The chamber was a silent relief after the moans and screams of the sick rooms. Legolas closed the door behind him and looked around in the dim, orange firelight. Aragorn was asleep. He lay facing the door, wrapped in his cloak and Legolas saw that he was holding tightly onto Arwen's jewel. They had worked almost non-stop for hours with no rest and only a snatched bite here and there. Yet, despite his obvious fatigue, Aragorn slept fitfully; he had only gone to his bed when it became clear that in his exhausted state he would do more harm than good.
Legolas had lingered awhile, prowling the courtyard like a caged beast, giving Aragorn time to fall asleep before he, too, retired to their chamber.
Aragorn mumbled something indistinct and pulled fretfully at the pendant. Legolas could only guess at what worried the man and felt powerless to comfort him. Legolas was unsure of the welcome he would receive if he attempted it, so he removed his boots then collapsed, fully clothed, onto his bed.
Legolas was home walking in his beloved forest. An indistinct, shadowy figure accompanied him. He knew that she was his lover, but he did not know her name. The sun shone, filtering through the late spring leaves suffusing everything with a pale green glow. All around him were the signs of new life. This was his favourite time of year; a time of hope and new beginnings. They arrived at his favourite spot, a quiet, mossy glade by a stream. The water sang as it bubbled and splashed over smooth stones and pebbles. Unseen birds twittered high above as they collected food for their young. Legolas could feel the trees pushing their roots beneath the soft, loamy ground, absorbing nourishment from the earth. All around him an aura of calm pervaded the forest, even while the birds and insects flew around the greenery and unseen small animals scurried through the undergrowth. Occasionally a fish jumped in the water, flashing silver before disappearing back into the cool depths.
Nothing had changed since he had been here last and Legolas felt safe. He sat on a fallen log and gazed into the water. Dappled sunlight glinted on the surface of the brook, making ever changing patterns as the clear water flowed over its rocky bed. There was a small waterfall at one end of the glade and tiny rainbows danced above the watersplash.
Legolas' companion stood behind him and rested her hands on his shoulders, rubbing small circles at the base of his neck with her thumbs. He leaned into her like a cat, relaxing as she increased the pressure, and closed his eyes. After a while he felt her gently push his shoulder and he turned towards her. Soft lips met his and he kept his eyes closed as he slid his hands up her arms, over her shoulders to cup her face.
Now their kiss became deeper, more insistant and passionate. He opened his mouth under hers and felt the first flush of arousal as her tongue stroked its way around his and her arms tightened around him. Giving himself over to the sensations pulsing through him Legolas slid one arm around her back, and stroked her cheek with his other hand. He felt her light touch as her hands roamed across his back.
Legolas heard the familiar twang of a bow, the thrum of flying arrows but as though they were under a spell neither he nor his companion could move. She stiffened and gripped his upper arms tightly. She dug her fingers into his flesh, hurting him. Legolas opened his eyes and watched in horror as she tried to speak. She moved her mouth urgently, but no words came out. Her eyes clouded with pain before she slumped onto him: Three arrows with dark fletching protruded from her back.
He held her awkwardly in his arms, willing her to live while knowing that she would not. There was nothing he could do to help her. Stroking her forehead he whispered what comforting words he could and helplessly watched the light leave her eyes forever. Legolas carefully pulled the arrows from his lover's back and laid her on the mossy ground. His knuckles were white as he broke the arrows over his knee – no elvish weapons, these, but made by the hand of Man – his face wet with tears for his dead love.
Men! Men had taken his lover. With all his being, and against his usual nature, Legolas hated them, hated their arrogant ways, hated the way that they stormed through his forest and his life without paying him, or his kind, the slightest regard. His head snapped up at the sound of a twig breaking on the other side of the glade. Legolas knew, before his eyes lighted on the figure standing before him, who it would be.
Aragorn!
