(SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI: It's a good thing we made him promise no more oliphaunts on set. What a nightmare.
GRÍMA: You would not believe the size of their....droppings.
SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI: That's pretty gross. Anyway, we have to hope that this show will get more viewers.
GRÍMA: But how is it going to? This episode's hotness factor is way down since the guest isn't some pretty fairy-boy who dances on snow and scales oliphaunts.
SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI: You are just bitter. And anyway, everyone loves that "down home adorable loyalty thing" that is embodied in Sam!
SARUMAN: I....do.....NOT.
SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI: (to selves) Why did we hire him?
SARUMAN: Because you are......MY....fighting uruk-hai—
SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI: Ai Ilúvatar.)
RADAGAST (VO)
Come one, come all, to this very amazing show in which amazing things happen every day!
SARUMAN (VO)
Seriously though, who thought he was a good idea?
RADAGAST (VO)
Welcome to Cooking (Sinisterly) with Saruman!!! The new, exciting, invigorating way to spend your afternoons, rather than going on quests to destroy rings! Who wants to do that anyway???
THE FELLOWSHIP, SOMEWHERE
........................................................................?
RADAGAST (VO)
Today we have a very special show for everyone. Ahem.
SARUMAN (VO)
You always say it's a special show. Why is it so special?
RADAGAST (VO)
Because you're the star, sugar dumpling!
SARUMAN (VO)
For your information, that is still really ooky.
RADAGAST (VO)
Oh right. That whole Lurtz thing.
SARUMAN (VO)
I'd prefer it if we didn't talk about that.
RADAGAST (VO)
Well, anyway, back to the point at hand: our very special show! Now let's all put our hands together for or extra special host, evil wizard extraordinaire, SARUMAN!!!
(SARUMAN enters sullenly and seats himself at the Morbid Orthanc Desk.)
SARUMAN
Welcome all......to my SHOW. Which I am so very glad to have. Because I LOVE working with chuckleheads like .........Radagast....
RADAGAST (VO)
Well, sir, I'm just going to take that as a compliment!
SARUMAN
(to audience)
I mean.....would YOU be able to put up with him?
SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI
Now that's enough, Saruman.
SARUMAN
(flashing eyes)
I am.....EVIL! What do you expect?
SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI
Saruman, control yourself. Must we go to commercial break already?
SARUMAN
(composes self, stops the flashy eyes thing)
Well....I suppose I can. Well. Yes. Well, today we will hopefully make a lot of delicious dishes, with one of our favorite domesticated hobbits, Samwise Gamgee. I say domesticated because I believe that if he worked at a hotel, he would be a maid, and have to clean up Gross Things. And he'd do it too, being the loyal little hobbit that he is.
RADAGAST (VO)
Wow, Saruman, you even sound sinister when you're just giving a simple introduction!
SARUMAN
Get ready for me to sound a whole lot more sinister in a moment...
RADAGAST (VO)
(clicks tongue)
Someone just can't take a joke, and it isn't me.
SARUMAN
(steam pours out ears)
I........hate.......this.
RADAGAST (VO)
Sheesh, you are SO negative.
SARUMAN
I WILL blast you.
RADAGAST (VO)
You wouldn't DARE.
SARUMAN
Oh, wouldn't I?
RADAGAST (VO)
(snippy)
Well even so, nobody will get to see it because it's time for commercial break.
SARUMAN
(mumbles)
How convenient.
RADAGAST (VO)
What did you say? I am so sick of you mumbling at me! Fine! Fine! Then come and get me, you....stupid.....WHITE WIZARD! Neener neener neener!
(GENERAL UPROAR ensues, so scene cuts to commercial break while the SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI attempt to control said SITUATION.)
(CELEBORN enters into an Elvish kitchen. GLORFINDEL nances in after him.)
CELEBORN: Hi there, folks. Ever been on a long voyage in which food was a bit scarce? Ate Lothlórien brand Lembas bread? Just absolutely loved it? Then this next product is right up your alley. Do you love Lembas bread, but are tired with its dry texture? Well, never fear my friends! Recently we Lórien elves have been exploring ways to make our Lembas bread better than ever and here is our magnificent new invention.
GLORFINDEL: Tee hee!
CELEBORN: (shoots GLORFINDEL A Look)
(CELEBORN reveals a giant blender in the middle of the kitchen table.)
