(SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI: Was the pilot successful? We aren't sure. If we put Legolas in it then maybe we'll attract the fangirls.
SARUMAN (VO): I have no fangirls.
SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI: Deal with it buddy, we don't either.)
RADAGAST (VO)
Hi everyone! It's been another cra-zy week, so it's time for another cra-a-zy show!
SARUMAN (VO)
I still don't want an announcer.
RADAGAST (VO)
Tough luck. That said, everyone give a big round of applause for our cra-zy host, Saruman!
(SARUMAN enters looking Pissed Off, and takes his seat behind Morbid Orthanc Desk.)
SARUMAN
Welcome...one and all...to my SHOW! Last week you will remember we had the Isildur's annoying heir here, and he refused to make gingerbread wizards. Hopefully this week's guest will be better.
RADAGAST (VO)
Well, he's sure to boost our ratings.
SARUMAN
OUR ratings? Whose show is this? The Radagast is a Poncy Git Show? No. No. It is mine. All..........mine. Now where was I? Oh, yes. Our guest. This week our guest is none other than Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood.
RADAGAST (VO)
And it's time for a commercial break!
SARUMAN
No, it's time for Legolas to get out here.
RADAGAST (VO)
(in an undertone)
He isn't finished primping.
SARUMAN
Hmmmm. Well then. Commercial break it is.
RADAGAST (VO)
We'll be right back!
HALDIR: Hello one and all. Are you tired of stupid rope that just doesn't cut it?
(Camera pans to SAM, struggling and practically killing himself with normal rope.)
SAM: Aaaaah! This rope! It gives my little hobbit hands rope burn! And it DOESN'T STAY TIED!!!
HALDIR: That is bad. But you can avert such disaster, with our Lothlórien patented Elven Rope!
SAM: Elven Rope?
HALDIR: Guaranteed not break, come untied, or give you rope burn! It also knows when you want it to come untied, so all you have to do is give it a yank.
(Camera pans back to SAM, this time successfully using it to climb down a rock wall. HE then yanks on the rope and it falls.)
SAM: (exuberant) It works! It works! IT REALLY WORKS!
HALDIR: You betcha. Buy your very own Elven Rope today!
RADAGAST (VO)
And we're back! Time for everyone to put their hands together for Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood!
(AUDIENCE shrieks, cheers, swoons, etc. LEGOLAS enters and sits in spindly chair as a SEXY CLARINET plays. HE sits next to SARUMAN.)
SARUMAN
Well. There goes the neighborhood.
LEGOLAS
(beauty pageant wave)
Hi everyone!
SARUMAN
Ahem. Legolas.
LEGOLAS
Saruman.
SARUMAN
Tell me about....Aragorn.
LEGOLAS
Aragorn? Well, he's King now.
SARUMAN
No, no. I mean...tell me about......you two.
LEGOLAS
Umm. It was a pleasure to work with him? He was a great leader?
SARUMAN
You are simply no help. Never mind. I have a better idea. I hear you have a love of oliphaunts.
LEGOLAS
Well, they're okay....
SARUMAN
Come, come. I hear you can scale oliphaunts.
LEGOLAS
Well, I am quite skilled at scaling and mounting.
SARUMAN
You said it, not me. And now I have a surprise for us all. GRÍMA!
(GRÍMA shuffles out from backstage.)
GRÍMA
What?
SARUMAN
Bring out....the.......you know.
(GRÍMA goes backstage, and ushers out an OLIPHAUNT. The AUDIENCE oohs and aahs. The OLIPHAUNT stands next to the morbid Orthanc desk.)
SARUMAN
Now. I would very much like to see you scale this oliphaunt, Legolas.
LEGOLAS
(sighs)
Do I have to?
SARUMAN
Do it.
(LEGOLAS acts sullen. He starts scaling the OLIPHAUNT.)
SARUMAN
No, no, no! Get down! Now.
(LEGOLAS jumps back to the floor.)
LEGOLAS
What?
SARUMAN
Would you do us the pleasure of reciting the Oliphaunt Poem WHILE scaling?
LEGOLAS
Now that's just silly.
SARUMAN
Please. The fangirls await!
AUDIENCE
(swoons)
SARUMAN
How can you say no to that?
LEGOLAS
Fine. Fine! (starts scaling Oliphaunt and unenthusiastically reciting poem) Grey...as a mouse. Big as....a house....Oliphaunt am I—
OLIPHAUNT
BRAAAAAAAAAWRRR!!!
LEGOLAS
Do I have to say the poem?
SARUMAN
Do please continue.
