Sam pushed Frodo up against the wall and kissed him deeply, desire flooding through his body. He lightly tugged at Frodo's lower lip with his teeth, pleased at the moan the act produced. Frodo's knees wobbled, and he slid down the wall, pulling Sam down with him. They resumed kissing, Sam tangling his fingers in Frodo's soft, lovely, black mahogany curls.
Frodo blinked, then pushed Sam away.
"What's wrong, Frodo?" Sam asked. He looked at Frodo hurriedly, scared that he might have accidentally done something wrong. Frodo lifted his fingers and gently brushed Sam's cheek to reassure him, then looked down the hall at the door.
"You.. you don't have to live here, Sam."
Sam looked at him, trying to clear his head and understand what had just been said to him. "I.. Begging your pardon, sir, but I've wanted to live here for years. I'm not changing my mind."
Frodo smiled happily. "Years, Sam? Then it's not just because you think you need to take care of me? Because, I assure you, I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, and--"
Sam interrupted him with a kiss, then pulled away, his eyes twinkling with amusement. "Remember all those times that you got caught in a book and didn't eat a thing until I came in from the garden and discovered you? I'm not sure I like the idea of that happening again."
Frodo stared at Sam, then laughed and rumpled his lover's hair playfully.
"You haven't answered my question."
Sam sighed. "Frodo, yes, I am moving in so that I can take care of you. But that don't mean it's the only reason."
Frodo gazed quizzically at Sam. "What other reasons are there, Sam?"
"Frodo-dear, you should know," chided Sam with a smile. "I love you, for one. For another, I've gotten used to waking up with you in my arms. And I've always wondered what it would be like if we never had to hurry, if we could just do what we wanted without having to worry about me havin' to go home or suchlike."
Frodo smiled back. "I've wondered that as well. Oh, Sam, this will be wonderful!" He flung himself at Sam, who chuckled and hugged him back. After some moments, Frodo sat back and looked at Sam thoughtfully. Sam blushed and busied himself playing with the hem of his shirt. There was something that Frodo needed to say, if only he could find the words to say it with...
"Sam?" Sam lifted his head and met Frodo's eyes. "I only.. thank you for being there. There are times when everything seems so dark, and I know I'm not much fun to be around.... but you always make it so much easier. Just knowing that you're there helps so much... I sometimes thought that I would never laugh again. But the other day, you tickled me so much, I thought my belly would burst from laughing so hard.." Frodo paused to smile at the fond memory. "It's been so long since I've felt that free."
Sam smiled at the memory, too. It had been a good day, it had. He had gotten Frodo to come outside with him while he tended the garden, just like he used to. After a bit of fooling around, he had decided to see if Frodo was still ticklish. Sam laughed to himself. Of course he was! It had been so good to see Frodo's face scrunched up with laughter, tears of mirth rolling down his cheeks. He had tickled him and tickled him, not wanting to stop until he had memorized the way Frodo half-heartedly pleaded for Sam to stop, the way he rolled in the grass and shook his head back and forth to try and stop Sam's fingers from reaching his neck. The way he had curled into a ball to protect his belly, the way he had kicked when Sam tried to tickle his feet. When he finally had mercy on the poor laughing hobbit, Frodo was still gasping for air between giggles five minutes later. The spark in Frodo's eyes had been so joyous, so..
Sam realized that his eyes were tearing up, and that Frodo was caressing his cheek. Sam took a deep breath and smiled, which was harder to do than he had expected. What is wrong with me? This is a happy memory, not a sad one. Why is it so hard to smile? The feeling inside him started to change, from relaxed happiness to searing sadness. Frodo stared at Sam, and furrowed his brow. Sam closed his eyes, not wanting Frodo to read them, knowing that he could always tell what Sam was thinking if he looked at his eyes.
Frodo stroked Sam's cheek again, and could see the hobbit shiver slightly under the touch. He could see Sam's chest rise and fall, he could see that he was trying to hold back sobs. But why? What is making him so sad? Doesn't he know that he can cry to me if he needs to? Frodo felt a fear grow in the pit of his stomach. When was the last time I saw him cry? Please, no.. Please say that you don't need to hold it in, Sam...
"Sam.. you comfort me more than I could ever say in words, but.. I comfort you as well, don't I?"
Sam opened his eyes, momentarily surprised. "Why, yes Mr. Frodo, o'course you do-"
Frodo interrupted him. "Then how come you won't let me see you cry, Sam? What's troubling you? And don't tell me, 'nothing', because I know that's not true."
