Her twin, Dernhelm, stood off to the left, gazing at the green hillock where they had buried their mother a month before. Even Frodo and Samwise, who with barely a year separating them were notorious mischief-makers, were unnaturally still. Finally their father came towards them as their ponies appeared.
"Papa?" Esmeralda said quietly, "Will Mama be lonely all by herself?"
Merry smiled at her, she looked so much like her mother that it was uncanny. "No, my sweet. Mama is in a much nicer place where she will never be lonely or upset or tired again. Are you ready, Dernhelm?" he inquired as the boy made no move to join them.
"Yes, Papa. Will Dernhelm, the warrior you named me for, be in Gondor?" he asked.
"I do not know. That is a story that will keep us entertained for a long time on our adventure." Merry said with a smile. He knew that his son would see the humour in his name, as well as the history of it. He lifted his children onto their horses and settled Esmeralda safely in front of him. Glancing round one last time he waved to Sam who had come to see them off and looked his last on The Shire.
"Goodbye Merry!" Sam called.
His children waved and shouted farewells, clearly excited in a way they had not been for the last four months of their mother's illness. He smiled at Sam and they rode off on the highway towards Minas Tirith.
Pippin stood unobtrusively beside Aragorn's throne, his body relaxed and at ease but his mind and eyes continually scanning for danger. Consequently, he noticed the group of small figures as soon as they entered the hallway outside the throne room. He stiffened and Aragorn half turned with a questioning look on his face. He forced himself to smile at his friend and to resume his earlier posture.
From his post next to Aragorn he could see all that occurred in the Great Hall. He did not acknowledge Merry's presence as he introduced his children to Aragorn and Arwen, and fully intended to ignore him for the duration of their visit. He assumed that Merry would leave for The Shire eventually, and become the Master of Buckland.
Arwen led the eldest girl by the hand towards the little room where Pippin had eaten his first meal with Aragorn and Arwen twelve years earlier. Aragorn took a few steps past him, talking to Merry, before turning and asking in surprise "Are you not joining us, Pippin?"
"No, sire. A guard does not eat on duty." Pippin gave the formula phrase from the rulebook.
"Do not be ridiculous. Come and eat. We are all old friends and you need not call me 'sire'."
Pippin nodded his acquiescence and followed Merry and Aragorn into the antechamber, his eyes fixed on a spot half a foot above Merry's curly hair.
The meal passed cordially. Merry's children said very little although they had impeccable table manners for such young hobbits. Pippin presumed that this was Estella's influence as, when he and Merry had been their age, table manners were seldom heeded.
Thinking about Estella and his past turned Pippin's stomach to stone, and the food he had been eating turned to lead. His appetite gone, he sat back in his chair and firmly ignored the other hobbits, letting the conversation flow and eddy around him. Aragorn and Arwen noticed his attitude and wisely left him alone, not relishing the idea of an argument over dinner and not wanting to upset the children. Arwen rested her hand on her stomach for a moment, before smiling at Aragorn and returning to her conversation with …owyn.
As soon as it was polite to do so, Pippin excused himself from the table, not wishing to spend more time than he had to around his former lover. Seeing the children, and Merry's pride and delight in them, made his gut clench and brought up memories that he had wanted to bury. He had no idea how he was supposed to get through Merry's sojourn in Gondor. When he had heard of the planned visit he had decided to ignore Merry and see as little of him as possible, but now that Merry had arrived he wanted to scream and yell at him, to do all those things that he had not allowed himself to do for the past twelve years. At least he had an ally in Legolas. He could always escape to Ithilien if it became too difficult.
Over the next few days Pippin found duties that kept him as far away from the Palace and Merry as possible. He volunteered to stand the night watch on the ramparts of the lowest level of Minas Tirith. He took his men out into the surrounding area for extensive weapons training. Paperwork ensured that he was always too busy to dine with Aragorn and his guests. Every thing was going according to plan.
Merry spent his first week in Gondor thinking. His children were rapidly settling in and were being schooled with the other noblemen's children at the Palace. With most of his day freed up from his duties as a father, Merry decided that he needed to find Pippin. His heart had sped up when he saw Pippin in his uniform that first night, and it had broken all over again when he saw Pippin's coldness and the hurt that he had concealed from everyone else. He knew now what he had been missing for the past twelve years. Pippin.