CELEBORN: Behold, the Lembas Smoothie Maker 1000! Not only is this a revolutionary new invention, but it makes Lembas preparation a snap! Just watch as my lovely assistant demonstrates: (the following instructions are demonstrated by GLORFINDEL, who prances around, grinning madly) First, add lots of ice to the Lembas Smoothie Maker 1000. Second, take your Lembas bread, to break it up into smaller bits, and then add that to the ice. Third, you may add special flavorings to make your Lembas bread smoothie the most delicious smoothie in Middle Earth. After that, you press this dandy little "BLEND" button, (Lembas Smoothie 1000 makes shrill blending noise) and voilá! Wonderful, delicious Lembas Smoothies for one and all!
(pours smoothie into Elvish glasses) And now it's time to hear from a few of our Smoothie testers.
GLORFINDEL: (claps) Yippee!
CELEBORN: (defeated, sighs)
(Scene cuts to MERRY and PIPPIN sipping Lembas smoothies.)
CELEBORN: Well halflings, how do you like your brand new Lembas Smoothies?
PIPPIN: Err...well they're pretty all right. You know?
MERRY: Yeah, they don't taste as miserable as they did when we were all tired and shit when we were trying to get Frodo to Mordor.
CELEBORN: So...you like them?
MERRY: Eh, they're pretty good.
PIPPIN: I mean, don't get us wrong. They sure as hell beat eating just Lembas when we were in the Fellowship...
MERRY: But I don't know that I'd eat one of these every day.
CELEBORN: But they're healthy and nutritious!
PIPPIN: We ARE hobbits. D'you expect us to get all hot and bothered about healthy smoothies when we could be eating—
MERRY: Treacle tart!
PIPPIN: Treacle tart! I mean now really, Celeborn...
CELEBORN: So you like them? They're the best thing you've ever had?
MERRY:.....................er, yes. They're great.
PIPPIN: Uh, the best things EVER.
CELEBORN: Buy your Lembas Smoothie Maker 1000 today!
MERRY: (to PIPPIN, in an undertone) Poor ol' chap.
RADAGAST (VO)
Well hello everyone, we are back. We apologize for any inappropriate or inconvenient things we did prior to the break. Aren't we Saruman?
SARUMAN
Hmph.
RADAGAST (VO)
I'll just take that as a yes. Anyway, on with the show!
SARUMAN
Yes. The show. It bears remembering WHOSE show this is. But no matter. Anyway, today we have a very special guest, as always. Someone who has been described by friends and acquaintances alike as loyal, friendly, honest and kind. Everyone please welcome Samwise Gamgee.
(A TERRIBLE TRUMPET plays as SAM enters onto set and sits next to SARUMAN in spindly chairs. HIS feet do not quite reach the ground, in typical hobbit-style.)
SARUMAN
Well hello, Samwise.
SAM
You can call me Sam, Mr. Saruman, sir.
SARUMAN
Very well, Sam. So tell me, how was it to everlastingly be the sidekick?
SAM
The sidekick? Oh you mean to Master Frodo? Well, sir, y'see I wouldn' have made a very good ringbearer, and that's a fact. My ol' Gaffer always used to say "Samwise Gamgee, you'll never be a ringbearer," and he was quite right, he was.
SARUMAN
So he actually said you wouldn't be a ringbearer? Pray tell, how did he know that there was a Ring of Power, let alone that you wouldn't be the ringbearer? Does he even know what a ringbearer is?
SAM
Well, now that you mention it Mr. Saruman, I don't rightly think he used to say that exactly. It's just that I'm not the heroic sort, and neither is he, so it would'a made sense that he'd 'a said that I wasn't the right sort to be a ringbearer. But of course, Mister Frodo was a right proper ringbearer, an' my old Gaffer would agree.
SARUMAN
Hmmm. Yes. "Mister" Frodo. I'm very curious, why do you call him that?
SAM
Well sir, I've always called him that. I used to work for him, y'know.
SARUMAN
"Work for him." Very interesting. Then the fact that you refer to him as either "Mister" or "Master" has nothing to do with sado-masochism and bondage?
SAM
What? I never do understand these things you wizards talk about.
SARUMAN
Fine. Let me simplify then: do you have a Thing for "Mister" Frodo?
