Have you ever kissed a male elf?
I haven't either, but there are some nights I can't help but imagine what it would be like. Not any elf, but Legolas. Just Legolas.
It is strange to think back and realize that I have known him for so long. He has always been there, a fair silhouette at the edge of my vision, when my mind was still occupied with other matters. Always a creature of grace, of light, of life.
I knew his desire to prove himself, even before I got to know him. There was something about his stature and his attitude that suggested that he would not let you overlook him. That he would show the world what he was made of and would succeed in all his doings.
It was not merely the natural pride of his race. There was something more to it, something I could not quite grasp, but that made him just that little more.
Even later, when he became my friend, I never fully understood what it was. He stood at my side when the days darkened and the dread seemed to become unbearable.
Though of different backgrounds, we were very much alike in many respects. Soon my utter surprise that a ranger could be anything close to an elf, began to fade and I just wondered that Aragorn could be anything close to Legolas.
We almost needed each other those days.
I don't know when I first started dreaming about him. I would recall the casual gestures of friendship we had interchanged during the day and make so much more of it.
A shoulder squeeze of comfort in my imagination became a lover's touch before finally giving way to a unique kiss.
I was caught in this world. The dreams came and consumed me, leaving me useless for real life. I had those dreams and suddenly the secure borders of friendship were fading.
What was left was utter confusion, which grew with time to the realization that I had desperately fallen in love with Legolas. Desperately, because I felt then that he did not return my feelings in the same way.
I sit just outside the camp in silence and solitude, which I have grown used to. I like it, because it helps me to order my thoughts.
Not that I think of anything new. Revolutionary solutions are strange to my mind these days. It almost makes me laugh, when I think of past times and my skill to manoeuvre me out of every impossible situation then. But unrequited love is something that never belonged there.
It is also easier than to bear his presence. The mix of yearning and desperation lets me make a stumbling and stuttering fool out of myself. He does love Haldir and they will be together after the end of things.
I should finally accept it.
I wink, for a moment not paying attention. Rangers do not cry, I have been taught. And I don't want to. I won't.
I wink again.
Suddenly he is there, right in front of me like so many times before, a slight smile playing on his lips.
I stir caught by surprised, and open my mouth to greet him, but he moves his finger to his lips.
Astonished I raise my eyebrows.
"Shush, Estel, don't talk."
He moves closer and I get to my feet attempting a non-committal gesture, but at the feeling of physical contact my body betrays me.
My arm outstretched for slap on the shoulder, falls down uselessly as I realise his hand already is on mine, squeezing it gently.
We are eye to eye now, our gazes locked.
Having imagined this so often, it is hard for me to believe it to be real now. Is it different from my dreams? Where does reality even begin? His eyes are of such an incredible colour. They remind me of the clear summer sky or of the stormy sea all at once. I want to drown in them, never look away.
The moment consists of just him and me. Time lengthens and seems to stretch into eternity, just like a drop of honey, unwilling to bend, unwilling to break, refusing to fall.
What will come?
But just as I think time to be ending, I see him close his eyes. I gasp, my breath shallow and unsteady, knowing what will come and utterly scared to spoil all my dreams by an act of stupidity.
I try to get a grip on myself, prevent my hands from sweating and my mouth from swallowing nervously.
Just seconds until elvish perfection inevitably must meet human clumsiness.
It happens all the same.
"Why, Aragorn?"
His question has caught me off guard. I should have known he would come and not just let me retreat. We are friends after all.
"What do you mean."
"You know, what I mean. Don't think me not to notice at all. I have known you for a long time and we were always able to talk. But now you flee my presence. At the same time I notice you watching me, when you think I look away."
Realizing that he must have noticed my half hidden gazes does not make it easier. "I really don't think this has any..."
"No, hear me out. I am your friend, so I have the right to know."
"To know what?" Hopefully he will not ask.
Legolas pauses for a moment, as if reconsidering. He seems nervous. "Let me ask you three questions and you will know. First, do you think ..."
I swallow hard. "Yes?"
"Oh hell, just sod it."
"What?"
In a rush he lets it out. "Estel, are you in love with me?"
He holds my gaze, as I catch my breath. He knows after all. Of course he does, he is an elf. And I am so obvious.
What should I say? Deny it, lie?
I am silent as he looks at me inquiringly.
But it has gone on for so long. And maybe, just maybe, there is a reason that he will find out. Maybe he wants...
I am still silent.
"Aragorn? I am sorry, I should not have..."
Life is a game, so I will gamble.
"Yes."
That was a few months ago. My confession has not made it easier. He knows and we are able to deal with it in a way. We are still friends, whatever that means. He did not push me away.
But the worst thing I found out only later. It was a glimpse of hope that threw me into deeper despair at the same time.
Estel,
Maybe I should not write this for I fear it will make things worse. But your despair troubles me deeply and during the last weeks I have come to terms with my life. You know how much I am committed to Haldir and I would never leave him. I have said so many times. But, it is also true, that I feel something for you. It scares me, for it is against all my plans, but nevertheless it is there.
You have told me of your dreams. To be honest, mine are not far from that.
But I cannot yield.
Legolas
Kissing Legolas. It is just what I imagined it to be.
A flutter of eyelashes against my cheek and he holds me in his arms. Velvet lips against mine, just for a second a slight, tender brush, then he pulls away. I gasp, but he merely smiles and looks at me intensely. A gaze that could change the world. It is a question and suddenly it is left to me to make the next move.
I want to say something to make him see. I want to explain and make him want it as much as I do. Words are my battlefield after all. But maybe I need not for he does feel the same.
The space between us, just inches, seems eternal. It is up to me. Move, Estel!
Screw the words, I think, and finally I kiss him.
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