Sam bit his lip and blinked furiously, trying to stop the tears from falling. Why is this coming out now? Why now? Why not later, when Frodo's asleep and I don't have to worry him? He silently cursed and closed his eyes again when the tears fell anyway, sliding down his cheek ever so slowly. He didn't want to see Frodo's face, didn't want to see those gorgeous eyes fill with pain when he realized that Sam wasn't as strong as he should be...
A lump formed in Frodo's throat as he watched Sam hang his head with shame and take slow, scratching breaths. He reached out his hand and gently stroked Sam's golden hair. Sam pulled away from the touch, then looked up. Frodo's breath caught when he saw Sam's tear-stained face, his warm honey eyes wet and dark with sadness. "I'm sorry," Sam whispered. Frodo stroked Sam's hair again, and moved closer to him. "Whatever for, Sam?"
"For cryin'."
Frodo inwardly groaned. Sam is afraid of showing it!
"Sam-"
"No, sir, don't," Sam said softly. "Please.."
"Sam, you don't have to be sorry for crying!" Frodo said, gripping Sam's shoulders to force him to listen. Sam looked up and said in a small voice,
"Yes I do. You have enough to worry about, without..." His voice cracked, and he dropped his head again.
Frodo's eyes watered at the wretched tone in his voice, and he pulled Sam into his arms. Sam followed, not having the strength to resist. All of his strength and resolve seemed to be slipping away, each tear that flowed out of his eyes making him weaker and weaker.
"Holding you is no burden, love," Frodo whispered.
He buried his face into Frodo's curls, and smelled the light, faded scent of the soap he always used to wash them with. He knew his tears would dirty that wonderful hair, but he suddenly didn't care. The sobs were going through him full-force now, unchained, just like they did whenever he had some time by himself.
Frodo felt Sam shake and cry, and lowered them both to the floor so that they could cuddle more comfortably. Frodo pulled Sam closer to his body, and tucked Sam's head underneath his chin. He wrapped his arms around his beloved, and held him tightly as he cried. It broke his heart to see Sam finally crumble like this. How long, how long? Oh Sam, why did you feel like you couldn't come to me? Why hold it in? Why let all of this poison build up like this? It could have been slowly fading, all of this time.. I cannot hold you still, you're shaking so hard. Oh, Sam.. Frodo shut his eyes and tightened his hold.
Each sob ripped Sam's heart into pieces. All of the pain and memories he had locked away forever seemed to be escaping now. It was easier to control himself when he was alone, but now that he could feel Frodo's warmth and love wrap around him and hold him, it was too hard to keep it inside. How could he hide from the one person in the Shire who truly understood what he had gone through? The only one that had ever seen him as more than a gardener, the only one that had never laughed at his love of elves or made him feel 'above his station' for learning how to read and write? The only one that saw every single bit of his soul, and loved it all, even the parts deemed silly or frivolous by others? The only one that he could talk to for hours at a time, that could make him breathless with just one look? A part of him warned him that he was hurting Frodo, that he was going to make him go into one of his Moods, but a bigger part of him was telling him to feel Frodo's arms and the scattered kisses he pressed to Sam's hair.
Sam shook and shattered in Frodo's embrace, the hurt cutting through him like a knife to the heart. Months of quiet strength and suppressed fears and memories came crashing down around him. Black ash, foul smells, rough cloth, mean laughter. Stabs of pain shooting down his body, protesting the lack of sleep, food, and water. Dark tunnels and caves, shaking with terror, screaming into his bedroll at night when he was certain no one would hear.
Looking at his own grime-covered fingers and not wanting to touch his beautiful Frodo with such dirty, dirty hands. Not wanting to kiss him with such chapped, dry lips. He deserves so much more than me, so much more... I was supposed to protect Frodo, keep him safe. I have failed, failed, failed so miserably, how can he allow me to be in the same room as him after what I've done, let alone hold me and kiss me as he does? I've not saved you any pain, not from the blade or that gollum or that nasty Ring. I've not saved you. I've not protected you. I promised I would, and I've failed. I should not be doing this. I should not be using you like this, should not be crying in your arms like I deserve to be here. You need strength and protection, not some filthy shaking hobbit-lad that can't even hold in his worthless cries..
He felt Frodo pull away. Yes, that's right, Sam, he's realized what a cowardly person you really are, and he's pulling away from you. You'll never be a source of comfort, only a source of pain.