The man's sword was unsheathed, glinting obscene and lethal in the peaceful sunlight. Legolas raised his hand to his knife and belatedly remembered that he had not come prepared for battle, but for a tryst. His eyes met Aragorn's and he knew that the man would not stop until every last elf was gone from Middle-Earth. In a flash they were upon each other, Legolas fighting for his life with his bare hands against a man armed to the teeth. Even as he advanced he knew it would be the last thing he ever did, that the last thing he would ever see would be the anger radiating from this man's eyes. Even in his fury the elf was filled with sorrow. How had it come to pass that Men – those who were once allied so closely to the first born – were now bent only on their destruction?
A sudden pain flared as Aragorn's gauntleted fist connected with Legolas's face.
"Legolas!"
His eyes flew open. "Aragorn?" Legolas scrambled as far away as the confines of the corner bed would let him. He looked at his companion with wary, accusing eyes. "You killed her. You wanted to kill me, all of us."
"Her? Who? Were you dreaming?" Aragorn looked confused. "You fell. I was trying to push you back into bed." Aragorn indicated his own face. "You are hurt? Let me look at that."
"It is nothing." Legolas touched his finger lightly to his nose, surprised to find it sticky with blood. "You woke me." He repeated. Aragorn's gaze pierced him and Legolas dropped his eyes and looked down at his hands. The anger he had felt in his dream resurfaced and he clenched his fists.
In common with all elves, Legolas had huge reserves of stamina. But the toils and strains of the last months had severely drained these and left him tired and edgy. He struggled to make sense of his emotions, but in his current state of exhaustion and confusion he had difficulty separating his dream from reality.
"A nightmare?" Aragorn moved closer.
Legolas, still caught up in his dream, assumed a defensive stance. As Aragorn came towards him he recoiled holding up one hand as if to ward off a blow. "They are all dead, and it is your fault."
Shocked at the elf's reaction Aragorn arrested his advance and knelt beside the bed. "No, Legolas!"
Legolas' eyes were wild, he ignored Aragorn and continued his raving. Two bright spots of colour on his otherwise pale cheeks and his clenched fists betrayed his rage. Through clenched teeth he ground out his next words. "You wasted their lives. They came to your aid – we came to your aid, because they believed in you. And they are all dead." He sprang to his feet and loomed over Aragorn, who remained kneeling. This enraged the elf further. "You ignore me now as you ignored me then. You should have consulted me. Perhaps they would still be here now, to fight your battles for you!"
Aragorn got to his feet. He let his hands fall to his sides, palms towards Legolas; a gesture he hoped would placate the elf somewhat. "If you had been there to consult, do you not think that you would have been included in our plans? You ran away in your despair. You gave up the fight before it began." The words were not exactly what he wanted to say, and he waved his arms in frustration.
A seething mass of resentment, bitterness, confusion and sorrow boiled up and spilled out of Legolas. In a swift, graceful movement, he bent and picked up his knives, still in their scabbards. "If that is what you think of me," he shrugged his shoulders into the straps and fastened the buckles with deft fingers. "You will have no further need of my services. I pledged you my bow – you may call me oath-breaker, but I will not fight for or with those who have no respect for me or my kind." He would have been on the other side of the room had Aragorn not grabbed his arm as he passed. Legolas gave no indication of the pain in his bicep where Aragorn's fingers bit cruelly into his muscle, indeed it only reminded him further of his dream. In his high state of agitation Legolas refused to show the slightest sign of weakness to this man.
"You would run away – again?" Aragorn said earnestly. "Where will you go? It is too dangerous for you to flee to your father, and I cannot spare you an escort, royal Prince or no."
Legolas freed himself, with difficulty, and made a low bow. "Then I throw myself on your gracious mercy, oh King of Men. Give me shelter from the hordes until my Father may send me an escort," he mocked.
The air in the chamber almost crackled with the animosity emanating from Legolas. Suddenly Aragorn spoke into the void between them. "What manner of evil is this, that turns us against each other, Legolas? Do you now hate me so much that you would endanger not only yourself but our task too?" His voice was calmer now, and he made placating movements with his hands to emphasise this. He visibly relaxed as Legolas anger began to dissapate.
"Our task? The fellowship is broken, Aragorn." Legolas collected himself with difficulty. "But you are correct. The blame lies with me. I should not have despaired so."
