...And I guess I just wanted to tell you, as the lights start to fade,
That you are the reason that I am not afraid.
And I guess I just wanted to mention, as the heavens will fall,
We will be together soon if we be anything at all...
Utterly coldness flooded the little chamber of stone, and Merry lay on the ground, quivering. The rest of the fellowship he could only see in a dim light, because Gandalf sat some feet away from him, the mysterious stone on his staff almost not giving any light. Somewhere next to him was Pippin, or at least, Merry had seen him there the last time. It was cold in the Mines of Moria, although it was pretty much colder on the outside of the mountain.
Merry remembered reluctantly the snowstorm on the slopes of Caradhras, and how drowsy the cold had made him. If Boromir and Aragorn had not been there, it would have been the death of all the hobbits, since the blankets of snow, which fell through the whole night, were almost as tall as one of them. They had carried them out of there and had saved their lives...
And even if Merry had almost fallen asleep there in the snow, in the severe cold, he was now wide awake. And even if there were no wolves around now, which had not allowed him a minute of sleep and which had scared him to death- he could not sleep. Merry was more concerned about finally feeling warmth inside of his frozen body. Some steps away Merry was able to hear Gimli's loud snoring noises, and he had to smile secretly to himself. Gimli had no problem with the abundance of sunlight, and he had to fear nothing. He knew how to slay an orc. And even if he was a dwarf and too proud to ever run away from a fight, he also knew how to escape his foes.
But Merry was just a little hobbit, and although Boromir had taught him and Pippin some of his skills with the sword, he was somehow afraid. Of course he did not admit that to any of the fellowship, especially not to Pippin. The younger hobbit should not take fright; and if Merry told him he was scared, it would drive Pippin mad. He was still so young, so innocent...
Merry shuddered when he thought about how much Pippin would change through this journey. It wouldn't take much longer now and laughter wouldn't come as often from Pippin's mouth as it did these days. Merry sighed.
He felt nothingness filling him and it became harder and harder to remember home. All the adventures and dangers they had been through since they had left the Shire had filled him with bitterness. There was no time to think about a good pipe-weed or a nice pint of beer; there was no time to think about dancing or wandering through parts of the Shire with Pippin. And whenever Merry tried to evoke home he noticed with a fright that the pictures of it were already blurred. He had never left Buckland for such a long time, and now it was difficult to remember everything easily. But on the other hand, he did not regret to have convoyed Frodo. He was his cousin and also one of his dearest friends. He would have had a guilty conscience forever if he had stayed home.
But more and more these days Merry felt uneasy about having Pippin here by his side, in danger. He knew Pippin had only taken this journey because of him. And Merry could not save him- if anything happened, he could do nothing but let the enemies kill him instead of Pippin. And then there would be no promise that Pippin could flee for his life or live on...
Suddenly he heard someone approaching him, crawling slowly towards his body.
"Merry?"
It was Pippin's whispering voice, in such a most thoughtful tone, because Merry could have been asleep already, it made Merry smile.
"I'm awake, Pip" Merry whispered back and then he heard Pippin coming close. With a little sigh Pippin snuggled up to Merry, who put his arms around the cold and also shivering body next to him.
"You cold?" Merry spoke under breath right into Pippin's curls. Pippin just nodded and moved closer. Another sigh escaped his mouth.
"I think I've heard some footsteps behind us." Pippin's voice quavered. Merry's body knotted with evil apprehensions and he held Pippin tighter.
"Sam and Frodo also heard someone... They think it's... it's..." Pippin stopped in his stuttering.
"I know who you mean, dear Pip." Merry tried to let himself sound as becalming as possible. He knew that Pippin was afraid. He hadn't to tell him.
"And you can sleep here, right next to me. And whatever it is that follows us, I am going to protect you."
Merry noticed a relieved sigh from Pippin. Pippin's warm and light lips kissed his neck softly and Merry could all but whisper again and again that they would be fine, that they would be safe... Soon...Pippin was so easily scared, so insecure...
