I had a life once. It wasn't much of one, but still a live and still mine.
That life revolved around you every minute of everyday. There never seemed to be an end to the love I felt for you. There still isn't. Even now I have yet to stop loving you. Not for lack of trying though.
Loving you, Sam, was wrong. I don't regret it, never will, but I wish I could go back and rethink a few things about the situation. Especially now.
I loved you from the start, there's no use denying it. I'd never met anyone so in love with life. It always showed in your eyes. Those expressive eyes that changed like the seasons depending on your emotions. I've seen them practically glow emerald green with happiness and laughter, brown with sorrow, and almost black with rage.
Yet whenever those eyes settled on me, they were a storm of green and brown. They sparkled brightly with trust and love, but not the sort of love I craved. Never did I see that kind of love directed at me. You only have eyes for Rosie.
When we were on the quest to destroy the Ring, I was selfish in the thought that at least I would get more attention from you than Rosie would for a time. Don't misunderstand me though. I hated that you had to accompany me on that wretched journey despite the fact that the Quest itself would not have been fulfilled if not for you.
Eventually we came home to the Shire and I was the only one that remained bruised and broken. Things were never the same - I was never the same - yet my love for you never strayed.
I cried the day you announced excitedly that you and Rosie were betrothed though you never knew. I dreaded the coming spring more than you can imagine, but Father save me if I didn't smile and dance at your wedding. I even allowed you both to live in Bag End and start a family, but not even the Lady Arwen's jewel could save me from the misery I felt inside. I knew shortly after Elanor was born what I had to do.
I set about making the final arrangements, leaving everything to you. The night before the actual day I was to carry out my plan was the night I said goodbye to you, the Shire, and everything I held dear.
I awoke well before dawn, having hardly slept at all, and walked quietly into your bedroom to look at you.
You looked so beautiful, Sam, that I wanted to cry. And I did. The tears symbolized all the pain and sorrow I felt yet there was also the love I felt for you.
I knew my plan would only cause you pain and I hated myself for it, but that only gave me even more reason to continue on. You have your own life now. One that is much more splendid than mine could ever be.
I want you to live, Sam. Live for Rosie and Baby Elanor. You'll be blessed with more children, I can feel it, and I know you'll love them unconditionally. Just as they deserve.
I can hear you moving around in the smial now so I'll just end it here and we can be on our way.
My task is complete now, Sam. Please forgive me, but know that I will always love you.
Tears coursed slowly down Sam's cheeks as he finished reading the letter.
He'd risen that morning with the intent of accompanying Frodo to Rivendell so they could see Bilbo for his birthday.
The trip started out smoothly enough, but when they came across Gandalf along with Bilbo, Lord Elrond, Lord Celeborn, and Lady Galadriel, he knew suddenly just what his master planned.
Sam knew he couldn't change his master's mind and a deep sadness had settled over him. One not unlike the sadness he felt watching Frodo struggle with the burden of the One Ring during the Quest.
Saying farewell to Frodo was the hardest thing he'd ever done. He'd held his beloved master close, wishing he didn't have to let go. Frodo seemed just as reluctant to end their embrace and when they pulled away from each other, there were tears in their eyes.
Sam had been surprised when Frodo thrust an envelope in his hand, kissed his cheek softly, and dashed onto the boat with Gandalf and the others.
Even as the boat vanished into the sea, Sam's eyes never left the spot where Frodo had been. What seemed like hours passed when he finally remembered the envelope.
He opened it carefully and pulled out a piece of parchment with Frodo's flowing script stretching all across the page.
After reading it, the tears came even harder. All this time and he'd never known. "Oh, Frodo me dear, why didn't you tell me? Why in Elbereth's name didn't you say anything?"
But he already knew why Frodo hadn't said anything. It was the very same reason why he himself hadn't said anything. Frodo thought his love for Sam was unrequited just as Sam had believed his love for Frodo was.
His voice was choked with sobs as he whispered hoarsely, "I love you too, Frodo, I always have. I'm so sorry." Then he leaned over and gently kissed the letter, another sob escaping him. "You went where I can't follow, Frodo. I can't follow you. Wait for me, my love. We'll be together again, I promise...but not yet."
He'd made a promise and Samwise Gamgee always kept his promises. Especially when they involved Frodo Baggins.
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