(RADAGAST, the SOPUH, and MINIONS are scattered about the set of "Cooking (Sinisterly) with Saruman!!!" and SARUMAN is of course seated behind the MORBID ORTHANC DESK.)
SARUMAN
(sobbing)
Oh, this is terrible! One lousy staff joke and it all gets thrown out the window, down the stairs, into the hands of a nasty little Halfling!
RADAGAST
I think you're talking about your palantír, not the show.
SARUMAN
(grand sobs)
Boo hoo hoooooo!
SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI
Well, pardon us for being impertinent, but didn't you positively despise this show, Saruman?
SARUMAN
(sniffling)
No, no...I just...oh, it's all ruined! All! Ruined!
RADAGAST
Well I know this is a rough time for you, Sweetie Pie, but always remember—
SARUMAN
Oh, shut up Radagast!
RADAGAST
(beginning to cry as well)
Well, excuse me, mister! It's not as if I was the one who broke off our relationship when we first got to Middle-earth!
SARUMAN
Don't mention that!
RADAGAST
Why??? Yavanna wanted us to go together. She could tell we had potential. And you...YOU, mister, with your terrible attitude, went and ruined it all!
SOPUH
Really, I think this is more than anyone needs at this point.
SARUMAN
I just...can't believe it. After nine glorious, BEAUTIFUL shows, we just get cancelled. And not for lack of an audience, but because we're "too pervy"!
SOPUH
We hate to say we told you so, but...
SARUMAN
I mean, just look at the way our guests behaved! The network executive acted like it was all MY fault.
SOPUH
Well...to their credit you WERE rather pervy. And did it ever occur to you that you never cooked anything on any of your shows?
SARUMAN
Hrm...
RADAGAST
I suppose it's true. Let's see...there were the gingerbread wizards, the strawberry tart, the coneys and taters, the tofurkey, the mushrooms and ale, the fish, the muffins, the tossed salad, and...
SARUMAN
And?
RADAGAST
Well, you didn't even TRY to make anything on the last show...
SARUMAN
A mere technicality.
SOPUH
But for a cooking show, there wasn't a whole lot of cooking going on...
RADAGAST
Ooh, and doesn't it just fry you that Lurtz is the network executive?
SARUMAN
Never mind him! But, but he acted like it didn't matter that the hobbits were practically jumping down each other's pants, he didn't even notice how plainly everyone else was acting pervy!
RADAGAST
Just one wretched staff joke and BAM!
SARUMAN
BAM! And LURTZ was the one who said it in the first place! And then HE kicks us off our show!
RADAGAST
OUR show???
SARUMAN
(pause)
Yes. I guess it was our show after all.
RADAGAST
(lovingly)
Oh, Saruman!
SARUMAN
Please now, don't get sappy...
RADAGAST
That is the best thing you've said to me since, since...That's the best thing you've ever said to me!
(RADAGAST begins uncontrollably HUGGLING SARUMAN.)
SARUMAN
Urgh! Get off me, this isn't dignified!
RADAGAST
Oh, and I thought you didn't care after all these long years of feigned antipathy, but I am so happily wrong!
SARUMAN
That...is...not...what I meant.
RADAGAST
(grateful, tear-filled eyes)
There's no need to act like that anymore, my dear Curunír.
SARUMAN
(sighs)
Fine. I suppose you're right. But what should we do now that there is no more "Cooking (Sinisterly) with Saruman!!!"?
SOPUH
Well, being a Society of Profiteering Uruk-Hai, we thought maybe we'd try to make a new show...
SARUMAN
Oooh, really?
SOPUH
We were thinking along the lines of "Talking (Pervily) with Elladan and Elrohir!!!"
RADAGAST, SARUMAN
What???
SOPUH
Well, let's not lie; they were the attention-getters of the show...
SARUMAN
You're...abandoning...us...for those pervy elf-twins?
SOPUH
Um. Yes.
SARUMAN
(flashing eyes)
But...but...you were MY FIGHTING—
SOPUH
Uh. Yes, well. Not anymore. Toodle-oo!
(SOPUH leave. SARUMAN begins pathetically sobbing again.)
RADAGAST
Oh, never mind them...but what shall we do now?
(There is a brief pause as SARUMAN's sobs become little SNIFFLES. RADAGAST looks on sadly. Suddenly SARUMAN sits bolt upright.)
SARUMAN
Wait! I know! I know what we can do, Radagast!
RADAGAST
Oh really? What?
SARUMAN
Ho ho ho...it is brilliant! I do not know why I did not think of it sooner!
RADAGAST
Think of what?
SARUMAN
It is...perfect!
RADAGAST
What?!?
SARUMAN
(to RADAGAST)
We must go into the Sexual Device business. Simple as that.
RADAGAST
Huh?
SARUMAN
Don't you see? We can make those ridiculously bendy and cuddly hobbits into Sex Slaves, that poncy heir of Isildur into a Sex Slave, that wanky steward of Gondor into a Sex Slave, and that ever-maddening prat Gandalf the GREY into a Sex Slave!
RADAGAST
Ooooh! That is a marvelous idea!
SARUMAN
We could even make that treacherous Lurtz into a Sex Slave!
RADAGAST
Eeew!
SARUMAN
I mean...assuming anyone would want that...
RADAGAST
I certainly don't know...
SARUMAN
But at any rate...it is perfect...my perfect plan! Mwa...ha...HA!
RADAGAST
(beaming)
Oh you.
(Scene fades out as SARUMAN and RADAGAST lay out their plans for the future. Camera pans out and fades out on the now defunct set of "Cooking (Sinisterly) with Saruman!!!")
THE END
Authors Note: Many thanks to everyone who has tuned into this series. I appreciate all the great feedback I've gotten on this, and would love any more comments you may have about these final episodes. I'm v. sorry to be ending this series, as it's been a very fun thing to do, and has provided me with hours of pleasure. I hope I got around to adding everyone's favorite characters, although I know I didn't cover them all. This series started as a bizarre little attachment to an e-mail I wrote last Thanksgiving, so I've been cooking with Saruman for ten months now. Even though this show is over, I'm leaving things open for another show, or at least a few updates from time to time to see how ol' Saruman is doing. Anyway, this is a very longwinded note, so I will close by saying thank you all. I hope you have a very sinister day.
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