SAM
(genuinely innocent)
What?
SARUMAN
Do you like it when he ties you up and you get to play your little hobbit games?
SAM
I don't rightly think I know what you're talking about, Mr. Saruman, but it doesn't sound like something my ol' Gaffer would take a liking to.
SARUMAN
(getting frustrated)
Halflings....Well, okay Sam, let me put it this way. You are such a.....servile little hobbit, aren't you? Meaning you like to.....serve your master?
SAM
Well, I suppose so, when you put it that way.
SARUMAN
Well then, do you also.... "serve" Master Frodo in the sack?
SAM
In what sack?
SARUMAN
This.....is....impossible......
SAM
Well, Mr. Saruman, you aren't making things very clear for me.
SARUMAN
(sinisterly)
Fiddlesticks! Everyone knows you have a thing for Frodo, and that you both tie each other up and then have mad, passionate hobbit-sex with each other.
SAM
MR. SARUMAN! Now that was uncalled for. How many times must I tell everyone that I love Mister Frodo, but we don't have this "hobbit-sex" at all, and I think you're a pervy old wizard for saying so.
SARUMAN
Maybe I am, but I still don't believe you.
RADAGAST (VO)
But Saruman, what if he's telling the truth?
SARUMAN
Who asked you to butt in? This is MY SHOW, Radagast, I may ask my guests anything I please.
SAM
Well I think you're pretty smarmy, Mr. Saruman sir.
SARUMAN
And I still think you're a liar.
RADAGAST (VO)
Well, before this gets any worse, I think it's time we went to commercial break, folks. Stick around for some delicious treats right after this word from our sponsors.
(Cue: 70's porn music. ELLADAN and ELROHIR enter, v. "pimped out." They carry a LEGOLAS SEX SLAVE doll with them.)
ELLADAN: Hi there everyone. We just can't thank you all enough for the amazing sales we've been having for Legolas Sex Slave.
ELROHIR: It's true. Since these ads first started airing, we've sold over 250 Legolas Sex Slaves, to date. And that's pretty cool.
ELLADAN: But you know what's even cooler, Elrohir?
ELROHIR: What?
ELLADAN: Now Legolas Sex Slave comes with some new accessories and toys, which will be sure to keep you occupied for hours!
ELROHIR: And hours.
ELLADAN: You see right here, we have our plain Legolas Sex Slave, which, even plain, is pretty darn sexy.
ELROHIR: You can say that again.
ELLADAN: But now you can add some personalized accessories, to make your experiences with Legolas Sex Slave even more amazingly orgasmic.
ELROHIR: That said, we'd like to introduce our new products. Ahem.
(A drumbeat starts.)
ELLADAN: Presenting......The S&M Kit with equipment and costumes for Legolas Sex Slave!
ELROHIR: That's right. You may have noticed through use already that Legolas Sex Slave likes being spanked.
ELLADAN: So the S&M Kit is perfect for tapping into the kinkier sides of Legolas Sex Slave use.
ELROHIR: Here's everything the Kit includes: (he pulls the items out throughout description) A pair of black leather Fuck-Me boots, a little whip, a feather tickler, a Legolas Dominatrix costume, furry leopard print handcuffs and Elven Rope.
ELLADAN: This Kit is great with Legolas Sex Slave. Here's what he looks like in the Dominatrix costume. (HE strips LEGOLAS SEX SLAVE and puts him in the dominatrix outfit.) Ta da! Isn't that just marvelous and kinky?
ELROHIR: You bet it is. When you buy this great new accessory, you may find many uses for the furry handcuffs and Elven Rope, and I have to say, every new use will be really great.
ELLADAN: Some people have wondered if Elven Rope really is good for bondage. We are here to tell you definitively that it is.
ELROHIR: But you don't have to take our word for it...Let's hear from a satisfied customer!
(Scene cuts to something that seems to be the AD FOR ELVEN ROPE from the previous episode. Doesn't seem to bear much relevance on Legolas Sex Slave, but no matter.)
(SAM is seen holding rope, happy as a clam.)
SAM: (exuberant) It works! It works! IT REALLY WORKS!
(Scene quickly cuts back to ELLADAN and ELROHIR.)
ELLADAN: That's sure good to know, Sam.
ELROHIR: Yes. Indeed it is. We just love hearing such testimonials.