"Legolas," Aragorn spoke quietly but firmly. "The blame for the deaths of your kinfolk lies neither with you nor with me. That is the doing of the Dark One."
The fight evaporated out of Legolas, he shrugged. "I should have trusted in you. In Gandalf."
"Your trust has been tested sorely in recent times, Legolas." Aragorn chanced a step closer to the elf. "But only now did you surrender to your fear. For my part I am sorry that I did not include you in our plans. I should have sought you out."
Legolas looked ashamed and sorrowful in equal measure. He toyed with a strand of his hair, twisting it around his fingers in an intricate pattern. Nearly overwhelmed, once again, by the strength of his feeling for the man standing opposite him he suppressed his instinct to flee. "I should not have allowed my fear to best me."
"There is no shame in fear, Legolas. That is what keeps us alive at such times."
"I was not afraid for myself," whispered the elf. "I could not bear it if something happened to you."
He looked more carefully at the man noting that his face had more lines than previously, he looked careworn and exhausted. And yet there was an expression in his eyes that had never gone away: hope. Hope for the future of middle earth, for the success of the Ringbearer, for future alliances. Still it gnawed at Legolas that he was held in so little regard that the deployment of the Elven archers had been made without any input from him. He remained where he was, a tightly strung bow ready to snap at the slightest touch.
"I asked you before, Legolas. With whom are you really angry? With me? With yourself?" There was a short pause before he spoke again. "I will not fight you, friend. You must do what your heart tells you. What do you want of me, Legolas? How can I make amends?"
Legolas noted how he swayed slightly where he stood and in an instant all his animosity was forgotten. Here was the man he had followed through unspeakable horrors, the man he had sworn to help, to whom he had pledged his bow. He had been a rock to the rest of the fellowship, but the cares of the journey and the leadership which he had so unwillingly assumed seemed now to weigh too heavily for Aragorn to support alone.
"It is I who should make amends. I am not angry at you but myself. You know well my feelings for you."
"Yes, but I do not understand, Legolas. I did not think you were a lover of males."
"Aragorn..."
"Legolas, I must understand what ails you. What you want from me." Aragorn sat in the chair opposite Legolas. He faced the elf across the small table where they had breakfasted. "We succeeded by the grace of all things good in defending the Hornburg. But at such a cost!" Obviously agitated Aragorn stood and recommenced pacing as he spoke. Legolas' eyes followed him across the room and back, as he fired his words rapidly into the room. "Many elves lie dead, men also. They looked to me to lead them to victory, but do you think that they expected to pay such a price? I was brought up by your folk, I lived with them, ate with them, slept with them. We laughed together. They are my people as much as they are yours – more so since many of them were sent by Lord Elrond." Legolas winced at this last. "And now, because of me and my line they lie in the cold earth. The Rohirrim accepted me and followed me to their deaths. Good men who should even now be laughing with their families – but the fates decreed otherwise. The Fellowship is sundered. Merry and Pippin are exposed to all manner of foulness. Gandalf has returned, but for how long? And what of Frodo and Sam? What of their journey to perils unknown and unknowable?
"Boromir is dead. You thought him weak and dangerous, but it could have been me. We did him a great wrong when we kept secrets from him. He was an honourable and brave man, one of the bravest – I cannot say with my hand on my heart that in his place I would not have succumbed to the Ring."
Unconsciously, it seemed to Legolas, Aragorn caught hold of his pendant. He ceased his pacing and stopped directly in front of the elf, speaking quietly. "Arwen will leave for the undying lands with her father and doom me to a life alone, or she will stay and doom herself. She will go against her father's wishes, or against mine." They both heard the unspoken words: Added to this, your love for me – which I cannot return.
Shocked into silence by the passion and force of Aragorn's long monologue, Legolas stayed perfectly still, cursing himself inwardly that he was only adding to this man's cares instead of sharing his burden.
"Legolas, I would not hurt you. But if I am the source of your disquiet, then I only seek to help you."
"You cannot."
"I will not go into the next battle, knowing that you feel this way, having done nothing."
"Aragorn, I do not wish to speak of this. I am sorry, you have worries enough."