Frodo looked at Sam, who had lifted his hand and was blindly reaching towards him, trying to say that he was sorry, but crying so hard that nothing intelligible could come out. Ai, Sam, I had no idea how much you were keeping inside! I should have seen it! I shouldn't have let you think that.. that I need 'strength and protection, not some filthy shaking hobbit-lad that can't even hold in his worthless cries'. He wondered if Sam even knew that he had said the last out loud between his tears.
Frodo crawled over Sam and lay down on his body, knowing from personal experience that he would need to feel as much of Frodo as possible in order to calm down. He cupped Sam's face with his hands and kissed his lips. Sam kept crying, seemingly oblivious to the fact that Frodo was holding him. Frodo was worried, knowing that Sam must be lost in his pain. Frodo himself hadn't cried this hard in weeks, because his Sam had been there...
Frodo mentally kicked himself. Yes, he had been there, but who had been there for him? Nobody. My poor Sam, giving and giving but never taking anything in return, never knowing what was sitting there right under your nose...
He squeezed Sam as hard as he possibly could, and muffled his sobs with his mouth. He slipped his tongue inside Sam's parted lips. Sam gasped, broke the kiss, and tried to push Frodo's shoulders away from him, but Frodo refused to move. He tried again, a little harder, and still Frodo would not move. Finally, Sam was forced to open his eyes, and froze when he saw Frodo's sapphire blue staring back.
Sam had often told him how amazing his eyes were. He knew that they changed depending on his mood. According to Sam, they were dark when he was aroused, cloudy when he first woke up, light when he laughed, and empty when he was sad or in a Mood. Frodo mentally pushed all of his love for Sam into his eyes, hoping that Sam would get the message from them, as he so often did.
Sam couldn't tear himself away. Frodo was staring at him with such a.. such a look of... His thoughts melted and blew away under the gaze, the look in Frodo's eyes deeper and more intense than any he could remember seeing before. If he had ever fallen into a trance by them before, it was nothing like the one he was in now.
Frodo leaned closer to Sam, so that their noses touched, never once breaking eye contact. He paused for a few moments, then closed his eyes and swiftly pressed his lips against Sam's, hoping that he would understand. He massaged Sam's lips with his own, the friction making his own lips burn, but it was a good burn. He felt Sam weakly return the kiss, and sighed in relief. His Sam had returned to him.
They stayed that way for a few minutes, exchanging light but loving kisses, then Frodo lifted himself up a few inches to study Sam's face. Sam looked back up at him, tears still glistening in his eyes. He opened his mouth to speak, but Frodo pressed a finger over those soft lips and tried to sort out his thoughts into something that might be remotely helpful. "Sam... shush, love, I'm not angry... no, Sam, I'm not angry. And I'm not hurt, and.. Sam. Look at me, love. I want you to listen to me, please. Earlier, you said.. You said something about me not needing you. But I do need you, Sam. I need you to be here with me so much that it hurts sometimes to love you so much. You've been so strong for me, so strong-and no, stop shaking your head. I mean it. I refuse to have you go on believing any different. If I have to repeat myself every minute of every day, then I will. I love you. Don't ever think that you are worthless, please. You're the most wonderful, understanding, kind, beautiful hobbit in the entire Shire and.."
Frodo gently rubbed a newly fallen tear from Sam's cheek, and kissed his nose. "I do love you. I have loved you for so, so long. You know that. You used to be afraid that I would leave you, Sam, but how could I? How could I, after all we've been through? You're my best friend, more than I could have ever wished for. When I'm in your arms, I feel like I'm in the safest place in the world. Everything else goes away and there's just me and you. You.." Frodo paused, searching for the right words. "You.. crying.. Doesn't take away your strength. I know, I've always known, that I wasn't the only one that was hurt. But I have always seemed to be the only one that ever cried, and I felt like such a burden- no, Sam, let me finish. I wondered why I couldn't have just gotten over it like you had seemed to. I always thought that you were fine, Sam, if I had known.. Please, let me know that I can comfort you, that we can do this together. That I'm helping you as much as you're helping me. You have as much a right to cry or scream at night as.. as you've always said I have. If I have that right, then you do too. Please don't hold it in for my sake. Please let me comfort you and hold you safe."
"You do," Sam croaked. He wrapped his arms around Frodo and started to cry again, the words of Frodo's speech slowly sinking in. "You do, you do, I just.. I.. I'm the strong one, I have to be strong for you.."
"Why can't we be strong for each other?" Frodo whispered. "If I need to cry, I know you'll be there. If you need to cry, I'll be there too. Promise me that you won't ever, ever, hold it in like that again." Sam closed his eyes. "Promise me, Samwise!"
"I promise." Sam clung to Frodo as the floor spun and fell away beneath him. "I promise!"
