I haven't ever really found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologize that once again I'm not in love
But it's not as if I mind that your heart ain't exactly breaking
It's just a thought, only a thought
But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cause' nothing I have is truly mine
I've always thought that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone and live more simply
I have no idea what's happened to that dream
Cause' there's really nothing left here to stop me
It's just a thought, only a thought
While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try
Well how can I say I'm alive
-- Dido – life for rent
The plains
Theodred was riding over the western folds on his way to a border patrol. He was staring at the horses' mane thinking of the conversation he had shared with his father, king Theoden. His father had dragged him aside when he was about to leave for the stables, and told him that it would be wisest if he were to have his mind made up when he came back. Theodred had tried to smile disarmingly and leave, but this time his father apparently would not be led on that easily, and he had grabbed both his shoulders and told him once more that when he returned he would send out for suitable maidens for marriage. Theoden had had such a persuasive tone that Theodred had just hung his head and nodded, before he had mumbled an answer and left.
"Theodred?" a voice called before a warm hand was placed on his shoulder, and the prince looked up right into his cousin's warm trusting face.
"Eomer," Theodred mumbled and smiled.
"What is troubling you?" Eomer whispered
"Father," Theodred whispered back, "he is pushing forth the engagement arrangements."
"I'm sorry," Eomer said with honesty and squeezed Theodred's shoulder. "Is there anything I can do?"
"No, you've done more than enough," the prince said softly and smiled at his cousin.
"I just wish there were more I could do," Eomer mumbled and patted Theodred on the back. "Just let me know, ok?" he finished before he steered his horse away from the dark-haired prince.
And once again Theodred was lost in thought.......... marriage.... the thought alone made him shiver. He wished that he had found someone he loved and wanted to marry. For now he had to sadly admit to himself that so far he had never even found someone that made him feel the way he imagined love would feel. His father was thinking of the heir. He had reached an age where he should find himself a wife and produce children for the glory of Rohan. Theodred sighed...
He turned his head and looked at Eomer, talking to some of the men while they rode, laughing and teasing them. He looked so happy and tranquil, shining with all the things that Theodred always wished he had in him, but he always felt as if he were in the shadow of Eomer. Had his cousin taken pity on him when they had become lovers back then?
He knew their love went no deeper than the love they shared as close kin, and all those long nights had not changed into something deeper. He did not understand it. What was wrong with him? And lately not even Eomer could mend the hole inside him. Theodred shook his head. He should not think of these matters now. He was a warrior, and he should stay alert, not brood over his non-existent love life.
Rivendell
Legolas swam over the lake and crawled up on the far bank, smiling at the sight of the flowers there. He started to pick some of them, but then he saw another kind, bigger and brighter. He looked at the pathetic little bucket in his hand, and threw them aside to go and pick the pretty ones. This would be such a wonderful gift for Elladan.
He moved all the way to the river Anduin picking flowers he had never seen before. Some he had seen in a book, some he had not even had the fantasy to think would exist, exquisite red and yellow colours. He looked up at the sun and saw it was setting once more. How long had he been lost in his task? He stopped and looked around. Where was he?
Tears welled in his eyes, and the thrill he had felt over finding all the pretty flowers disappeared like dew from the sun, and was replaced by a building panic. He spun around frantically to find some landmark he knew, but to his terror he found none.
He wanted to yell for help, but as he opened his mouth only a little pathetic squeaking sound escaped, sounding more like a rabbit caught in a trap. He rubbed his earlobe to the point where his ear was hurting, trying to think.
And then, the sun set and he was lost in the dark. Legolas sat down and felt the tears start to flow, and all the stories Elladan had told about the world and its dangers came back to him, creatures of shadow and flame, wargs with poisonous bites, and men, those violent hideous creatures.
He climbed on top of a stone and wrapped his arms around his legs and cried while repeating his sign for Elladan, somehow hoping that Elladan would sense his fear and come save him.
The plains
They had set camp for the night, as they were in no hurry. Theodred was sitting looking at the fire, feeling the heat burn on his feet. He felt someone sit beside him. "Theodred, please... Tell me what ails you," he heard Eomer's voice whisper.
"I am just in a fell mood, my friend," Theodred said and rested his head on his knees with a sigh.
"Liar," Eomer said and wrapped an arm around his prince's shoulder. "You always were a terrible liar."
"I can't tell you," Theodred murmured in a low voice.
"Yes you can," Eomer said and rested his head against Theodred's back. "I am your friend, never forget that."
"I just don't know what to do," Theodred admitted. "I should flee, disappear in the dark and never look back."
"No, don't," Eomer whispered, "We would all miss you terribly." He squeezed his friend. "I would miss you, and I am sure we can face whatever it is you fear together."
"No Eomer my dear friend, not this time," Theodred whispered and felt himself wish that Eomer would just go away and leave him alone with his misery.
"Don't speak so."
"Eomer?" Theodred whispered and turned his head to look directly into Eomer's eyes. "Why did we never fall in love?"
This question took the large warrior by surprise. "Is that what ails you?" he whispered.
Theodred remained silent, but felt as tears threatened to fall behind his lashes.
"Is it?" Eomer pressured lightly.
Theodred still refused to answer but turned his head to look at the dark forest instead of those confused brown eyes.
Eomer sighed and finally spoke. "I don't know."
"Neither do I," Theodred whispered back with a thick voice.
"I am still at your side if you want me to be," Eomer whispered and leaned over to Theodred more closely.
"I know," Theodred whispered, "but I cannot remain at yours. I think it is time you found happiness, Eomer, not trying to keep me from going under, or mend my scars."
"I am here by my own free will, Theodred," Eomer said.
Theodred just nodded, not trusting his voice. Nothing had changed, he had not the heart to break free, to set Eomer free, and no matter what he did this man would always feel responsible. It had been so even when they were kids, but they were not children anymore. He had lived for 19 winters now, and was a man, and the games they played were different now... everything was different now. Yet he couldn't help but smile as Eomer kissed his neck softly and he heard him whisper, "Don't be so sad, my prince."
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