"Merry?" Pippin asked a few minutes later. The others of the fellowship either slept or sat around Gandalf to talk with him with voices low.
"Wouldn't it be nice to be at the Green Dragon now? Or at least in one of Brandy Hall's beds... You and me in a warm, nice bed..." Pippin sighed, and Merry was sure that he had heard that shake in Pippin's question. A tone Merry had gotten used to, a tone, which promised tender kisses, slender fingers exploring and touching naked skin and long hours sharing each other's passion. The younger hobbit desired, and so did Merry, but there was no time to think about such intimacies.
Moria, full of orcs and other foes, was definitely not the right place for lovers or other beings, which did not belong to the enemy.
"I'd love to be back home again, little Took... but I can barely remember the Shire right now, Pippin. Whenever I try to recall a place or a former event...my eyes can't see them anymore... I guess I understand now what Frodo told me a few days ago..."
Softly Merry spoke and his fingers wandered over Pippin's back.
"What was it, love?" Pippin whispered and then he laid his arms around Merry's shoulders, his fingers gently fondling his neck.
"Well... he said he had a feeling the Ring would steal every happy memory from his mind and heart. That he would become blind in the light, naked in the darkness... Soon there would be nothing anymore to remind him of his former life... The enemy would take it all. And sometimes I feel the same way. Honestly said... I am afraid to forget. To forget who I am. And to forget home, you...us...", Merry sighed, "and sometimes it scares me."
Pippin remained silent and moved a bit so that he laid right on Merry's body. His fingers got lost in the blond curls of Merry, and Pippin could not stop touching Merry's soft skin. Merry's word had hurt Pippin, but he did not allow himself to show any of his harms. He felt hot tears burning in his filling up eyes, but he did not cry. He gulped and tried to form phrases with his dried out mouth. It took him a while to calm down, and in that time he had buried his face deep in Merry's neck and his lips touched the cold skin as if they were about to kiss it.
How could Merry forget his Pippin?
How was it possible that the daily growing love between them could be forced away by the enemy's power? It could not be.
There had to be other paths to walk on... A memory came to Pippin's mind.
"You..." he whispered with a suffocated voice. "Do you remember the day we laid in the grass by the little stream near the Old Forest? It was that day we had been thrown out by your mother because we had stolen those nice cakes she used to make."
Merry felt Pippin chuckle on his chest and laughter rose inside of him. Affectionately he stroked Pippin's head and let some wisps of hair run through his fingers.
"And how she'd sworn at us." Again Pippin chuckled softly.
"Do you remember, love?" He asked then in a whisper.
"I don't know, Pip. It's all so vague in my mind." Merry sighed.
"Well. Your hand..." and then Pippin grabbed his hand softly and laid it down on his waist, "laid here, and the other" - Merry's other hand was taken by slender fingers and put around Pippin's neck, "right here."
A shivering breath poured out of Pippin's lips.
"You pulled me close." he whispered. And automatically Merry held Pippin tighter.
The memory came back, slowly, but it was still somewhere in his sub-consciousness.
Pippin started to shiver again, but not because of the cold, but because of the growing yearning inside of his heart. Like fire the blood pumped through his veins.
"And the grass was so green. Green like emeralds... And the sun shone so brightly in the sky, so high above us."
Pippin sighed again, and his voice sounded as if it was far away, lost in some unseen space.
"Your skin was pale in the sunlight, and your eyes were the most valuable sapphires I'd even seen. I swear, if I had not fallen in love with you before, I surely would have fallen in love with you then. And how you stared into my eyes, Merry..." Pippin whispered.
"I felt as if you had pierced my heart... I got lost in you..."
Pippin paused and took a deep quavering breath. "And then you told me that you'd love me."
Merry felt Pippin raising his head from his chest, as the warmth left him. His eyes searched for the younger hobbit, and finally found him looking into his eyes, searching for his, too. Pippin's pupils glimmered in the damped light at him and made Merry forget everything he'd thought about before.