It was not merely his love and support that he had missed, it was knowing that Pippin could not laugh over the absurdities of The Shire with him, he could not share the delight's of his children's birthday parties. "Uncle Pippin" was never a part of their lives and Merry regretted that. He missed the companionship and understanding of their long friendship. He missed Pippin and it was all because he was a coward. He had ruined enough of their lives. It was time to make amends.
That was why he cornered Pippin in the courtyard where the White Tree grew one fine morning when his children were in school.
"You have been avoiding me." Merry said bluntly to the figure he had just seen in the corner. He stepped further into the courtyard and moved closer to Pippin.
"I have." Pippin said, "I also lied to you. I said that I was busy just so that I would not have to see your face. Why are you here?"
"I need to talk to you." Merry said quietly, hurt by Pippin's words but realising that he deserved them.
"Talk then, let us see what you think it will do." the cold reply came.
"I am sorry Pippin. I never meant to hurt you. I was honouring a promise I made to my mother. I wish that I had been braver, more like you. I wish that I had had the courage to defy convention and be with the one person I love."
"Do not say that you love me, Meriadoc. We both know it for a lie. Tell me, was she as good as I was? Did she know how to make you cry out in ecstasy? You paid dear for her, Merry. Was she worth it? She was, when you get down to it, a whore. I hope you enjoyed her."
Nothing showed on Pippin's face as he spoke those insulting words. Merry wanted to change his inscrutable countenance to the lively one that he had once known. He wanted to know that Pippin was feeling something, even if it was only hatred. He was as calm, and dispassionate as a glacier.
"Do not ever say such things about my wife, Peregrin Took. What ever you may thing of me she was not to blame. What I did I did by myself." Merry snapped at Pippin.
"Ah, Merry. Always so brave, the lion defending the ones he loves. You did love her, did you not? Or did you lie to her too?" Pippin laughed coldly, seeing Merry's stricken expression, "Do not think you can play me false. I heard you profess your undying love for her, just minutes after you had given me your assurance that your love for me was steadfast."
"I did love her, and I still do. I am not ashamed of that and there is nothing you can say that will ever make me feel differently. I love her, I respect her and I grieve for her death. She was one of the best people I know and I feel privileged to have been loved by her." Merry blazed.
"If Estella was such a paragon of virtue and if you loved her as you claim then why did you not stay in The Shire? You could have kept a lonely vigil at her graveside, comforted by her children and in the knowledge that yet again you were doing the right thing. You do make a very good martyr, Merry."
Merry had heard more passionate discussions about the weather. For all the emotion in Pippin's voice one could be forgiven for assuming he was reading out his kit list.
"The love I felt for Estella was never like the love that I bear for you. It was a love born of years of intimacy, through mutual respect and affection. It was always very safe and respectable. It was never the raging fire of passionate love that you and I once had. I still love you Pippin and I know that deep down, under that bitter, hard shell, you still love me too."
Merry looked hopefully at Pippin, praying that he was right, yet never truly doubting it. Pippin smiled at him, a smile of love and warmth that touched Merry's heart and gave him hope before he spoke cruelly, destroying Merry's most recent emotions.
"You are wrong Merry. That fire which once burned has been extinguished. You say that I have become bitter and hard. You have made me like this, Meriadoc. You have caused me to become this person and now you try to apologise! The blame for this whole, sorry mess and its effects can be placed in your hands. I never want to see you again. You should not have come here."
Pippin turned to go but Merry ran after him, caught his shoulder and faced him.
"Is there nothing I can do?" he asked, his eyes entreating Pippin's forgiveness. Pippin roughly moved Merry's hand from his shoulder and Merry saw something move in his eyes.
"Leave me alone." Pippin said forcefully, emphasising every word before he stalked out of the courtyard, towards his duties in the palace.
To Reach You
"Pippin, of course I understand. I can see how awkward things have become between you and Merry and it is clearly making you both unhappy. I would not ask you to stay here under those circumstances and I wonder that you have not gone sooner." Aragorn said kindly, before continuing hurriedly, "Not that you are unwelcome here. Indeed, it is quite the opposite. I almost wonder..."
"No," Pippin interrupted, "You cannot ask them to leave. It would be unfair to the little ones and they have no part in their father's deeds. I will gladly take some leave and I shall stay with Legolas in Ithilien. You could post me in Ithilien if I feel I cannot come back."
Aragorn smiled at his friend and nodded, indicating that he had already thought of that. He got up and walked over to the window which overlooked the city. For a moment he remained there, obviously trying to decide something. Finally he turned back to Pippin.