"It would be one care less if I knew that you stood beside me. Please, Legolas, I must understand."
At last Legolas raised his eyes. "I am not a lover of males, I think. I have had lovers and they were female." He flushed again, remembering his erotic dream. "But I did not truly love anyone up to now. Perhaps I am a lover of males." He gave a hollow laugh. "My father is even now arranging my marriage. He seeks to bring our people closer to the others of the first born. There is no elf-maid of high enough rank in Mirkwood to please him, and so he searches for a good match for me. Of course, unless he leads his people to the Undying Lands there is only one suitable. And she is promised to another." His eyes were drawn to Aragorn's necklace.
Aragorn saw where Legolas' gaze was directed. "I did not know." He fingered the pendant. "Legolas, what we have been through together..." he searched for the words, "...it is easy to forget that you are a prince and I am a king in waiting." Aragorn sounded almost wistful for the hardships that they had endured on their journey from Rivendell. "But even so, I thought that your father would let you chose your own bride."
"We do not all have that luxury, Aragorn. I am the son of a King, no matter how hard it may be to remember that. My marriage will serve our people, not me. You can not imagine some of the offers," the word was full of disdain, " my father has received for me. As if I were something to be bought and sold."
"That is why you came to Imladris? To escape your father?" Aragorn's tone was sympathetic, but his expression was one of shock. Duty was something that came naturally to him, it had been drilled into him since he was a small child, and he was sure that it had been the same for his companion. But even so, he had been free to pursue his own love, and he had thought it would be the same for others who lived among the elves.
"There is no escape from my duty. Fathers will have their will: it is a child's place to obey."
"That is the truth, Legolas. None of us truly follow the path we would. When we are but small we dream of what we will do when we are out of our parents' control, but when we reach maturity we realise that we must all follow the path set out for us." Aragorn sounded sad, and Legolas had a sudden vision of the small boy he once was, hiding with his mother among the elves.
Again compassion flared in the elf, he could not escape the fact that he loved this man, no matter that this love was neither sought nor returned. "Aragorn, she will return to you."
"She must do her father's bidding. As you must. As we all must, even though we may wish it otherwise." A tight smile accompanied Aragorn's words. "We learn to be happy with what fate gives us."
"You are truly happy?" Disbelief was written all over Legolas' face.
"No. I am disturbed by many things." Aragorn sighed. "But we have strayed from the subject. If it was not to escape your father, why did you attend the Council of Elrond and agree to join the Fellowship?"
There was a long pause before Legolas resumed speaking. His eyes darted around the room, looking but not seeing, trying to find the words to explain to Aragorn something that he did not wholly understand himself. "You know well that it was our mistake that let Gollum escape, even now we may pay a high price for that folly. It was my duty as the King's son to apologise in his place, and make reparation."
"That was your only reason?"
"When you came with Mithrandir and gave Sméagol over to our safe-keeping, you spoke only with my father. It was Mithrandir who explained the importance to me and the captains of the guard of keeping him safely locked away. You both stayed only a few days, but I saw you often during that time, although you do not remember me. I envied your freedom as a Ranger, your purpose. Everything you did, everything you said had a reason. You are noble born, but nothing was beneath you – your life was hard but rewarding. I think that I fell in love with the idea of you." Legolas was shocked at how he laid himself bare to the man, but once he had started he could not stop. "When we met at Imladris, when I saw you again, my heart flew with the birds. Then I knew that it was not just the idea that I loved, but the man. I am sorry."
Legolas immediately wished he could take back his words. Aragorn looked stricken, his face was pale with his lips pursed together. Legolas could only watch as the silence between them lengthened and became intensely uncomfortable. After some time he belatedly realised that he was still standing by the door, ready to leave. He opened it and announced his intention to go.
Aragorn was next to him in two strides, he slammed the door with more force than necessary. "Legolas, wait."
"No, Aragorn. I cannot. My words have shocked you, although I do not know why. You have known how I feel about you since we left Elrond's house, I think."
"Yes." Aragorn rubbed his face. "But what you want of me... I love Arwen, and even if she were to reject me and go with her father, I cannot give you what you want."
