4-Second Screentime by Anime Craze

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Story notes: There is an existing fan site for Figwit called "Figwit Lives". Rumil even has his own page...just look him up on Google and you'll find it. Hope you enjoy my sarcasm.
After three seconds of showing off his beauty, Figwit elegantly rose from his seat to argue with an air of sexiness for an another second of screentime. When he sat back down with the realization that he was not getting anymore screen time since that furry little hobbit was hogging it all, acting all suck up for the Lord of Imladris, Elrond.

Bet that blue eyed creature likes MY Elrond. Damn him for being a cute little hobbit! He gets so much attention around here. Figwit mused as he inched away from the odor of blood that stained Aragorn who was sitting on his left. He could not understand how Arwen could stand him with that odor. Maybe because she's a stupid bitch anyways.

Then he heard Boromir's, whom he despised above all, voice rise. Figwit bowed his head in disgust as Boromir whined about not with ten-thousand men they could deliver the One Ring to Mordor and how it was folly. Folly schmolly...that's what the Elves said about the ultimate ring of power being created...and lookie here, the furry creature is about to destroy it! Everyone's stupid. Thank god I'm not stupid. But why can't I be a major character? Instead of being an extra elf to partake in the Council of Elrond? And I spent four hours doing my hair for nothing! Figwit went back to musing, playing with the ends of his braids.

"You have my sword." Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Isildur's Heir, Estel, Elessar, etc, etc, said as he crouched in front of the "furry creature" Frodo. Figwit was only thankful that the odor was not near him anymore.

"And you have my bow." Legolas Greenleaf, son of Thranduil, Prince of Mirkwood, announced, following Aragorn. Great. Prince Pretty Elf-Boi decides to be a daddy's good little boy by going on a quest to save Middle-Earth. How dare he to take MY fanbase? Damn him and his BLONDE hair. He rarely speaks and hardly has a personality, while I'm drop-dead gorgeous and can make a girl's heart throb at the MERE sight of me. If the Quest doesn't kill him, I will. Figwit rolled his eyes at the so-called "Prince Pretty Elf-Boi".

"And you have my axe!" Gimli, son of Gloin, cousin of Balin king of Moria, stood waving the axe he stole from his father. Figwit could only groan at his comment. He despised Dwarves as much as he despised Boromir.

"If the Council wishes it, then Gondor will see it done." Figwit restrained himself from shrieking at the awful sound of Boromir's voice. How can that vile creature of a human join the Quest? That wimp will be killed in no time.

"You need people of intelligence for this sort of mission...quest...THING." Pippin Took from Tuckborough, the Shire, chimed in. OH GOD! Not more furry creatures! What a disaster this Quest is going to be... Figwit held back a snicker and thought: What KIND of intelligence, if he has any?

With Elrond's announcement of the Fellowship of the Ring, all the members of the Council rose and departed. Figwit sighed an exasperated sigh. It was loud enough for Elrond to notice it. "Figwit..." he began.

"Yes, my lord?" Figwit sighed again.

"Maybe you should follow the Fellowship to Lothlórien where you can deliver this message to my wife, Celebrian."

"Yes, my lord..." Figwit grumbled at the thought of going over Mount Caradhras and facing the long dark of Moria. Who knows what they may encounter, Figwit thought.

The Fellowship left and marched over the Mountain Pass of Caradhras and faced the long dark of Moria, just as Figwit predicted. He hated the snow atop Caradhras and the Balrog in Moria scared the shit out of him. He didn't weep for Gandalf, though because the only thing he cared about was the split end he found in the beautiful brown hair of his. Remaining hidden, he stared at Elrond's envelope. Then he opened it. It was a blank piece of paper.

"Damnit! I've been tricked! Elrond doesn't like me after all."

The Fellowship got ready to go to Lothlórien where Gimli just HAD to snort out "I have the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox." Figwit tried not to snicker, but couldn't control it anymore after hearing the cute elf say "The dwarf breathes so loudly that we could have shot him in the dark." A feminine-looking blonde elf on the right side of Haldir looked up the tree after posing for his four second screentime. The mysterious pretty elf spotted Figwit hiding in the tree.

"Hello there, handsome." the mysterious elf.

"Hi." Figwit answered quietly, taken aback by the beauty of this elf.

After the company went on ahead, the mysterious elf stayed behind to wait for Figwit to come out of his hiding place. He came eye-to-eye with the beautiful blonde.

"What's your name, cutie?" Figwit asked in his alluring voice.

"Rumil" Rumil replied in a husky voice. "What's yours?"

"Figwit" Figwit whispered.

"Ah...nice to meet you, Figwit..." Rumil said in his ear.

They walked together, following everyone but remaining isolated and hidden at the same time. "Doesn't it suck that I get only four seconds of screen time and don't even get to be mentioned in the credits!" Rumil complained. "I mean, I'm sexy aren't I? I'm so beautiful, even more beautiful than that idiotic personality-less BLONDE Legolas. I even have a fansite dedicated to ME."

"Oh praise Valar, you and I have the same mind!" Figwit answered gleefully. "I recieved only four seconds of screentime also at the stupid Council of Elrond. But at least my name is mentioned in the credits. Why can't I have a large fanbase? I even have my own domain, damnit!"

"Ah. I assume we are in the same situation then."

"Yes we are."

Before they knew it, they were in love.

This is like being in love with a mirror image of myself Figwit thought as he ate silently, sitting across from Rumil in the tree Rumil owned.

This is like being in love with a mirror image of myself Rumil thought as he nibbled on his food, staring at Figwit's irresistable braids.

They finished their dinner without saying a word to each other. "Good thing we didn't have to see Galadriel. She would have found out right away about our infatuation with each other" Rumil commented.

"Galadriel, the scary Lady of the Golden Wood, can read minds?"

"Yes, she can. You should see her under the Ring's influence! Man, she can get really high on a silly ring..."

"I can only imagine."

"Yeah and even Celeborn's terrified of her when she's like that! He runs whenever Galadriel's like that and wants to get it on with him, he knows better than to sleep in the same bed as her!"

"Oh my god! That's horrible! Why did he marry her in the first place then?"

"Because Celeborn used to be high on Elven weed, and it was he who introduced that stuff to Galadriel only to make her conditions worse when she's around the One Ring."

"I see. So is that why Celeborn's fascinated with Gandalf? Because he can smoke that stuff and not get high?"

"Maybe...I don't know...." Rumil moved closer to Figwit.

"But I do know that I'm in love with you..." he whispered in Figwit's ear. "And I want to claim you."

"Then come and claim me." Figwit happily replied and smiling at the same time, remembering what the bitch Arwen said at Ford Bruinen. They were kissing deeply and stripping each other, both being impressed with how beautiful the other was.

This is going to be so much fun...it's like having sex with the mirror image of me both Rumil and Figwit thought at the same time as they layed down on the bedding, forgetting about the Quest, Galadriel's crazy telepathic mind, and the unnoticed eyes of Haldir and Orophin with Legolas nearby, watching.
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