"I do not know what you are going through and I hope that I shall never know. I can imagine a little of what it is like and I hope that one day you will be able to forgive Merry. You will find little rest until you do, that much I do know. There is something that I have been concealing from you and until recently I thought that I was right to do so."
Aragorn moved back to his desk and opened the drawer underneath it. He removed a packet of letters and handed them to Pippin. Pippin stared at them in shock, recognising the handwriting on the uppermost envelope.
"Merry and I have written to each other for a long time, that much I told you but there was more to it than that. I think that if you read the letters then you will understand a little more. I am sorry that I concealed it from you. Perhaps it was beneath me but I did it with the best intentions. I never wanted to hurt you and I truly believed, or at least I wished, that it may help."
Pippin looked at Aragorn and saw the worry and affection in his eyes. He also saw the uncertainty and the fear that he, Pippin, would react badly to this news.
"Whatever you do, or have done, or will do Aragorn, I know that you always do it for the right reasons, with the best intentions at heart. I know that you did not want to hurt me and there is nothing that needs forgiveness as far as I can tell but you may have it if you so desire."
"Thank you Pippin. You are a true friend and a very wise one sometimes. I shall miss you."
"I will miss you too Aragorn. Farewell."
Pippin hugged his friend and left contemplating the letters he still held in his hand. He was not sure that he wanted to read them just yet. He stuck them in the pocket of his coat, resolved to read them once he reached Ithilien. He would have leisure to think about them there.
After a few more corridors he reached the stables where his pony was saddled and waiting, as was Legolas. As he rode away, he never noticed the small figure who watched his progress until he was out of sight.
…owyn dressed with special care that night. Although only eleven she enjoyed her pretty dresses, when they did not get in the way of more important things like playing, and knew that it was a momentous occasion because she was finally going to meet the great lady that she, and apparently Dernhelm, had been named for.
Merry grinned as he watched his daughter carefully curtsey to the mirror, trying not to wobble over. She twirled around the room, dancing with her favourite doll; her carefully arranged curls becoming mussed as she spun too much.
"My lady. May I have the honour of escorting you to dinner?" Merry asked, smiling at his daughter.
"Why certainly, Papa." …owyn answered as he led her down the hall. In her excitement she totally forgot what she had intended to tell her father. Instead she looked forward to the party. Queen Arwen had said that it was not a ball but even a simple dinner party was very grand indeed for an eleven-year-old hobbit.
"And how was Sam when you left him?" Faramir inquired of Merry at some point towards the end of the meal.
"He was fine, very much enjoying being mayor, I believe." Merry responded and the talk turned to Shire matters.
Noticing that her namesake was feeling a little left out of this adult conversation, …owyn turned to her and smilingly asked how she was enjoying her school.
"I like drawing and horse riding, my lady." …owyn answered simply.
"And what about your numbers and history? I never much cared for them myself but I hope you are different."
"They are fun too, but I much preferred what we did at our midday break."
"What did you do, play a game?" …owyn enquired.
"We played hide-and-go-seek. We play it at home too, but it is much more fun here as there are so many different places to hide. Firstly I hid in the cupboard where we keep our cloaks but Dernhelm found me too quickly, so next time I went out to the stables and hid in the bushes behind them. They are very thick bushes and no one found me for a long time so I saw lots of interesting things." …owyn chattered merrily. Suddenly she paused and turned to her father.
"Papa, you will never guess what I saw whilst I was playing during break today." she proclaimed.
"No, I do not think I shall. What did you see, my dear?"
"I saw Mister Pippin and Mister Legolas ride away on the most beautiful horses that I have ever seen." she declared to the table at large.
"Pippin's gone?" Merry gasped, "When did he leave, Aragorn?"
"Earlier today. I am sorry Merry. I could not find you to tell you, although I did try."
…owyn saw her friend's shock and turned the talk back to horses, trying to involve Dernhelm and the little …owyn. The two hobbit children nattered quite happily, leaving Merry time to recover his composure and to return to his discussion with Faramir, though he found it difficult to concentrate on politics when his mind was racing. He decided that he needed to talk with Aragorn about this, but that it would have to wait.
Tales From Long Ago
Legolas looked at the packet of letters that Pippin had thrust into his hand so anxiously two hours before. They seemed so innocuous on the surface but once he had read them he could see why Pippin was having such doubts about the wisdom of his choices. Perhaps it was a good thing, if it eventually caused happiness, but at this point in time Legolas knew that Pippin needed a friend to talk to.