ELLADAN: Indeed. So buy these new accessories as soon as possible! Get Leggy Kinky!
(They high-five.)
ELROHIR: And one last thing: Leggy is a pretty special sex slave, and he'll respond differently to the S&M Kit and bondage than he has otherwise. As means of a quick demonstration:
(ELROHIR grabs the little whip, and whips LEGOLAS doll's ass.)
LEGOLAS: (robotic, orgasmic) OOOOOOOOOoooh yes! Spank me again please.
ELLADAN: And who wouldn't want that?
ELROHIR: I certainly don't know.
(Scene fades out.)
RADAGAST (VO)
Well, we're back! Now it's time for the cooking seg—
SAM
(interjects)
Now that just wasn't fair! Elladan and Elrohir had no right to take me out of context...
SARUMAN
So then you don't support Legolas Sex Slave?
SAM
(sputtering)
Well, you know, most elves are the most polite, interesting...But that! That's just gross! I DID NOT endorse—
SARUMAN
I guess you really are a prude.
SAM
Mr. Saruman!
SARUMAN
Well, never mind. Anyway, onto our down home cooking...
SAM
Coneys and taters?
SARUMAN
Coneys and taters! So tell me, how many ways are there to cook a brace of coneys?
SAM
There's only one way to cook a brace of coneys!
SARUMAN
But that soup you made for "Mister" Frodo and Gollum in Mordor looked not so good.
SAM
My coney stew is one of the best things ever! Ev'n my Gaffer told me so.
SARUMAN
Well. Yes. Sometimes I cook a "brace" of "coneys" with a nice teriyaki marinade with crisp vegetables—
SAM
No! There's only ONE way to cook coneys! One!
SARUMAN
(under his breath)
One ring to rule...
SAM
But I do agree with you about the vegetables, Mr. Saruman. I think the best are taters.
SARUMAN
Taters? Tell me about these "taters."
SAM
You know...taters. Po-ta-toes.
SARUMAN
Because sounding it out really clears it up. Anyway, taters. You're a gardener. What is the best way to grow po-ta-toes?
SAM
In dirt. And well...in dirt. Sometimes in special dirt! Did you know that Lady Galadriel gave me special dirt? I'll bet some mighty fine taters would grow out of my special dirt.
SARAMAN
You see Sam; this is why everyone is endeared to you. You are so....homey.
SAM
Why thank you Mr. Saruman! That's just the type of thing my Gaffer used to say to me. Some days he'd turn to me an' say "Samwise Gamgee, you may not be a worldly hobbit like that Bilbo Baggins, but you sure do make a good gardener down on the farm.
SARUMAN
Down on the farm......Speaking of which, have you visited the Library of Moria?
SAM
Why I didn't rightly know there was a library in Moria. I just thought there were orcs and balrogs and the like in Moria.
SARUMAN
No, no, no. It's a...well never mind. Back to this "Down on the Farm" business. I heard you posed for a nude photograph that is on display at the Library of Moria.
SAM
What? But...but I never...Hmm. Well that library don't sound like any sort of library my ol' Gaffer would take to, and as far as I'm concerned, his opinion is only second to Master Frodo's.
SARUMAN
Again with your partner—
SAM
My partner??? Mr. Saruman, I do believe you are being smarmy again. First all that stuff about me an' Mister Frodo, then those elf-twins making me out to be some sort of....some sort of....and then, then YOU saying I let people take pictures of me naked! Why Mr. Saruman, I do believe you're a very bad wizard, and up 'til now I always thought that wizards were good.
RADAGAST (VO)
You see, he's so SINISTER.
SARUMAN
Radagast, you are not needed in this discussion. Anyway, Sam, I have seen this "Down on the Farm" picture and I am led to believe that you are well hung......
SAM
Mr. Saruman! You're a bad, bad man!
SARUMAN
Mwahahahaha!
RADAGAST (VO)
Well, Saruman, now that you've successfully squicked us all completely, it's time to wrap things up. Thanks so much for tuning in. Next week we have the super-duper All-Wizard episode with Gandalf as our guest, so tune in then!
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Cooking (Sinisterly) with Saruman!!! by Calaquende
Chapter notes: Saruman asks Sam questions that the Gaffer really wouldn't take a liking to. And I still don't own these characters. Not even Radagast, which is a crying shame.