OLIPHAUNT
(grunts)
LEGOLAS
(continues scaling)
O-Oliphaunt am I! Biggest of all....huge, old and tall.....If you ever met me, you wouldn't forget me....something something do, blabbity blabbity through...or true, But old Oliphaunt am I and I never—
OLIPHAUNT
(starts stampeding)
BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWRRRRRRR!!!
RADAGAST (VO)
Oh dear!
(The OLIPHAUNT starts running around the room like a madman. LEGOLAS starts screaming like a school girl as SARUMAN smiles sinisterly.)
RADAGAST (VO)
Goodness gracious. Well we'll be right back with the cooking segment once we get things...under control...
OLIPHAUNT
BRAAAWRRR!
RADAGAST (VO)
So we'll go to commercial. NOW.
(Cue: 70's porn music. Heavy drumbeat, probably bongos. ELLADAN and ELROHIR enter, even more "pimped out.")
ELROHIR: Hi folks. We're here to answer some frequently asked questions about our most popular product, "Legolas Sex Slave."
ELLADAN: Due to Leggy's remarkable popularity, we've received many letters we will now endeavor to answer.
ELROHIR: That was redundant. Oh well. Onto the letters. (pulls out a letter and reads) "I think my "Legolas Sex Slave" needs new batteries. What batteries does he take, and how often should I replace them?"
ELLADAN: An excellent question. Of course "Legolas Sex Slave" works much better when he has fresh batteries. Behold this demonstration:
(THEY reveal LEGOLAS DOLL. ELLADAN squeezes his right hand.)
LEGOLAS: (slow, robotic, with lots of vocal fluctuations) Y....eesss dooooooont sttttttoooooop................yoooooooooooooooooooooo stunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn unk........ooof...maaaaa.
ELROHIR: Oof. Now that is just no good. Looks like "Legolas Sex Slave" needs new batteries!
ELLADAN: Lucky for you, we have a special deal on the batteries you'll need for him! Call now for details on our special deal.
ELROHIR: To change Leggy's batteries, first you have to strip him naked.
(strips LEGOLAS DOLL.) He has a little compartment in the small of his back...
ELLADAN: And when you stroke it just right... (does so as tiny compartment in DOLL's back pops out.)
ELROHIR: The battery component pops out. And then you simply replace it.
ELLADAN: Depending on how often and vigorously you make use of "Legolas Sex Slave" you will have to change his batteries anywhere from once every couple of weeks to every other day. That works for most.
ELROHIR: Thanks for writing to us. Any way we can make our product better and more enjoyable is an exciting opportunity for us.
ELLADAN: And you just never know...we may come up
with...accessories!
(THEY high-five. Fade out.)
RADAGAST (VO)
Phew. Well we finally got that little hullabaloo under control. Now it's time for the cooking segment. Back to you Saruman.
SARUMAN
Today we are making some...delightful...fruit tarts.
LEGOLAS
I like fruit!
SARUMAN
Pretty, but stupid.
LEGOLAS
Hey!
SARUMAN
I prefer lining my pie tins with cookie crumbs first, and then puréeing the fruit. Legolas, bring me the lemons.
LEGOLAS
Ugh. I don't like lemons.
SARUMAN
Then bring me the strawberries......... my little Strawberry.
LEGOLAS
I'm not your little Strawberry!
SARUMAN
You're everyone's little Strawberry.
LEGOLAS
Am not.
SARUMAN
How do you feel about Elladan and Elrohir making you into a "Sex Slave"?
LEGOLAS
First of all, it is totally inaccurate. The "Legolas Sex Slave" is missing that one special mole... (catches self) Um. I've said too much. Shouldn't you be making the tart?
SARUMAN
You're a little tart.
LEGOLAS
I AM NOT A TART! Shut up. For your information, I am saving myself for marriage.
SARUMAN
That's not what Aragorn told me.
LEGOLAS
Pox on him! I'm a virgin!
SARUMAN
Oh whatever.
LEGOLAS
If you think I'm a tart, you had better have evidence to PROVE IT.
SARUMAN
I will. (Reveals palantír)
PALANTÍR
(slowly reveals LEGOLAS dancing in the nude)
LEGOLAS IN PALANTÍR
(sings to the tune of "I'm a Slave 4 U")
I'm a Taaaaaaa-rt...for you!
LEGOLAS
Hey! Stop it! Stop it!
SARUMAN
Bwa........ha...........................HA!!!
RADAGAST (VO)
Well, this has taken an interesting turn, but unfortunately, we're out of time on this episode. Thanks for tuning in. Next week we will have everyone's favorite gardener, Samwise Gamgee! Join us then. Have a stupendous week!
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Cooking (Sinisterly) with Saruman!!! by Calaquende
Chapter notes: Saruman taunts Legolas with his oliphaunt scaling abilities and Legolas is affronted.