Pippin was sat in front of the fire in the back sitting room. He had always loved this room; it was comforting and it felt like home. Right now though, it just made him feel more and more confused. He sighed deeply and stared into the depths of the mug he was clutching.
"Does it make things seem any clearer?" Legolas asked, gesturing to the pint mug with his own as he entered the room.
"Not really. It numbs the pain a little."
"Really?" Legolas eyed his mug dubiously and took a hefty swallow, "It does not seem to help me."
"I guess that means you have no pain that needs numbing." Pippin answered absentmindedly.
"Quite the contrary, I assure you. I know only too well what you are feeling and I hope that your ending will be happier than mine."
Pippin looked at his friend in surprise. "I thought that you only regretted that you would have to leave Middle Earth, hand it over to the race of men. I thought that it was generalised, a sadness like Elrond's or the lady Galadriel's."
"No, it is most specific."
"Aragorn." Pippin stated, as his mind realised what his eyes had been seeing over the past twelve years.
Legolas smiled bleakly and stared at his mug in a manner reminiscent of Pippin's earlier pose.
"Is it truly hopeless?" Pippin asked.
"It is, we talked about this long ago and he made it quite clear that he loves me as a brother, no more. We have daily proof of that."
"But when? I mean..."
"I know what you mean Pippin and we knew each other before the Fellowship came together." Legolas said half wistfully, remembering days which were long gone.
"I do not think that anyone suspects. You have hidden it very well."
"Long years of practice, Pippin. I think that Arwen knows, she has probably guessed for I know that Aragorn would not speak of it to her. He can be a little over-protective. It was my secret."
"I will not tell a soul." Pippin replied. The pair were silent for a while before a thought struck Pippin. "Why have you not sailed, why do you stay here when it must be torturous?"
"I could not leave. I have asked myself this so many times but in the end I love him too much. I need to be with him, to know that he does care about me, even though it is never enough. I cannot leave, I need him too much and for as long as I can be useful to him then I will stay. When I hurt him, then I will leave. Yes, Pippin, it is torturous but then I always knew that it would be hard. You are very lucky."
"Lucky? I am lucky? Forgive me, Legolas, but I do not see how."
"You love Merry and you can be loved by him in return. It is obvious from his letters that he still loves you." Legolas raised his hand to prevent the interruption he could see bubbling from Pippin's lips, "I know that he has hurt you but you must move past it. If you do not forgive him your hatred will fester in your heart, it will consume you from the inside out. You will become almost wraith-like. I know this Pippin. You are truly blessed. If you go back to him, if you go and talk to him, you will get your happy ending."
"But what if he hates me? Oh, Legolas, I was so awful to him. I said some truly terrible things and I meant every word!"
"You will need to apologise then. Tell me, why did you say those things?"
"I do not...yes, I do know. I wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt me. It did not work though, I felt so horrible when I said them and I feel terrible about it now."
"Then you must go. You have no choice, unless you want to know how I suffer knowing that what I desire and long for is unobtainable. Yet it would be worse for you, my friend, for you will live with the knowledge that if you had been brave enough to take that chance you could be unimaginably happy, instead of existing with no feelings, as if you are not truly living." Legolas told him, his eyes filled with years of anguish.
"I will go. Thank you, Legolas." Pippin hurried to the door before pausing to look back at the elf, "Will you be all right here?"
"Yes, Pippin. I have my friends, and the elven community that lives here. Good luck."
As the door swung shut behind the little hobbit, Legolas stared into the fire, tears streaming unheeded down his cheeks.
"May you have your happy ending, Pippin. Elbereth, let one of us be happy." he whispered as his slender frame shook from the force of his sobbing. "Let him be happy."
Guilt
"Merry, of course I understand." Aragorn protested, before realising that he was feeling a great sense of déjà vu and foreboding. "Are you sure that this is what you want to do?" he asked in concern.
"I have made up my mind Aragorn. I will not force Pippin away from Minas Tirith. I should not have come here. I was foolish to hope." Merry said bleakly.
Aragorn regarded him firmly and Merry coloured a little. "You are not foolish to hope, Merry. Despair is for those who know that all is lost. You never know, you may not regret your decision to come here. Besides, I think that you and the children needed to leave The Shire, at least for a while."
"Yes, you are right of course. I can stay no longer though." Merry responded.
"Not even for your children?" Aragorn asked shrewdly, not quite understanding his motivations for wanting Merry to stay, but he felt that it was not over yet and in his long years as a Ranger he had learned to heed his gut reactions to situations.