There was no fear now. There was only him and Pippin, shyly smiling at each other.
And although it was dark, Merry felt as if light spread inside of him, through each of Pippin's words, his looks, his gentle touches... There was a certain pain in Merry's throat because he was deeply moved by Pippin's story and the memory of their first day as lovers. He knew that if he spoke just a single word now he would burst into tears. So there was only one other way to show Pippin his deepest feelings.
His hand reached out for Pippin's cheek and as his fingers stroked the soft skin fondly they touched the tears Pippin cried, whereupon Pippin sighed. He lowered his face, so that it was right above Merry's.
Just a few inches separated their lips from each other's and every breath lingered wet and warm on the skin of the other hobbit. Merry found himself grabbing Pippin harder, because he was sure that if he held not onto him he would be lost, alone in the dark.
"Do you remember what happened then?"
Pippin asked with a cheeky smile and Merry could feel the whispered words on his lips. Desire rose inside of him, and a feeling of dizzy warmth stretched somewhere in his stomach. He took a deep breath and licked his lower lip nervously before he answered with a hoarse voice.
"I kissed you..."
"Right" Pippin whispered. Merry closed his eyes as he saw Pippin's lips coming nearer and nearer to his. Yearning breathed with Merry's lungs... his body was full of excitement. Then Pippin's lips touched his ever so gently, it made Merry shiver with delight. It was a shy and slow kiss, lips exploring lips carefully and with pleasured precision, because kissing was a rare thing these days.
Merry felt Pippin's warm and soft lips open a bit and the younger hobbit deepened the kiss and leaned more into it, which made Merry gasp. His fingers got lost in Pippin's curls and he moaned into his hot mouth.
It seemed to Merry as if Pippin was filling his being with light, as if each breath of him was full with joy and things to be, things to remember, things to laugh about, things to love... And through their kissing it stuffed Merry and searched its place somewhere deep in his heart, never to escape again.
Merry smiled and pulled softly back.
Pippin smiled affectionately at him and stroked some wisps of hair away. There was light now in Moria. It seemed to shine right from Pippin's face, his bright eyes... And Merry knew that it wouldn't always be dark where he was, that they would see sunlight again someday. Again he pulled Pippin close for another kiss and he felt the smile on Pippin's lips while they touched his. Finally they separated and Pippin pillowed his head with a long sigh on Merry's chest.
"You know,..." Pippin whispered after a few moments of content silence and tender caressing.
"First I was scared because of...of Gollum- as if these Mines weren't a terrible place already... but then you scarred me" His voice sounded thoughtfully and Merry wondered about how he could have frightened Pippin. It was the last thing he'd wanted to do...
"I love you so much" Pippin said quietly, "and I don't want you to ever forget this... I don't want you to forget us..."
A little smile appeared on Merry's lips and he kissed Pippin's forehead, whereupon the little hobbit sighed deeply.
"I will not forget, Pippin."
"How you can you be sure?" The Took's voice was full with hurt and fear.
"Because I have you there to remind me, Pip... and I forgot for a second that there's no need to be worried when you're around. I just feel like... like I can do everything when you're in my arms, like you are able to make everything possible."
Pippin lifted his head and smiled at Merry. There were again tears to see in his eyes.
"Oh Merry" he whispered and kissed him passionately.
"Even to Moria you bring light, Peregrin Took." Merry said as they parted and all his love for Pippin could be heard in his voice.
Confident Pippin touched Merry's chest with his small hand, right there where his heart would be. "Always remember", Pippin said with a cheeky smile,
"Even the darkest shadow cannot exist without light. There's always light somewhere..."
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Light in Moria by MistofStars
Story notes: This is actually my very first slash in this fandom.. so I do appreciate receiving feedback!
Lyrics at the beginning are taken from "Zero Sum" by Nine Inch Nails, so it's not under my copyright. The lyrics actually gave me the idea for this ficlet...