Frodo sighed in relief and held Sam as he finally let himself receive the comfort he sorely needed.
It was dark outside by the time the last hot tears fell from Sam's weary eyes. Frodo felt Sam become still underneath him, and lifted his head from where he had buried it in the crook of Sam's neck. He smiled and gently stroked the back of his knuckles on Sam's cheek.
"Are you alright?"
Sam smiled back, feeling as though a huge weight that he hadn't even noticed had been lifted from his chest. I cried, and Frodo didn't fall ill or get angry. I don't have to be the strong one anymore, don't have to hold it in... Frodo-love said so...
"I feel... light. Is this..?"
Frodo smiled wider, recognizing the relief and peace in Sam's eyes. "Yes, love. Every time I cry in your arms, I feel lighter. It's a nice feeling, isn't it?"
Sam laughed softly in agreement, and pulled Frodo down for a kiss. Frodo pulled away first, idly playing with Sam's waist. He needed to make sure of something, before the moment passed.
"Sam, you promised me that you would let me be strong for you. That we could get through this together. You'll keep that promise, right, Sam?"
The tiny inner voice surged within Sam, and he struggled against it. "I.." he sighed, seeing that if he said no, Frodo would be hurt. "Yes. Yes, m'dear, I promise. But Frodo, it's hard." He gulped. "There's.. somethin' inside me that, even now, keeps telling me that if I let you comfort me, you won't feel safe anymore. And I'm hoping that it's not true, but.." he let his sentence drift.
Frodo shook his head, wondering for the hundredth time how long Sam had thought like that. "Sam, of course it's not true. I love holding you. I want to make you feel better. And I still, even now, feel like the safest hobbit in the Shire in your arms." Frodo stopped, and when he continued, his voice was choked with emotion. "Your big, strong arms, that never let me go..."
Sam looked into Frodo's eyes, searching, searching for something that would tell him that Frodo was lying.. But no. He was telling the truth. The tiny voice finally died away, withering under the undeniable love in Frodo's eyes. Sam smiled.
"Well, if that's true, then I guess I'll keep my promise." Sam paused thoughtfully. "I s'pose I can't expect to make you feel better if I have hurts of my own that need healin'." He paused again. "I wonder why I never thought of it that way before."
"Sam, sadness can make you think in strange ways. But, no more!" Frodo laughed and kissed Sam tenderly. Sam smiled into the kiss, and wiggled beneath him, sending a jolt of pleasure up their spines and making them realize, one, what a wonderful position they happened to be in, and, two, that they had not yet finished what they had begun to do earlier that afternoon.
"What'll it be, Frodo-love? D'you want to eat some food, as it's gettin' late, or d'you want to have me here on the hallway floor?"
Frodo smirked and cocked his head to one side, rubbing his chin as if giving great thought to the question, even though he already knew what he planned to say.
"H'mm. Let me see now... I am rather hungry, now that you mention it.."
Frodo saw a flicker of disappointment flash through Sam's eyes before he smiled and patted Frodo's hip. "Alright, then. Let's see what I can do for y-mmph!"
Frodo had bitten Sam's lip, making him shudder delightfully underneath him. He raised his head back up and looked down at Sam, who was trying to control his suddenly harsh breathing. "Sir.. Frodo.. I thought you said you were hungry."
Frodo smiled. All according to plan! "I am hungry, Sam. For you." He laughed as Sam's face lit up.
"Well then, Mister Frodo, Sir," said Sam, grinning mischievously.
"Wouldn't want you to go hungry, now would we?" Frodo yelped as Sam rolled them over so that Sam was lying on top of him. "Not that I have any problems with being on th'bottom, Sir. It's just that I've been lying on the floor so long, I reckon I'll have bruises lasting into next week."
Frodo tried to stifle a giggle. "Oh- Sam, I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"
Sam dipped down and brushed his lips against Frodo's, light as a feather. He then sat back up again and smiled smugly down at Frodo, as if daring him to speak. Frodo swallowed.
"Well, Master Gamgee? Are you going to feed me, or not?" With that, he gave a quick thrust upwards, bouncing Sam. He smiled proudly as he felt Sam's need grow against his own.
Sam bit his lip against a moan and looked down at Frodo, who was flushed and smiling so wide that wrinkles formed at the corners of his soft, twinkling blue eyes. Sam's breath caught. "So beautiful..."
Frodo reached up and curled a stray piece of Sam's hair around his finger.
"Yes, Sam. You are." With that, he shifted into a more comfortable position, and started to unbutton Sam's shirt.
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