"You do not know what I want. I think you are speaking only of a physical desire," he coloured but struggled on. "I do not ask that of you. I know it is not your custom..." Legolas gestured helplessly. "We cannot speak of this, there is too much that I do not understand."
"Legolas, I..."
The elf made an impatient gesture and cut him off. "No. I have been weak. Given in to my desire to close to you. It will not happen again." Legolas was resolute. "Your intention is to gather what forces there are and leave for Minas Tirith I think?"
"Why do you ask?"
"It is what I would do in your position."
Aragorn stood up quickly, knocking his seat over. The wooden chair clattered loudly in the silence, but he made no move to right it. "You will leave us? We need you. I need you." This last was almost lost in the noise of the falling furniture, but Legolas heard it all the same.
"No! I pledged you my bow and my life, and I will not go back on that now. Aragorn... Estel," Legolas' new resolve was sorely tested by the look of distress on Aragorn's face and he he deliberately used his elvish name to soften the blow. "I will travel with the company of elves, such as remain. We will travel alongside you – it is not our intention to desert Men in their hour of need. I will not desert you."
Aragorn took a step backwards, nearly falling over the chair behind him. He straightened it impatiently and strode towards the elf, who could not guess at his purpose and took an involuntary step backwards, wary of the unreadable expression on Aragorn's face. This reaction stopped Aragorn in his tracks. He gestured helplessly with his hands. "Legolas, wait. You have spoken, now let me have my say." He waved his arm to the chair vacated by the elf. "Sit. Listen. Please." Aragorn seemed to realise that Legolas would not come back unless he moved out of the way; he retreated behind the table.
Legolas hovered, wanting simultaneously both to bolt and to remain. He approached the chair, but instead of sitting, stood behind it holding its back in a white-knuckled grip. He was using it as a shield, but against what he did not know.
Aragorn looked as though he was searching for the right words, and Legolas waited with growing impatience. He had spoken without thinking clearly, and was now regretting it. Eventually Aragorn spoke. "When we brought Gollum to Mirkwood, it was partly because of your father's renowned ability to keep prisoners."
Legolas eyes flickered at the reminder of his father's darker side and Aragorn was quick to apologise. "Legolas, I am sorry, it was thoughtless."
"Your apology is not needed. I am well aware of our reputation, however ill deserved." Legolas' voice was cold.
"Your people need not apologise for their compassion, Legolas. Gandalf has said that vile creature has a further part to play in this," Aragorn gestured vaguely with his hand but did not mention the Ring, even though they were alone and nobody could overhear them. "For my part I am ashamed that I would have killed him outright if the wizard had not stayed my hand." Legolas inclined his head in acceptance of Aragorn's apology and the man took a breath before continuing. "I saw you while I was a guest of your father's, and though I never spoke to you I noticed that you are well liked and respected among your folk. The king's decision to send you to Rivendell was a good one, one that I welcomed and you have proved that time and again since we set out."
The elf's grip on the chair-back slackened but he remained standing. "I do only my duty."
"You do more than your duty. Yours is the strength that allows me to carry on when mine falters, Legolas. Reconsider your decision not to travel alongside me. I need you."
The words hung heavy between them. "Why?"
"You ask me why?" Aragorn looked confused now. "Our tribulations of the last months are not enough of a reason for you? We have survived the bloodiest battle of our lives, and now we are surrounded by the bodies of our kin. We need you. I need you."
Legolas blanched. "I, too, carry these cares in my heart but I did not realise..." He sat down. Resting his elbows on his knees he buried his face in his hands. His next words were muffled, but his capitulation was clear. "I will do as you wish. But know that it is not my choice." He looked up and his face was devoid of expression. "I will leave when this war is over, and not before. But you must give me your word that you will not make me stay."
"I ask you to stay. To aid us."
"You ask but you will not command me. Why? Because I am a King's son? And yet you do not consult me in matters of war. What do you want of me, Aragorn?" A small scab had formed where he had previously injured himself and now he sat picking idly at this trying not to notice that Aragorn was moving around the table towards him. They would achieve nothing like this, but Legolas did not now know how to withdraw.