"Aragorn, it is unfair to bring them into this. It is not their problem." Merry warned, his paternal instincts coming to the fore.
"Yet your actions directly affect them." Aragorn insisted. Noticing Merry's hesitation he pressed his point. "They are happy here and have settled in to their schooling. They are making friends and I know that …owyn is enjoying her namesake's company. You can see how happy she is. Will you not wait a little while longer?"
Merry thought for a moment before he answered. "Very well, Aragorn. I will stay until …owyn and Faramir leaves. I think that is fair."
Aragorn smiled affectionately at Merry, making a mental note to ask Faramir to delay his return to Ithilien by a few days. Merry exited soon after he agreed to stay, leaving Aragorn to hope that Pippin would change his mind. It was obvious how unhappy the two hobbits were but they were also very stubborn and strong willed. He hoped that it would turn out well.
Pippin's pony walked tiredly through the streets of Minas Tirith. He had ridden hard all that day and had stopped for few rests as he hurried to the seventh circle. During the journey he had rehearsed what he would say to Merry and as he entered the stable he muttered the phrases quietly to himself again.
The stable hand removed his pony's tack as Pippin slid from his perch atop her. He patted her on the neck gently and asked urgently. "Where is the other Pheriannath?"
"He was in the courtyard of the fountain when I saw him last, captain." The lad replied helpfully.
Pippin did not stop to thank him but hurried off to find Merry. As he entered the courtyard he realised that their last conversation had also taken place here. He saw Merry sitting on a bench under a tree, reading a book. He walked up to him slowly and stood in front of him.
"Merry." he said hesitantly.
Merry had not known that Pippin was in the garden until his shadow fell across the page he was reading. He glanced up at Pippin as he spoke softly.
"Hello, Pippin." he replied, wondering why his old friend was here. He smiled hopefully up at him.
Pippin saw the shy smile creep across Merry's face and his heart twisted as he thought of the years that he had missed out on that wonderful sight. He opened his mouth to say his opening sentence and found that his throat had dried up. He coughed to clear it and tried again.
"May I sit down?" Pippin asked. Merry obligingly shuffled across a little so that Pippin had more space. Pippin tried again to say his rehearsed phrase but found that he could not remember any of them.
"Fool of a Took!" he heard Gandalf's voice in his mind. He did not realise that he had smiled at the memory until Merry asked
"What are you smiling at?"
"I was thinking of something that Gandalf said in Moria. He was right." Pippin answered. He took a deep breath and found that words could come to his lips.
"I had a speech all prepared and I've forgotten it now. I called myself a fool of a Took and that is what I am. I'm sorry Merry. I had no right saying all those things about Estella, it was uncalled for and utterly horrible. I guess that I was just jealous of the years she got to spend with you, which I felt that I could not stay to see. I stupidly let my anger overrule my heart." Pippin glanced at Merry, hoping that he would say something to help, to give him any clue about what he was feeling.
Merry looked up with tears shining in his eyes. "I never meant to hurt you Pip, I am so sorry that I did. I hurt myself too, you see, because I hurt when you hurt. I'm the fool."
Pippin gently put his hand over Merry's mouth to stop the torrent of words. "Merry, this is my apology. You have already apologised to me enough, but I let my pride get in the way. You made me see that."
"How?" Merry mumbled around Pippin's hand. Pippin removed his hand as Merry's words made the tickling of his breath unbearable.
"Your letters to Aragorn. He gave them to me and I finally realised that I was being an idiot. I'm so sorry, Merry. I know that we can't have these last twelve years back and I don't think that you would want to change it. I do not think you should change it. You have four wonderful children Merry, and I am sure you know how blessed you are. I am sorry that I wasted time by being awful to you."
Pippin's speech was cut off as Merry placed his finger on Pippin's lips. "I forgive you and you forgive me. You do not ever need to apologise for it again. I want to move past it. Did you have anything left in your speech or may I say something?" Merry said firmly, gazing at Pippin.
"I love you." Pippin whispered finally, his eyes never leaving Merry.
"I love you too. I always have done and I always will."
Pippin kissed the finger that Merry still held to his lips before he leaned in towards Merry and kissed him properly. Merry's arms snaked around Pippin to hold him closer. After a while they broke this kiss and sat there, their arms wrapped securely around the other as if they would never let go.
"Do you know what this feels like?" one of them murmured as their lips met again.
"Returning home, just like always." the other replied.
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