Aragorn took two strides and knelt before him. He took the elf's hands in his. "You think I use your love for me against you? This is not true. I mark it well, but it is not abused. But I am no lover of males. My love for you is as a brother, as a warrior. I can offer you no more than that. I love Arwen, and whatever choice she makes, I am hers and hers alone, we are bound by our troth." He held firm as Legolas tried to pull away. "Legolas, what you think you feel for me will pass. Of that I am sure."
Aragorn reached out and Legolas pulled away, not wanting any contact. The man persisted touching the elf lightly on his cheek. Not for the first time Legolas was surprised at the gentleness that came from such a battle hardened man, and it was only with great effort that he pushed Aragorn's hand away. "Aragorn, let me go."
Legolas ascended the long, winding staircase to the highest point of the Hornburg, and as he had before let his eyes rove over the plains before him. The strong wind whipped his hair and caused his cloak to billow behind him. It hurt to know that his love was unrequited, and yet that knowledge did not pain him as much as he thought it would. If anything it made his resolve to leave Aragorn's company at the first opportunity stronger.
He stood for a long time watching the fortress of Helm's Deep begin to recover from the battle. There would be a ceremony for the fallen that evening, after which the King and his advisors would plan their strategy for their next move. Legolas determined that he would attend that meeting of captains, he would insist on that point if necessary. Gradually he controlled his emotions, pushing them down until he felt that he could face Aragorn without betraying himself. Feeling slightly ashamed that he had allowed his feelings to better him over the last weeks he decided never to let it happen again. From this day, he resolved, Legolas the Elf would remain cool and detatched, observing but not immersing himself in the lives of those around him.
Out of habit Legolas continuously scanned the horizon and the plains before him. Helm's Deep had been built for defence, and it offered a panoramic view, especially from this, the highest point. He heard Gimli puffing up the last few stairs and Legolas turned to his friend as he emerged from the doorway. "Master Dwarf, I am beginning to worry that you are turning into an elf. You can hardly bear to stay away from this place." A movement caught his eye and he snapped his head round, shading his eyes as he scoured the horizon.
Gimli's eyes narrowed but he gave no rejoinder and Legolas wondered if his new resolve had somehow manifested itself into something tangible that others would notice. "You have seen something?"
"They are some way off, but we will have thirty guests for this evening.
"Man or elf?" Gimli walked over to Legolas. "Or perhaps dwarf?" He added hopefully.
"Man and elf." Legolas returned to his examination of the approaching riders. They were moving fast and soon he gave an exclamation. "Good news indeed, Gimli, we shall have news from Imladris and further afield. The Rangers approach – and with them the sons of Elrond" He jumped down from his vantage point and headed down the stairs, calling behind him. "Come, Gimli, Aragorn must hear of this."
Aragorn stood, flanked by Gimli and Legolas, waiting to greet the Dunedain. Of all the watchers gathered at the main gate, only Legolas did not have his eyes turned to the approaching riders. Instead he examined Aragorn's face, noting the strain that showed around his eyes and his tightly clenched jaw. Legolas moved closer, noting how the man gripped his belt tightly.
Elladhan and Elrohir were the first to greet their foster-brother, swiftly followed by Halbarad and the other Rangers. Their arrival brought relief to the elf; Aragorn would barely notice him over the next days, giving Legolas time to bury, for good, his feelings for the man. He watched as Elrond's sons hugged Aragorn, unusual for elves, but, he assumed, they were well used to Aragorn's need for physical contact with those around him.
With shouted orders to take care of the horses the new arrivals followed a steward into the great hall, where they would have the chance to impart their news.
Aragorn turned to Legolas. "They bring news from all corners, and from Imladris."
"Arwen?" Inquired Legolas.
Aragorn nodded.
"Whatever she chose, she has had to leave one that she loves." Legolas' words did nothing to comfort Aragorn.
"The Valar help her, Legolas, that her decision does not break her heart."
Or yours, Legolas added silently. He spoke aloud. "Enough hearts have broken in this war, by all that is good I pray that Arwen's does not join their number."
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